Happiness Is(n't) In The Having

by Nayeliq1

It's not a decision. It isn't a thought that drives him to throw himself at Cas, between Cas and this supernatural entity he knows he can't defeat. He's done it before he even knows he moved at all, arms wrapped around the angel as tightly as possible. It was more like a reflex, an instinct, maybe. There was nothing else to be done, so why not do something insanely stupid?

11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven - Come Home

I'm so sorry, I'm behind my schedule. I just wrote like half of this, and it wouldn't be me if that didn't mean in the middle of the night. I'm really sorry this took so long, but this was the first chapter I built completely from scratch without any dialogue parts ready in my ideas folder or anything. This was a spontaneous decision, just an idea that came to me and wouldn't leave me again. I actually hate writing anything with even hints of plot as this, so I hope it didn't turn out weird.

But I've kept you waiting long enough, so I'll stop complaining and apologizing and just let you read.
Maybe you can forgive me bc it's a long one...?

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

"You sure you don't want us to take him, Cas?"

Sam looks doubtfully between Cas and the dog lying in a corner of the library. Cas has never been alone with Miracle until now, that's why Sam had offered to look after him in the first place.

"Thank you, Sam. But I'm sure I will be fine." Cas smiles at him encouragingly. "You two go and have a nice time together."

Sam hesitates. It would be nice to go on a date without any distractions. And Miracle is asleep. And Dean should be back soon, anyway... He throws a questioning glance at Eileen standing by his side and she shrugs her shoulders, apparently going through the same considerations.

"If you're sure, I guess..." Sam looks at Miracle again, calm and peaceful on the floor and decides that it can't hurt. Cas has been around for the creation of the world, he should be able to look after a dog for a few hours, right? "Yeah", Sam says, slowly nodding his head, "thanks, Cas."

"You're welcome."

Sam smiles gratefully at him before he grabs Eileen's hand and they make their way up the stairs.

"Oh, and Cas?", he calls down once they reach the door, unable to hide his the smirk on his face, "You and Dean don't stay up for us. Might get late." He grins when Eileen playfully slaps him on the shoulder and exchanges another meaningful look with Cas, who's sat down on the chair closest to Miracle.

"Hey, buddy", Sam hears the angel's voice just as he's about to close the door. "We're gonna have a great time too, won't we?"

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

It's when Dean drives home from his shopping trip that he realizes it.

He feels good. He feels good.

Sammy and Eileen are on a date this evening, which they had announced with smiles on their faces. And as Dean had been out for several purchases they had to make, Sammy had said they'd take Miracle. Meaning Dean would get to be alone with Cas. A few days ago, that prospect would have twisted his stomach, but now that they're on friendly terms again, he's really looking forward to it. Not that his stomach is calm, but the fluttering is one of nervous excitement rather than dread.

Today is a good day. His family is happy. And he's gonna make sure to have a nice evening with Cas, no drama, no fighting, no arguing, no stupid feeling getting in the way (hahaha, ok, maybe not this one), just a nice calm evening with his best friend. Who he's friends with. Like...friendly. Y'know.

Yeah, friendly friends time with his best friend Cas.

Dean can make dinner and Cas will say he doesn't eat, but then he'll try it anyway when Dean places a plate in front of him, and he'll pretend to like it for Dean's sake, and Dean will feel that sense of pride he always feels when Cas does something to make him happy. Cas does that sometimes. Dean can't say he doesn't notice. But it's nothing to read anything into. Cas is just being his friend. Friends want to see each other happy, right?

Maybe they'll watch a movie or something. They haven't done that in a long time. Too long. Dean has tried to watch some lately, tried to distract himself, but the Deancave seems too empty without the others there and watching something just with Sammy felt weird for some reason. He's used to having the three of them there. Dean won't think about why the thought of watching something alone with Cas doesn't feel weird at all. He's not gonna think about the intimacy of sitting on the same couch either, sharing a bowl of popcorn (that once again - Cas will only pick at to please Dean), the room dark around them, with only the flickering lights from the screen illuminating their faces. He's not gonna think about how easy it will be to sit a little too close, to accidentally touch Cas' hand when he passes the bowl. He's not gonna think about it. Which doesn't mean he's not gonna do to. He just won't think about it now.

Now, he just concentrates on the road, on the familiar and comforting sound of Baby's motor, of the fact that with every passing second, she's bringing him closer to home, closer to...

Dean smiles and drives just a little faster.

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

Cas looks up from his book when he hears the dog whimper. He'd been lying next to Cas' chair, but has grown increasingly restless over the last half hour. When Cas puts Jane Austen aside, Miracle jumps to his feet, looking at him expectantly.

"What is it, buddy?"

Miracle runs to the staircase, looks at the door of the bunker before directing his gaze back at Cas and whimpers again. Cas throws a glance at the clock on the wall. It's been hours since Sam and Eileen left, he realises, wrinkling his brow. Dean should have been back by now, shouldn't he? His first instinct is to worry, but he knows it won't do any good. Maybe he'd simply needed longer than anticipated. Maybe the stores had been crowded. Maybe he had to refuel the Impala. Maybe he's stuck in traffic.

Whatever it is, he's not here, and Miracle is still looking up at Cas like that. He doesn't have to wonder where the expression 'puppy eyes' comes from as the dog's gaze flits between the angel and the door.

"You need to be let out, don't you?", Cas asks the dog, who wags his tail when he gets up and makes his way up the stairs.

The sun feels nice on his skin when he steps outside and he watches with a smile how Miracle excitedly sniffs around in the grass. It reminds him of the day he'd gone out on the walk with Dean, the warm air moving the trees above them, the smell of earth, growth and life filling their noses. He can see the picture of Dean before his inner eye, smiling and peaceful.

He'd looked peaceful that night, too, the night a few days ago when he had watched him in his sleep. Dean hasn't said a word about it. Maybe he doesn't remember. Maybe he doesn't want to remember.

Would he regret it, Cas asks himself, if he remembered? Would he regret asking Cas to stay? Stay that night, stay at the bunker, stay in his life. It's something Cas has long been yearning for, being asked to stay. His heart had sped up in his chest when Dean uttered that little word. Despite all the times Cas failed him, Dean asked him to stay. Despite all the things Cas forced on him, the day Billie died, Dean still asked him to stay. Sure, Cas had the best intentions at that moment, but he'd never expected them to have to deal with the repercussions now. Dean already has such a heavy burden to carry. Cas had never wanted to be one of them. He never wanted to add to the weight on Dean's shoulders.

He feels selfish now, loading all of his heart on Dean, to know and to ignore. He feels selfish for stealing those moments, like the night he stayed, even knowing Dean wouldn't have wanted him to. He feels selfish for wanting to have such a moment again, and again and again and again. He feels selfish for not being satisfied with what Dean wants to give, and he's given so much more in the last couple of days than Cas could have asked for.

And still, he wants more. The heart is a hungry traitor.

When he finds his way back out of his thoughts, the patch of grass is empty, and Miracle is nowhere to be seen.

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

Dean closes the door of the bunker with his back and hurries down the stairs with a light step to his feet. He's not surprised to find the library to be deserted and goes to dump the bags he's carrying on the kitchen table. Sam and Eileen should be gone by now and Cas spends most of his time alone reading in his room, so that's where Dean's feet lead him automatically. He doesn't bother knocking, opens the door with a smile on his face - and feels it falling when he's met with nothing but an empty bed.

"Cas?" He sticks his head out of the room and looks down both directions of the corridor. Nothing. No angel in sight. No answer either.

That's strange. But well. Maybe the guy's taking a shower or whatever. Not that he needs to do that, but Cas had taken up some habits since he'd been human, and who's Dean to argue against the advantages of a nice hot shower?

There's no sound of water coming from the bathroom when he gets there though, and Dean feels his feet picking up their pace as he starts checking one room after another.

"Cas?" No one in his room, the training room, the Deancave.

"Cas?!" He even looks in Sammy's room, even though he can think of no reason whatsoever why Cas should be in there. (Not that he has any reason to be in Dean's room, either, and it had been pure coincidence that he'd checked there first. Really.)

"Cas!" He doesn't like the way his voice gets louder, pitched higher. He doesn't like the way his chest contracts, the way he finds it increasingly harder to breathe with every empty room he comes across. He doesn't like the feeling of panic he can't seem to swallow, no matter how much he tries.

"Son of a bitch", he curses under his breath as he hurries down the umpteenth corridor. He reluctantly brings himself to throw a glance at the dungeon. He hasn't been here, not since that day. It's just as empty as he feared. His throat tightens and he makes quick move to get away.

"Where the hell is he?"

He knows he's being irrational. (He's not. He's lost too many people, he's watched too many people leaving him, he's watched Cas leaving him too many times...)

He doesn't know what happened. Maybe Cas has just taken a walk. Maybe something has come up. Maybe he's just in a part of the bunker where he can't hear Dean calling. The space is much larger than it seems. Maybe he overlooked something. He's almost sure they still haven't even discovered every room attached. Maybe his worry is needless. He doesn't know. But that's sort of the problem. He doesn't know.

Cas? He's praying now. He hadn't intended it. Where are you, man? Cas? If you can hear me, wherever you are, come home.

The thought, the prayer, is out there before he can grasp for the words and pull them back. Fuck. He hadn't meant for it to sound like that. So needy, so demanding. It's probably nothing and now Dean sounds like some sort of clingy idiot. But what if it isn't nothing? Because what should have come up, anyway? Cas doesn't know anyone else around here and if one of their friends would have come by, he would have invited them in. What if something had happened to Sam or Eileen? No, then one of them had surely called him by now.

Actually, while we're at it...Couldn't Cas have just fucking called him if he'd had to go out? Not that he's Cas' babysitter or anything. Not that Cas needs to inform Dean of every step he takes.

But...urgh, well. He doesn't have a good reason. Just...but.

You don't own me, Dean. Yeah, yeah, he knows. He damn well knows. And he's no controlling psychopath or anything, ok? He's just worried about his family's safety, that's all. That's normal, right? Cas should be here and he's not.

He can go wherever he fucking wants. He's his own person, he's a grown-ass man or...angel. Both. Anyway. Point is he has every right to be wherever the hell he is right now, but what would've been so hard about leaving a damn message, huh?

Hey, Dean, I went heaven knows where, I'll be back in an hour. That's not so hard, is it?

I'll be back. Dean doesn't want to admit to himself that that's the part that worries him the most. Vanishing without a word or any apparent reason does kinda make sense when you don't plan on coming back. Dean forces the thought down into the dark pit it came from. He's ashamed he even allowed it emerge. He shouldn't question Cas like that.

He'd said he wouldn't leave. He'd promised.

He's gonna be back. He's gonna be back and it will all turn out to be a stupid misunderstanding. He miscalculated time. He got lost in thoughts watching the bees. He met a wounded animal he needed to heal. Some perfectly reasonable and angelic Cas-crap.

Dean tries to convince himself and fails miserably, shamefully. He's overreacting and he can't bring himself to stop, his feet to slow down, his breathing to calm, his thoughts to stop racing.

In the end, he finds himself back in the library, panting and sweaty and with a mind that's unable to form a single clear thought except for the one.

Cas is gone.

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

Cas?

Cas is about to make his way around the lake for the second time when he receives the prayer. He stops in his tracks, listens to Dean's voice in his head. Where are you, man? Cas? He sounds tense. Nothing happened to him, did it? Nothing worse than Cas losing his beloved dog, that is. If you can hear me, wherever you are, come home.

Come home. Cas sighs. He's searched everywhere. He looked beneath bushes and behind trees and every place he could think of, but Miracle is nowhere to be found. He can't go back like that, can he? Dean loves that dog, how can he appear under his eyes and admit that he's a stupid thoughtless fool that didn't look properly after something Dean loves? And Miracle is not just something. He's a living, breathing being, a part of his father's creation, and Chuck being a colossal dick doesn't make the world he brought to life any less beautiful. If he doesn't find the dog, if something happens to him...

But it's useless to continue his fruitless search now. He has no idea how to go on, where else to look, what else to try. He called his name and checked everywhere he could think of, twice, he's worried and frustrated and exhausted and angry with himself.

And Dean, Dean is back at the bunker. Dean has prayed to him. Dean sounds agitated.

Come home.

Resigned, Cas does.

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

"Cas!" The name leaves Dean's lips in a breath of relief, almost sickening in its intensity at the sight of a familiar trenchcoat appearing at the top of the stairs. The angel makes his way down and looks at Dean, attempting a smile.

"Hey."

No hello, Dean, it shoots through Dean's 's wrong? Is there something wrong? But there's no time for that right now. Hug first. His body moves of its own when he steps forward and pulls Cas tightly against him, soaking in the solid warmth in his arms. The angel is stiff for a moment before he relaxes a little, hesitantly placing his arms on the hunter's back in return. He feels reserved, Dean can't help but think, it's not the same way it usually is, with the two of them basically melting into each other's touch. Not that Dean has studied their hug-development over the years or anything. Haha. Yeah. No. Anyway.

Cas is here! That's all that counts.

"Don't ever do that again", he says to Cas' neck, not caring that some of his previous worry and anger seep into his voice. He tightens his hold one more time before letting go to look Cas in the eye. (Only to make sure he got the order, ok? Not to make sure he's fine. Definitely not to drown in the blue for a moment.)

"Alright." Cas agrees without hesitation, looking puzzled. "Do what?", he asks then and tilts his head, making Dean huff. (Exasperated, not fond. Yep.)

"Just wander off to God knows where!", he says, lifting his hands for that bit of dramatic flavour. "I came home and you were gone, Cas. No call, no text, no note, I didn't know where you were or if something had happened-"

Cas squints his eyes together, head still tilted like that, and the sight makes the words get stuck in his throat. He breaks off, just keeps looking at Cas, breathes.

"You were worried", the angel states. It's not a question, but it's strained with surprise, and the fact that Cas just says it like that, says it out loud, calls him out like that even though it surely must have been obvious-

"Yeah", he says, caught off guard, "I- I mean...yeah, I was."

Cas' eyes go impossibly soft at that, a little smile at the corner of his mouth. How does he look happy and sad at the same time?

"I'm sorry, Dean. That was not my intention."

"I know." Dean swallows. This isn't good. This is far from safe territory. This runs risk to drift off into lovey dovey feely stuff he's not ready for. "Just forget it", he says dismissively. "What matters is that you're here", it slips before he can stop it, and Cas lowers his eyes and blushes, squirming on his feet in what seems like more than his usual shy embarrassment.

"Actually, there is..." He bites his bottom lip and Dean's breath catches in his throat. "Something...something did happen and I-"

"Hold on, what?" Dean snaps out of his trance and into hunter mode in less than a second. "Are you ok? What is it?"

"It doesn't have to do with me, Dean", Cas says soothingly, still unable to look at him, "I mean...yes, it does, but I'm fine."

"Then what?"

Cas presses his lips together, nervously wringing his hands in front of his chest.

"Cas, out with it. What the hell happened?"

"I lost the dog", Cas whispers so quietly Dean almost doesn't catch it.

"You what?"

"I lost the dog, Dean." Cas finally looks up at him and the wide eyes shining with held-back tears hit Dean like a wall of bricks. "I'm so so sorry", Cas hurries to say, his gaze flitting around in the room, hands gesturing wildly. "I told Sam to leave him here so he could have some time alone with Eileen and then when I let him outside, I...He was just suddenly gone, and I've been trying to find him, but I couldn't, and I'm so sorry, Dean, I know how much Miracle means to you and I should have looked after him and I-"

Cas trails off, pleading eyes finding Dean again, and the hunter doesn't even understand how such a huge wave of sympathy can roll over anyone. He feels a sting of worry about the dog underneath it, but it's drowned out for the moment, washed away by the fucking ton of relief and fondness and love he has for that angel who directs his own puppy eyes at him.

"Cas, hey." Dean lightly grips Cas' shoulder, a gesture that could be meant to ground Cas or himself. Maybe both. "Hey. Calm down", he says with a smile he hopes will be reassuring. "I'm sure he'll be fine, ok?"

Cas' eyes go even wider if that's possible, eyebrows shooting up.

"You're not angry with me?"

Oh, that stupid, adorable son of a bitch.

"No, I'm not angry." He squeezes Cas' shoulder and the angel attempts a wavy smile that makes Dean's insides melt just a little bit. He clears his throat and lets his hand fall back to his side. "Look, here's what we're gonna do. We'll go out together and you show me all the places you looked for him. I'm sure we're gonna find him."

"Okay." Cas nods, smiles again. "Thank you, Dean."

"Sure. Come on."

~oOo~

"Miracle! Come here, boy!"

Dean's voice echoes over the lake as Cas follows him on the path he'd taken earlier that day.

"Come on, where are you, buddy? Miracle!"

"Perhaps he got lost", Cas suggests. "I already checked this route twice. Is there anywhere else you think he might go?"

"I dunno." Dean leans down, hands on his knees. "He could've gone anywhere. There's a lot of woods around here, man."

"I know." Cas' voice sounds as small as he feels. "This is my fault. I should have paid closer attention to him, Dean, I- If something happens to him...and it's already starting to get dark-"

"It's not your fault, Cas."

"Then whose it it?"

"Cas-"

"Brilliant", Cas beaks him off before he can defend him any further. "Now it's beginning to rain."

Indeed, the first drops have started to fall around them, making dull splashing sounds on the leaves and the ground. Of course, they're not especially dressed for that sort of weather and the veil of drops is quickly getting denser around them, disturbing the quiet surface of the lake.

Dean shivers beside him, wearing only his usual shirt and flannel, and without giving it a second thought, Cas shrugs out of his trenchcoat and wraps it around Dean's shoulders. The hunter looks at him from the side and opens his mouth, surely about to object, but the angel gets ahead of him.

"I'll be fine, Dean. My grace keeps me warm." He can already feel it bubbling up to the surface, making his bloodstream send warmth to every corner of his body. He closes his eyes and concentrates on the pleasant feeling for a second, lets himself get lost in the flowing of grace...

And then he feels it. It's quiet and gentle, dimmed and far away, but it's there. The presence of another being. Cas' eyes snap open.

"Dean. Dean, I think I found him."

"What?" Dean furrows his brow. "Miracle?"

"Yes." Cas focuses on the sensation as he speaks, tries to track it down. "I think I can feel him. My grace...wait." And there it is. "Are there some sort of...caves around here?"

"Yeah. Over there." Dean points his finger across the surface of water spreading out in front of them.

"That's it. Come on."

Cas basically drags Dean forward, following the direction he had pointed him to as well as the path his grace lays out for him.

"You sure?" Dean clutches at the fabric of the coat around his shoulders. Cas nods. He can feel it getting stronger and it's barely five minutes later that they can hear a faint whimper over the beat of the rain.

"Miracle?" There's a bark answering Dean, and then there he suddenly is, the long wet fur clinging to the dog's body, a little muddy but otherwise seemingly unharmed. "Hey, buddy", Dean smiles as he leans down to draw his hand through the dripping white mess. Cas smiles in relief. "Come on, let's get out of here."

The way back is long and wet and...yeah, mostly wet, but Cas barely notices. They found Miracle, Dean isn't angry with him and -a fact Cas only now comes to really appreciate with his mind free of worry- Dean is wearing his coat. It makes a wave of possessiveness roll over him, a bit like when Dean still had his handprint engraved on his shoulder, even though that had been kind of an accident. Or so Cas had told himself. Back, back when he'd still been an angel of the lord rather than an angel in love. Now he's not so sure anymore. Perhaps his heart had known something back then that his mind couldn't understand yet.

He's lost in thoughts until they reach the door, and far too soon he sees Dean shrugging out of the wet clothes. He pushes the coat back in Cas' hand with a grateful smile and aThanks, man, and Cas just nods, mind too blank to answer. He helps Dean towel off the dog before they both leave to change into something dry.

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

Something dry turns out to be a fresh shirt and a pair of sweatpants for each of them out of Dean's closet. Cas really needs to get more stuff of his own...or maybe not, Dean decides once the angel comes around the corner and steps into Dean's room. Not only is this like the epitome of casualness as opposed to the holy tax accountant look Cas pulls off so very well, the shirt leaves his arms uncovered. Yep, you heard correctly. Dean can see Cas' arms. Which means the guy is practically naked. And that wet, tousled sex hair doesn't really help, either.

Needless to say Dean likes Cas in his clothes. More needless to say Dean likes it a little too much.

He gulps and a shiver runs through his body. He hopes Cas didn't notice. Gladly, the angel seems to be as oblivious as ever.

"Would you like me to warm you up, Dean?" (Okay, maybe he'd seen the shiver after all.)

Dean blinks. He knows Cas didn't mean it like that, those innocent blue eyes have no idea how that just sounded, but it doesn't keep Dean from very not-innocent and very not-welcome ideas to form in his head. (Well, at least not welcome right now...)

"Y-Yeah", he mutters before his brain has caught up with his mouth. "Thanks, Cas."

The angel smiles and steps closer, close enough to put his fingers against his forehead. It's like a bolt of ice surging through his veins, but only for a second before it merges into warmth that spreads in his whole body. It's just like being healed, and Dean can barely suppress a pleased sigh. The feeling is there as well. The...grace (not Cas!) feeling. At first, he had thought being healed by an angel just sort of comes naturally with a fluttery feeling in your chest. Or that's what he told himself at least. Because for a long time, that's been the only time when Cas touched him. Just to heal him. So he could write it off, he could tell himself it's the angel mojo. All the while deep down he's known it's just...Cas.

The moment ends far too soon, but just as he thinks Cas is going to pull his hand away, there's a split second during which the angel hesitates, before swiftly drawing his fingers through Dean's hair. It's only then that he finally retreats, the slightest hint of a blush painting his cheeks as Dean stares at him. (Was is the cold? Dean's stare? The fact that he'd been caught? Caugh? Caught doing...what?)

"I just dried your hair", Cas tells him with a little shrug, but it's not the angel's shyness that has Dean gaping at him like an idiot. It's the familiarity of Cas' hand combing through his hair, the memory that hits him at that moment, the memory that he'd written off as fantasy, a construct of his imagination. He opens his mouth, but no words come out, watches as Cas squints his eyes at him, furrows his brow questioningly.

"What?"

"Cas?" Dean swallows around the sudden lump in his throat. "Cas...you...that night you... You were actually there, weren't you? The whole time."

He knows the answer before Cas has said a word, the way his face falls, goes blank and pale in the blink of an eye is confirmation enough.

"Yes", he says nevertheless, biting his lip, "I was. I'm sorry."

He's sorry. The night has been real, Cas has been there, and of all the things he could feel about it, he says he's sorry. Dean's chest contracts painfully and he clenches his hand into a fist.

"No, I- that's not what I-" Not what I meant. Not what I wanted to hear. What does he want to hear, though? "Cas...", he whispers, shocked by his own breathlessness. "Did you- I don't- I know we haven't...talked about that day and I-"

"That day...", Cas echoes, lets the words hang in the air, heavy with unspoken questions and uncertainty.

That day you stayed in my room, he could say.

"The day...the day Billie died", he hears himself say instead. He's not sure how he got the words out. He's not sure why he spoke them in the first place. He's not sure why he finally leads them here, to this place he has so skillfully avoided for months, this place that's lying full of traps for him to step into and be torn apart.

"Dean, if this is about what I said..." Cas' voice is quiet and cautious, guarded somehow. "Back then...with the- the Empty, and..." He trails off, sighs and closes his eyes for a moment. Dean can't take his own off the angel's face. He's fought demons and werewolves and vampires and creatures most humans can't even imagine, but he doesn't think his heart has ever been beating so fast in his chest, his whole body filled with an all-encompassing fear and longing for whatever Cas is going to say next.

"It's fine", is what he says, and Dean feels his heart drop into a hole of nothingness. "We don't have to talk about it. I understand that you don't wish to discuss it. And there's no need." Cas smiles compassionately. He fucking smiles. "It's...it's good the way it is."

Dean thinks the air has been sucked out of his lungs, out of the room, maybe out of the world.

"Oh."

It's good the way it is, Cas has said.
I didn't mean what I said then, Dean hears.

"Y-Yeah", he croaks out, mentally slaps himself out of this pathetic shock. He'd known. This doesn't come as a surprise. It shouldn't come as a surprise. "I- good. Yeah, sure."

When he suggests watching a movie together, the forced smile is painful. He doesn't sit a bit too close to Cas on the couch. He doesn't brush his hand over the popcorn.

In fact, he doesn't even bother making some.