Disclamer: I don't own the characters, they belong to Shonda Rhimes. This work has no other pretension than to have fun.
Your reviews are always expected and appreciated. Regarding the medical details, not being doctors, they are certainly questionable, as my English translation because I'm French. So, sorry for the mistakes.
CHAPTER 9
- Callie? Callie, are you okay?
She heard sniffs behind the door
- Yes, I'm coming. The voice filled with tears crashes the silence
- Callie, you're crying. Why are you crying? Only sobs reached her. "Oh shit, she had hurt her once again,"
Arizona mortified was blaming herself. Did she need to rehash yet again, her doubts, her lack of confidence in Callie's ability to love her? Besides, who was she to judge? She was not the world champion in the "loss management category". Callie may have been lying to herself, with her almost vital need to fall in love with love, but wasn't she lying to herself with her "medication sex"? The cries that had not stopped in the next room, attract her attention.
- Callie … Callie may I come in? When there is no answer, she pushes the door. Callie, I'm coming in!
She feels her heart tearing, when she sees her ex-wife sitting on the edge of the bathtub, wrapped in her bathrobe. From her red eyes flow sadness and dismay. Arizona kneels down in front of her, her eyes drawn by the hairbrush that her ex-wife holds in her right hand. When the understanding and compassionate blue eyes meet the black eyes, the brunette collapses, tears streaming in an uninterrupted flow, on her emaciated and pale face. Everything Arizona had been dreading for days, was there, in that hairbrush. She takes Callie in her arms, and cradles her, letting her vent her grief.
- It's okay… it's okay… It's nothing but hair, the most beautiful hair in the world, but just hair. They're gonna grow back, okay?
Callie had been crying and laughing in the same time, staying for a long time curling up in Arizona's embrace, she wouldn't move anymore. She was so tired of facing the side effects of the treatments, the pain, the exhaustion that invaded her every day more, this simple hairbrush had overcome all her courage and resistance.
In Arizona's arms she was recovering, they did not need to speak, all she had to do was hold her, and everything was getting better. She feels Arizona loosen her embrace slightly. Without a word, driven by the illusory desire to stop time a little longer, the brunette draws her closer, squeezing her even harder against her. The authoritarian movement that keeps her in place, makes Arizona smile. She remains motionless, gently caressing her back, until Callie looks up at her.
- Wait, don't move, I'll be right back.
She was not rather gone as she was already back, standing in the frame of the bathroom door, a hair trimmer, and a scissors in each of her hands.
- Arizona?
- We knew this would happen. So, are you ready?
Arizona passes the hair trimmer through the black hair, gently removing the hair that was still there but certainly not for long. Callie devastated, closed the eyes, she didn't want to see her hair strewn on the floor. However, she appreciated Arizona's anticipation for this painful moment, which she knew was inevitable, but which she had overshadowed.
Only the sound of the hair trimmer broke the silence in the room. She was thinking, Arizona was very caring, she had rashes, and she came running with the perfect cream, she had a stomachache, she had the right pill in her bag, she smiled inwardly; she was losing her hair and she was popping up with a hair trimmer. Dr. Robbins was a type A, everyone knew that, but it's kind of crazy, she had to make an exhaustive list of all the potential effects of chemo, to make sure that she lacks nothing. Standing in front of her was the Arizona she had lost, the one that had disappeared in the woods of Idaho. So much attention and love made her tears flow, it seemed that crying was what she did best today.
These thoughts are interrupted by stopping the sound of the hair trimmer. Arizona had finished, she put the device down and looks tenderly at Callie's white skull. Lifting the brunette's chin who was staring at her feet, her smile freezes in front of the sadness in the chocolate eyes that looked even bigger, even more beautiful if it were possible. She takes her face between her hands, and lays a gentle kiss on the freshly shaved head.
-You're beautiful, you're always so beautiful. My ex-wife is sexy, really sexy
A forced grin on the face, Callie wipes the tears from her cheeks with a furious gesture, causing a smile on Arizona's face, because this was exactly the kind of reaction of a fighting Calliope Torres. She holds out a mirror. The Latina, kept a worried eye.
- It gives me a Rock Star style; don't you think so?
Arizona expels a breath that she did not know she was holding, dreading her reaction, and as always, she stunned her. Relieved, she repeats while laughing.
- Yeah, a super sexy Rock Star. My ex-wife is definitely a super sexy Rock Star.
Look, do you want to try this? In case it's cold outside, or too much sun.
Arizona opens a large bag with all kinds of headgear in it. In the middle of the scarves were hats, caps and even a cowboy hat. She had absolutely everything planned. Callie lets out a sob.
- Don't , Don't. I'm sorry, that's not a good idea. Please don't cry, if you don't want them, I'll put them away. Hop! That disappears!
Arizona anxious not to hurt Callie, imitates a magician to make disappear the object responsible for the crying. Between tears and laughs Callie hiccups
- No, it's because it's ... you're so adorable Arizona. She intensely plunges her eyes into the azure eyes. Who is the super-protective woman now? exclaims the brunette trying to get out of the emotion caused by so much thoughtfulness.
- Too much?
The brunette shakes her head
- I don't know how I will be able to do all this without you.
- Neither do I… Well I mean, I can't be anywhere else either. You understand, knowing you're in pain and away from me. She laughs Finally you have the right to be away from me, but only if you're okay.
- Yeah… Already tried. Grimace Callie Worst decision of my life
Sitting on the sofa an open book on her knees, Callie passed her hands over her skull, she tamed this new sensation, that gave her a new look.
- I think I can keep that shaved, I actually like that
- Oh, really? The blonde was gauging Callie's appearance carefully, making her blush a little. Yeah, it suits you … but … I've always loved running my fingers through your hair.
Realizing that she had just crossed the border, which led her directly to the country where ex-women are not allowed, Arizona sighed.
It was still difficult, not to get lost. They had decided to forget their kiss, but as soon as she closed her eyes, the sensation of Callie's lips on hers, resurfaced. Sometimes, she really had to flog herself not to let her mind wander towards less platonic desires.
She was confused, in a few words Callie had dismantled the argument on which she had been entrenched for years. To think that Callie had stopped loving her and moved on to something else, or rather to someone else, well, it actually made it easier, because if it wasn't, then there was a real possibility of a new... No, she couldn't even think the words… What the hell was wrong with her? She had somehow confessed that she was still in love with her and forever. And what did Callie mean by this enigmatic "We agree on this point" What point was it exactly?
It was really confusing. She didn't want to ask any more questions, not now.
Rediscovering Callie was like a dream she had stopped dreaming about. It was no secret to anyone, she had not overcome their separation. It would not be necessary to push her much, for her to want everything again. Callie, their family, a life with Callie and Sofia, projects with Callie, going home to find Callie, waiting for her eagerly, no longer make a decision without talking to Callie, link every second of her life to Callie's, fall asleep in her arms, look for her as soon as she wakes up...She shakes her head to drive that waking dream out of her mind.
Outside the OR, Arizona was a hesitant person, she thought long and hard before making a decision, and still she was never completely sure it was the right one. Yet she was 100 percent convinced that this dream was all she wanted, and that this time she would not fail.
But she had already had her chance, Callie had even given her several, and they had crashed painfully each time.
She had not come to Portland for that. Her ex-wife needed her by her side to heal, that was the deal and nothing else. She could hide her feelings for decades to come, even if the fact that the brunette was playing flirting a little did not make the task easier.
Callie had a crazy charm, she played with it all the time, maybe it had no meaning, it was just a habit.
They had spent the last ten years of their lives running. Running because they were paged, running to save a life, running behind the evolution of their career, running to pick up Sofia, running to meet each other, treat all the problems in a hurry.
In this frantic race, they often missed the essentials, simply spending time and enjoying of each other. She was offering herself this luxury right now, taking the time.
So, she would live the moment to the fullest, focus on Callie, her well-being and healing, being her only project. The rest was not topical anymore, she could keep quiet for a long time.
- You really amaze me! You handle physical change so much better than I do.
- Uh, Arizona it's beyond compare , it's not like your leg is going to grow back
Arizona raises wide-eyed on the brunette, her face betraying the stupor.
- Wow! Wow, wow! Sorry, unwelcome remarks, isn't it? Grimace Callie
Passed the first surprise, a burst of laughter shakes the blonde, joined by her ex-wife relieved of the reaction to this joke a little risky
- The first time David made that joke, I wanted to strangle him. In your mouth, I find it rather funny actually.
- Uh… today… I wouldn't have tried it just… Wait, David? The prosthetist? Is he really making that kind of joke? Oh fuck, if I had known, I would have strangled him with my own hands.
- Sure, you were so protective, a lioness protecting her child. Miming an aggressive lioness ready to attack, Arizona mocks Callie
- Yeah… I was doing it out of love, you know, I was so worried about you. Looking a little at her feet with this old reflex of not having done things well enough, Callie is still trying to justify herself.
- Yes, I know, Callie. You were so great. David used to tell me that, too.
- What?
- He was telling me I was lucky to have you, I think he had a bit of a crush on you
- With you, as soon as someone looked at me, he had a crush on me. Arizona maybe I was a lioness but you've always been jealous as a tigress
The wrinkled eyes the blonde turns her head to the brunette.
-I wasn't jealous, I would say rather worried and … lucid
Callie nods her head skeptically, not hiding a mocking smile. Arizona had always found lots of good excuses to refuse to admit that she was jealous, and Callie had always found it quite funny.
- Talk to Karev about it, he must still be afraid you'll break a brick on his head!
- Hum…Another thing I had never known before you? I don't see how anyone could resist these eyes, this mouth…
- this beautiful hair Ends Callie pushing from her shoulder, the side of the blonde
They were still laughing, the day had started with tears, clumsiness, but continued with jokes, and laughter, it was like that every day, they found ease, never letting melancholy settle down.
-So, I let my hair grow again?
- Oh yeah… I mean, will you?
- Since you like my hair, I'll have hair laughs the brunette.
"Isn't that just in my mind"? Arizona questioning. "She's really flirting with me! Oh my God, have I become so bad that I no longer know how to decode messages? She still sends out somewhat contradictory signs" Totally confused by the seduction games of her ex, Arizona reproaches her thoughts. "She has a tumor, she's undergoing chemo, she certainly has other concerns to deal with than sending signals... And you shouldn't think about that either".
Callie did not eat much at dinner, she feels groggy and decides to go to bed early, hoping that sleep would repair her febrile state.
Remaining alone in the living room, Arizona thought that the episode of hair loss, although it did not go so badly, must have emotionally exhausted her ex-wife. She tried in vain to watch a show that she did not listen to. She was still concerned about Callie; she had seemed absent and slowed down a good part of the afternoon. She imagined that their dancing night had overcome of her already weakened energy. She had had fewer side effects during the last chemo sessions, Arizona was desperately looking for all the positive signs to keep confidence.
Having decided that being a patient and a doctor was absolutely incompatible, Callie had abandoned the medical part in Arizona. She did not want to know anything about the test results, referring only to her ex-wife, to whom she gave carte blanche for all decisions.
Arizona, therefore, had the happy privilege of discussing with "the charming Dr Stevens" who still did not like her. She had to have a meeting with the oncologist right away, because if, according to the latest tests, metastasis retreated, the brain tumor on the other hand resisted and had even grown a bit. According to Amelia, who was following the evolution with the scans that Arizona sent her regularly, radiotherapy should now be started without delay. That was the plan, try to decrease the brain tumor, or at least avoid its growth, in order to facilitate surgery and reduce the risk of damage. She would tell Callie and Dr Stevens about the process tomorrow.
She walks up to Callie's room to keep an eye on her and wish her a good night. Through door ajar, she can see Callie asleep, she retreats on tiptoe, not to wake her, when she hears screams.
- No, it is not possible, no, no, no, we have to go and get them. Owen sends Search and Rescue services right now! Arizona, no Arizona, don't be afraid baby, they'll find you. We have to find her! Dad, dad, I can't lose her!
I love her Marc, I'll learn to love Malawi.
Stay in my arms honey, you will no longer be afraid, you will no longer hurt. Please don't go. No, darling, don't get on that plane! Arizona no…
-Callie, Callie, you're having a nightmare. Callie I'm here, wake up darling, I'm here. Arizona rushed to her ex-wife, the brunette opens eyes bulging by panic
- Arizona? You're back?
- I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. You had a bad dream.
- Are you back from Malawi? Callie emits a dull laugh. Nooo, it's not Malawi, it's Boise. You always leave me to get on a plane. Planes aren't good for us. I shouldn't have gotten on that plane to New York, my dad's right, I bungled everything. Tears come out of black eyes. As soon as you let me, I screw everything up
You didn't love me since I cut your leg off and besides, it wasn't even me who did it, shaking her shoulders, but if it had taken I would have done it, because I couldn't lose you, even though I knew that anyway, I had lost you, that you would never love me the same again, at least you were alive . I needed you so badly for you to love me again,
- Shh, Shh, Calliope calm down. I'm here now. Don't think about it anymore honey, calm down.
Quickly, passing her hand on the Latina's forehead, Arizona had assessed Callie's temperature. The fever made her delirious. The brunette was hot, her whole body was burning, the urgency was to lower the fever immediately by all means, in order to prevent her brain from seizures. She rushes into the bathroom to fill the tub. She takes the Latina there, undressing her, to put her in the fresh water of the bathtub in order to lower her body temperature quickly, as is often done in pediatrics. From sobbing to joking, the Latin takes a mischievous look at Arizona.
- Oh, oh, Dr Robbins, your intentions do not seem very honest to me. Would you be putting me naked…
- Damn it, Callie! It's hard enough, so I beg you, shut up.
- Okkaaay! Let me help you.
The brunette begins to undo the buttons of the Arizona's shirt, who tried to get out as she could of this so embarrassing situation. While trying to undress her, she tried in the same time, to dissuade the brunette who had already lifted her shirt and seemed to have a keen interest in her breasts.
After a fierce battle to discourage Callie from undressing her and putting her in the bathtub with her, Arizona manages to make her ex-wife lie down in fresh water. The brunette finally seems to be relaxing and close her eyes. Crouching by her side Arizona passes a fresh cloth on her forehead, and her skull. Beginning to appreciate the lull after the storm, her thoughts turn to Callie's ramblings. She jumps when two black slightly crazy eyes, open again in a flash, staring at a point on the other side of the room
- Wow, I am terribly saddened by my huge lack of play! No, I'm not, do you really think I'm pretty? No, no I'm not… Wait, wait… stop… I'm sorry… You're really very pretty, and I'll wish I wanted to, but I'm not ready, I ...I just got divorced, it's recent and brutal, so brutal in fact, I can't…
Arizona swallows with difficulty, devastated, she listens with tenderness, her ex-wife unconsciously relive all the suffering that she has carefully killed during all these years. She could measure through the words of Callie, the lack of love, security and self-confidence in which she had made her live throughout her recover.
She guessed the situation, she too had experienced the anguish to move, to the point of making Richard Weber her wing man. But she was convinced that after their split, Callie had no problem jumping immediately and smoothly, into light, easy stories that wouldn't suffocate her. In fact she hadn't been the only one whose life had been ruined
-Calliope, Calliope Arizona is trying to get her out of her hallucinatory delirium, but it's useless to try to stop her, she doesn't hear her, Callie is in her world.
- Owen, the last woman I kissed in that bar I married her. It's like I've already had my bundle of happiness and I've used it all, and now it's just gonna be bland things.
Apparently, Callie had also accepted the idea that she had had her big romance. Separately they had followed the same path, perhaps not in the same timing, Callie always ahead of a stride. But it led them to the same place.
- Marc, six months! She needs to get away from me for six months, I mean, she just doesn't have the courage to end it! No, Marc, you don't suggest a six-month break, when you love someone, I can barely get over her for one night!
In conversation with all these imaginary friends she delivers all these years of questions, fears, frustrations and regrets.
Talk to her, tell her I love her? It's no use anymore She slept with that woman Marc! You know how I can react. I was a monster, I treated her like shit, I told everyone to humiliate her, I even said she was dead, and she was actually, you know, dead inside. I'm horrible I wanted her to be hurt. How could she still believe that I love her? Which is crazy, actually, because besides, I love her to death.
Tears ran down Arizona's cheeks, she could no longer stop them, obviously, she was eminently worried about the medical situation, but so upset too. There, before her eyes, unconsciously vulnerable, Callie revealed all her tears.
-No, it won't work, I don't believe it anymore, Marc.
Yeah, I know you didn't tell Lexie and then it was too late. Okay, okay, when you love someone, you get up and tell them. But when you've broken that person, you shut up and leave, Marc, there's nothing else to do.
At these words Arizona couldn't hold back a sob. What should she do? She, who had broken her so badly, should she leave and go? What a waste, so much love lost, for lack of understanding, communication, yeah Marc is right, when you love someone you tell them and then you see, you fight. But neither had been able to do so. How many mistakes for pride, fear or self-love? Today, faced with the possibility of an impending ultimate separation, all these feelings seem so ridiculous
The chills shaking Callie's body, interrupts Arizona's thoughts
- Callie you need to get out of the tub, you're gonna be cold.
She helps the Latina whose temperature had dropped enough, to get out of the water and wraps her naked body in a bathrobe, rubbing her forearms, her back, and her thighs to dry her, as she does with Sofia. Callie's mind wasn't really here. She frowns, looking disoriented, she doesn't even see the eyes reddened by the blonde's tears.
- Arizona? What the hell happened? Where is Marc now?
- It's fever, you've had fever attack.
- I had hallucinations. I was talking to Marc. She's looking for an answer in Arizona. The tumor?
Taking a deep breath Arizona nods sadly
- Fever or … tumor
The next morning when Callie opens the eyes, she turns the head and smiles at the sight of a gorgeous woman who sleeps next to her, the blond hair spread out on her pillow. On the pretext that she was too afraid not to hear Callie, Arizona had shared her bed.
She did not remember very well what happened last night, but the Latina was surprisingly peaceful. She had fallen asleep in Arizona's arms, who had squeezed her so hard not wanting to let go, although she did not fully understand the sudden reason, she did not complain. "It was wow… no wow is not enough", think Callie it was like a rebirth.
She had always loved sleeping in Arizona's arms, falling asleep in her perfume, feeling the softness of her skin.
She could see that she was worried. She knew perfectly well, each of the expressions that passed through her eyes, each emotion corresponded to a different shade, which varied from light blue to navy blue. Since yesterday, her eyes shone with tears that she tried to hide.
Hide, conceal, silence, avoid, pretend… that was all they had done for years. Callie thought back to Marc's visit the day before in her exhausted unconscious. With her eyes closed, she smiles at the thought that crosses her mind, "Wow Marc has become so mature! He had to die to become mature! It would be nice if I were at least once before I died. Yeah, I should do a big, mature thing before I die! "If you love someone you get up and tell them, and then you see." She opens her eyes, her friend is sitting at the corner of her bed.
- Marc, not in the fucking bedroom! If she wakes up, she's gonna freak out !
- Don't panic, she can't see me. Nice your new haircut. Declares the graying hair man with a huge smile revealing his white teeth.
- Can you see me? Callie asks, looking horrified. Wait then… So, you saw me naked in the bath yesterday?
- Nothing I don't already know. Callie takes a quick look at the sleeping woman by her side
- Damn, if Arizona knows, she's gonna… She stopped, suddenly realizing that she was worried about her ex-wife's jealousy, as if they were still married. Marc looks at her with a meaningful look.
-Talk to her Callie, tell her everything in your heart, stop hiding
-I'm going to die, Marc; I can't make her new promises that I won't keep again.
- Blondie gets you under her skin. She loves you more than she'll ever know how to tell you. She clung to life in the woods for you, Callie. She brought me back from there, for you. She was so afraid to leave you. Her femur was coming out of her leg, she was coughing up blood, but she was worried about you, about Sofia and about you. Callie, this woman loves you more than anything, she needs you, so it's your turn now, fight for her, fight for her and fight for Sofia.
Arizona had never talked about the days spent in the woods, what Callie knew about it, was what, her surviving friends of the crash or Marc, when he had been conscious just before disappearing forever, had told her.
Arizona had never mentioned her waiting in the woods, she had never even refused to fly back, when she had to go to get an organ, she had done it, that's all, without talking about it. She had once again, locked everything in her; and no one could have imagined what she had been through.
-As far as feelings are concerned, Arizona is a chicken. Marc laughs that's why she has this thing with chickens. You have no choice, you must have courage for two.
At this point, Arizona moves in bed, Callie turns her head towards the woman still asleep.
- Talk to her Callie. Those were Marc's last words, before he disappeared from the room.
Arizona, emits a small moan, her lips advancing in a sulky pout, she swallows. Her mind gently moving towards the consciousness, she slightly bites her lower lip. Before opening her eyes, she lazily stretches her aching body, stretching out her arms then her right leg, she arches her back a bit, exposing perfect breasts that can be guessed under her tight T-shirt.
The brunette's stomach is tightening, the Arizona awakening, had always been a super sexy show. When the blonde opened her eyes Callie looked at her as she did before… Before all the problems. Her face was illuminated by a big and beautiful smile, the black eyes shone, she could see love and nothing but love, unconditional, pure and sincere without the slightest shadow of reproach, with just that glimmer of desires lustful that made her whole body shiver. She didn't think she'd ever see that smile again, the first thing she'd seen for years when she woke up, and she didn't think she could still feel what was going on inside her, at that moment. A shy smile on her lips, she asks
- Have you been awake for a long time? The brunette unable to articulate a word nods Were you watching me sleep?
- I always loved watching you, wake up."
Arizona incredulous protests
- It was always me who woke up first.
- No, that's what I was letting you think, because you hated that I was watching you sleep, so I closed my eyes just in time, just before you opened yours.
Arizona sniffs, it was a very good description of their whole relationship. Pretending, not to face it. She remembers her fear of opening her eyes, in advance of what might come out of that beautiful mouth and that still boiling brain, which she had always had trouble catching up on. Callie was going fast, was in a hurry, skipping the steps, Arizona always felt like she was being one step behind her. In the field of feelings, it was necessary to recognize that she was much slower than the Latin.
-Do you still hate it?
-What?
- Let us watch you sleep.
- I don't know, I haven't often woken up with someone else.
- Do you mean…
-I mean what I just said. Answers Arizona visibly annoyed
- But the Trivial parties with Weber, you didn't just go there to play. Callie Laughs. A shadow passes over Arizona's face, betraying her displeasure.
- That's good, Callie, I just said I didn't like waking up with someone in my bed, I don't say I made a vow of chastity!
- Okay, sorry, sorry I didn't mean to hurt you
Aware of the change in mood, Callie tries to end the conversation. That was the problem between them, everything was cloudless blue, and then a shadow passed and it could be the beginning of a storm.
- I was trying to do what you wanted. Move on, forget you, forget our life, our family. That's exactly what you asked me when you wanted to kiss everyone, steak knife and the others. But I can count on the fingers of one hand, the times I woke up with someone in my bed, because I didn't like there was someone else in my bed, I didn't like that someone was in your place, in fact I used to sleep on your side.
- Okay, okay breathe. Callie burst on laugh, facing an exasperated Arizona
- I don't see what's funny?
Callie puts her hand tenderly on Arizona's
- Please, stop getting mad. It's just a little funny actually, because I did that, too. I occupied your side in the bed, too.
- Um, Arizona is trying to sweep away her annoyance.
To answer your question, it doesn't bother me that you watch me sleep unless you're making comments with Marc.
- Yeah, it's the tumor, confesses Callie looking distressed
- You have to go to the hospital right now, Callie.
-Dr. Stevens, you prioritize chemical treatment, you seem to forget that she has a time bomb in her brain. What's the point of putting her through all the pain of chemo, if the tumor kills her.
With the teeth tight, Arizona for the first time envisioned the worst.
-She is weak, I repeat that chemo plus radiotherapy will exhaust her! Wait, be patient
Arizona defends her point harshly against the oncologist, raising her eyes to the sky, she clearly shows her exasperation.
- I have all my time; she doesn't! She can't wait! Have you looked at the latest scans? Dr. Shepherd advocates…
- Oh yes, I forgot Grey- Sloan Memorial, the best doctors in the country…
- Oh please, it's not about your inferiority complexes or your ego hypersensitivity here, Dr Stevens! It's about my wife's life, uh…my ex-wife's. Anyway, I'll take the risk of exhausting her if it saves her life.
The next day the decision was made, the radiotherapy sessions were scheduled. Callie had given Arizona her approval, and willingly let her argue with Dr Stevens. On the one hand, she really lacked the energy for it, on the other hand, she loved how she felt when she saw Arizona, fighting for her.
For the first session Arizona had obtained the authorization thanks to Colleen, to accompany and install her ex-wife, before a protective mask was placed on her face so that the rays would only target the tumor. She had already lived this experience with Nicole Herman, and had in memory, Nicole's anguish, in those moments.
- Now, you relax, okay. I'm waiting for you next door. If it's hard, you close your eyes and think of something nice.
- Sex? Callie jokes in order to downplay her own anguish and hoping to minimize Arizona's
- Yeah, but then you have to tell me all the details. Winking at her and smiling mischievous, she leans over to the lying woman on the gurney, takes her hand and carries it to her lips.
- See you in few minutes. She was going to turn around to go out when she felt Callie's hand grip hers.
- I love you.
Her breath cut off, caught off guard, she babbles before leaving
- See you out there
The session ended, they return to the hotel, in a deafening silence. Arizona wondered how she could have gotten such an inappropriate response. For her part, Callie wondered what had taken her to listen again, Marc's advice, lambasting him by the way, for his smoky theories that he had not even put into practice himself.
She really had the idea of the century, saying "I love you" to her ex-wife, just before getting irradiated! You couldn't find anything more mature before you died, and so romantic on top.
Arizona was heading to the living room with two cups of tea, and she handed one to Callie.
-Was it difficult?
- It's unpleasant, you feel like you're going to suffocate, and then it's painful, it really compresses your skull… They should be working on a more comfortable material… In short, I really don't like it.
- No one should like it. Nobody likes drugs, stings, or radiations... And this sexy memory, it helped?
- Yeah, I thought, when it was all over, I'd invite you to drink a Sangria on a beach in Spain." She looks up at the blonde to see her reaction. In a bikini, of course.
- Callie …
- Arizona! … Can I tell you my last wish?
No sound allowed to come out of her throat tied, Arizona shook her head negatively, Callie had approached her, she took her hands in hers.
- If things go wrong, I want to stop everything, chemo, radiation, everything, and make your dream come true. I want us to have a Sangria on a beach in Spain.
She could not consider this option, Arizona could no longer hold back her tears, she could not project herself into a world without Callie. Of course, she had survived, she had learned to live without her, but she knew her somewhere on this earth, under the same sky as her, looking at the same stars and sincerely she hoped her happy.
They had shared a crazy love, passionate, burning, alienating even, often immature. A rare feeling that many never know, but the relationship they had been building for months, around a tragedy yet, was even stronger than it had ever been. Today more than any other day, all emotions caught up with her, she was unable to bear more, the memory of their first conflict about children, looking so futile to her. She snuggles up to Callie, and no longer holds back her tears.
After a moment, cradled in heartwarming arms, she lifts a dismayed face towards the brunette who smiled at her.
- Do you want a doughnut? The blonde pulls herself together, wiping away her tears quickly, letting out an embarrassed laugh.
- I'm the one who's supposed to be strong and carry you doughnuts. Sorry
- Since our new relationship is based on sincere and frank communication, I have to tell you something.
- What's going on? Arizona worried she'd had enough confession for one day
- I don't like doughnuts
- What?
- Arizona, I really don't like doughnuts. When George died, you brought me so many doughnuts every day, for weeks, I had indigestion, since I don't like doughnuts anymore
- You don't like doughnuts? Exclaims the disbelieving blonde But... but then, why do you eat it? And … and we go to this great bakery every time Sofia comes …
- Because I don't like doughnuts, but I love watching you love doughnuts, I also love to see you share your doughnut passion with our daughter.
- You've been eating donuts for years when you don't like them? Uh… I can believe it… There's a lot of things like that you didn't tell me.
Callie takes a time of reflection, making voluntarily the suspense last with a smile
- Too much! You?
An intense silence settles in the room, the issue of donuts suddenly seems a very small secret. Callie did not abandon her smile, waiting for the answer, to a question that might seem innocuous. With the head down on her hands, Arizona tortured her fingers. She gently lets out a breath between her lips
- Yeah, maybe … But you know it already, she shrugs her shoulders.
- Arizona? Callie bends her head towards the blonde to encourage her to pursue
- You know I've never been able to forget you. I... I'm sorry about earlier, I ...I was caught off guard and I panicked.
She was so cute muttering apologies, she had never stuttered so much, yet she was a person of speech, but this woman even made her lose her speaking skills.
- I shouldn't have, it was selfish of me. All we have to say is «tumor» suggests Callie to put an end to this embarrassing moment
-Ah? A hint of disappointment filtered from this word
-No, not "tumor"! That's enough. We've been hiding enough, I know it's not the tumor, but I understand your doubts, your fears and anyway in my condition, I'm not allowed to.
The two women treated their feelings each with her head, finally Arizona breaks the silence
- You know what hurt me at the end of our story. You didn't hear anymore, all the «I love you» I told you, all the words of love, didn't change anything. It was like I was trying to save some old furniture when the house was taking water from everywhere. She takes a moment; takes a deep breath trying to control her emotion.
You told me you love me, you made love to me and then you left me. It was really the saddest and most confusing thing in our history. I cannot hear that you love me until I am really sure that you are sure that you love me, not until you are convinced that life with me doesn't suffocate you or kill you slowly…
Callie watched her, literally exploding with laughter, as soon as she got into the realm of emotions Arizona was such a blunderer.
- Pardon, pardon, poor choice of words. Let's forget this, shall we?
- No Arizona, I can never forget this desperate attempt to keep believing in us, ever. I never forget our last night
Their eyes connect sharing a deep emotion, things were finally said.
- We're making a deal, I'm not allowed to say the three words until I get out of this.
Option 1: I'm not dying, so you're not killing me slowly, and we'll have the scientific evidence, that I only say bullshit when I'm unhappy. So I say again, "I love you", and you believe me, you never doubt me again. They lived happily, blah, blah, blah …
Options 2: I'm dying, and since we're scientists, we have proof that I was full of crap, when I was unhappy, and sometimes even when I wasn't. So,you know I loved you, and you can believe me, I 've never stop to, even though I thought that's what I needed , and you live happily ever after, blah, blah, blah…
- Shut up, you won't fucking die. I don't quite get it, but I'm really struggling with the doctors' humour right now.
Callie was laughing with all her heart, and Arizona reveled, all her pain flying away at that sound
- Waiting for all these joyful projects, now, come into my arms. You can't deprive a dying woman of a young high school girl hug
- Stop it, it's not funny, Callie.
Although she protested, she was well aware that this gallows humor was a way to defuse anxiety. She snuggled up in Callie's arms, and the closeness they had found was comforting, it was exactly what they needed.
- This is no longer my dream.
- What?
- Spain is no longer my dream.
- Okay. You say your dream and I realize it.
- All right! What are my limits?
- No limits Whatever you want.
- Really, everything I want?
Callie answers by nodding her head with a little mischievous look, her eyes betraying the ideas that passed through her mind.
- Get your mind out of the gutter Calliope Torres. Anyway, I'll save my answer for later.
A long silence sets in, it was not awkward. They were huddled against each other, each one sailing in dreams that were very similar, but held back by different fears
- Arizona,
Callie's dull voice breaks the silence, the low and hesitant tone alert Arizona, of the gravity of the words that will come out of the mouth that she is dying to kiss. She withdraws from the embrace questioning her ex-wife with her eyes. She rests her head on the couch and Callie reflects her position. Sign of great inner restlessness, she slightly bites the inside of her lower lip. Without a word, Arizona puts a finger on it to stop it, expressing only with her eyes that she was there, and that she was ready to listen. Urgently feeling an almost vital need for contact, they move closer, their faces mere inches apart, their hands are looking for each other and their fingers are intertwining.
option 2 needs to be considered. If one day I feel like I can't tell you tomorrow, I'll leave, and you'll have to let me go. It will require…
- Hey, we just agreed that I love you and you love me and all the rest of it…."
- Matters! All the rest of it matters, Arizona and you know that.
Interrupts, the brunette. It was hard to say and certainly unbearable to hear, but Callie had to go through with it now. Her big mature moment was right now!
This sentence uttered by Arizona, on her return from Africa, had turned in Callie's head for years. She now knew that it was a totally childish and unreal conception of love. Love cannot protect them from everything, they had the sad experience, "the rest "came back to them like a boomerang hitting them in the face, in the therapist's office.
She continues in a low voice, expressing with deep sincerity her innermost feelings. Yet she had lost this habit for years, it was a part of her that she found.
- The rest is important Arizona. Taking a deep breath. I swear, I want to live, and maybe you'll agree to give me a chance to love you better, to make you happy. I'd like to see Sofia grow up with both of us. I will accept anything for that, all the treatments, x-rays chemo, everything. But if I don't make it, if one night I have to let go of your hand, I don't want you to be broken. I want you to remember that love is stronger than sorrow. You'll have to put me in your drawer, with tears and sobs and all our laughter and move on. For our daughter, for you, for me, too.
She arranges a strand of hair behind the ear of the blonde who was staring at her with eyes shining with tears, from the back of the hand, she caresses her cheek.
You deserve so much to be happy, Arizona. Sofia must grow up in happiness, not nostalgia. You have to promise me, because if I have to leave, I want to leave thinking you're happy.
Arizona nodded, tears still flowed down her porcelain cheeks and Callie wiped them gently. Why seek more evidence of love when love stood there; in front of her. Each had always wanted the happiness of the other, but they had always been wrong when they had sought it separately. Arizona knew that, despite the fears, the questions, their happiness was only possible. She whispers in a breath.
- May I kiss you.
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