Chapter 19

"Where is she?" That is what Luke Skywalker muttered repeatedly as he wandered through the royal palace. It had been half an hour since he and Tahiri Veila had returned to the palace, whereupon Tahiri had left him to take a walk "for a few minutes." But when those few minutes had turned into several, he had tried to call her using his comlink. He received only static in reply, indicating that her comlink was either turned off or broken. That is when he had become concerned that something may have happened to her.

He had looked out several windows to see if he could spy her outside the palace, but there was no sign of her. Of course, night had fallen, which made it difficult to see anything besides the lights of Gratbür. If he had not been worried about Tahiri, he would have stopped to admire the colorful lights that had been put up for the winter festival. He had then gone up to her room and knocked on her door to see if she had returned without him noticing, but there was no answer. After that, he had begun to search for her throughout the palace, asking anyone he passed if they had seen her and occasionally trying her comlink again.

Finally, he had ended up back at the entrance hall, and no one had seen Tahiri. He pulled out his comlink, pressed the talk button, and said, "Tahiri, if you can hear me, please tell me where you are. You said you were only going to be gone a few minutes and that you wouldn't go far. Well, it's been a lot longer than a few minutes and there's no sign of you anywhere. I'm getting worried." When there was, yet again, no reply, he pocketed the comlink.

"Is Miss Veila missing?" asked a voice. Luke turned around to see Mara Quidden standing under one of the archways. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop."

"It's okay, Mara," he replied. A shiver ran down his spine as he said her name. Even after four days in the palace, he still had not gotten used to calling another woman by his late wife's name. In response to her question, he added, "I hope she isn't missing. But I can't raise her comlink, and no one seems to know where she is." He looked at her expectantly. "You haven't seen her, have you?"

Mara shook her head and responded, "You haven't seen my father, have you? No one seems to know where he is, either."

It was Luke's turn to shake his head. "I'm sorry, I haven't." A thought came to him. What if both the King and Tahiri were in trouble? That would certainly be bad.

"It's probably nothing," Mara said, walking towards him. "He often goes off on his own. I just worry that, at his age, he might fall or forget to come back. I've told him that a hundred times, but he's just too stubborn to listen, particularly when people are worried about him."

Luke nodded, reflecting on his last conversation with his son. "I know the type."

"Were your own parents like that?"

He raised his eyebrows, surprised at that question. "Oh, no, I wasn't talking about them. In fact, I never really knew my parents."

Mara's mouth dropped open in shock at her faux pas. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I'll just leave." With that, she turned around and headed for the door.

"No, no, no, wait!" At Luke's call, Mara paused. "It's fine, really! I'd like to talk more with you if that's okay." He wondered what had made him say that. He could have just let her go and continued his search for Tahiri. So why did he want to talk to her so badly?

Mara turned around and gave a feeble smile. "I'd like that too, Master Skywalker."

"You can call me Luke."

She closed her eyes in self-ridicule and nodded her head. "Of course. Luke." She returned to him and they both sat down in a nearby sofa.

Luke began, "I was actually talking about my son, Ben." He then briefly explained the ordeal Ben Skywalker had gone through on Dromund Kaas and the difficulty Luke was having in trying to help him. Mara did not interrupt him, nor did she react strongly when he mentioned the slave camp. She simply stared at him and nodded her head slowly.

When he had finished speaking, she said, "I wish I knew what to tell you, Luke. You can't force him to listen. I think he needs to decide that on his own. Maybe you just need to give him more time."

Luke shook his head. "No. I'm not going to wait for this to play out. I need to get through to him before he ends up like…" He caught himself before he said something that he was not sure he could trust Mara with.

"Like what?" she asked.

He studied her face, debating whether to confess one of his greatest failures to this woman he barely knew. But there was something about the gentleness of her expression, the softness of her voice, the warmth in her eyes that made Luke feel safe with her. He finished, "Like Jacen, my nephew.

"He was captured and tortured by the Yuuzhan Vong – for a year, actually. When we finally got him back, he wouldn't talk about what happened to him. But he seemed fine, so we eventually stopped asking. We thought he had worked through it on his own. But then, he changed. He became… darker, more aggressive. We tried to talk to him, but it was too late. He had turned to the dark side of the Force and become a Sith Lord, Darth Caedus." At this point, he paused and turned to Mara to see how she reacted.

She stared at him in shock. "I heard of him. When my father was listening to the HoloNet for news of the galaxy, Darth Caedus was mentioned. He's your nephew?"

Luke turned away from her and nodded his head. "Was," he corrected. "He was my nephew. He killed my wife, tortured my son, and…" He stopped himself before he could mention what Caedus did to Tahiri. He did not think Mara, or anyone else on Latru, would take kindly to learning that they had been harboring a murderer. He continued, "All of those terrible things happened because I did not intervene when Jacen needed me to. That's why I need to help Ben before history repeats itself."

For a moment, there was nothing but silence as Luke allowed Mara to digest everything he had told her. Finally, she said, "I can't imagine what it must be like, to have someone you love do such…. Have you said any of this to Ben?"

Luke thought back to some of his conversations with Ben. Had he said any of that to him? And then he remembered. With a frustrated sigh, he answered, "Yes, in fact I told him the last time we talked, right before I came here. But that only made things worse. He got really angry and stormed out of the room, telling me that he was 'done with me.'"

Mara winced. "Sounds like a typical conversation with Ramar."

Luke managed a smirk. "Sounds like a typical conversation with any teenager. Although, I don't think Ramar is as homicidal as Ben has become."

"Well, I wouldn't be surprised if he turned out that way in a few years." At this, Luke turned to Mara and waited for her to explain. She continued, "You've seen the way he acts at meals? Well, he wasn't always like that; he used to be so polite, so shy. But, about a year or two ago, he changed, and it's been getting steadily worse since then. I can only imagine how bad he'll be when he gets older." She began to take deep, shaky breaths, and then she pulled out a handkerchief to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry," she said in a strained voice, as though it took all of her strength to keep herself from crying. "I just feel helpless. I can't handle Ramar, and goodness knows what Meilla's going to be like in a few years. I just don't know how I'm going to survive this. My husband…" She trailed off as she finally began to cry openly.

Luke shifted uncomfortably, unsure of what to do. Part of him wanted to comfort her, but another part of him told him not to. After an internal battle that lasted only a few seconds, he permitted himself to take her hand in his. In response to this, Mara gave a soft gasp of surprise, but she did not pull her hand away. After a second, her crying subsided. Luke asked, "What about your husband?"

Mara took a deep, calming breath before explaining, "My husband, Dimoor, was so great with the children. Ramar, most of all. He was always on my side, always eager to help, always knew what to do. Now that he's gone, I feel like I can't raise them on my own. I feel so… alone." She continued to cry, using her handkerchief to wipe away her tears.

"You're not alone," Luke said, comfortingly. "I'm sure your father would be happy to help any way he can."

Mara shook her head. "I don't want his help." Her voice had developed an edge that Luke thought sounded angry. "He's the reason I'm in this mess."

Luke's mouth opened in surprise. The way her last sentence had been worded, one could be led to believe that Cresta Joisür had murdered his own son-in-law. That can't be what she meant, thought Luke. But then he considered that he knew very little about the King based on their few interactions. Maybe it was possible that Cresta was concealing a darkness within him. Tahiri has been warning me about that ever since we arrived. Could she be right? Rather than jump to conclusions, however, he decided to ask Mara, "What do you mean?"

She explained, "A few years ago, there was a long drought in the southern region of the kingdom. The farmers in that area couldn't grow any food that season, so they had no crops to sell, so they made no money. The other farmers sold more crops to make up for it, so they made more money. My father ordered those farmers to pay a large tax to support the farmers in the southern region for the next year. I warned him that was a bad idea – a lot of people did – but he would not listen.

"That order made a lot of farmers angry. One day, a couple weeks later, my father went out to give a public address. He brought the entire family with him – myself, Dimoor, and my children. We were all on that stage standing right next to him. One of the farmers he had angered tried to shoot him." Mara fixed Luke with a grim stare and added, "But he missed."

Luke returned her angry stare with one of pity. He felt like he should say something, but he was at a loss for words. What could he say to her? I'm so sorry for your loss. Your father didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. No one could have known something like that would happen. Nothing sounded right.

But Mara was not finished yet. In between heaving breaths, she growled, "My children were right there. They could have been killed! But instead, they had to watch their father bleed out in front of them! And it's all my father's fault! He put my children in danger! He made a decision that he knew would make people angry, but he never considered that someone would be angry enough to kill! He should never have gone through with his speech and he should never, ever, have put my family in the line of fire!"

For the next few minutes, they both sat in silence, looking not at each other, but at the opposite wall. Mara had quickly cried herself out and was now stewing in her own rage and grief. Luke could sense it radiating off of her like fire from a burning star. For his part, he was still searching for the right words to say to her. Eventually, he concluded that there was nothing he could say. He decided to continue to sit with her and hold her hand for as long as she needed him to.

Finally, Mara broke the silence. "You must think I'm being unreasonable. I'm blaming the wrong person. All he did was make a difficult decision." She turned to look at him. "Am I right?"

When Luke turned to face her, he noticed that she no longer appeared angry. Rather, it looked like she was feeling guilty about something. He wondered if she regretted blaming her father for her misfortune, voicing her thoughts out loud to Luke, or having an emotional outburst. Probably all three, he figured. There must be something I can say to reassure her. He took a moment to come up with an answer to her question. When he believed he was onto something, he slowly said, "I've been in your father's position. I've made a lot of tough decisions, some of which led to me losing people I love. I think he blames himself more than you do." As an afterthought, he added, "And probably more than he should."

Mara said nothing but nodded her head slowly. She looked into Luke's eyes, compelling him to gaze back into hers. In the depths of those dark orbs, he almost believed he could see the hardship and loss she had endured and the weariness that had come as a result. But, within the darkness, he could see dim spots of light – the faint but ever-present courage to press on for her children. At least, that was how Luke interpreted them. He knew the idea of seeing courage in a person's eyes was too far-fetched, even to those who believed in the Force. Yet, sitting next to Mara, holding her hand, and gazing into her eyes, he felt like he knew her heart and soul.

They sat that way for what seemed like an eternity until they were interrupted by a loud thunk! The front doors of the palace flew open and Tahiri burst in, red-faced and shivering. It took Luke a second to remember that he had been looking for her before his conversation with Mara. Letting go of her hand, he stood to address Tahiri. "Where have you been?" he asked sternly. "Why haven't you been answering your comlink?"

At first, Tahiri simply fixed him with a blank expression. Then her eyes widened, and she responded, "Oh, right. I forgot. I turned it off. Sorry."

Luke held out his hands, palms up. "Okay, why? I've been worried about you. You said you would be back in a few minutes." It was then that he noticed that she was panting heavily. Not only that, but she was also covered head-to-foot in snow. And she appeared frightened, which sent a chill down Luke's spine. Switching to a concerned tone, he asked, "What happened?"

Tahiri said nothing for several seconds, and Luke's dread grew with each one. Her eyes flitted back and forth between him and Mara. Finally, she said, "I need to talk to you. Alone."

Tahiri had run all the way back to the palace, her mind reeling from her confrontation with King Cresta. But rather than contemplate all she had seen and heard, she focused her thoughts on what to do next. She had upset the King greatly, so there was no doubt in her mind that there would be repercussions. They could be as mild as Cresta simply giving her the silent treatment, or as severe as her and Luke being banished from Latru. With that in mind, she decided that she would have to tell Luke about what had happened. She figured it would be better if he heard it from her before Cresta could give his own account. Although she was ashamed to admit her actions to Luke, she had hoped that he would give her credit for confessing and go easy on her.

She could not have been more wrong.

"What were you thinking?" Luke asked sharply as he paced back and forth in front of Tahiri, who was sitting at the foot of her bed. "Following someone into the woods in the dark, alone? You could have gotten lost or hurt! Why didn't you say something to me? Actually, why did you lie to me?"

Unsure if she could say anything to lessen the trouble she was in, Tahiri replied timidly, "I thought that if it was a trap, it would be better if I fell into it instead of you."

That was the wrong thing to say. Luke suddenly stopped pacing and whirled to face her, eyes wide with outrage. "And what good would that have done? I wouldn't have known where you were, much less what had happened to you! How would I have found out about the trap?"

Tahiri's cheeks flushed as she realized that she had not considered that. "I-I'm sorry. I know I was wrong. I was just trying to protect you."

"You're supposed to do that by staying close to me; not by running off into danger!"

"I thought the King was acting suspicious. If you had seen him sneaking off, wouldn't you have followed him, too?"

"No!" Luke exclaimed. "I would have kept a closer eye on him when he got back, but I wouldn't have risked everything by following him. Because, as you found out, there are innocent reasons for him to sneak off. And, as I've told you repeatedly, I don't sense anything wrong!"

That last statement was what finally set her off. Tahiri stood up and shouted, "That doesn't mean something isn't wrong! I keep telling you that, but you won't listen! That's why I went on my own; because I knew you wouldn't take it seriously!"

"I know I could be wrong! But that doesn't mean I'm doing nothing! I'm keeping my senses open for trouble, but I'm not actually looking for it, like you are!"

"Well, if you're not looking for it," Tahiri argued, "maybe you don't realize you've already found it!"

Luke sighed in exasperation and rubbed his temples. "The only trouble I seem to have found is you."

Affronted, Tahiri exclaimed, "Then maybe you shouldn't have brought me here!"

"I never wanted to bring you here! I wanted to come alone, but Leia convinced me that you could help."

Tahiri's anger swiftly died out and was replaced by surprise. "Leia? She told you to bring me here? Why?"

"She thought it would be good for you. She thought that being away from the war would help you take your mind off things. But I didn't tell her about my vision, so she didn't know how dangerous I thought this was going to be. I only told you about it because I wanted you to know what you were getting into, but I should have known that you would—"

"She wanted to get rid of me," Tahiri interrupted.

Confused, Luke asked, "What are you talking about?"

"I had a fight with Han and Leia at the hospital. I told them that they needed to be prepared in case Jaina didn't make it, and they got mad at me. Right after I got back to the temple, you came and asked me to come on this mission." Tahiri shook her head ruefully. "Now I understand why. No one wants me around."

Luke's tone softened considerably as he stammered, "N-Now, that's not true at all."

"You just said it yourself!" she snapped back. "You didn't want me on this mission."

Luke raised his hands in a calming gesture. "I didn't want anyone on this mission. I just said I wanted to come alone."

Tahiri ignored him. "And Leia made you bring me because she wanted to get rid of me."

"No, she wants to help you. We all—"

"Please, just… stop!" She curled her fingers in frustration. She was tired of people taking pity on her. She was tired of people scorning her. She was tired of all the ways people had been treating her since Darth Caedus' death. "I just want to be left alone." She turned away from Luke and placed her hands on the windowsill.

For a few seconds, there was only silence. Then Tahiri heard the sound of receding footsteps and the creak of doors closing as Luke left the room. For the next few minutes, she simply stared through her bedroom window. All that could be seen of Gratbür now were the multicolored lights for the winter festival. They were among the few things left in the galaxy that Tahiri found beautiful. She stared at the lights, imagining the people who had put them up. They were probably having dinner with their families at that moment, talking and laughing and having fun.

That thought made Tahiri turn away in disgust. She could not stand the idea of everyone on the planet being happy while she was miserable. At that moment, she wished that she were back on Coruscant, far away from Latru. But that would not improve her situation. There, she would just be wandering around the Jedi Temple with nothing to do while everyone avoided her. Those who still tolerated her presence would be too busy with the war effort to spend any time with her. And, since she was no longer a Jedi, there would be no battles or special missions for her to take part in; only mundane tasks that gave her no pleasure.

Maybe that's for the best, she thought. After all, what have I really done on this mission, besides screw it up? Follow Master Skywalker around while he asked people questions? He could have done that on his own. He was right; I shouldn't be on this mission. I shouldn't be on any mission.

I'm useless. Completely. Utterly. Useless. All I do is cause trouble. No one wants me around. The galaxy would be better off without me in it. Tahiri soon became aware of what her train of thought was leading to, and the realization made her burst into tears. How could I even think that? What kind of horrible person am I that I would even consider it?

She collapsed face-first onto the bed and sobbed into her pillow. She did not think, did not try to calm herself down, did not try to tell herself that everything would be okay. Because how could it be if things had gotten so bad that killing herself seemed to be her only option? All she could do was wallow in guilt and self-pity until her eyes ran dry.

Tahiri had almost cried herself to sleep when she heard a knock at her door. She ignored it, wanting to be left alone. But then the knock came again, followed by a voice. "Miss Veila?" She stiffened as she recognized the deep voice of King Cresta Joisür. "I know you're in there," he called. "I would like to have a word with you."

Okay, so this chapter went to an unexpectedly dark place at the end. The idea that Tahiri would contemplate suicide came to me late in the writing process, and I debated whether or not to include it. This is a very uncomfortable topic for a lot of people, and I was worried about how it would be received. Ultimately, I decided to go with it to give the impression that Tahiri has hit rock bottom.

Thank you for reading this chapter! If you have an comments or questions, please leave them in your reviews or private messages.