Edward Cullen

3 months later

After 3 months of being in the NICU, Renesmee now weighed just under 7lbs, which was a weight big enough to allow her to come home.

I picked Bella and the baby up from the hospital at around 1pm in the afternoon after Renesmee had been cleared to be discharged.

It was an exciting achievement, for not only Bella and I but for Renesmee and the rest of the family, but it was also nerve-racking. Especially for me. During the pregnancy, I was extremely excited about meeting my little angel, but now that she is here and I can see just how tiny and fragile she is, it makes me nervous for her well being.

She was diagnosed with Dyskinetic Cerebral Palsy a few weeks after her birth. The name of her condition scared me more than the actual disorder. It meant that she had problems with her muscle tone, which made it difficult for her to contract her relax her muscles if she needed.

At 3 months old, she was experiencing hypotonia, which made her appear floppy and meant she was unable to control her body. The doctor told us she would eventually progress to hypertonia, where she would appear stiff and rigid.

It was hard to accept that our daughter had this horrible condition, but we vowed we would remain strong for her. She was such a beautiful little baby, a full head of golden and blonde tinted locks that had darkened over time, and big brown eyes that looked just like her mother's. We had to keep fighting for her.

Bella met me outside of the hospital, cradling Renesmee in the crook of her arm in the blanket Emmett had bought her. Pink and yellow were really good colors on her, and just seeing my two angels made me feel a lot better.

As Bella – still slightly weak – got herself settled into the car, I took over with Renesmee and made sure she was buckled safely into her car seat. I stored her belongings in the boot and then pulled away from the hospital, heading for home.

The silence in the car didn't last for too long, but then Bella eventually erupted it. "She's beautiful…isn't she?"

I looked over at Bella before looking in my mirror at our little nudger sleeping in her car seat. "Of course she is."

"You know…" Bell said softly. "She looks like Rose."

I nodded, taking a turn on the road. "That's good, Bella. Rosalie was beautiful and had a great personality. And I am sure Renesmee will be so much more."

"She looks like you too." Bella smiled softly, looking over at me with soft eyes. "I know you're really scared and that things have changed so quickly, but she'll be alright. And we'll be okay too. We're not little kids anymore. I know we have a lot of problems underneath that need dealing with but Renesmee comes first now. She needs a lot of care and our attention."

I nodded. "I know…I just wish…I just…" I shook my head, finding it hard to gather words. "I just want her to be healthy and happy."

Bella smiled, and I knew she understood. "I want her to be healthy too. But she's here, and she's with us, and that's all that matters."

I couldn't find any words to say, so I nodded and we carried on through the rest of the journey in silence.

When we arrived at the house, the front door swung up, nearly flying off its hinges, and Emmett's huge frame sprinted down the porch. "My monkey's home!? YES!" His voice boomed through the covers of the car and hit our ears like thunder. I rolled my eyes and slowly got out of the car.

Emmett was fond of Renesmee. Ever since he laid eyes on her, he planned to be the best Uncle in the whole world. Of course, this left huge competition for Jasper, who loved Renesmee with every ounce of his being.

Renesmee was sleeping in her car seat, her head to the side and her tongue lolling out of her mouth. I smiled at the sight of her and gently retrieved her from the car and into the safety of my arms. The limp feeling of her in my arms sometimes made me sad, but I had to try and think of her beyond her condition. She was just as amazing as any other little girl.

Emmett towered over me at my side, bouncing gleefully on his feet in eagerness. He reached out his hands like a toddler asking for candy and grinned like the Cheshire Cat. "Gimme!"

I looked down at Renesmee's sleeping face and stroked her cheek with soft fingers. "She's fragile, Emmett. You have to be careful..." Reluctantly, I handed my little angel over to Emmett. It scared me a little to see her tiny frame in his huge arms, but he was gentle.

Since Bella had gone into the house, I followed behind Emmett hesitantly, my hands fluttering by my sides in case Renesmee came to any danger. My nerves settled a little once Emmett was settled on the couch with her.

Esme peered over his shoulder at the back of the couch and smiled softly. There were tears in her eyes, but she was happy. She hadn't been so happy, not after Rose died.

But with Renesmee, the life in our family seemed to come back to life. Bella was happy, and was eating again. Esme was back to taking care of the garden and smiled a lot more. Carlisle wasn't so edgy and seemed to talk with more emotion than the dullness he spoke with after we lost Rose. Jasper and Emmett were doing things to occupy their thoughts – playing football, ruining Esme's garden, playing computer games. Alice was holding up, but I still caught her crying at times. Shopping was a big distraction for her.

And then there was me…broken, vulnerable Edward, who couldn't seem to stop thinking about suicide. Who had tried to kill himself. Who sat awake at night releasing all his feelings by running a blade along his wrists. Broken, vulnerable Edward who pretended he was so happy and then fell apart at night. That was me.

I watched the family interact with Renesmee with a feeling of numbness and distance. It was like everything was moving around me and I was doing things, but I wasn't really here. I was somewhere else in my mind, watching everything from the sidelines.

I was protective of my girl, but I was so scared for her. I was scared of her. I didn't want to scare her or hurt her. I wanted her to grow up happy and optimistic and with a sense of great excitement for the world. I didn't want her to turn out like me. Or Bella. I wanted her to be happy.

Eventually, Bella retrieved Renesmee from Emmett and before glancing over at me with concern in her features, she headed off to the kitchen to feed her.

I stood up numbly, not intending to follow, but to be alone. When Renesmee wasn't around, it was then I could leave. But I wanted to spend every waking moment with her.

I went up to my room and sat on the bed, staring blankly at the white wall in front of me. I thought I would be happy when I had a family. I should've been happy, I had everything a person could dream of. A home, a supportive family, my beautiful Bella, and my precious baby girl. So why was I so sad?

Would I always feel this way?