A/N You have all been so patient! I am so sorry that it has been so long since I posted a chapter. Life seems so busy and when I have the time I do not necessarily have the energy! I hope you are all keeping well in our mad world.

Chapter 10

'MUM!' Lawrence shouted. 'WILL – YOU – SLOW -DOWN?!'

A rather dishevelled Caroline stopped in her tracks immediately, at the shock of hearing her younger son address her so loudly and abruptly. The contents of her messenger bag littered the floor around her as she leaned back on her haunches and took a visible breath. As she was accustomed to do when under pressure or embarrassed, she pulled her fingers through her fringe as she reddened slightly.

'It's my keys. I can't find them.' She explained sheepishly.

Lawrence left the room and returned immediately, dangling a key fob between his thumb and index finger. 'What, these?'

A relieved smile spread across her face and she breathed an audible sigh of relief.

'Where did..'

'The hall dresser, with your phone. Sorry I shouted, by the way, but you were about to explode and I imagined bits of your innards flying around and landing on my pizza!'

Caroline laughed despite her inner turmoil as she captured the same mental image.

'Heaven forbid that you'd have more protein than carbs!' she chuckled.

'What's the matter with you anyway, mum? It's not like you to go into meltdown over mislaid keys. Is it,' he began, choosing his words carefully 'anything to do with Kate coming home tomorrow? If it is, there's no need. You've planned everything meritocracy, as always.'

'Meticulously, I think you mean.'

'Yeah, maybe. Well, whatever, you've done it. I heard Ginika say she thought you ought to be running the country as you'd get us on the straight and narrow within six months of taking office. Anyway, is it? About Kate coming home, I mean? And where are you off to anyway? You don't normally go and see Kate until Flora's asleep.'

'No, I don't and I'm not today. I've just got a meeting. I'm not seeing Kate until I pick her up in the morning. Ginika's going to get your sister ready for bed and I'll be back before she goes off. Perhaps you'll offer to help Ginika please, Lawrence. She doesn't like to ask.' She artfully avoided one of her son's questions, grateful that his concentration span had limits especially when he had food to eat.

'Yeah, sure, anything but..'

'Yeah, Ginika knows, anything but nappy change!'

ooOoo

Caroline's nervousness knew no bounds by the time she manoeuvred the Jeep into the last remaining space outside a nondescript, red-brick three-storey building in the centre of Harrogate. She looked around anxiously, concerned that there might be someone about who recognised her. Not that she needed to worry, the outside of the building gave no clue as to the reason for her visit and once inside the notice board advised that there were numerous units for a wide number of purposes, from chiropody to yoga, acupuncture to life drawing classes. She chuckled to herself that she might have been more embarrassed had she been attending the latter rather than the real reason for her visit. She looked at her watch, although there was no real need to do so, having timed her journey to perfection. Having easily located unit 2H at the end of the corridor on the second floor, she knocked at the door on the dot of 6 p.m.

The door was opened almost immediately by a pretty, thirty-something woman in a long pale blue denim shirt over black leggings. Her auburn hair was tied casually above her head by a multi-coloured scarf, which appeared to be struggling to keep control.

'Hello, I'm Sylvie and you must be Caroline, please come in. You found us alright then? Silly statement. Ignore me. You're here on time and so you must have!'

ooOoo

'She'll be there now. Who'd have thought we'd come to this.' Celia informed Alan as he woke from a nap in front of the TV. 'Do you want a drink?'

He licked his lips. 'Do you need to ask?' he enquired with a smile. 'But, let me make it. It will do me good to stretch my legs. I don't know why you're being so negative. Counselling isn't anything shameful. Good on 'er for admitting she needs help, I say.'

'Oh Alan. You would. Whatever will anyone say when they find out? I can hear it now. Renowned head loses the plot.'

Alan pulled himself up from the sofa, surreptitiously stretching his knees as he did so. He didn't want to give Celia any ammunition. He knew what she was like when she was in her opining mood; any excuse for her rant to encompass other subjects and she still had not forgiven him for spending the morning in the garden.

'If they do then the shame would be theirs, not Caroline's. If anything, it would be amazing if she did NOT need someone to talk to.'

'She's got me.'

'Yes, she's got you and you've been marvellous but there's history between the two of you and it's less than three months since you refused to attend.. '

'And whose fault is that, pray tell me? Eh?'

'And by that very question you confirm that you're not the person for this particular endeavour. Stick to what you do best, Celia, and be grateful there's someone right this minute who is doing their best in another way.'

'I wonder if I should just pop next door and help Ginika with little Flora? A second pair of hands is always helpful.'

'That's not a good idea and well you know it. You won't be able to stop yourself from gossiping and Ginika doesn't need any more to worry about. Go, by all means, but only go if you can button your lip.'

'Sit back down. I'll make the brew.' She responded tersely as she tossed her cardigan onto the back of her favourite chair.

ooOoo

'So, how do you want to proceed?' Sylvie asked, her eyes rigidly fixed on Caroline who returned her gaze for a few seconds before looking downwards. This had been her familiar posture since the session had begun almost an hour earlier.

'Is it ok if I have a think and call you.'

'Of course, the ball's in your court but I know you realise that today has just begun the process rather than be the solution.'

The tired, anxious woman shifted position on her chair, lifted her head and focused on a small area of torn wallpaper behind Sylvie. She smiled as it prompted her to recall similar damage to the hallway in Conway Drive when she had thrown shoes at her ex-husband; one of several defining moments from the past twelve months.

'Yes, sadly, I know there's no quick way to success. I tell that to my students at the start of every academic year. No pain, no gain. You'll only get out what you're prepared to put in. Every journey begins with the first step.' Her smile broadened. 'Cliches dot com.'

'But you've made the first step, no, the first few steps.'

'I have.' She paused. 'I HAVE. You know, Kate would be so proud of me for seeking help with my demons. She never said it in so many words, but the inference was there a few times. Not lately, well, not the last few months but before that, yes.'

'Do you think you'll tell Kate that you've been here today?'

'Another good question and here I was, thinking the session had finished, and now I might have to pay you overtime.'

'Do you know, Caroline, you are very good at using humour to deflect attention and I wonder if I am right in thinking that you find it helpful to divert yourself as well as other people.'

'Guilty as charged!' she responded, once again automatically using humour as a defence weapon. 'Um, not helpful, though is it?' she continued in a rather more serious tone.

'That's a good question too! Positivity and humour can be helpful. Through life, through trial and error, we tend to use strategies which support us through difficulties. Some aren't so helpful, especially when they become another problem to manage. Alcohol, for instance, if that becomes a crutch that you cannot do without. There's nothing wrong in being a glass half full type of person unless you're covering up that you feel your glass is empty. No pun intended after the reference to alcohol, by the way. So, you might need to be honest with yourself about that and perhaps look at why you feel a need to hide your true feelings from those around you, particularly those you love and trust.'

Without Caroline realising what was happening, her time with Sylvie carried on for another twenty minutes, when they covered more ground than the previous fifty-five. Whilst Sylvie preferred to limit her sessions to a maximum of an hour, especially for the first meeting, she ignored the ticking clock in front of her and was pleased that she did not have any other clients that evening as she let Caroline continue. For the first time since Kate's accident Caroline began to feel a loosening of the guilt that she felt about the accident – no doubt helped by the fact that for the first time she verbalised those feelings. The accident had happened just after Kate had taken William and Lawrence to their respective destinations and Kate had called into a local shop to buy some milk. Caroline felt burdened by the feeling that she should have been the one to do those tasks rather than to stay at home and focus on school responsibilities, on her honeymoon! Whatever had she been thinking to expect Kate, at almost full-term, to be chasing around Harrogate? Where were her priorities? What – if anything – had she learned about putting Kate and their baby first and what hope was there that she would get important things in their rightful place going forward? So, as these questions came to her mind and she challenged herself to answer them, the weight of her remorse began to lift. Sylvie listened, very occasionally asking for clarification, but predominantly using her years of experience to give Caroline the space and time to release the negativity that had been held captive for so long.

ooOoo

Caroline returned home drained. Sylvie had expressed a hope that she would find a way to have some time to herself before bedtime and her parting words had been 'If you remember nothing else from this evening, please remember this - be kind to yourself, Caroline'. Determined to do just that, she resolved to do steer clear of the office, her mother and the laundry basket. They could wait for another day. Lawrence had been fed already and she knew that Ginika would happily organise a meal for them both while Caroline settled Flora down for the night. So, it was well before 10 p.m. that Caroline snuggled into bed and called Kate.

'My last night alone in this bed, Kate. I can't wait to have you home.' She texted with conviction and truth, immediately the call ended.

A heart emoji was sent in reply.