Chapter 8

Kyouraku

He took a moment to collect himself, since it would not do to worry Nanao-chan too much, and entered his office.
Nanao-chan looked up from her work 'You are back early today. You aren't slacking off again, are you.'
He grinned 'I just came back to see my dear Nanao-chan. Didn't you miss me?' he dodged the book and became serious. 'There was a captains meeting. They found out more about the illness.'
He had her attention with that, and repeated the information and the orders for her, watching her hiding her blush behind her glasses and her books.
He really would have preferred to spare her this. Everyone really.
'You can talk about this with the other lieutenants, but everyone else is not supposed to know details. I want you to take the rest of the day of, and talk to your Zanpakuto. Don't freak out, and try to decide what you will do in case you get infected. But don't worry too much. I'll support your decision whatever you do, and you can always change your mind when we get more information.'
He did his best to calm her, knowing she would be uncomfortable with this.
'Tomorrow, we will continue working, and we will try to support our division members. Tell me if you notice anyone with problems with this, unless you see a better way to deal with it, then don't tell me.'
He waited for her to ask anything, or to leave.
She sat still for a while, then looked up with determination. 'Yes captain. I will do my best.'
He smiled at her earnestness, and she got up, pausing by the door. 'Captain? What about you?' He gave her another smile. 'I will do the same. Don't worry dear.'

He sat down on his desk after she had left, and continued some of the paperwork, hoping to let his mind settle. After half an hour he stopped. It was pointless, and he knew he was procrastinating.
He sighed, sitting down on the floor, with his Zanpakutos out. He had a pretty good idea what his Zanpakuto would say, and that would be a problem. But 'The truth is already so. Knowing it does not make it worse.' as Yama-jii used to say.

He entered his inner world.

Katen sat on the same blanket below the plum tree as always, and she had somehow gotten Kyokotsu-chan to sit down there as well. He sat down besides them, still not wanting to ask.
The truth is already so…damn it.
'So, is there any chance you might be attracted to someone who's not Sogyo no Kotowari?'

Katen gave him a look. 'I will consider that to be a rhetorical question, since you obviously know the answer. And don't blame us, what do you expect us to do if you only ever think about them?'
Kyokotsu just nodded.
'I wasn't going to blame you, dear ones. I know.'
He lay back down on the blanked, sighting. Of course I knew. You told me when you complained about merging with that Zanpakuto spirit you didn't like. You said that you would have preferred it to be with Sogyo no Kotowari, and that you knew that I would also have preferred that. And I know it's my fault, since I was already in love with him when your spirits formed. We spend so much time together, and you often trained with Sogyo no Kotowari. Of course it would transfer to you.
He didn't say it aloud, but he knew they could hear him anyways.
'It's not good for you to hide your feelings for so long Shunsui.' Katen spoke up after some silence.
They had had that discussion before.
'I'm not hiding' he grumbled.
She ignored him 'Why don't you just see it as an opportunity? It's a chance to tell him.'
Damn optimists 'Not an option. He would have no choice but to sleep with me in this situation' He flinched saying it. 'He is too damn nice, he'd say it's fine, and that he's glad to help. And then he would freak out afterwards. And he would try not to show it, and force himself to talk to me anyways, and...' he was stopped by Kyokotsu kicking him in the side, hard. Katen took the chance to speak. 'She is trying to tell you that you are being too pessimistic, and the fact that she thinks so should speak for itself.'
She considered. 'He'll probably just run away and hide from you forever.'
He opened one eye. 'You are not helping.' 'I know, I'm just joking around. Seriously now, you know you should talk to him, right?' she looked at him strictly, and he quickly shut his eyes again so he could pretend he didn't see.

They were silent for a while.

Then Kyouraku sat up. 'I will not talk to him, I will not ask him to do that. I will hold out as long as I can, then I will ask Unohana to put me under. I will not do anything to hurt him, and I ask that you also do not tell them who it is when they ask. Please Katen, Kyokotsu. Protecting him is important.'
He knew he could only ask them, and he hated to worry them. Katen smiled unusually gently at him, while Kyokotsu only nodded. 'We won't tell, dear. We understand your mind, and we know of your desire to protect him above all else.'
He relaxed, smiling in gratitude.
This was his resolution.

Ukitake

He waited until Kyouraku had left, and then waited some more for his mind to calm down.
To Do: explain to Rukia, trying not to worry her. Make sure she is fine. Finish the necessary work. Ask Sogyo no Kotowari. Make a plan. Do not freak out.

He decided to start with the first point, and went to his office, where he could feel Rukia's spiritual pressure, entering with a 'Good afternoon Rukia'.
She responded in kind, and finished the paper she was working on before looking up again.
He smiled at her. 'Divisions four and twelve reached some new conclusions. It is not exactly nice, but it will be helpful information.' She already looked worried, and nodded to indicate that she was listening.

He told her of what had been said at the meeting, taking care to keep his voice and expression calm so as not to worry her.
'Any questions?' he finished.
She just shook her had, looking dumbstruck, then recovered herself 'None so far captain.'
He nodded. 'Do you know who might be your… partner?' He asked gently. He could see her mind running through possibilities, and not liking it.
'It's okay. Take some time to talk to Sode no Shirayuki. You also don't have to tell me afterwards, but you can of course if I can help in any way.'
She nodded again, still in thoughts. 'The other lieutenants know as well, but no one else does.' he added. She looked at him 'Then I will go now, talk to Shirayuki?'
He nodded, smiling reassuringly 'Take your time.' She bowed again, and left.

Ukitake considered whether he should first do the paperwork, or talk to Sogyo no Kotowari.
But there was no way around it. 'The truth is already so. Knowing it does not make it worse.' as their teacher had always said.
He closed the door of the office, and took out Sogyo no Kotowari to meditate.

His inner world looked like it always did, and Sogyo no Kotowari were again swimming around him, and he tried to relax into the water.
They had taken the form of adult twins this time, and he was relieved that he did not need to have this conversation with kids. That was probably why they choose this form, they knew him well.

'Hello Juushiro' they said with a smile, though he could see their worry. 'You look way too worried. So go ahead and tell me already.' he said, trying to smile at them.
'Katen Kyokotsu' said one 'and we are really sorry.' the other. 'We know you were afraid of this.' 'Are you angry at us?'
'No, of course not' Ukitake said immediately, worried that they thought that. 'Really?' they asked. He nodded. 'Really.' With that they suddenly smiled again, and attacked/hugged him from both sides.
He laughed. Even in their adult form they still had the same mannerisms. They soon calmed down again, and they drifted in the water in silence.
Well, I'm not really surprised. While I do believe that sometimes, Zanpakuto and Shinigami have different preferences, Sogyo no Kotowari usually feels the same way I do. And Kyouraku has always been… he could not finish that thought. He had never admitted that to anyone, fear of driving Kyouraku away, of destroying their precious friendship keeping him quiet. And so he had pushed those thoughts away, and it was not like he was unhappy with this. Being friends with Kyouraku, understanding each other, relying on each other, trusting, was what gave him the most joy.
No. I can't tell him.

Sogyo no Kotowari had listened to his deliberation, and spoke up now.
'He might not mind.' 'He does sleep with people he is not together with.' 'He admitted that, so it's not something he minds.' Ukitake shook his head, hair flowing in the water. 'It is not the same.'
'Why?' 'Because you are friends?' 'Doesn't that make it easier, since you know each other well?'
Ukitake softly smiled at them.
'Because I am male. I have only ever seen him flirt with women. He is very straight, he probably never slept with a man before.'
Sogyo no Kotowari cocked their heads. 'Oh. Does that make a difference?' they asked sincerely.
Ukitake nodded. 'Yes, it does. I think. Well, I mean, I don't really know, but it must make a difference, right? Most people only sleep with one gender after all.' He frowned, and added an 'I think they do.' to that last part.
Sogyo no Kotowari swam around him again.
'You could ask Shunsui. He knows about such things.' they suggested, again sincerely.
Ukitake laughed again. They always suggested that he ask Kyouraku if he couldn't answer their questions, and he had often done so. Not this time though.
They smiled at his laugh, and then asked 'So what will you do?' 'We don't want you to be in a coma' 'That's scary' 'But if you think that's the best way...' 'we will not tell anyone.' He smiled at them, grateful for their support. 'Thank you. I will consider it.'
And he did. He had a responsibility to his division that he did not want to betray, but when he had been ill in the past they had always managed without him, sometimes for weeks if necessary.
But they would undoubtedly worry, like they always did. Kyouraku would worry. But maybe he would understand. He had shown that he knew of Ukitake's discomfort when it came to sexual stuff, and had never judged him for avoiding the subject.
And hopefully captain Kurotsuchi would come up with some kind of cure that did not require anything from the person his Zanpakuto liked. But that was not certain. It might be years before any such cure was found.

So what other options were there? He could try just holding out doing nothing, but from what he had read of the reports that was not realistic. The illness lowered ones control over emotions and thoughts, apparently.

And he could, of course, tell Kyouraku. What would happen then? He would help him, of course. He would sleep with him, and say not to worry about it, doing everything to help him. Like he always did.
Ukitake had always been ill, and he had grown up needing help with more things than his peers. He had hated it, and in the academy and always afterwards he had tried not to trouble people, managing on his own. Everyone knew of his illness, and always offered help, which he was grateful for, but often politely declined. He did not like to inconvenience anyone, and he had learned to hide the way his body was acting up, pretending to be fine, not worrying his friends.

But Kyouraku had been his roommate, and soon best friend, and he was way more attentive than he let on. He had not commented on all the times Ukitake hid his bloody handkerchiefs, and he had never offered him his help. Instead he had just helped, without Ukitake's consent.

Soon, he had learned to see through Ukitake's pretending, and knew whenever he felt sick. Then he took over his strenuous duties, took him away from others to take breaks, carried him back to their room when it was bad. Kyouraku learned to interpret his sickness, and soon knew when some medical tea was enough, if he needed to be taken to a nurse or just rest for a while.

At first, Ukitake had tried brushing him off, thanking him politely and moving on. Kyouraku had always ignored his thanks and continued without comment.
And with time Ukitake had learned to rely on him, trusting him. Some years later, when they had graduated, Ukitake had thanked Kyouraku again, finally explaining why he did not want to make people help him.
And Kyouraku had laughed at him, saying 'No one else would believe that you could ever be a burden. Can't you see how many people you help everyday? The way you are friends with everyone, you make them happy. They trust you with their problems, and you always say what they need to hear. Isn't it fine to let them return some of that help to you?'

He remembered staring at Kyouraku in incredulity, not believing that he could help people just by talking to them. Of course he was trying to, but that really wasn't comparable to him needing constant assistance.
And Kyouraku had just laughed more at his disbelieving expression, saying, when he had finally calmed down, 'Fine, if you don't believe me, let's just count all the times you carried me back to our room because I was to drunk to walk. I'm sure that's more often than I carried you.'
With that, Ukitake had laughed too, because of Kyouraku's silliness.
For the next few weeks, Kyouraku had told Ukitake every time he witnessed him talk to someone how exactly he had just helped that other person with this conversation, which had embarrassed Ukitake to no end, until he had given up. They had made a deal, that Kyouraku would stop that, and in return Ukitake would let him help him. T
he deal had also required for them to go drinking together five times in the next month, but that was just Kyouraku.
Ukitake had even learned to be comfortable asking the other for help, not that it became necessary often.
Kyouraku always knew.

No, Ukitake did not mind Kyouraku helping him. But this was different. He could not trust that Kyouraku would not mind, and he could just not risk telling him.

He opened his eyes again. 'I will not tell him. I will let myself be put in a coma. I am sorry, Sogyo no Kotowari.' They swam closer to him again. 'It's fine Juushiro. We understand. We knew that would be your decision.'
He smiled gratefully, feeling better having made the decision.

He spend some more time, in his inner world, then went back out and did some more work, before going to bed early.