Things were so wrong.

The first Phaedra read through was a disaster of epic proportions. Even after two weeks, Kai wouldn't speak to me at all before we started, and it seemed everyone in the cast was on his side, based on the glares I was getting. And though read-throughs tended to be a bit stale since everyone was sitting around a table, this one was worse than week-old pizza.

Every once and while, Jimin would shake his head, and I could practically see him thinking, what happened to the people I cast last week?

Each scene kept getting worse like a screw going in at the wrong angle, but we just kept going, trying to make something work that would clearly not.

When it was over, I felt deflated. I had been so excited about this play. I'd been waiting for something like this since freshman year, and now it was here and it was unbearable.

Jimin faked some optimism, saying things would be smoother on stage. I don't think anyone believed him.

And if they did, that misplaced hope dwindled when we had our first rehearsal onstage, which if possible, was even worse. The unease between Kai and I seemed to permeate the entire cast until everyone was stiff and on edge.

Classes weren't much better.

Kai stayed far away from me, and Irene was still angry, so I was disproving that quote about no man being an island. I was totally alone.

Except for Lisa.

I was terrified by the depth of my feelings for her. Things were too good. Nothing in life was this amazing, at least not in my life. She stopped me after Senior Prep Wednesday morning, "Jennie, wait one second."

I took my time packing up my stuff, waiting for everyone else to leave the computer lab. When we were alone I asked, "What's up?"

She smiled, "Nothing."

Then she pressed me into the computer table behind me and kissed me.

I gasped in shock, and her tongue stormed my mouth. I did nothing, but blink, and then she had me lifted up onto the table, her hips fitted between my open thighs, and her mouth burned against my own.

There was no slowness to this kiss. It was a frenzied, stolen moment, and I was spinning with want. I clung to her, certain I was about to fall to pieces in her arms, and then she pulled back.

I had to concentrate on breathing for several long seconds before it even occurred to me to be mad. I swatted her bicep, "Are you crazy? What were you thinking? What if someone walked in?" I pushed her several feet away, and hopped off the table, my legs unsteady against the floor.

"I was thinking that you looked entirely too sexy for this early in the morning."

I steeled my glare, "I'm serious, Lisa."

"So am I," She said. She took me by the elbow and pulled me into the far corner of the room, where we couldn't be seen from the door, and we'd have warning if anyone entered. "When it comes to you, Jennie, I'm very serious."

Was she implying what I thought she was implying? The look in her eyes was dangerous. I couldn't think straight when she was so close to me. She tried to pull me into another kiss, but even out of sight from the door, I was too scared, too afraid. It felt like that first night together on my bed all over again. Was this me? Was I ready for something like this?

I turned my head, and her lips found my neck instead.

Everything was just so confusing.

How could I want something so badly and not want it at the same time?

A part of me wanted to fold my arms around her, and pray for her lips never to leave my skin. And a part of me wanted to run screaming in the other direction.

The second part came out on top.

I pulled out of her embrace, and held up a hand to keep her from following me. "I can't. I have to go. I want to try and find Kai before rehearsal tonight, see if we can't work things out."

Then I fled the lab, my skin still burning from her

touch.

Kai was already gone by the time I made it to the greenroom, and I didn't manage to get him alone for the rest of the day. I thought about asking to talk to him before rehearsal, but everyone was around, staring, and I truthfully just didn't have the energy.

But that meant that our third rehearsal started just as poorly as all the rest.

Jimin, who had no idea of the offstage drama, was at a loss. I think he could tell that it all stemmed from Kai and I, which is why he sent us away. He said he just wanted to spend some time with the chorus, but still wanted us to get some work done. So, he sent us into a smaller workshop space to work alone… with Lisa.

It had to be a sign of the apocalypse. Things this terrible only happened when the world was about to end.

I envied Lisa's composure. She didn't give anything away.

I, on the other hand, was a train wreck in human form.

We ran our first scene together twice. Kai was lifeless and I was pitiful.

No matter how many times Lisa muttered between lines "Wake up." or "Intensity!" or "Raise the stakes!" We were still awful.

Lisa, who knew what we were both capable of, grew more and more frustrated. She didn't even bother faking optimism.

"Both of you take five."

I went the bathroom, and splashed my face with water. This had to stop. If I could act opposite Dom, I could certainly act opposite Kai, no matter how upset he was. He was my best friend, but I had to learn to put my emotions aside and think of him like anyone else if I wanted to be an actor.

Feeling a little better, I made my way back to the workshop room.

Kai and Lisa were already inside talking.

"I know there is personal stuff going on between the two of you, but you've got to get over it," Lisa said.

"I'm trying. It's not that simple."

Lisa's back was to me, but I could see Kai's face, which was pale and crumpled, like a discarded piece of paper. I choked up, wishing this was all over or that it had never happened.

"You're not trying hard enough. So, she didn't return your feelings. That's life." My jaw dropped. How could she be so callous? Lisa, who had been so sweet and understanding when I'd come to her about this same fight? "It happens. You've got to grow up. Are you an actor or not? You can't let your feelings for her dictate your life. "

My mouth went dry, and a hard lump formed in my throat.

I pushed the door open the rest of the way, and said, "That's enough." The heat in my voice surprised me, but it shouldn't have. I hated seeing Kai hurt, and finally it wasn't just me causing it. Lisa's words had sunk under my skin, festering, and my hands were shaking with anger.

Kai looked horrified at seeing me.

Lisa didn't look guilty at all, which only made my anger burn hotter. I walked until I stood between the two guys, blocking Kai from sight.

"This is none of your business," I told Lisa.

She turned toward me, and her whole face seemed to pull down with her frown. "It is my business when you both bring your outside issues into rehearsal."

I knew, logically, I knew that she was right. And I knew that she was my teacher, and this was her job, but the judgment in her tone cut me all the same.

And I wanted to cut her back.

"You're probably right," I said. "Maybe relationships have no place here at all. It's a bad idea to mix them, don't you think?"

She was so calm, which made me want to shake her. I wanted to sink my fingers into her shoulder and shove and pull and push.

"Jennie, you're being unprofessional."

"I'm being unprofessional? Oh, that's rich, coming from you!"

"You and I can talk about this later." Her hand touched my elbow, and I hated that even angry, her touch made my knees weak. I pulled away.

"I don't want to talk about this later. I just want you to direct. I want you to stay out of my business with Kai. Do you hear me? Do you understand? Stay out of it. That's all I want from you."

Finally, something in her calm expression cracked. Her jaw clenched, and for a second she screwed her eyes shut. It didn't feel as good as I thought it would to see her affected. And already I wanted to take it back.

"Fine." She threw her hands up and repeated, "Fine. As a director, both of you need to get your shit together before next rehearsal, unless you'd like us to start looking at your understudies. You're dismissed."

The door slammed on her way out, and I heard the echo again and again in my mind. I was so stupid. This was SO stupid.

I'd almost completely forgotten Kai was there until he said, "Holy shit, Jen. She's the one?"

I could have denied it. I could have told him the whole story. I could have run. But I felt too hollowed out to move. I slumped onto my knees, wrapping my arms around my middle like that would somehow hold me together, like if I held hard enough, the pain wouldn't creep in.

But it did.

And the empty spaces in me were suddenly full of the words I regretted and the shame I felt and the absence of her. There was nothing more to do, but cry.

It streamed from me slow and steady, rising like the tide, washing away everything I'd loved about our time together.

A hand touched my shoulder, and I spun around, hoping.

It was Kai.

Slow and unsure, he knelt beside me and took me in his arms. I hesitated for a moment, knowing how he felt, knowing how hard this must be for him, knowing that as usual he was too good to me.

Then I couldn't resist any more. I was already selfish, what was the harm?

I burrowed into his arms, and let go. It was the ugly cry of all ugly cries, but I didn't care. Because my capacity to ruin good things knew no bounds.

"It's okay," Kai told me. "It wasn't that bad."

"Wasn't that bad?" I rubbed at my eyes, and my hands came back smeared black. "Maybe in comparison to the holocaust. But as break ups go, I think it was pretty bad."

He stiffened. "You guys were together? Like really together?"

"For a couple weeks, technically, before I ruined it." God, no wonder I was a virgin. I must have broken a whole world of mirrors in a past life.

Against all odds, she had actually liked me. Despite the fact that I ran out on her during sex with a terrible excuse. Despite the fact that I still wouldn't sleep with her. Despite how horrendously fucking awkward I was. She liked me. I sobbed again, because it wasn't fair.

"You like her a lot, don't you?"

Struggling for breath, I nodded. "I do. I know it's crazy. I know it's stupid. But, but… we met before she was our professor, and I can't just turn it off. I tried. We tried. I guess I'll have to turn it off now."

Kai rocked me back and forth, and even though it was nice, it made me feel young and immature. Unprofessional, just like Lisa

had said.

"She'll forgive you," Kai said. "I would."

I wanted to ask if that meant Kai forgave me now, but I was too afraid. So I stayed in his arms, crying and quiet, just in case this was only a temporary reprieve, in case this was all I would get.

By the time we left the studio, rehearsal was over, and everyone else had left. He walked me out to my car, and I started to hope… to hope that maybe we'd be okay. He didn't kiss me on the cheek like he would have before. He rested a hand on my shoulder. And though it was different, it was enough.

"It will be okay," He said. And I hoped he was talking about everything… about us, about Lisa, about life.

I needed everything to be okay.