A/N: I am going to try a 3rd POV version for some scenes. Last two chapters until I worked on Derek and Meredith. For now, I just want to show to Derek that if Meredith actually like, she could have any man she wants. And will bend ways just to be with her. Or even date her. Sorry it was a late upload, I was out of town for the first time in eight months being stock in our house because of COVID. Hope every one's okay!

Back in med school, I knew a guy who spent his weekends as a magician for children's birthday parties. It makes a weird kind of sense. If you plan on sawing a person in half, you're going to need to practice. When you take the stage and all eyes are on you, you don't want the audience to see you sweat, you only want them to see the magic. There's a reason we like to keep things to ourselves. When you have an audience, even the smallest moments end up feeling huge. It makes the big moments seem positively earth-shattering. The trick is, not letting the pressure keep you from taking big chances. You just get out there, naked and afraid, and pretend no one's looking.

Chapter 10

MEREDITH

He was just their watching me as I make a quick toast for breakfast. I handed him one and started eating.

"I heard that you are no longer selling your land?" I said.

"Uh, yeah… It was impulsive and trying to prove something to myself decision." He shook his head an tried to massage the bridge of his nose.

"Rose told me about it last night. She was asking for you. She still wants you Der." He did not replied to what I just said and looked at me. "You should stop this Derek." After I finished washing the dishes and turned around to face him as I dry my hands.

"I can't. I'll make it right, and I'll prove to you every day for the rest of my life how sorry I am."

"It hurts now, but it gets better." I answered back not looking him in the eye.

"No, it will not get better and I don't want to move on, I will never move on Mer. Don't lie to yourself and think that you can also move on from this."

"I know, I will not. But we keep hurting each other. We say mean things to one another when we are hurt. I'm afraid if I give in to this, I might not be able to back up."

"I'm flawed Mer, I am not perfect. I make mistakes, and one of those was being arrogant, a lot of times selfish and a jerk, I regret those times. And again, I am truly deeply sorry. I realized my fault. I should've talk to you more instead of making life decisions for us and make things worse."

"I am happy where I am now Derek, my friends, work. And I can't do this right now. I just can't. And I don't want you to wait for me. Before, yes. Heck, I would lie to myself if I haven't thought that I wished you waited. I wish you went through it with me when I am not whole and healed. But now, I understand and you are right, I can't trust you. How can I trust you when all you do is keep on giving me a reason not to? I am tired of this. I am tired of feeling empty and not wanted. I already had enough of it ever since childhood, I don't need to feel that now that I have a choice."

"But I want you. I need you." Derek step forward from where I am standing and I just watch him.

"But I don't want you, but I know that I need you but I don't want to." I said dead pan voice. "I don't believe in love before." I took a quick breath and continued. "I didn't grew up in one. Never tried to be in one, until you." I smiled a little at that thought. "I always thought I'd end up alone, because if I get exposed to it I might realized I need love and then I don't have it." I shrugged my shoulders. "and what if I come to a realization that I like it and lean on it and shaped my life around it and then if falls apart? How can I survived that kind of pain? Then I got exposed. So bad, that it went bad. We went bad Derek. I thought I will not survive that kind of pain, it's like dying, watching you with Addison? Rose? My heart was sinking and dying, but I survive, the only difference is if I give you another chance, and you find yourself in a complicated situation again and leave me? I might not survive Derek, death ends. This? It can go on forever."

DEREK

I just nodded to everything she just said and reach out for her hand.

"I know there is too much water under the thing now Mer. But just please give me a chance. Give us a chance. I know I have not been fair to you. What I did? Was cruel, I did not think of that you feelPlease."

She sighed and just shook her head.

"I can't give us a chance 'cause I already did it. And it just blew up right in front of my face. And you already have what you want right? The girl who wants what you want."

"But she's not you. I will lie to you if I haven't thought that "maybe I should try, maybe that's what just that I need to get over you" then, I can't, you are all I could think of. When I am with her, I keep on comparing her with you. She's fun and uncomplicated but she's a substitute to everything that I wish you were too. And I know I can't change you and force you to do the things my way. I am hurting as I say this as I know I am a big jerk. A complete asshole for even thinking of changing you for me. Not for yourself or for the better." I paused for a second. "I love you and I am sorry. I am sorry for breaking your trust over and over again, I failed you on that. I should've been there for you, I should've supported you, instead..." I looked up to stop the tears from flowing "I'll wait until you are ready. But please, don't shut me off. Give me a chance to prove to you how sorry I am for the rest of my life."

"I can't trust you and trust is a big fundamental of a relationship. And I don't think I can give it you."

"Give me a chance to earn it. Please Mer."

"Derek…. If you are asking us to be together. I don't think, I want to be there." I was hurt by what she said, pain to every words this night cut deep into my heart but I understand her so nodded.

"I understand. Then let's start with being friends. Let's start with that huh? Don't shut me off completely."

"I'll think about it. But right now, you need a shower 'cause you stink of alcohol. "She joked to ease the tension.

I nodded to her, and took a step back away from her. I took one last look and left her house.

I am in the shower thinking of what I should've done instead of trying to prove Meredith that I can have a better life without her to make her realize that she needs me in her life instead, I blew it off, and makes things worse.

I should've listened to the people around me, I always make worse choices when it involves to Meredith Grey. She was right on everything, and I know I have to work things through too. After taking a shower and getting ready for the hospital, I went straight to my office and took a quick phone call to make an appointment to Dr. Wyatt.

After making an appointment I went straight to the nurse station in the surgical floor when I saw Rose taking some notes. I have to makes things right, and if I need to, I have to start where I all messed it up. I walk towards her and nodded to her. She smiled to me and continued what she is doing.

"Hey, can I talk to you?" I said, she looked up again and nodded.

"Sure." She put her chart in the shelf and waited for me to continue. I look up and can see a few glances on our way.

"Can we talk somewhere else?" She nodded again and I lead her to emergency stairs, making sure that it was not an on call room not to make things worse with Mer than it already is.

"First of all, I want to start with saying sorry, I sorry I have to put you in the middle of this…."

"Derek, it's okay, I get it.. you were confused when you saw her with another man, all the memories came running at you. I mean, she has been acting like a victim here when clearly she's not, you two were not in a relationship when we got together and now you realized that it is all in the pass, I am mature enough to understand that you got confused and I understand…-"

I cut her off before she can continue whatever she is saying "No, Rose. What I am trying to say here is, I am sorry you got in the middle of this, I should've not lead you into something. That night, when I asked you out. I was angry and disappointed, and my emotions and decisions were clouded by that. And after that, I… I was trying to prove myself and to Mer, that I can be happy without her and hopping she realize in that way that we need each other, she will be hurt and come running at me. But I just made things worse and I don't even know if I can get her back, but right now, I want to make things right… I am sorry Rose. I love her, and if I need to work my whole life for her to forgive me for I did and to earn her trust back, I will…. I just want to make things clear with you, I am ending the relationship, stop asking Mer to get me back, because I will not. That's all I want to say. Again, I am sorry." I said and left her in silence.

I took a quick stop in the nurse station to get my chart and made the nurse page the resident Bailey assigned to me and instructed to meet me in the room of the patient. I went straight to the elevator of the surgical east floor when I saw Cristina inside. I sighed and entered the elevator. We were quiet for the first few seconds when she move forward and pressed the emergency button.

"I am being supported with Mer, and she is happy on where she is, and just because she clearly wants to move on, doesn't mean it is easy for her. She is still struggling but she is putting the brave face. So, if you really want her back, just be sure. Not because you saw her again with another man being happy like with Finn before, then walk away cause it got complicated or for whatever reason." Cristina finished and pressed again the emergency button.

I went to the patient's room and saw O'Malley. I instructed him with my first patient for today.

After the long hours in the hospital, I went straight at Joe's to meet Mark.

"Shep! How is the most hated man in the hospital right now? For the record, thank you for that. " Mark greeted me when I sat in the bar. I ask Joe for my drink and just ignored what Mark said.

"You look all McDreary here and all over the hospital." Cristina said who I didn't saw earlier who is also sitting on Mark's left side.

"McDreary huh? My new nickname?" I laughed at that as that is my story of my life right now.

"How's your talk last night?" Mark interjected with my thoughts.

"She doesn't want me back, she still love me but she is no longer wants to take a risk with me anymore… I can't blame her for that. Al I've given to her was disappointment."

"So? What are your plans?"

"I told her, don't shut me off, I'll wait, what I should've done before.."

"I so want to say serves you right but I think you know that already." Cristina said and Mark laughed at that.

For the rest of the night I just listened to them talk, on how the house change so much, and Meredith's changes. Tomorrow will be my first session with Dr. Wyatt. If I want to make things work with Mer, I have to work my things too. I have come to realized that I have issues and I also need to work on those.

Mark and Owen were in the middle of a case and Cristina just listening while drinking when a bag was dropped in the bar. Meredith sat beside Cristina, wearing a jeans and her Darthmouth shirt that look cute on her with a purple jacket on top.

"Ah, it is a Sunday night and bars are all full, what is happening?" I heard Meredith's voice, I looked at Cristina's further right and saw her ordering Joe's for a tequila.

"Uh.. hello? I though you and Nathan are going out tonight?" I was listening to them talk, trying to pretend that I do not exist so she won't stop talking about her day.

"We were supposed to, at Mike's, but it's a full house. And this is the only place in the middle of the night that is not yet full, and I am hungry." She barked back, when she's hungry, she's always cranky so before, I make sure to slip in at least food bar or coffee.

"Where is Riggs?" Cristina asked back as she pulled the menu for Meredith.

"He is parking, he picked me up at the house, 'cause I need a drink and he is supposed to drive me back home"

"Why do you need a drink? Sex is what you need, you have not been getting since you and McDreamy broke up."

"Yeah, and that is a new thing for me, I have been celibate for many months now, and that is a record in Meredith's chronicle." She ordered burger and fries for two and took a shot of straight tequila. I smiled from what I heard. That is news in Meredith's chronicle.

"You want to hit that?" Cristina said as she motioned her head at the back of Meredith. I saw Nathan Riggs, walking towards Meredith's. He sat beside her and ordered a beer.

Before she could answer Cristina, Mark butted in. I leaned against my chair as she about to turned her head in Mark's direction.

"I know a guy who you can hit with Grey, you do the horizontal tango. I'm sure he is happy to oblige."

"Shut it Mark."

"No seriously, he got a nice hair, like to lean on things and has a sparkly eyes."

"I have been throwing guy at her direction but she still says no. Maybe the guy Sloan is saying is who you need. You don't know him, a complete stranger, just someone to scratch you itch." Riggs said as he munched his fries.

"What kind of a friend are you?" Meredith barked again back. I wanted to butt in but I have to stop myself as I know I don't have a right.

"Let her decide with whatever she wants." I finally said.

Meredith stopped with what she was doing and turned her face in my direction, I looked back at her and raised a glass.

"Oh, that face just made my night." Cristina said looking at Mer.

"So, how is you clinical trial so far?" Nathan asks, trying to break our eye contact. Meredith look back at him and cleared her throat.

"We are in the tenth patient tomorrow, Dr. Nelson is kind of hesitant to continue the trial. We might stop, but I am hoping not. I know we are near, I can feel it. And Alex is I think moving out, I just renovated the house and he is moving out."

"Why is he moving out?"

"Ava, is pregnant, and they need a place for them. And Mark, is still living in my house. Seriously, you need to pay the rent Mark."

"Okay, I'll pay,but you got to admit, you need to add a bathroom."

"Hey, you decided to live there, you compromise."

"Back to sex, you have been so cranky, you need sex."

For the past months, this is the longest time I have been in Meredith's circle. After I screwed up everything. We don't talk much for the rest of the night but she casually answers some of my question and sometimes state her opinion. We talk with the group and laughed. I watched her hands as she talks to Cristina, her habit every time she tries to prove a point or explain things. One thing I hate about for this night is how close she seems to be with Riggs. She just casually touched his hands or wrap her arms around his shoulders like it is a thing they have been doing or when they laughed at something.

I have never seen her do that with George or Alex, the closest guy friends she has. I'd like to think that there was a connection of some kind of friendship they have but she is not also like that with Cristina.

I tried to observe them for a little while when Mark started talking again.

"Stare more and some concern citizen might call a police on you."

"I thought they were together, but it seems like, they are just friends. You didn't say that to me."

"I also thought they were together, but after a while, I realized they are just there for one another."

Cristina and Owen went home after a couple of minutes, Lexie arrived to pick up Mark.

MEREDITH

Intoxicated by tequila I drink tonight, I did not notice Nathan leaving as he got page until I want to go home. I look around and found him nowhere so I settled asking Derek on where he is.

Derek moved from his sit to my right side. I looked infront of me just watching Joe to do his thing and trying to ignore his presence.

"You were looking for Riggs right? He uhh, left already, he asks me to take you home if you ever decides to go home. I have nothing for today, so….. I actually volunteered. He was thinking of going back but I told him I got you. I can take you home. And he agreed. I hope you don't mind." I looked at him amused by all the ramble he just said.

"You are rambling. That is my thing, not yours."

"Yeah, well, I am nervous."

"The Great Derek Shepherd? Nervous?"

"Yeah well.."

I took a quick glance around and just nodded at his direction. Agreeing to what he just said earlier. I pick up my bag and put a money for my drinks. I stand up and started walking when I noticed that Derek is still standing and watching me.

"I thought you'll gonna take me home?"

He smiled sheepishly at me and brushed his hair and nodded.

We were quiet for a while, I am thinking of what I should tell him about what we talked about earlier.

"I drink because of you." I suddenly said.

"What?"

"We talk, earlier? This morning? I said I'll think about it."

"You said you'll think about it." He repeated, waiting for me to continue.

"And I did think about it."

"And?"

"Okay, we can be friends, and hang out and talk, like friends. But that's it."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay, for now. But in the future, maybe we can talk again. But for now, Okay."

He turned in the street where my street is, after a few seconds, we stop in front of my house.

"I'm okay here. You can go now." I said after hopping of the car.

"Yeah, I'll just wait for you to enter the house."

"Oh, okay." I said and closed his car doors. I quickly went infront of y porch and fished for my keys. When I found it, I opened the door and turned around to wave goodbye to Derek who is looking at me through his window car. He waved back and left.

I watched his car leave from and my window and change into pajamas.

Meredith woke up from the rain, she stared at the window, watching the rain drops falling from the window. She needs to date. All she could think of before she could fall asleep was Derek, him and her on a bed. She tried to erase those memories as she knows that was the last time she slept with a man. And she's convincing herself that if she dates other man, those memories could eventually fade off.

She went to the bathroom to get herself a towel and take a quick shower. She dressed into her oversized purple blouse and black pants. She picked up her bag and took her keys and left the house.

Meredith went to the nurse station where her interns waiting for her. She asks for the nurse for the charts that they will be taking for the rounds and told them to study those if they want the chances to get into the surgeries. She that morning, the will treat their tenth clinical patient, hoping for a better outcome than the rest. Hoping that this would be their last patient.

After doing the surgery for the patient, she went to the cafeteria to get some quick lunch as she is now on call for the PiT. Meredith looked around and found none of her friends which she hasn't bump to since morning. She look for a vacant chair instead and found one in the corner. She paid for her bills and went to the back and sat there. She was reading some article when a food was placed in front of her. Assuming it is Cristina, Meredith didn't bother to look up and shared the thoughts that had been running around in her mind.

"I think I need to date, I've been imagining this thing, last night and I think that only way to get rid of it is to date. That might help. What do you think?" Meredith ask as she munched her food.

"First off, what is the thing?" Meredith quickly look up and saw Derek looking at her.

"What are you doing here?" Meredith asked him.

"You told me last night, we could be friends right? Friends eats together right?" Asking her looking confused with her question.

"Oh yeah, right." She just said. Meredith look around and can see that people are looking at them, not being shy by obvious stares. She is sure that b the end of the night, gossip pool will be all about her and Derek again.

"So, how was your patient?" Derek asks.

"So far, no I'm being optimistic, we got no complication in the table, which is the first, and it has been hours and I am still not getting page 911, so far so good."

"Mer, I told you, don't get your hopes up here."

"I know… anyway, he has a boyfriend, and his father does not approve of what they have so, the father does not want him anywhere near the patient so, the boyfriend is just in the lobby, waiting for him to wake up. It sucks! How could the father not allow his son to be happy? They are in love, they should be together. I want to be optimistic with this case 'because they deserve to be together. They love each other." Meredith ramble, Derek just watching her talk, looking her in the eye as he was listening.

"Uhuh, sucks." Derek says after Meredith finished her rambled. He took a sip from his drink and looked at her again. "It sucks, maybe you can do something about it? Try to make the father busy for hi get out of the room?" Derek suggests.

"That's a great idea, why didn't I think of that?"

"So, what is the thing earlier?"

"Oh that? Nothing, I thought you were Cristina. Don't mind that."

"But you are thinking of dating to forget the thing?"

"Yeah, I've been single for a while, but that is not the only reason."

"What else?"

"I'd rather talk about something else."

"Okay."

After lunch, Derek and Meredith went on their separate ways, she was in the tunnel, reviewing some surgical notes from their patient when she got page.

She met Bailey, Callie, Mark, and Owen in the emergency bay, wearing Seattle Grace jacket.

"Dr. Bailey, you page?" Meredith asks as an intern gave her one jacket.

"We need a resident for this case, we have a patient in a military hospital that need to be operated, read the chart." Bailey said as she handed me a chart.

"But, I need to monitor m patient in the clinical trial." Meredith said back.

"An intern could do that Grey, ask on of ours."

Meredith sighed and paged one of her interns to page her or Dr. Nelson when some changes happens to her patient. Meredith got in the van that will bring to the military hospital.

The patient has a osteosarcoma, traditionally, it'd be treated with chemo and radiation, which would give the patient a few years most. But instead, they will treat it surgically, a procedure which involves amputation he left leg and reallocating it in the center of his body.

"Dr. Bailey, this is insane, we have to at least have a practice for this."

"Well, we were supposed to but, the patient slip and broke his pelvis, so we need to this now."

We were discussing our course of treatment for possible complications along the way when we arrived at Bauer Army Medical Center.

When they arrived in the hostpial, they were greeted by the Chief and Dr. Emily, who is there to help them and make sure everything goes good, when they god interrupted by a man in a green jacket with a rugged face and unkept hair.

"What the hell Chief? This is my patient. And I am telling you I do not approve of this! Hi, William Thorpe, primary Dr. of this patient that you will treat as a guinea pig." William Thorpe, reach out his hand to shake ours. "

"Woah, how about we take a step back-"Mark tried to butt in but was cut off by Dr. Thorpe again.

"How about you take ten step back through that door because no one's touching m patient."

"Sir, I understand that you are afraid for your patient. The surgery is new and risky yes, but if it works…." Before Bailey could finish, Callie started to speak.

"Oh, it will work, Dr. Thorpe your Chief asks us for help cause he knows we are the best. That is exactly what we are, the best. Now, as soon as you recognize that the sooner we can get to the business of saving a lie." Callie finished.

William Thorpe was left dumbfounded by what Callie just said and we left to prep for the patient.

Meredith went with Sloan to prep. Emily accompany us and asks us if we need anything, I saw how Emil tries to flirt with Sloan, who is surprisingly unaware of what is happening.

She watched them exchange words until Emily left the room when Sloan as for sterile materials.

"Could she flirt any harder?" Meredith said to Sloan.

"What? Nobody's flirting with anybody." Sloan said.

"Come on, I googled you? She was totally flirting, so were you"

"What do you mean? I am not flirting! I am with our sister Grey, and don't have plans of screwing that up." Mark said.

"You better be damn sure, but I can't blame you. All this…" Meredith gesture her hand to Mark. "Is already a flirt."

We were in the middle of the operation when Callie left the OR. I was assiting Dr. Thorpe when he started asking on what is Callie taking so long. BP drop so Dr. Bailey told to put a dopamine drip.

"You people don't know aht you are doing, you didn't have a plan, ou weren't ready tomove but ou move anyway. And I think yu already knew that when you came through that door, and I think he's gonna suffer as a result of it."

Meredith got tired of William ranting so she butted in.

"Listen, here's the thing.." But before she could finish, Callie went int and stated the procedure plan. William went silent after listening to Callie. Callie instructed Mark to prep the femur.

"We have a plan." Meredith said after glancing up to Thorpe who is still silent but looking at Meredith.

The surgery went into 12 hours, as every nerve have to be correct.

"Wow, we almost killed that guy."Meredith said.

"I know." Callie chuckled.

We we don packing, and already a the door when Thorpe approached Meredith.

"See, I told you, you leave'em after that amazing surgery." Thorpe says as he walks Meredith out.

"Well,we said we will follow upand we will." opened her bag to fish the contact card she always carry.

"Well I'd like that,to follow up with you." Thorpe said as he is looking down at Meredith.

After Meredith fished out her card, she look up a bit and looked back to the card and explaining the details.

"Okay, so here is my service as the resident in charge, and the hospital number, if you want to follow up with Torres." Meredith handed off the card.

"Great, I'll do that." Thorpe said and Meredith left when Mark sneak in from behind and shook hands with Thorpe as he was saying goodbye.

"Okay, let's go. Thank you." Thorpe left when Mark started walking with Meredith.

"Yup, that guy just asks for your number."

"Yeah, to follow up, about the patient."

"No, I know when someone's flirting, and that is definitely flirting."

Meredith stop walking after ingesting what Mark just said. She thought what she has been thinking last night and decided to give it a try.

"Meredith let's go. What? Did you forget something?" Callie said, watching Meredith's face.

Meredith placed her bag to the van and turned around and jogs straight to Thorpe. Thorpe who is about to enter the hospital was stopped by Meredith. Meredith took a deep breath and started talking. Aware that the people from the van is watching her. She lifted some hair strands that was falling from her and started talking.

"Hey, so you should take my cell number in case there's an emergency." Meredith was nervous as she was saying those words.

"Yeah?" Thorpe said.

"Something happen, anything. Yeah."

"Anything? Maybe get my number too, so you would know it's me if something happen. Anything to the patient."

"Yeah." They exchange numbers and Meredith says goodbye and entered the van.

"