Shinji's Paradox
Chapter 9:
Hunger
May 6th, 1989, 4:27 PM, Matou Residence.
Six days after Zouken gave me my early birthday gift, the worms have started to make themselves comfortable. They had been exploring my body. A slightly unpleasant experience, but not nearly as painful as that half-hour spent in the workshop after I'd swallowed them. I feel one of the worms rub up against my shoulder blade, and I suppress the urge to wince at the sensation.
Sakura had put up with worse than this against her will for a little over a decade, bathing in that pit almost daily. And as far as I was aware it was with hundreds of worms at once. Comparing our circumstances wasn't even worth the thought, and the memory easily put my situation into perspective; I should be able to handle playing host to only five of the things at my own request.
So, while I wait for the crest worms to adapt to my body— or make my body adapt to them, as it were— I buried my nose in the books of the Matou library. Zouken had given me a study assignment to memorise and eventually use some of the mysteries that that crest worms carried within them. Half of everything was written down in the book currently laid out before me, and a second volume within reach to my left contained the other half.
A few of the mysteries and wisdom penned and printed into these books involved the use of insects and birds as familiars, but the majority of them were absorption-based spells that performed things such as sealing, binding, and fusing to achieve various ends. Among those topics, the variety of magecraft and uses was kind of overwhelming. The original end goal of the entire speciality was to bind the entire planet to the casting magus' will as a way to open a path to Akasha.
Zouken had probably abandoned that purpose.
There was also the specifications that the Matou— or rather, the Makiri spellbook— had relating to its core thaumaturgical foundation; the native faith of the Russian Slavic people. There were a few hundred detailed rituals with outlines for the use of various levels of thaumaturgy and restrictions on how incantations and spellcasting should be done to access the foundation in the first place.
"Slavic paganism, huh?" Einzbern probed, looking over my shoulder at the open page.
'Mmm,' I hummed.
"I'll admit I don't know very much about it," she said, "I never really concerned myself with anything other than alchemy and the basics of more common foundations…"
'It's basically the collection of various faiths that were predominant in Pre-Christian Russia,' I explained, 'And they're still around today in some form or another, so the foundation still exists. The spellbook messes around with some Eastern Orthodoxy too so…'
"So you could use spells that depend on both foundations?" Einzbern tried to finish when I trailed off.
'Once the worms have finished whatever it is they're doing in my arms.'
The creatures spent almost all of their time coiling around the bones in my upper limbs. I knew that my circuit layout passed by those areas, so perhaps that's where they needed to be to access my odic force. I would feel them nibbling on my muscles on occasion whenever they were hungry.
… like right now.
'Hold on for a moment, Einzbern-san,' I said.
I shut my eyes and converted some magical energy with my nerves, which I carefully shifted to the circuits near the worms. They quickly approached the usual places I'd been feeding them as they sensed the energy gathering and began to suck it out from my circuits directly.
A few minutes later, the worms were satisfied and relaxed.
"You all right?" The ghost asked, moving closer to inspect my face.
'It's manageable… for now. As they get older they'll probably need to consume more prana more frequently…' I said as I rubbed my tired eyes. 'It doesn't help that feeding them is so inefficient.'
Einzbern cocked her head. "What do you mean?"
'I mean that the energy is mostly still evaporating before I give it to the worms, so it takes a few minutes to feed them properly. If the energy wasn't all leaking out then it wouldn't even take one.'
"Sounds pretty tedious just for the ability to complete spellcasting without your nerves getting fried… are you sure this was a good trade-off?"
'I'm willing to put up with it,' I said.
"If you say so, Matou-san," she sighed, "I think the mystic code was a better idea."
'I agree, but I still think it would have been impossible to leave the workshop without the worms. Besides, I think I can still do that… it would make feeding the worms less intensive.'
"Yeah…" she said dejectedly before sighing again.
'If it makes you feel better about it, we could figure out another way to get magical energy somehow. What about that… blood vial thing?'
"Oh, that?" she said, "Bodily fluids mix with magical energy, so mages tend to bottle their blood and sell it if they need money."
'Like a… mana potion?'
Einzbern gave me a weird look.
'It's… a mundane term for a drink that has something like magical energy in it,' I explained.
"… uh… well that's exactly how the blood method works…" Einzbern said thoughtfully, "But if 'mana potions' did exist, then the energy would just evaporate from your circuits after you drank one, right?'
'What if I fed the worms directly with a needle?'
"They can already drink your blood whenever they want, Matou-san. And since your circuits leak it so much, yours is probably saturated with it."
'No, no, I mean I could feed them a mixture with more prana than blood can hold.'
"With this 'mana potion' idea of yours?" she blinks a few times, "What are you asking, exactly?"
'Is there anything out there that can contain more magical energy than bodily fluids?'
The ghost thought deeply about it for a moment. "… there are a few; some of them are used to make homunculi. They have to be treated for decades for what they are needed for— and I don't think you have that long. Also, the main benefit of them in that process is that most of them are reusable liquid metals. Other substances are inedible solids— or poisonous— so they aren't something you can just eat or drink."
'So natural animal fluids aren't necessary?'
"That was the conclusion you came to?" she was failing to contain her exasperation, "Bodily fluids mix with magical energy the fastest because it's natural, and human blood is the best for humans to use because it's less foreign than something like… horse blood. If a more effective substance existed it would have been discovered already."
'I didn't hear a "no" there.'
"Well, it's not like I can stop you; look into whatever you think helps with this goal of yours," she said with a groan, "Actually… what is your plan for Zouken?"
'I'm going to have him teach me how,' I said as I tapped the page in front of me a few times, 'Have him make his own worst enemy. I know that the odds I'll be able to deal with him early on are pretty much zero. He's got to have some kind of weakness though, so I might be able to figure out what it is if I learn more of the Makiri magecraft.'
"You've actually put some thought into this," she said curiously.
'What do you mean "actually"?' I said, turning the page, 'This is all I really care about.'
She took an unsteady breath. "So… anything else is—"
'Not important,' I finished for her, 'I can worry about other things after I step over his corpse.'
"… you know that might be impossible, right?" Einzbern said with a frown.
I look her in the eyes. 'I'm willing to take that risk.'
"Even if it means you miss out on your second chance?"
I nodded.
After a moment she floated over to the corner of the room. "I'm going to sleep. Wake me if anything happens."
I just stared at her with an eyebrow raised. She looked back at me stoically for a few moments before she lowered her head and entered her sleep state.
Why is she so difficult to understand?
Or, rather, why is it so difficult for her to understand that none of this is her business in the first place? She said she was going to help me with this…
And she is. So I guess maybe I should be a… little grateful.
But It's my life! I can do whatever I want with it, and if it all turns out badly in the end then I guess that's how the dice fall. There's no way I can just leave Zouken as he is. Not after that first week.
… that throbbing returns. I look away from the ghost and return to the book. If I focus on reading, then it'll go away… maybe.
Just maybe.
July 14th, 1989, 5:51 PM, Matou Residence.
I sat alone in a highchair at the dining table, staring down at the cutlery already placed on the white tablecloth. Spoons. We're having soup, then.
Byakuya is in the kitchen, preparing the meal with Sadashi Imai's assistance. The mansion was always difficult to look after, and housemaids had actually been something that had always been around during my first lifetime; we'd had a lot of them in the old causality. I didn't recall Imai among them, but she probably ended up downstairs like the rest of them did if she ever worked here.
The day has been complete agony, and even the nursery school staff had been able to tell that I wasn't in a good way. I underestimated how unpleasant the crest worms would get. Zouken had warned me about it, but I'd thought those first few moments would be the peak of that pain, with the future being uncomfortable yet tolerable.
I was… hasty with that assumption. Sakura's situation in the old causality was all the background information I needed to have understood that. I should have known better than to think too optimistically about the potential uses of the crest worms harboured in my body.
They were becoming way more demanding to care for, requiring me to funnel more magical energy to them as time passed. And I've reached the point where I have to generate energy continuously to feed them; I had to channel my od into prana non-stop since I woke this morning.
I can't even try to cast spells anymore. They eat everything.
I fucked up.
I'm back at square one; no magical energy.
I'd spent the first year of my new life trying to find a way to acquire the stuff; an effort that led to me tapping into my od with my nerves. Another two and all I have to show for it is near-crippling pain.
"You deal with the discomfort quite well."
I turned towards the doorway to see Zouken standing in it.
"You can't hide that from me, Shinji," he said, "I'm too familiar with pain not to recognise it."
"… they eat non-stop now," I said.
"Hmph… perhaps I overestimated the number of worms you can handle," he said, glaring at me.
I glared back at the bastard.
"How are you going to deal with it?" he demanded harshly.
I paused for a few seconds allowing the question to hang in the air.
I don't know.
The end goal is the same as it's always been since day one; I need prana. But this time, I need more— much more. But that didn't help me, because I just threw away the only solution I'd had when I gulped down the worms.
As for methods… I'd discussed them with Einzbern recently, didn't I? Mystic codes, blood, and formalcraft.
She had said that a mystic code would take decades though, and there's no way I could sustain these worms that long without them getting even more demanding in the meantime. Nothing I'd read in the library even suggested the basics of mystic code creation. And there's no way I'm letting Zouken help me with it; I'm not letting him have more control over the situation than he already has.
My own blood is probably not good enough for the worms either if they have to keep pestering me to feed them. Coaxing them into relying on it would probably give me issues with anaemia in the future, and I need to be able-bodied when I execute whatever strategy I come up with for Zouken.
And… what was formalcraft again? It wasn't a way to gather magical energy, so it's useless in this circumstance… unless it is? Could I design a ritual to feed prana to the worms? How long would that take?
Zouken's head shifted as he raised an eyebrow impatiently.
I… need to maintain an air here. "Properly," I declared.
He let out a stifled huff as his posture relaxed. "Good answer. I suppose then, I should tell you that one of the worms you carry is female."
… oh, fuck.
The bastard pulled a fast one on me!
It couldn't get any worse than this, right?
"Don't fret just yet, Shinji," Zouken said, chuckling, "All of your pets are newborns, and you have a year until they reach maturity. I'm sure that within that time you can devise some method of coping with them."
This is… what could I…?
How many eggs would one worm lay? How frequently? Continuously? I can hardly handle five, how am I supposed to deal with a whole nests worth of the things?
… I'm sorry, Sakura. I should have taken you more seriously.
I could only return to staring at the table. My appetite had died too. Oh, crap, now the worms are acting up.
Calm down. Calm down…
"… oh? Overheard some of that did you?" Zouken said, glancing down the hall to left.
"Not much that I didn't already know."
I tensed up at Byakuya's voice.
"You already knew?" the elder responded quizzically.
There was a brief silence. "You… didn't forget that I'm a magus too, did you?" Byakuya said.
"Hmph. Barely," Zouken huffed, before leaving down the hall.
Byakuya walked into the dining room with Imai, who was pushing forward a trolley with a pair of what I assume are bowls of soup covered by cloches. The man seated himself opposite me and the housemaid began to serve the food on trays in front of us.
"… um… Matou-san?" Einzbern started.
'Yeah?' I said.
"You're hyperventilating."
I move my attention to my breathing and inhale deeply to regain control of it. The worms settled down as I do. I swear, it's a miracle these things haven't driven me insane yet. Channelling magical energy into my circuits was just as ridiculously calming as ever, and made the exponentially growing pain the creatures caused something I could only just tolerate.
"Thank you for your help, Imai-san," Byakuya said as Imai finished serving us.
She bowed after she'd completed her task and said nothing as she left to return to her duties, closing the door behind her. Her footsteps were audible for a few moments before they faded from my hearing completely.
Byakuya and I sat still as steam rose from the two bowls between us. He was watching me, but I was only looking at what had been revealed to be some sort of vegetable stew. I just wasn't that hungry anymore. Not after that revelation.
… it smells good, though.
"Not hungry, Shinji?" Byakuya asked, with a slight frown.
"… you knew about the worms?" I responded, not willing to change the topic just yet.
"Yes."
"How did y—"
"I followed you the night you went to Zouken's workshop," he revealed.
So he overheard everything. Saw everything. This means I don't have to act like a toddler at home anymore.
I don't know how I feel about that.
… wait a minute.
'Einzbern-san,' I said, 'You were at the workshop door that night, right?'
"… yeah, that's right," she said.
'And you didn't notice Byakuya?'
"Oh, I saw him," she nodded.
'Why didn't you tell me?'
"You didn't ask. And it's better this way; that he tells you on his own."
'Why?'
"So that you can be more honest with him. If what you say about him is true then you don't have time to waste before he—"
'I told you to stay out of this—'
"And I did stay out of it!"
'To have things go your way!'
"But he's trying to—" she cut herself off, rubbing her fingers on her temples.
'A fake headache, now? I know you don't feel anything the way you are; save the dramatics, Einzbern,' I said scornfully.
"I'm not faking a—" she stopped and glanced out of one of the room's windows briefly, "Whatever. Enjoy your meal."
She left the room through the wall.
This meddling girl is really getting annoying. If I remember correctly, she's been lying to me since the first week of the Paradox. Actually, she said she wasn't even sure if I was dying or not when she started this whole misadventure in the first place!
Bitch thinks she's some sort of puppet-master. She doesn't even get anything out of her efforts here; why should she care? The dead should stay out the affairs of the living unless they ask. And I didn't ask for her to get involved with me and my… father.
I hate calling him that.
"Shinji?"
I look up to find Byakuya looking at me with some false semblance of concern. "Are you okay?"
"… just dealing with an annoying noise in my head," I said.
"The worms are already talking to you?" Byakuya said with surprise.
"What? N-no not— the worms can talk?"
He looked relieved for a moment. "In their own strange way. They'll start to mess with your head… you might start hearing their voices at some point."
Voices. Another problem to worry about; one more won't make much difference anyway. Everything already starting to fall apart at the seams and I won't start expecting things to work the way I want.
I'll have to deal with it somehow though.
"So… how do you know that?" I asked, "About the voices."
"… I have two of them myself," Byakuya said, earning a surprised expression from me, "I should have said something that night; warned you not to take in that many of them or… something."
Regrets?
I don't believe that for even one second.
"Does that upset you?" Byakuya asked after watching my expression.
"… there's no point being upset over what's been done. I just need to deal with it."
"I see…" he said, lowering his head and picking up his spoon.
Once again I returned my attention to the bowl of food on the table. It looked like some kind of standard vegetable and mushroom stew; I could see mushrooms, seaweed, radish pieces… there's some chicken in there too. Chicken and vegetable stew… how simple. Did Byakuya make this with Imai-san's instruction?
"I'm not really that hungry," I admitted.
"And the worms?"
"They're always hungry."
He smiled and gestured to the bowl of soup in front of me. "Try it," he suggested.
I reluctantly take the spoon from beside the bowl, scoop up some of the soup. After that small exchange, it had cooled a little, so I didn't bother blowing on it. I put it into my mouth and start chewing through the vegetables and chicken meat.
… it's actually not that b— What?!
There's magical energy in the stew!
My eyes immediately shoot up to Byakuya, who was slowly eating his own portion. He noticed my sight on him and smirked.
"After living with the crest worms for so long, I… spent a great deal of time trying to find ways to support my efforts to feed them," he said.
I looked back and forth between him and the bowl of food in front of me. The prana from the spoonful I'd just swallowed was already evaporating from my circuits, but the worms had eaten what they could, allowing me to relax my od conversion briefly. Already, I was starting to feel a little better, as my circuits were able to refill my odic force to an appropriate amount and start to cool down.
Byakuya could see my surprise but waved a hand to convey that I didn't need to say anything. He fished a small piece of some sort of grated vegetable out of his bowl.
"When it comes to containing mana, not many things come close to the capacity of ginseng roots," he said, showing off the item on his finger, "It's not complicated magecraft; I just speed the natural absorption process along. I used to eat one before going to bed so I could actually sleep in the first place. I've never cooked with them before, so I didn't know if it would work."
I stared at him, not even trying to hide my surprise.
He dropped the ginseng piece back into the bowl in front of him and looked pridefully at me. "Do you like it?"
Byakuya had known something like this?
Breaking my stare, I pull another spoonful to my mouth and ate it greedily. It's slightly bitter, but otherwise, it's just a plain chicken and vegetable stew. Mild flavours from the ingredients mixed harmoniously. A gentle spiciness I didn't recognise that wasn't too harsh on my three-year-old tongue tied them all together.
More importantly, the magical energy entered my body and circuits. The worms would then suck out as much as they could before it all evaporated. The heat in my overworked circuits started to fade as I was able to stop draining my od with my twinging nerves for the first time all day.
"It's nice," I said quietly.
"Is it too bitter?" he asked.
"No."
"Is there enough magical energy in there for you?"
"I… yeah."
"… glad I could help," Byakuya said, eating another spoonful.
I too continued to eat, the mana fed the worms, and I was able to think a little bit more clearly as the pain dulled and the instinctive satisfaction of eating gave me some comfort.
… I never knew that Byakuya was a magus. I mean, I knew. But I simply didn't care about whatever kinds of magecraft he studied. I never really wondered what my alcoholic failure of a parent did in his spare time, and if I'd pried then might have ended badly.
Why was it different this time around?
… no. No. Stop. I don't care about it.
I just don't know where to go from here. All this brooding about Byakuya is a distraction I don't need. It doesn't matter, and I told Einzbern that much already. This is just the ghost's constant whining on the matter getting into my head.
Nothing more.
"I was surprised," Byakuya said suddenly, "When you went into Zouken's workshop."
I look up from the meal to see Byakuya glaring mindlessly at the tablecloth. There was a contemplative expression on his face that suggested he was trying to start speaking but didn't yet have the words.
"And… I was even more surprised to hear you talking in… that kind of way," he eventually continued, bringing his gaze up to me.
I held eye contact with him, but I only blinked a few times in response.
"I suppose I'm… proud of you," he said.
Okay. I wasn't expecting that.
"I don't think many people can say that their children can speak that fluently when they're only three years old," he continued, "If it's alright with you, I wouldn't mind having some… more complex conversations with you."
Where is this going?
"… about anything in particular?" I said to prompt him into elaborating.
"Um, no. Just… I just want to talk to you, really," he explained, "If there's anything you don't understand… or about something you like— anything really.
… just wants to talk to me, huh?
Though not my first choice, I would finally be able to speak normally with someone that isn't Einzbern. Between the worms and the nightmares wearing me down, I hadn't been able to put any thought into it, but something about her voice and appearance had been making me uneasy. Probably her constant attempts to get me to take Byakuya more seriously grating on my patience like a whiny piece of sandpaper.
I wasn't going to let her talk me into it, because it's a really stupid idea. I don't want to get attached to something or someone. It would only make them a target for Zouken should he ever decide I'm worth tormenting; I don't want that kind of pain weighing me down, and I shouldn't let it happen if I want to be the victor in a confrontation with him.
I can't afford to get close to Byakuya, and it should be easy since I never liked him. I won't change my mind about him. I can't… or I might have something to lose again…
But I want—
…
I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate that this has happened to me.
It's all that ghost's fault.
… but I guess it's a good idea to maybe forge some kind of… strictly professional relationship with Byakuya, though. The magecraft involving the ginseng roots is definitely worth learning if Byakuya is willing to teach it to me. The concept lines up with my mana potion idea, and if it works when eaten in this stew then why wouldn't it work in a substance specifically designed for it?
This might solve my issues with feeding the crest worms, and there may be other benefits if I manage to successfully develop the draught. Einzbern might stop trying to goad me into talking to him, too.
"… sure. I don't mind," I answered.
Byakuya seemed to almost smile for a short moment. "And… we need to go over the way you speak to Zouken."
At the mention of the elder, I remember that he is most assuredly observing both of us through a well placed familiar. I resist the urge to search the room for it, and knowing its location doesn't help me. Zouken doesn't need to know that I'm aware of it either; the lesser he thinks of me, the better.
"… we can talk about that now if you want. He's not here right now," I said.
"Probably listening in, though," Byakuya reminded me.
As that earlier line of thought becomes irrelevant, I glance at the dining room's entrance to act apprehensive of Byakuya's statement.
"Through a familiar," he elaborated.
"Oh… so, what did you want to say?" I asked.
"He didn't seem to mind that way you spoke to him that night… but if he thinks you're disrespecting him, the outcomes of that won't be very pleasant. He… he can be dangerous so… just be careful when you're talking to him in the future."
There he is; Zouken's dog.
"Right," I said to reassure him that I understood.
I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting, to be completely honest. Byakuya's always going to be the elder's tool.
… the worms are asking to be fed, so I'd better finish this stew. It won't completely solve the problem, but I could use the momentary reprieve from the soreness the worms inflicted on me. A moment of rest in this near-constant torment.
Maybe I can look forward to mealtimes a little more?
Au… gust? It… it's another… dream?
Berserker won't lose! He's the strongest!
Light bursts. Walls crumble.
Swept off my feet. By arms larger than me.
I'm safe.
More light. More flashes of steel.
Berserker won't lose to this grinning fool.
I'm safe.
That yellow-haired idiot keeps talking.
Why isn't he dead yet?
More golden light. The sounds of shredding flesh.
I'm safe…
Berserker roars. He charges.
Light. The dust of crumbling stone.
Berserker… bound?
I'm… safe?
Come back. Come back to me!
… why? Why won't he?
…
A… spear?
When will—?
Isn't this—?
How did—?
I'm not safe.
The world disappears into the darkness.
W-where is Berserker? Where did he go?
G-ahk!
The ground… I…
Where is—?
I drag myself forward.
Where is Berserker?! I can't see! I can't see!
Where are you?!
There's something warm and slick on my clothes.
'Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. EAT. EAT. EAT!'
I can hear laughter. It's loud.
'EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT.'
It beats on my head. Over and over.
'EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT.'
It's… loud…
'EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT.'
So… loud…
August 3rd, 1989, 12:43 PM, Matou Residence.
'EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT.'
Urk—!
The voice of the worms grates on my mind like a blade on my throat, as they chant their demands to be fed.
And I can't get that image out of my head.
'EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT.'
I try to start generating prana for them, but it makes my head feel like it's going to explode. My vision goes blurry and—
Something is coming out of my mouth.
… is that bile?
I barely manage to clamber out of Byakuya's bed, waking him in the process, before I spew stomach acids onto the floor. It's the most disgusting vomit I've ever tasted, and there's blood in it.
'EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT.'
"St-stop!" I said.
"Shinji?" I hear Byakuya behind me, pulling the sheets off of himself, "Oh— Oh no…"
I vomit again.
A crest worm falls to the floor into the puddle, writhing in protest at its unexpected expulsion.
"Shinji!" Byakuya shouted in worry as he hurried around the bed frame to reach where I'd fallen onto all-fours in pain.
"I-I'm fine!" I shout back. The effort makes my head spin.
"You are not fine," Byakuya said, putting a firm hand on my shoulder, "One of the worms burrowed into your stomach."
'EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT.'
It's painful.
"Why… why would they do that?" I asked.
"They're still young, they don't know a— better ye—. It wan— I— mi— ke," he… explained?
I grab the sides of my head and hunch forward, unintentionally dipping my forehead into the vomit. Something is wrong with my hearing; I only hear the chanting worms.
And that nightmare was…
"Shi— I n— y— to l— do—," Byakuya said something, but I only heard his muffled voice.
I need to… what? I can't even read his lips and he tries to talk to me.
'Einzbern, wake up!' I call out to the ghost.
"Hrrrmm…?" I hear her go through the usual waking motions; whatever it is that binds us together must be unaffected by all of this.
'Einzbern, please.'
"… EH?! What happened?!" She blurted out as I saw her float into my peripheral vision. Seems that I can hear what she's saying over the chants.
'EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT.'
… even if they aren't stopping.
'One of the worms… ate into my stomach,' I told her.
Byakuya's mouth was moving, but I still couldn't hear anything he was saying.
'I can't hear what he's saying… something's wrong with my ears,' I said painfully, 'Can you hear him?'
"Yes, I can hear him," Einzbern confirmed, listening to Byakuya as he spoke, "He asked you to lie down. He says he's going to try and mend the hole in your stomach."
I can feel Byakuya's hands gently coaxing me to lie on my back. I let him settle me down on the wooden floor, and he hovers one of his hands over my belly. He starts to speak, and his expression intensifies. I feel a faint spike of magical energy and see some dim white motes of light around his palm.
Healing magecraft?
'Is that… going to help with this?' I asked the ghost before I wince as a slight pain shoots up my gut.
"Honestly, I can tell just by watching that it a pretty weak spell. He'll probably be able to stop the internal bleeding though," Einzbern said, "He's not much of a magus, is he?"
'EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT.'
The unnatural chant continued to beat at my psyche, disrupting any focus I managed to pull together. I swallowed back some of the bitter fluid that was still being harboured in the back of my mouth. The act brought some of my attention away from all the noise bouncing around my head.
"He said you should try to keep the worms away from your stomach while he tries to fix the damage," Einzbern relayed Byakuya's words for me, "Can you pull them away from your stomach to somewhere else?"
'I… they might go to my circuits if I start to convert pra—'
"Don't tell me! Just do it, idiot!" she shouts.
I start converting prana again, expecting the effort to trigger another explosive headache. It did, but it wasn't as severe as before. I felt the worms still in my body start to gather around my circuits and start sucking energy from the flowing prana. Whatever they'd been doing before to cause so much discomfort had stopped and the pain started to subside, giving way to a just as unpleasant soreness.
'EAT. EAT. Eat… eat… eat-eat. Eat…? Eat…'
The chanting slowed and seemed to peter out into a muffled chatter. The prana flowing through my circuits also calmed me down slightly, as it always had. I could feel my heartbeat settling down and It became easier to breathe.
But I can't forget that nightmare.
It was all too obvious what that was, and as I thought about what it implied, questions began to pile up.
Why would I dream about that particular fight? How does it connect to the rest of the nightmares I'd had over the past year?
I had bailed from the scene after Berserker started regenerating, so I missed the second half of the thing and wandered in when the explosions stopped… so where did all this vivid detail come from?
The only other person there was Einzbern, and that was where she—
Something clicked.
A dislodged gear was jostled into place in my mind, and something within me whirred to life, shifting my perspective out of some sort of faulty alignment to…
The sound of snow being crushed beneath my soles as I ran. The warmth of her embrace. The joy of being carried in his arms. The thrill of waiting for the fruition of a promise.
The solitude.
The cold.
The teetering madness.
The betrayal.
The desire for revenge.
The routine pain.
The beasts.
The strongest of them all.
The thief.
…
… what just happened?
Something rubbed up against my shoulder and caught my attention. The worm I'd vomited up had been lured over to me by the prana leaking out of my circuits. Its tiny orifice of a mouth gnashed at the air as it wriggled over the floor, dragging a trail of blood and vomit behind it. Byakuya used his free hand to grasp the creature and flung it into the wall before saying something with a harsh grimace.
Einzbern smirked. "Those things do belong in the garbage," she said approvingly, before making eye contact with me, "How did this happen, exactly?"
'Worms… got hungry. Couldn't wake up because of the nightmare. Started eating me because I can't convert od into prana while I'm asleep.'
"Ah… well, you should be okay. Look how focused your dad is," the girl said, pointing at the man beside me.
I grunt as I look towards Byakuya's face, seeing the intense focus almost oozing out of his expression as he used his magecraft to stitch my stomach back together. It looks like it's a slow-acting spell.
I guess this will take a while…
Good. I need to talk to the ghost.
Although… How am I meant to even bring something like this up with her?
"… are the nightmares still getting worse?" Einzbern asked, still staring intently at Byakuya's efforts to heal me.
I glance in her direction with my eyebrows furrowed.
"I mean… I know they're getting worse; it's obvious," she added, "But… I dunno— talk to me while you're waiting for Byakuya to finish. It might distract you from the pain."
'… funny you should ask about that specifically,' I said.
"Hmm?" she hummed curiously, "Why's that? You just had one, right?"
'I saw… just now, I saw Berserker. Your Berserker.'
"Really? What was he doing?" she said, suddenly intrigued, "Nightmares about Berserker… was he smashing you into paste? That… does sound like something that'd be scary if it was happening to you."
'No, no. Nothing like that. He was fighting Gilgamesh.'
"Fighting…? Oh, so you dreamt about their fight in the Old Causality?" she said curiously.
'That was it exactly.'
"… I can see that being a nightmare," she said as a frown grew on her face.
Hearing Einzbern's tone as she reflects on the event herself, I can tell that she feels the same way about it as I had while I'd slept. It was, after all, what led up to her death in the old causality. And that would make the memory a traumatic one.
Ah… I've probably made her uncomfortable just bringing it up. Can't say I've thought up a way to tell her what I learned delicately, though. If I hide it, and if it comes to light afterwards it then she might take it worse.
I don't see the benefit of hiding it anyway, so I should tell her. She's my only ally right now, even if she's just a less fictitious version of an imaginary friend. Her knowledge will probably be too valuable dealing with Zouken for me to do anything that might sabotage our relationship.
"… still can't believe that Golden Servant won— probably cheated…" Einzbern whispered to herself.
'I had… because of that, I had an epiphany of sorts about them,' I said to catch her attention again, 'About the nightmares.'
"Oh? Anything helpful, Matou-san?"
Okay, I'll just say it then, I thought as I took a deep breath— gently, so I wouldn't aggravate my stomach wound.
'Einzbern-san, I think these nightmares are actually your memories.'
… I'm not too confident in my ability to read other peoples expressions. And, though I'm not sure, the default reaction to being told something like that would probably be confusion. Maybe disgust, disappointment, or anger— a mixture of those, perhaps.
That isn't any of those.
I don't know what that is.
She was still facing me; unmoved from the posture she'd held while she was talking to me. But her eyes were glazed over and unfocused, shifting ever so slightly occasionally while she muttered something barely audible under her breath.
"You're… wrong. Yeah. Lying… maybe? That… c-can't be right," she was lost in her worry now by the looks of things.
'Einzbern-san?' I tried to get her attention again.
"H-how can you be sure?" she said, raising her still shaky voice slightly.
'Well, I—'
"It better be conclusive proof! Something only I could have ever seen or known!"
'… okay—'
"I'm serious! If your joking about this I will… I will…" she visibly trembled as she pulled her hands up and stared at them for a few seconds as her face contorted in obvious frustration. She flexed her hands as she scrutinised them with her unsteady red eyes, "… what could I…?"
'… the Einzbern castle is in the mountains. Near a river in Germany,' I said.
"Not good enough!" she said, refocusing her anger on me, "You could've learned that some other way!"
'Sorry, I just… want to avoid bringing up what might be more sensitive topics.'
"Don't bother with that! J-just get it over with!" She folded her arms and pulled her gaze away from me.
'… you were attacked by wolves in the lands near the castle, and Berserker saved you.'
"… s-something else… say something else," she said.
'You came here in the Old Causality— to Fuyuki— so you could find Emiya Shirou. You were angry; about Kiritsugu not coming back for you.'
I wait a few moments for her to respond.
She doesn't. Instead, she remains hovering where she is, facing away from me.
'Does that sound right?' I prompt her.
"… how much?" she asks quietly, "How much have you seen?"
'Just about everything from your earliest memories to your death,' I answer honestly, 'Although, quite a bit of it is twisted into some rather unrealistic imagery. They were nightmares.'
She returned her gaze to me; cold and rigid.
"… and after?" she asked.
'After?'
"After my death. Did you see anything from the Paradox?"
'Um… no, nothing from the Paradox.'
She visibly relaxed slightly, but she seemed to still be a little upset.
'Einzbern-san, I—'
She lifted a hand with her index finger raised to stop me, breaking eye contact again as she closed them. I assume that she's simply thinking about how to go about dealing with this on her own end, and after a few moments she lowers her hand and sighs.
"I should have expected something like this," she said, pinching the bridge of her nose, "I'm literally made of those memories and attached to your soul; of course you'd see them in some way or another."
'… you okay?' I asked.
"I'm fine. But… putting aside the complete obliteration of my privacy, I just found out that I'm responsible for your nightmares; I'm literally a burden."
'Don't say that. You've helped me out plenty with magecraft study,' I pause for a moment, 'And I suppose I should be glad I'm not alone in all of this.'
She looked away with a weak huff. "It feels like you're anything but happy about me being here sometimes."
'What do you mean?'
"Well… every time I bring up Byakuya you get defensive. You're completely adamant about hating him even though he's only been supportive and kind to you," she said as she gestured to Byakuya's efforts to heal my injury.
'You and I are more alike in that regard. I should think that maybe you'd understand,' I said bitterly.
I regretted that immediately.
An irate pout found its way onto her face and we both remained silent as the faint light around Byakuya's hand slowly drifted into my exposed abdomen. About a minute later, Einzbern left the room silently, passing through the closed door, signalling the end of our conversation.
… that could've gone better.
Perhaps I should just be glad that at the very least she's calmed down after what we found out… but I can't help but think there was something odd about the way the reacted to all of that.
I lay where I was until the sun rose, and Byakuya maintained his healing magecraft the entire time until the only thing left to do was mop up the puddle of vomit on the floor. Once I confirmed that I was able to stand up and move around on my own, I approached the crest worm that had been thrown into the wall where it lay stunned, twitching occasionally.
Byakuya was about to collect it so he could dispose of it for me.
I asked him if he would help me move it into a glass tank instead.
August 4th, 1989, 7:34 AM, Worm Pit.
The worms in the pit babble with each other as Zouken stands still like an ominous gargoyle, watching Byakuya and Shinji through a familiar. The parent and child, after the incident last night, had captured the loose crest worm in a glass jar. Then, despite having not slept for half the night, they ventured into town for little under an hour before returning with an empty glass terrarium. Once the glass box had been placed into the boy's room, they shook the crest worm out of the jar and into its new place of confinement.
As he observed, Zouken couldn't help but notice that this worm was remarkably healthy, even in its current circumstances. Fascinating as it was, that wasn't what had the elder's interest at this moment. What he instead found himself spending a concerning amount of time debating internally was how incredibly unusual the creature's behaviour was.
The crest worms were meant to instinctively find their way back to the nest, and this particular worm had chosen to disregard that basic compulsion for some reason and hadn't simply escaped its imprisonment and returned to the pit on its own. The worms are his familiars, and while they tend to act rather chaotic when they feed, they are at the very least consistent in many of their behaviours. He'd designed them as such.
So why did the worm burrow into Shinji's stomach?
There are some organs in the human body that the crest worms aren't meant to eat into without instruction, and the stomach is one of them. As sturdy as they are, that environment is simply too acidic for them and they should know to avoid such a thing. In the event it does happen, by accident or necessity, the worms should not dive into the hydrochloric mix, let alone allow themselves to be regurgitated out of their host.
… and that ridiculous fascination the worms had with ginseng roots had been bred out after the event with Byakuya. He'd been exceedingly thorough while beating that particular flaw into oblivion so there was no way it would happen again— not after he was done with them.
But that didn't answer the question.
Something was going on, and the elder decided he needed to scrutinise the beast under closer inspection later. Maybe even approach Shinji and feign some manner of apprehensiveness for the boy's health to see if he had any insight into the matter.
… actually, that worry may not have to be completely false.
As Byakuya placed the terrarium's lid over the opening on top, Zouken adjusted the position of his familiar in the room to get a better look at the youngest Matou.
Shinji had been consistently displaying the standard symptoms of od depletion, making it clear that the worms had been eating more magical energy than the boy could provide. Zouken had obviously misunderstood the situation with the child's magical circuits or had been too confident in Shinji's ability to control the prana in his body. The event last night was perhaps a necessary occurrence if the toddler was to live for much longer.
Five crest worms had been an overestimation of Shinji's abilities, and Zouken's own eagerness to hurry the process had backfired. He doesn't make many mistakes, but the few he has made had been costly. The thought brought the elder to groan; the worms are impossible to remove from their host against their will once they've settled without killing or seriously injuring said host, and not even Zouken would be able to force the ones still within Shinji to leave harmlessly.
Removing one through physical force might take some of the child's magical circuits with it. The pain would be excruciating and would permanently weaken his natural od recovery if it didn't simply kill him. Poisoning might work; killing the worms and then administering the antidote before the boy succumbs to the toxin. The downside is that all of the worms in his system would die and he would likely be permanently crippled both physically and intellectually.
Spiritual surgery is out of the question; the boy is too young. And when he is old enough, the worms would be far too ingrained into his circuits and nerves for the process to be successful.
The most effective way would be to simply amputate a limb while one or two of the parasites are inside it, so Zouken may have to remove one of Shinji's arms to preserve his life if he can't handle the remaining four. The worms would exit the severed limb of their own accord so there's no threat to Shinji's magical circuits in that event.
Zouken's aggravation peaked and he called a few worms out of the pit simply to bludgeon them to death with his cane. Leaving crushed flesh all over the pit's floor, the elder allowed the rest of the swarm to devour their slain kin and made to exit the workshop.
For the possibility that the boy becomes useless or even dies, some alternative might need to be put into motion… no, this whole debacle has only made in clear that the Matou bloodline is running out of time. The nature of Shinji's circuits suggests some kind of mutation had occurred, and if they prove to be an unsalvageable detriment there needs to be something to fall back on.
The worm's chatter becomes louder as Zouken begins to ignore them to think…
The Himuro girl.
The Hinode woman.
The spare Tohsaka.
… at least there are options.
A/N
Happy New Year!
It took me a while longer to do this chapter than it did the others. After I dropped my momentum completely in November I decided to abandon efforts in December too.
I got to see my sister again, I had a birthday (my 26th, w00t), I had a Christmas, I had a new years day… pretty good stuff happened.
Enough about me though. Now, this chapter:
Would have been over 10,000 words long. Yep. That's a lot. Fortunately, I decided to cut out an entire segment that would have followed after Shinji spits out the wriggly. It's an important part of the story, and I want to get it right, but the main reason I cut it out of this chapter was that it felt like the pacing of the story was being accelerated a little too fast while it was here.
It will be in the next chapter, which shouldn't take TWO MONTHS because the segment I cut out is mostly already done. Less to write, so I'll get finished faster.
Quick question:
I'd like to know if you guys are okay with the way the story jumps forward by what may seem to be random amounts during chapters. You can give me whatever reason you have. I want to hear your opinions.
Another quick question:
I want to write another story here on FFN. It might not be a Fate story either. But I have SO MANY IDEAS that I just can't decide! I want to run them by you (yes, you!) here so you can tell me what you would be most interested in reading:
1. A Fate/Zero story (working title: Fate/Fourteen):
Something "epic" happens to the Grail at the end of the Third War, leaving it uncorrupted, but different. Starting with the Fourth War, every Master gets two Servants; A Greater Servant and a Lesser Servant. The characteristics of all Servant Classes [eg. Archer's Independent Action, Assassin's Presence Concealment] are modified to make the story more interesting. Servants can be summoned from more places than just the Throne of Heroes; that means some of them are my own characters.
2. A Fate/stay night story (working title: Frayed Bonds):
Archer gets freed from Alaya by mistake and gets to go through one more 5th HWG before Alaya steps in to take him back. (I haven't put much thought into this one yet).
3. A Yu-Gi-Oh! story (no title yet):
New summoning mechanic and a custom archetype ready for the main character to use said summoning mechanic. Set in a slightly dystopian world with an abusive upper class. Original Characters. Story has political elements. Card games aren't going to be friendly and people can die. Alternate world with its own geography and history.
4. A Pokemon story (working title: Pokemon Slayer):
It's Monster Hunter, but it's Pokemon. Set in Kanto/Johto after a disaster leaves human civilisation in chaos. Original characters. Pokemon characters might make cameos if they survived the apocalypse.
5. A Legend of Zelda story (working title: Child of Din):
Majora's Mask has always been surrounded in riddles and I wanted to write a story that basically runs away with the mystery around the mask and goes nuts. Features made-up lore.
That's all of my current ideas
A recommendation:
In other news, I read all of KeriPeardon's "The Legend of Zelda: The Circle of Destiny" after I decided to see what other Zelda stories were like before I tried my hand at one, and… HOLY. SHIT. I was hooked by Chapter 1. If you like Zelda go read it, it's beautiful. The sequel stories are pretty good too.
Review responses:
DSDAD:
I'm glad to say that I've managed to get my sleeping pattern under control since then. I shouldn't have any trouble writing. And I've taken your advice and loosened my schedule a little; trying to make the uploads sort of monthly instead of weekly now.
Also, nice job recognising Shinji's nightmares for what they were.
RayDjok:
Shinji is three during these events so that's actually a rather apt comparison.
Jyusei Kumo-san:
Your Kariya theory just got blown out of the water; Zouken just put Sakura back on the menu. Of course, nothings set in stone yet. Maybe the poor girl will never see the worms this time around, and maybe she will. I'll never tell.
Shinji was born with a Wind elemental alignment. Illya had nothing to do with it, and I don't even think anyone knows what her element is in the first place. His element had been changed to Water the same way it happened to Canon Sakura, no dual alignment… and no proper magecraft for Shinji yet. Nothing's free in my stories, and Shinji hasn't suffered enough. :)
TodayParade:
I'm glad you like the story! And this arc is planned to end by chapter fifteen or sixteen so we're getting there.
Guest:
Yes, "if only".
RandyKaguyaofthewasteland:
The Crest Worms don't suit Shinji at all so you've jumped the gun a little. Both Shinji and Zouken were wrong about them being an effective solution to Shinji's issues, because of how little Shinji understands about the worms, and how unfamiliar Zouken is with Shinji's odd circuits.
And I have plans for Sakura. Muahahahaha.
lmc9389:
I decided a long time ago that stuff from the Tsukihime side of the Nasuverse's first major timeline split will only ever matter if I decide to take this story as far as Fate/strange fake (that's set in 2008 for perspective, so that's waaaaaaaaaay in the distant future as far as this story is concerned). This is because the Fate/strange fake timeline is the only one Heroic Spirits and Dead Apostles can coexist in.
Diogenes Camus:
*puts on reading glasses*
Okay, I'm going to respond to this in list format with short answers, I hope that's acceptable:
(Your binge) - I'm glad you like the story. And yes, more Shinji fics are necessary to curb the overpopulation of Shirou fics.
(Kariya) - He WILL make an appearance.
(Illya's parents) - Oh boy, the fourth war is going to drive me insane trying to write Kiritsugu.
(Shinji's natural Wind element) - The Wind element was chosen at random with a real Tarot Card reading that I did, and I used it as a plot contrivance to drive home the significance of Shinji taking the worms. It's a "Changing him forever, no going back" kind of thing.
(Element stuff)- I've done plenty of research into all aspects of Nasuverse Metaphysics, but thank you nonetheless.
(Healing magecraft) - See "Element Stuff" above.
(Muscle building strategy) - An unorthodox way to us Healing magecraft, that's for sure. I don't think I'll use it in this story, but I might screen-shot that paragraph for future reference.
(Shinji vs Rin stuff) - I have put very little thought into the Fifth War as I'm mostly preparing myself to write the Fourth. But I'm pretty sure I don't want to make Shinji too powerful; he will likely always be the underdog in this story.
(Reinforcement magecraft) - See "Element stuff" above.
(You don't want to make the review too long) - Say that again, I dare you.
(Your ideas) - The Sherlock/Zolgen thing doesn't really interest me. But your mini-essay about Shinji might be useful, so I would like to read that.
(Heaven's Feel Illustrations) - Thanks for telling me about those!
That's all the reviews.
I'm done here!
Pastries!
- GEOD