AN: I'm finally back home in D.C. it's still insane here but things are starting to calm down. Thank you for your worry and your care. It is appreciated. Hopefully we'll stay in this peaceful place.
It was the tone of Fitz's voice that prompted Olivia to reach for his fingers shoved underneath the door. The remorse was clear as day. Much like her, he was hurting. Their pain was differed in severity, but shared the same source; Ballard.
Olivia kept her back against the door. Her eyes were screwed shut though her gaze remained pointed ahead. She'd spent the last six years trapped by the knowledge that Fitz had facilitated turning her body into a crime scene just to realize she'd been mistaken. Part of her felt hollow at the thought, guilty. The other part of her knew it'd been self-preservation. Since the morning she'd woken to Penelope standing over her, holding up a pair of underwear Olivia knew belonged to her, she'd been trying to piece together that night. It felt like being in a funhouse of trick mirrors and each turn, another sheet of glass to smash into. She'd tried to convince herself nothing happened, but the bruises on her thighs and wrists said otherwise. She always bruised so easily. Thin blood. Just like her mother.
The door vibrated against her back. Olivia blinked. Fitz's fingers moved underneath hers. "Can we do this face to face, Livvie?" He yelled through the door.
She shook her head. A silent tear fell down her right cheek. "I don't want to see the pity in your eyes."
"It's not pity," Fitz spoke. "I just want you to see that I believe you. Just one minute."
A wry smile careened across Olivia's face at his words. One minute was their way to reel each other in, in law school. They were both so high strung - Olivia considerably more than Fitz. He was the one to first suggest the sixty second breather. He remembered.
"One minute." Olivia repeated. She let go of his fingers and pivoted in place to unlock the bathroom door. It gave way to a forlorn looking Fitz. He stood on his knees, disheveled, and red eyed.
"Can I come in?" he asked. "We can leave the door open. I just want…"
Olivia nodded. "I think your daughter's already heard enough for a lifetime. I'm sorry for that."
"You were angry. You are angry. It's okay."He crawled across the bathroom threshold on his knees. Olivia shut the door behind him. Neither of them bothered to stand. Beneath the orange bathroom light, she studied him. The lines that gathered around his mouth and eyes, his darkened hair. He'd aged the last six years. Matured.
She opened her mouth to speak, unsure of what she was even going to say, but was stopped short by a rasp of knuckles on the door. "Liv?" It was Curtis. He turned the door handle.
"I'm fine, Curtis. Fitz isn't going to hurt me," she shouted back.
"I'm right here if you need me. I'll break the door down," he threatened.
"I said I'm fine!" She yelled. Annoyance in her tone. A few moments later, she heard Curtis's retreating footsteps and turned her attention back to Fitz.
"Where'd you meet him at?" Fitz asked.
"Volunteer work. Then we found out that we both jogged the same route."
"You did like running."
"And you hated it," Olivia added as she folded her legs in front of her. She still hadn't let her eyes meet his.
A beat passed. They sat in solent for several long moments until Fitz broke the silence. "Abby said you finished law school at Georgetown?"
Olivia nodded. "Transferring is a lot harder than it looks, but they were happy to hear I was transferring in from Yale. Made things a little smoother."
"Tell me about that night, Liv. Please."
Silence passed between them once more. Olivia sniffled, wiping at her eyes. She tried to remember what she'd yelled at him minutes ago. What she'd said as his daughter pointed at her. Her eyes dropped from his face to her sweat pants. She curled into herself. A small part of her wondered if he was lying. If he was only willing to listen to her now because he'd later on knock back a couple of beers with Jake and have a good laugh. Her gut told her no but the small part of her that double locked her bedroom door and slept with a can of mace next to her bed said otherwise.
"I told you," she started, "I went upstairs to wait for you. I fell asleep and woke up to someone on top of me. I thought it was you. I thought you'd gotten my letter. I put it in your outline."
"I didn't get it. Mellie had borrowed my notes…" he whispered.
Olivia waved him off. If she stopped to acknowledge him in any way, she'd never finish her story. It was so much easier to talk to her therapist than it was him. "When I realized it wasn't you, I tried to shove him — Jake — off of me. It was hard. I was dizzy and he was a lot stronger than me. My arms felt like jelly. I think I almost managed to get up once and that's when he held me down. His knees dig into my thighs." She didn't lift her gaze. "He started to unbutton my sweater. I don't remember crying, but I think I was. I told him you'd be coming upstairs at any minute and if he stopped now, I wouldn't tell anyone." She wiped at his eyes, still not looking up. "We're frat brothers, Olivia, we share everything." Her voice dropped several octaves as she repeated Jake's words. "That's when he showed me the letter I'd give to you. It said 'Olivia's upstairs, go for it.' In your handwriting."
"Olivia, I didn't - I swear on my life that I didn't write that. I never saw it. Never. I promise you. I swear on my daughter's li—"
"Don't swear on your daughter," she chided. Silent tears dripped down her cheeks. "Did you write that? Did you ever tell him that he could have me?" Olivia asked. She finally lifted her head and looked into his eyes. There were tears, much like in her own. "Please stop. Please, don't. Please stop."
He wiped at his eyes. "I'm sorry. I never. I was in love with you. I'm sorry for what he did. I'm…"
"When you opened the door that night, I thought it was over. I remember lifting - I think I lifted - my head. There you were. I could stop begging him. But you just apologized and walked away. With Mellie. And she was laughing. Jake was right, you two shared everything. I just stopped fighting. Stopped trying to get away. He already had what he wanted. It didn't matter any more."
"Livvie, I — I wasn't with Mellie. She was helping me up the stairs. She was — "
"He left me there, in bed. Penelope woke me up the next morning. She called me a kinky slut and handed my underwear. My head was ready to split open."
"Where did you go after...after what happened?"
"I walked around in circles trying to figure out what to do next. I went to Professor Marjoram and she told me that it sounded like I'd had too much to drink and that I needed to be careful who I accused. Especially when their family's name could be traced to my scholarship check."
She floated above herself as she finished her story. She tried to stay detached, to treat it much like she had been treating it each time she had to explain to someone why she kept running shoes by her bed; why she mace in her night stand and why she was afraid of grandfather clocks. It'd taken her nearly seven months of dating Curtis before she told him why she was afraid of being intimate with him. It wasn't like she'd been a virgin when Jake forced himself on her, but she was overly experienced either. Her assault only served to make her self-conscious.
Fitz wiped at his eyes. "I didn't write that note, Livvie. I would've never. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish I could go back and just make this all disappear. I wish I could take your pain away."
"I said I couldn't do this if you looked at me with pity. That's what you're doing right now." She wiped at her eyes and stood. "Please don't."
He rose to his knees once more. Remorse was written all over his face. "It's not pity, Olivia. It's shame. I wish I would've looked for you. I wish I would've - that you - that I knew what happened. I could've done something. I could've…"
"Would you have believed me?" Olivia asked. She could feel her stomach tightening. She didn't want the answer. "You chose to believe him when he said he slept with me. Why do you believe me now?"
Fitz's eyebrows jutted together in the center of his forehead. "Because why else would you have left your dream school?"
She offered up a somber smile. He was right. Yale had been her dream school. SHe'd just walked away rather than deal with the possibility of having to see Jake every day. He'd taunted her once. She wasn't going to let him do it again.
There was a knock on the bathroom door. Olivia turns towards the door. "Yeah?"
"There's a baby out here in need of a diaper change," Abby yelled. "I don't want to interrupt you two, but I don't know what to do."
Olivia turned back toward Fitz. "I think you daughter needs you."
"I'm coming," Fitz yelled. "Maybe after I have some time to process everything, I can introduce you to Karen. Maybe we can be friends again."
"I think I'd like that." Olivia smiled.
He walked towards the door. Olivia shifted away. Muscle memory would always be a bitch. "I'm gonna fix this for you, Liv."
"You can't fix this," she shot back. "There's nothing to fix."
He shook his head. "There is. I know exactly what I'm going to do, too."
Olivia watched as he walked out of the bathroom, wondering what he meant.