Chapter 10: 'til I can't feel my heart
This chapter was inspired by the Song Stronger Than Me performed by Connie Britton on Nashville.
Three months had passed since Deacon's funeral, but Rayna was still unable to get her life back together. She would lie awake until way after midnight almost every night, thinking about Deacon and then she would sleep until noon and wake up completely exhausted, because she was having nightmares all the time. She couldn't get up the energy to do anything, spent most of the time lying on the couch and watching TV and left the house only to buy groceries. The girls were permanently staying at Teddy's place and visiting her only on the weekends. Maddie was still acting very coldly towards her and spent most of the time in her room when she and Daphne were staying over at Rayna's place. Scarlett and Bucky were checking in on Rayna about twice a week, bringing over some food, helping her with the chores and just spending some time with her, trying to cheer her up a little.
Rayna was home alone and had spent the day lying on the couch and watching movies on Netflix. Suddenly her phone started ringing.
She answered it. "Hello?"
"Rayna, it's me, Juliette…I...I know I'm pretty late with my call but you know I'm really busy…oh fuck it... I'm messing this up. Sorry. I suck at this."
"Juliette, I don't really understand what your point is."
"Uhm…ok…I just… I just wanted to tell you how awfully sorry I am about Deacon and…"
"Don't worry. I got your card, thank you." Rayna's eyes filled with tears.
"Yeah the card…listen...I should have called right away and I'm so sorry that I didn't. That's what I was trying to explain. I wanted to call …I really wanted to call, but I just…I just really suck at these things."
"These things?"
"Yeah like being nice to others and…you know being there for others when they need me….oh God I'm a horrible person."
"Juliette, you're not a horrible person…after all, you called now, right? And I really appreciate it."
"Thank you, Rayna, and I know everybody says this and you're probably tired of hearing it but…if there's anything I can do to help you, just let me know, ok?"
"That's really sweet, thanks, but…"
"You know like if you need somebody to talk to or if you wanna hang out some time."
"Thanks for your offer, but you really don't need to do this."
"I know I don't need to do this, but I'd really like to help you."
"Thanks, but I'm ok on my own, thanks."
"I'm really sorry if I'm bothering you…I just think I know that losing somebody who means that much can make you feel pretty lonely sometimes and I felt like it might help to have somebody to talk to."
Rayna was sobbing. "You're right. It gets pretty lonely. Especially now… you know, the girls are staying with Teddy."
"I'm free tonight so…."
Rayna hesitated because she felt like Juliette was offering to spend time with her only out of pity but then she thought that everything was better than spending another evening crying herself to sleep all alone. "Ok, I guess a little company wouldn't hurt."
"Great, so do you wanna grab a drink somewhere or…?"
"Uhm…would it be ok for you to come over? I don't really feel like going out."
"Sure…no problem! When?"
"Let's say around 7:30? I could make some pasta if you want."
"Sounds great, I'm bringing the drinks."
"Perfect….and thanks a lot, Juliette."
"No problem, see you later, Rayna."
"See you later."
It was already eight when the doorbell rang and Rayna opened the door.
"Listen Rayna, please don't say anything, I know I'm late, but I can explain."
"Don't worry, Honey, come in," Rayna said hugging Juliette. "I didn't really expect you to be on time anyway."
"Wow ok…so at least now I know what you think of me," Juliette said smirking and following Rayna into the kitchen. "But wait until you see what I got in here," she added lifting a plastic shopping bag."
"Surprise me."
"Well ok so….first of all, the basics," Juliette said placing a bottle of red wine and a bottle of vodka on the kitchen counter.
"I don't know why this doesn't surprise me," Rayna said shaking her head.
"Well because this isn't the surprise. The surprise, my dear friend, is still in here," Juliette said pointing at the plastic bag.
Rayna gave her a puzzled look. "Now I'm curious."
"Good! So before I show it to you, I have to tell you that's the reason I'm late, because I almost forgot it and I had to stop at a gas station to get it. So are you ready?"
"Yep", Rayna nodded.
Juliette reached into the plastic bag and pulled out a bottle of orange juice. "Voilà"
Rayna giggled. "Wow, I'm impressed."
"I'm glad it made you smile."
"And I'm glad I don't need to drink straight vodka this time."
After finishing dinner and the bottle of red wine, the two women got themselves comfortable on the couch. They had placed two glasses, the vodka and the orange juice on the coffee table.
"So…the small talk during dinner was nice and stuff and I know that I don't seem to be the person you can have a serious conversation with, but if there's anything you want to talk about," Juliette said unscrewing the bottles and pouring them two drinks with considerably more vodka than orange juice.
"Well I think we should talk about how much vodka you put into those," Rayna said as cheerfully as she could, trying to avoid a serious conversation.
Juliette got the hint and thought of something funny to say. "There's a very good reason for that, you know…..uhm….drinking too much orange juice isn't good for you, because it increases the acidity in your stomach, whereas vodka is good for the digestive process. It's all about a balanced diet."
Rayna shook her head giggling and reached for her glass. "Well then, here's to you, Juliette Barnes. You're not only a Country superstar, but apparently also a nutritionist!"
Juliette raised her glass. "True", she laughed.
Juliette took a big sip, while Rayna took a small one screwing up her face.
"Gross," she said.
"Yeah, right? I shouldn't have added the orange juice."
They looked at each other and burst out laughing. But after a few seconds an overwhelming sadness overcame Rayna. She turned her head away but Juliette had already seen the tears welling up in her eyes.
"Hey," Juliette whispered placing her hand on Rayna's arm, "it's ok to cry, don't be ashamed."
Rayna wiped away her tears, picked up her glass and downed the drink with three big gulps.
"I think I could use another one."
"Wow, Rayna, don't you think…I mean maybe you should have a little break."
"Please, I just wanna forget everything tonight…please, Juliette."
"Ok…but try and go a little slower on the next one."
The drinks kicked in pretty fast and the two women spent the rest of the night talking and joking until they both fell asleep on the couch.
Juliette woke up first. It was already after eleven and the whole room was sunlit. She got up as quietly as she could and tiptoed to the bathroom. After washing her face, she returned to the living room and sat down on the couch, leaned over to Rayna and gently nudged her. "Hey Rayna, I'm leaving now."
Rayna blinked and let out a long sigh. "How late is it?"
"It's almost noon!"
"Almost noon?" Rayna sat up. "Oh God, my head," she moaned.
"That's what Aspirin was invented for, Honey." Juliette giggled. "Listen, before I leave, I'm throwing a party at my place on Saturday night. It'd be awesome if you came."
"That's really sweet, but Saturday? That's in two days! I think I'll need some more time to recover from last night."
"Oh, come on, Rayna. Today you go to sleep early and tomorrow you can rest too. And then you're ready to party on Saturday!"
"I don't know…I…"
"Oh please Rayna, it's gonna be legendary, you can't miss it!"
"I…I really don't feel like going out…I feel like I shouldn't."
"You know what you shouldn't do? Spend the rest of your life at home. You need to get out of here, I'm serious! Plus it's not really like going out, 'cause it's at my place and there won't be any crazy fans or paparazzi waiting for you. Just a couple of people who want to have fun! I won't accept no for an answer!"
"Ok, I'll come over, but I won't stay long."
"Yaaaaay!" Juliette hugged Rayna. "See you on Saturday!"