Shit is about to go down...

Recap: Buffy confessed to her mom she is scared about Angel leaving and her getting heartbroken again so her mom sent her down to talk to him. Angel tried to make Buffy understand that he won't be going anywhere until she no longer needs him but he will be leaving again. Buffy got really mad and stormed out of her house without telling Angel where she was going.

Thank you to everyone who read the last chapter and has come back for me, I really appreciate it. Thank you to those of you that followed, favourited and reviewed the last chapter. I t means the world to me and I love knowing what you guys think.

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its original characters do not belong to me

Built Up Walls: Chapter 9: Snapped

Angel
I am worried about Buffy. She has been missing since this morning and no one has heard from her or seen her, I've been looking for her everywhere; Giles', Willow's, Xander's, the school, the cemetery, the docks, the mall and The Bronze but I can't find her. Everyone is looking for her and Joyce has said if Buffy is not back by midnight then she is calling the police and making this an official missing person's case for them. She was going to call them this afternoon but I got her to give me some time, see if I can find her myself and try and get through to her. I know her little snap at me this morning wasn't because of me leaving; not really, it's more to do with her bottling things up. I know her better than she probably knows herself right now and she has bottled up everything she is feeling about this attack that happened on her. She won't open up to people and she is about to explode, this morning was just a little taste of that.

Of course I know she doesn't want me to leave again and believe me, I don't want to go but I meant what I told her earlier. Us being together was doomed from the start and we kid ourselves thinking it was going to end like some fairy tale story and we would live happily ever after but she has to understand the reality. I hate being the one to cause her more pain and upset, but I promised her I would be here for her until she no longer needs me and I truly meant that but if I am causing her more harm than good I'll leave now and let her recover in peace. I want to be there for her and comfort her, she has relied on me for comfort as much as I have relied on her for love but I don't want to make this worse. Maybe I should just help find her and when she's found and I'm sure she is ok, I'll leave and this time I promise she won't have to see me again.

Buffy will get over me. I know she said she won't get over me but she will, she is young and beautiful and kind and she is going to have guys falling at her feet. Any guy would be lucky to have her in his life, I really want nothing but the best for her because that is what she deserves and I know I can't be that person. I want to be, more than anything in the world, I want to be with her as a human and have all of the human experiences but it's not going to happen and we need to face up to that. I won't tell Buffy this but I have been doing some searching since I've been away and I have been looking at spells and speaking to witches trying to find out if there is a way for me to be human again... so far I've come up blank but one day I hope I can find a cure to this stupid vampire thing and maybe then I will get to be with Buffy. Obviously if she hasn't moved on by then which I'm sure she will, like I said a lot of guys will be dropping at her feet so I'm sure she'll find someone else fairly quickly. Girls like Buffy do not stay single for long.

I honestly have no idea where she could be, I don't know why she would do this to us... her mother, and she must know how worried we would be about her. She should have called to check in with someone, anyone, I don't care who but just someone so we know that she is ok. Right now Buffy is not in a good head space; she thinks I'm leaving her because I want to be with other women which is ridiculous, she has just been raped by a serial rapist that no one seems to know the identity of and she feels abandoned by her father after he started cancelling their 'daddy daughter' weekends. Buffy has got a lot swirling through her head right now and I don't know where she would go when she's like this.

I have no idea where else I could look and no one seems to know of anywhere else either. I'm worried she's going to run into a vampire or a demon and things are going to go bad, or worse, she's going to go looking for the guy that hurt her and she is going to kill him. As much as I want to kill him for what he did, Buffy doesn't understand what it means to take a human life and I know it won't make her feel better. That kind of thing stays with you for the rest of your life and it changes everything. I know he deserves it but Buffy doesn't deserve to carry that burden. Killing a vampire is different because we're already dead and we kill people. Demons are different because they kill and hurt people but a human... it just changes something inside of you, like a mark on your soul or something.

Why did I let her walk out of the house? I should have just pulled her back down into the basement with me and talked some sense into her. Actually, I never should have let her leave the basement in the first place. Being alone is the worst thing for her right now, she needs to be around those that love her and want to take care of her. I know she's angry and for good reason but now is not the time for her to go off half cocked somewhere without having someone to watch her back.

"Angel! Angel wait up!"

Willow came running towards me, I stopped to wait for her and she smiled at me as she stopped running and tried to get her breath back.

"Have you found her?" I asked her.

"No," She answered then paused to take a couple of deep breaths "But I think I know where she is, it is the only place you haven't checked," She said.

"I've checked everywhere," I stated.

"A couple days after you first left she did a disappearing act and everyone was really worried. It took me hours but I eventually found her," She told me smiling.

"Are you going to tell me where it is or do I have to guess?"

"Your apartment," She stated like it was obvious.

"My apartment... I don't think there is anything there anymore," I replied.

"She said she went there because it reminded her of you and it made her feel close to you when she was missing you. We have thought of everywhere she could be and this is the last place on the list," She said.

"Ok, I'll go and look there."

I got to my old apartment and saw that the door was open a small crack, I guess she was here. I opened the door and saw Buffy sitting in the corner of the room with her back against the wall, her knees brought up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her knees and tears streaming down her face. She looked up at me as I came in but she didn't stand up or move, I wasn't sure what to do now that I found her. Should I keep my distance and stay here or should I go over to her and comfort her? She left her house because of me, I don't want her running away from here because I don't think I'd ever find her.

"How'd you find me?" She asked in a raspy voice.

"Willow said she found you here once," I answered.

"Good old Willow, always wanting to help," She said bitterly and stood up from her spot on the floor.

"Are you ok?" I questioned.

"Is that all I'm ever going to be asked from now on?"

"The last thing I want to do is upset you but I think you need to talk to someone," I said and took a step towards her but she put herself in a defence position so I backed away towards the door again to give her space, she is on edge right now and I need to try and keep her calm.

"Why do I need to talk to someone?" She asked.

"Holding in these feelings isn't good for you," I answered.

"I can't exactly talk to you about it," She argued.

"Why not?" I asked.

"I know your past and I know what you did to women," She spat at me.

"I was-"

"You raped women! You sexually assaulted them! You want me to open up to you about what happened to me, fine, I'll tell you," She started, she took her jacket off and threw it down on the floor "When he followed me into that alleyway, I couldn't fight him back and I felt weak, hopeless and defenceless. I didn't even really know what was happening to me. I woke up in the hospital with no recollection of what happened to me, a nurse told me what happened to me. I have never felt so sick, violated, disgusted, angry, stupid, weak and vulnerable in my whole life," She started pacing in front of me and I could see her getting really riled up "Someone forced themselves on me whilst I was out of it. It's not just the bruises on my neck and wrists, I have them on my thighs where he pried my legs apart and my hips where he dug his fingers into me 'for better grip'," She lifted her shirt and pulled the side of her pants down slightly so I could see the marks.

I felt myself getting angry listening to her and what happened. Seeing the bruises and marks on her made me want to go out there, find this kid and kill him but she's right. She can't talk to me about any of this and I was probably not the best person to be here with her right now.

"You're right. I'm not the person to help you with this," I turned my back and reached out to open the door but stopped when I heard Buffy.

"Don't you dare walk away from me!" She shouted and I turned back to face her.

"I was a monster and I did monstrous and evil things! I can't change that, I wish I could but I can't! I came back to help you but I just seem to be making things worse so I'll leave. I'll call Willow to come down here and be with you," I told her "Unless you allow me to help you," I added.

"You can't help me! No one can help me!" She screamed.

"We can help you, if you let us," I told her.

"You want to kill him? Is that what you're going to do to help me?" She questioned.

"Of course I want to kill him! I want to find him then rip him apart for what he did to you. I want to rip him limb from limb, painfully and slowly. I want him to look me in the eyes and know he is dying," I shouted back at her.

How did Buffy not understand that I wanted to kill this guy? I love her and knowing someone has hurt her like this makes me go crazy. I wish at this very moment I didn't have my soul so I could go and do him some real damage.

"You think I don't want to kill him?" She questioned "I would love nothing more than to kill him but it won't change anything. I will still be one of his victims... when you got your soul back when you were cursed, did it change anything? Did it change what you had done to people? No. Nothing will change the past," She explained.

"So what do you want to do about it Buffy? Do you want to let him win? He wants to destroy your life and you are letting him. You are stronger than that, you have fight in you and you have people to stand in your corner willing to help you. Tell me what you want to do and I'll be there." I said to her.

She was still pacing and still very on edge. She needs to vent her anger out on someone, maybe that's how I'm going to help her. I can be the one that helps her vent all this anger and aggression she has out so that she can start dealing with this.

"You want to hit something," I stated and she turned to look at me with a quizzical look on her face "Hit me," I added.

"I'm not going to hit you," She replied.

"Do it, hit me!" I shouted "Vent, let your anger out... if you're not going to go after him, take it out on me instead." I told her and stepped closer to her.

"Stop it!" She shouted back.

"I deserve it, hit me!" I stepped closer to her again, pushing the boundaries.

Buffy pushed me away but I stepped to her again and I saw her face change, I saw it in her eyes, this was it. Buffy punched me in the face, I fell back a step from the impact but I went to her again and she punched me in the face, then again, and again and again.

I pushed Buffy back but she came at me like an animal. She pounced on me and started hitting me however and wherever she could, I fell down to the floor and she was on top of me just punching me over and over again. I could feel the skin on my lip split open and I could taste blood in my mouth, my face was hurting but I'll take it if this is what she needs.

Her punches started to get weaker and I felt the wetness of her tears drop down onto my face and chest. Her face had changed from angry to sad, she had got it out of her system, all of this pent up aggression. She got up off me and backed away from me in tears. I sat up and watched as she went back to the corner of the room I first found her in and slid down the wall.

"Angel, I am so sorry," She whimpered.

"You don't need to apologise," I said calmly and stood up.

"Your face... I hurt you," She replied.

"I deserved it," I stated and went over to her, sitting down beside her.

"I'm sorry." She sobbed.

I wrapped my arm around her and let her lean against me. Her tears wetting my shirt but I didn't care, I was just glad she was allowing me to be here for her. Buffy sobbed into my chest as I just sat on the floor next to her and held her, like I did last night when I got back.

That was a slightly longer chapter then normal! I'm glad Buffy seems to be getting this aggression out that she has been holding in but what is going to happen now? How is Angel going to help her with the rest of it and will Buffy allow her friends in now?

Thank you for reading, I really hope you have enjoyed this chapter and I can't wait to see you for the next one.

As always, I would love it if you would please follow, favourite and review!

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