Blonde

by coffee stain

What if Derek never let Addison back into the brownstone when he threw her out? Season one AU. Addison starts a new life and Derek struggles with his old one. (Addison-Meredith friendship, Addison/Derek, Addison/Alex)

9. Dirty Little Secret

If you reviewed the last chapter and didn't get a reply PM, it's because this site was stranger than usual after Halloween. I always reply to comments, so if there's nothing in your inbox, either I didn't get it or FFN ate it. Hopefully, this chapter will update as it should and you'll be able to read. Enjoy!

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CHAPTER 9:
"Dirty Little Secret"

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"Heard about your case. Well, I saw the police..." Torres slid onto the stool next to Karev's and patted his back. "You did something good today."

Alex shook his head and took a swig from his bottle. "I didn't do anything. I just let the kid talk." He was in a mood. It had been a bad day and he didn't really feel like company. Too many nasty memories being dredged up from the abyss.

The teenager and his mom had been in the car when his drunk father crashed the car and killed the driver of another vehicle. The mother was covering up what an reckless asshole her husband was and the poor kid ended up giving a chunk of his liver to the guy who couldn't keep his fists to himself.

"I think that's my point. You know how to handle kids. That's a skill," Torres nodded sagely. Alex wasn't so sure about that, but it was nice of her to say all the same.

In truth, he only knew what it was like being that kid. That was circumstance—the shittiest of luck—no skill required. "If you say so." Alex signaled the bartender, the guy standing in for Joe who was still recuperating. "Get the lady whatever she wants, on me."

"Thanks, Karev," Torres smiled at him and put in her order, while he glanced over his shoulder. Addie was sitting at a table in the corner. "Don't." He turned back to a gentle expression on his friend's face. "Sleep and work, Karev."

Yeah, that was... Alex was already doing that. Well, less with the sleep and more work, but neither thing seemed to help much. "He's staying in town." Shepherd kept showing up like a bad penny, everywhere, all of the time. Standing in hallways, way too close to women, with a dopey smile on his face that he probably thought was attractive.

"Uh-huh, yeah, I know," Callie drank from her bottle as Alex snuck another glance at Addie and Shepherd. They seemed to be in conversation, although Addie looked sad, so Alex didn't know how well that particular 'date' was going. "I think he signed his paperwork today. It's good for the hospital."

Alex didn't care about the hospital. He cared that Addie and her idiot husband were sitting about 12 feet away, having drinks. The sheer temerity of the dude rankled. Showing up two months after Addie moved away, out of state, with a swagger and an entitlement the size of Texas, expecting her to take him back as if he'd done nothing wrong. Like he wasn't a neglectful, cheating ass.

"It doesn't change a thing, Karev. You're here for surgery and you really need to stop staring at her like a hungry child." Callie frowned, shaking her head at him. It was all well and good for her to say, but the fact that he was... had feelings for Addie was making it slightly difficult for him to follow his friend's advice, well-meaning as it might be.

"What if I wasn't?" It was sort of half-formed thought, but he'd been thinking about it ever since Addie had her hand wrapped around his dick and he really didn't have anyone else to ask for advice on this. He could count on Torres to be straight with him and to be discreet, two qualities that were lacking in most of his other colleagues.

"Well, it would be a start," Callie rolled her eyes. "Look, man, I get it. She's very pretty and brilliant."

Alex gave her appraising look, not quite sure what she was getting at. Maybe he actually was as dense as everybody seemed to think he was? "Look at you, speaking The Vagina Monologues."

Callie frowned and shook her head, taking a sip from her drink as the bartender put it in front of her. "What? No, you're missing my point."

"I think your point was that she's attractive." He didn't need that pointed out to him, challenged though Alex might be, he actually had noticed that Addie was a beautiful woman. That was where all of his trouble had started.

"My point is that she's married to the blowhard sitting next to her, and even if she wasn't, Montgomery is still your boss," Torres sighed, disappointment clearly visible in her face. Which didn't feel great, given that Callie was one of the few people in Seattle he could actually call a friend, but Alex couldn't exactly help the way he felt.

"Well, what if she wasn't?" Alex insisted. He needed to do something. Something had to give.

"What do you mean?" Torres looked suspicious, her eyes narrowing. "You gonna go into neurosurgery?"

Alex snorted. Maybe when hell freezes over. "Well, I've had a lot of adolescent patients recently and like you said, I do well with that. Maybe pediatrics is more my speed?"

Callie looked horrified, like he'd just done something particularly boneheaded and didn't even have the good sense to realize it. "You're thinking about quitting neonatal because of a girl? Karev, I want to be supportive, but I'd be a spectacularly shitty friend, if I didn't tell you that's a really dumb idea."

Alex took a large gulp of his beer, wishing he'd had the foresight to order something stronger. Between Callie being surprisingly unsupportive and having to look at Addie out on a date with her asshat ex, his evening really wasn't going well. "What's wrong with Peds? I like kids, they like me, I think I'd be good at it. It's not like I can't still have a good career, even if I don't go into Neonatal."

Torres gave him an evaluating look and Alex wished he'd never brought up the subject. "There's nothing wrong with Peds, but be honest, Karev. Is it about you really wanting to go down that path, or is this about it being possible for you to put the moves on Montgomery, if you aren't studying under her?"

What was so wrong about choosing a girl over work? He could still be doing something he really enjoyed. No, it wasn't what Alex thought he'd be doing—he'd started residency with the clear goal of going into Plastics, but things change. As much as he'd bitched about the Vagina Squad, Alex loved working on the neonatal unit. The cases were challenging and every win was such a high. He also loved working with Montgomery, loved watching the rapid calculations of what she needed to do dance in her eyes as she examined or worked on a patient, but if it was a choice between working with Montgomery or being near Addie?

"Karev!" Torres snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Keep your eyes on the prize here. Montgomery is an actual world-class surgeon. If you do a neonatal specialization under her, the world is going to be your freakin' oyster." Alex could remember Addie tipping the oyster shell at her lips and the way her eyes closed when she swallowed... "Stop thinking with Little Willy for three seconds or, I swear to god, I will bitch slap your ass off that chair and the floor in here is really fucking dirty."

Whoa. Torres was kind of hot when she got pissed off. She lifted her ass off the stool and Alex mentally prepared himself for getting taken down by a girl. He had no doubt that Callie could take him out, but he wasn't going to smack a woman, even if the thought of wrestling her into a headlock on the dirty floor sounded like it could be kind of fun. Life could have been different if he'd met a different girl in the bar, but he hadn't and he was stuck with a choice to live for work, or work to live.

Callie put her hand into her back pocket and pulled something out, "You should hold on to this, as a good luck charm. You'll need one to light the way." She handed him his florescent condom back. "I'm going to the restroom. Don't let anyone spike my drink."

···

Addison exited the toilet stall with a small sigh. "Hello." She startled at the sound. Callie Torres was leaning against the sink. "How you doin' tonight?" This was weird and the other woman stared at her, making no move to do any of the things that you usually did in a restroom.

"Um," Addison approached the sink. "Oh, you know..." she turned on the water and pumped some soap into her hand. "You're, uh, having a good time?" She'd seen Torres and Karev sitting together up by the counter when she came in, but being in Derek's company, she hadn't approached them.

"Can't complain." Torres gave her an assessing look that was making Addison feel somewhat unsettled. She didn't know how she'd managed to offend the resident given that their paths had rarely crossed lately, but obviously something was amiss here. "How's your date?"

"Fine, I suppose." Addison busied herself with sudsing up her hands like she was scrubbing in for surgery. The truth was that coming here tonight was a bad idea, but Derek had been insistent on taking her out for a drink after her shift finished and she didn't know how to say no without seeming petty. "The bar isn't the same without Joe, but I suppose he'll be back here soon enough."

"Your guy did a good job," Torres shrugged, moving closer to Addison's sink. It felt like some kind of confrontation was mere moments away from happening and given that she still had no idea what was wrong, Addison felt like she was at a distinct disadvantage. "Montgomery, what's happening here?"

Uh? Addison plastered a bright smile onto her face as she held up her soapy hands in front of the other woman. "I'm washing my hands?"

"Good hygiene is commendable." Torres crossed her arms, looking more than a little frustrated. About what, Addison didn't know, but given that they were only fifteen seconds into this encounter she didn't know how she could possibly be responsible for the resident's bad night. "How close are you to deciding on someone for neonatal?"

That seemed non sequitur in general, but even more so for an orthopedic surgeon. "It's a little early for you to be looking for a fellowship, Torres." Not to mention that there was very little overlap between her field and neonatal surgery. Whatever way Addison ran her department had no impact whatsoever on Callie Torres.

The other woman toed the grouting at the floor tiles for a moment, before speaking again, "You know those cartoons where there's a bear, or whatever, and it's starving? It looks at a table and the table turns into this delicious cooked turkey with, like, lines of deliciousness coming off it." Um, what? Torres just stared at her, looking like she expected Addison to know what that meant.

"I'm supposed to be the bear and the interns are the turkey?" It was a strange metaphor for choosing students and it was also much too early to decide on anything. They were at the start of September, two months and some days into the program.

Right now, Grey was well-rounded and competent, hard working. She could turn into a very good neonatal surgeon and Karev had great instincts and a roguish charm that seemed to work well on pregnant women. Addison just wasn't going to tell Callie Torres about any of her mental deliberations because, hands down, if she was picking someone based on raw aptitude, Alex Karev would win the race every time, without fail. It was just more complicated than that, like everything else in her life.

Torres sighed like Addison was being particularly dense, which was ironic considering Addison wasn't the one making obscure cartoon references. "You're the turkey."

Maybe she was slow on the uptake, because it sure did sound like she was getting insulted for no apparent reason. Things had been off ever since she'd stepped into the restroom, but Addison still had no idea what was going on. She didn't like playing catch-up, but Torres clearly wanted something from her and the sooner Addison figured out what it was, the sooner she could get the hell out of here. "I'm not following."

Torres frowned, looking decidedly skeptical. "Look, Montgomery, I won't pretend to know what's going on in your marriage and I don't particularly care. But Karev's my friend and he's been staring at you like that hungry bear for the past thirty minutes. Do you really think your husband's not going to figure him out at some point? Or that he's going to take it well?"

Addison gripped the sides of the sink, feeling unexpectedly shaky. She'd been playing with fire, going out on dates with Alex and their on-call room encounter the previous night. Torres was right, somebody was bound to notice and then her life would be even more of a mess than it already was. Even worse, Karev would likely bear the brunt of the consequences.

"I get that it's probably good for the ego that the intern is following you around like a homeless puppy, but your brain surgeon husband is going to crush Karev when he notices. Egomaniac Neuro guys aren't big on residents eating with their eyes. You need to to pick Karev for Neonatal. Protect him."

She was right. Well, about Derek. If their marriage ended, he might take that out on Alex. Derek was petty and if he could see how Alex felt about her, he would make Karev's residency absolute hell. He would have that power now that he too was a full member of the surgical staff. If Addison picked Karev to be her protege, she could protect him from any reprisals, but she couldn't love him. Wouldn't be allowed to and the thought of being near him but not with him... She wasn't sure that was actually possible at this point.

"It's just a crush, Torres. It'll pass and Karev's a popular guy. Once he starts dating someone, Derek will lose interest in any of that." Addison tried to sound nonchalant, but she could feel her cheeks burning. "Besides, Derek's not a jealous guy." He didn't really care that she'd slept with Mark—it was more like Mark broke his toy, so he didn't want it anymore.

Torres' eyes narrowed, and Addison got the distinct sense that the other woman was a few exchanges from throwing down here in the ladies room. "Are you sleeping with him?"

"No!" Addison shook her head vehemently. That one night didn't count, seeing as she hadn't known she was his boss and neither of them had begun working at Seattle Grace at that point, and while their interlude in the on-call room was far from platonic, she wasn't about to admit to that either. "I'm his boss, Torres, and his teacher. I know Karev is your friend and you're looking out for him. That's great, it really is, but we're not sleeping together and nothing will happen to his career either."

Torres raised one eyebrow, looking extremely skeptical. Addison didn't know how well the other woman believed her, seeing as Torres was far from stupid, and she and Alex apparently hadn't been as discreet as she'd thought. "But something's going on, between the two of you."

Addison bit her lip and nodded slowly, staring at the floor to avoid seeing the expression on the other woman's face. "We're not sleeping together, but..." she sighed, not sure how to put into words what Alex Karev meant to her without sounding completely insane, or like she was using the intern to scratch an itch or get back at her husband. "I care about him and the last thing I want is for Karev to end up in trouble because of it."

···

Derek watched his wife make her way across the room, back to him. She waved at someone who called her name in greeting as they entered the bar and smiled at a couple of people sitting at a table on her path to him. Addison was clearly well-liked, that was hardly surprising, and Derek felt that familiar pride he used to feel, that she was there with him.

"I got you a refill," he gestured to her drink as she sat down next to him. "They all seem to know you."

She took a sip from her glass, "I think I might be the highest ranking member of staff in here, that's probably why." She shrugged, feeling the alcohol burn as it went down her throat, "and my hair. Makes me recognizable in a crowd."

He picked up a lock of hair and held it out in front of her face. "It's not the hair." Derek missed the red, though. Missed his Addison, which was ironic, yes, as he'd spent years ignoring that woman and now, what he had was a blonde Addison who was decidedly skittish with him. Not that he was blaming her, considering the way he'd acted in New York, but the thought of not having her in his life anymore made him feel like he couldn't breathe.

Addison plucked her hair from his hand and gave him a sad smile. "Maybe not. I don't know. Maybe everyone recognizes me from those damn billboards."

"There's one by my hotel," Derek commented. His room actually had a great view of it, although coming back to a hotel alone and then staring morosely at a billboard of his wife sounded too pathetic for words. "They're very... eye-catching."

"That was all Richard." Addison scowled, although thankfully, she didn't seem upset with him. Derek figured he should probably have a word with Richard about the pictures. They weren't really appropriate and Richard should have known better. "I'm hoping those monstrosities will be taken down or painted over, but so far it's not happening."

He covered her hand with his, "I'm sorry. It wasn't right of him to use your image like that, but you do look beautiful in them."

"I look like an adulterous whore," she whispered, looking very pale and not making eye contact with him. Derek had said some pretty nasty things to Addison when he left messages for her and this was the one he regretted the most. Well, one of them. Calling her names had been immature and using his knowledge of her insecurities was just cruel.

He scooted closer to her, thankful that she didn't seem to be pulling back or trying to move away. "I shouldn't have called you that." Slowly, her eyes turned up toward his. "No matter why I was angry, that was uncalled for." They stared at each other for a beat. "I'm sorry, Addison."

His wife's eyes turned watery, ever so slightly, as she looked away. She was trying to keep herself together, Derek knew, probably because she didn't want to cry in front of him. It didn't help either that half the hospital was at the bar tonight. Addison liked to compartmentalize, to separate Addie from Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, and letting her colleagues and her students see her tear up would be the last thing she wanted. Her intern, Karev, wasn't all that far away either. He seemed to be hanging out with Torres, but Derek had noticed him looking over at them a few times.

Sure enough, within a few seconds, Addison had pulled herself together. "It's not like I didn't deserve it," she commented, taking another gulp from her drink. "I cheated, right? That's the definition of adulterous right there."

Derek winced at her words, but took her hand and held it in his. "I'm partly to blame for that, Addison. Yes, what you did hurt me, but I'd been hurting you for a long time before that." He tried to remember the last time they'd gone out for drinks after work, like they were doing right now and drew a blank. It had probably been years since he'd made time for his wife and now they were both paying the price for his neglect.

"I left you to feel alone in our marriage and when we started dating, I did promise you that you would never have to feel lonely again." The Montgomery household was not a loving home and Derek had known Addison came with emotional baggage as her dowry. "I broke that promise, and I should never have called you a whore. That was just..." That was not the kind of man he wanted to be. It smacked of internalized misogyny and considering he'd been raised in a household with nearly all women, he deserved to feel ashamed of his behavior.

"You are not a whore." He caressed her cheek, wanting that physical connection, but most of all needing her to understand how sincere his words were. "You sought out comfort because you needed someone to be there, for you, because I wasn't."

Addison was fantastic at her job because she was a tactile person—a touch went a long way with both babies and pregnant women, but the same was true for Addison herself. A hug, a touch, peck on the cheek—those were all reassurances that yes, I see you and you're loved. Derek had been an idiot because he knew these things about her, just as he knew that Addison was loyal and kind, and wouldn't set out to hurt him.

···

She pushed the back-alley door open and escaped the din of the bar, and her husband. Derek had signed his contract today and was officially moving to Seattle. Addison felt like she was going to vomit. He was doing this for her, and they might still be Addison-and-Derek eventually, maybe, but she felt like she was going under, being swept out to sea. The wave of nausea became overwhelming and she rushed over to a trash can before the dry heaves took over.

"Addie?" Oh god. She moaned in reply. It wasn't like she was in a position to speak, currently, and the dumpsters smelled horrendous. "What are you doing out here?" His hand was on her back, warm and steady, breaking the anxious reaction her body was having.

She straightened up to look at him. "He's moving here." Alex nodded, his hazel eyes looking sad and Addison knew that was her fault. She did that to him. "Seattle was supposed to be my refuge, but he's everywhere. Chasing me through hallways, standing too close in the elevator."

"If you don't like him doing that, then he needs to stop." Alex frowned, but took her hand and gripped it tightly in his. She was playing with fire, Addison knew, anybody could come out here and see the two of them together, but what was she supposed to do? "Seriously, Addie, if he's harassing you, that's not okay."

"It's not that, that's just how Derek is." Addison blinked back tears, really not wanting to cry right here. She'd hurt the man standing in front of her, more than once and putting him in a position where he had to comfort her really wasn't fair to him. "It's fine, Karev. Forget I said anything."

Alex dropped her hand, looking honestly wounded and Addison felt a fresh stab of guilt. Everything she did ended up hurting someone she cared about, and her new life in Seattle was rapidly becoming more messy and complicated than the one she'd fled in New York. "I'm sorry I didn't come back, last night."

"I would have had to leave five minutes after that anyway. I kept getting paged." Alex tried to act nonchalant, like it didn't matter either way to him, but she knew it did. "It would have given new meaning to 'quickie,'" he chuckled and looked so adorably cute that Addison felt her heart squeeze painfully.

She wasn't sure how it happened, but she was in his arms and his body felt real and solid under her hands, and his lips were soft and warm and he tasted of beer. "I didn't leave with him," she mumbled. "I mean, I did, but nothing happened." Oh god, his mouth was finding its way down her neck to that one spot and her head lolled back.

Callie Torres had it all wrong. Addison was the starving bear, or whatever, and Alex had definite lines of deliciousness. She raked her fingers through his hair, enjoying the moment of intimacy. How was she supposed to give this up? She wasn't sure she could. Whenever Alex was near, he was all she could think about. Ever since their date, that hadn't been a date, but still was one, it was like something just... burst and the flood gates opened.

"You smell so good," Alex whispered close to her ear and Addison could feel the vibrations sending pleasant shivers down her spine.

"Yeah? That dumpster smells vile, though." She wrinkled her nose, but it was hard to care about garbage fumes when Alex was holding her close like this. As much as she had loved the surprise of seeing the sun rise with her husband, Addison had felt bereft at not being able to go back and finish what she started in the on-call room. She really was an adulterous whore.

He pulled back to look at the overflowing refuse, but still kept her in his arms. "Better than decomposing body."

"Maybe someone tossed durian in there?" She rested her head in the crook of his neck, hearing his heart beat reassuringly. Being with Alex felt calming, like nothing bad was going to happen as long as she was with him and considering how tense she typically was these days, a respite like this was very welcome. "You, on the other hand, Dr. Karev, smell quite nice."

"I try to practice good personal hygiene," he agreed, dropping a kiss on her forehead. She felt at peace for the first time all day and she knew she was being selfish by not giving this up, but she couldn't seem to help herself. "Seriously, though, are you okay, Addie?"

"I'll be fine," she assured him, lifting her head to give him what she hoped passed for a brave, reassuring smile. She should really put a stop to this, especially after her conversation with Torres this evening, but she just needed a little more of their closeness first. "It's just, it's been intense lately, with Derek showing up, but I can manage."

Alex looked at her for a long moment. "Where does he live, Addie? Is he staying with you and Meredith?"

She shook her head, "No, he's at a hotel. The Archfield." Addison wanted to be transparent, so that Alex could actually independently verify what she was saying, if he chose to. Trust needed to be earned and what she'd done to him the night of their date hadn't been right. "He wants to move in together, but I'm not..." She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself and to sound coherent. "I'm messed up and I don't want another roommate. His moving to Seattle... It doesn't really change any of what happened in New York."

Alex nodded, "I get that. I want to give you the space you need to think, but I'm also a little confused about where we actually stand, you and I. Does Shepherd know that you have a life out here, or does he think you've been pining away, waiting for him to show up?"

Addison grimaced, knowing that her answer to that question wouldn't be particularly satisfactory. "We haven't really talked that much yet. I think we're both afraid to..." she sighed, "to be honest," and pushed her hair back behind her ears. "I know that probably makes you feel like the dirty little secret and that's not fair to you. It's just... it's overwhelming, Derek suddenly wanting things from me. I've been trying to process everything, but it's taking longer than I thought."

Alex nodded, although Addison saw a flicker of disappointment flash across his face. It probably wasn't the answer he wanted to hear, but it was hard to give a clear answer when she was still so confused about how she felt. "Look, Addie, I know this is complicated for you, I get that. And I'm an intern and you're not, but you and I?" He looked tenderly at her and Addison could feel herself blush. "I think we could be really good together."

She locked her arms around his waist and drew him closer, his body warm and comforting against hers. "You and I without context would be fantastic, but Alex, we don't live in a little bubble, just the two of us." Alex Karev was a good man, better than she deserved and Addison could just about imagine the life they could have together. "You are an intern and you're young—there are all these experiences and discoveries ahead of you..."

Derek, for all his flaws, actually seemed like he might be serious about wanting to work on their marriage while Alex was a complete wild card. She couldn't just throw away a 15-year relationship in the hopes that this much younger guy wasn't simply sowing wild oats. When she told Torres that Karev was popular among the female staff, Addison hadn't been lying. As abrasive as he could be, Alex was also sweet and flirty when he wanted to and there were plenty of potential girlfriends who didn't have husbands, weren't his boss and were closer in age to him.

He pulled back from her, his face serious and searching, "You're saying I'm too much of a baby to know what I want? But you got married when you were younger than I am now. I worked for a couple of years after college, because my mom and younger siblings needed the support, so I'm not as freshly out of my nappies as you might think. There's been more to my life than frat parties, Addie." He looked affronted and she really didn't know how to put her insecurities into words that wouldn't hurt or offend.

"I didn't mean–"

"Does it embarrass you that I'm younger, less accomplished?" He lifted his chin, looking defiant and Addison shook her head, no of course not. Well, it did, a little. Not because he wasn't flashy enough, but she didn't want to be the boss sleeping with the hired help. She didn't want to be the Captain.

"My dad... He taught at medical school when I was a kid and he slept with students and lab assistants and secretaries—they were secretaries in those days—and I just don't want to be like him, taking advantage of someone who can't say no." She looked away, trying to pretend that the tears she could feel at the back of her throat were from the smell of the trash. "There can't be consent when I could ruin your life if you say no thanks. No matter how enthusiastic you think you are," she tugged the door open, "it's still coercion."

···

"Are you planning on dropping an anvil on his head?" Meredith asked as she walked over to where Karev was standing on the walk bridge overlooking the lobby. He cast her a glance and then returned to scowl at Shepherd who was in conversation with a patient's relatives down below. "Coffee?" She held out a cup to him.

For the last few days, Alex had walked around the hospital looking, and acting, like a bear with a sore paw. The rest of their cohort had told her that someone needed to deal with him and they had designated her the Karev Whisperer. They were currently lurking around the corner to make sure she didn't do a runner, but Meredith wasn't entirely certain she spoke Karev any better than they did. What was clearly bothering him was also an awkward topic for her because Addison was her friend and roommate, and boss.

"Thanks," Karev mumbled, but he didn't look away from Shepherd who was smiling and shaking hands downstairs. "We're completely different. He's all solicitous and smarmy. Concerned with appearances." Meredith leaned back against the railing, trying to get a good look at Alex's face. "When Addie told me she was married, I didn't picture someone like that." Addison had told him about Shepherd... before he showed up? "I thought he'd be some cocky bastard. Chatty, flirty."

Meredith smiled, "Bad boy with a heart of gold?" He shrugged. Shepherd seemed like he might be at least halfway decent, admitting to making mistakes and committed to doing better. From what Meredith had seen so far, he'd been working hard on getting his wife's attention. "He's a different kind of McDreamy, I guess." By the way Karev's shoulders tensed, that was the wrong thing to say.

She knew Addison was very conflicted, but apparently, she'd also told Alex about Shepherd's existence ahead of the guy appearing in the parking lot, which was more than she'd given Meredith, so that had to mean something, for sure. It was just that Karev had known Addison for all of ten weeks in comparison to the more than a decade she'd spent with the other guy.

"What am I, the Anti-Shep?" Alex gave her a dirty look, which Meredith didn't think was quite fair. She was trying to be supportive here, but it wasn't exactly her fault that Addison had married Shepherd back when Karev was still in high school. Not that she was going to point that out—she didn't think it would go over very well with this particular audience. "Am I just the guy who filled up her loneliness?"

It seemed like they had slightly more in common than nothing at all. For one, both guys were totally brooding over Addison. Shepherd was tempered with regrets and memories of a life built together, whereas Alex currently had all of his feelings coming out of his head like fireworks. He was in that stage of new love where you can't think straight, because all you can process is the smell and taste and feel of your infatuation, and it was going to land him in hot water.

"I know you hate him, but Shepherd works here now. He's our boss, and you don't have to like him, but he has all the power. We're interns, Alex, and Addison is his wife, and I think Shepherd is serious about getting her back. If he sees the way you look when you look at her..." Meredith silently cursed Callie Torres, for making her clean her house and getting her to care.

"How do I look?" Karev scowled at her before directing his glare back down to Shepherd. He was in a tough situation, Meredith knew, this couldn't be easy on him, but he needed to pull it together. "I think she broke up with me."

That... would explain the short-tempered, testy Karev they'd all been subjected to in the last few days. "I'm sorry, Alex. What happened?"

He signed heavily as he turned his head to look at her wearily. "The asshole down there, I assume." He looked dejected and Meredith squeezed his upper arm in sympathy. Being cast aside as not good enough was something she was familiar with, and all of the feelings that went along with it, so she wished she had the right words to say to Alex, but she knew well enough that they didn't really exist.

"There must be something to Shepherd, if she married him." Eleven years of marriage was a long time and even though they obviously had their problems, Meredith doubted that they would have remained together that long if there wasn't something substantial there. "You're one of the good ones, Alex. They just had this whole other life before we even met Addison where he played the guitar and wrote love songs for her. It's hard to fight shadows."

The corners of Alex's mouth twitched like there might be a smile lurking there despite his foul mood, "Not good songs, though."

"Probably not, no," Meredith chuckled. "Addison's just too kind to tell him to shut it." She could just picture it, Shepherd serenading her friend with heartfelt but embarrassing lyrics and Addison cringing on the inside because she didn't have the heart to tell him to stop. It was sweet, in a way. That couple was probably still there, somewhere, but Meredith didn't know where that left Alex who also was her friend, if Addison decided to stay with her husband.

It was tricky, being stuck in between.

She leaned her head against Alex's arm, smiling at how this whole thing had turned out. She was friends with Naked Pizza Thief. Karev looked surprised at the physical contact, "What are you doing?" It was fair enough. Meredith was usually drunk and inappropriate when they touched, so this must be a novel experience for him. Without vomit, too.

"We're having a moment. Be quiet before you ruin it."

···

Addison had been acting weird since they pulled up to the restaurant and Derek wasn't entirely certain what was up with that, but he wanted the evening to be a good one.

Because he didn't know Seattle, he had asked Burke for suggestions again. He'd been bang on the money with the park and the sunrise, so the cardio guy was becoming Derek's go-to for advice on romantic gestures, but this time, Addison seemed way more uneasy than she had been trekking through the dark. He'd wanted an unassuming restaurant, which would be intimate without pressure, so they could talk and Burke had assured him that the last time he's recommended this bistro to someone, it had been the perfect choice.

He opened the door and ushered his wife inside. She looked beautiful with her hair up and the length of her graceful neck was enticing him as they stood waiting to be seated. They were quickly whisked to a table and Derek ordered a bottle of red wine, not realizing until afterwards that maybe he'd made a wrong move. Addison loved red wine and French food, which is why he'd taken her here to begin with, but maybe making decisions on her behalf wasn't the smartest move on his part right now.

"I, uh, preordered the roast chicken," he admitted, figuring it was better to get that out in the open right away. Addison gave him a look that he couldn't quite read, but she didn't look pleased, meaning that he'd probably made a mistake there too. "We don't have to have that, if you don't want. We can order something else and bring the chicken with us. I just figured that it's your favorite and you've had a long day so waiting another hour to eat might not be so nice for you."

His wife gave him a shaky smile, and gripped his hand in hers. That made him feel a little better, although she still seemed tense and he didn't know why. "That was nice of you, Derek. Very thoughtful."

He shrugged, trying to seem casual. The truth was, this had been a lot harder than he'd expected, setting up a romantic date for his wife. He'd needed help from Burke and from Grey, whereas in the past he used to be able to do thoughtful, romantic things for Addison without thinking twice about it. "I, uh, I know I missed our last anniversary. And a lot of other things too."

"Well, you know, it wasn't a milestone or anything," Addison shrugged like their 11th was no big deal, but she also wouldn't look him in the eyes. He'd been there, physically, for their 10th, but he hadn't exactly been plugged in.

"I'm sorry, Addie. We'll do something nice for our 12th. Maybe I could whisk you away for a few days?" She turned to look at him, her eyes serious and more gray than blue. He knew he was being evaluated, but he had no idea what was going on in her head. He swirled the wine in his glass, taking a sip while waiting for her to decide on what to say.

"If we're going to actually talk about our marriage, there's something you need to know." Derek nodded, trying to look encouraging. He knew about Mark—obviously—about the affair and unless she was about to tell him that she was having Mark's baby, there was nothing Addison could throw at him that would derail this date. He was ready.

"I'm..." she stopped and wet her lips. Nervous. "I'm kind of..." She played with the stem of her glass and now he was beginning to get uneasy that maybe there was indeed a lovechild on the way. Derek didn't think she'd actually touched the wine.

"Are you pregnant?" The words just happened. He wasn't going to speak, but now, they hung in the air as his wife stared at him.

She frowned, "How can you be 'kind of pregnant'?" Then she waved the whole thing away, frustrated with him no doubt. "I was going to say that I might be seeing someone else."

"Oh." She was staring at him anxiously, waiting for a reaction, but to be honest Derek felt numb. He shouldn't be surprised, not really, the whole episode with Mark had made it abundantly clear that just because he'd forgotten that his wife was a desirable woman, it didn't mean that other men were also that clueless. "Is it... is it serious?"

Addison looked like she wanted to be elsewhere as she took a sip of her wine and then set the glass gingerly back onto the table. "It just happened. I met him right after I got out here, and honestly, Derek, I don't know how I feel right now. I know that's probably not the answer you were looking for, but it's the truth."

He swallowed hard as he stared down at the table, not knowing what he should do. Part of him wanted to know who the other guy was and part wanted to pretend like she'd never told him anything. This was his own fault, really, if he hadn't blown things so spectacularly in New York, then he wouldn't have to sit in Seattle listening to his wife tell him that she had feelings for another man.

"Where... um, where does that leave me?" Derek didn't want to put his words together in the wrong way, didn't want to sound accusatory, but he was faltering. "I mean, obviously, we're..." He raked his hand through his hair, feeling sucker punched, words and thoughts just failing him. "We're separated and you were, uh, I mean, I just signed on to work here and now, what's happening?" Did she just do this to get even? To show him what it felt like to have your whole life upended? "Do you... What about us, you and me?"

Addison took a moment before she spoke and Derek could feel his pulse speed up, waiting for the verdict. "It leaves us exactly where we are right now. Separated, talking about things." That... was not what he wanted to hear, but it was better than it could have been. The only problem was that he didn't know what that meant.

"So, I wait for you to decide if you like this guy better than me?" He really shouldn't have said that, but the hurt was beginning to set in and what the hell? His wife was dating some other man—he was entitled to feel both pain and rage, even if neither was pretty or just. Addison was his wife and the whole Mark affair was bad enough already. Derek didn't need more men trespassing on his territory.

She pressed her lips together, staring at him. Very, very unimpressed with his outburst. This was not the way to win her back. "I would hope," she said, taking another sip of wine, "you would engage in the conversation you yourself wanted to have, so we can explore if it's possible for us to reconcile." Addison tilted her head and narrowed her eyes, "None of that has anything to do with other people. We messed up our marriage—you and I—and whether we can fix that depends on how willing you are to actually be there, fixing things."

Derek took a deep breath, hoping that it would help to clear his head and let him act like a sane person. He desperately needed to be calm and reasonable if he didn't want his wife to walk out on him here, so he didn't have much room for error. "Look, I overreacted, okay? Of course I want to talk, and to fix things. I just... wasn't expecting this, that's all."

Addison sighed, looking miserable and Derek felt guilty all over again for what he'd reduced his wife to. "I really don't want to hurt you, Derek, and I know that moving to Seattle is a big concession on your part. It's just that if we're trying to make this work, we need to be honest with each other."

"Shepherd. Montgomery. I didn't expect to see you here." He looked up to see the diminutive resident from Seattle Grace standing next to their table, all dressed up and accompanied by a man Derek assumed was her significant other. She gave him a look like she thought he'd done something insipid yet again, which Derek hardly thought was fair. He was trying here, even if the universe seemed to be conspiring against him.

"Bailey!" Addison smiled, her first genuine smile of the evening. "A night out on the town? Hello," she stretched out her hand to greet Bailey's date, "I'm Addison Montgomery. I work with Miranda at the hospital."

The man shook her hand as Bailey replied, "This is my husband, Tucker. I'm hoping to finish dinner without getting paged."

Addison looked sympathetic and Derek half expected his wife to offer to go in to work instead of Bailey should the emergency call come. During their residency, they'd had any number of dates cut short by a pager going off. Usually, they'd both leave, together, having made arrangements to have their order delivered instead.

"We're celebrating our 10th anniversary tonight, so I would love to have my wife all night, but Seattle Grace tends to be fickle and cruel," Tucker shrugged and smiled.

"Ten years, wow, and look at you," Addison gushed, beaming at the couple standing in front of them. "Congratulations!"

Derek swallowed hard. This was not really a good turn, for his wife to be reminded of how he'd failed her. He could also see how Bailey's husband was casting side-eyes at his wedding band when Addison's hand was void of adornment.

"Yes, congratulations," he echoed once he finally got his voice to work properly. Even apart from the fact that he didn't want to annoy Bailey any further than he likely had, acting like a sane person with decent people skills couldn't hurt in terms of showing his wife that he was serious. "Ten years is quite an accomplishment."

Addison glanced at him, her eyes sad and Derek felt a fresh stab of guilt. He wondered if she was remembering their own ten year anniversary—he'd been pulled into the OR and as a result, stood her up at the restaurant, and the worst part was that he hadn't even realized it until the following day. No wonder Nancy had been so hard on him this summer—he'd been a perfect moron when it came to his marriage.

"Well, we won't keep you," Addison continued, recovering quickly as she smiled broadly at Bailey and her husband. She must have had to do a lot of that these last few years, Derek thought, his wife had gotten good at putting up a happy front. "Hopefully it'll be a quiet night at the hospital and the two of you can actually enjoy your dinner together."

···

Rounds had been, by and large, unremarkable. Everybody was bickering and Karev was in a mood, so everything was the way it usually was in the mornings. When Bailey called out that there was a surgical patient coming up from the pit, Meredith scrambled to grab her purchases from the vending machine and make her way over to the elevator with the others.

That was when she recognized her mother's voice. She was sitting on a gurney hollering about the incompetent care she was getting, but Meredith didn't manage to take in any more of that situation because there was a blur in a lab coat approaching her at fast clip. She was spun around and taken in a different direction, into an office.

"Meredith," Addison gripped her shoulders, her eyes full of concern. Which was nice of her, Meredith supposed, but it was her mother who was the patient and shouldn't she be out there doing something useful, seeing as she was next of kin. "How are you doing?"

"My mom's here." She glanced at the door, still not sure whether she should be in here or not, if it would seem like she was hiding. Not like her mother would notice, or care—even if she was lucid, Ellis Grey probably wouldn't want Meredith hanging around anyhow. "Why is my mom here? Alzheimer's isn't surgical."

"I think there's some abdominal issue. Meredith..." The other woman gently lifted her chin to look at her and Meredith could feel the burning sting of tears in her eyes. "Do you want the day off, or would you prefer to be on my service today?" Meredith blinked rapidly. She needed to keep busy, not think about how everybody would know that her mom had Alzheimer's and that their relationship was a morass of expectations she'd failed to live up to.

"I wanna work. You know my mom is... It's just better to work." Addison nodded and Meredith got the sense that maybe she could get through this day. Keeping busy and staying distracted was what she needed, and an exciting neonatal surgery wouldn't hurt either. At this point, she'd even welcome the other interns bitching about how Meredith got all the cool surgeries if it meant that they weren't gossiping about how her own mother considered her to be a massive disappointment.

Addison gave her an understanding smile. "That settles it, then. You're with me today, and Mer, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"Thanks," Meredith mumbled, looking down to hide the fact that her eyes were starting to tear up. People would know and people would talk, but that was beyond her control. "Chin up, I guess?"

Addison smiled, "Chin up, shoulders back. Good air in, bad air out." It sounded like something her friend might have told herself more than once. Maybe one of those Montgomery things? Being the daughter of a narcissist mother came with more steps than membership in AA, but Meredith could do this. She could put one foot in front of the other, even if she wasn't wearing a pair of fabulous heels, like Addison.

"Everybody's talking about me and my surprise husband, too. Just focus on work and in a few days, they will have found something else to gossip about." Addison gave her an understanding smile and Meredith actually felt a bit better, even though she knew the hospital grapevine was still talking about how Shepherd had shown up out of nowhere. How he was quite a good looking guy and a good surgeon too. Why would Montgomery have left him? None of the nurses on the surgical floor would kick him out of their bed.

That particular gossip mill was not about to let up anytime soon. Addison might be deluding herself there, but at least they'd be in good company, pretending that no one was talking about them behind their backs.

···

"Addie!" Alex grabbed her arm and yanked her into the supply room as she passed by. She stumbled a little before she straightened up and glared at him. She'd been elusive for the past week, ever since she blew him off by the dumpster, so he'd had to resort to lying in wait for her.

"Dr. Karev, I didn't know we had scheduled a secret meeting in a closet today." She was not pleased and Alex could sympathize with all of that. He hadn't meant to tug so hard, or to call her by the familiar, but he was slightly panicked by now. "You are not on my service. What are you even doing here?" Not happy, yeah. That made two of them.

"I'm sorry, but I'm with Shepherd. Why am I on his service?" Did he know? How was Alex supposed to work with, well, for Addie's ex? He needed directives, a manual... anything so he didn't fuck up and make things worse. "I have a mouth!"

Addie looked like she thought he might be cognitively challenged. "Well, how about you keep it shut and just do your job? See how that works out for you."

There was a knock on the door. "Are you all right in there?" It was Grey. Addie glared at him as if it was Alex's fault that they got company before she opened the door and waved at the other intern to get inside. "What are we doing?"

"Karev and I were just having a little chat about his assignment for today." Addie gave a tight smile, her eyes still flashing a warning at him to keep quiet.

It was actually quite hot and Alex felt sorry that Grey was in there with them. He wanted to talk to Addie, about the other night, about what she said outside Joe's. Then again, that was why Addie had pulled Grey in to begin with, she didn't want to be alone with him. That hurt, and he didn't understand how things had turned into this standoff.

"You're an intern, Karev. Residency isn't a box of chocolates. You don't get to pick and choose your attendings."

Grey glanced at him, still looking confused. "What are you on? What's wrong with your attending?"

Alex scowled. This discussion was not going the way he wanted it to and considering he was stuck with Addie's dipshit ex, his day was unlikely to get any better. "Look, I just don't think it's a good idea for Shepherd and me to be in the same room, okay? Why can't I go help out in the pit instead?" He was willing to do minor suturing all day, if he could just avoid the neuro guy.

"The woman handing out your assignments is about a foot shorter than I am. How could you possibly confuse me for your resident advisor? Bailey knows you have to do a Neuro rotation, so she's assigning you to what you need to do to actually become a surgeon. Do you want to be a surgeon, Karev, or do you just want to hide in this closet?"

Okay, yeah, so he'd really pissed her off now. There was rolling thunder in her eyes and Alex knew better than to say anything at all at this point. She wasn't Addie. This was Dr. Montgomery and he absolutely didn't want to fuck with her. Last time, he'd been on scut duty from hell and wasn't looking for a repeat. With the way this was going, he'd be doing scut for Shepherd until the cows came home.

"I can go do Neuro. I'm fine, really." Meredith nodded, looking like she might be slightly demented. "Just because my mom is in the hospital doesn't mean I need a babysitter." She was probably trying to help out, which Karev appreciated, but the best thing she could do, for both of them, was to shut the hell up. Addie might be sweet as anything, but Montgomery sure as hell wasn't and Grey would be insane to think she was immune to the wrath of their superior just because her mother was ill.

"You are both interns, which means I talk and you say, 'Yes, Dr. Montgomery.' Now, I'm going to leave and pretend I was never in this particular closet listening to you two wasting my time. Karev, get your ass to Neuro and Grey, you are my scut bitch for the day."

···

"Good morning, Dr. Shepherd." Meredith Grey was standing by an isolette, looking at a patient chart when Derek entered the NICU. He'd heard about the commotion surrounding Ellis Grey's arrival on the surgical floor and wasn't surprised to see the intern on Addison's service. His wife had a thing for saving wounded birds—that was why she was the best damn surgeon he'd met: her compassion.

He smiled at her, "Morning. How're you doing, Dr. Grey?" She wasn't the woman he was looking for, but he felt relieved to see that the jock, Karev, wasn't skulking about. Something about that guy just rubbed Derek the wrong way, so he'd requested Bailey to put him on Neuro service today. She'd looked at him suspiciously, like she might tell him off for meddling in how she ran things, but it turned out Karev had yet to work Neuro.

"My mother is in the hospital and everybody thinks I'm going to go mental, so all I get to do is stand here and hold a chart." She looked sad, kind of reminding him of Addison as of late. "Everybody knows my dirty little secret now." She held the binder out for him to take.

"I'm sorry–"

"Derek," Addison entered the room, plucking the chart from his hand as she scanned the pages. "What do you think? Can we save this baby today?" She passed the chart back to Grey.

Well, he hadn't seen any of the file yet, or examined the baby, but sure. Derek was ready to agree to whatever as he'd spent the last few nights sitting alone in his hotel room, contemplating his wife dating other men. That really needed to stop because he couldn't keep drinking everything in his minibar. Addison dressing up for someone else, laughing at what he said, touching his arm while they were in conversation and leaning in close to hear what he said. It just had to stop.

"We're certainly going to try." Derek peered down at the tiny infant, wondering how difficult it might be to save her. He was going to give it his all, there was no doubt about that, but he knew a thing or two about preemies from being married to a neonatal surgeon and being this premature was never good news. "What do we have here, Grey?"

Meredith flipped open the chart, looking relieved at the shift to a medical topic. "The patient is a newborn with an invasive mass. She's also premature, underweight and..." Meredith broke off, wincing, "and addicted to narcotics."

Well, this certainly wasn't going to be easy. Even if he operated, and the operation was successful, this child was going to have a tough future ahead of her. Then again, at least she'd have a chance, which wouldn't happen if he couldn't pull off this surgery. "Where's the mother?"

"Don't know, she took off right after the baby was born." Addison shrugged, trying to look nonchalant, but Derek knew his wife well enough to know that this had to be eating her up inside. She fought for the ones who didn't have anyone else—it was one of the things he'd loved about her—but it also meant that she got her heart broken over these cases. "A real candidate for Mother of the Year."

"There's more than one of them at the hospital today," Grey added glumly. She was clearly having a day of it.

"We should wait, see how she responds to the antibiotics. I don't want to make her life more painful than it has to be." Derek put his hand on Addison's back—a gesture of support, he told himself—but really, it was more about touching her. She moved, ever so subtly, away and looked suspicious, both of which hurt quite a bit, but at the same time, he knew that this was of his own doing so Derek was trying to be a big boy about it. "Grey, will you go check on the labs?"

When the intern left to room, he sat down in the rocking chair and just looked at Addison. He hadn't seen her since their date, when he dropped her off outside her house and wasn't invited in, for a drink or otherwise. Derek had tried for a goodnight kiss, but she'd turned her head and he'd kissed her cheek instead. That had been a good number of days ago and he wondered what Addison had done since then. If she'd been out on any other dates. If that other guy had been inside for drinks, and if she'd kissed him on the mouth at the end of the evening.

"The way I see it," he said desperate to lighten the moment, "we could deal with 'us' in one of three ways."

Addison turned around to look at him. "Option number one: you take me back, we have lots of sex and live happily ever after." Derek smiled, but she still looked wary, like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Option number two: you take me back, we do couples counseling, have lots of sex and live happily ever after."

She tilted her head, "What's option number three?" So the funny was clearly a miss, here. Addison was not having any of him trying to be cute and Derek wasn't sure if there was anything about him that she even liked anymore, which was a sobering revelation. They had been best friends, once and he knew for certain that she was still the love of his life.

"I don't know what the third option is," he sighed. Maybe the third option was just for him to sit there silently and stare at her like a hungry child. If she felt sorry for him, maybe she'd take him home. They could have lots of sex and live happily ever after.

···

Meredith looked from Karev over to Shepherd and back again. They were standing on either side of the patient's bedside and seemed to just be sizing each other up. Maybe deciding if they were going to whip 'em out and measure. It was ridiculous. She'd seen them both, in her kitchen no less, and neither man had a reason to feel embarrassed. Not that any of that mattered to the care of this poor girl who had the worst blush Meredith had ever seen, particularly as both of them seemed to go out of their way to be dreamy toward her.

Seriously, though, very weird and awkward too.

They'd all been standing in here for the better part of a minute and the two men were still staring at each other. This was supposed to be a teaching hospital, after all, not a pissing contest and their patient didn't have the luxury of waiting around for them to finish whatever the hell it was that they were doing. "Um, Dr. Shepherd? What treatment plan do you suggest?"

She was not the attending and Meredith probably should have stayed put in the Neonatal wing instead of running around the hospital spying on her mother and Addison's suitors. Montgomery would not be happy and Meredith's only hope consisted of her being less happy with the men, so that it would overshadow her own vanishing act, but Karev was her... Meredith wasn't quite sure what he was. Her brother-in-arms, she supposed and he would do something stupid if someone didn't supervise this encounter.

"Take her to pre-op and alert the OR. You can scrub in, Grey," with that Shepherd turned and left the room.

"Dude..." Karev looked gobsmacked, as if he wondered if that had actually happened. "I'm the one who's assigned to this case, why are you scrubbing in?" They moved to the hallway, not really wanting to have this conversation in front of an anxious patient.

"I don't know, I didn't ask for the case!" Meredith protested, feeling like this whole thing was slightly unfair. Not that she didn't want some OR time, or to learn neuro, but this wasn't her case and she wasn't even remotely up to speed on who the patient was or what she needed. "You were here, you saw what happened."

"Well, this is just fantastic," Karev scowled, snatching up the chart and scribbling a note in there. He didn't look like he was having the best day either, although, at least he didn't have his mother in the hospital shouting at the staff and complaining about what a useless child he was. "Aren't you supposed to be on Montgomery's service today? This is what I was trying to avoid this morning. I swear, Shepherd hates me."

"Does he know?" Meredith asked tentatively, not wanting to seem like she was rubbing it in that she'd gotten a neuro case handed to her. "About you and Addison? Is that why he did that to you?"

Karev looked sullen. "What's there to know? I called her a nurse and thought Montgomery was a dude." Okay, so Meredith wasn't sure of much today, but she did have it straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak, that the other woman was falling for Alex and he himself had asked her for advice, so there was definitely stuff to know. "He's the one who's sleeping with her, you have to know that. You live in the same house." Oh, so he knew that. Well, yeah, that was also stuff to know, Meredith supposed.

"I don't think they're sleeping together," she shook her head. "They went to dinner a few nights ago, to talk I think, but Addison came home alone." Meredith looked over her fellow intern, not sure which words would help. He looked tired, but anyone would with their massive 18-hour shifts.

"She did?" Karev brightened, and Meredith suppressed the need to roll her eyes. The other intern was her friend and mostly not too annoying—he wasn't perky and enthusiastic like Stevens and O'Malley, but he clearly had it bad for Addison and Derek Shepherd wasn't stupid. A bit self-absorbed, maybe, but he would notice sooner or later that Karev had the hots for his wife and at that point, the shit very well might hit the fan.

"Look, Alex, I know this isn't easy for you, but your being petulant doesn't help," Meredith pointed out. Addison had been anything but happy after the whole linen closet encounter—she'd been looking tired and stressed ever since Shepherd showed up in Seattle and having Alex sulk over their... whatever-it-was cooling off was neither attractive nor romantic, nor going to get Addison to choose him over the guy who wasn't throwing tantrums. "And you picking a fight with Shepherd isn't going to make things better."

Karev sighed as he nodded his head slowly, still looking unhappy. "I'll try to play nice, Grey, but the guy is an ass. You saw how he just threw me off a case for no reason. I mean, what the hell was that?" He stuffed his hands into his pockets as they made their way down the hallway just in time to hear George O'Malley getting told off about all the ways in which Thatcher Grey failed to live up to any expectations.

···

Montgomery was sitting by the isolette, letting the preemie have a little human touch, by the looks of it. She looked worried, and for good reason, the baby was tiny and in pain. Alex paused for a second, to drink Addie in. He missed the moments they used to have—snatches of conversation in between patients, really, but they steadied him, carried him through his shifts—but everything had changed drastically since that night in the on-call room.

"I have the test results, but it doesn't look good." Junkies just shouldn't have children. The miserable life this kid would have, if she even survived, was just too horrible to think about. This was why he had wanted Plastics—they'd signed up for the pain, a baby hadn't gotten to make any choices at all.

Addie looked up, surprised to see him, no doubt. "I know," Alex shrugged. "Grey's in surgery, the endoscopic thoracic sympathectomy, so I got your labs." Montgomery frowned and he could just see her thinking that he said something to get himself thrown off the service. "I didn't do anything. He just picked Grey." She waved at him to give her the report and he watched her hopes get dashed.

"It's a resistant strain of pneumococcus. We won't be operating..." Montgomery sighed and looked back up at him, her eyes large and sad. "You should talk to Bailey, get yourself reassigned somewhere."

"Is this how it's going to be? If you don't want to date me, you can just say so." Alex was frustrated and angry because he didn't know what he'd done wrong and he was definitely getting punished. "Pushing me out, not giving me training—that's using that power differential you talked about against me. If you feel uncomfortable teaching me because Shepherd might figure out your dirty little secret, that's your problem."

She rose to her full height, not unlike a menacing cobra. "I have told you that you have to rotate through the departments. Your resident assigns your cases. None of that is my doing and once you show up on my service again, Karev, you had better have lost that attitude." Montgomery opened the door for him to leave.

He looked at her, trying to see the woman underneath the intimidating facade. Addie wasn't so different from his string of adolescent patients. Kids lashed out because they were scared, felt like they were out of options, their lack of control. She'd lost her tenuous hold of the situation when Shepherd decided to move to Seattle and she must be scared that she could no longer direct her own life.

"Stop looking at me like that," she said darkly.

Alex tilted his head, trying to project calm and compartmentalize his own turbulent feelings long enough to fix whatever had spooked the shit out of her. "Like what?"

"Like you've seen me naked." They both knew she didn't mean that literally.

Alex had seen her vulnerability and that was far more frightening to Addison Montgomery than someone seeing her without clothes. They were similar that way—neither liked to be caught with their mask off. She hid behind being the consummate professional and he retreated behind flippant comments and a facade of bravado. Emotional honesty was a weakness for others to exploit.

"You've seen me naked too." Alex really wasn't good at relationships or romance and he wasn't a brain surgeon or terribly sophisticated. He was from Iowa and had only gotten to go to college on a sports scholarship. Addie was everything he wasn't, and so far out of his league he might as well be shooting for the moon, but he'd never felt as alive or accepted as when he was around her.

The thought of a relationship frightened him senseless—commitment and living up to someone's expectations... not being a massive disappointment. As a foster child, you learned quickly to keep your emotions to yourself and not depend on anyone for comfort, love or trust. He had no idea how to be what Addie needed, no one had taught him even the basics of a healthy relationship. His mother had schizophrenia and his father was an abusive drunkard. 17 foster placements in 5 years and a stint in juvie had taught Alex self-reliance and not to care who liked him.

Because no one would. That was just life when you grew up as a throwaway child. Love was unattainable.

"Alex..." He realized that he'd moved toward Addie, her face achingly close to his. He could feel her chest rising and falling, her breath on his face. Alex wanted to kiss her and with the way her gaze flickered to his lips, she wanted that too. "You have to leave." Her eyes were a maelstrom of sadness. "Go."

···

"So your mom, huh?" Torres sat down on the bench next to her and she nodded mutely. "That sucks."

"Yeah." Meredith scuffed her sneaker on the ground. She hadn't been wild about everyone thinking she was an entitled snot whose mom pulled strings for her, but having everyone pity her wasn't part of the plan either. "She always thought I was a disappointment, that's not anything new, but I could have done without her sharing with the entire hospital."

"Parents are a bit... and Alzheimer patients, they say all kinds of stuff, like talking about farts while you're in a fancy restaurant. No filters. It doesn't really mean anything," Callie shrugged, leaning her shoulder against Meredith's.

The human contact felt good, Meredith had to admit, even though it didn't change the fact that the whole hospital knew how she'd failed to live up to her mother's expectations. "How do you figure?"

"We all have weird stray thoughts that we would never say out loud. They don't represent who we are or really, what we think, so we suppress them." Torres gave her a knowing look and Meredith nodded slowly in response. Granted, her mother had been very clear about her opinions on Meredith's choices way before she got sick, but she appreciated that Torres was trying.

"I scrubbed in on a surgery today where the patient blushed all the time. She couldn't hide anything." Meredith's heart had gone out to the girl, imagining what it would be like to live with a body that told your secrets to the world. "At least I don't have to deal with that, you know? It could be way worse, my stuff."

Callie nodded, "Who'd want to live like that, broadcasting every emotion they have? Alzheimer's like that too and for what it's worth, I think you're pretty badass, Grey." Torres smiled at her, not in a pitying way but in a way that made Meredith feel that the other woman just might be serious, and right about what she was saying. "You've got a shitty situation right now, but you're not whining, or hiding or complaining. You're here, doing your job and making other people's lives better. That says something about the kind of person you are."

She really had to start making her own way, Meredith knew that. Stop letting her mother define who she was, but it was difficult when you had internalized all the criticism. At this point, it was a script running independently in her head and she didn't know how to stop it. After all, plenty of people had it way worse than her. What were hurtful words in comparison to beatings, hunger, abuse...? The list was never-ending, really.

"Do you wanna go for a drink?" she surprised herself by asking, and Torres too, from the look on her face, but she nodded in response. Meredith needed to surround herself with people who thought she could be badass. Maybe her mother's voice at the back of her mind would grow fainter, if she could add a counterpoint in these friends that she was making. "You like tequila?"

···

"Okay, baby, I know you're in pain and life is really hard, but you and I, we're going to have a little bit of a cuddle." Alex tried to arrange the leads just so as he leaned back in the rocking chair, the preemie placed on his chest for some skin-to-skin comfort with a colorful blanket over them. "We need to get your stats up, so you can have that surgery."

The baby moved ever so slightly, and Alex held his breath for a beat, hoping he hadn't increased the level of pain. "I know everything feels pretty shitty right now and that you're not strong enough to fight this on your own, but that's why you've got me here." He carefully supported her back, wanting to actively touch as little as possible, so her discomfort didn't get any worse than it already was. "I'll fight for you. You just rest right there."

"Kangaroo care..." Alex looked up, being careful not to move or disturb the infant, to see Shepherd standing in the door. "I thought Grey was on this case." Of course the ass was hoping for a shirtless female. "The two of you look quite cozy there."

"I figured that if we can improve her stats, she'll have a better chance of making it through the surgery." This was good, this was what he needed to focus on. Just like Torres had been nagging him, if he just zeroed in on work, then he would come out of everything okay. "I know she has a tough road ahead of her, but this little girl needs all the help she can get."

Shepherd stepped inside, flipping through the chart. "Addie said we're letting her go. Did she change her mind?" He sighed, reading through the information. "She always does this, gets attached to a hopeless case. Refusing to let go."

So, Addie had a history of championing the underdog. That was... useful information. Alex smiled at the other man, "Doesn't hurt to give it a try. Women in general respond well to a little TLC, so it's worth a shot." He watched the other man narrow his eyes at him before he turned his attention back to the baby, gently stroking her cheek with his fingertip. "I've got you."

"You like children?" The question startled him; Alex hadn't given it much thought. "It's nice to imagine the great lives they will have once they get to go home from here. Science camp and guitar lessons, too much ice cream on their birthdays and sneaking down to spy on Santa at Christmas."

"Hmm... You've spent time on my wife's service." Yes, he had. When Addie spoke about things like these, Alex listened more to the timbre of her voice than to her words. The pain of rejection, the fear of being unlovable—key components of who she was—what Shepherd had made of her. "Are you looking to go into fetal surgery?"

Alex chuckled, "Being a double board certified badass with a ton of acronyms behind your name looks pretty good from here."

"Mm, Addie is one of a kind, even among other neonatal specialists." Shepherd stared at the patient chart. "If those stats don't come up, she won't make it off the table." The guy actually seemed like he wanted to make it work, somehow. He just didn't know how.

Karev looked down at the baby, still amazed at how tiny she was. It wasn't like he hadn't seen other preemies before, working on Montgomery's service, but Alex knew what it was like to be on your own and she was still so little. "I'm hoping this might help get her to a place where she at least has a chance."

Shepherd nodded slowly, his expression unreadable. "That sounds like something my wife would say, back when she was a resident. You've clearly learned some things from her."

Karev shrugged his free shoulder, not knowing what to make of the guy's comment. Shepherd actually seemed somewhat human here, which was good for their tiny patient, but on the other hand, he was still a self-absorbed asshat who'd driven his wife away through his own actions. Torres really should be proud of Alex for making it through this conversation so far.

"Did she do, um, a kangaroo hold too? When she was a resident?" Shepherd's gaze snapped to him. It felt unsettling, like the dude knew something was off and wouldn't stop till he found it. The last thing Alex needed was to call Shepherd's attention to himself right now. "I just mean, she knows a lot about preemies, so she must have had a great teacher herself."

Shepherd's expression softened somewhat, which was a relief. Alex didn't really need a brawl with the dude in the NICU, while holding an extremely vulnerable patient, followed by the mother of all tongue-lashings from Montgomery. "Addison was the top student in our cohort, hands down. Don't tell her that I told you this, because she likes to keep it business with her students, but I used to come into the NICU when we were residents and find her sitting just like you are now. She always had a soft spot for those little ones."

Alex swallowed, not sure if the emotion he was feeling was at the image of a young Addie spending her nights holding tiny babies, or at the unsettling realization that Shepherd sounded proud of his wife, like she actually meant something to him. But if that was the case, why had they even separated? Alex knew that if he was ever lucky enough to actually be with Addie, he would never take her for granted.

···

Addison stood by the railing, the wind whipping through her hair. It was a bright, clear day and Derek had been most insistent that they take the ferry together, probably because he'd always loved them. Back in New York they used to ride the Staten Island ferry together on their rare shared days off, just for fun, but this was Seattle and they weren't those people anymore.

Still, though, he was trying and that should count for something. It was beautiful out here on the water, and they had an excellent view of the Seattle skyline as the boat pulled away from port. She'd been on the ferry once before, when she'd taken it to Bainbridge before Derek had arrived in Seattle and that trip, while offering beautiful views, had also been sad and lonely. Addison hoped that today would go better.

"You look beautiful," Derek smiled at her and she felt awkward under his gaze. "I'm so happy they have ferryboats here! Can you believe it?" He looked like a little boy, all excited about his discovery and it made her smile. This was the Derek of so long ago, who'd convinced her that maybe she could be capable of a healthy, loving relationship despite her dismal upbringing.

"You love ferryboats," Addison confirmed and he hugged her to his side. Tentatively, she leaned in, resting her head on his shoulder. It should have been natural and instinctive, but she wasn't sure if it was welcome. Old Derek never minded her need for tactile reassurance and New Derek was surprisingly affectionate, but Regular Derek didn't have time for tenderness.

There were too many Dereks, confusing her further. New Derek was sweet and thoughtful and hard to resist, but how did she know that he wouldn't turn back into Regular Derek the moment she took him back? She did want to have lots of sex and live happily ever after, but that was far from a sure bet with Derek, regardless of how he tried to cajole her in the NICU. She didn't trust him anymore.

"It's different, from New York, but that's not a bad thing," her husband commented as his arm tightened around her. "I'm starting to see why you like it out here. The fact that you can be in the city and at the same time so close to nature... that's really something."

Addison raised an eyebrow, trying to look stern as she looked up from the water into his blue eyes. "Did I just hear Derek Shepherd compliment Seattle? I thought you were a New Yorker, biologically programmed to hate everywhere that's not Manhattan. Or have you changed?"

"I think I might have changed," Derek agreed amenably, flashing her that smile of his before taking on a more serious expression. "I had a lot of time to think when I was on my own in New York, and you deserve so much better from me, Addie." She swallowed hard, didn't know how to respond to that, but didn't quite get a chance to anyway, "As far as hating everywhere that's not Manhattan, I have everything I actually need right here. I can see that now."

He pulled her into an actual hug and Addison felt herself melting into his body. Derek was warm and being sweet, and she wanted this to be real. This—them, together—was all she ever really wanted. She'd grown up lonely, awkward and unloved, and then, at the cusp of actual adulthood, she'd met Derek and seen him with his sisters and mom, and she'd wanted so badly to be a part of that. She'd fallen in love with the whole fantasy of belonging to a loud, boisterous family that really cared about and for each other.

"I want this to work, Addison. For Seattle to be a fresh start for us." He framed her face in his hands, kissing her gently, tenderly and she didn't want it to stop. "I will romance you if you give me a chance."

This was the Derek she'd fallen in love with, the one who'd brought her snacks on their study breaks in med school, and sent her flowers for no reason at all and wrote sweet, romantic notes that he slipped into her locker for her to find. If she knew that this Derek would be around forever then Addison would happily agree to let him romance her because she knew that they would have their happily ever after.

He must have sensed her hesitation because Derek brushed a lock of hair out of her eyes before gripping her hands tightly. "I know I hurt you and that it's going to take time for you to learn to trust me again. I get that, and I'll do whatever it takes to show you that I'm serious." Addison found herself blinking back tears as her husband's blue eyes stared into hers. "You're the love of my life, Addie."

Derek reached into his jacket pocket and, to Addison's astonishment, pulled out a small box. What was he doing? What was this? It almost looked like he was about to propose except they'd been married for eleven years and he'd already given her rings. "Derek...?"

"Addison." Her name was a sigh on his lips, his expression soft as the corners of his mouth lifted into a smile. "I know you're already my wife—thank you, by the way, for marrying me in the first place," Derek kissed her cheek softly, "and that your rings are probably somewhere safe. Hopefully not in Puget Sound," he looked rueful as he glanced out at the water, "but I didn't do so well with the first decade of the rest of our lives, so I'm asking you here," he placed her hand on top of his heart so she felt its reassuring beat underneath her palm, "in front of all these random people who are staring at us, if you'd let me put this ring on your finger."

He opened the ring box. "Addison..." The ring was smaller than her regular ones. Delicate and beautiful. "Please, save me from squatting on my sister's lawn. Let me die in your arms when I'm old and toothless. I know I haven't deserved your love, but please, marry me anyway. Again."

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