Raoul drags Reyer into storage closet as soon as he sees his friend and business partner. He pulls the string for the light and it shakes, moving back and forth, adding a foreboding feeling and sinister atmosphere.
"I think it's safer here. He cannot hear us, see us." Raoul's voice is low, like he's afraid to be heard. This causes Reyer to have his own panic.
"Raoul, what did you do?" He tries to count to ten, think of his love. He was told by his therapist to count, to think of his love, or even come up with a kind of mantra that only he knows. It could be his old high school address, or an important date, but to repeat, and practice breathing. He is waiting for positive results.
"Remember last night?" Raoul says, keeping his voice just above a whisper. Reyer does indeed remember, this morning he woke up in a bathtub. Raoul was still passed out in the front, he stepped over him as he left.
"Yes. I passed out in the bathroom. Why? Did you want me to help clean up the mess?"
"Yes, but no. You left after you finished the gin and couldn't stay balanced for twister."
He nods, this is also true. Three grown drunk men playing twister surrounded by lots of glass and sharp looking objects, no good. He left while he had some sense of lucidity.
"I remember, I was there."
"So, you left and He and I are were still wanting some kind of entertainment, and He opened this bottle of, I don't even know what it was. I have never tasted anything quite like it. I tried to get Him to tell—"
"Raoul, skip to the chapter, enough of prologue!"
"We started a game of strip twister, but we got too drunk to finish. Then we got serious."
"You are a very sad drunk." Reyer nods.
"We were talking about regrets. He mostly talked about people he wanted to kill. There is this woman He regrets not taking to bed, because He said the ultimate orgasm would have been seeing the life snuffed from her eyes as she was strangled as they both came."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Then He started talking about Meg, and then I just said it."
"Said what?"
"I've never had a meaningful homosexual experience in college."
"What."
Raoul nods.
"What."
Reyer laughs, scoffs, snorts. That is just. What.
"You've always known who you are. I was not sure, and I was told that in college that is when you find out. That is when you really see the world, become an adult, and find out what is real. It all seemed like a magical fairy tale coming true."
"And you wanted to have a sexual experience with another man as tic off the bucket list of life? Slightly offended."
"No, no! Not a tic off a list at all! I have never been with either sex at that point. I did not know what I liked, who I should like, and how to respond or what sexual attraction even was. My family is very much about class, and stiff upper lip, you wear layers, physically and emotionally."
"Ah. I see."
"I thought, how can you know, truly know if you do not experience it all? If you only are with men, how do you know you do not like women? I do not understand all that goes into sexual attraction and I will never claim to. I was just very confused and had no experience."
"You kept to yourself and didn't experiment to see what you liked; I take it? That's the regret?"
"I was a coward and I still haven't had a meaningful relationship with either sex. I am lonely. I want to meet someone, anyone. I don't think I would care about their gender; I don't know if it would matter."
"You can still find out Raoul."
"That's what I'm trying to tell you."
"What?"
"He, uh, well, uh."
"Raoul?"
"We may have copulated." He exhales deeply and hangs his head.
"You fucked a ghost." Reyer needed time to process this. He covers his mouth with his hands. His eyes shine wet, his shoulder shake from badly suppressed laughter.
"Sshh, shhh, keep your voice down!"
"Was it a truly spiritual experience? Ethereal?"
Raoul regrets speaking.
"You know He's not a ghost!"
"Yes, but when I tell the others, I have to keep up the charade and this is too good not to."
"Reyer."
"Raoul takes one for the team spectraly."
"I wanted to confide in my friend."
"What was it like, Mr. No Experience."
"He took the lead, so to speak and I just followed orders."
"Oooh. He gave you orders?"
"This was a mistake."
"I'm sorry, please continue."
"Then when it was over, He left, and I fell asleep."
"And?"
"And I came straight here, and I don't know if I damaged our friendship/work relationship."
"Do you feel differently?"
"Well, you know how touchy and flirtatious He is?"
"I do. He is very handy."
"Funny. What if it takes on a new connotation?"
"Or maybe it's just casual sex for Him and He goes about His business?"
"My other fear is, what if I was so terrible, that He just mocks me?"
"Raoul, there's nothing wrong with not having sexual experience. You were not ready, and it is on your terms when you are. If you want to have more experience, go for it, but do not let someone shame you or pressure you. That is their problem, not yours."
"I—"
"No! Your terms, that not theirs. Anyone who mocks you, can suck a hairy duck."
"What?"
"Suck a hairy duck!" He repeats.
"Thank you, Meri."
"Anytime, my friend."