The truth at last
My parents were home when I got back, but I didn't wanna waste time by telling them what I was doing. Instead, I quickly wrote together a sticky note, taped it to the fridge and grabbed my dad's car keys. They're not gonna be happy that I'm just taking the car without asking, but this is too important. I would've taken it even if they said no. I don't want anyone coming with me. I want to be alone with him.
I started the car and pulled out of the driveways immediately. I caught my mom's face in the window before driving off, and felt the regret already setting in. I can worry about that later. Right now, there are bigger things at stake. Nobody knew where I was going, but that might be alright. I don't want anyone following me. The path to my destination I memorized, and drived mindlessly. I was tunnel visioning my way through the road, it didn't feel like time was even moving. Everything was frozen, and would continue to stay stuck until I fix it. Set things straight. Bring him home.
It was halfway into the drive when I realised I forgot my phone at the station. I can always get it later. Though I wish I wasn't stuck listening to '107.9 Lite fm' the entire drive. The music is way too upbeat for a moment like now. I feel like my heart is going to pound right through my chest. The anticipation is killing me, and I press harder onto the gas pedal. There's no cops around and besides, this is an emergency.
You know that feeling when you fall asleep in the car as a kid and you feel that one turn. That one specific turn, and you just know you're home. That's what turning the corner to the place felt like. My throat closed up when I sat him, sitting there, staring out.
I knew he'd be at the cliff.
I stepped out of the car and slowly walked towards him, not wanting to scare him off. It was enough of a wild goose hunt finding him the first time, I wouldn't look forward to doing that again. The rocks crunched under my shoes as I stepped closer. The closer I went, the calmer he looked. As if he was happy that I was there.
"I knew you'd find me here." He said quietly. I almost yelled then, but held my tongue. I can't get mad. I can't scare him off.
"What are you doing here Cartman?" I asked simply. He shifted his gaze down at the trees below, and I saw his adam's apple bob in his throat before he spoke.
"Lovely view, huh Kahl?"
He wasn't planning to...
Was he?
I moved closer.
"Is this spot taken?". I asked, pointing next to him reluctantly. He scooted and patted the spot, allowing me to sit. I did and we continued to look out at the view in silence. I hated every second of it. I wanted to hear his voice fill the air again. After all this time being away from him, I just want to hear him speak
"W-why did you...leave?" I asked. He turned to me for a second, then looked back out. It's usually much easier to talk to people when you don't look at each other. I heard that in a movie once. A month ago, I would've called bullshit on that, but it couldn't be more true now.
"I saw you kiss Stan."
He...
He saw that?
How?
"He kissed me."
"It doesn't matter. It still happened. So, what are you two then?"
"Nothing, Cartman. Stan got caught up in the moment. That was all."
"Did...did you like it?"
Silence.
"No, I didn't. The second I realised, I pulled away."
Another silence.
"Cartman."
"Hm?"
"Please, I'm begging you. Please talk to me. I'm tired of seeing you like this. I just want you to be better. I want to help you, but you're not telling me anything. Don't you trust me?"
In the corner of my eye, I saw him twiddle with his fingers. He seemed to be conflicted. As if he's fighting the urge to just pour it all out. I don't want to come off as pushy, but I'm eager to hear everything. I placed a heavy hand on his shoulder and said,
"It's okay Cartman. I won't leave, or be mad, or scared or any of those things you think. I just want to be here for you."
He stared off for a second, and sighed. Giving in perhaps?
"Okay. I'll tell you everything."
It's happening.
It's really happening!
He's gonna talk to me.
"But you have to promise not to leave."
"I promise."
He sighed heavily, and looked out at the scenery before us, then he started,"It...it started back in sixth grade. Since I was just hitting puberty and my hormones were all fucked up, I got insecure about my weight. It's dumb, I know, but I couldn't help it. I didn't see a reason to get out of bed, so I didn't most days. I'd stay home and stuff my face, making me gain more weight. My mom was too scared of me to stop me, so I just continued. When she did get the courage though, I yelled at her. Not like normal yelling, like full on screaming. I broke things out of anger, and she'd apologise and go out, leaving me alone. I started to steal her drugs and shit, using them whenever I could. Even at school. Butters saw me shitfaced a few times. I feel bad for him. By the time eighth grade came, I was really overweight and more insecure than ever. So, I started to work out. In my room of course. If anyone at school saw me at the gym, I'm not sure how they'd react. I just did simple workouts in my room, but I did unhealthy things to try and reach my goals. Like, if I didn't do a certain amount of push ups, I'd miss meals until I did it. I lost weight, but I still wasn't happy because, not only was I in pain all the time, I didn't have any muscle. Which is what I wanted. Then, I turned to a different tactic. I'd starve myself, then eat a bunch to stop the pain, erase it, then work out all the fat I didn't erase."
"That's why you can't eat?"
"No, I'm getting there. I know it was a bad idea, but lack of nutrition prevented rational thinking and I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing. I was making progress, so what was the problem? Well, I can barely remember anything going on at that time, because my days were just filled with a painful routine of striving for an unachievable goal. My mouth and muscles were always sore, my head hurt, my body was in so much pain, I couldn't take it. I woke up one day and just broke down. I-"
He swallowed. A tear trailed down his cheek. I grabbed his hand and nodded for him to continue. He took a breath, and continued calmly,
"I wasn't happy, and I knew that it had to stop, so I tried to pretend everything was normal again. I tried to go back to my normal routine. The problem was that I couldn't eat. My reflexes would kick in and bring up anything that went down. So, I went back to starving myself. I didn't want to throw up anymore, so I just avoided food altogether. My mom and Butters tried to help me. Butters would help me with my anger issues by coming over sometimes. He was the only person I had left, so I started being nice to him. Not super nice, at first, but nice nonetheless. I'd make him cookies and stuff when he came over, and I'd help him with homework. He felt like a little brother to me, so I treated him as such. I can't say the same for my mom though. She would always bring up my eating problems, and it'd piss me off, ya know? So I lashed out at her many times. I never physically hurt her, I could never, but I did enough to scare her out of the house. One day, she came home with a man. She told me he was her boyfriend. I lashed out again, and Esteban put me in my place. He yelled so loud and firm it shook me to the core. I didn't lash out after that. My head hurt from starving myself, so hearing his loud booming voices usually sent me into fight or flight mode. Things only got worse from there."
Our finger intertwined and he stopped to look at our joined hands. I rubbed his hand with my thumb, urging him to continue further. I need to hear everything. I want to hear everything. Maybe I can help, but even if I can't, he has to get it out of his system. Confess.
"He started to get violent towards me. When my mom left for work, he'd bring me downstairs. Then, he'd complain on and on about how my mom doesn't stop talking about me and how worried she is. He was sick of it. He...h-he force fed me. A lot. He'd grab a random something from the fridge and force my mouth open, shoving it in. He held my head back and yelled at me to eat before he 'makes me pay'. Thanks to my poor decision making, I wasn't able to ever hold the food down, and puked it all up on the kitchen floor. He'd hit me for doing so, and force me to clean it up, no matter how weak I was. I hit back a few times, but I soon learned that when I did, he'd get super pissed. He dragged me to the basement and threw me down the steps, locking me in there until my mom came home and let me out. Sometimes, I'd be in there for days. My mom never believed me when I told her what happened. She scolded me for lying. I felt alone. Butters was barely able to come over because Esteban was always home, and Esteban's a damn fool if he thinks he's laying a hand on anyone else. I started to get angry again. I was scared and alone. Not even my own mom helped me. I yelled at her a lot, blaming her for everything. I told her I didn't love her on several occasions. It really hurt her. I wish I could take it back. Esteban would make me suffer every time I hurt her feelings. He'd force feed me copious amounts of food. Like, a fucking lot. There were times where I legitimately thought I was gonna die because of how much he was shoving into my mouth, and how much puke was spurting out, and how forcefully he was holding me down. I couldn't breathe, or see. After, I'd be sent to my room ,where I'd throw up until there was nothing left inside. I'd mostly pass out on the floor of my bedroom after it happened, because it was all too much."
I pulled Cartman into a tight hug, allowing him to let out all the pent up sadness and anger into his words and tears. I have a minute to think here and
I...
I don't know what to think at all. This is all too much for me to even process. I don't know what to say to him. That's so fucked up, traumatic doesn't even begin to describe it. I wish I could've been there for him during that time, but what would I have done? I could've told my parents, but in all honesty, they would've told me to mind my own business.
"Cartman, I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that happened."
"M..my mom. She was pregnant."
"I know, you told me."
"No, no I didn't. She was pregnant, and I was mad. I was blinded by rage, and I...I...I hit her."
"What?"
"I didn't mean to...didn't want to. I wasn't thinking. I just hit her. In the stomach. I told her to kill it. Esteban knocked me out, and when I woke up, they were gone without a trace. I never heard from them, never got to meet the baby. I miss her. I miss my mom."
I moved my hand to his hair and caressed his head, trying to soothe him.
"I'm sorry Kyle. You hate me now, huh?"
I pulled apart from the hug to look at him. His icy blue and chocolate brown eyes were shimmering from crying, and his cheeks were tinted pink. I felt my chest tighten seeing him this way. I never want to see him cry. Never again. Thinking quickly, I pressed my lips to his in the blink of an eye. When I looked at him again, he was dumbfounded.
"I don't hate you dummy. I love you."
"You...you what?"
"Love you. I love you Eric Cartman. And I'm not going back home without you. We can get help together. You're not alone here, and you'll never be alone again, because no matter where you go, or what path you choose to take, I will always be here with you. At your side, because I love you."
A smile tugged at his lips. Tears were still coming down, but they weren't out of pain. No, they were tears of pure happiness. He jumped back into my arms, crushing me, but I didn't care. I'm too overcome with the feeling of being loved back to think about how tight he's holding me. All this time, it's finally happened. He's opened up to me, and he loves me back. I can tell by the way his hearts beating that he's excited. My heart matches his. It's almost melodic. A perfect harmony of joy and love.
We climbed back into the car and drove home. I convinced him to come to my house and stay there so we can figure out what to do. He agreed and we drove back, holding hands the whole time. I'm so glad he feels the same way I do. It feels like I've been waiting centuries for this moment, and it didn't fail to meet its expectations. A comfortable silence filled the air on the drive home. Nothing needed to be said, everything was perfect. Well, not completely perfect, but nearly there. I guess nearly perfect is the most perfect it'll get with Cartman.
We pulled into my driveway, still holding hands. I didn't want to leave the car, cause I knew the storm that'd be waiting for me inside my house. My mom was never good at letting me take things into my own hands, especially Cartman related things. To her he's always been a 'troublemaker'. I'll have to agree with her on some aspects of that argument, but just because he used to be an awful human, doesn't mean he is anymore. I know that now, I understand that, but not everybody will. That's a fault that comes with loving someone like Cartman. There's always gonna be people that disapprove your relationship. I think that goes with every couple, but it's a little more extreme here, especially since this is the guy that idolized a person who commited mass genocide.
Cartman gave my hand a small squeeze, reminding me that it would be alright, just as I told him. I do believe it will be okay soon, but to prove so, I need to do this. I took a deep breath and let go of Cartman's hand so we could step out of the car. The second Cartman was at my side again, I quickly swiped his hand into mine, feeling myself calm at the warmth of his hands on mine. We made haste to the door, secretly hoping my parents wouldn't be there waiting for me. Sadly, my hopes were crushed when I saw my parents glaring holes into me on the couch. They looked super pissed at me.
"Kyle, do you mind explaining yourself?" My dad asked, arms crossed. My mother was tapping her finger on the armrest anxiously, but her scowl distracted me from thinking anything other than the obvious 'I'm in deep shit'.
"Um, I went looking for Cartman." I said simply. Finally, my parents gazed averted from me and at mine and Cartman's hands, which were locked on each other. I saw them piecing it together in their heads, and the moment it finally clicked. They looked back up at me with fear in their eyes. Then, they looked at Cartman, and back to me. Before anyone could speak, I heard a noise upstairs. At first I thought it might be Ike, but Ike's at hockey practice. Then we all turned to the staircase as someone came down.
"Thank you Sheila for letting me wash up in your-"
Liane?
She's here. How? Why?
I turned to Cartman, who had a mixture of happy,scared, and relieved look on his face. I let go of his hand and jerked my head towards Liane, hoping to get him to talk to her. He took a step forward, but stopped himself from moving any farther than that.
"Mom?" He asked, though the answer was obvious. "Mom, what are doing here?"
Liane looked away for a second, then ran to Cartman, hugging him. He staggered back a bit, then returned the hug, holding her like I'd never seen him do before. I know he really cares about his mom, whether he shows it or not, so being apart from her for so long must've been absolutely horrible for him.
"I'm so sorry Eric. You were right. Esteban was not who he seemed. I should've listened to you."
Cartman didn't respond, he just held her in his arms. It occured to me then, wasn't Liane pregnant?
"Where's the baby?" I asked. Her eyes widen and Cartman parted from her slightly, taking in her reaction.
"What did he do?" Cartman asked. His tone was dark and full of venom. Liane cleared her throat, "Actually hon, he didn't do anything. When you punched me, you triggered a miscarriage hon. I know you didn't mean it though sweetie."
Oh shit! I looked to Cartman, making sure he didn't plan on doing anything rash. Thankfully, he didn't try to run off or anything. He just paused for a second, then started again,
"Then how come you left me? If you knew I didn't mean to, why did you leave me on my own?"
"I didn't mean to hurt you Eric. I was having a nervous breakdown and Esteban told me to go with him, so I did. I didn't think he'd take me across the state. I tried to get back to you, but he wouldn't let me leave. After he found out about the miscarriage, he locked me in the house. I managed to escape, and I devoted my days to finding you. I also heard what happened while I was gone. What you did."
Liane hugged Cartman again. I was glad Cartman and his mom were reunited, but I have a few things to settle still. I looked back at my parents and urged them to follow me to the kitchen. They do quietly, as not to disturb our guests, and I sat back against the counter as they walk in. They have this look on their faces, I can't even fathom. It's like anger, or maybe worried. I hate when they do this. Why can't they just talk to me like I'm a normal human instead of assuming I know exactly what they want from me. Usually, I'm pretty good at reading people, but my parents somehow are masters at masking their true intents.'Sneak Jews' Cartman would put it. I can't say I don't agree, cause that'd be a lie.
They just stood there, arms crossed, waiting for me to speak. I know they want me to explain myself, but no matter what I say, the answer will always be wrong. Might as well tell them the truth then, huh?
"Look, I'm sorry okay? I know I screwed up. I should've have stolen the car and left without saying anything, but someone's life was at stake. I couldn't just sit around and-"
"That's not what we're mad about Kyle." My mom said sharply. Wait, so if they're not mad because I stole the car then...
Oh no. I thought we were past this. I thought my parents were better than this.
"Kyle, you have to understand what you're doing here." My dad stated. I know he's gonna try using one of his lawyer tactics on me. He's done it before. I don't know if he knows he's doing it, but I wish he'd talk to me like his son instead of someone in court.
"I do understand what I'm getting myself into dad!"
"Do you really?"
"Yes! I know the dangers of being gay in today's world. Sure, it's less than it was in your time, but it's still present, and I know how to deal with-"
"Kyle, that's not what's going on here."
"It's not?"
Then what the hell are they going on about? Unless..
My mom spoke, "Kyle, we don't want you dating that boy."
Oh jesus christ!
"You guys have no place to speak on who I choose to date. That's my business and only my business!"
"Kyle, he's nothing but a troubled young man."
"I can't believe you guys think you even have a say in this!"
"Because we do Kyle. We are your parents!"
"Yeah, and what great 'parents' you two are. Just because you are my parents, that doesn't give you the right to control every aspect of me that you don't agree with. Guess what? I'm my own human being guys. Not some mold of clay you can shape into the 'perfect son' so you can brag to all your Jewish friends about great your sons are."
My dad stepped up to my plate, trying to intimidate me. I didn't step down. I refuse to give him the upper hand. I refuse to let my guard down.
"Kyle, quit being difficult. Your mother and I worked hard to make you into a respectable young man, but this boy you want to associate yourself with has already turned you into a delinquent by making you make irrational decisions, and you've only been hanging out for a week. I'm not gonna let you ruin your future for some unstable mess of a man who isn't even worth it!"
A loud crack echoed throughout the room. I just struck my dad. Holy shit!
After he'd realised what I had done, I saw a fire ignite behind his eyes. My mom grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards her.
"What is wrong with you!?"
Honestly, I'm not sure anymore. All I know is I need to get out of here, quick. I can't think rationally now, everything is moving too fast for me to process. I tore myself from my mom's grasp, and bolted out the door without another word. I knew my mom was calling after me from the house, but I didn't dare look back. I all I could hear was my heart beating in my ears. My breath was heavy and raspy. I might have been crying. This the second time I've bolted out of my house crying this month. What is this, a teen drama?
I'm so glad that I know South park so well, because it didn't take me too long to get to Stark's pond. I didn't want to be anywhere really, and this is the only place I know that I'm safe at. I've had so many great memories at this place.
I took a seat on the bench, trying to relax, but how could I? I just fucking struck my dad. My own father. The man who raised me my whole life. God, I'm such an idiot. He was totally right about me. I'm turning into a delinquent and making irrational decisions. How could I have been so stupid? I might not be able to come home after that. I might need to pack my bags. What if they send me away? To an obedience school, like a dog. Or worse, they kick me out. Where will I live?
I heard the grass shuffling behind me, and saw Cartman sheepishly walking towards me. I paid him no mind, as I'm too lost in my own sour thoughts. Cartman took a seat next to me, and placed his hand on mine.
"It's okay. I know how you feel."
Right, Cartman does know how I feel. Probably the only person in South park that does.
"I'm a bad son." I said simply. Cartman shook his head and replied,
"Not a bad son, just a bad follower. You've never been the type to just take in something someone says. You've always had to do something about it. If you thought something was unfair, or immoral, you'd go out and you'd change it. It's something I both love and hate about you, and is one of the main reasons why I didn't want to open up to you."
Damn, really? The reason Cartman never wanted to talk to me was because of...
me.
"Don't beat yourself up over it Kahl. I said I love and hate it about you"
I hide the fact that Cartman just indirectly just said he loves me. We can dwell on that later.
"Why can't things just be perfect for once?"
.
.
.
"Do you agree with him?"
"About what?"
"About me. About how I'm just an unstable mess of a man who isn't worth it? Who isn't worth you?"
I don't even need to think about the answer. It tumbles out of my mouth the second he's done asking.
"No. Not the slightest. He may have been right about a few things, but you will forever be worth it. If anything, I'm the one who isn't worth you."
"Oh god, don't say that Kahl."
I snickered a little, and squeezed his hand.
"This is all so overwhelming."
"Yeah, but it's all part of the process."
I sat up and looked at him.
"What process?"
"The healing process."
"What's that?"
"It's usually the process helped to aid a wound, but it works just as well for emotional and mental pain. The first step is to find the underlying issue. In my case, it was what led me to attempting. In your case, I'm not sure yet. That's what I'm striving for."
"Well, what's the second step?"
"Make a goal. You know how people end up depressed? It's because they don't have a goal in life. They just work to survive. No long term plans, nothing ahead of them, no idea what they're doing in life. That's how people end up sad. They wake up one day and realise that they've done nothing with their lives, and their best years are behind them."
"Well, what's your goal?"
He pauses and looks out at the pond.
"Right now, my goal is just being with you. This relationship, or not relationship whatever you wanna call it, is the only thing on my mind right now. It's gonna be a problem for us in the long term, so I need to put my all into it. You're gonna do the same, right?"
"Y-yeah. 100%."
I know this is probably a bad idea, but that's all this month has been to me. A series of bad ideas leading me to the best moment of my life. So, what's another bad idea gonna do?
The end!
I'm kind of sad it's over. Since I'm still intrigued in this storyline, I figure why not continue it? Not on this story though. This story is about Cartman's healing process, now it's time for Kyle's coming to terms with his messy relationship. I think I'll call the sequel 'The four phases of acceptance'. Sinc is 12, there's gonna be 12 chapters! I'm sorry I'm splitting the story like this, but I've already made the title and everything.
The next story will cover Stan's reaction, Kyle and his parents, Details of Cartman's past/his recovery, more on Esteban and Kyle's acception of his relationship with Cartman, hence 'The four phases of acceptance'.
Well children, it's been a fun ride. We've shared laughs, tears and moments of tension, but it's all come down to this. Fear not though, you haven't seen the last of me.
One more thing. I'll be posting this story on my Wattpad too, which is Stripes_master. Please follow me if you get the chance.
~Craigory