"Oh my God."
Donna mutters quietly.
All the pain, tears, frustration, and everything else keeps flooding back and she's overwhelmed.
What the hell?
She left him to work for Louis. Then she came back. Mike got into prison instead of Harvey. She became a goddamn COO, and most importantly, she almost left everyone behind. Why? Because Harvey couldn't choose.
She resigned. Left the building and got into an accident.
It was all too much to take in at once. And maybe that's why an involuntary gasp leaves her lips.
Which seems to startle Harvey from his call. Seeing him excuse himself quickly as he hangs up the phone, Donna watches him put it back into his pocket and closes the distance between them.
"What's wrong?" Harvey asks, frowning.
Donna just stands there, feet rooted to the floor, in a pool of newfound memories when Harvey asks that. She doesn't hear a word he says, which prompts him to repeat his question.
"Huh?" Donna asks, shaken away from her daydream. "What?"
"What's wrong, Donna?" Harvey's brows furrowed.
Donna contemplates for a moment. Should she tell him? But then something inside of her pushes her to say: "You said that to me after that case, years ago."
"What?" Harvey's eyes widen slightly.
"You said you loved me, and then you left."
Harvey's shoulders become tense, his jaw locks and he freezes for a second. "Donna…"
Curious, Donna presses for more information. "Why did you leave, Harvey?"
Harvey swallows as he stays silent for a while.
"What did that mean, Harvey?"
Finally, Harvey speaks up. "You remembered that?"
Donna nods.
"Is there anything else you remember about that time?" Harvey wonders.
"Just the case, what happened after, and that I left to work for Louis."
Harvey nods. "That's good. That you remember that, I mean."
Donna rolls her eyes. "Harvey, don't beat around the bush."
"What do you want me to say, Donna?" Harvey asks, frustration slowly creeping into his voice.
"The truth!" Donna almost shouts.
Harvey swallows once again. "Okay. First, tell me, what else do you remember?"
Donna stays silent for a minute. Should I? Should he know? Against her better judgment, Donna says: "Everything. Or I think it's everything."
"Is that why you've ignored me for almost a week?" Harvey finally asks.
Donna's brow furrows. Is he really changing the subject? Really? Fine then, we won't talk about it then. "No. Yes. Kinda." She pauses for a second. "I met Paula."
"Paula?"
"Yes. She approached me and we talked. Then she said something that made a memory come back."
"Oh." Harvey sighs out of relief almost, or a realization. Who knows. "Was it something regarding the case?"
"Yes." Donna nods. But doesn't elaborate more. And Harvey knows not to push her for answers. Instead, he asks: "Are you still mad at me?"
Donna's eyes meet his and she sees the playful twinkle in his chocolate brown ones, which makes her let out a slight giggle, involuntary. She pretends to think about it before tilting her head slightly to the left. "Maybe."
Harvey grins. "Does that mean that we're gonna have breakfast together?"
Donna rolls her eyes again. He really is an idiot. But then she leads him to the kitchen.
They might have not talked about the important stuff today, but the feeling of their normal creeps through Donna's insides as they make their way to the kitchen, and she knows that somehow they'll be alright. Hopefully.
After they've eaten their breakfast, talked about what they've missed out on during the week, joked around, and definitely didn't talk about what they should have, Harvey has to leave for work when Louis called him with an emergency.
With a sigh and the promise of a movie night, Harvey leels Donna's apartment an hour later.
It left Donna all alone with her thoughts yet again.
Not for too long though.
After she cleaned up the mess they've made, showered, and dressed for the day, Rachel texts her if she can come over. Needing the distraction, Donna agrees.
An hour later, they are both sitting on her couch, with a glass of wine in hand.
"He really didn't say anything?"
They talked about yesterday and in the midst of it, the conversation shifted to Harvey.
Shaking her head, Donna says: "No. He seemed weird. As if he was caught in the headlights. I don't know what's wrong, Rachel. It's been years, and he's still incapable of talking about it."
Seeing Donna get worked up over something like that makes Rachel chuckles as she grins at the redhead.
Hearing her best friend chuckle, Donna raises her eyebrow and frowns. "What?"
"Nothing.
"Rachel…"
Rachel's grin widens. "You are in love with him."
Donna frowns. An objection ready on the tip of her tongue, before Rachel cuts in. "You know what I said yesterday, about him being in love with you, right? Well, I think that you're in love with him, too. And despite your little act of pretending that the feelings aren't there, they are. Otherwise, you wouldn't be so worked up about this…"
"I'm not in love with him," Donna protests.
Rachel raises her eyebrow. "Really? Then why do you always go above and beyond for him? Why does it always bother you when he's with someone? You once told me that you would've wanted a relationship with him, but he wasn't ready. What if you're the one that's not ready?"
"What do you mean?" Donna asks after a moment of silence.
"You know what I mean, Donna. Ever since I started at the firm, you two have been circling around each other like lost puppies. It was kinda funny at the beginning, but as months - or even years - passed, it got old. At first, I couldn't describe it, but then I saw you two hunched over a case file in his office one day, and if I didn't know better I would've thought that you've been in a relationship. Except for the fact that you weren't..."
"Rachel get to the point." Donna rolls her eyes.
"What you two have is a holding pattern. It's like you both are waiting for the other to cross the line you've crossed once."
Donna's breath hitches a little. She looks at her hands for a second, before her gaze shifts back to Rachel. "I am just too scared to lose what we have, you know?"
"And what's that?" Rachel asks with a furrowed eyebrow.
"A friendship."
That makes Rachel snort. "Honey, what you two have is definitely not a friendship. What we have is a friendship." She gestures between them. "You two are stuck in a limbo."
Donna sighs. "What am I supposed to do about that?
"That's something you have to figure out yourself," Rachel says with a slight smile as she reaches for Donna's hand. Squeezing it, she continues: "Just know that no matter what happens, there's always a part of you that's been in love with him from the moment you've met. It's up to you if you're gonna listen to it, though."
Donna stays silent at that. Taking everything in, as Rachel looks at her watch.
"Oh, damn. I need to go. I have a meeting with a client in an hour."
"Hurry up then." Donna giggles as she watches Rachel hurry to strap on her shoes and get her purse before rushing to the door. Before leaving, Rachel turns to Donna. "Please, don't wait until it's too late, okay?"
"Okay."
With that, both girls say their goodbyes, and Donna watches Rachel walk towards the elevator before closing the door and making her way back into the living room.
"I had to come in for this?"Harvey fusses under his breath as both of the managing partners walk from the conference room into their respective offices.
Hearing Harvey complain, Louis rolls his eyes as they pause just before Harvey's office. "You're a managing partner, Harvey..."
Harvey looks unamused. What the hell is the point? "But you could've prevented Simms from leaving on your own."
"I could have. But he's your client too." Louis reminds him.
"Goddamnit, Louis!" Harvey curses. "I was in the middle of something!"
"What? Sleeping?" Louis wonders with a semi-serious look on his face.
"I was at Donna's apartment..." Harvey trails off.
At that, Louis' eyes widen as he hums in realization. "Wait. Are you two?"
"Don't even start on that!"
Louis raises an eyebrow as they stop before Harvey's office. "Does that have something with Donna ignoring you this week?"
"Yeah." Harvey looks at his watch, then he looks back at Louis as he points in the direction of his office… "Like I said, you interrupted me. So, I would like to go back, if that's okay with you…"
Without waiting for his response, Harvey slips into his office, leaving a confused Louis standing in the hallway.
Finally. Harvey sighs as he sits down in his chair. It was a long day, a long goddamn meeting, and he just wants to go back to Donna's. They might have patched things up - in a way, but he knows that there is more to be done. Way more to discuss and this time, he knows that he has to come clean about everything.
Even if it means that his relationship with her will go back to that limbo.
He can't just hide behind this mask anymore. She deserves more. They both do.
And that's why he needs to go back as soon as possible.
Hurrying to grab his belongings, Harvey stands up and heads towards the elevators. But before he can even cross his office, Mike's voice fills the silence.
"Heading somewhere?"
Turning in Mike's direction Harvey frowns. "Why? Is there a burning building that needs taking care of?"
Mike rolls his eyes. "Like you could even do that, old man."
Harvey scoffs. Then he puts his things back on his desk and sits down. "What did you want, Mike?"
"Rachel and I decided to finally get married."
"Does that mean that I have to get you out of prison again?" Harvey jokes.
Mike fake laughs. "Funny. Why don't you pour us a glass and we can discuss the terms of you being my best man?"
"I haven't agreed yet." Seeing Mike's pointed look, Harvey contemplates for a minute, then he puts his things back on his desk, and goes to fill their glasses. "Sure."
They've been talking about Mike's upcoming nuptials for a while now, when Mike, who's mood already shifted a little after three glasses of scotch, asks: "Still up for being my best man?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world." Harvey smiles. Then he looks at his watch and frowns. Goddamnit.
"Something wrong?" Mike wonders.
"No. Why?"
"This is the third time you've looked at your watch. And don't tell me you didn't, because I saw you. So, tell me. Is there somewhere you have to be?" Mike asks knowingly, a smirk appearing on his face.
Harvey acts clueless for a moment, then he asks: "Where else do I have to be?"
"I have no idea where old people go… that's your area." Mike continues to tease.
Harvey gives him a look that shuts him up
Mike clears his throat after a few seconds. "Seriously, is there something bothering you? You're way too anxious."
Harvey is ready to protest, but the words die on his tongue. Instead, he sighs, slouches more into his seat, and before he has the chance to say something, Mike beats him to it. "Let me guess. Donna…"
Harvey stays silent, but the determined, yet lost look in his eyes speaks volumes. Just that look makes Mike sigh in realization. "Did something happen?"
"Yeah… Not really… I don't know." Harvey gulps down his scotch before continuing. "We're okay. I think."
"For now."
Harvey's brows furrow. "What?"
Mike puts his glass down and looks at Harvey as he straightens up in his seat. "It's Donna we're talking about here, Harvey. You might have patched things up now, but you need to do something about it before…"
"Before what?"
Mike hesitates a little. "You love her. As much as you try to hide it, you do. But you need to tell her that before she runs off and leaves you forever. Otherwise, you're gonna mope around like you did when she was in the hospital. You remember that?"
Harvey stays silent, so Mike continues. "You almost lost her once. Think about how you felt when there was a possibility of her not waking up. If you're not gonna make a choice, she's gonna disappear from your life forever. Think about how that would feel like."
With his last words, Mike stands up, reaches for Harvey, and puts his hand on his shoulder. "Be a man and make a choice. Before she makes one for you."
Listening to Mike, Harvey thinks about it for a while, before his gaze shifts to his watch again and he says: "I'm sorry Mike, but I have to go."
Grinning, Mike asks: "Where?"
Harvey rolls his eyes, already standing up. "I just have to."
As Harvey hurries towards the elevators, he can hear Mike mutter under his breath: "I bet you do…" But that doesn't matter, because there's only one person on his mind. Donna.
"Just know that no matter what happens, there's always a part of you that's been in love with him from the moment you've met."
While cleaning up the glasses and a bottle of wine, Donna reflects on Rachel's words.
As much as she loves her best friend, at that moment ‐ in the confines of her apartment, surrounded by everything Rachel left her with - Donna is lost. She knows that Rachel is right, that she has to come clean with herself.
She had to.
But how?
According to the brunette, Donna's feelings have been clear for years, but she didn't see it. How could she, when a part of her memory was gone for months?
Yes, she got her memory back. But how can she be sure that it's all true? How can she be sure that everything she thinks she felt was true? How can she be sure that the feelings are still there? And how can she even be sure that there are even certain feelings involved there?
But then her mind travels back to that moment in his office, where everything was uncertain, and she spirals.
"Donna, you of all people should understand by now that to me they're the same thing."
The desperation mixed with pain and fear in his eyes and voice is something she could never forget. That time. That whole week felt like something she usually dreamt of. But this? Harvey reassuring her in a way? That took her breath away.
He doesn't commit. Donna's not even sure that that word is even in his vocabulary. Why? She didn't know for sure, but it would probably be one of those things his mother took away from him.
They didn't talk about that though.
Not frequently anyway…
And if they did, it was in regard to his relationships with someone else. But them? That was a Pandora box they were too scared to open.
So, when those words left his mouth, Donna was speechless. Because, Harvey Specter didn't do "commitment", but when he did, it was with her - apparently.
And it terrified her.
Yes, she had a rule in place, and yes, he was in a relationship with someone else the last time she even tried to break down that wall, but this is something else. A brand new world, if you will.
They are free - both of them without a relationship to hold them back. They are free to cross that bridge and be finally happy together.
If they would be happy, then why does that thought scare her?
Is it because there is a chance of something that wasn't there before? Or is it because she doesn't know how to make sense of everything?
Yes, she got her memories back. But was she sure that the feelings were there? Probably.
The thought of Harvey looking at her through the glass wall of his office enters her mind. His slight smirk as he thought that she wasn't looking back at him. Or all the times she found a note with his chicken-scratch wishing her good luck before her play, accompanied by a bouquet of lilies, or his genuine smile as he helped her sit down during their many anniversary dinners. It was too much to handle for Donna.
Because Harvey Specter doesn't do "commitment", or show affection, but when he does it means everything.
Just like the relieved look on his face when she woke up in a hospital bed months ago, and his immense support throughout her recovery showed her that actions speak louder than words. At least, in his case.
So yes, Harvey doesn't show affection, or commit to someone, but maybe with her it is different?
Maybe with her, it will be different, if they were to try someday… Maybe he loves her enough to try? But does she love him? After all the heartbreak and secrets he's kept from her?
As much as she tries to deny it, her mind keeps going back to their first meeting. The way her eyes fell on that young hotshot lawyer years ago, while she contemplated whether to approach him or not. In a battle between right or wrong, her heart won and then everything changed.
What had started as curiosity laced with desire, grew into loyalty, a friendship, and a love she knew she couldn't get rid of.
Even if she tries to, she knows there is no point in hiding behind her wall anymore.
And that's why she needs to come clean about everything.
Slipping on her heels, and grabbing the keys, Donna hurries to open her door and get out as soon as possible. Which would have worked if she hadn't been stopped by Harvey, who almost runs into her as she opens her door.
"Harvey?" she asks, with furrowed eyebrows. "What are you doing here?"
Harvey smiles. "I came to see you."
Donna giggles which in return, makes his smile turn into a smirk.
"What's so funny?"
With a smirk still plastered on his face, Harvey replies: "You were heading somewhere…" He trails off as he looks at her. Then, with a raised eyebrow, he asks: "Where were you going?"
Donna stays silent. A moment passes where neither of them says anything before Harvey decides to tease her: "Were you going to meet me?"
"Shut up." She rolls her eyes as she ushers him inside. Closing the door behind her, and placing the keys back on the hallway table, she leads them to her living room. They sit down on the couch and start talking. Harvey catches her up on the case and everything that went on at the firm, while Donna tells him about her day.
Last time he did that, they were at the same place, watching a movie. But now, surrounded by the city's skyline, and silence, Donna feels kind of weird. As if the weight of what was to come - or what she hoped would come - overwhelms her.
Sneaking a glance at him one last time, Donna clears her throat. "Do you want something to drink?"
"Sure."
With that Donna makes her way into the kitchen. A few minutes pass before her apartment starts smelling of vanilla and coffee as she returns to the living room and hands Harvey one of the mugs. She sits down next to him again and takes a sip. Then she puts her mugs on the table and turns to him again.
She wants to break the silence between them and get all the answers to her questions, but she is scared. Scared of what he might say. Of what they might say. Or what they might do. And that's why she tries to delay this conversation as much as possible. But she knows that if she doesn't speak now, she would never bring it up again.
So she clears her throat yet again. "Harvey?"
Her tone grabs his attention and he turns to look at her.
"There's something I've been meaning to ask you. But I don't know how to…"
"Just say it." Harvey grins. "Maybe ripping the band-aid off will help."
Donna rolls her eyes. Okay. Here we go. Ripping the band-aid. Simple, right? "I've remembered a lot of stuff over the past few days and I can't help but wonder... why?"
Harvey's brows furrow. "What do you mean?"
"Why did you keep things from me?"
"Donna, I wasn't keeping anything from you."
"Bullshit!"
"What do you mean, bullshit?"
She snorts as her voice raises. "You've been keeping things from me all the time..."
That gets him frustrated. "You know damn well what the doctor's said! I didn't have a choice!"
"But that's the thing, Harvey! There's always a choice. You're just too scared to make it!"
Harvey sighs. "Donna…" And judging by the determined look in her eyes, Harvey knows that she won't let go easily.
"Don't Donna me, Harvey. Just tell me, why. Why did you keep things from me? Why did you do tha—" Donna insists.
"Because I love you!" Harvey shouts. "And I didn't know what to do with that, or how to tell you. I definitely didn't want to fuck up things between us by telling you. Yes, it was your memory, and you had the right to know everything, but Donna… I didn't want to risk it."
His words leave her stunned. What does she do now? With a whisper, she asks: "What?"
"I knew that if I told you, if I made you remember, everything would go downhill. And I didn't want that. I didn't want to risk losing you, because I need you..."
"Harvey…"
"No, Donna. Please let me finish. I can't lose you, because you're one of the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating people I've ever I love that's why I can't lose you. You mean everythi—"
She's speechless. All these years she's heard him say this to her jokingly, but this feels different. This is Harvey wearing his feelings on his sleeves. To be honest, it feels weird. But that didn't stop her from closing the space between them and shutting him up the only way she knows at that moment - with a kiss.
As the initial shock washes over him, Harvey lifts her chin with his right hand while pulling her hip closer to his with his left. Their eyes lock as his thumb strokes her cheek softly and before Donna can understand what is happening, Harvey's lips find hers in a kiss they yearned for over a decade.
The feeling of his lips on hers, combined with his scent overwhelms her and she melts into him, deepening the kiss. His grip tightens around her waist, gently squeezing her to his front. Donna smiles into the kiss. Her arms find his chest, his shoulders, finally stopping at his neck, where she pulls him closer to her.
Before either of them know what is happening, Donna leads him to her bedroom with a hazy look and a taunting smirk.
After all these months I can finally say that this story is finished! ;) This story was sort of like a "gate" to the fandom, brought me a lot of friendships I'm way too grateful for... From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for supporting this story and being patient with me throughout the updates... Aimee, Z, Dana, Jess,Anna,... thank you for being there for me when I started this journey! Stefanie, love... what can I say except for I love you? Your patience is something I want to have when I grow up! Thank you for being there throughout everything! Thank you ALL for loving this! See you next time! -Jane