Chapter 10.
He missed Alba, but he missed Hermione as well. The first hadn't been online for ages and, where he first had been irritated by her behaviour, now he was worried. Besides YChat, he had no other way of contacting her and he was going mad. He needed to talk to her, to better understand his and her feelings and to ask her to finally meet. This last thing scared the hell out of him as he had never been to a blind date before, nor a normal one for that matter. He didn't know what to expect, how Alba could react to seeing him for the first time. She was young, way younger than him, and beautiful while he had always been on the ugly side compared to most wizards. Also, his temper and often rude manners didn't have much appeal. However, he had to know the truth. He needed to give a face to the girl who had tormented him for weeks and see if there could be something more between them.
Severus needed that because he really liked her, but he also liked Hermione, and could no longer walk both sides of the street. If he wanted to get a new life he had to start somewhere. His relationship with Hermione had developed so suddenly he often found himself wondering how it had even been possible for someone as reserved as himself to let a slip of a girl, one he had never particularly cared for, get under his skin so quickly. He had nearly kissed her in her room at San Mungo's and the memory of that moment still made his heart clench.
She was still hospitalised, even if in a couple of days she would be free, and no exceptions had been made for him of course. His request of being given one more day in order to visit her had been refused, so nearly one week had passed since the last time he had seen her. However, he had wanted to stay beside her, so he had bought two mobile phones and one he had sent to her via owl, his phone number recorded in the address book. That way he had been able to keep in contact with her and be updated about her health. She had been very pleased with his gift and had immediately sent him a text message saying: 'You're my fav person in the world.'
When he had heard the tune of his mobile, he had picked it up with nearly trembled hands, unwilling to believe she had really texted him. They would spend hours talking on the phone or just exchanging quick texts, and he had also read to her when she had been in deep pain. She always told him that his voice soothed her and helped dull the ache.
Each night, he would send her the Good Night and she always reciprocated by adding to her messages that he was her favourite person in the world. He didn't know what to make of that, but he engraved it in his heart like everything else under the label 'Hermione Granger'. He couldn't wait to see her.
Before her release, he got one more time to see her, and he was thankful when he found she was indeed feeling much better. She would need to keep an eye on herself, but the problem seemed to have been contained.
On Friday, Severus received a call from her where she explained that she was finally free, but she had to stay at home for a couple of days more in order to monitor her health. He thought he could not have been happier, but he found himself nearly shouting from joy when the green dot of the online status on YChat appeared beside Alba's nickname. He had sent her so many messages in those weeks, without receiving one answer, that he had feared she had gone forever, leaving him just like that.
-My dear bastard, I know you will have probably thought I had abandoned you and I'm sorry for that. However, I haven't. I still wish to learn the depth of your eyes and the intensity of your mouth. I still want to lose myself in you, my deepest desire.
I have missed you and thought of you a lot these last two weeks. Please, don't ask me why I have been away. I can't tell you, just know that I've not been feeling very well and had to leave my town in order to find a solution to one of my many problems.
Please, forgive me. Am I still your cheeky little thing?
Severus was shaking with emotions, so happy to finally receive one of her messages. Yet, so many things weren't right and the fact that she didn't want him to ask questions confused him. But you are here now, my cheeky little thing.
'You are.' He typed, 'And I have missed you, too. I won't be asking questions, for now.'
-Thank you. Have you really missed me?
'Yes. How are you now?'
-Better, now that I know you are not mad at me., she said, and he smiled softly. -I have never been more confused than I am now, and this is also your fault you know.
'How is it my fault?' he answered smirking. 'I haven't done anything.'
-You have become so much for me in such a short time, and yet I don't know what to do.
Severus read her text again and again, wondering at the sudden emotional turmoil he could definitely feel inside himself. No one had ever told him something like that, and he knew it was something he had dreamt of hearing so many times. He had lived nearly all his life alone, in the silence of his rooms and the turmoil of his heart. Solitude was his only friend and he had never thought he could live to experience a different life, one where he could be himself without a mask clouding his very self.
'I don't know what to do myself.', he replied inhaling deeply and hoping she would be able to help him understand his situation better. He had never found himself in such a mess, never.
-I want to be truthful with you, because I care for you and you deserve it, and I hope you won't think less of me now for telling you this., came her answer, and his heart clenched at the implications of what she had just said.
He had known deep down that someday this thing she had with her would have ended, but it didn't hurt less. The truth was that no matter how hard he tried to be a good person, sooner or later everyone abandoned him. He was destined to a lonely life, one of sufferings and pain. Well, he was so used to it… it didn't really change anything. However, the prospect of a life like that wasn't appealing in the least.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a videocall and, when he opened the connection, he saw her. Her wavy hair was down, hiding her shoulders and chest, and she was chewing on her lower lips, exactly like Hermione did so often when she wasn't able to keep her emotions in check.
-I have thought a lot these days and it's difficult... I like you, I like you a lot., she typed with unsteady hands. -But I can't keep this up forever. I need to righten my life. I have been spending a lot of my time with a person, someone who has helped me greatly and whom I have never thought I could like... But here I am. I don't want to hurt you, nor to lose you, but he is real and you... I don't know what to do.
'I understand.' He only said, and he realised that he was shaking. She didn't want to hurt him, but that's exactly what she was doing. His life was worth nothing. He always wondered why he had survived if he had to live like that. Why couldn't his life change? Why? Yes, he had Hermione… but even she wasn't his. He had never been and would never be anyone's. Alone, all my life alone. That's what I deserve.
Glancing at the screen, trying to impress in his mind the memory of her, he saw that Alba was crying. Thick tears trailed down her slightly rosy cheeks, like translucent pearls on her immaculate skin. She is beautiful, he thought inhaling deeply. He wasn't sure about it, but he wanted to believe that she was crying because she didn't want to hurt him and to leave him like that. He wanted to believe that she did really care for him, that everything that had happened between them had been true. That feeling of wholeness he had experienced was true and had enveloped him and made him so warm his heart had been content. Now, he had nothing. I am alone.
-I'm sorry, Leo. What I have with you is astounding and every time I think about it, I lose my breath. It overwhelms me at the deepest level, but at the same time it scares me. You are an amazing man, but I can't keep lying to the both of you. I can't keep embracing him in the afternoon and then make virtual love to you at night. It's not right. Not to him, not to you. Not to myself.
Severus didn't know what to think, really. It was a pattern in his life that every single woman he came to care for in the end left him for someone else. Someone who was a better person than him. He was trying to be better himself, but it was never enough. He was never enough. However, thinking about what she had told him, something occurred to him and somewhat the pain lessened, if not by much. She has my same problem., he thought bitterly, running a hand through his hair. She had been divided between two men, like himself had been between her and Hermione. Life could be such a bitch sometimes, an ironic bitch to be precise, but he knew that all too well. What could he tell her? He didn't even know his own heart. He looked one more time at her, before lowering his head and typing his reply. She didn't deserve the pain, he understood her too well, and decided to tell her the truth.
-There is a woman who had been by my side for the last couple of weeks., he started, pausing one moment in thought. 'I didn't think I could ever feel anything for her, but the problem is that I do. I care for her but at the same time I care for you. You are precious to me, Alba.'
-You as well are seeing someone?, she asked, relieved she had not been the only one walking both sides of the street. -We are a total mess., she replied, and he laughed, glad she didn't sound angry at him for keeping it from her. -Real life has decided to blend too much with this one, and now we are stuck.
'What do you propose we do?'
-I don't want to leave you, I really don't want to., she confessed, and he smiled fondly looking at the screen. -But I think it would be better if we concentrated on real life and see if we can make something good come out from what we have created with these two people we so dearly love.
'It will be hard.'
-I know. I know it will be.
'What if I understand that I want you, only you?' he asked her, knowing that it could be a possibility. He seldom attached himself to others, but when he did it usually was for ever. Lily was just an example…
-Then, we will talk about it and find a solution.
'Why can't we meet and see what happens?'
-What do you think it's going to happen, Leo? I would kiss you senseless and then make love to you and you to me, and then everything would be lost because we would feel so guilty about our actions. We would ruin everything.
He had never made love, had always been privy of that aspect of life. He had an idea of the feelings but he knew it could be nothing like he had in mind. When he had been young, he had desperately looked for that kind of intimacy but very quickly understood no one was interested in him in that way. Then, life had become so bloody complicated he hadn't had time for something more than a quick and heartless shag. However, he knew he needed that in his life now. He didn't want to die alone, without love. He deserved it. But he knew she was right; they would make things worse if they were to meet.
'You really are more mature than your age.'
-Thank you., she answered, and he saw her dry her tear-stained cheeks and gift him with a small smile. -You know, I'm quite jealous of this woman who has won your heart. She is so lucky to have you for herself, but I'm happy if you are able to find some happiness with her.
'I'm going to miss you.'
It was the truth. She had meant a lot to him in these past weeks. Hell, she had meant everything to him before Hermione had entered his life again. He was going to miss her and their special connection, something he had never shared with everyone.
-And I, you. But it's not a goodbye, it's only a see you later. Because, even if I know it's not right to ask you to stay friends, I would like that... We have shared too much…
'I'd like that. You are a special girl Alba, and I wish you good luck with this guy as well.'
After that, they wished each other a good night and he went to bed. That night, he didn't sleep at all. Memories of his life kept assaulting his mind and he tried to find a way to make his life better. He wanted a future, and not a sad one. He had been sad all his life, now he wanted something more. He only hoped that life wasn't going to be even more of a bitch with him.