Thank you once again for the reviews.This was a difficult chapter to right. I hope I captured Danny's internal turmoil right.

tmtcltb: I'm going to try writing something for Christmas. I'm so looking forward to reading yours and everyone else's!

Chapter 10

Conversation about past and future, Part 2

"Then we bumped into Pablo..."

December 2018

Danny, along with Sasha, Azima and Wolf had been on the go for 3 days since the attack at Mayport, with the help of their informant Marco. They were in a jungle in southern Panama, edging towards the resistance Marco mentioned.

They have still not heard from command.

And more importantly, no word about the James surviving the attack.

As his confidence of the James survival waned, his fear grew.

His mind keeps conjuring up images of Kara's broken body among the wreckage of the James.

His mind was a whirl of thoughts and emotions. He tried desperately to ignore the growing fear that he wouldn't ever be able to look into Kara's beautiful hazel eyes again.

He had to keep a clear head, focus on the mission at hand in order to survive.

Then he'd do everything in his power to make it right with her.

'God, please let me have that chance...'

Marco looked at a hidden marker on a tree on the left. "We are close..."

Snap.

On high alert, they raised their assault rifles and went into defensive positions.

Scant seconds later, they were surrounded.

And then the leader appeared - Armando Maza.

The Venezuelan guerrilla that would burn people alive.

There was a minute of tense stand-off as Maza took Marco hostage.

But then, out of nowhere, there was Pablo.

"Danny Green?"

"... Pablo?" Recognition and surprise rang in that single word.

"No freankin' way!"

After Pablo assured Maza the 'gringos' were friendlies, they made it to the camp.

And so he had time to catch up with an old comrade, one he didn't think was alive.

"I can't believe you're still in the game...", Pablo said.

"What's so hard to understand, huh? You of all people can relate."

"Yeah, me. I got nothing else to live for but to fight. But you, you got a wife, a kid. If I had your life I sure as shit wouldn't be doing this anymore."

The thrill of seeing Pablo alive and kicking deflated some. He knew the reality was not as idyllic as what Pablo and others imagine, but he screwed up with Kara and Frankie.

Now he wasn't even sure if Kara would even be there for him to make it right.

'God, please let her be okay.' He promised himself he'd move heaven and earth to make it right if he could just see her.

"You're right, so you better get my ass out alive so I can retire."

They cackled at the half-joke but Pablo could see Danny had come to a decision.

First they had to get intel and get the hell out.

As he entered the tent to let Sasha know they had plans for extraction though, the rebel camp was blasted by an explosion, and with it the chance to make it right with Kara as soon as he got home.

He ran to free Pablo from under the jeep, then moving as fast as he could with Pablo crippled.

Then in a blur they were captured and forced to kneel in front of a colonel from this terrorist group. No matter how many times they call themselves the 'resistance'.

Even when they started killing the rebels, Danny didn't think they would dare kill him and Pablo. Not when they could be so much better as bargaining chips.

And they wouldn't dare.

But when the barrel of the gun was trained on Pablo's head, Danny saw the glee in the colonel's eyes and realised how wrong he was.

He stumbled forward. Trying to get Pablo out of firing range, trying to get them free.

But it was way too late.

He watched helplessly as his friend was shot point-blank. And all he could see was red.

All the anger, grief and terror really set in then.

He knew he would be next. The first thought to through his mind: Kara and Frankie. He'd never get the chance to see them, hold them again. Never get to make it right.

Moreover, it was also dawning on him, if they are reckless enough to kill them... could they really have pulled off sinking the fleet, including the James?

He could feel his breath coming out hard and fast.

This was it...

A shot rang, sounding like an explosion in his mind and he waited for that expanding pain. Instead, the soldiers were scattering like deers and there was Sasha and Kandie

He was alive.

Back in the present

Kara reached to touch his arm, trying to comfort him. She had heard about Pablo through the guys.

"Seeing him gave me hope. And I promised myself as soon as I got back I would do anything to make it right with you and Frankie. I couldn't even contemplate that you went down with the James. But then it all went south."

Kara could see his face contorting and his entire body tremoring.

"From the moment they killed Pablo, I finally realised the gravity of the situation. I lost all hope that you might be alive. All I saw was red. I was thirsty for their blood, for them to suffer for what they have done..."

"In all the years I've never let loose that anger in me. Not even in Baltimore... Because we live by a code... but when Colonel Perez was gloating about killing Pablo when we held him captive... I wanted to kill him... it was personal. Torture has never been my thing so it stunned Sasha when I plunged my knife into his hand... but what I actually wanted to do was feel it pierce his black heart..."

All she could do was hold him. They all have that darkness in them. They have to have it and control it for their jobs. The reality of their job is the likelihood of killing others to defend self and others. But not to inflict suffering while doing it. That is very dangerous territory, but difficult to avoid with the kind of conflict they seem to keep facing since the Red Flu.

She is beginning to get why he didn't want to come home.

"I felt on edge. Reckless. I didn't care if I got out of it alive as long as the team did."

Tears streamed down Kara's cheeks

She knew going into EMCON immediately after the attack would mean he would assume she was dead.

Part of her wondered if he even cared when he heard the news.

But now she recognises how wrong she was.

It wasn't that he didn't care. He cared too much to even contemplate the possibility. And Pablo's death not only meant the loss of a dear friend, but also broke the tenuous hope he so desperately held onto.

The words and emotions are tumbling out now that he's started this avalanche.

"Whereas before I was just restless, from that point I was on edge, hypervigilant. When we got back, even though I was so relieved and grateful you were alive... I couldn't come home like that. Not when the mission was far from over."

They were now embracing, Kara trying use her presence to give Danny comfort and strength. Her support.

She can see now he couldn't come home then. He needed to protect them in the only way he knew how.

"You were worried you'd hurt us, and that you might not come back."

Danny nodded, spent after releasing all the pent-up emotions.

"I had to finish the mission then I can concentrate on us. So you see, I have thought this over. I had already decided to get out, but I just had to make it safe for us first."

She looked up from their hug into his haunted blue eyes. "I'm not doubting your resolve to get out, but what's troubling you isn't going to go away because you're no longer out on the frontlines. And what would you do as a civilian? You can't train personnel forever without being out there to keep current."

"I have a few ideas, but nothing concrete yet. When I went active again, the stipulation was that I can get out at any time. My goal was always to get out."

She took a deep breath, not knowing how he'll take her suggestion. "For the short term they will be okay with you doing training. So why don't you use this time to think about what will make you happy when you're out. The nightmares are not going to go away by themselves. Maybe talking to someone will help with both of these... Dr. Pinker has been talking with Miller and it seems to help."

Danny internally cringed at the idea of talking to some stranger about anything private, but he had seen the great strides Miller had made since losing his legs. And Kara was right. He didn't have a plan for being a civilian. She's probably right to worry on that front.

"OK. I'll take this slow and give it some thought."

Not an outright positive response, but certainly not a refusal.