Chapter 20
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The bathroom was full of steam when Maddie pulled back the shower curtain and stepped out onto the cold wooden floor. A shudder slid up her spine causing her already aching muscles to contract painfully. Groaning, Maddie lamented the fact that she couldn't step back under the warm water as she quickly dried off and wrapped her dripping hair up in the towel. "Cold, cold, cold, cold." She chanted as she moved towards the counter and snatched up the clothes she had laid out. Shuddering as the air rapidly cooled around her, Maddie put-on black sweatpants and a white tank top then rubbed at her toweled hair to speed up the drying process.
Unwrapping her hair, she used the towel to wipe away the thick fog on the mirror and locked eyes with her reflection; she took a minute to evaluate the effectiveness of her shower on her flu-ravaged self. "Well, I look better than before, thank God I'm not a zombie anymore." Reaching towards the sink she grabbed the half-full bottle of water she left for herself after taking her last dose of cold medicine Bucky had left out for her and drank deeply, enjoying the chill as it soothed her sore throat.
With a sigh, she set the empty bottle down and sagged against the counter. "Why did I have to get sick now? Of all the awful timing." Opening the cupboard, she bent down and grabbed her hairbrush and hairdryer and began the long process of taming her hair. Getting lost in the repetitive motions and relishing in the warmth of the hairdryer, Maddie's mind began to wander back to the events of the previous day.
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Flashback
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His declaration poured out of him, words running together and hitching with his breath as if speaking them, telling her, was the only thing keeping him together. And she let it wash over her, silently watching her soul mate beg her for understanding, for acceptance. He ended his speech by throwing the ball into her court; giving her the out he still thought she needed.
Slowly unfolding her legs, Maddie stood and made her way over to his still form. She watched as every muscle in his body tensed, he even seemed to be holding his breath, waiting for her answer. His eyes shown bright with need, but it slowly dimmed as she stood silently in front of him.
"Tell me to leave Maddie, tell me to get out of your life forever and I will. I told you everything that's in me but if you tell me to go right now I will." His words broke her heart, he was a good man who was forced to do bad things and now stood, torn, in front of her. Begging her for a chance but unwilling to accept that she would give it to him. "Say something doll."
Reaching up slowly, Maddie rested a hand on his frantically pounding heart, holding his gaze steadily. "Stay." Seconds after her whispered word, Bucky pulled her into his chest in a crushing embrace. His arms wrapped around her while his head dropped to rest on top of hers. Reaching her own arms around him, Maddie rested her hand on his chest and held him just as tightly; smiling as she listened to his heart slow and his breathing relax.
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End of flashback
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Throwing on a light pink and gray sweatshirt, Maddie ran the brush through her hair one more time before opening the bathroom door and stepping out into the hallway. The cabin was quiet around her and she subconsciously started to hum to herself as she walked into the main room. Looking around, she felt panic rise in her chest at the sight of the clean and empty room. No dishes left out from this morning's meal, no discarded shoes next to the door or the couch, and the quilted blanket that she had insisted that Bucky used the night before while he slept on the couch, had been neatly folded and placed on the armrest.
"Bucky?" The silence around her felt deafening and her stomach dropped as she stepped into the middle of the room. "No, no, no, no…not again", making a slow spin around the room; Maddie jumped and almost dropped to the floor when she heard the distinct sound of an ax slamming into a log, splitting the wood with a loud crack. Rushing over to the door, she opened it just in time to hear a man's voice, Bucky's voice, grumble a few words she couldn't make out before another loud crack split the air.
On legs, weak with relief, Maddie shut the door and walked towards the kitchen. Taking her phone out of the pocket of her sweatshirt, she unlocked it and clicked on her music app. Breathing in deeply and exhaling slowly, she set her phone down on the counter and opened the fridge, and felt her heart start to slam against her ribs again. Softly, like a siren's call, her mother's favorite song began to croon out from her phone. "Fuck. Noooo," she groaned as her head began to pound along with her heart and her breath started to wheeze out between her clenched teeth.
"Please." She whispered as the feeling of cold water slid over her skin and began to steal the warmth from her bones. The tolling of a bell began to fill her mind and the food on the shelves in front of her started to blur as tears filled her eyes. She swayed back and forth on legs that no longer could support her and just as she was about to crumple to the floor, a loud crack interrupted her spiraling thoughts and broke her free from her memories. Latching onto the distraction, Maddie breathed in deeply, counting to ten then exhaling slowly as another crack split the air.
They continued this impromptu relaxation technique, him helping her without ever knowing that his steady rhythmic consistency of hit, wait ten seconds, then hit again was a perfect pattern for her to latch on to.
After a few more breaths, Maddie was able to make her way to the couch where she bonelessly sagged into the soft leather. Clutching the phone to her chest, she listened to the song play out while making sure that a part of her brain was rigidly fixed on the sound of splitting wood coming from outside. When the last devastating notes flowed through the room ending in silence, Maddie set her phone down and continued to breathe deeply and evenly. Amazed at the strange turn of events, she let out a weak chuckle, that was more of her choking on air than an actual laugh, but none the less, it made her feel better. It was ironic that after all Bucky's talk of hurting her and not being good for her; that just his presence alone would help her through a small panic attack, without him even knowing.
Thinking back to the conversation yesterday, Maddie hoped that she did the same for him.
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Flashback
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The fire popped and crackled as Maddie cuddled deeper into the side of the couch as she turned sideways to face Bucky. After the initial hug, Maddie had wordlessly led him back to the couch where he seemed to agree with her unwillingness to let too much space grow between them, and had sat down next to her without even glancing at his previous spot on the armchair. As they settled comfortably on the couch, Maddie exhaled slowly and let the easy silence settle between them. But something that he had said while ranting slowly came back to her.
"So..um…You've just been walking for the last five or so days? Where were you going to go?" He turned to face her, and she saw a flicker of something unpleasant cross his face before leaving just as quickly. He met her question with a deep sigh before turning his body towards her. "Nowhere, I was just walking, didn't really have any real plans. I just thought that if I could put enough distance between us then…I don't know; something would happen." The unpleasant look returned to his face and she watched as he seemed to try to gather his thoughts. "The last few days weren't," he stopped again, and his eyes fell to the floor. "They weren't great, doll." For the next half hour, her soul mate told her all about his days moving hopelessly through the woods, both leaving and coming back to her. He seemed to be avoiding something, but she didn't want to push too hard when he was already giving her so much. But when he told her of his third night in the woods, Maddie felt sadness fill her heart as he detailed his PTSD induced nightmare. "Seems like we both have some pretty terrible demons." Maddie said as she placed her hand on his knee in a sign of comfort. But when he started to shift in his seat, as if he were uncomfortable with her show of solidarity, she began to wonder if there was something he wasn't telling her. But she lost that train of thought as he lifted a gloved hand and tilted her face up to meet his searching gaze.
"You amaze and humble me doll, but I know what I am. I deserve the demons that haunt me," Maddie glared at him and opened her mouth to protest but was stopped when he dropped his hand to her shoulder and gave her a gentle squeeze, and continued before she could speak. "You, on the other hand, don't. Can you please tell me what happened to you, doll? You told me about it before but not everything."
Dread, cold and biting, filled her like it did every time someone asked her to remember that horrible night, but whether from the year of therapy under her belt or his comforting presence; the sharpness didn't linger quite as long as it normally would have. Instead, she was able to focus her mind on the warmth his body was radiating and easily shook off the icy fingers of fog that reached out in her mind.
"Maddie? If it's too hard still than never mind, please don't force yourself to,"
"No, it's fine, I'm ok. I've talked about it so many times, told the story to so many people, that you would think I wouldn't have any problems talking about it anymore," She paused to shift her weight so that she was resting her head against the back of the couch, subconsciously wrapping her arms around herself, and looked up into his concerned eyes. "And I want you, of all people, to know about what happened. Plus," she smiled gently up at him. "You have a very calming presence and…um…you just being here, with me, has helped quite a bit." She could feel her face warm slightly and hoped that she hadn't said too much too soon. Maddie did not want him to bolt again and when he moved, she looked up at him in question, but what she saw caught her by surprise.
Maddie watched as Bucky settled in, turning towards her to give her his undivided attention and dropping his metal arm over the couch as if to get more comfortable. Her gut twisted as she tried to decide where to begin. "Well, I ummm. So, I told you that I'm a photographer, right?" She watched as he nodded, and losing some of her nerves, she backtracked. "Oh, right, of course I did. Maybe I should start by telling you that I haven't always had the power to manipulate plants, it has only been a year; because of that night, in fact, and," stopping abruptly, she sighed. "God I already told you that too, I'm messing this all up. I should just start from the beginning."
'Why is this so hard? I've literally told this story to almost everyone I know. Is it because it's HIM or is it because everyone who knows either lives on the island or…is my therapist?'
Rubbing a hand up and down her arm, she pondered that thought before looking up and into sharp, 'incredible', blue eyes that were full of concern. She appreciated the silence between them, as it gave her time to collect her thoughts, but she really just needed to get on with it.
'It's no big deal, it's just a traumatic story that you've told over and over. Just start at the beginning.'
A movement drew her out of her spiraling thoughts, and she watched as Bucky gently took her still moving hand in his own and gave her fingers a light squeeze. It was a little awkward because he was using his right hand, the one that was furthest away from her, while his metal left one was still resting over the back of the couch, but she held on to his offered line of support, took a deep breath, and jumped in.
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"Ok so, I'm a photographer, right? And well, there was this one couple, Kara and Jim; they wanted to take engagement pictures on a yacht out at sea, something I've done more times than I can remember. But it was the beginning of October and the weather isn't very good that time of year. Every time we would try to go out, the weather would get bad, like really bad, and we would have to go back to shore." Remembering all the frustration she had felt during the first three tries, Maddie slumped down, burrowing herself farther into the couch.
"By the third time this happened everyone was upset, but there was nothing we could do about the weather. I tried to talk them into taking photos at my studio or at least in a place where we had more control over the situation, but Kara was having none of it. It got so bad that I almost dropped them as clients entirely, just wipe my hands of the whole frustrating situation."
Upset at her past self, Maddie huffed. "If I could go back now, I would do just that, but in the end, it became like this big mission, like it was us against the weather and all we had to do was just get the perfect shot and we would win." Breathing in deeply, Maddie let out a shuddering breath as she remembered all the arguments she had with the couple, and, once again, regret filled her. "After the third session was a bust, the couple even started bringing champagne so when we did get the perfect pictures, we could celebrate our victory over the elements; grooms' words, not mine."
Maddie took a long pause after that, hoping that she would be able to make it through the rest of the story. This was going to be the hard part and she could already hear the bells. "We thought we had finally found the perfect day; partly cloudy, a twenty percent chance of rain; no signs of the storm that was on its way. The only problem we had was that my assistant was sick from all the time in the rain." A band started to tighten around her chest, and she took in several deep shuddering breaths and exhaled unsteadily.
"Maddie?" With her eyes blinking away the burning sensation that meant tears were just moments away, she looked up at him and saw that he was picking his next words cautiously. "Would it," he started then stopped, clearing his throat before his eyes softened, "Fuck. Come here doll, don't cry." Then he gave her hand a firm but gentle tug while he shifted to make space for her between his body and the armrest on his side.
A watery smile split Maddie's face and she almost melted with happiness at the gesture he was making towards her. "Thank you, Bucky." She said with a hiccup and a slight hitch to her voice as she let herself be pulled across the couch. She did a smooth, but slightly awkward, spin and scoot, landing with her back against the armrest and her legs draped over his lap so that her feet rested on the other side of the couch.
His arm came around her loosely and Maddie leaned into him, tucking herself against his side. Not knowing what to do with her hands, she clasped them in her lap, unconsciously wringing them together tightly till his hand moved to pry her fingers apart. Breathing in deeply, Maddie held the air in her lungs, counted to ten, then exhaled in a rush while taking hold of his proffered hand.
"My ummm, my mom insisted that she would help; I had been telling her everything about the whole crazy situation and she was almost more excited than I was to get this job done." Swallowing down the lump in her throat; she tasted saltwater on her tongue. "We were out on the water as early as we could be, and everything was working out great. Dry weather and amazing shots of an ecstatic couple, it was like a dream come true. Jim broke out the champagne toward the end of the shoot and, because I had cleared my schedule anticipating another disappointing day, mom and I didn't need much convincing to celebrate with them, after all, we had no reason to hurry back to shore now that we had what we came for."
She paused again, feeling moisture build in her eyes but she quickly blinked it away while tracing a scar that ran down his index finger. "The weather started to turn but it was like another victory and when Jim asked if I would do some shots of them dancing in the rain, I thought it was a romantic and wonderful way to celebrate. But I should have said no…I regret that as well." She shuttered out a breath as the first tear slid down her face. "The storm came on so fast, wind, rain, lightning, you name it, it came at us hard. One minute the water was rough but manageable the next it was tossing the boat around like a toy. A wave came out of nowhere hitting our boat hard and it moved us just enough so that the next set of waves hit the side of the boat, breaking almost on top of us. Kim, my mom, and I went downstairs to the dining area below deck, while Jim went off on his own to get us moving. It got really scary after that and I'm still not 100% sure what happened; all I know is that at some point our boat capsized." Her tear-filled eyes locked with his as she remembered the horror.
"God Bucky it was horrible. We were all sitting at the table trying to hold on as the boat was being tossed around. Then we slammed against the table and, and it just kept rolling. Kara had been sitting on the outside edge and fell immediately and must have hit something because she was screaming in pain. My mom went down after her trying to help, but I was so scared that I just froze. Water had already started to fill the room and I remember my mom pulling me towards where the stairs were but then the lights went out and, oh God, the feeling of the water getting higher and not being able to see anything was awful. It was freezing cold and dark, and I just knew we were going to drown." She broke off to take some deep trembling breaths. "Sometimes," she looked up into his shocked eyes and whispered softly. "Sometimes I dream that I'm still trapped in that small dark galley and the water just gets higher and higher." Maddie wrapped her arms around herself as her body shook uncontrollably and vaguely felt her soul mate do the same.
"I don't remember how we got out of the boat, but I do remember fighting the waves while screaming for my mom. I couldn't see her anywhere. I thought I heard someone yelling so I started to swim in that direction. But it was so dark, and I went under so many times and I was so confused and scared and…well…it wasn't a person. It was that God damn bell; one of those fucking huge red ocean buoys. A wave tossed me into it and I just never let go. I wrapped myself around the buoy so tightly that I had cuts on my arms, legs, and face from the metal, some of them are scars now. I don't know how long I was out there, but I do have vague memories of the seaweed covering me, but I was too out of it to really notice. That's where the coast guard found me, wrapped in seaweed, half-frozen and clinging to the buoy." Unable to stop it now, Maddie started to cry in earnest, letting out all her pain and regret.
She heard Bucky mumble something that sounded like 'so that's why' or 'that makes sense' but she was too deep in her own sadness to ask him about it. Then she felt him wrap his other arm around her and lay his head on top of hers. She felt like she was breaking apart and that only his hold on her was keeping her together. "Fuck Maddie, I'm so sorry. So God damn sorry." Burying her face against his chest, she sank into his embrace, wrapped her finger around his black shirt, and held on as the wave of that night washed over her.
"That must have been terrifying, I'm sorry you had to endure that." His hold on her seemed to tighten, if that were even possible for she could hardly move as it was, and she wondered if he was thinking about all the 'what if' scenarios that she herself had imagined during her sleepless nights alone in her apartment. "What happened to everyone else?" He asked quietly, almost hesitantly.
"The coast guard was able to get to everyone, but my mom was already gone when they found her." She choked out, trying to breathe around the lump in her throat.
"Oh…I'm so sorry you lost your mother in such a horrible way." His voice was low and sad but so comforting. She gave him a small thank you, still trying desperately to hold herself together.
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They stayed like that for a long time, just clinging to each other, both giving and receiving comfort from the other. Maddie's tears had finally stopped, leaving her with the occasional shudder or hiccupping breath. When Bucky finally unfolded himself to lean heavily against the back of the couch, she followed his momentum, resting bonelessly against him. "How is your father doing now?" His question warmed her heart, and she could feel a small smile tug at the corners of her lips.
"He shut down for a while; I thought I would lose him too but he's doing…better now. Ironically enough, I think the sudden appearance of my ability really helped him. I said before that he really worries about me now,"
"Rightfully so." Bucky interrupted firmly
"Yes, yes I know. It's for a good reason, but I really think that if he didn't have me and my situation to worry about, both PTSD wise and plant wise, I would have lost him. He would have just shut down and, as cliché as it sounds, I think he would have died of a broken heart."
"Their love was that strong?"
"They were the definition of soul mates; after thirty plus years of being together, there were still times when they would act like love-struck teenagers. They would do date nights at least twice a month, my mom would pack a lunch for my dad every day, always adding in desserts or little notes. Once a week my dad would give flowers to my mom and me, anything from a bouquet to a single flower that he had pick from our own garden. And he would present them to her with a flourish saying something like, 'For you my darling.' And she would look at him like he had just given her the moon, not a daffodil that he picked from the flowerpot on the front porch." Turning her head, Maddie gazed unseeingly into the fire. "After she passed, he just took off, packed a bag, took his boat, and left. I thought I would never see him again; she was his whole world."
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End of flashback
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"Oh dad." Leaning back against the couch, she closed her sore eyes and desperately hoped that her father was still doing well without her. "He encouraged this trip, but I can't help but worry about him." Bringing her hand up, she rubbed at her wet eyes and prayed that he was ok.
A sudden bang and a loud crack startled her out of her inner turmoil and, rising slowly to her feet, Maddie made her way over to the back door. Opening it slowly, she stuck her head out just as another loud bang and crack pierced the air. Walking out onto the deck, she peered over the hand railing and almost swooned at the sight before her.
Somewhere, probably in the little power shed, her Soul Mate had found an ax and was busy turning a small pile of wood into kindling and logs for the fire. Not wanting to distract him while he was working, Maddie leaned against the railing and appreciated the movement of his muscles under the black long-sleeve shirt he wore. She relaxed against the railing as the sounds of him working played out around her. The whistle of the ax as it tore through the air, the crack of the wood, and the weighted bang of the ax when Bucky buried it into the thick stump he was using as a chopping block. Everything played together beautifully. Leaning heavily against the railing, she let the smell of the freshly doused forest and the meditative sounds of Bucky working below her, ease her weary mind and body.
He stopped after a few minutes and stuck the blade of the ax into the stump to keep it secure while he turned and walked over to grab another large piece of wood. Without turning his head to her, Bucky called out to her from over his shoulder, "How are you feeling?"
"Humm? Oh, hey Paul Bunyan," chuckling at her own joke, Maddie straightened and smiled down at her Soul Mate. "Yeah, I'm feeling better, a hot shower really works wonders. I'm not 100% yet but I'm getting there." A deep chuckle and a nod was his response as he placed a chunk of wood on the chopping block. Raising the ax, he brought it down with a powerful swing sending the two halves of the wood flying out to either side. Securing the ax again, Bucky picked up both pieces and tossed them into the 'done' pile. Then, putting his hand on the handle, he leaned against it and looked up at her.
"Did you see the pills I left out for you?"
"Yes, I did." She smiled down at him.
"Did you take them?"
"Yes, I did." She giggled at his persistent line of questioning. "Thank you, that was very thoughtful. How did you sleep last night? Was the couch comfortable?"
"Yes ma'am, it's a good thing too, I'm going to need all the energy I can get to clear out the trail you covered. Which by the way, can you do anything about that?"
"Ummm?" Looking around at the solid wall of foliage, she gave him a sheepish look. "No, that's something I can't do, sorry. But you are a strong super soldier and apparently a hell of a lumberjack. I'm sure you can carve out a new path by the end of the day." She laughed at his incredulous expression. "I'm just kidding, you can have till Friday." She giggled at the dry look he shot her.
"It is Friday doll." Bucky said as he reached down to grab another piece of wood.
"What?" She straightened with a start.
"Today is Friday Maddie." Turning on her heel, Maddie started to head back inside. "What's wrong? Is there something special about today?" He called out after her.
"Yeah, I got to call my dad. I check in with him every Friday, he's going to freak out if I don't." Maddie opened the door just as she heard pounding footsteps on the stairs and Bucky shouted out a strained, "Maddie wait!"
Freezing halfway through the door, she watched as Bucky quickly jogged up the stairs and made a b-line towards her. "what? What's wrong?" Concerned, she waited for him to explain.
"Don't tell your father or any of your friends that we have met."
"What!? But,"
"Please Maddie," he interrupted, "Nobody can know I'm here. If somehow HYDRA found out," he gently took hold of her shoulders. "It would be a nightmare for everyone; you and everyone you had ever come in contact with would be in danger. So please, for now, can we keep me being in this location a secret?"
Letting out a soul-deep sigh, her shoulders slumped in defeat. She wanted to argue, wanted to be open with her family and friends, and rejoice with them about her new relationship but she understood where he was coming from, agreed with him even; however, that didn't stop the disappointment from flooding her. She could feel her eyes burn again and had to look away from his piercing blue ones. "God, I hate that your right."
"I know Maddie, and I'm sorry that it has to be this way." He said with a hint of resentment in his voice as he pulled her into a tight hug. "I wish I could be the man you deserve."
'Come on Maddie, pull up your big girl pants and be an adult about this. Yeah, it sucks that you'll have to keep a new MAJOR part of your life a secret from the people you love, BUT it's for the safety and good of so many. Plus Bucky needs my support right now, not a whiny little girl. And bright side…alone time getting to know your super-hot super-soldier, that's nice.'
"Well, it that's how it has to be then, that's how it has to be." She let herself wallow in the disappointment for a few more moments then turned to him with, what she hoped was, a look of strength and compassion on her face. "OK, for as long as you deem it necessary; I can keep you a secret." He squeezed her one last time before letting go.
"Thank you."
"But," she interrupted him this time with a mock stern tone. "I was planning on going home at the end of December, just in time for Christmas. So, you have two and a half months to do whatever super-secret spy super soldier stuff you need to do before then or Christmas is going to be a bit awkward for you." She tried to be intimidating but her nose chose that moment to clean out her sinuses; she sneezed four times before she was able to look at him again, and by that time he was grinning from ear to ear.
"OK doll, whatever you say, let's just get you back inside before you get sick again."
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Note-
Sorry that this chapter is a day late, but last time I uploaded a chapter next to/on a major holiday it didn't work for the first few days soooooo I'm going to be avoided them in the future. Also, I hope everyone had a great holiday season and a wonderful new year, here's to 2021! :)