Please Hold
Qui-Gon tries to get a hold of a particular toy for his apprentice.
Originally posted in 2008 - who knows what I or anyone helping me with this was thinking at the time, but it was in the very beginnings of Yappy Obi before and it shows. LOL!
R = Recording
C = Customer Rep
(Obi-Wan Kenobi stood and stared at his master, his pleading eyes boring into Qui-Gon's soul.)
Obi: Please, Master? That is the only thing I want for the Winter Festival. I don't want anything else. Everyone is gonna have one except for me. Masterrrr?
Qui: Okay, Obi-Wan, just stop the begging. I will get you a Chobi doll for the holiday. I don't know why this doll is such a big deal.
Obi: First of all, Master, it is not a doll. It is an action figure. A Chobi action figure. It is NOT a doll. I would not be caught dead with a doll. Action figure.
Qui: Whatever it is…what is it?
Obi: It is the greatest toy. It's the body of a chicken and the head of a padawan. Comes with a braid too. But, that's not all. You can buy interchangeable heads for it. I could put your head on it, or Master Yoda's or even the head of a Hutt. They are all sold separately of course.
Qui: Of course. So we masters can spend every last credit we have on this holiday. It's all become way to commercialized for me. But, I will try and find this doll for you.
Obi: There is no try, Master. Do, or do not. And it is NOT a doll.
—-
(Qui-Gon located the communications channel that was being used to order the Chobi Dolls, and proceeded to punch it up. The first thing he heard was a recorded woman's voice.)
R: Thank you for calling Chobi Incorporated. Your call is very important to us. All of our customer representatives are currently busy, please hold and your call will be answered in turn.
Qui: Great. They put me on hold. And with this crappy turbo lift music too. Come on…hurry up.
(Obi-Wan wandered into the room.)
Obi: Master did you get me a Chobi yet?
Qui: I'm on hold right now. So don't bother me. (He was interrupted by the recorded voice again.)
R: We appreciate you continuing to hold. Please be aware that your call is important to us and that someone will be with you shortly.
Qui: Your call is important to us…yeah…you say that to everyone.
Obi: Are you talking to someone now, Master?
Qui: No, it's just a recording.
Obi: Oh…okay. Why are you talking to a recording? Does it talk back?
Qui: Obi-Wan, if you want this doll, let me handle this.
Obi: Please don't call it a doll. I cannot have my friends thinking that I play with dolls.
Qui: Sorry…action figure. There. Better?
Obi: Yes. Thank you. Did they answer yet? (An evil glare from Jinn succeeded in shutting the boy up…for now.)
R: We apologize for your inconvenience while you continue to hold. Due to overwhelming demand, our customer representatives are working to handle a high volume of calls at this time. Please hold and your call will be answered in turn.
Qui: Please hold, please hold…my call is very important. Don't lie to me. You just want my money.
Obi: They must be busy.
Qui: Very busy, so they say. The least they could do is play some decent music. Listen to this crap…
Obi: HA! That's horrible. Sounds like what Master Windu listens too. You'd think they could put some words to this stuff.
Qui: Maybe I should disconnect and call back.
Obi: NO! No, don't do that. If you do, you'll be put in the back of the line. Just hold on, please? Don't make me beg, because I will.
Qui: Please don't beg. It's so degrading and so unbecoming a Jedi. I will hold.
Obi: Thank you.
(30 minutes passed and Qui-Gon was still on hold - impatiently so.)
R: Your call is very important to us, please hold and we will be with you in turn.
Qui: I'm gonna turn you if you don't give me a LIVE person. ANSWER THE DAMN CALL!
Obi: Um…Master? The veins in your neck are popping out. You need to relax. It's not good to get all stressed about this, it's bad for your heart.
Qui: Obi-Wan, do you want this doll or not?
Obi: Action figure…and yes, I do.
Qui: Whatever the hell it is. If you want this THING, then zip it. I don't need your commentary on the whole situation. It's bad enough that I have been stuck on hold for…(he glanced at the chrono on the wall)…for…45 MINUTES? This is not the way to do business people! I could go to whatever planet these things are manufactured and make the doll myself by the time it takes for me to get through to you.
Obi: Master look. In this holo-catalog, it shows all the accessories that come with it. You can get these interchangeable heads. Hutts, Jedi, Royal Guards, Ewoks, Dewbacks, Sith Trolls and you can get wings for it, and decals. I can put racing stripes on my Chobi action figure.
Qui: Racing stripes on a doll…I mean…on an action figure?
Obi: This is great. They are brown and green. Or, I can get a robi for my Chobi. They have brown, black and yellow?
Qui: Yellow?
R: Thank you for holding. You are the next call.
Qui: Thank the Force. I wonder how long next is.
Obi: I think I want the brown robe, the racing stripes and the Sith Troll head, okay Master?
Qui: Remind me once I get through to an actual being.
(Finally, a customer representative came on the comm.)
C: Thank you for holding, how may I be of assistance?
Qui: Oh good, a real person. I would like to place an order.
C: Can I have your first item number please?
Qui: Um…Obi-Wan, let me see that holo-catalog. Okay…item number is 12345.
C: Ah yes, the Chobi doll. That comes with a padawan head and braid. The cost is 100 credits.
(Qui-Gon's eyes bugged out and he started to cancel the order, then saw the boy's hopeful eyes pleading with him.)
Qui: That's fine.
C: Your next item number?
Qui: 54321.
C: Okay, that is the Sith Troll head. 10 credits. Next item?
Qui: 789.
C: One Chobi Robi. What color?
Qui: Brown.
C: Okay…oh, I am sorry sir, the only color we have left is yellow.
Qui: Yellow? Who designed this thing? Give me just a second. (He turned to his apprentice.) Obi-Wan, the only color robe they have left is yellow.
Obi: Ewwwwwww, yellow is so nasty. But he does need a robe. I can't have a half-naked Chobi roaming our quarters now, can I?
Qui: No, I suppose not. Hello? I will take one of the yellow robes. And that is everything.
C: Thank you sir. Your merchandise total is 130 credits, transport an handling costs are 20 credits, so your total is…
Qui: 20 credits? For transport? And when will this thing arrive for that many credits?
C: 4 to 6 weeks. We do offer 2 day guaranteed delivery for an additional 50 credits.
Qui: For that much you ought to be able to send it through this communicator as we speak. Uh…standard delivery is fine.
C: Very good sir. Your total is 150 credits. Will you be using your Gold Jedi Viser card sir?
Qui: Yes.
C: Card number please.
Qui: 555 777 999.
C: Please hold while I process this purchase.
Qui: Oh good, more music.
Obi: Master? Did you get it yet? When will I get the Chobi? Can I…
Qui: I don't want to hear it, Obi-Wan. This is a gift. You cannot have it until the holiday.
Obi: I know…but…
C: Sir?
Qui: Yes.
C: Your card is not valid, it is not an active account. Do you have another way in which you would like to pay?
Qui: What? Are you kidding me? I know this is a good card, can't you run it through your computer one more time? Never mind. I thought…damn…Obi-Wan? Run next door and see if Master Jayco will let you borrow his card please.
(Obi-Wan came back a few minutes later with Master Jayco's Viser card.)
Obi: Here, Master. But he said if you don't pay him back, then I will have to be collateral for it. What does that mean?
Qui: Nothing, Obi-Wan…okay…Ms.…let me try this number…
(Qui-Gon proceeded to give the new card info to the customer rep.)
C: Thank you sir. If you should have any questions, please don't hesitate to call our 800-customer satisfaction line. Thank you for your order. Please call again.
Qui: Thanks. That's what I want to do with my day, spend another hour and a half on hold.
Obi: When will it be here, Master? Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me…
Qui: What did I tell you about begging?
Obi: That is was degrading and not becoming a Jedi.
Qui: Then why do you continue to beg?
Obi: Because I don't always listen to your wise words.
Qui: And why not?
Obi: I am a bad pad.
Qui: Very good, Obi-Wan. You learn quickly, you just don't always listen.
—-
(7 weeks later, a silver metallic box arrived at the entrance to Jinn's and Kenobi's apartment.)
Obi: Master, it's here! FINALLY! Can I open it…can I, can I, can I?
Qui: You can open it just to make sure that all the parts are there. You cannot have the doll…action figure…whatever… until the holiday.
Obi: I understand. (Obi-Wan spent 10 minutes biting at the packaging tape before Qui-Gon sliced it open with his lightsaber.)
Qui: There. Teeth were not designed for that purpose.
Obi: I have to put it together? Batteries not included? SITH! And look at the color of the robe…look what color yellow it is…this sucks.
Qui: Watch your mouth please. What size batteries does it take?
Obi: 9 Volt.
Qui: 9 Volt? Nothing runs on 9 Volt anymore…you know how hard it is to find that size battery? Who invented this doll anyway?
Obi: It says…made in Degobah.
Qui: Ah yes, land of the backward trolls. That explains everything. Okay Obi-Wan, pack the doll up, you can't have it right now.
Obi: It is NOT A DOLL! Please don't call it that.
Qui: You are begging for extra meditation, aren't you? That tone is not needed. If you persist, I will not hesitate to send this thing back.
Obi: No, please don't. I'm sorry. I will behave now. I am just so psyched to have a Chobi. Bant will be so jealous. I finally have my revenge on her.
Qui: Begging, plotting revenge and jealously? New holiday traditions that I have yet to know about?
Obi: Just kid stuff.
Qui: Right. We'll, I think a little extra meditation is in the works anyway. Please have a seat in the corner.
Obi: But…but…Master…I was only kidding…and you know that I have plans with Bant and Reeft tonight.
Qui: Padawan…come closer…just a little closer…
Obi: You are gonna whack me in the head, aren't you?
Qui: Why would I do that? I just want to hug you.
Obi: Are you sure? I know you're not big into this mush thing.
Qui: Come here, Padawan…just a bit closer…
(Obi-Wan reluctantly approached his master. And was surprised when he was drawn into a hug.)
Qui: There, you see? Just a hug. Is that so bad?
Obi: Nope. I can deal. Does this mean that I am getting out of the extra meditation?
Qui: This time, yes. But if I hear any further talk of revenge, or anymore of this begging stuff, I will not be so kind. Understand?
Obi: Yes, Master. Thank you. No begging and no revenge.
Qui: Now go on and meet your friends, but I want you back here at the 10 hour.
Obi: Yes, Master.
(Once Obi-Wan was gone, Qui-Gon took a second peak at the Chobi Doll. After messing with it for a few minutes, he started using pretend voices while he animated the doll.)
Qui: Die Sith! Die! Ha Ha! Take that you little…
(Obi-Wan came running back in.)
Obi: Sorry, Master, I forgot to…um…Master, what are you doing?
(Qui-Gon made a humorous attempt to hide the Chobi behind his back.)
Qui: Nothing at all, Padawan. What brings you home so soon?
Obi: I…uh…forgot my robe. You're playing with Chobi aren't you? That is so cute. You're so funny. That's okay, I won't tell anyone.
Qui: Good, because if you do, I WILL be using you as collateral for what I owe Master Jayco.
Obi: I still don't know what that means, but I don't like the sound of it. I'll keep my big mouth shut.
Qui: This should be interesting to watch.
Obi: I can do this. I may start bursting out in laughter for no apparent reason, but I will not tell a soul. I swear on my braid.
Qui: I will wait and see about that. This will be a test for you.
Obi: And Master Jayco said you had no sense of humor.
Qui: Out, Obi-Wan…NOW! Or Chobi doll is history.
Obi: Bye, Master, don't play too rough now, I don't want a used toy for the holiday. And, Master?
Qui: Yes?
Obi: It is NOT A DOLL! Gotta run!
(Obi-Wan took off, narrowly avoiding the barrage of Force thrown pillows that were launched at his head. He yelled back as he ran down the corridor.)
Obi: HA! You missed! Byeeeeeee.
Qui: Next time, Braid boy! Next time!
END