Guys... I'm soo sorry! I have no excuse- life happens, all that. But I'm back! And we're moving forward BIG TIME! Big stuff is kicking off here and I'm so excited to see what you think! As always, thank you thank you thank you for your constant love and support.

IX. Lot

Perhaps it was the dreamlike giddiness that had settled in her chest that kept her up that night. The way that the air of her bedroom seemed easier to breathe than ever before, the undeniable sensation of her lungs taking in more air than ever before, washing through her like water along a smooth rock in a stream. Or, perhaps it was the unpleasant thought of that river drowning her that kept her awake. A smooth rock keeping her beneath the surface as the water roared around her, holding her captive in her own guilt.

When she woke the next morning, that same conflicting sensation was pulsating through every vein and artery, spreading to even the tips of her fingers and the bottoms of her feet. A strange, yellow light was breaking across the horizon when she stepped outside, a cool drizzle meeting her youthful face. She shut her eyes for a moment and inhaled until it felt like her lungs would burst.

And then there he was.

Standing at the apron of her dirt driveway, a glow radiating about him like the heat that he seemed to emit. He smiled.

Nina found it hard to swallow.

With one more tug on her front door, she was hurrying down the steps and meeting him as he crossed the threshold, pushing back at his abdomen as she began to lead them away from the trailer. He didn't argue, though she was sure of the raised eyebrow peering down at her.

"Someone's in a rush," he laughed airily.

Nina cocked her head slightly, a nervous sound escaping past her lips.

"Do you…" Jared paused for a moment. She peered up at him curiously as he continued. "Do you not like your place?"

She sat on the thought for a moment, the feeling of his eyes never breaking on her face. She had imagined the question may rise the closer they got to one another- though she had never actually envisioned them getting to that point.

"I hate it," a shoulder came up casually as she spoke, the truth seeming miraculously easy to say.

Beside her, Jared stopped.

She followed suit uncomfortably, sighing.

"What?"

She pursed her lips up at him, squinting an eye. She found it hard to concentrate on what she was assuming Jared would turn into a serious conversation when her eyes fixated on a drop of water rolling down his cheekbone.

"It's not," she shook her head, beginning to walk again, "it's not a big deal," she chuckled nervously.

A scorching hand caught hers just as quickly as she had began, and a comforting set of brown eyes bore into hers.

"It kinda sounds it," his gaze was unwavering.

She shrugged once more, flexing her fingers within Jared's grasp. His hold softened, and his fingers worked their way through hers.

"We're gonna talk about this," his mouth twitched as he spoke.

"Okay," she responded with exasperation, taking another step in the direction of Emily's house, "another time."

With a cheeky smile over her shoulder as she tugged at his hand, they continued their trip.

Emily met her on the front porch with open arms, the aroma of bacon wafting towards them from the open door. She led them into the house, already chattering excitedly about her plans for them that day.

"Feel free to say no if I'm going over the top on any of this," Emily spoke breezily, her calmness refreshing by comparison to the strain of her and Jared's walk over, "but I just felt like we could make up for a lot of lost time today."

Emily landed at the counter, leaning against it casually, kind eyes twinkling across at Nina. The younger girl grinned and nodded along, remaining her position opposite of Emily as Jared rested beside her. She tried her best to ignore the goosebumps as his thumb found her forearm with curiosity.

"Jared said we're gonna make some baskets?"

Nina plucked a piece of bacon from the plate beside her, raising an eyebrow as she took a bite.

Emily nodded with a smile, casting her eyes towards the living room. Nina's eyes followed, taking immediate notice of the way the furniture had been pushed back, leaving a rectangular area of open rug. The bite of bacon in Nina's throat seemed harder to swallow than those before. She sucked her lips in and nodded, turning her head and attention back to Jared.

"Will you be joining us too?"

A corner of her lip twisted upwards.

Jared's eyes narrowed playfully as he leaned his face down towards her, jerking his head back and forth until their noses were nearly touching. Nina allowed her eyes to cross in order to maintain their eye-contact, resisting the urge to smile at him.

"I've got manly man stuff to do today," Jared smirked, returning to his original stance, crossing brooding arms over his chest.

Nina rolled her eyes, shaking her head, "could you sound like any bigger of a jerk?" She laughed, shoving at him- still to no avail, "it's like I'm talking to Paul."

A look of mock-insult flashed across Jared's face, a hand- still seeming unnaturally large in Nina's eyes- flew to his chest.

"Paul?"

"Yeah," Nina chuckled, biting into another piece of bacon, "maybe even worse." She raised her eyebrows as she moved her eyes back to Emily, already aware of the face Jared was sure to be making at her profile.

Emily was smiling at them when Nina met her eyes, and she couldn't help but notice, and appreciate, the genuine happiness she felt in their company.

"I'm no expert," Emily began, a slight twinkle shining in her eyes as a thought struck her, "-well, maybe I am," she smiled to herself, "but I'm going to go out on a limb and say Sam will be expecting you any moment now."

With a sigh and a wink down at Nina, Jared nodded and ran a hand through the top of his hair.

"You're probably right," he grumbled towards Emily, though his eyes seemed to be permanently fixated on the brunette standing before him, blue eyes meeting his own with lightheartedness. At some point, she had crossed her own arms over her chest.

"You go on," Nina chuckled, wrinkling her nose, "go off and do all of your big boy stuff," she untucked a hand to wave it in the direction of the door.

With reflexes at a speed she had only seen among him and Paul, Jared's hand clasped around hers, and in just a moment, he had effortlessly pulled her against his chest. She allowed herself to laugh despite her curiosity, and she felt the rumble of his chest as he followed suit, bringing his other arm around her and successfully pinning her to him.

"Try not to miss me too much," he mumbled arrogantly against her hair, a chuckle slipping out with his words.

"Oh my God," she groaned, giggling and making an attempt at shoving away from him, though it proved to only make him hold her tighter. She could feel his mouth curve upwards as he laughed in her hair.

After just another moment, he released her, shining a brilliant smile as he squeezed at her elbow.

"I'll see you later," his smile was contagious as he backed towards the door, and Nina held his stare until he had slipped through it, feeling an uncomfortable blush creep inwards once he was gone. With one deep inhale to compose herself, Nina turned to face Emily once more and smiled, the red of her face deepening beneath the older girl's knowing glance.

Emily merely returned the smile and began towards the living room, and Nina followed behind her with gratitude.

"See!" Emily encouraged, smiling as she leaned towards Nina, "you're getting it."

The younger girl breathed sharply out of her nose, her lips twisting rather sourly as she shook her head, "I don't think so," she grumbled. Her finger slipped on the cedar bark in her grasp, and she watched in distaste as a thin sliver pierced her fingertip.

The other half of Emily's face fell to match the scarred side, and she rested her hands with defeat into her lap, nodding shortly, "maybe not- but it'll come!" She raised her shoulders as she corrected herself, leaning towards her once more.

Nina watched as Emily searched for something good among the carnage of cedar bark in her lap, her own face growing disgruntled. Her eyes flickered back to her fingertip, the near-microscopic tip of wood staring back at her. She rolled her eyes.

It had been around three-hours that they had been working on the baskets, almost four since she had arrived. Emily had created a tight and sturdy base and had even began the walls of her basket, though Nina had barely woven together a patch. She found herself glaring at the bark more often than actually working with it.

"Let's get you some tweezers…" Emily spoke wistfully, setting down her work and brushing off her lap as she stood, "I think there's some in the bathroom."

As the older girl worked her way down the hallway, Nina shoved at her own materials and stood, wandering back to the countertop. She stared back down at the sliver in her finger and sucked in the side of her cheek with displeasure.

It was just moments later when the front door opened and the thought of her fingertip washed away with Jared's smile. His hair was matted down on his forehead from the rain, and his black shirt was slicked against his abdomen- she admired it for only a moment before her eyes found his face once more and a smile overtook her features.

He closed the distance between them quickly, his smile seeming to reach an unprecedented shine, and Nina was simply awestruck by the thought of seeing her deserving such a response. Something in her chest fluttered as his hands came to cup her elbows, his face glowing down at her.

"Miss me?" he smirked, cocking his head.

Her eyes rolled almost instinctively, and his laughter of a response shook her from where he held her. His eyes seemed to scan over her, landed on a hand resting on the countertop.

"What's that?" He raised an eyebrow.

Nina looked to where his attention was focused, and she inwardly sneered at the reminder of the nuisance of a sliver.

"Unfortunately, I'm no master basket-weaver," she chuckled darkly, her eyes flickering back to his face. She raised an eyebrow at the way he seemed fixated on the small slice of wood, his lips pursed slightly to one side.

Slowly, a large hand of his grasped hers, lifting it to his face, his eyes narrowing in on the sliver with determination.

"What're you…" her words were lost as Jared brought his other hand up, his thumb and forefinger pinching together, his eyes scrutinizing their work as he carefully plucked the wood from her fingertip.

The silence of the house around them was deafening, and Nina vaguely wondered why Emily had taken so long, though she had a hunch she did know the reason.

"There," Jared smiled proudly, a familiar childlike glow emitting from his tanned skin. Typically, Nina would've chuckled at his expense, finding amusement in his occasional strange behavior. Instead, she stood rather still in fascination, her mind racing and swirling with thoughts and emotions. Her throat grew dry.

And as if intentionally adding to the clouds in her head and the roaring in her chest, Jared lifted her finger- sliver free as a result of his care- and pressed his lips firmly against its tip.

Heat tickled up the length of her hand and forearm, settling harshly in her stomach. Her lips twisted into a grin as he looked back to meet her eyes, carefully setting her hand back on the counter.

"Thanks," Nina finally spoke, her voice coming out softer than she had planned.

Jared's face was warmer than she could ever remember it being, and the intensity of his eyes were hypnotizing, the thought of such a look reserved just for her proving to be rather intoxicating. Caught up in the mere excitement of the moment around her, she missed the way that the space between them seemed to be narrowing, his heat growing more intense.

And then the door flew open once more, and Paul's heavy feet and roaring voice jostled the entire house, and then Nina's phone was vibrating harshly against the countertop, and Nina was trying to discreetly suck in as much air as possible in an attempt to make up for all that she had been holding in in those moments just prior.

"Really, Paul?" Jared groaned, his voice seeming far away as Nina grabbed her phone and looked at the name flashing on the screen.

Kimmy

Her heart was suddenly in her throat, the gravity of her behavior nearly knocking her to the floor. She struggled to swallow as she flipped open the phone and pressed it against her ear, sparing no glance over her shoulder as she made her way to the opposite side of the room.

"Hey, you," she choked out the words, her eyes focussing on a raindrop on the window.

"Hey!" Kim spoke pleasantly, the trust in her voice forcing Nina's eyes shut for just a moment. "I didn't hear from you, how did last night go? I'm so jealous," she giggled quietly.

Nina grew vaguely aware of a hush falling over the room behind her.

"It, uh," Nina sucked her lips in, thoughts of her and Jared on the beach clouding her thoughts, "it was fine."

She inhaled deeply and finally cast a look over her shoulder, her eyes meeting Jared's almost instantaneously. He was much closer behind her than he had been originally.

"A little weird," she shrugged a shoulder, returning her gaze to the windowpane.

"Oh, stop," Kim breathed, "I would kill to have been there!"

"Yeah," Nina chuckled nervously, "I know."

"Are you alright?"

The tone of Kim's voice had changed, and Nina could practically see her on the other end, drawing a nervous finger between her teeth, eyebrows creasing slightly. Nina tipped her head back and closed her eyes, pure guilt flooding her every sense- much like the Jared-induced elation seemed to do.

"Yeah no, I'm good, just-"

"I know it's probably rough spending a whole weekend at home… and his anniversary is coming up too, right?"

"Yeah… yeah, it is."

"I think we're going to leave early tomorrow, why don't you come over then, and we'll plan something to do on his day. Sound good?"

"It sounds perfect, Kimmy. I'm gonna go, I'll see you tomorrow."

She flipped the phone shut before Kim could respond, and she struggled to open her eyes and face the room around her. She knew, somehow, that Jared- if not Paul, too- had heard everything Kim had said.

In just those moments that she took to open her eyes and re-enter Emily's small house, she felt the weight of the last month drop onto her, guilt washing over her like the ocean itself at high-tide.

She had gone too far.

When she finally turned to meet Jared's eyes, it was as if he was feeling that same weight as she was. His shoulders were strangely slumped, and his face was turned downwards, his eyes lacking their usual shine. He pursed his lips.

"I think I'm gonna head home," Nina began speaking rather quickly, shoving a hand through her hair as she found Emily in the kitchen doorway, her face- too- troubled. "Thank you so much for today, Em, I don't really think basket-weaving is for me."

Rather than speaking, Emily nodded with a sad grimace, as if she somehow knew just how horrible of a friend Nina had been since knowing her. The thought of Emily being ashamed of her hurt more than she would've liked to admit.

"Leaving so soon?" Paul raised an eyebrow, any remnants of playfulness gone.

Nina nodded wordlessly, still moving towards the door. She was unsure of why she had assumed Jared wouldn't follow behind him, and she was less than surprised when he followed her out the door and placed himself in front of her on the porch.

"Nina, what're you- why are you leaving?" His face was more serious than she could ever remember seeing it, and she was surprised at the way it pinched her chest, her frown deepening.

"You… I know you heard Kim- I don't know how," she held up a finger, her mind wandering for a moment, "but I know you did. You know how good of a friend she is- she's my best friend, she's the best friend, and I… I'm so not." She shook her head, dropping her eyes to her shoes. She wiggled to adjust one, having carelessly kicked it on in her rush.

"Kim doesn't have anything to do with this, Nina, with-" Jared gestured between the two of them, the gesture itself stirring something in her chest, "with us."

"Kim has everything to do with this, don't you get it?"

She was shocked by her anger towards him, and the confusion on his face made it worse. How could boys be so painfully oblivious?

"If this is about her little crush, I know, but it's not-"

"Little crush?" Her eyebrows shut up, her mouth opening and curling at a corner, "the fact that you think it's just a little crush is half the problem here." She swallowed hard and began towards the steps, "And the other half of the problem is me," she pursed her lips, carrying on.

With the sound of a creak from behind her, she turned back around, ignoring the rain as it poured down onto her exposed body.

"Don't follow me," she shook her head sadly, finding it hard to meet Jared's eyes as they stared down at her. He was sad. And that made her even more sad. She sighed and turned back around, quickly making her way up Emily's driveway.

If he followed, which she had no doubt that he did somehow, she didn't know it.

Despite how happy she had been under an hour prior, Nina couldn't remember feeling so low in a long time. As she laid on her bed, locked in her room, she was reminded of a feeling of hopelessness that had been- thankfully- foreign since her father's death.

Each moment spent with Jared, each breathtakingly spectacular moment spent with Jared had been a mistake, and she hadn't stopped it when she could- and should- have. Jared was the guy of Kim's dreams, and going as far as she had was simply wrong. While in the beginning her intentions were pure, the butterflies that had developed in her stomach and chest over time should've been the first, and last, indication that she had gone too far and needed to stop.

Kim deserved better from her.

She deserved better.

Kim had been the first, and only, person who had taken the time to get past her iciness and find something worth sticking around for- she opened her home, offered her family, and had been nothing but purely loyal. And in doing that, she too had opened up her heart in its rawest and most innocent love of Jared.

And for some twisted reason, the very thought of not spending another day laughing and exploring with Jared seemed just as awful as hurting Kim.

She sat up abruptly, her head spinning for the slightest of moments from her haste, her eyebrows creasing as the reality of that thought hit her.

Hurting Kim, sweet, good Kim seemed like the worst possible thing she could do- the most evil and wrong thing she could do. And Nina knew that seeing Jared any longer would surely cause just that. But the idea of not seeing him any longer somehow seemed just as wrong.

She groaned loudly, burying her fists in her eye sockets and dropping back onto her back. She laid there, allowing each and every deserving emotion to be felt, ignoring the rain streaking down the windows and pounding on the tin roof, ignoring the sense of being watched from the treeline- a sensation seeming too bizarre to even entertain.

Out of pure selfishness, she allowed herself to indulge in the memories of her favorite moments with Jared, promising herself if she could just get her fill, she'd pretend it had never happened, none of it. She promised herself- promised Kim- that she'd forget the way his heat warmed a part of her she hadn't even been aware of being chilled; she'd forget the way his eyes and nose crinkled when he teased her, almost always resulting in him pressing his nose against her own; she'd forget the glow of his presence and the twinkle in his eyes at her, specifically for her, because she didn't deserve it- not the way Kim did.

Kim deserved someone to shine for her, and she certainly deserved a best friend who didn't get in the way of it. And so that's what she would be.

Trapped in her own thoughts, she drifted off to sleep.

Nina woke up early the following, the rain still charging onwards, fog creeping into her backyard from the edges of the forest. For a long time, she laid on her side, peering into the trees with tired eyes. She swore she saw movement occasionally, wiping at her eyes clumsily and squinting them shut. Her head hurt. And while she hadn't shed a single tear, she felt that same cloud forming behind her eyes.

She showered and took her time brushing through her hair afterwards, raking her mind for something to occupy herself with until Kim returned that evening. And then came the question… did she tell Kim of her wrongdoings? Did she take the chance of losing the very person she needed most in an attempt to clear her conscience? Did she selfishly hurt the very kindest human simply to make herself feel better? She shook her head- she couldn't.

By the time that Kim had returned home that day, Nina had decided against telling her anything. She had spent the day catching up on homework and staring at the map of her intended travels. Just weeks prior, the thought had seemed so exhilarating, yet she struggled to feel any excitement towards it that day.

As she slung her duffle bag over her shoulder and entered the main area of her house, her eyes settled onto her mother's form hunched over something from her seat on the couch. Nina raised an eyebrow and approached her quietly from behind, craning her neck to peer over her shoulder.

Gripped in her mother's leathery hands was a photograph from Nina's childhood, taken on First Beach. It had been an unusually sunny, summer day. She sat atop her father's strong shoulders, her pudgy face lit up in delight. Beside him was her mother, her arms wrapped around one of his. She, too, was smiling, and it was a sight most unusual for Nina.

She stood and stared at the picture long before her mother noticed her presence. By the time that she had, Nina was wordlessly moving towards the kitchen, dropping an English muffin into the toaster and retrieving peanut butter from the cabinet.

When she completed the making of the sticky sandwich of sorts, she silently placed it on the coffee table in front of her mother and slipped out the front door.

Kim was out the front door and barrelling down the steps to Nina when she arrived, wrapping her in a hug, squealing slightly. Dropping her bag off her shoulder, Nina returned the hug, simply savoring the moment for what it was. Kim hugged her just a tad tighter.

She was going to be better.

"Come on, Mom's already started supper," Kim released her, an airy smile overtaking her large face as she grabbed Nina's bag from the ground, beginning back up the steps.

Nina followed behind, forcing a smile as she entered their house.

She was harshly struck by the way she didn't feel better as she was engulfed with the typical warmth and light that Kim's house emitted. Annie, Kim's mother, brought her to her own chest with the same love that Kim had, and Nina once again found herself struggling to intake as much air as she should've, forcing herself to swallow rather hastily.

Their family filled her in on their trip over dinner, continuously reminding her of how much they wished she had joined them. She smiled politely and ate her food, ignoring her sudden distaste for it and simmering in her own self-loathing as the evening carried on. By the time Annie began the dishes, Nina found it nearly impossible to stand herself.

"I'm gonna head out on a quick walk…" she muttered, standing from her seat beside Kim on the couch.

Kim raised a curious eyebrow, "oh, okay," she nodded, her eyebrows furrowing, "want me to come with?"

Nina shook her head, "no, no, I just need to take a breather," she meekly shrugged.

Kim nodded once more without further question, though Nina felt her eyes heavy on her back as she escorted herself out. She shivered against the early-November wind but didn't zip up her jacket- she deserved to be cold.

Predictably, she found herself back at First Beach, her toes ground deep into the cool sand, her chin held high as she stared into the waves, the moon looking down on her with judgement. She was somewhat aware of the feeling of being watched once more, but she made no motion to do anything about it.