They had been down here a while, Gregor thought, laying in his bed. He had finally been allowed to leave the medical wing, and was now allowed to wander the halls if he was accompanied. Normally by Ben or Eli, sometimes Luxa or Josephix. But it had to be someone okayed by both Luxa and Ripred, otherwise it was a no go. Not that he minded. He liked it when he could walk with Luxa, talking about mindless things-anything that wasn't what had happened to him. He still felt an ache in his chest, sometimes, where a part of him had gone missing. No, he thinks. Not missing. It had died. But that had been for the best.
"Hello?"
Gregor sits up, looking to the doorway. Josephix pops his head in, smiling.
"Gregor. Glad to see you up. Are you up to walking while we talk today?"
Gregor hesitates, before nodding. "Yeah. Sure."
"Excellent!" Josephix says. "Let us go, then."
Grabbing a blanket and wrapping it tightly around his shoulders, Gregor follows.
~
"We have not talked much about what happened to you, exactly." Josephix says as they go. "With the Interfectores."
Gregor shrugs. "I mean-what's there to say?"
Josephix hums slightly. "There is a lot to say on it. How do you feel about it? Talking about it is the first step in understanding and working to get better."
Gregor sighs slightly. "I guess."
"We do not have to talk about it yet, if you do not want to. You have already told me about your previous quests. Though, you refused to delve deeper with your fight with the Bane."
Looking anywhere but Josephix, Gregor mumbles something that passes as a reply.
Josephix purses his lips, and guides them around a corner to a balcony. Gregor stops in the doorway, looking out at the drop.
"You still do not like the heights."
"I never liked them to begin with." Gregor says. "Ares-Ares made it tolerable. He was someone I could trust. How come everyone I like down here seems to end up injured or hurt?"
Josephix considers Gregor, before nodding, like he had finally decided on something.
"You think you are the problem."
Gregor stares at him, eyes squinted in disbelief. "What? No. I'm not the problem, like, of course I've caused problems but I've never...I'm not the problem."
Josephix shakes his head, tapping his fingers against his leg. "You believe that the people around you suffer simply because they are around you. Is that why you have difficulty making friends, now? Ben and Eli both seem to want to befriend you-are you sure it is not you pushing them away?"
Gregor scuffs his shoe against the stones, pulling his blanket tighter around himself. "That's...isn't that irrelevant to what we're supposed to be talking about?"
Josephix levels an amused expression at Gregor. "Then what are we supposed to be talking about?"
"I don't know. About what I did."
"And what exactly did you do?"
Gregor shifts uncomfortably-pausing. "I-I killed all those people. All the gnawers."
Josephix nods, staying quiet.
"And it's my fault that I got taken in the first place. If I hadn't been so-I don't know. Stupid. I had been trying to find Phobos. I had wanted to ask him…" Gregor trails off, his face feeling hot. "I had wanted to ask him what he would think about becoming my bond." he finishes bitterly.
Oh, Josephix thinks.
Gregor looks to him, looking slightly desperate. "That's...that's the problem, isn't it? It's my fault that all this happened, and my fault that everything else happened."
"How could it be your fault that a prophecy from hundreds of years ago was coming to pass? You did not write the prophecies. It is not your fault."
Gregor only shakes his head. "I just...I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"That is okay. We can talk about something else."
"Like what? I feel like I've told you everything already."
"Anything you want. I'm sure there's some things we have not talked about. We can talk more about Phobos, if you wish. Why you wish to establish a bond with him."
Shaking his head quickly, Gregor leans up against the wall. "Just. You know. He made me feel safe again. Like flying was something that didn't need to be scary anymore."
Josephix watches as Gregor swipes at his eyes quickly, looking anywhere but him. Josephix doesn't say anything.
"If it is scary, why make yourself do it?"
"Because that's how it's done here."
"There are plenty of people here who fear things that are normal. Fighting. The dark. Your fear is one that I am sure is shared with someone here."
"I don't know." Gregor says. "It was something that was fine at first. Like, I just didn't like heights, but it was bearable if I knew I wasn't going to fall. And then Ares…" Gregor clears his throat. "Ares died, and there was no one to catch me."
"But you feel that Phobos could do it."
"Phobos…" Gregor trails off, shrugging. "When...when I was laying there with Ares-when he was dying. I wanted to follow him. He made me feel brave. Like with him I could do anything. But I couldn't do anything. Because he died. Shouldn't it have been me that died?"
Josephix narrows his eyes. "Gregor."
"I know. I'm not...I'm not gonna die, or anything. Just like…" Gregor sighs in frustration. "I don't know."
"That is okay. How are things going with Ben and Eli and everyone else?"
"Fine, I guess. Ben and Eli seem to have their own thing going on."
Josephix thinks back to them in the hallway, leaned up against each other like supports. "They do seem to be doing fine." Josephix pauses. "How are things with the queen?"
Josephix isn't sure what reaction he was expecting, but it definitely wasn't Gregor sinking to the floor with a heaving sigh.
"Gregor?"
"It's the same as it's been, I guess. I'm not gonna dump all that teen crap on you-"
"That is essentially my job right now, Gregor." Josephix says with a smile.
Gregor gives him a look, before shaking his head. "Nothing has really changed between us since we were twelve. I don't really see how it would change now. She's gotta find some Underland dude who can be king or whatever and I…" Gregor furrows his brow, mashing his lips together. "And I'm just that guy she kinda liked when she was a kid."
Josephix lets out a slow breath. "Have you talked to her, though? Gregor, you will not get any answers as long as you keep it all inside."
"I'm not gonna humiliate myself."
"She cares for you more than you believe, I think."
Gregor glares up at him, but there's no heat behind it. "Oh yeah? And how do you know that?"
Josephix thinks back to when Luxa had breezed into his office, shoulders tense. How she had snapped at him that he would be assisting Gregor in recovery; her eyes red and glassy.
"...I just have a feeling."
Gregor pulls his legs to his chest, resting his cheek on his knee. "Yeah. Sure. You adults seem sure to know everything that's good for me."
Josephix raises an eyebrow, finally moving over to sit next to Gregor. "Oh? Who else seems to know everything?"
Gregor sends a withering stare his way. "My mom."
"That is just how mothers are, Gregor."
"But she's just...so up in my business. Like, she wanted to take me to some therapist in the city, you know? And. Oh my god, no. I would literally rather do anything than go see someone who would think I was crazy. Or high. I don't know. But there's no way they would ever believe me! Unless I showed them the scars, and, I really don't want to do that."
"That is a valid point. They are something personal to you, and showing them just to be believed is not something that should need to be done."
"Exactly. But it's not like my mom gets that. I'd probably end up talking in some ridiculous metaphor that neither of us understand, and it wouldn't be helpful at all." Gregor takes a breath. "So you're...you're better."
Josephix laughs, leaning back against the wall. "Gregor, I am glad that you feel that you do not need to speak in a metaphor to talk to me."
They fall into a lull, the silence comfortable.
"Hey, Josephix." Gregor starts, "What all do you know about the Interfectores?"
Josephix gives him a curious look. "Why do you ask?"
"Just wondering."
Josephix sighs, looking out to the city. "I know they are sick people, who desperately need help. And that they hurt you in ways no one should have to hurt."
They lapse into silence again.
"Thank you." Gregor finally says.
#
Finding Ripred was turning into more of a chore then Gregor had hoped. All he had wanted to do was talk to him a little bit, and carry on. Instead, he had been hunting around the palace with Eli in tow for what felt like an hour.
"Why is it so hard to find one giant rat in this stupid palace?"
Eli sighs, running a hand through his hair. "What if we just asked someone where he was?"
Gregor glances back to him, looking slightly pained. "I would literally rather search for another day than do that."
"Oh my god."
They round a corner, and Gregor spots Hazard down the hall.
"Hazard!"
Hazard looks up at the sound of his name, and smiles, running towards them. "Gregor! Eli! How are you?"
Eli smiles, giving him a pat on the shoulder. "Fine, how are you?"
"I am good! Oizys and I were talking about going on a trip down the Waterway later this week!"
Gregor blinks. "Who's that?"
Hazard smiles. "Oizys is my bond. She is great."
"Oh. That's nice. I'm glad you found a flier, then."
"Yes! Anyway, what are you guys doing?"
"We're looking for Ripred," Eli says. "Any idea where he is?"
"Oh! I saw him with Ben earlier. I don't know if they're still together, though. They were talking about something-Ripred did not seem happy…"
Great.
"Where were they?"
"Oh. One of the northeastern balconies, I think."
Gregor gives Hazard a smile. "Thanks. Eli, let's go."
"Oh. Uh, yeah."
Eli gives Hazard a quick wave, before him and Gregor set off.
"I feel like we already checked all the balconies." Gregor grumbles. "But then again, there's a million of them here."
Eli nods. "Yeah. There's a lot of them, definitely."
Gregor sighs, stopping to slump against a wall. "I wish I could just like. Give him a little backpack with a tracker in it. Then we wouldn't have to actually look for him."
Eli laughs, rolling his eyes. "Ripred would never let that happen. He'd tear your arm off before you could put a backpack on him."
"Yes, but." Gregor says, "But, it would be funny."
"You're right, but regardless. Let's go."
Gregor grumbles, but continues on with Eli.
They eventually find him. Which is good, because Eli was worried Gregor was about to completely lose it.
"I'm getting a backpack." Gregor says, spotting Ripred on the balcony. "It's gonna be bright pink and have rainbows and unicorns all over it. I will superglue it to his back if I have to."
"Ripred!" Eli calls.
Ripred turns, watching as they approach. "What is it?"
Eli shrugs. "Gregor needed to talk to you. I was just his...hallway buddy."
Gregor gives him a dirty look. "We're not preschoolers."
Eli quirks a smile, laughing. "Whatever, man. I'll wait in the hallway, yeah?"
He gives a wave before walking back into the hallway.
Gregor turns to Ripred, and Ripred flicks his tail slightly.
"What?"
"I'll be going back soon." Gregor says. "I…"
Ripred sits back on his haunches, scratching at his ear. "You…?"
"I won't be able to come back."
The words taste bitter on his tongue, but he knows they're true. That once he leaves, that will be it, so he needs to make this time count.
Ripred pauses, giving Gregor a look.
"Why won't you be able to come back?"
Gregor lets out a breath, running his hand through his hair. "Because. I just...I think that if I leave and come back, I won't be able to leave again. And I can't put my family through that."
"What about the people down here? You'll put them through that?"
Gregor hesitates. "I...I can't have both of them."
"Can't you? You could bring your family down here."
"But…"
Gregor glances out towards the city, something like guilt curling in his gut. He thinks of Boots-and how she still has a lot to learn. How she could go on and forget the Underland, and the horror that came with that. But he thinks of Lizzie, and how she's like him-stuck in that weird space where they could never forget. He thinks how he's really the only one who fits down here, whereas everyone else could thrive in the Overland. He thinks of Luxa-he doesn't want to think about Luxa-who can't leave the Underland.
"I can't." Gregor says. "It wouldn't be fair to everyone. And I can't leave them."
Ripred nods.
"I just...how am I supposed to manage everything?" Gregor asks, leaning against the wall. "I just...it's all so hard, all the time. I don't know what I'm supposed to do once I leave."
Ripred shuffles slightly, tilting his head; considering. "Take what you've learned from Josephix, and keep going with it. Tell him to write down tips and whatnot. Write it in your journal, and keep going with it. Just manage."
"Really?" Gregor asks, smiling slightly. "Not even a 'be okay' or a 'get better'?"
Ripred gives him a flat stare. "Of course not. With you, manage first, and then work towards better. There's no reason to try and leap to better when you can't even handle yourself."
"I guess."
Ripred scoffs. "You guess. You need to start taking action, pup. Are you just going to sit idly by in your own life? You want to get better obviously but don't be passive about it. It's your life that you're trying to take back."
Gregor knew he was right, but he didn't exactly want to admit that. So he settles for silence, crossing his arms tightly across his chest.
Ripred grumbles something Gregor doesn't catch, and gives him a little smack on the shoulder before he walks into the hallway. Gregor watches him go, his tail disappearing around the corner with a flick. Eli pops his head around the corner, raising his eyebrows at Gregor.
"All good?"
He thinks about Luxa and his family and how everything is going to change. How there's people he still needs to talk to-things he has to say.
"All good."