Hi everyone! A more intimate chapter today, with a little steam at the end (just a little ^^)
Enjoy!
- So, Anna, tell me about this meeting of yours? asked Lady Mary that evening as Anna was dressing her for dinner.
- Oh, well, it was… very emotional, but strengthening.
- Really?
- I listened to all those women telling their stories, and they are all younger than me, and he's done so much wrong to them… Some have lost their jobs, one has lost her fiancé, one has even had a child that she's had to give up to adoption. It made me so angry at Green. Now I feel like I owe them to stand with them. So I've decided to go on with these attorneys.
- Oh Lord, that's awful… Poor girls…
- Yes. I realized how, in my bad luck to meet Green I have still been relatively lucky, to have your support and Mr Bates's. That's not so common.
- Of course you have my support, and you'll have it at the trial.
- Thank you my Lady, she smiled. I know it will be hard to face him, and the judge, the jury and everything but…
- But what? enquired Lady Mary when Anna did not finish her sentence.
- But, when I feel myself wavering in my determination, I think of Lady Sybil.
- Lady Sybil?
- Yes. I remember how passionate she was about women's rights, and I want her to be proud of me. Her memory gives me strength.
- Oh, I understand, said Lady Mary in a pensive voice.
She felt a lump in her throat at the sudden memory of her younger sister.
- Dear Sybil, she went on. She surely would have been passionate over this trial.
x x x x
Later that night, at the cottage, Anna was sitting on the edge of her bed, in her nightgown, lost in her thoughts over the meeting, when John entered the bedroom, coming back from the bathroom. He looked at her, and silently climbed on his side of the bed, then came to sit himself behind her, one leg on each side of her. He gently rested his hands on her shoulders, and whispered in her ear:
- You seem tense, my love.
- I'm alright, she murmured back. Just need a little time to process everything.
He left a few feather-light kisses on the side of her neck, just below her ear, and she sighed contentedly, tilting her head on the side. He shifted his hands from her shoulders to her neck and started slowly massaging her tense muscles. But he soon grew frustrated by the small amount of skin available to his touch, so he went down her front and undid the first buttons of her nightgown. He then moved the cloth a bit downwards so that her shoulders, collarbones and upper back were uncovered. She closed her eyes and relished on his sweet touch, as his hands roamed the area, half-caress, half-massage, regularly punctuated with soft kisses. Without venturing on any more intimate parts of her body, he managed to make this the most sensual moment they had shared in all those months. After a moment, he circled his arms around her waist, and linked his hands on her stomach, his cheek resting on the back of her shoulder.
- I love you Anna, he whispered.
She rested the back of her head on his shoulder, her hands coming to meet his on her belly.
- I love you too John. And I'm sorry.
- Why ever would you be sorry?
- I'm sorry that I can't… you know… give you more.
- Oh, that. There's nothing to be sorry for. I'll wait for you for as long as you need. And if it has to be forever… So be it.
She gasped lightly at his suggestion.
- Oh Lord, I hope not forever. I miss us.
And that was true. Even if she felt intimidated right now, she missed the blissful moments of intense pleasure they had been used to sharing, before.
- Don't worry love. We'll get there. One step at a time. I have faith.
- Thank you for being so patient.
- I don't know how else I could be.
- As my husband, you'd be entitled to ask for your due.
He shivered at the thought that he could force Anna into something she wouldn't be comfortable with.
- That would make me just as bad as him…
- But society would not blame you for it.
- I know I would. What kind of husband would I be if I put my own needs before yours…
A very regular one, thought Anna, disillusioned. She turned her head to kiss his cheek.
- Thank you anyway. You have been my lighthouse in the storm. And you're right, we'll get there. All storms come to their end.
x x x x
The family and their servants had moved to Grantham House for the Season, and the upcoming presentation of Lady Rose to the Queen. That day, Mrs Patmore and her assistants were frantically working on the preparations for the later "at-home" party, and Anna was helping them, when John bent over her shoulder and whispered in her ear:
- Tomorrow, while they're at the Ball, I'm taking you out to dinner.
Anna turned round to face him, beaming:
- Oh, I'd love that, yes!
The lodgings were cramped in Grantham House's servants quarters, but Mrs Hughes had managed to convince Mr Carson to let them share a room. Even though said room was tiny and equipped only with two one-person beds, it was better than having to sleep apart, which Anna had dreaded very much. On their first night there, they had stood silently in front of the two beds for a few seconds, then, without a word being said, they had both begun pushing the side of the beds to join them together.
The next day, after they had seen the Crawleys off to the Ball, they both changed into their finest Sunday outfits, and left Crawley House for the restaurant John had booked. It was not far away from the House, in a nice neighbourhood, cosy enough but not too posh so that they wouldn't feel out of place. They spent a nice time, talking about light subjects like the decorum around the young lady's presentation to the Royals and all those strange upper classes traditions. After the meal, since they still had time before the family was scheduled home, they took a stroll in a nearby park. The day was still bright on this late July evening, and the weather was warm. After enjoying each other's company in silence for a few minutes, John asked:
- Anna? There's something I wanted to discuss with you. But I didn't want to do it in the restaurant, because it's too private.
- What is it? she replied curiously as she looked up to him.
- I…
He hesitated a few seconds, then started again:
- I wish you would tell me, how you feel about… us being together, you know, intimately. What are your fears, what's holding you back. So that maybe, I can help you move forward.
Anna stopped walking, and felt her cheeks redden. Her feelings about that were such a tangled mess, and so contradictory, she didn't even know how to put them in order into comprehensible words, and then how could she utter them out loud to him? As she looked down nervously, John put his hand under her chin and gently lifted it so that they were eye to eye.
- My darling, you have nothing to fear from me. Nothing you confess can make me love you less. I just want to understand what's going on for you.
He took her hand into his, and led her to a nearby bench where they both sat. Anna still looked tense, and she kept twisting her wedding ring around her finger. He let her think for a while, until she took in a deep breath and started in an uneven voice:
- Well, first, I… I'm afraid you'll see me differently now. You know, that somehow it'll show on my body that I'm… stained in some way. No longer pure as I was for you on the day of our wedding. Because… that night, he made me feel so dirty, so ruined. It's so deeply marked inside of me, I can't think that it doesn't show on me.
Her words shattered his heart, and a renewed rage at Green filled him. He circled her shoulders with his arm and took her head in the crook of his neck.
- Anna Bates, please cast that fear away. You are, you have always been and you will always be the world's most beautiful woman in my eyes. You are not stained or ruined or any such thing. Nothing can ever make you less valuable to me. You are the most precious person in my life, before, now and forever. Your soul is the purest, and your body is the shining image of that. If possible you are even more valuable to me now because you are such a strong survivor and I know you will fight your way to justice.
He bent over her to kiss her hair, as she whispered:
- Thank you John.
He felt something wet on his chest, and knew she was crying. He handed her his handkerchief, and she sniffed before saying:
- There's something else. That night, he made me feel so powerless, like I was just… a thing. I felt invaded. Like I was being broken into. I know it is nothing like that when we are together, but I'm afraid of having flashbacks of that feeling.
- I understand… Maybe we could… find some ways to start in which you can control things. We don't need to do the whole thing at once. I don't need to, you know… come inside you right away. You can decide what you want and how you want it. And if it ever becomes uncomfortable or too much to bear, you only need to say it and we'll stop.
Anna lifted her gaze to him and smiled:
- You're the most precious person in my life too. I love you so much.
Her hand crept on the back of his neck and she pulled him into the most intimate kiss that she dared give him in a public place. When their lips parted, she smiled and whispered:
- We should head back or we'll be late.
x x x x
When the family came back from their party, Lord Grantham went straight to bed, whereas Lady Mary kept Anna with chatter over what had happened during the evening. So when Anna came back to their room, John was already in his pyjamas, reading in bed.
- Look at you, chuckled Anna. A creature of leisure.
- His Lordship wasn't in a chatty mood tonight, so we were done rather quickly.
He was getting up from the bed and reaching for his robe, as he said:
- I'll wait outside while you change.
But she grabbed his sleeve as he was passing by her, and led him back to the bed.
- No. Don't.
His eyes widened as he sat on the edge of the bed.
- Are you sure?
- Hush, she said, silencing him with a finger on his lips. Please, don't talk. Let me be in control.
He obliged, and watched intently as she undressed in front of him. When she was down to her shift, she stood in front of him, looked him in the eyes, and started undoing the front buttons. The flame of desire she saw dancing in his eyes made the butterflies in her stomach flutter. She did feel beautiful when he looked at her that way. When her shirt was opened down to her navel, she came nearer and straddled his lap. Her hands on his cheeks, she kissed him as deep as she would have liked to do in the park, but hadn't dared to. Their tongues quickly found each other and he moaned softly in her mouth as his hands settled on her hips. When they parted, she took one of his hands, and, still looking straight at him, she came to put it on her breast. His mouth started exploring the side of her neck and shoulder, while his fingers gently teased her breast. He marvelled at that touch he had missed so much, that sweet breast that filled the inside of his palm so perfectly. She gasped and a little cry escaped her throat when his thumb brushed across her nipple. She remembered now how his touch managed to set her on fire so expertly. Tears welled up in her eyes at the heavenly feeling. She lifted her hands to his cheeks once more, and bent backwards a little as she led his head down to her other breast. He was only too happy to take her other nipple into his lips and lovingly suckle on it. The hand that was not working on her breast settled on the small on her back, holding her close to him. He smiled on her nipple when a tear falling from her face landed on his own cheek. He stopped his work for a second, just enough to whisper in her ear:
- Are you alright love?
- More than alright, she answered in a sigh. Please, keep it up.
He obeyed gladly and showered her breasts with attention for a while longer, until she grabbed his head again and brought him up into another deep kiss. She decided when she wanted to break the contact, and nestled her head on the side of his neck, hugging him fiercely.
- Thank you John, she murmured against his skin.
- You're welcome darling, he replied, stroking her hair. My pleasure, truly.
She smiled, knowing that when the time would come, she would cross the last hurdles. They would get there, together.
Moving on, one little step at a time ;)