Back to work tomorrow - it's only a short one. Got to do some admin at home in the afternoon. I'm not properly back in the office until Friday, at least, so that will be nice. Hopefully means I'll get some more writing done soon.

Warning: fertility issues and so many emotions

Maura was reading a medical journal on her bed, classical music playing in the background, when she heard the front door to the apartment closing. It had been barely twelve hours since she'd left the doctor's office. Despite her attempt to distract herself, she'd barely got through the first paragraph of the article on in vitro fertilisation. She listened out for any sign that something wasn't right but a moment later Maya peered around the bedroom door; a smile plastered across her face. Placing the medical journal on the bed, Maura forged a smile.

"Good evening, darling," she said, patting the other side of the bed. Maya kicked off her shoes and crawled beside her. "How is your mom?"

"She's good," Maya said, sitting down. She picked up the medical journal and scanned the contents. "We had burritos."

Every night after Maya visited her biological mother, they sat down together and talked. Even when Maura didn't feel up to it. She plastered a smile on her face once more, forcing herself to keep up the pretence that everything was fine. It wasn't. It was anything but. The more she fought against her emotions, the harder it was. "How is her job?"

"She's been there for three years yesterday. They had a party to celebrate. Roger got to meet all of her friends."

"Her and Roger are still together?" Resting her legs over the edge of the bed, Maura took a moment to steady herself. She pulled out a pair of pyjamas from her drawer, grateful that her back was turned. "She's really turned her life around in the last few years. I'm glad she's doing the right thing by you."

"Yeah. Roger's great. They want to go away for the weekend for their anniversary and they asked me to join. Roger's son Ben will be there too." Maya tossed the journal onto the bedside table and stood up. She took a pair of earrings off Maura's dressing table and held them up to her earlobes.

Breathing slowly, Maura pushed the wave of emotion down. She placed her night clothes onto the bed. The way Maya paced back and forth on the other side of the room, the earrings abandoned, pulled Maura's attention. She stopped what she was doing. "What's wrong?"

They'd known each other long enough that Maura knew when Maya wasn't being completely truthful. She picked up the remote for the stereo and turned down the music. The louder it was, the more distracting it became.

"Is it okay if I go with them?"

"Of course." She knew her voice didn't portray the strength of her response. She picked up her pyjamas again, anything to distract her hands. "That's not what's wrong though, you know you can go away with Melanie if the opportunity arises."

"Nothing's wrong."

"Maya."

She pushed the toes of her socks into the carpet, her eyes diverted anywhere but Maura. When she finally started talking, the words came out so fast Maura could barely process them. "There's a party on Saturday at Sarah's house and I want to go, please can I go? It's not her birthday or anything, she's just having a party and there's not gonna be any alcohol just music and dancing and fruit punch. Everyone else is going, Zuma, Kali, Bec, Angelina. If you don't let me, I'll be the only kid in my grade who isn't going."

In an instant, they had approached new territory. One that Maura wasn't sure she was ready for. Not once in the previous years had Maya asked to go to a party – the kind of party Maura assumed she would be less likely to approve of. Despite her protestation that there would be no alcohol, Maura knew that it was a detail so easily changed. The year before it had been laser tag or bowling parties, the occasional pool party. Every invite had been sent out by the parents of the birthday girl or boy.

"Are Sarah's parents going to be there?"

"I…I don't…know," Maya said, looking sheepish. "Please, Mom! I'll do extra chores for a month, I'll do the weeding outside, I'll help Jane fix things. I'll do anything."

"I need to think about it." She unzipped her dress and pulled it over her head. "It's a big decision."

Maya groaned. "But I need to tell Sarah tomorrow."

"I don't have an answer for you," Maura said, slipping into her pyjama pants. She turned away and closed her eyes. The longer the conversation went on, the harder it was to hide her feelings. She'd been tearful all day. It was a blessing in disguise that Maya had gone from school to see her mother.

"Will you think quickly?"

Maura rubbed her eyes, brushing a couple of tears from her cheek. She sighed. "Maya."

"Please! It's just a party. Nothing bad's gonna happen. You've known Sarah for years. You know she's not stupid."

"I said I need to think about it," Maura whispered, emotion flooding her voice.

"But Mom!"

"No," Maura bit back, her voice harsher than usual. She regretted her tone, but it was too late, she was filled up with frustration and it was impossible to stop herself. "If you don't stop asking me to make a decision the answer will be no."

"That's not fair!" Maya shouted; her face turned red. "Everyone else's mom's said it's okay. Melanie said that if it was her decision then she would let me."

"I'm not Melanie!"

"Right now, I wish you were."

The mere suggestion that Maya wished she was not her mother hit her hard. Maura closed her eyes and tried to calm herself, but her hands shook, and her heart raced. "You are really pushing my buttons right now, Maya Angel Stevens. Apologise."

"No!"

"Maya!"

"What I said was the truth! You told me to always tell the truth," Maya snapped. "Mom is moving to Canada, she said that if I wanted to go with her I could. If you won't let me live my life you should let her!"

"What?" Maura asked, the words taking a moment to process. "What did you say?"

"She wants me to go with her! She knows I can't unless you say I can, unless the department says I can, and you can tell the department to let me go."

The next breath caught in Maura's throat. "Why would I do that?"

"Let me go to the party!"

Maura scoffed. Everything was happening so fast. "Are you trying to manipulate me right now, Maya?"

"I just wanna go to the party!"

"And Canada? Do you want to go there, too?"

"I…I dunno."

Tears pricked at her eyes. A flood was about to fall, and Maura couldn't contain it much longer. She pulled her pyjama shirt over her head, anything to distract herself for a moment. She stared Maya down, the bed the only thing separating them physically, but for the first time in a long time, there was so much more between them.

"You can't go to the party and you can't go to Canada," Maura said.

"Why not?" Maya asked, her whole face contorted. "Why can't I fucking go?"

Using the last ounce of resolve she had left, Maura said "Because I said so, and you need to rethink your choice of words right now."

"I hate you!" Maya screamed running from the room.

When the door slammed shut, Maura crumbled onto the bed. Her heart ached for Maya, for the children she'd miscarried all those years ago, for the children she'd never conceive. She wrapped her arms around a pillow and pulled her knees up into the foetal position. The tears flowed so fast she could barely breath, every breath caught in her throat, and she coughed and spluttered through the pain.

She loved Maya, she didn't want to lose her, but the better her biological mother's life became, the more opportunity there was for that to happen. It had come out of left field, an unexpected shock at a really bad time.

Underneath it all was the pain that she felt for the babies she never got to meet, and the idea of being a mother again disappearing into the past.

X

With a note in one hand, and a spare set of keys in the other, Jane clipped the baby monitor to her belt and ambled up the stairs to the penthouse. It was midday. She tapped lightly on the door; a mere formality given she expected Maura to be at work. When nobody answered the door, she took the key Maura gave her out of her pocket and unlocked it. She peered her head around the door, quickly scanning the apartment for signs of life.

"Anyone home?" she asked, slipping into the apartment.

"Hello?"

Jane jumped as the door to the left of the dining room opened and Maura walked out. She stuffed the note into her pocket and stood upright. "You're home, sorry. I just wanted to drop off my key."

"I said you could keep it," Maura said, her eyes red, her hair dishevelled and her voice a bare whisper.

"I meant the key to my apartment." She held it out, but Maura didn't reach for it. Jane placed it on the kitchen bench. She was about to turn and leave then thought better of it. There was something about the way Maura carried herself, about the sadness in her eyes, that kept her there. "The locksmith left some spares. I figured since it's your building you would want one of them."

"Oh. Right." Maura tugged her wrap down, crossed the room and took the key, sliding it into the pocket of her jeans. "I'd rather you didn't let yourself into my apartment."

"Course, I'm sorry," Jane said, glancing down at the baby monitor on her belt. She longed for Teagan to wake, to give her a reason not to deal with whatever was going on with Maura. When no cries came, she stood upright again. "You okay?"

Maura nodded curtly. "Yes."

Her response did little to allay Jane's concerns, but her tone shut down any further conversation. Jane ran her fingers through her hair and stared at Maura for a moment longer than was deemed necessary. She tried to ignore the tears welling in her eyes. All she wanted to do was pull her into her arms and soothe her, but they weren't really that kind of close yet, and Jane didn't know how to bridge that gap.

"I went through my apartment," she said, hoping that they could break through whatever ice had formed. "Checked everything. I know you think it's fine, but I had to make sure there wasn't another reason for someone breaking in. I couldn't find any cameras or bugs."

"That's good to hear."

"Yeah. I noticed the locksmith has started changing the locks downstairs."

Maura nodded. "It made sense to upgrade security for every apartment. Once the doors are done, we will be upgrading the window locks, then the security system."

"Makes sense."

Crossing the room, Maura opened the front door. "If you don't mind, I'm busy."

"Oh, yeah." Jane headed for the door. She turned around in the space and smiled at Maura, despite her less than cheerful demeanour. Jane slid her hand across the back of her neck and cleared her throat. "Hey, maybe we could get a drink."

"I have to be somewhere soon."

"Not now." Jane stuffed her fingers into her back pockets and moved from one foot to the other. "I was thinking we could go out someplace, maybe at the weekend. If Maya's okay babysitting, we could go to a bar or get some food, it'd be nice to get out of the apartment."

Maura tucked her wrap tightly around her body, holding it close. She shrugged. "I don't think so."

"Oh." As if right on cue, the baby monitor sprang to life. Jane unclipped it and held it out in front of her. "I should go."

X

When the door closed behind Jane, Maura reach out to the kitchen bench as her whole body shook and tears streamed down her face. She clutched the edge of the countertop. Everything she'd held in since Jane's arrival came flooding out. She rushed back into her bedroom and sat on the bed, waiting for the tears to subside. She stripped and stood under the shower in the master bath. The hot water mixed with her tears, disappearing down the drain. She closed her eyes. The world melted away. The sound of the water calming her nerves. She regretted saying no to Jane. If only because spending time with Jane was the only light she had in her life, expecting Maya, and even that wasn't going well right now. She longed to go back a couple of days. Maybe if she'd never got the test results, she wouldn't have blown up at Maya, and maybe she wouldn't feel so broken.

The reality was that she couldn't have a biological child, that wouldn't change. But finding out that Maya was considering moving away with her biological mother; she couldn't lose her daughter, not now, not ever. The gaping valley grew with every passing minute, and she didn't know how to slow the erosion. It wasn't that long ago she thought she might be able to adopt her, and now she was faced with the complete opposite.

She dried off, changed, and returned to the kitchen to make lunch. Her heart still ached, her mind still wandered, but the threat of tears had passed. She tidied up the kitchen, emptied the trash, and took letters down to the mailboxes for the residents.

On her way back up the stairs, Albert was running down. "Maura! There you are. I've been up and down and up and down; I'm beginning to feel like a yo-yo. I tried calling but you didn't answer."

"I left my cell in my apartment, is everything alright, Albert?" She noted his pale skin, his eyes darting back and forth. "Whatever's wrong?"

"No. Not at all. I just got home and…"

"Wait, come down." She returned to the first floor and motioned for Albert to join her in the common room. They each took a seat on the couch. "What happened when you arrived home?"

"The door to my apartment." He shook his head and lowered it into his hands. He groaned. "It was open. I think somebody has been inside."

"Are you certain?"

"I don't know." He leaned back. Maura closed her eyes. The last thing she needed was repeat break-ins. She forced herself to remain calm, even tried to smile. Albert groaned, his head still in his hands. "It didn't look like anything was missing. I have very expensive texts in my bookcase, they're still there, thankfully. I've already called the police. Someone is on their way, but I wanted to let you know. I heard about what happened with Jane."

"I'm so sorry, Albert," Maura said, resting a hand on his shoulder. "I can assure you that all of the locks are being changed. I've just a moment ago put a letter in your mailbox informing you of the date. But I can rearrange and prioritise you, given the circumstances."

"Thank you." He placed his hand over Maura's. "I would appreciate it if you would. I've been in lectures all day; I've had a very busy week. I was hoping to unwind with some music and light reading. Plus, my granddaughter is supposed to be coming over next weekend and I want to know that she'll be safe."

"Feel free to stay in here until the police have gone. I'll liaise with them, ensure that this is escalated to the detective who came out yesterday. I'll call Fred, have him prioritise your lock and ensure we can have the rest changed sooner."

"You are too kind."

She rubbed his arm and kissed his cheek. "I'll always look after you, Albie."

X

"Why didn't you call me?" Jane shouted, marching forward as Maura reached the top of the stairs outside the penthouse. She dropped her clenched fist to her side and let out a growl. "You should have fucking called me."

"Excuse me?" Maura asked, her mouth open. She stepped back. "Is there really any need for that kind of language?"

"Sorry." Jane rubbed her face. Her breath shook on its way out. "You should have told me."

"I'm sorry, Jane," Maura said, her eyebrows knitted together. She let her purse hang low on her arm as she unlocked the apartment door. "But I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

"The break in!"

"Oh, that."

"Yes, that." She ground her teeth and followed Maura into the apartment, slamming the door shut behind her. On a trip down to her mailbox, she'd bumped into Albert, who'd shared with her what had happened. Word for word his experience mirrored hers, and she was fuming. "Why didn't you call?"

"I haven't had time."

"Bullshit."

"Jane, please."

She slammed her fist down on the kitchen bench and let out a screech. "I'm furious!"

"I know." Maura placed her purse on the bench beside Jane's fist and turned to face her. Jane sighed; each breath heavier than she would have liked. The pain in Maura's eyes had barely dissipated since their earlier conversation, and Jane couldn't help but regret her harsh tones. "I can see how angry you are. I wasn't trying to keep this from you."

"What are you gonna do about it?" Jane asked, tapping her fingers across the marble countertop. She closed her eyes. A tear escaped her eye and strolled down her cheek. She ran her sleeve across her face and let out a sniffle. "I don't feel safe here, Maura."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm doing the best I can."

"Are you?"

"Yes." Maura opened her purse and pulled out an envelope. Jane snatched it off her and opened it, scanning the contents. "I have written to all of the residents about the measures I'm taking to secure the property. It will take some time. I'm working as fast as I can."

"Maybe I should just move," Jane said, twisting her hair around her fingers and letting it drop. She didn't want to cry, but the sting of tears and the lump in her throat pushed her towards the edge. "This place was a mistake. This, you, everything, I should pack up my things and leave."

"No!"

It was the first time in a couple of days that Jane could hear any sense of confidence in her voice. She wanted to believe it was about her, she wanted it to mean something.

"No?" Jane scoffed. "You don't want me here, I'm more trouble than I'm worth. I thought you liked me, I thought we were getting along well. After the weekend, but then you went cold. I tried to ask you out hoping it would change things..."

"You…what? What do you mean?"

She averted her gaze. The humiliation she'd felt after her earlier proposition still lingered, and she wasn't about to allow herself to go through that again. Except, she wanted to be honest with Maura, she wanted her to know where her head was at.

"Earlier when I asked you for drinks, I was asking you out on a date, which you were clearly not interested in. I don't know why I fucking bothered. I thought I could trust you and now it's like we're not even friends."

"Oh."

"Oh?" Jane rolled her eyes. "That's all you have to say?"

"I don't…I have a lot on my mind right now."

She didn't know what she expected but that certainly wasn't it. Jane had put herself on the line, twice, and she was left with nothing. "So, what, that means you can be rude and dismissive?"

Maura's voice cracked. "I didn't mean to…"

"Yeah, well, you did. Just…forget it." The wall rebuilt in an instant. Jane pushed aside her feelings, her hope that maybe some good could come out of all of this. "Forget I asked. I don't want to go out with you anymore. Not when you're like this."

"Please, Jane, that's not fair."

"You're right. It's not." She reached for the door, hesitated. "But you have been trying to get me to open up for weeks, you've pushed, and you've pried, and I honestly didn't care. Now? You're acting like none of that should even apply to you. You can't expect me to be honest with you if you're not gonna be honest with me, too."

Maura's face crumbled, her shoulders shook. She cupped her hands around her face as great gasping sobs escaped her. Jane stood opposite, taken aback by how quickly she'd gone from a wall of cold to a crumbling mess. Everything she'd said felt bitter, and though her reasoning was fair, she regretted how hard she pushed her.

"I'm…I'm sorry," Jane whispered, crossing the space between them, and pulling her into her arms. She'd needed support so often lately that she'd forgotten to return the favour, and it hurt to know how much she'd failed. Maura rested her head against Jane's chest. The splattering of tears soaked through her shirt. She held her tightly. "Will you tell me what's wrong?"

"I've been having tests, for my fertility. I got the results yesterday, they weren't good."

"So, what does that mean?"

"It means I can't get pregnant; I can't have a biological child."

"What?" Jane and Maura both looked up at the sound of Maya's voice from the doorway. "You want a baby?"