JJ closed her eyes, letting herself focus on the gentle hum of the plane and the warm body beside her. After she'd been found in the woods, JJ had been checked out by medics and deemed well enough to go home. She had a few stitches on her cheek, her wrists were wrapped in bandages, and she'd been given a tetanus shot and a course of antibiotics.
Overall, it didn't seem like she'd been too hurt. She didn't feel good by any means, but she was thankful to escape a visit to a hospital. Hotch had already told her she had to take at least two weeks off and see an FBI therapist. Neither of those things sounded fun, but she was thankful for the support.
Emily hadn't left her side since she'd caught JJ in the cemetery. She'd stood right beside JJ when she was being checked out by medics, sat beside her on the drive back to the Atlanta police department, packed up their things at the hotel for her, and carried it all onto the plane. JJ's only job had been to keep her blanket around her and she was incredibly thankful.
Now, she and Emily were sitting side by side on the couch, sharing JJ's blanket. Emily leaned against the wall, tucked into the corner of the plane. Her arm was wrapped around JJ's shoulder, holding her close and making her feel safe and protected.
JJ let herself enjoy the closeness without thinking too deeply into it. She was exhausted, physically and mentally, after her long ordeal and it felt nice just to be close to a friend. The things she'd remembered and discovered about herself would have to wait until she could form a coherent thought. Right now, the only thing on her mind was the gentle way Emily's fingers drew meaningless patterns on her shoulder.
They'd changed clothes at the hotel, but JJ still hadn't showered. She'd put on sweatpants, a large t-shirt, and a thick sweatshirt, so she'd be warm when they landed back in DC. Even though it felt like it'd been years, it was still February. Emily was dressed similarly and between her warmth and the blanket, JJ was very close to falling asleep.
Under the blanket, Emily held her hand. Their fingers were tangled together, skin slightly damp from warmth, but JJ didn't want to pull away. The feeling was keeping her grounded. She felt like she could fall apart at any moment and the only thing holding her together was the arm around her and the hand in hers.
"Hey," Emily said quietly, dropping her head so she could look at JJ's face. "You still awake?"
JJ nodded, but kept her eyes closed. "Yeah."
"I just wanted to say that you can talk to me. If you want." She picked at the fabric of JJ's sweatshirt, tickling her shoulder. "No pressure, but I'm here."
"Thanks," JJ mumbled. She had absolutely no desire to talk about what she went through with Hankel. Especially not with someone as put together and confident as Emily. "Not now."
"Of course." Emily nodded and rested her head on top of JJ's. "Whenever you want."
A thought briefly crossed JJ's mind. "Emily?"
"Yeah?"
"How much did you guys hear about Ros?"
Emily was quiet for a moment. "Not much. After you…gave us the message, we started figuring out where you were. I think Garcia may have heard, but that's it."
"That's good."
JJ didn't care if Garcia heard her confess about Ros. They'd talked about it already, both women reluctant to talk about the people they'd lost and blamed themselves for, but also needing someone who understood. JJ just didn't want Emily to think poorly of her.
"Can I stay with you tonight?" JJ mumbled, snuggling further into Emily's side. "Please? I don't want to be alone."
She felt Emily tense at her side, but after a couple seconds of hesitation, Emily nodded. "Yes. You can. I won't make you be alone tonight."
"Thanks, Emily."
Emily grew even tenser and JJ opened her eyes, frowning when she saw Spence standing in front of her. He looked terrified, wringing his hands and chewing on his lip. JJ hadn't even thought about him until just now. His presence reminded her how she'd gotten taken by Hankel in the first place and she shivered.
"Hey, Reid," Emily said quietly, her voice carefully neutral. "What's up?"
"Can I talk to JJ?"
Emily's hand twitched in JJ's as she lifted her head off JJ's and looked down at her. JJ really wanted to say 'no,' but he looked so pathetically nervous. She reminded herself that he was just a kid. He might only be three years younger than she was, but he'd maintained his innocence through his trauma, and hers had made her hard.
JJ tried to smile at Emily, but the way the other woman's mouth tightened told her that she'd failed. "It's ok. I'll talk to him."
"Do you want me to stay with you?" Emily asked. She waited until JJ shook her head to separate their hands, carefully extracting herself from JJ. "Ok. I'm going to talk to Hotch."
Nodding, JJ sat up and gathered her blanket in her arms, letting Emily go. She watched her walk across the plane as Spencer sat down in her place. Hotch glanced up when Emily got close, frowning before gesturing for her to sit. Blinking, JJ looked away, turning her attention to Spencer.
He pushed his unruly hair out of his face and smiled weakly. "I wanted to apologize. For leaving you. I shouldn't have done that."
"No," JJ agreed, "you shouldn't have. You should have listened to me."
Wincing, he tried to touch JJ's blanket, but she snatched it away like a petulant child. Now that he was here and Emily's calming embrace was gone, JJ was furious. Reid had been careless, and reckless, and it had led to her being tortured.
"Look," JJ said, doing her best not to glare at him and failing, "I know that you were doing what you thought was best, but you can't just run off into the dark and leave your teammates behind. It's dangerous and irresponsible. You're going to get yourself and your teammates hurt. You already did."
His eyes watered and JJ felt bad for him despite her anger. She sighed heavily, sticking a hand out of her blanket nest to pat his knee.
"That being said… I'll probably forgive you soon. I can't right now." She closed her eyes. "I just don't have the energy, but give me some time and I'll see what I can do."
"Thanks," he whispered. "I appreciate it."
She felt the couch shift as he stood up again. It almost made her feel guilty for being so mean, but she hadn't been lying when she said she didn't have the energy to forgive him right now. She didn't really have the energy for anything. So, she let herself fall onto the couch, got comfortable under the blanket and fell asleep.
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About two hours later, Emily, JJ, and Hotch were on their way to Hotch's house to pick up Milly. Hotch had been reluctant to tell JJ about Milly, citing what Emily told him about needing to keep her secret to keep her safe, but Emily knew that JJ would never be a danger to Milly. She already trusted the other woman to keep her secret.
Even though Hotch had agreed during their conversation on the plane, the atmosphere in his car was tense. He drove in silence, knuckles white around the steering wheel. Emily sat in the backseat with JJ, serving as the exhausted woman's pillow again. Once they were on the Beltway, Emily shifted, waking JJ up.
"Hey," she said quietly, putting her hands on JJ's shoulders and helping her sit up. "We need to talk before you come over."
JJ nodded, rubbing her eyes. Her blanket fell from her shoulders and she gathered it into her lap, turning on the seat as much as she could. "What's up?"
"Well, I...don't live alone."
"Oh," JJ muttered, frowning, "you have a boyfriend? Is he ok with me staying over?"
Emily almost laughed at the idea that she had a boyfriend. It was so far from the truth that it seemed absurd. Tucking her hair behind her ear, she just shook her head and smiled.
"No, I don't have a boyfriend." Glancing at Hotch, Emily took in the tightness around his eyes and decided she just needed to say it. "I have a daughter, Milly. Well, her full name is Emily, and she's my adopted daughter, but she lives with me and… I'm her mother."
JJ's eyes widened and she sat up straight. "What?" she asked, sounding as shocked as she looked. "A daughter? How- Have you had a daughter this whole time?"
"I have," Emily confirmed, giving JJ a sheepish half-smile. "Her parents died about six months before I joined the BAU and the adoption became official… Wow, the day before we met, actually."
It took JJ a moment to form a response. She just looked floored that Emily had a daughter. Emily wondered if this was what she'd looked like when Hotch had appeared at her door with Milly nine months ago. It seemed crazy that she'd had Milly for so long now, but the two Emily Prentisses had grown close in that time. Despite how much she liked JJ, Emily knew that her reaction now, and how she got along with Milly, would really determine how they moved forward together.
"I can see it," JJ said finally, smiling kindly. She reached out and took Emily's hand. "I bet she already loves you. If she's as good of an Emily Prentiss as you are, then I'm sure we'll get along just fine."
Warmth bloomed in Emily's chest and the sincerity in JJ's voice. She hadn't realized how nervous she'd been to tell JJ. What if JJ thought Emily would be a bad parent? What if she'd decided not to stay over because she didn't want to interact with a child? Luckily, JJ was taking it in stride.
"She's a good kid," Emily told her, returning her smile. "I think she's really going to like you. And don't worry about tonight. I'll tell her that you're tired. She's really understanding." Laughing self-consciously, Emily raised an eyebrow. "You know how you help me with nightmares when we're on cases? She does the same thing at home."
"I'm glad," JJ murmured. She began to settle back against Emily again, her eyes drifting closed. "You need that."
Emily just nodded, heart racing at the care in JJ's voice. She wasn't used to being vulnerable like this and she and JJ had never talked about her nightmares outside of a hotel room. It felt meaningful that she mentioned it now, but she wasn't sure why. JJ was just too easy to talk to.
Suddenly remembering where they were, Emily looked at Hotch. He wasn't as tense as he had been before, his grip on the steering wheel relaxed and the hint of a smile on his lips. She was glad that JJ's acceptance of Milly made him feel better. She didn't need him to be even more upset with her than he already was.
They drove in silence again, but this time it was comfortable and Emily rested her head on JJ's, enjoying the closeness. It may have taken longer than she'd liked, but the team had been able to save JJ and Emily knew that, once JJ was safely tucked away in bed and resting, she would be overwhelmed with relief. She was exhausted after days without sleep and she was still running on adrenaline. Eventually, she'd succumb to sleep and be useless for a few days.
"You should take some time off, too," Hotch said softly as he took the exit to Fairfax. "She'll need someone with her."
Emily wanted to protest. Her instinctual need to deny weakness was pushing her to say 'no' and demand that she keep working. Then JJ snuggled further into her, squeezing her hand under the blanket and tucking her face into Emily's neck. The desire to take care of JJ overpowered the desire to reject help.
"Ok."
Their eyes met in the rearview mirror and Emily had to look away. There was understanding in Hotch's eyes and Emily didn't want to see it, choosing instead to cling to the animosity between them. It would be dangerous to let her team see her as anything but professional.
When they got to Hotch's house, Emily woke JJ up as he parked behind Haley's car. Hotch turned the car off and twisted in his seat to look back at them. He pointed to the house, indicating that he'd get Milly, and Emily nodded, gathering JJ's blanket in her arms.
It took Emily and JJ a couple of minutes to get themselves together and climb out of Hotch's car. JJ was still unsteady on her feet, wincing with every step, but she took her blanket from Emily and walked to the passenger seat of Emily's Lexus. Following close behind, Emily carried both of their go-bags to the backseat.
She put the bags down on the driveway and pulled out her keys. Emily wanted to get JJ into the car and covered with the blanket before Milly came outside. JJ's hair was still matted with blood and her face was scratched and bruised. Emily didn't want this to be Milly's first impression of JJ. She wished they could meet under happier circumstances, but at least they'd know each other now.
She was just pulling open the passenger door when the door to the house opened and Hotch and Milly came out. Milly ran straight to Emily, excited to see her again after a few days apart. When she saw JJ, hair and face still covered in dried blood and clutching her blanket like a lifeline, Milly slowed to a stop, eyes widening.
"Emily?" Milly asked in a tiny voice. "What's going on? Are you ok?"
Looking at JJ, Emily waited until she nodded before hurrying over to Milly. She squatted in front of her and took her bag. "Hey, I'm ok. We just had a rough case, that's all. JJ is going to stay with us for a bit, ok? She just needs some help for a couple days."
Milly licked her lips, still looking apprehensive, but she nodded. "Yeah. She's your friend?"
"My best friend," Emily corrected, keeping her eyes fixed on Milly. "I know we usually hang out when I get back early like this, but is it ok if we skip that tonight? I'll make it up to you. I can pick you up from school tomorrow and you can pick a movie to watch?"
Nodding, Milly tried to smile, but Emily could see the slight wobble of her lips. She hadn't thought at all about what seeing someone covered in blood would do to Milly. Had she seen her parents after the crash? Was this making Emily's job too real? Emily didn't have the answers, but Milly seemed to be holding it together and that had to be enough for now.
Standing, Emily took Milly's hand and led her to the car. She caught a glimpse of Hotch's face out of the corner of her eye. He was scowling again. So much for his hostility lessening.
JJ had climbed into the car while Emily talked to Milly, pretending not to listen as she covered herself with the blanket. Stopping beside the open door, Milly held her hand out, smiling politely. Emily bit her lip as JJ's eyebrows drew down and she reached out to shake Milly's hand.
"I'm Milly."
"Jennifer, but you can call me JJ." Her eyes flicked up to meet Emily's for a second before returning to Milly. "It's nice to meet you."
Milly just dropped JJ's hand and climbed into the backseat, sliding all the way across. Her nose wrinkled as she buckled her seatbelt, reminding Emily of how bad JJ must smell. She'd gotten desensitized to it after so many hours together.
Quickly putting the two agents' go-bags into the backseat, Emily shut the door before shutting JJ in and hurrying around the car. She gave Hotch a sharp nod, dropped into the driver's seat, and started them on the road home. It was almost funny how she was trapped in a small space with JJ and someone she was trying to hide her feelings from. First, she tried to pretend she only cared about JJ as a friend in front of Hotch and now she had to pretend in front of Milly.
She watched Milly through the rearview mirror, watching the way she was trying to control her breathing, eyes glued to the side of JJ's face. Emily was starting to regret agreeing to let JJ stay over. This was too much for the young girl.
"So," Milly tried, idly picking at her fingernails, "what happened?"
JJ looked at Emily, letting her take the lead. Emily almost wished she'd try to explain the situation to Milly. Emily was still trying to figure out how to water their work down to make it child-friendly.
"Um, we caught the guy," she answered vaguely. "He was...hurting people that he thought had committed a sin."
"Was he killing them?"
Flushing, Emily glanced at JJ, seeing her look away to hide a smirk. "Yeah. He was killing them."
Milly lapsed into contemplative silence again for a moment. As they headed into DC, JJ shifted in her seat to lean against the car door and watch Emily drive. She was curled up on the seat, completely tucked under the blanket. The angle made her face visible to Milly.
"What about you?" Milly asked JJ. "How did you get hurt? Did you commit a sin?"
"No," Emily said before JJ could even open her mouth. "She didn't. Hankel was just delusional." JJ gave her a grateful smile. "Sometimes the people we catch can't be reasoned with."
Milly sucked in a shaking breath. "So, he hurt you for no reason?"
JJ nodded slowly, looking into the backseat and trying to look reassuring. "Emily saved me, though. She found me and she saved me."
Her words barely seemed to register with Milly, who had begun to panic. She leaned forward to stare at Emily. "Could you get hurt like that? What if they didn't save you?"
"Hey," Emily stuttered, "no one is going to hurt me."
"But they hurt JJ! What if it was you? What if you died? You said they can't be reasoned with! What if I lost you, too?"
It was clear that the reality of Emily's job was finally hitting her. Emily had done a good job of keeping her unaware of the very real danger that came from being a profiler, choosing instead to frame it as something that took up a lot of time, but was usually pretty calm. However, seeing JJ, the evidence of her torture and trauma visible, showed Milly exactly what the job entailed.
Emily wasn't sure what to do. She'd never been very good at dealing with her own emotions, much less someone else's. Not to mention the fact that she was driving on the highway and couldn't just pull over. Milly began to cry and Emily felt herself start to panic, too.
Movement beside her distracted her and she managed to pull her focus back to the road. JJ had thrown her blanket off before unbuckling her seatbelt. She climbed between the seats into the back and took Milly in her arms, pulling her close. Despite the way JJ smelled, Milly hugged her back, crying into her shoulder.
"I'm fine," JJ told Milly softly, brushing her hand over curly black hair. "See? I'm totally fine. Emily saved me. She found out where I was, came to my rescue, and brought me home. I promise that I will do my best to always be there for her, too. If it's up to me, she'll never get hurt at all, but if she does, then I will always, always rescue her."
Milly sniffed, looking up at JJ. "She's all I have."
The small admission made Emily's heart clench. She was already making sure to call Milly as much as possible, but maybe that wasn't enough. Maybe she needed to think about Milly constantly and remind herself that she had someone waiting for her at home. She had a daughter waiting for her at home. She split her attention between the road and the rearview mirror.
"You can have me, too, if you want," JJ said. She put her hand under Milly's chin and smiled warmly. Milly blinked up at her with wonder and Emily recognized the look in her eyes. "You can have me and Emily, and Emily will have me and you. How does that sound? We'll all protect each other."
"That sounds good," Milly whispered. She tucked her head under JJ's chin and closed her eyes. "You can have me and Emily. Right, Emily?"
Emily blinked back tears as she nodded even though neither of them could see her. "Yeah. She's got us."
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They walked into the apartment just before midnight, Emily carrying their go-bags and only staggering slightly under the weight. Milly hurried in ahead of them with her own bag, running upstairs to her room. As Emily led JJ inside, Milly reappeared, leaning over the railing.
"I'm going to make you soup!" she yelled down. "Let me change first, though."
Emily realized how long it'd been since JJ'd eaten anything and she turned to her. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I should have made you food."
JJ smiled at her, shrugging. "I think I might be too upset to eat. I can try some soup, though."
"Ok, well, Milly is an amazing cook, so you're in good hands." Hesitating, Emily wrapped an arm around JJ and pulled her close. "I'm so sorry this happened to you. You can stay here as long as you need to."
JJ just sniffled, nodding sharply. "I really just want a shower."
"Then, let's get you a shower."
She pulled away from JJ just enough to walk her to the stairs. As they started upward, Milly came out of her room. She frowned and crossed her arms, staring down at them with a raised eyebrow. The expression looked so familiar that Emily winced, feeling JJ glance at her.
"Are you going to bed?" Milly asked. "I was going to make soup."
JJ smiled at her, still trying to be comforting even though it was obvious that the last bit of strength she had was waning. "I'm just going to shower. I'd love some soup."
Milly grinned. "Great!"
She moved aside so they could step onto the second floor landing. When they were clear, Milly raced downstairs, eager to get started and do something to help JJ. Emily smiled as she dropped their bags beside her bedroom door and led JJ down the hall to the bathroom.
"I think you have a new best friend," Emily murmured. "Should I be jealous?"
"Probably," JJ joked, her voice barely audible. "I don't know if I can talk to her much tonight."
Emily nodded, reaching out to open the bathroom door. "I know. She's really understanding. It's fine."
Smiling gratefully, JJ went into the bathroom and looked around. "It's weird to be in here," she muttered, sounding exhausted. Emily's heart went out to her as she did her best to stay nice and positive. "I've seen so many pictures."
"Does it live up to your expectations?"
JJ just shrugged. She gave Emily her blanket and blushed. "I'm going to get ready to shower."
"Oh, yeah." Emily blushed, too. She took a slow step backwards. "Um, there's soap, shampoo, conditioner, body scrub, other stuff in the shower. Let me get you a washcloth." She hurried to the small wooden cabinet beside the large jacuzzi tub and pulled out a couple of washcloths, and a large towel. Setting them on the edge of the tub closest to the corner shower, Emily smiled at JJ. "The shower is easy. Pull it out to turn it on, left is hot, right is cold." JJ nodded. "I'll... leave you to it, then."
Taking a few steps back, Emily turned around and left the bathroom, closing the door behind herself. She went to her bedroom, taking in their go-bags and looking around at the mess. If JJ was going to spend the night, then Emily should pick up. There were clothes tossed around the floor, books stacked randomly, and various cups of water on the bedside table.
She dropped the bags into a corner, put the blanket into her laundry basket, and started gathering the other dirty laundry. Once it was all put into her hamper, she changed her focus to her books, picking them up and putting them back onto the three bookshelves that lined one of her walls. Finally, she gathered the six glasses on her nightstand into her arms and left her room.
It only took her a minute to go downstairs into the kitchen. Milly was pouring soup from a pot into a bowl, biting her lip in concentration. Emily put the glasses into the sink and went to Milly, peering over her head into the bowl. It looked like chicken noodle soup.
"It's not much," Milly told her, putting the pot down onto the stove. "I used egg noodles, and it's mostly just chicken broth with some extra spices. I think she'll like it, though."
"She'll love it," Emily assured her. "Why don't you go get ready for bed? She's in the shower right now, so I'll just put this in the microwave and give it to her afterwards."
Milly nodded and ran away, heading back to her bedroom. Emily put the bowl into the microwave that sat above the stove. She moved the empty pot into the sink, double-checked that the stove was off, and started for the bathroom again.
Would it be weird to sit in the bathroom with her? Emily just didn't like being away from her like this. She knew that was dramatic and ridiculous, but JJ had been out of sight for so long and Emily knew how tired she was. So, she just wanted to keep an eye on her and make sure she was ok.
She stopped in front of the bathroom door and realized that the shower wasn't running. Had JJ already finished? It had only been a few minutes. It seemed unrealistic that JJ could have completely cleaned herself already.
Raising a hand to knock, Emily hesitated. She didn't want to be that weird lesbian who tried to sneak into her best friend's shower. It didn't help that JJ had just been tortured because of her sexuality. She didn't need Emily being weird. Still, Emily didn't want to leave JJ alone and find out in an hour that something terrible had happened.
Knocking on the door, Emily listened closely. "JJ?" she called. "Is everything ok?"
She heard some muffled noise and, a moment later, the door opened. JJ looked terrible. She was still completely dressed, but her face was red beneath the bruises. JJ was crying. She looked absolutely exhausted, pale and red at once, eyes hollow within dark circles. Her shoulders sagged when she saw Emily.
Her chin trembled as she swayed on her feet. "I can't undress," she whimpered. "Everything hurts. It's too hard."
"It's ok," Emily said comfortingly. She entered the bathroom and closed the door. Taking JJ by the shoulders, Emily guided her to the tub and sat her on the edge. "Do you want me to help you?"
JJ just nodded, wiping her eyes. Emily took a deep breath and gathered the bottom of JJ's sweatshirt, making sure to get her t-shirt, too. As slowly as possible, she lifted them, carefully pulling JJ's arms out of the sleeves, and then lifting them over her head. When JJ was free, Emily tossed the sweatshirt and shirt aside.
Weakly, JJ covered her bare chest, self-conscious even in her exhaustion. Emily knew that JJ didn't have anything to be self-conscious about, but she made sure to look away so JJ didn't feel any worse. JJ blushed as she realized that Emily was going to take off her pants and underwear. Emily gave her a small, calm smile as she took JJ's shoes and socks off. She knew that it was up to her to keep this from being awkward.
"Can you stand?" she asked JJ, setting the shoes and socks aside.
JJ hesitated for a moment, but put her hands on Emily's shoulders. They stood together, JJ's full weight on Emily. When they were steady, Emily slid her fingers into the waistband of JJ's sweatpants and underwear, pulling them down in one swift movement. She stared at JJ's feet as the weak woman freed herself.
Emily stood quickly, blinking nervously at JJ and making sure to only look at her face. "Ok. Do you think you can shower by yourself?"
"I don't know," JJ admitted quietly. "I don't feel well."
"That's to be expected," Emily replied, smiling. "I think it'd be weirder if you did feel well."
JJ didn't smile back. Instead, she just looked toward the shower. Like this, JJ seemed so small and frail. She was the same height as Emily, but she was trembling and thin and she looked so young. Emily wanted to kiss her forehead and tell her that everything would be ok. She didn't know that for a fact, though, and Emily tried not to lie anymore.
"I'm going to start the water, ok?"
Emily slowly let go of JJ, making sure she could stand before going to the shower. She pulled open the glass door, reaching in and turning the water on. Normally, she would shower in scalding water, but that would probably hurt on JJ's sensitive skin. So, she made it just warm enough to stand.
Turning back to JJ, she said, "Do you...want me to shower with you? We could sit?"
JJ nodded blearily, swaying on her feet. She stumbled forward to Emily, reaching out and falling into her arms. Carefully, Emily helped her into the shower, ignoring the way her sweatshirt immediately got soaked. She was still wearing her shoes, too, but she helped JJ sit on the ground before ducking back out of the shower.
She quickly stripped down, leaving everything in a pile by the sink before grabbing a washcloth and getting into the shower again. Gathering all the soaps she'd need, she sat behind JJ, crossing her legs and setting everything down beside them. The water felt cold against her skin compared to her usual temperature, but JJ wasn't complaining, so she left it the way it was.
JJ curled her knees up, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees. Emily just sat behind her for a moment, wondering how she was supposed to bathe her if she was all curled up like this. Deciding to start with JJ's hair, Emily picked up the shampoo and squeezed some into her hand. The smell of roses filled the air and JJ lifted her head.
She didn't say anything but she tilted her head back, letting the water soak her hair. Emily tried not to read too much into the fact that JJ knew it would be shampoo just by the smell. Why did JJ know what Emily's shampoo smelled like? Emily tried not to think too deeply into it. This wasn't about her.
Taking JJ's hair into her hands, Emily began to gently work the shampoo in, being careful not to tug or pull on knots. She worked quietly for a while, just cleaning JJ's hair, massaging her scalp, and getting all the blood and sweat out. It was easy to just sit silently and take care of the other woman. Emily wanted nothing more than to help her calm down and recover and JJ seemed to be happy about it.
Once she was satisfied with JJ's hair, Emily began to rinse the soap out. Just the one step made a world of difference and Emily marveled in the silky soft texture of JJ's blonde hair. It felt exactly the way she'd imagined. When the shampoo was gone, Emily filled a palm with conditioner and began the second step.
"You asked me about whether or not we heard about Ros," Emily murmured, speaking as quietly as the water allowed. JJ tensed in front of her. "We didn't hear anything, but… I'm sure it's - I guess, 'scary' isn't the right word, but I know I would hate it if people knew my secret and I didn't know theirs."
JJ turned her head, her hair falling out of Emily's hands. "It's not great."
"Right," Emily agreed. She reached out for JJ's hair again and JJ faced forward. "I thought I could tell you one of my secrets, so we'd be on equal ground again. Would that make you feel a little bit better?"
JJ took a shaky breath, but she nodded. With permission to talk given, Emily focused on JJ's hair again, working her fingers through it and making sure that the conditioner coated every strand. She knew that it was dangerous to give away a secret, but JJ deserved some kindness right now and this was all that Emily had to give.
"Milly isn't my adopted daughter," Emily told her. "Well, she is. I did have to adopt her, but...When I was at Yale, when I was 25, I felt a lot of pressure to be the perfect Ambassador's daughter that my mother wanted me to be. I already knew that I was a lesbian, but I also knew that I couldn't come out because it would hurt my mother's image. So, I started dating Daniel."
She began to rinse the conditioner out of JJ's hair, tilting her head back again. "He was smart, and kind, and a lawyer which I knew that my mother would love. He was a great guy and we got along really well. After a while of dating, I knew that I had to have sex with him. I mean, I'm sure he would have been ok with waiting longer, but… Sleeping with him seemed like a great way to solidify my heterosexuality."
JJ's hair was clean and Emily scooted to the side, moving around her to sit right in front of her. She smiled, crossing her legs again and resting her elbows on her knees. JJ was looking at her with exhausted, forlorn eyes, but she seemed to be listening so Emily kept going.
"It wasn't awful, but it was nothing like the stolen kisses I'd had with women before that. I knew right away that it just wasn't for me." Emily swallowed hard, surprised by the way the memories were affecting her. "I broke up with Daniel privately, but he agreed to still go to events with me. He was just the nicest guy. I mean, he was also interning with my mother, so it helped him, but still...I wasn't expecting him to be so nice."
She pushed her wet hair from her face. "Uh, I found out I was pregnant a couple of months later. I knew by then that I wanted to join the FBI, so having a kid was off the table. I didn't want to be tied down like that, but I knew it was Daniel's kid, too. He wanted it." Emily sighed, looking up at the shower head and avoiding the sympathy in JJ's eyes. "I hid away once I started showing. I gave birth. I...gave her up just like that. I didn't even put my name on the birth certificate. Daniel had started dating Caroline, in secret, about six months before and it was so obvious that they were soulmates. She was put as the birth mother. Milly grew up with them."
"Does she know?" JJ's voice was barely audible over the stream of water. "Milly. Does she know?"
"No," Emily answered sadly. "She thinks she was named after me because I was Caroline's best friend. The truth is that I barely knew Caroline. I saw her a few times over those six months, but I hadn't had that much contact with Daniel since I gave Milly away. I got a couple photos, but I was…" Emily caught herself, smiling tightly. "I wasn't in a place to get more information."
"Why now?"
The question was simple, but Emily understood it. "Hotch and Daniel worked for my mother at the same time, and I guess they stayed close when Hotch went into the FBI. He was acting as the executor of Daniel and Caroline's joint will. They left Milly to me." She frowned. "I'm not upset that I have Milly now, but I wish they'd asked me first. I feel like I was just about to have some stability and then I suddenly had a pre-teen to take care off. It was a lot at once."
She blinked, pulling herself back together and taking a deep breath. "Anyway. That's my secret. One for one."
"Thank you," JJ said softly. She reached a hand out, tucking a thick strand of wet hair behind Emily's ear. "I'll keep it for you."
Emily nodded, warmth filling her chest at JJ's kindness even when she was barely conscious. "Thank you, Jajye." Clapping her hands together, Emily gestured to JJ's body. "Let's get the rest of you cleaned up, so you can go to sleep."
Smiling sleepily, JJ stretched her legs out to one side of Emily, revealing her chest and a large tattoo. Emily leaned forward, too mesmerized by the image of a blackbird to realize that she was just staring at JJ's chest. Beneath JJ's breasts was a huge tattoo of a blackbird, its wings spread across her ribs, beak pointed upwards.
Emily traced the image with a reverent finger, running her fingertips over detailed feathers and sharp talons. The bird looked majestic, but dangerous. It was a warning and a greeting at once, both sharp and soft. Looking up into JJ's clear blue eyes, Emily smiled warmly.
"It's beautiful," Emily murmured. "I would never have guessed."
JJ's chin quivered and tears filled her eyes. "I like the song," she said, voice wobbling with emotion, "and the poem."
"I can guess Blackbird." Emily took her fingers away, picking up the washcloth and dumping soap onto it. The smell of sweet honeysuckle complimented the smell of rose, floral without being overwhelming. "What's the poem?"
"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches on the soul," JJ recited, her eyes fluttering shut. Emily froze. "And sings the tune without the words, never stops at all, and sweetest in the Gale is heard, and sore must be the storm, that could abash the little Bird that kept so many warm-"
"Je l'ai entendu dans la terre la plus froide," Emily interrupted, continuing the poem in the language she'd first heard it, "et sur la mer la plus étrange, Pourtant, jamais, dans Extrémité, Il m'a demandé une miette, de Moi."
Blood rushed in Emily's ears at the knowledge that they had tattoos that came from the same source. It was hard not to read it as a sign, but Emily knew better than to believe in fate. Just because they had matching tattoos didn't mean they were tied together. It just meant that they had similar exposure to literature.
"You know it?" JJ asked her. When Emily looked at her, she was flushed, cheeks pink beneath the stitches. The tears in her eyes were gone, replaced instead with the first glimmer of hope visible in her eyes since they'd been reunited. "Emily Dickinson."
"A better Emily," she joked, smiling weakly. Licking her lips, Emily reached for her left breast. She lifted it to reveal the tattoo of a feather. "I got it in Spain after… A bad situation. It's based on that poem."
JJ shivered and reminded them both of why they were still in the shower. Shifting, Emily leaned past her to move the handle, warming the water some more. She wanted to keep JJ warm until she could tuck her into bed.
She washed JJ carefully, starting with her arms before moving to her shoulders, her chest, her legs. It was easy to keep it casual when she was staring at the dried blood, sweat, and grime that covered JJ and reminded her of what she'd just been through. There was nothing less sexy than torture and trauma.
When she was moving to sit behind JJ again and wash her back, JJ's hand on her side stopped her. Looking down, Emily saw that JJ was tracing the tattoo on her side. She'd gotten it after Milly was born in a language she'd always loved.
"Goodbye," Emily told her, smiling when JJ glanced up at her. "It says 'goodbye' in Arabic. I got it after Milly."
"That's beautiful."
JJ's hand fell and Emily continued her move. It didn't take her long to finish cleaning JJ. When she was done, she washed herself quickly, knowing that she'd be upset tomorrow if she woke up with a few days' dirt on her. Satisfied, she shut the water off and climbed to her feet.
"Alright," she sighed, reaching down to JJ, "let's get you dried, dressed, and in bed."
JJ took Emily's hands and climbed to her feet. It was awkward with Emily doing most of the lifting, but they managed to get out of the shower. Emily jumped forward to grab the towel she'd set out on the edge of the tub and helped JJ wrap it around her.
"Sit," she told JJ. "I'll get your hair."
Half-asleep, JJ nodded and sat down, trusting Emily to catch her if she fell. Emily pulled two more towels out of the bathroom cabinet. She wrapped one around herself before grabbing a brush out of a drawer and sitting beside the tired blonde.
Gently, Emily dried her hair, rubbing it in the towel and doing her best not to disturb JJ too much. Now that the tired woman was almost asleep, Emily didn't want to wake her up too much. Hopefully, she could get JJ dressed and then she'd fall right asleep, resting all night long and waking up feeling better.
Brushing JJ's hair, Emily examined her profile. JJ was beautiful. There was no doubting that. Emily wondered what would happen between them now that JJ was out. It would take her a while to recover from all of this and Emily could wait. She'd wait as long as JJ needed her to.
When they were done, Emily stood and helped JJ up again. They started for the bedroom., Emily holding JJ's hand with hers and keeping her towel closed with the other. It was a short walk, but Emily couldn't help but be nervous that Milly was going to step out of her room and see them. It was impossible to mistake their nakedness for anything other than what it was.
Emily hurried into her bedroom, closing the door behind them. She looked at JJ, smiling softly as the other woman looked around the room. JJ was barely awake, but she was still trying to take in all the details. Emily just guided her toward the bed.
"Hold on," Emily instructed. "I'll get you underwear and a shirt."
She went to her dresser, pulling out a pair of plain black boyshorts and an oversized Yale t-shirt. Handing them to JJ, she stayed close as the tired woman stepped into the underwear and pulled the shirt over her head. Emily smiled, happy to see her moving a little easier. She was glad that the shower had helped her feel better.
When she was dressed, Emily helped her into bed, watching as she moved close to the wall and settled in. JJ was asleep immediately, curled into a ball and snoring softly. Emily took a moment to just take her in.
JJ looked so calm now, her face relaxed and body limp. She was still clearly hurt, the bruises and stitches on her face evidence enough. Still, she seemed peaceful at least and Emily felt a wave of relief wash over her. She hadn't managed to make JJ feel worse and that felt like a huge victory.
Emily got dressed herself, pulling on underwear and another large t-shirt. There was a small part of her that was enjoying the simple domesticity of showering together and sleeping together. It felt like a guilty pleasure, but it had been a very, very long time since she'd slept in a bed with someone other than her daughter.
Sliding under the blankets, Emily made sure to keep her distance from JJ. She didn't need the other woman waking up and feeling uncomfortable. However, as soon as she'd settled on her side, JJ was reaching out for her, tugging her close. Blushing, Emily tucked her head under JJ's, letting the sleeping woman hold her.
She started falling asleep faster than she expected. It felt amazing to be clean and warm and wrapped in JJ's arms. Closing her eyes, Emily relaxed, feeling like she could breathe for the first time in years. Focusing on JJ's soft snores, Emily drifted away.