Title: The Brief Time That It Lasts Summary:
Author: worldwnomirrors
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC17
AN: I am really excited about this chapter because I like it a lot. First of all I think it's the longest one yet, and second of all, a lot of stuff is being dealt with in it, there are a lot of different kinds of scenes. Third of all, there is both pain and fluff. I really hope you guys like it as much as I do! Enjoy!
CHAPTER NINE
Loving You Is Easy
-Callie-
"Hello?"
"In here!"
A wide smile stretched across my face at the sound of Arizona's voice as I closed the door behind me. I loved coming home to her, and I just threw my bag and my jacket on the floor as I walked into the kitchen, eager to see her. I had had the longest day at school and I was so relieved to finally be home. My skin was tingling, just waiting to feel Arizona's against it; my body was calling out to hers.
"Hi," I greeted her as I walked into the kitchen where she was standing by the stove.
"Hey," she replied as she turned her head to me and flashed me her best dimpled smile.
I swiftly walked up behind her and wrapped my arms around her from behind, hugging her slender waist, burrowing my face into her hair in the crook of her neck and breathing her in.
"What a long, long day," I stated as I felt her free hand come up to cup my cheek. "I missed you."
She chuckled lightly. "Missed you too," she echoed. "Always miss you when you're anywhere but with me."
"Cheese," I mocked playfully at her sweet statement.
"Yep, and lots of it," she said as she dropped her hand from my cheek and added some salt and pepper to the food on the stove. "Wanna taste it and see if it's edible?"
I laughed at the fact that my teasing had gone completely past her.
"What?" she asked.
"Nothing babe," I said and kissed her cheek. "Okay, let me taste, it looks delicious."
Grabbing a fork, she scooped up some pasta and cheese and whatever else was in there, and turned in my arms and brought the fork to my mouth. She looked at me in anticipation as I took the forkful of food into my mouth and chewed.
"Mm," I moaned, "that is a lot of cheese."
"You like it?"
"Mm-hm," I said and nodded at her and she smiled triumphantly. "Give me another bite," I requested when I had swallowed.
She scooped up some more and then gazed at me as I ate, almost as if she was worried I would change my mind about it being good.
"Oh, that is so good, I want more."
Arizona smiled. "It needs to simmer for a little while longer, but then we can eat. Will you set the table while I start washing the dishes?"
I left a quick kiss at her neck. "Sure thing," I said as I slipped my arms from around her waist. "So, how was therapy today?" I asked and reached up and opened the cupboard to take out two plates.
Arizona had been to her seventh therapy session this morning, and the past week she had been feeling noticeably better. It had been three weeks since we had gotten back together. We were doing good, it felt good. We weren't rushing things though, because Arizona was still healing, physically and emotionally and she needed to focus on that.
When I first suggested she go to therapy, she had been reluctant but I told her that even though I wanted nothing more than to help her get better, I wasn't sure how. I didn't know all the right things to say or do. I could listen as she talked but I knew she needed more than that, she needed tools and she needed someone else to tell her she was enough just the way she was, that she deserved to be happy. I said it all the time but I loved her, so of course I thought that. She needed someone who was impartial to tell her that.
After discussing it a few times, she finally agreed to go. I was so proud of her and she had done great. She had told me small details about her brother; his name was Timothy, he had been in the army and he had been her best friend. She had yet to tell me anything else about him, and it was obviously hard for her to give me even that little information about him. I didn't push. Since she was in therapy, I never asked about her past. I simply told her that whenever she was ready to tell me, I would be there to listen.
Arizona was okay with going to therapy. She had been very nervous before her first session, and a little before the second, but on the third, she was okay. She wasn't looking forward to it, but she knew it was good for her.
"Um, it was..." she trailed off. "It was hard," she conceded.
I placed the plates on the table and then stood next to her. "If you want to tell me about it, I'm listening," I said sympathetically, placing a comforting hand on her back.
She stared absentmindedly into the pot as she stirred.
"It's okay," I added, assuming she didn't want to talk about it, "you don't have to." I kissed her on the cheek and then took out two glasses from another cupboard.
"Oh, I have a glass from earlier," she said, grabbing a glass from the kitchen counter and handing it to me.
"Oh." I put one of the glasses I had just taken out back into the cupboard and grabbed the one Arizona was holding out to me. "Thanks."
As I placed the glasses by either plate on the table, Arizona turned around, her hands gripping the edge of the counter. "I..." she started, her gaze on the floor. "I cried."
I stood still and looked at her – she was clearly struggling with how to continue, so I gave her time and didn't say anything.
"I told her about Timothy," she said. "I told her... What happened to him." She looked up at me, her eyes glistening with tears. By now I knew, even though Arizona hadn't said it out loud, that Timothy was dead. She always talked about him in the past tense.
My heart constricted as I saw the pain in her eyes and without thinking, I instinctively walked around the table to stand in front of her, my hands at her waist. "That must have been so hard for you," I sympathized as I flexed my fingers into her skin through her shirt.
She nodded as she dropped her head, sniffling.
I ran my arms around to her back to press her against me, hugging her tightly. "I'm sorry honey," I whispered as I closed my eyes, willing her pain to go away. Her arms came up to wrap around my neck, her face nuzzled into my hair. I sighed and wrapped my arms tighter around her, kissing the side of her head. "I'm so proud of you."
She whimpered quietly and then mustered a low, "Thank you."
"How do you feel now, after?" I asked.
"Um..." she mumbled, her voice trembling. "I don't- I don't know," she stuttered. "Kind of... Empty. But relieved. Weird."
I hugged her impossibly tighter to me. "I understand that. Do you feel like it was worth talking about?"
She shook her head. "I don't know."
"Okay."
"I haven't even told you yet," she then said.
"What?" I asked before giving myself a chance to realize what she was getting at.
"About Tim," she added. "What happened."
I sighed sadly and gently pressed her closer. "You don't have to tell me yet. Wait 'til you're ready. Whenever you're ready, I'll be here," I assured her, "you don't need to force it, okay?"
"It's just, you're my girlfriend, and I told some stranger before I told you."
I pulled back to look at her. "But that's okay. You will tell me eventually. Telling Dr. Evans might even have been easier than it will be to tell me. You really don't have to feel bad about that you haven't told me. Don't worry about that, okay? No rush."
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay."
I took her face in my hands. "You're awesome," I said and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. "You're so awesome and I'm so proud of you."
She smiled even though she was still crying a little, and then she kissed me. "You're awesome too."
She didn't know I was watching. She wasn't doing something very special or wearing something especially sexy. She was simply brushing her teeth in front of the mirror in the bathroom, clad in my T-shirt and panties, but even then, I couldn't help myself. I stood leaning against the door frame, ogling her shamelessly.
I looked at her long, bare legs; the legs that had been wrapped around me countless of times as we had made love – but that was a long time ago. I wanted that again. I looked at her soft, strong arms and her breasts and the contours of her nipples on the fabric of the t-shirt. I wanted to touch them, I wanted to take the shirt off and taste her skin, taste her lips, her breasts, her neck, her core. I wanted to taste her. I looked at her neck, her perfect neck and her jaw – her incredible face with those crystal clear, blue eyes that drove me insane.
Lately, she had been embarrassed when she had caught me staring at her, and she hadn't let me touch her in all the intimate places, and I wasn't sure why. She wouldn't even take her shirt off in front of me. I didn't want to pressure her though, but it was getting hard to see her every day and not be able to kiss or touch her the way I wanted to.
I wanted to respect her, but something told me the whole thing had to do with her not truly believing I loved her, which made me desperate to show her that that wasn't true. She had told me she thought she looked ugly because she had lost so much weight, and I had told her it didn't matter, that she was always beautiful to me, which she was. But of course, me saying that didn't help. I knew it wouldn't, but I had to say it anyway.
Watching her like this, when she didn't know, was amazing because she was just standing there, relaxed. Whenever I would blatantly stare at her and she would notice, she would become all tense and nervous, so I didn't like to look at her. Well, I did, but I didn't want her to be nervous because of it. That kind of took all the fun out of it.
Not wanting to get to that point, before she knew I was watching her I walked into the bathroom and sat on the toilet, looking up at her face. She smiled softly down at me as she kept brushing and I smiled back.
"Ready for bed?" she asked when she had spit some of the tooth paste lather into the sink.
"Almost," I said, still looking at her, wishing I could just reach out and touch her and that it would lead to us being as close as humanly possible.
She brushed some more and then spit again, drank some water and rinsed the tooth brush before putting it in the mug. Reaching forward toward the mirror, she started picking on some pimple or something on her face. She was in deep concentration, not aware that I was watching her again.
I sat up straight and placed my hands on her hips, pulling her to me, not caring that she wasn't done with whatever pimples she'd found on her face. She was about to protest, but she saw my eyes and the way I gazed up at her, and quickly changed her mind.
I wrapped my arms around her lower back, pressing her hips onto my chest as I peeked up at her. She tensed a little and it made me sad. I pressed her closer, willing her to relax in my arms, wishing she would feel comfortable with me touching her.
Keeping my gaze locked with hers, I carefully kissed her stomach through the fabric of the t-shirt. She flinched slightly and brought her hands to my shoulders, as if readying herself to push me away if I did something she didn't want me to do.
Despite Arizona's obvious – even if just slight – reluctance, I carefully pressed on. I slipped my fingers under the hem of the t-shirt at her back, never letting my eyes leave hers.
Her hands clutched at my shoulders. "Callie," she said, and it sounded like an apology.
"I miss you," I whispered before she had a chance to say anything else.
She took a deep breath as she ran her hands down to my upper arms, clutching them. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be," I said. "I just don't understand why you won't let me touch you or see you or even just admire you. Can you just, help me understand?"
"I'm too skinny," she stated. She had said that before, but there was more, I knew there was. "I'm ugly."
My heart constricted at her words. "No," I protested. "Baby, you're beautiful. And you're not that skinny anymore, you gained most of the weight back. I mean, even if you can't see it, you should know it since I've been cramming you with junk food," I joked, trying to make the conversation somewhat lighter.
She smiled weakly at that but it faded quickly.
"You're beautiful," I repeated. "There's something else." I looked up at her, pleading with her to let me in. "I don't want to push you into talking about anything you're not ready to say, but..." I trailed off, hesitating for a moment. "I want you to know, that... I love you. And I don't care what you look like. I just feel like there's something else that's bothering you. Can you just, tell me if I'm on to something here or if I'm completely lost?"
Arizona shook her head. "You're not," she said and then she looked away from me. "You're not lost, it's..." She sighed and then looked at me again. "Callie, I don't feel the same. I'm..." she trailed off and looked away from me again, pinching her eyes closed. "I don't know, I just feel like my body is different." Her eyes drifted back to me and I hugged her closer in an effort to comfort her. "And if you touch me, if we..." Her voice cracked, forcing her to stop talking, and she couldn't look at me anymore. "You'll know," she said, lowering her head. "You'll know and you'll be reminded that other people have touched me and..." she trailed off again, tears forming in her eyes. "I don't want you to be reminded," she choked out as the tears fell from her eyes and she dared to look at me again.
I untangled my arms from around her back and brought my hands to hers, holding them in my own. "Arizona," I started, "I already know other people touched you. And honestly, I don't like to think about it, but I miss being close to you, I miss sharing that intimacy with you. But I'll wait, I will, as long as you need. But don't... Please, don't think that I will love you any less or think any less of you for what happened when we weren't together. You were hurting then, and you're getting better now and you're here, with me. I just, I want to make you feel good."
"I don't need sex from you to feel good," she quickly pointed out and I immediately realized my mistake.
"No, I know, that's..." I sighed to myself at my own stupidity. "That's not what I meant. I'm sorry. I know you don't need that." I sighed again and let go of her hands as I slumped backwards against the toilet. "Ah, crap," I cursed as I covered my face with my hands, hating the fact that I had just said what I said.
"Hey, come on," she said as she took my hands and brought me back to sit up straight. "I'm sorry. I know you didn't mean it like that."
I looked down, kicking myself internally. She was already insecure enough, why did I have to go and say that? "I just miss you, that's all."
"I just need you," she continued, clearly still feeling insecure. "To be with you, even if it's nothing more than just being in the same room as you."
"Arizona, I know, you don't have to explain. I'm just, ugh, I just shouldn't talk sometimes," I said as I shook my head and brought my hands up to cover my face again. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. Stupid." I mumbled the last word to myself, but Arizona heard it.
"No, I get it, it's okay." She reached forward and took my hands, removing them from my face and holding them in her own. She looked down at me, almost shyly. "Do you..." she trailed off. "Do you really want to?"
I closed my eyes and felt a wave of sadness wash through me. I wished she wasn't so insecure about my feelings for her. I straightened up and looked into her eyes, squeezing her hands. "Oh Arizona, yes. If you want me to touch you, I want that more than anything."
She nodded nervously as she bit her bottom lip. "I want to try. See how it feels."
I brought one of her hands to my lips and kissed her knuckles softly, my eyes still locked with hers. "You sure?" I asked. "It really can wait. I just wanted to understand why. I don't want you to do anything that-"
"I know," she interrupted me. "I know. Don't worry."
I took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay."
Arizona took my face in her hands and bent down to kiss me. It was a soft, lingering kiss. I placed my hands on the outside of her thighs, slowly running them up higher. As she slipped her tongue into my mouth, I pressed my fingers into her skin instinctively to get her closer.
Breaking away from the kiss, Arizona was breathless. She leaned her forehead against mine, her eyes closed as she breathed onto my face. "Missed you too by the way," she whispered.
I smiled at that and gave her a quick peck on the lips. "Glad to hear it." I pushed at her thighs, forcing her to come closer and straighten up. I ran my hands slowly up and down the back of her thighs as I looked into her eyes. I stopped my hands just blow her buttocks. "Is this okay?" I asked, concerned.
She nodded quickly. "Yeah."
I pushed my knee in between her legs as I slipped my hands into her panties at her ass. I squeezed the flesh softly before running my fingers to her hips, still under the fabric of the panties.
"Mm, you feel good," I said, slowly slipping my hands out from under the material, then running them back up over it and under the hem of the t-shirt. My eyes were locked with Arizona's, not for one second did I look away, afraid I would miss any sign that she might be uncomfortable.
Reaching forward, I kissed her stomach through the t-shirt again as my fingers slowly tugged it upward. Arizona's hands softly trailed down my cheeks to settle at the back of my neck, encouraging me to keep going. Sensing that she was okay, I closed my eyes and kissed her bare, hot skin when it was revealed in front of me as I had pushed up the t-shirt some more.
When my tongue came in contact with her skin, I heard her breathing hitch. My hands roamed her thighs as I kissed down her panties. "Oh, god," I murmured as I pressed my nose into the fabric at her heated core and inhaled. "Your smell." It was intoxicating. The smell, the heat, the moisture...
I could hear my pulse in my ears and I couldn't breathe properly.
"Hm," Arizona moaned as she rocked her hips forward slightly.
I wrapped my arms around her back and hugged her closer, kissing her through the panties. Letting go again, I pulled back just to look up at her. I placed my hands at her hips, taking hold of the piece of clothing that was keeping me from tasting her. I stared intently into her eyes as I started pulling the garment down her hips.
I followed the panties with my hands on their path down her legs, all the way to her feet, my gaze not once faltering from Arizona's eyes. She stepped out of the panties and swiftly kicked them aside as I settled my hands on her hips again, still looking up at her. She didn't look unsure. Her eyes were shining with arousal and her core was dripping wet, my mouth watering at the sight as I finally allowed myself to look away from her eyes.
Closing my eyes and leaning forward, I pressed a soft kiss to the top of the wet patch of curls I now found in front of me. I smelled Arizona's arousal and tasted it briefly on my lips, my own arousal making itself very known as I felt wetness pool between my legs.
"You're beautiful," I whispered as I gazed up at her again. "You're the same to me, you're no different. You're still my Arizona."
She ran a hand through my hair. "Thank you," she murmured. "I believe that you feel that way, and I'm glad you do, but I don't. Not yet, at least."
"You will," I promised. "I'll make you believe it. I'll make you see what I see." I gazed up at her again for a while as a comfortable silence fell upon us. "Will you let me make love to you?" I asked in a low voice, my heart hammering in my chest.
Rather than answer, Arizona bent forward, grabbed my pajama shirt and pulled it over my head. "Yes," she then said and took off her own shirt.
I stood up in front of her, and she was forced to take a step back to give me room as I pulled the last piece of clothing off of my body. I looked into her eyes as I slowly ran my hands up and down her arms with a feather light touch.
I felt almost like it was the first time I was ever this close to her.
As I took a step forward, Arizona closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath.
I wrapped my arms around her back and pulled her to me, pressing her naked body flush against mine. She was warm and I could feel her heart beating just as crazy as mine. I hugged her harder against me as I pressed soft kisses to her neck.
I felt Arizona nuzzle her face into the crook of my neck as she looped her arms around the small of my back.
"Does this feel good?" I asked, needing the reassurance.
"Yeah," she replied. "Really good."
I exhaled a sharp breath onto her skin as I felt a tug in the pit of my stomach. "God, I really want to feel you," I said. I was aware that saying that could pressure her, but I wanted her to know that I wanted her even now that she was naked, that her body was still attractive to me.
"Can you just..." she started, but trailed off. She took a deep breath and tugged me closer. "Can you just hold me for a little while first?"
I kissed her neck again. "Of course," I answered. "I like to hold you this way. I feel close to you. I like just being naked together."
"Me too." She trailed a path of kisses along my shoulder and then settled her face against my neck again.
I ran my hands up and down her perfect, delicious back. "Do you know that I love your back?"
She giggled slightly and nodded against me. "I do."
"I'm gonna worship it later in bed," I declared, whispering the words against her soft skin. "I'm going to press my lips to it, kiss from the small of your back and all the way up to your neck while I run my hands along the sides of your torso."
"I'll like that," she whispered.
"Mm, good." My eyes were closed and I felt her sweet scent as I inhaled and my nose was pressed into her curls.
She stepped away from me slightly and I loosened my hold on her, but kept my arms around her as we faced each other.
"I'm nervous," she conceded. "And a little scared but I miss you too, and I want you to touch me. I'm just... nervous."
Her words made me a little nervous too, but I thought I'd better not tell her that as she might feel guilty.
I kissed her lips, my arms still around her. I slowly worked my way down her body, trailing wet kisses along her skin and lingering at her breasts. My arms remained around her and I pushed her forward so I could kiss harder when I was at her nipples.
Her breath hitched as I sucked and licked and nibbled at the sensitive skin, leaving it wet as I kept kissing down her stomach. As I reached her belly button, I sat back down on the toilet and tugged her to me. I looked up at her, making sure she was okay.
Reaching up with my hand, I traced my fingertips along her jaw as I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her soft stomach, my eyes locked on hers the entire time. Dropping my hand from her jaw, I ran my fingers down along her neck, her chest and then stroked my palm over one breast, stopping and squeezing gently. Then I wrapped my arm around her back again, locking it with my other.
"I love the taste of your skin," I whispered as I licked at her flesh.
Arizona's hands came to my head and I was relieved to feel her slightly push at me a little to go further down. Kissing along her stomach, I quickly neared her center and I heard her breathing get faster the closer I got.
"Callie," Arizona called quietly, and I immediately snapped my head up to look at her, afraid I had done something wrong. To my delight, she pleaded, "Please." That's all she had to say, I knew what it meant from the tone of her voice.
I gazed up at her for a few seconds before I reached forward with my lips, kissing right at the wet folds in front of me. I kissed once and then licked my lips, tasting her. Arizona moaned and rocked her hips forward, urging me on. Not wasting any time, I kept kissing down her core, lapping up her juices as I went. I kept my arms wrapped around her, but moved them down to her ass, keeping her where I wanted her.
My tongue slipped with ease into the slick, hot folds and I ran it up to her clit, sucking on it once and then slid my tongue back down to tease at her entrance.
"Spread your legs a little," I whispered against her before placing a series of open mouthed kisses to her core again.
Shifting, Arizona parted her feet, granting me better access. I covered her core with my mouth, taking as much of her in as I could. She panted above me, her fingers tangled in my hair. I ran my right hand around her body, down the outside of her thigh until I reached her knee. I lingered there for a moment as I glided my tongue down the length of her again and then pushing it inside of her. She moaned at the sensation, but as I had anticipated it wasn't the best angle from where I was positioned, so I swiftly stroked my hand up the inside of her thigh, soon reaching her core. I licked two fingers quickly before sliding them through her slick folds, coating them with her wetness.
I looked up at Arizona to make sure she was okay. Her eyes were closed, her lips parted as she was breathing wildly. Not needing any more reassurance, I moaned loudly as I slid the two fingers into her, feeling her walls around them. I heard her breath hitch again and I could tell she was already close.
I felt her slick walls around my fingers as I moved slowly inside of her, and it felt incredible. Lost in the sensation, I leaned my forehead against her stomach as I tightened my arm around her and quickened my movements slightly.
"Oh, god," I panted. "Fuck baby, you feel so good." I trailed sloppy kisses across her stomach. "You feel so good," I repeated. I needed her to know it was the same as before, that I felt the same when I touched her this way; nothing had changed for me.
Arizona wrapped her right arm hard around my neck as her left hand came to rest at the top of my back. "Callie," she called, "your mouth. Please," she pleaded. "I need your mouth on me."
I instantly moved, crushing my lips onto her clit and sucking hard. She groaned loudly and pressed my head harder into her core as she thrust her hips in time with my fingers. "Oh," she moaned. "C-Callie."
At that, I pumped my fingers faster and deeper, making sure to hit all the right spots inside as my mouth worked her clit. I pressed my tongue flat onto it, rubbing it fast up and down.
I could no longer name the sounds escaping Arizona's mouth. Her breathing was ragged and quick and she whimpered and moaned and made numerous other delicious sounds. I hummed into her core as I listened, delighted to be pleasing her.
As I felt her legs begin to tremble, I tightened my arm around her and quickened my movements even more. Her walls tightened around my fingers as she screamed out her orgasm, more wetness spilling out over my hand. Slowing the pace of my fingers and then coming to a stop, I licked up her juices as her body slumped a little as she rode out the last of her orgasm.
I licked gently and slowly at the hypersensitive bundle of nerves and then kissed it a few times. Carefully gliding my fingers out of Arizona, I wrapped that arm around her, helping to keep her upright.
I ran my hands down the back of her thighs, I scooting back as I slowly pulled her forward until she was straddling me. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and I took her face in my hands, kissing her lovingly, my tongue against hers.
"Mm," she moaned softly into my mouth as I wrapped my arms around her, hugging her to me.
"Tastes kind of good, right?" I teased, knowing she could taste herself in my mouth.
She only smiled and kissed me again.
"You do taste amazing," I added, pressing another kiss to her lips.
She rested her forehead against mine, closing her eyes and letting out a heavy breath.
"I love tasting you," I whispered, knowing she needed the reassurance. "I love touching you, I love feeling you, I love hearing you come." I brushed my nose against hers. "Making love to you is amazing Arizona. It was amazing before, it's amazing now and it will be amazing tomorrow."
She giggled and opened her eyes to look at me. "You saying we're going to have sex tomorrow too?"
I smiled, relieved that she was able to joke, making the moment less serious. "If you want to."
"Sorry," she apologized, "I couldn't help it."
"Hey, no worries. It's okay. I'm glad you're feeling like you can make jokes."
She tucked some hair behind my ear. "Thank you."
"For?"
"For being patient. For being amazing, for saying all the right things," she said. "For loving me."
I smiled up at her again, pressing her closer. "Loving you is easy."
She reached down to kiss me passionately, pressing her hands into my back. She then scooted forward until her core pressed onto my stomach, eliciting a moan from me at the sensation. Kissing down my neck, she ran her hand around to my front, cupping my breast. "I think I should take you to bed now," she whispered quietly into my ear.
"Mm-hm," I mumbled. "Yes. Bed. Please."
Lips lightly brushed against mine.
"I'm going now baby," Arizona whispered and my eyes slowly fluttered open. She was standing right next to the bed, bending over so her face was close to mine. She pulled her fingers through my hair as she kissed my lips.
I had been vaguely aware that she had gotten out of bed a little while earlier, but I was so tired that I had just gone back to sleep right away. She was opening preschool today, so she had to be there at six.
I groaned my disapproval. "Mm, no," I complained as I reached up and cupped the nape of her neck, pulling her in for another soft, tired kiss.
She chuckled into it. "I have to sweetie, I'll be late for work. You should go back to sleep."
I loved waking up to Arizona next to me, and even better was waking up to her kissing me, and as silly as it might have been, I really didn't like it when she had to leave for work this early in the morning. "What time is it?" I asked sleepily.
"About 5:30," she replied as she stroked the back of her hand across my cheek.
"Five minutes," I mumbled as I tugged at her jacket, trying to get her into bed. "Just five minutes."
"Calliope, honey," she scolded softly, "you know I would love to but I have to go to work."
"I know, I know," I whined. "I don't have to like it though, do I?"
Arizona reached down and gave me a soft, lingering kiss. "No," she conceded and kissed me again. "I should be home before three," she said, nuzzling her nose into the side of my cheek, inhaling.
"Aw, I'm gonna miss you," I pouted.
She giggled again. "Gonna miss you too," she said. "Okay-" she kissed me, "-going now." She kissed me again. "Love you."
"Love you too, gorgeous," I called as I watched her walk away, and she turned around and winked at me.
I nuzzled into the sheets as I heard the door close and lock. I smiled to myself and I slowly started drifting back to sleep.
"Hello?" I called as I opened the door of the preschool.
After Arizona left this morning, I went back to sleep and when I got up later to have breakfast and go to school, I found her lunch box in the refrigerator. I immediately decided I would drop it off by the preschool on my way to school, so here I was.
Two kids, around three years old, stood just inside and they looked up at me with genuine curiosity.
"Hi," I said, smiling at them. "I'm looking for Arizona, do you know where she is?"
"What's your name?" the girl asked.
"I'm Callie, what's yours?" I kicked my shoes off and walked a little further into the house.
"I'm Ashley."
"I'm Mike," the boy said.
"Are you gonna be our teacher?" Ashley asked.
"No," I softly replied. "I'm just going to get Arizona her lunch, because she forgot it at home. Do you know where she is?"
"Yeah, in there," Mike said and pointed into one of the rooms in the far end of the hall.
"Yeah? You wanna show me?"
They both nodded eagerly and started running through the hall. I followed close behind, and there were children running around or playing everywhere. I liked kids, they always just made me smile with their cute little faces and baby voices.
"A-zona, A-zona!" Ashley called as they ran into the room Mike had pointed to.
One of Arizona's colleges came out of another room. "Hey, what's with all the yelling?" he asked.
"Oh, sorry, that's my fault," I said. "I'm looking for Arizona, and they were showing me where she was. I'm Callie by the way," I added as I offered him my hand.
"Oh, that's alright," he replied. "I'm Doug." He took my hand and shook it. "And Arizona is in that room, as you probably already figured out." He smiled politely as he pointed to the room.
I chuckled. "Yeah, thanks. Sorry for the yelling I caused."
"No problem," he said. "Nice to meet you Callie."
"You too."
I walked towards the room, stopped in the door way and peeked in. Arizona sat on the floor with a little boy in her lap. He was crying into her chest, holding on to her tightly.
"You guys," she said to Ashley and Mike who were standing in front of her, urging her to come along out of the room, "you have to wait a little, okay? Justin's a little sad and he just needs me to sit with him for a while. If you want you can stay here with us, maybe that would make Justin feel better."
"But A-zona," Ashley protested, "She's looking for you."
I smiled at the scene playing out in front of me; Arizona was so good with the kids and I could tell they liked her.
"Who's looking for me? Can't they come here?" she asked softly as she stroked little Justin across his head.
Ashley and Mike pondered for a little. "Maybe!" Mike said and ran through the room, followed by Ashley. "Callie!" he yelled and stopped by the door, looking up at me. "A-zona can't leave," he said.
"Oh no?" I asked, sounding curious, and in the corner of my eye I saw Arizona turn her head toward us. "Do you think I could go to her then?" I asked and looked over and met Arizona's gaze, my heart skipping a beat. She frowned but smiled at me and I smiled back. I became all warm inside watching her with these kids, happy to see a sparkle she had in her eyes when she interacted with them.
"Yeah, 'cause she can't leave," Ashley repeated.
"Okay, well I'll just go to her then," I announced. "Thanks for showing me where she was, it was very helpful."
Arizona smiled brightly up at me as I walked over to her. "What are you doing here?" she asked in delighted surprise.
"Hello to you too," I teased as I knelt down next to her and the little boy. "You forgot your lunch," I said, holding up the lunch box in front of her.
Her eyes widened. "Oh, I did!" she took the box out of my hands. "Callie, you really didn't have to," she said, obviously grateful. Justin fussed quietly in her embrace and she tightened her arms around him, running one hand soothingly up and down his tiny back.
"I know," I stated. "But I wanted to. And honestly, it was a great excuse to come see you." I brushed my fingers across her cheek and then tucked some hair behind her ear.
She giggled. "Thank you, you're the best."
I smiled warmly at her. "Anything for you."
For a moment we just got lost in each other's eyes and the presence of one another. I giggled like a fool, a smile plastered to my face.
"Callie, how old are you?" Mike asked as he ran back into the room.
Arizona smiled sweetly at me.
"I'm 24, how old are you?" I replied.
"I'm almost three!" he said triumphantly.
"Wow, you're a big boy!"
"Are you gonna stay?"
"I wish I could, because you seem to have a lot of fun here, but I have to go to grown up's school," I explained and turned to Arizona, looking at her apologetically, even though I knew she knew I was going to school.
"Scoot," she said with a nod of her head. "I'll see you in the afternoon. Thanks for bringing my lunch."
"Welcome," I said as I reached forward and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. "Bye." I stood up and looked at Mike. "Will you follow me to the door Mike?"
"Yeah, come on!"
"Bye," Arizona called as I turned to look at her one last time to see her smiling back at me.
"Are you okay?"
Ever since Arizona came home later that day, she had been tense and absentminded, but I hadn't asked, I just thought I'd give it some time and that she might tell me what was up eventually. We had just had dinner but she had barely touched her food, and now we were watching The Big Bang Theory, but she wasn't paying attention at all.
She was snuggled up against my side, her head on my shoulder and my arm wrapped around her.
"Yeah, fine," she replied and smiled up at me, but it didn't touch her eyes, it wasn't genuine.
I stroked her hair and gazed down at her in concern, unsure whether or not I should press on.
"You've been kind of distant since you came home," I established. "I just can't help but wonder if something's happened that's got you upset."
"No," she said and looked up at me, shaking her head slightly. "Nothing happened, I promise. I would tell you."
"Okay," I whispered. "Then what is it?"
She sat up and dropped her hands in her lap, fiddling with the hem at the bottom of her jeans. She took a deep breath, gazing down at her hands. "Can you just, give me a little time?" she asked as she looked into my eyes. "I'm going to tell you something. I've decided that I'm going to tell you, but it scares me," she conceded. "So, I just need for you to... Wait a little and let me be scared for a while, okay?"
"Of course. Any time you're ready." It made me feel hopeful that she had decided to tell me something, but it made me nervous too, for her sake. And concerned, because I really felt for her and knew how hard it was for her to talk about her past.
She leaned into me again, wrapped both arms around me and snuggled her face into the crook of my neck. "Thank you," she whispered.
I pressed her to me and kissed her shoulder. "You'll be okay," I assured her. "I'm right here and I believe in you. You'll be okay."
-Arizona-
"Arizona, you don't have to tell me tonight," Callie said as we crawled into bed a few hours later. We both lay on our sides, facing each other.
Really preparing to tell her for the last hour, I had been so nervous that I had barely said a word, and now I was trembling like a leaf.
"No, I do," I persisted.
"But you're shaking." She took my hands in her own and hugged them to her chest.
"If I don't tell you tonight, I-I don't know when I can tell you. I don't know when I'll be able to muster up the courage again."
"Okay," she said, determined, placing a hand at my waist. "So tell me right now."
I looked at her, kind of caught off guard at what she had just said. Her eyes were glued to mine, and I wished we could just skip the whole thing, that everything would be fine anyway, without me having to tell her. But I knew it didn't work that way, and after all Callie had done for me, I owed this to her – and to myself.
"Why wait?" she continued. "If you want to do it tonight, then what are you waiting for?" she asked softly. "Honey, it's not going to get any easier. Okay?" She moved a hand up to my face, stroking gently in an effort to provide me with some comfort. "I don't want to pressure you but if you want to do it tonight then don't wait 'til the last minute; the longer you wait, the harder it's going to get."
I closed my eyes and took a deep, but very shaky, breath. "Okay," I replied. "Okay, you're right."
"Tell me what I can do to make it easier." she said, cupping my face in her hands.
"Just..." I trailed off and exhaled sharply, my eyes still closed. I knew this was it, but I wasn't sure what she could do other than just be there. I brought my hands to her wrists, clutching them nervously, not wanting her to stop touching me. "I don't know," I admitted as I opened my eyes and looked at her. "Just, stay close to me?"
"Yeah," she whispered and tugged a strand of hair behind my ear. "I'm staying right here baby. Whenever you think of something else that you need, just tell me, okay? I'll do it, whatever it is."
I nodded and choked out a shaky, "Okay."
When I didn't say anything else, Callie slipped her hands off my face and took my hands in hers again and asked, "Are you going to tell me about your brother?"
I nodded again, sharply, as I swallowed. "Yeah."
"Okay, that's good," she encouraged as she squeezed my hands.
I closed my eyes again and took a deep breath. "He, um..." I trailed off and felt a lump form in my throat and tears come to my eyes. It was now or never, I knew that, and Callie was the best person I could ever ask for to tell about this. I needed to tell her, we both deserved it. I forced it out in a whimper: "He was locked in the bathroom."
"Tim, for god's sake, stop being so childish, just open the door!" I had been banging at the door for about 15 minutes, but he refused to come out or even talk to me. Now, it had been a long – way too long – time since I had heard even the teeniest sound from in there and it was unnerving. I was pissed at him so I hadn't let my worry show so far, but I was getting really worried. I sighed. "Okay, don't open, but can you at least just say something so I know you're alright?" I waited. My ear against the door, I waited. Nothing. "Tim, please?" I pleaded. Nothing. My heart was starting to race and I was feeling nauseous. Something was wrong. In my heart, I knew something was wrong. But I refused to believe that, so I said, "You know, I can just get a knife or something and open the door from the outside." It was a good idea, and me saying that would make him want to think of something else to get away from me, and he would at least start moving in there or say something to me. But there was only silence, still. I sighed to myself. "Okay, I'm getting something and I'm opening the door."
Callie held my gaze the entire time and kept her hands firmly squeezing mine, rubbing her thumbs across my knuckles. She hadn't said anything up until this point, just waited, listened, giving me time. But she sensed my struggle now, and said, "Okay sweetie, this is the hardest part." She knew.
I knew Callie, and I knew she had a pretty good idea about what was coming next, and I also knew she felt sad and horrified for my sake, but she didn't show it. Not one bit did she show it. She simply kept her hold of me and looked into my eyes, assuring me that she was there.
"So just, take a breath," she continued, "don't rush it. And then when you feel ready, tell me what you found when you opened the door."
I thought he was kidding. I laughed at him. Timothy was kind of sitting at the edge of the tub, his eyes closed and his body fallen back a little toward the center of the tub. He would have been completely fallen into the tub, if it wasn't for the wire around his neck, holding him upright. It was the wire from the lamp. The lamp wasn't attached to the wire, but the wire was still hanging from the ceiling, and wrapping around his neck. "If you're going to hang yourself, you should do it right," I mocked, referring to the fact that he was actually almost sitting down at the edge of the tub. And then I felt angry. How could he do this? How could he think this was funny? He was a fucking idiot, I thought. I walked over to him. "You're an idiot," I said. "Get up and get the fucking lamp wire off your throat." I nudged him hard and he wiggled, but didn't otherwise move. "Tim, come on, this isn't funny!" And then, my heart stopped. I stared at him and shook him but he didn't even flinch. "TIM!" Nothing. No sound, no movement – nothing. No. No. NO. I screamed. I ran. I didn't know what I was screaming for or where I was running. But I knew that Timothy, my beloved brother, was in our bathroom, and he was dead. And I couldn't breathe.
Callie wrapped her arms around my trembling body, pressing it into her own. I was crying so hard; it was difficult to think of that day, to relive what had happened. But it was the second time I had done it now, in just a few weeks, and as hard and as painful as it was, there was somehow relief too. It was like a heavy weight was slowly being lifted off my shoulders.
"I'm sorry you found him like that," Callie whispered soothingly as she ran her hands up and down my back. She always did that when she was comforting me, and I liked it, it helped.
"I-I didn't do anything, I didn't help him," I mumbled.
"You were scared and in shock, it wasn't your fault."
"I was mean to him, I shouldn't have been fighting with him, I knew he was sad, if-if I hadn't gotten angry he wouldn't have, he would have-"
"No," Callie protested, interrupting my frantic ramble. "No. He made that choice, you didn't."
"But he did it because we were fighting."
"Arizona, sweetheart, you said it yourself, he was sad. Now, I don't know why he was sad but I know he didn't do what he did because of you. Even if you hadn't been fighting, he would have probably done it eventually anyway."
"I could have stopped him," I said brokenly. "And I could have helped him after, but I didn't Callie. If I had, maybe he would have still lived. But I just let him die."
"Arizona, please, stop," Callie pleaded. "It wasn't your fault, none of it. You didn't let him die, he did that to himself, not you. And you said he had been in there for a long time, so it probably wouldn't have mattered if you had done anything differently when you found him. There was nothing else you could have done."
"But I could have-"
"No," Callie objected and hugged me tighter. "Stop it. It's not your fault. No one thinks it's your fault."
At that, I whimpered out of sadness and guilt, because she was wrong. "My mom does."
Callie pulled away to look at me, shock and anger evident in her eyes. "What? She said that?"
I didn't answer, I couldn't muster up any words. I just gazed back at her, guilt spreading through my entire body.
It was my fault my brother was dead.
And that was the main reason why it was so hard for me to talk about it, or even think about it. Because I didn't know how to live with myself, knowing what I had done. And if I didn't think or talk about it, I could pretend, just from time to time, that it hadn't happened. That way, living was easier.
Callie opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again. I looked away, feeling vulnerable and exposed and guilty. Ashamed. What was Callie thinking of me now?
"Arizona, look at me," she commanded softly, but determinedly. When I didn't look at her, she took my face in her hands, forcing my face up. "Look at me," she repeated.
I reluctantly met her gaze, and she looked back at me with love and sympathy.
"Your mother is wrong," she said firmly. "She is wrong. Okay?" She gazed intently at me, as if really needing me to understand. "Look," she continued, "when something like that happens, people just want someone to blame, because that makes it easier to deal with. Because then she can be angry with you instead of sad that her son is gone. Anger is easier to deal with than grief, so blaming you makes it easier. But that doesn't mean that she has a right to blame you, or that it was actually your fault. Because Arizona, it was not your fault."
"Then who's fault was it?" I asked. I still believed that it was in fact my fault. I had fought him, and then I hadn't tried to help him, I had just run away like a coward.
"Honey, it's no one's fault. Your brother was obviously very, very sad about something, and that's why he did what he did. Are you going to tell me that he was sad because of you?" she asked softly, stroking her thumbs across my cheeks.
I looked into her eyes for a moment, contemplating her question. "No," I then said.
Callie smiled weakly at me, and it wasn't until then that I noticed the tears on the verge of falling from her eyes.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"What? For what?" she asked quietly.
"You're crying."
"I'm okay." She reached forward and kissed both my cheeks, one at a time. "You've just told me something terrible that happened to you. That makes me sad. But I'm okay. I'm glad you told me." She looked at me for a moment. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."
"It feels like it was yesterday. It doesn't hurt any less than it did then, doesn't feel more real," I explained. "I forget sometimes, you know? Sometimes, for just two seconds, it's like it never happened."
"Yeah," she whispered. "Come here." She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me to her, and I found strength in her embrace. I closed my eyes and felt myself start to relax, my eye lids suddenly feeling heavy. "Now I understand why you freaked out that morning when I was locked in the bathroom," she said, a hint of guilt in her voice. She took a deep breath and hugged me closer. "God, you must have been so scared. I'm so sorry."
"You didn't know," I simply stated.
"I know, but still, I feel bad."
"Don't. You've been so good to me, I couldn't have done this without you," I said.
"You could have. I know you could have."
"No. I only ever started thinking about Tim when I met you. Before that, I did everything I could to push the memory of him away. I didn't allow myself to remember the good things about him, because that only reminded me that he's not here anymore. But I want to remember the good things. And to do that I need to remember the bad stuff too."
Callie hugged me tighter. "That, you are right about. You would have come to that realization without me too though."
"Thank you for being here for me."
She kissed the top of my head. "No where else I'd rather be."