A week later, Dr Clarkson had deemed Anna in a good enough state to make the return journey to the cottage. Bates had been given a fortnight off by Lord Grantham to stay with her and supervise her convalescence. Thomas had been asked to step in as a deputy valet during this time. As for Anna's work, Baxter insisted to take almost full charge, as a way of making up for the consequences of her advice. Returning to the cottage had been hard at first for Anna, as it made her harshly realize everything she had lost during those three months. Happiness, intimacy with her husband, easiness with her own body, the simple ability to sleep unconcerned, all these things were gone. Of course, there was no secret anymore between John and herself, but there was still a very long way to go to recover the happy conjugal life they had had before. Although she could bear, and even enjoy him touching her innocently on her hands, arms, cheeks, even if she welcomed light kisses on her face or hands, and liked to snuggle close to him, she couldn't think of him seeing her unclothed, or touching her in more intimate places, or even less having a full physical relationship. The trauma was still very acute within her. John did his best to be very careful, not to startle her, not to enter the bedroom or the bathroom whenever she was changing, and to keep his touches unambiguous, and she was grateful for him. Being just the two of them, in their own bubble, without being subjected to the others' gaze, even if it was a friendly gaze, was what they needed right now.
x x x x
"Mrs Bates, your husband's away, so I'm told! Maybe you and I could have some more fun together… Oh, you're having my child! So that means I'm your husband now, I'm taking you with me!
- No, no, leave me alone, I'm married already!
- I don't care, your husband's not there, you're coming with me!
- No! No! I don't want to!
- Do you think I care what you want…"
Anna was twisting and turning in the bed, moaning and mumbling "No, no". John was startled awake by a kick in his calf. He turned around and saw his wife in the middle of an obvious nightmare.
- Anna! Anna! he whispered, trying to wake her up.
As she didn't respond, and kept moaning, he tried to shake her up gently, saying a little louder:
- Anna! It's alright, you're having a bad dream.
But his touch on her arm made her panic, and she started kicking him and pushing him fiercely away. In her desperate attempt to jerk away from him, she got too close to the other edge of the bed, and fell down off the bed. She hit the floor with a yell, startling awake at last.
- Oh Lord Anna! Are you alright?
John hurried around the bed to crouch near her on the other side.
She was panting hard and seemed completely lost, still in transition between nightmare and reality. John wanted to soothe her but feared that he would manage the opposite despite his good intentions. He tried talking to her before touching her.
- Anna, darling, it's me, John. You're at home, you're safe. It was a nightmare.
Her gaze slowly focused as she seemed at last to come back to the here and now, but no words came to her, and she only broke into harsh sobs. His heart broke at seeing her in that state. For as long as he would live, he would never forgive himself for not having protected her from the assault of that disgusting man. She was now scarred, probably for ever, all because of his own failure. He gently put his hand on her, and continued talking in her ear:
- Anna, my love, it's alright, you are safe. You're at home with me, nothing bad can happen to you now.
- John… she cried as she suddenly snuggled into his embrace.
He welcomed her and closed his arms around her.
- I'm sorry… she continued.
- Sorry for what my darling?
- I think I kicked you and pushed you.
- Oh, that. That's nothing. You were not aware of what you were doing.
- No. I thought you were… him.
- It's alright. He's dead, remember? It's just the two of us now. You're safe.
She sighed deeply, circling his waist with her arms.
- Thank you. For your patience. For being there for me.
- That's only what a husband should do.
- Oh, not all husbands would, believe me.
- Then they wouldn't deserve a wife like you. You're the most important thing in my life Anna. Without you, I am nothing.
She managed a little smile.
- I love you John.
- I love you too. Well, now we're both awake, how about we go down and I'll make some tea? I don't think we'll be able to go back to sleep at once…
- I agree… Yes, let's.
While he was boiling some water for tea, John felt a surge of anger at the man, and was once again glad that he had never found himself face to face with him after knowing what he'd done. He really didn't know how he would have been able to control his murderous instincts. Even now, knowing he was dead, he still felt that death was too sweet a punishment for the damage he'd done on his sweet Anna. He didn't believe in heaven or hell, yet this time he would have liked to know there was a hell for him. When the water was hot, he poured it in the teapot, took the biscuits tin off the shelf and took the tray to the living-room. He smiled to Anna, who had curled up in a ball on the sofa under a blanket. He handed her a cup of tea, and asked:
- Are you feeling a little better?
She nodded slightly as she blew on her hot tea.
- Would you like a biscuit?
Her appetite had improved lately, but it was still not was it had been before everything. So John tried to make her eat whenever he could.
- Yes, thank you, she said with a small smile.
He sat down on the sofa beside her, nursing his own cup of tea.
- You're having an awful lot of those horrible nightmares… Maybe we could go see Dr Clarkson, ask him for something to soothe you to sleep?
She frowned.
- I don't really like the idea of relying on medication to sleep… That's a dangerous habit to have.
- Maybe. But getting no proper sleep isn't good either. How are you supposed to heal if you never get peaceful sleep?
- It'll get better in time I guess. Or I'll learn to manage with less sleep…
- Which could be good practice for…
He stopped dead in the middle of his sentence, realizing what he had been meaning to say. Now was about the worse time to bring up that topic, and he cursed himself for having talked ahead of himself.
- For what? she said coyly.
Although she knew what he had meant, and it pained her to know that it would probably be a very long time until they could hope for it again.
- No, nothing. Forget what I said, answered John.
- I know what you meant John, she said after a moment's silence. And… I'm sorry.
- You have nothing to be sorry about my darling, he replied strongly. The only thing that matters right now is that you heal, body and soul. All the rest we can figure out later. But I still wished you asked Dr Clarkson about your sleep.
- I have to go see him next week to check up anyway. See if he'll allow me to go back to work…
- To work? So soon? Are you sure this is wise?
- Not on a full scale, but… You'll have to go back in a week, do you think I'll fancy being on my own all day here? I'll go mad, that's what. We'll fashion some arrangement with Lady Mary.
x x x x
And as a happy coincidence, on the following afternoon, just as Anna woke up from taking a nap, she heard a knock on the cottage door. As she went down the stairs, John went to open the door, and she heard him say:
- Oh, Lady Mary! Please, enter, Anna will be so pleased to see you.
- Thank you Bates, she said as she entered.
Bates took her coat and she entered the small living-room. Bates thought to himself that it was the first time Lady Mary came to the cottage. She beamed at Anna:
- Anna! You look so much better, I'm glad!
- Thank you m'lady, it's so kind of you to come visit, I bet you have plenty of other important things to do!
- Oh, not so much… said lady Mary, smiling.
- Would you like some tea m'lady? asked Bates.
- Oh no, thank you, don't bother for me, I won't stay long. I have to meet Mr Branson shortly, to go and visit Yew Tree Farm.
Bates nodded, as he presented a chair to Lady Mary.
Mary and Anna sat together and started chatting.
- So, Anna, what I really want to know, is when you think you'll be able to come back? I miss our chats… she said in a low voice, making a mischievous smile.
- Oh, I don't know m'lady. I'm supposed to see Dr Clarkson in a few days to discuss that precisely. Mr Bates obviously isn't too keen on me going back so soon, but… I miss working… And our chats too, she teased.
- Maybe we could find a way for you not to overdo it. You could work like part-time for a while. I don't know, maybe you could let Baxter manage breakfast so you don't have to lift the trays, and you could rest in the mornings. Then you could come to the Abbey around luncheon, do some lighters tasks, dress me for dinner, and then go back home. What do you think?
- I think that might work… I'll talk with Dr Clarkson. I'll be glad really, it's not my kind to stay all day at home and do nothing. And I'm afraid it will not do me so much good to stew alone with my thoughts for too long…
Lady Mary offered a bittersweet smile.
- I can guess… Well, let me know, she said, getting up. I'll leave you two now.
- Good afternoon m'lady.
- Good afternoon to you two, said Lady Mary, walking towards the door.
Bates was already there waiting with her coat ready.
- Good afternoon m'lady.
She nodded to both of them and left.
x x x x
- Hello Mrs Bates, Mr Bates, called Dr Clarkson with a kind smile. Come in!
He gestured for Anna and Bates to enter his office.
- I am glad to see that you are up and about!
- Yes, thank you doctor, I feel much better.
- That was a close call, he said, remembering those few days when she had been suspended between life and death. So, have you had any more fever since last time we met?
- No Doctor.
- Are you eating well?
- As much as I can, she said, shooting a side look to her husband.
- Are there any more pains?
- Well I do have some belly aches sometimes, but it's getting better with time.
- It's Anna's sleep we are a bit worried with, Doctor, said Bates. She keeps having a lot of nightmares, and gets so little sleep…
Dr Clarkson frowned:
- Well, given what Mrs Bates has been through, I can hardly say I'm surprised… I'm confident that all this will fade away with time, and proper emotional support, he said smiling to Bates. Right now if they are really bad, I can make a prescription for a mild sedative, would you want it Mrs Bates?
- I'm not really keen on it, but maybe just sometimes, when I'm really tired…
- Alright. Now, if you'll follow me for an examination, he added, gesturing to the exam room right next to his office.
When they were back to his desk, a few minutes later, Dr Clarkson crossed his hands, and looked at them both with an anxious gaze.
- Mr and Mrs Bates, there is a point that we have not yet discussed, and I think the time has come for it. Mrs Bates has suffered a very serious infection, that has extended to the uterus and the tubes. To be honest, I thought that you were not going to make it alive, and I'm very glad that I was wrong. But now, I'm afraid there will be lasting consequences to this infection. The uterus and the tubes, when healing, will fill with scar tissue.
A heavy weight fell upon Anna, as she was slowly realizing what Dr Clarkson meant.
- What does that mean Doctor? asked Bates in an uncertain voice.
- That means I'm barren… whispered Anna, hardly holding her tears back.
Oh no, another trouble for them...
So, I'm sorry people, but I'll leave you to it for about a week, because I'm going on holiday tomorrow and I won't have computer access to update. But I'll keep on writing, so that I'll have plenty to publish when I get back ;)