Throne of Cards 9 - Tinfoil Orc

It's not paranoia if you really end up killed and looted.

Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'

"Well, big man, let's see what you have to offer us."

Sarevok gave the blonde vampire in front of him a level stare. "In due time," He said, before turning to his companions. "I would prefer to do this in private."

"Oh, that's a great idea, that is!" His sister said, throwing up her hands in the air. "Any more winners like that one? Planning to go roll yourself in honey and sit naked in the woods with a sign around your next which reads 'Bear Buffet'? Nuh-uh. We're staying right here."

"No," Sarevok flatly stated. "I require privacy." Foolish child, why must she interfere? Why does she even care? She should not!

"Ah, well, if he is willing to risk his neck for the pleasures of the flesh, then that is surely his business," Viconia said, echoing Sarevok's thoughts. "By all means let him sate his lusts, if they slaughter him I can bring him back afterwards. After a fashion, at least."

"After a fashion?"

"As a zombie." Viconia nodded to herself. "Yes, I can see it now. He'd be just as strong, but blissfully silent and obedient. A win-win situation, isn't it?"

"Do I look like Xzar to you? No zombies in this party, thanks!"

The two vampires gave each other a brief look. "Truly," the blonde one named Lilem said, "You have nothing to fear. Have we not taken only a small and perfectly safe sample from all the rest of you?"

"Sure," Imoen pointed out. "With all the rest of us here and ready to fight back if you try anything fishy. If we leave him alone, you might jump him."

"Even so," Sarevok said, "I insist. I will not change my mind." He locked eyes with his sister. "Upon my return to the world of the living, you might have bound me with an oath requiring me to bow to your will. You chose not to. Perhaps you regret that now."

Zaerini's golden eyes started unblinking into his own, meeting his gaze steadily. After a moment she frowned, then sighed. "No," She said. "Fine. Have it your way. We'll be right outside the door." She coughed briefly, her cheeks turning slightly pink. "Not to say we'll be listening or anything. Just, you know, yell if you're in trouble." She hurried out the door, the others trailing after her. Once they were all gone, Sarevok silently held his arm out for the two vampire sisters.

"So that's it," The dark one, Melora, said, as the blonde deftly pierced skin and vein and drained a small sample of blood into a glass vial.

"You have seen what you require, sister?"

"Yes." Melora looked at Sarevok, her green eyes cool and remote. "A memory. That is what you desire, is it not?"

"You know what I want. Can you give it to me?"

"You know I cannot. I can give you a substitute. If you want it, and if you will pay the price, then take my hand." The vampire held her hand out, and Sarevok took it without hesitation, grasping cold white fingers which he knew were deceptively strong. The cold didn't last long though. Soon her kisses felt warm against his skin, so very warm, and her face blurred, changing before his straining eyes to another, so familiar and so dear. Long black hair, warm dark eyes, and her smile…her smile…

"Tamoko." Sarevok breathed. His head knew it wasn't truly her. His heart did not care.

"Well, here goes nothing," Zaerini said as she knocked on the door of Gromnir's stronghold. "Feels kind of weird, doesn't it?"

"I know," Imoen agreed. "I had this idea there'd be lots of traps, and evil minions to fight in droves. And tunnels. Or crawling through sewers."

"I am perfectly content to bypass the sewers this time around," Edwin said, flicking an imaginary speck of dust off the sleeve of his robe. "I only just got these back from laundry after that incident with the histrionic merchant."

"Keep your conversation to a minimum, mage, and perhaps there will be no further exploding craniums," Viconia said with a small smirk.

"Well, Kiser deserved it," Rini said, squeezing her lover's arm until he smiled back at her. "You can explode heads of deserving people any time, Eddie. Just try not to do it to Gromnir, ok? We kind of need to get on his good side so Melissan will lower the teleport shields around the city and let us scram." As long as Melissan keeps her word, she thought to herself, but she didn't say it out loud. Lowering morale would do no good. The vampire sisters had explained that while Gromnir was indeed suspicious of all outsiders, refusing to see anybody, they had an 'ongoing business arrangement' with him.

"He requires us to analyze his blood at regular intervals," Melora had explained. "He's convinced that evil gnomes are attempting to mindcontrol him with drugs placed in his food and drink. It is a good thing that none of you are gnomes."

"Hold on," Lilem had said with a brief frown. "I thought it was secret messages written in the clouds attempting to control him?"

"No, no. That was a month ago. At any rate," The dark vampire said, "We perform this service for him for a very moderate fee, and in return he encourages his hirelings to visit our little establishment. We have written you a letter of introduction, providing a plausible excuse or three, and he has agreed to see you for a brief interview. You will have your opportunity to talk him into supporting you.

Let's hope it works, Rini thought. Otherwise we might have to get a message to Jan and ask him about those gnomish mindcontrol drugs.

The tall doubledoors swung open, and a skinny man wearing what at first appeared to be a glittering suit of armour looked down his nose at the adventurers. Rini blinked, and realised that in fact it wasn't armour at all. It was metal, but it was sheets of metal so thin that they might as well be sheets of paper, wound around his entire body. "Yes?" He said in a voice of polite disdain.

"Uh…we're here to see Gromnir Il-Khan," Rini managed. "We've got an appointment."

"Ah yes," The man said. He sniffed briefly. "The soothsayer. Master Il-Khan is expecting you. I am Dworkin. Do wipe your feet, please."

Rini looked down to see a large doormat, bright green and coated with tiny metal spikes. They didn't look sharp enough to penetrate her boots, but they were definitely unusual.

"What's that?" Imoen asked. "Some new kind of caltrops?"

"No," Dworkin said with another brief sniff. "They are covered with 'gnome-repellant'. The master ordered them specifically. Follow me."

As the group followed the dour servant deeper into the building, Rini noticed not only a multitude of armed guards posted at regular intervals throughout the corridors, but also certain oddities about the interior decorating. All the windows had been covered by the same thin metal sheets which Dworkin were wearing, and the guards all had them wound around their helmets. Also, there was the graffiti along the walls. Once upon a time they had been a pristine white, but now they were covered with reddish scribblings, hopefully made with paint. 'The Truth Is Out There', she read, closely followed by 'They Can't Get You If You Look', 'The Island Travels In Time', 'It Was All A Dream' and 'Han Shot First'.

"Utter incomprehensible gibberish," Edwin muttered. "My hopes for a fruitful and mutually beneficient meeting dwindle by the second and my patience is short. (A few Explosive Runes might make a suitable addition to all this nonsense.)"

"Sssh," Rini whispered. "Gromnir's good side, get on. Remember?"

"Your armor is strange, friend Dworkin!" Minsc boomed. "It is most shiny and flexible, but is it sturdy enough to break the charge of a rampaging troll or an enraged giant? Boo is most sceptical, just look at his disapproving frown."

"It isn't armor," Dworkin said with a sigh. "Master Il-Khan ordered it specifically and requires all his servants and bodyguards to wear it."

"Let me guess," Viconia said. "To protect against the evil gnomes, yes?"

"No. To provide a foil for the telepathic rays of the deep space lizards who secretly strive to rule the world."

Viconia blinked. "Very well," She said. "Will he require us to wear it as well?"

"I shouldn't think so."

"Good. I hate to think what that would do to my hair."

At last the group was led into a large and windowless room, with more guards posted outside a pair of heavy doubledoors. Inside, the room was utterly bare, apart from a dais at one end, with a rather plain stone throne on it. There was a half-orc sitting on the throne, a tall and muscular man with a jutting jaw and light green skin. He was wearing an ornate suit of armour, covered with jutting spikes and depictions of screaming faces. Out of the corner of her eye, Zaerini noticed Sarevok giving it an approving nod. There were stripes of the thin sheets of metal wound carefully around the man's head, as well as dangling in stripes off the spikes on the armour.

"Who comes?" He barked. "Who comes before Gromnir Il-Khan? Are you gnomes? Are you? WELL?"

"This is the soothsayer, mylord," Dworkin said in a very polite voice which somehow managed to express extreme suffering. "You remember, you were prepared for this meeting, were you not?"

"Was I? Maybe…yes, yes. But it's too soon! TOO SOON! I haven't had time to put the mirrors up."

"Er, that's all right, really," Rini said. "We don't need any mirrors."

"And we're not gnomes," Imoen added. "You can see we're all too tall to be gnomes, can't you? What's so bad about gnomes anyway?"

"Aha!" Gromnir said. "You don't know, do you? But I do! I know ALL the secrets, the hidden secrets of our world and others. He has shown me, oh yes, he has shown me everything."

"That's nice," Rini said in what she hoped was a placating voice. Great. So much for hoping he'd be stable and reasonable. Maybe he can still be convinced though?

"They're monsters! Monsters I tell you, all the gnomes are monsters! Not people, monsters! And if they're monsters, does it not follow that they are agents of all our destruction, bent on slaying us all? Where did I put the mirrors? Where?"

"Ah yes," Edwin said, nodding. "It all makes sense when you think of it that way, doesn't it? (The stories…the turnips…all designed to drive a sane individual to the brink of madness.)"

"Well, we're not gnomes," Viconia said. "And we don't need any mirrors either."

"You may not! But I do!" Gromnir hunched down on his throne, nervously gnawing on his already chipped and cracked nails. "How else can I tell if I'm here or not?"

"Ah, my poor friend," Minsc said, patting the half-orc on the back. "A long night of revelry and feasting often makes one feel thus. Boo recommends a chilled mixture of one raw egg, a drop of honey, and fresh peppers."

"No! You don't understand! He told me, don't you see? He told me that half-orcs don't actually exist. So if I'm here, I must be imagining it. But if I'm in the mirror, maybe I'm real after all. Don't you see? Can you hear me?"

"Yesss…" Rini said, trying to make sense of this. "And see you too. So you must be real. Maybe you shouldn't be listening to 'him' so much. Maybe he's just trying to trick you."

"No," Gromnir said, vehemently shaking his head. "I know he tricks, I know he lies. But he tells the truth as well." He leaned forward, eyes gleaming. "He told me you'd come. He told me."

"Um…that's nice. Did he tell you anything else about me?"

"That you'd tell my future. He promised you'd show me my future! And I need to know, I need to know. If I've got a future, I must be real. Unless they're tricking us both."

"They?"

"You know. Them. The Faceless Ones. The ones on whose puppetstrings we all dance." Gromnir nodded again, little flicks of spittle spraying from his mouth. "They rule the world, you know. Them and their little games. They've got it all set up. They've got it all written down, numbers, numbers and statistics. They know how we work. They make us do things. Oh gods, I can hear the dice rolling in my head!" He gave a brief howl, clutching his head with his hands and then pounded the throne with his fists. "Tell me! I must know! I MUST!"

"Was I that far gone?" Sarevok whispered, sounding rather shocked.

"Getting there," Rini whispered back. "But you didn't seem to have the gnome obsession though."

"That's a small relief. Well, little sister, you'd best do as he asks, or we won't get further. Not that I think he's fit to be a champion for this miserable city anyway."

"Right," Rini said, stepping forward. "Look, Gromnir," She said. "I can't promise this'll work, but I'll give it a try, ok? And if I do, will you at least promise to listen to what I've come to ask you for?"

"Yes, yes! Gromnir hears, Gromnir will listen!"

"Talking in third person now," Imoen said out of the corner of her mouth while smiling stiffly. "Better hurry up sis, not looking good."

The bard sighed, and stood next to the miserable half-orc. She took out her special deck of cards, stroking a finger lightly across it. "Gromnir Il-Khan," She said. "Show me what's in his future, please." She drew a card at random, then turned it over. It was black, black as deepest night, apart from one lone figure. It was a grinning skeleton, carrying a scythe across its back and trampling corpses under its feet. Stark white bones formed letters across the top, spelling out 'Death'.

"AGH!" Gromnir shouted. "Death! Gromnir sees, Gromnir knows! It's death, death, death!"

"Er, probably just a minor flu or something," Rini said, trying to sound confident. "Or a bad dream. I get lots of those. And anyway, everybody dies, sooner or later. Could be ages you what, I'll try again." She glared at the cards. "Gromnir Il-Khan. Immediate future." She turned over a second card, then stared back into hollow eyesockets. "Er…best out of three. You look perfectly healthy to me, I'm sure we're still good. Yep, still good. Sure of it. You're still breathing, aren't you?"

"NO!" Gromnir bellowed. "It's Death I tell you, Death! Gromnir is doomed!" He suddenly sat bolt upright, an eerie calm descending on him and a strange, pale light filling his eyes. "Who sent you? Who? Was it the gnomes?"

"No!" Rini protested. "No gnomes, I promise. Look, we mean no harm. Melissan just wanted us to come talk to you, to convince you to help defend the city."

"Melissan…" Gromnir said, chuckling quietly. "Yes. Pretty Melissan. Melissan sees. Melissan knows."

"Right. So if you'd just listen…."

"Gromnir knows what you are now." The half-orc stood, slowly lifting a huge axe from its restingplace at the side of the throne. Magical runes were etched into the sharp blade, and it crackled and sparked as it moved. Gromnir grinned, and his muscles seemed to expand, swelling until they were fairly bursting out of his armour. "Not a gnome, no. Not one of the space lizards, not the dire owls who aren't what they seem. Not even one of the Faceless Ones. No. He has told Gromnir. Gromnir hears his voice, all the time now. Gromnir sees you truly now…sister."

Ooops. So much for diplomacy. Ok, mirror image first, stoneskin, then dodge and roll, and then…

"GROMNIR WILL SLAY YOU! GROMNIR WILL SLAY ALL BHAALSPAWN! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! GROMNIR WILL…"

There was a thick beam of bright red light, followed by a wet, crackling noise, and then the sound of something spattering across the floor followed by a heavy body hitting the floor. Rini stared at the large corpse, and especially at the bloody mess wrapped in thin metal foil. It wasn't really recognizable as a head, not anymore. Anything other than the metal foil seemed to have been vaporised into tiny, tiny bits. As she watched, the rest of the body gradually turned into sparkling dust, blown away by a brief and sudden gust of wind.

"Hm," Edwin said with a smug smile. "It would seem his protective foil, efficient as it might be against gnomish mindcontrol, is no match for a localized Disintegrate. Let's hope he kept his receipt."

"Noooooo! Gromnir, NOOOOOOO!" Melissan suddenly burst into the room and crumpled to the floor, the pile of dust that had been Gromnir Il-Khan running through her fingers in a steady stream. "I see that I am too late to stop this wanton bloodshed," Melissan said, tears trickling down her cheeks. "Oh Gromnir, woe!"

"Er, sorry?" Zaerini said with an apologetic grin. "But he did mean to kill us, you know. He wasn't exactly reasonable about it."

"Oh, I understand, I quite understand," Melissan said. She swiftly wiped her tears away with one hand, leaving little smudges of Gromnir on her face and then stood, decisively smoothing her blue dress. "As tragical as this is, I understand you had no choice. I'm sure the people of Saradush won't blame you too much as they are all slaughtered without the heroic Gromnir Il-Khan to protect them either."

"Oh, please," Viconia scoffed. "The man was clearly delusional. Even had he cared to protect anything other than his own skin, he was so far gone into la-la land that he would have been a liability rather than an asset on a battlefield." Viconia's red eyes narrowed. "I cannot imagine how you failed to spot that."

"Well," Melissan said, smiling a brittle smile which didn't quite reach her eyes. She adjusted her neat coils of red hair. "We'd been out of touch."

"Speaking of that," Edwin said. "How exactly is it that you are here? Didn't you say you needed us to access this place and speak to Gromnir? (If it turns out she could just have waltzed in here all along, I'll reunite her with her beloved Gromnir by way of hellfire.)"

"Ah, yes," Melissan said, the smile never leaving her face. "Gromnir had taken me prisoner. As you say, he'd grown delusional enough to mistrust even me."

"So…if he took you prisoner, then how come you're not in a cell somewhere?" Imoen said, scratching her head. "That's what's usually happens when you're a prisoner. I should know."

"Oh, I escaped." Melissan nodded. "There was this dog in the prison area, with the key to my cell hanging around his neck. I found a bone, a sad and lonely bone, in my cell, and I flicked it over to entice the dog closer. Then, using a cunning mechanism of wires put together from old coathangers, combined with a fishhook, a tailfeather from a talking parrot, and a rubber chicken on a pulley, I picked the lock and made my daring escape!" She paused, observing the adventurers. "Fine, fine. I told the guard I'd sleep with him and kneed him in the groin when he opened the celldoor. Happy now?"

The first story sounded more plausible, Rini thought. Then again, who knows.]

"Hey, none of our business," She simply said, shrugging. "But what is our business, is that we still need to leave this place. I know we didn't manage to draft Gromnir for your army, but we tried our best, and now we really need those shields down so we can get out of here." And I hope I can manage the teleport trick without messing something up.

Melissan frowned briefly, and for a moment Rini was sure she would refuse. Then the older woman nodded, as if she'd made a difficult decision. "Very well. There is little reason to keep you confined to the city now. You will be able to be of far more aid to Saradush if allowed to leave."

"Saradush?" Edwin scoffed. "This miserable dustbowl, this insignificant fleck of dirt on a best forgotten map? Why should...ow!"

"Right you are!" Rini said, hoping Melissan hadn't seen her pinch her lover. "Just let us leave and we'll get right on to that."

"Boo approves, helping people is important! Can we charge into battle and lay waste to all the evil giants now?"

"Um, maybe later."

Melissan cleared her throat. "I am not blind," She calmly stated. "I know that once I have let you go, you may think you have no reason to do as I ask. This is, however, quite wrong. Yaga-Shura intends to slay all Children of Bhaal, leaving himself as the sole surviving heir to Bhaal's power. I'm sure I needn't point out to you that if you don't go after him he will eventually come after you."

"Hmpf," Sarevok scoffed. "No imagination at all. Just throwing himself randomly at a city like that. At least I was subtle with my schemes. Does this Yaga-Shura even bother to hire any assassins, I ask you?"

"Well there was this woman in the woods who tried to kill me," Rini admitted. "No idea who she was working for though."

"Fine, but he still doesn't have anything as ingenious as my iron-poisoning scheme up his sleeve, does he? Just a huge army of firegiants. Not that I'd have said no to a huge army of firegiants at the time."

"Let's say I agree with you," Rini said, turning to Melissan again. "How am I supposed to kill Yaga-Shura? He's a giant in the middle of an army of giants. How am I supposed to get to him?"

Melissan smiled pleasantly. "I'm afraid getting to him will be the easy part. You see, Yaga-Shura is invulnerable."

"Oh is that all," Edwin sneered. "Any other joyous news? Would you like us to attempt finding dry water perhaps, or bring you the legs of a snake or an honest politician?"

"More importantly," Viconia commented, "Does he have any nice treasure?"

"I cannot say how to defeat him," Melissan solemnly said, clasping her hands in front of her. "What I do know, however, is that Yaga-Shura wasn't always invulnerable. He was raised not amongst his own kin, but in the Forest of Mir, not far from here. Something…happened to him, there. Perhaps there, you may find an answer. Will you at least agree to try?"

"I've got something else I need to find as well," Rini said. "But I also don't want to get killed, so…"

"Where you choose to go first is your choice," Melissan said. "I will ask no more than that you try. Now, I will raise the shield protecting the city in exactly an hour's time, and for five minutes only. If you intend to leave through magical means that will be the time to do it." She nodded to them all, her blue eyes cool and calm. "I will see you again. I pray you succeed and return triumphant." Then she swept out of the room, head held high.

"Don't tell me you trust her," Imoen said, putting her hand on her sister's arm.

"No," Rini said with a sigh. "I don't. She's definitely got some sort of agenda of her own. But I don't think she's lying about Yaga-Shura, at least. Still, before we go chasing off after the giant, we've got other things to do. Right, Eddie?"

Edwin smiled at her.

One hour later, Zaerini was coming to the conclusion that focusing mysterious inherited divine powers of teleportation would be a whole lot easier if there wasn't the constant distraction of fireballs crashing down into the street outside the inn. Knowing that her time was limited didn't exactly help either.

You worry too much, Softpaws told her, her silky head butting against the half-elf's hand. Rini had closed her eyes in order to help concentrate, and also in order not to have to see the anxious faces of her companions. You know what to do, you've done it before. Just pull yourself together, and we will be there.

Oh yes? And since when are cats experts on dimensionjumping?

Pfft. All cats know how to be where they want to be. So do you, Kitten. That other place is as real as this one. There's no reason why we shouldn't be there rather than here, is there?

Huh. I suppose so…

She could feel shadows, swirling around her, higher and higher, dancing lazily like rising smoke. She pulled them closer, inside, and she could see the place she wanted to be in her mind's eye now, the darkness of her own pocketplane reaching out to greet her. Then again…the way it's set up is pretty dull and boring, isn't it? I'm sure I could do better…

That thought stuck with her even as she felt a peculiar twisting sensation in her stomach, and when she opened her eyes again, she saw that she'd been right. It was the pocketplane, she could feel Bhaal's power surrounding it, enclosing it from all sides. However, it didn't look the way it had before. Gone were the stone platforms and the echoing emptiness. Instead, she was standing in a glade within a dark forest. There was a campsite here, with covered wagons painted in all the colours of the rainbow, and decorated with grinning faces, winking stars and esoteric runes. The fire in the middle of the glade was warm and inviting, but with an odd purple tinge to it. Faint, tinkling music hung in the air, a melody both mirthful and vaguely sinister, and though the musicians were nowhere to be seen she could also hear the occasional muffled giggle from within the tall trees and glimpse quick flashes of shining eyes.

"Well," Viconia said, raising an eyebrow. "It is an improvement of sorts, I suppose. Did you remember to stock those wagons with food?"

"No idea," Rini admitted, still taking everything in with wide eyes. "If I didn't, I can probably fix that. I think in this place I can pretty much do what I want."

"Just so, little sister," Sarevok said with a thin smile. "You have learned much."

"I hope the beds are good," Imoen wistfully said. "Dibs on that pink wagon, by the way!"

"The beds can wait," Edwin insisted. "We have places to go, remember?"

"Of course, Eddie," Rini said, squeezing his hand. "Just…remember that I'm new to this, ok? I'm really improvising here."

"I understand," He admitted. "It is just...who knows how much time we have?"

"Heroic rescues wait for no man," Minsc agreed. "Our poor lost friend may be suffering horribly in the clutches of the Evil Wizards even now, denied even the comfort of a friendly hamster to soothe his soul in his final hours. We must go at once, is that not so, friend Edwin?"

Edwin nodded faintly, his face a ghastly pale yellow.

"Right," Rini said, inwardly wondering how to tell Minsc to avoid further attempts at encouragement. "Let's see what I can do."

It was easier this time around, she was more in control of the Bhaalpower by now and it all felt more natural. Was it stronger as well? It felt that way. Or is it me? Where will it end, I wonder? But, no, that was a distracting thought. Focus was the key here. Her will guided this tiny world, and she couldn't afford to let it go astray, or bad things might happen. Vadrak Dekaras, where are you? There was something…a glimmer, a shift within the dark forest, rustling noises crying out to be heard. But she was blocked, there were barriers in her path, icy walls she kept slipping against. Powerful. Very powerful. But there are other ways. If she couldn't go through the walls, she could find a way around them, surely. I can't travel directly to him it seems. But a place where we can learn where to go next, yes. There will be a trail, and I will find it.

Just as she thought that the thorny branches of the bushes parted, creaking as they twisted out of her way. There was a path before her where none had been before, narrow and winding, and the ground was glowing with a faint red light.

"Spooky," Imoen said. She bent down to poke the ground. "What's doing it?"

"Me, I think," Rini said with an apologetic shrug. "It'll make it easier to find the way. This path should take us closer, at least."

"And if doesn't?" Edwin said. He didn't sound accusing. In a way, that would have been better.

"Then we try again," She firmly stated. "And again, and again, if we have to, until we get it right." She smiled at him, trying to make it look as confident as she could. "Race you there?" She didn't wait for him to answer, but she took his hand again and pulled him along, pausing only to make sure that the others were with her. The branches closed in again behind her. It was pitch black here, only the red glow of the path to be seen, and the whispers and giggles in the forest grew louder.

…astray…?

…no…the path is clear…

…in the darkness, can there be clarity?

…sssh…

…dark ones are…

….and She…

…her? Or the other….

…lies, truth…beware!

…they are waiting.

Just as she thought she wouldn't be able to stand it any longer, the path widened, and there was light ahead of her. Only faint light, but natural, the pale light of a starry sky and a gibbous moon, and as she took her next step, she knew she was no longer within the pocketplane. There was a forest still, and it had a dark and oppressive feel to it, with low branches nearly blotting out the sky, but it was a natural forest all the same. She turned around, doing a quick headcount, and then sighed with relief that all of her friends were present and accounted for. Then she turned again, to get her bearings, and she felt a scream rising in her throat as the darkness rose out of the ground like a pillar of smoke and ashes, only to take on a horribly familiar shape.