okay, I actually had to cut this to make it two chapter because I felt it was getting too long, and I want to keep them short so it easy to read. I am sorry if it feels that I'm going back and forth with the story, but I want to have the insight and outside thoughts and ideas of what's going on so there are no doubts about what is going to happen and why had Inuyasha acting the way he had been. I also hope that this doesn't discurage anyone to keep on reading. I have a clear idea of where I want this story to go, and this chapters are just giving it shape.

I hope you like it, and reviews and comments are always welcomed!

Enjoy! =)

Chapter 9.

The new moon was coming and for the first time in what seemed like ages he could finally go back to the place where he had always felt the safer in those nights, Kagome's bedroom. Ever since she learnt how to erect barriers, which happened around the age when she was 8 (because she had been a prodigy child with her powers, Inuyasha though proudly), and had discovered how scare he was that some nasty, blood thirsty youkai would come to eat him when he was a weak human, she had made her task to protected him, she made him the promise to put up a barrier for him every night of the new moon. She had surprised both of their parents when she had stood to that promise that month and every month after that.

Sometimes she would come over to his house, others his mother would take him to hers and they would spend the night at the Higurashi shrine, at the beginning there would be also Miroku and Sango with them, once he felt comfortable enough to share his secret with his others friends, and Kagome had assured him that the more people he trust to stay with him the safer he would be, and he believed her, so they would all spend the night together and have a sort of a pijama party.

With time they little tradition became more about the two of them, and school homework and group projects gave them the reasons to have to spend those nights together, just the two of them. It was part of his routine, and a very special and important one to him (not that he would admit it out loud), this was partially the reason why he had opposed so vehemently against the idea of her leaving for a year to study abroad. She going meant that for a YEAR he would have to spend his weakest time alone, something he hadn't done in almost ten years.

He would have been okay with it if it was only one, even two nights; but she wanted him to accept twelve…twelve fucking moonless nights alone, after all the years she had made him get used to having her there. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, not even her, but part of the reason he had come in terms with his loss of powers had been the comforting knowledge that he wasn't alone, that he had her to protect him the only night where he was rendered useless, and in return he had promised to himself that he would protect her 24/7 the other 353 days of the year when he was the strongest of the two. Not that they had something to be afraid of, as they lived now in relative peace, but still...

Then that happened, exactly three days before her departure, and everything started to go downhill ever since…

He still remembered how it all had started. He was feeling like a jerk after fighting with her again over her trip. He knew how much she wished to live that experience. Live in a different place, with different people, away from all her responsibilities as a miko to her clan. He wanted that for her too, it was just that he wanted to be there with her when it happened. So after a day of thinking about it over and over again he decided that this was about her, not him, he was being childish and what was worst, he was hurting her with his attitude.

So he got up that morning ready to drop by her house and apologize. But as soon as he got up from bed he fell back again, his head spinning and hurting like hell. He didn't remember much after that, just bit and pieces of the few moments when he regain consciousness. He did remember the pain though, that agonizing pain that had crushed him for almost a whole month. That first moonless night the only moment when he was able to get his conscious back allowing him enough clarity to learn what was happening to him. Never in his life had he been grateful for being able to shut down his youkai senses. For the following couple of months that was the only moment when he felt like himself again, when he didn't felt the battle of his youkai blood trying to take over inside of him, and the only moment when there was enough space in his mind to think sodily about her, in other words the most lonely night for him.

He didn't want anything more than to go back to their previous routine once she got back, but he didn't trust himself around her and he had made a decision, one that he had to adhere to no matter what. So that first new moon after she come back, when she had asked him whether he wanted to come over or have her going to his place, he felt both wonderfully happy and devastated at the same time, she had asked, she was willing to keep everything the same, and he was happy to know that despite intentionally being an ass to her for the past year and a month she was willing to keep to her promise, meaning that she still cared about him.

But he knew better, he knew he could not allow himself any chances, so he died a little more when he had told her that he no longer needed her help.

-"I have Kikyo to make a barrier if I feel like I need one" he had told her "besides I'm not a pup anymore, I can stand for myself now, even without my powers", he saw the pain his words had caused her in her eyes, he saw how she had fought back the tears and had fake a smile to keep her façade

-"good. That's good to hear, Inuyasha. I'm happy that you have overcome your fears now" she had almost whispered at the end "I... well, if you still want someone to make you company then I'm…"

- "I don't need it" he had interrupted her "and you shouldn't feel obligated to offer just because of a promise you made when you were a child, Kagome." He had fired the final shot, one he knew would put an end to everything.

Because he knew it was no longer just her promise what kept her coming to keep him company that night, it was more than that, much more than that, this was them, and he reducing it to a simple act out of a promise was really low, he knew he would hurt her and more than anything else it would make her angry at him

-"you know that's not what I meant. I've never done anything out of duty with you…" she spat

-"yeah, right, you forget that you left me for a year. I grow out of the routine of having you around on those nights, now it's Kikyo I spend them with" more salt to the wound, he had hated himself then and had wanted to tear his tongue out from his mouth just to stop from lying. She had turned around then, not waiting to hear anything more, and all he had wanted to do then was to stop her and accept her offer, tell her that he had been alone all and every moonless night since she was gone and, if it wasn't her, then he will spend all the others by himself too, for the rest of his life, but he didn't, for the her sake he couldn't be selfish this time.

That was her last try to amend things. After that she too stopped talking to him, and as much as that killed him a little each day, he was grateful for it, because that was the only way in which he could protect her from his own impulses.

Oh, because he could feel it, whenever he saw her, the call on his blood for her. All the feelings he once thought he had for her, were now magnify, if he thought her scent was nice before now it killed him, it wasn't like anything he smelled before, it was sweet and utterly delicious, and made him want to cage her in his embrace and let his senses get drunk with it. And that, he realized, was bad, very, very bad, because the thoughts that came after that mental image were of him touching, licking and nipping her in places that no one had ever before, of her screaming his name once he got them to the peak of their pleasure, just to finally have her carrying his mark over her shoulder, proudly showing to the whole world to whom she belonged… and after the talk with his father he knew that was not an option for them, it never was, not if he wanted to make sure she would have a life to live.

Out of all the other talks he had received in those three months, that one was perhaps the only one he had really paid attention to, only because it concerned the person he cared for the most. He had heard the words perfect mate, one or twice before from his father, once when he was referring to his mother and the other time when he overheard him talking about it with Sesshoumaru.

Apparently it was kind of a big deal to full youkais, and Sesshoumaru had made it seem like it was something bad, as he said he was being forced into it by some stupid outside force that doesn't define his beliefs nor his personality. Inuyasha was then for once thankful of being just half youkai, because that meant he was free to choose whom to be with, with no other forces intervening on it besides his own feelings, and he was pretty damn sure who he wanted to be with.

So when his father started with now you would also need to find your perfect mate his world came crashing down all over again. He was already feeling bad for lying to her for the past two months then, acting as if he was still mad at her for leaving, just so not to let her know what was happening and don't get her worry; worrying himself over whether or not he would be able to gain control over himself before she came back so that he would not risk transforming near her and end up hurting her. After all there was a reason why his father had taken him up to the mountains far from everyone, and even his mother had forbidden to come see him until his transition was over, there was no saying when he would lost control over his youkai blood and would turn into full youkai, a very pissed off, lust for blood, destructive youkai. Now he would also have to worry about this perfect mate bullshit.

At the beginning he thought that no matter what, he had already made his decision, he being a complete freak of nature wouldn't have to change that, for once he should at least have what he wanted, and what he wanted was Kagome. He would ignore this perfect mate thing. If he didn't seek for it then it would not be in the way. He would marry Kagome, live his life for as long as he got to be with her and then... well there was no after it to be honest, he hadn't think about it yet.

His father started to tell him this and that about the mating ritual, matting bond, mating mark, blah, blah, blah… he knew that, he was not a pup, you have to fuck for it to happen, so what… oh yeah, he would very much like to do that with her, right? So, what if she wasn't the one his youkai blood wanted? It would not place a mark? He could live with that, after all he never really thought he would have the ability to do that, though, he had always thought his father's mark on her mother's shoulder was cool, special even, he would like Kagome to have his mark on her, one that shows the world who she had chosen as her life partner; and he also thought that the bond his parents shared was cool too, he didn't understand it honestly, but it seem to save them lots of troubles, especially when her mother was so pissed with his father that she didn't even want to talk to him, it seemed that thanks to that bond his father was always able to discover what he had done wrong and fix it without her being the one to tell him.

He could use that as well with Kagome, the heavens knew that woman could get really crazy sometimes, especially during those days. Knowing what was going on in her head, even if just through her feelings, was really appealing. But if having that connection meant he would not be with her then he could live without it. Although that also meant that Kagome wouldn't have to die before him, it meant that he could give her part of his life… he would also love to be able to do that… he would give everything he had, all he was, if in exchange he could have her for all his life… maybe he could try… making her his mate, I mean…. Nothing wrong could come by just trying… right? If she was not the one then nothing would happen but if she was… he would have her, all benefits included.

But then his father had said something that snapped all thoughts out of his head -"But history has also showed us what happens when a youkai force this bond upon someone that it is not their perfect mate…" he began and he felt like he didn't really want to hear what was coming after that.

- "… it was discovered that not of all the humans were able to bear such claim, some of them died in the mating ritual, consumed by the pressure of the youki…" okay, that was fucked, Kagome could die? If he try to take her, he could kill her? He had forgotten the problem with his youki, he had always felt worried that he could hurt her in some way because of it, with her being a miko and all that, but she had assured him time and time again that she was fine, that his youki didn't harm her, none actually did, she had told him that it felt more like a pressure that put her senses on alert in case of danger, but nothing more. But, what had his father said? Infused in them? Was his youki going to go inside of her? Wouldn't that be bad, I mean, she was a miko, her sacred powers would fight that intrusion, right? She could end up killing herself by trying to purify his youki inside of her…?

-"…The others that were lucky to survive were condemned to live a life sharing a shallow bond with their mate…" wait what? Did he said condemned? Wasn't it good that at least they were alive? What could be worst than dying?

-"…aging and finally dying before their youkai mate." Well that defeated the purpose of even trying to create a bond right? But still it couldn't be worse than dying consumed by your lover's youki…

-"We also discovered that in this cases the humans couldn't produce an heir, neither could their leaved their mate to share their life with another human…" Oh gosh, this was getting better and better…wasn't it?

-"…The worst of this was the knowing that it was a union not meant to be, and the human mate usually end up dying a few years latter consume by the depressing fillings of being forced into that bond…" okay, that wasn't something he wished for Kagome, and all that talk for what? The same outcome, the human always dies! Just a little later and not consume by their lover's youki but by sorrow! He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he force that onto her, he would kill himself before having Kagome seeing him with resentment and sorrow. He couldn't do that to her. He would. Not. Do. That. To. Her. Never.

To make things worse his father had tried to sweet talk him into it, telling him that he didn't have to worry, that his instincts would guide him, he only had to listen, and when he asked if there was a way to know for sure he shrugged it off saying that sadly there wasn't a way to know until you have claimed them, and again went with the shit that "your instincts would tell you, there are never wrong" how could he act so casually about this? They were talking about a life and death situation here! He remember feeling really, really angry at his father, but more than that he was angry at himself, angry with was he was, and with all this transition shit.

- "There is no way I would risk doing something like that to anyone" he had said "we both know that my instincts are nowhere near where they should be, I'm just a half after all, how can I trust them?" he had complained "even if I think I'm sure of my decision I may just end up killing her in the process because my youki is too much even for me to handle. I'm not about to risk the life of another trying to do that" there was no way in hell he would, not to Kagome.

–"you are jumping to conclusions to fast, son, you have yet to experience it. I can assure you that when it happens you won't have the will to stop it, that's how alluring having a mate is for us. We are not designed to be alone." How could he? Just because it worked for him It didn't mean that it would work out for him as well, wasn't his unexpected transition proof enough of how mess up his merely existence was?

–"just watch me, I won't give in to those stupid instincts. I may not even have a mate, after all I was not supposed to go through all this to start with…" and it was true, he did believed that, even now that things were somehow working out. He still stood for his promise to not give in to his instincts. He would not do anything stupid that risk her life.

So here there were almost two years since then, and he had managed to keep up his promise, but thanks to that he not only had hurt himself but her as well, and after all those months hurting in silence and watching her feeling sad because of it, he decided that it was time for a change, to find another way in which he could keep her safe and make them both happy at the same time. Thankfully he had gotten his answer without actually putting his mind to it. Though, he kind of felt bad for the actual circumstances that had brought them together again.

Now it had been almost a month since they had made peace with each other and he had been managing things just fine, zero accidents up until now (that didn't include the biting thing, which he still have to get control over, although, it didn't happen that often now he was trying his best to stop it, and, for strange as it was, Kagome wasn't showing any sings to be bother by it). He was now pretty much sure that he was in control of his blood, and not the other way around, the urge that he had felt to jump her almost completely gone… almost... Absently he thought that it was probably because of Kagome's powers, they always seem to help keep him in check. Her aura as calming as her scent.

Kagome was doing better too, she had decided to go back to school and resume her normal routine the second week after everything happened, with was just perfect for him. Little by little she was healing and so did her family and he felt relieved to see their progress. He still hadn't told her about her father, though. Which was something that had been bothering him since the moment Yoshino and his father had put a stop to the search, after almost two weeks of unproductive efforts.

That didn't mean that they had given up, the police had been ordered to keep the case open until something came up, it was just the external help the one that had been called off, and for that Inuyasha was only partially disappointed, because it meant that he had to give up on his opportunity to tear the bastard that hurt Kagome into pieces, but on the other hand he had now more time to be with her without having to lied about where he had been the rest of the time. Though, it also meant that there was so much he could do now to avoid his father. He had been managing to postpone the talk with him for almost a month now, with excuses that he needed to catch up with the work at school that he had left unattended while running in the forest, lying to him saying that he was working on homework at Miroku's the time when he was not at school and pretending to stay there when in reality he was with Kagome.

It had worked up until now, but he knew by the expression of his father's face, that it would not last that much. He was running out of time and excuses. Part of him knew that the only reason his father had let it be for so long was that he himself had full hands dealing with the board and all the processes regarding the succession for the new Higurashi's leader and trying to keep the secret of the real reasons of the former leader's death while trying to solve it at the same time. Even so, he would try to avoid it for as long as he could, at least for another day.

Tonight was going to be the night of the new moon, and he was really looking forward to spend it with Kagome, for once without any worries, or second thoughts of whether it was good or not allowing himself to be with her. After all if there was a safest moment for them to be together it was that night, with him being a simple human, and everything in him that put her in danger being shut down for a while.

Right now, he was in kagome's living room, waiting for her to finish getting ready for school, after pretending to come from his house to get her, acting like he hadn't been there since the previous night so to avoid any problems. After a quick breakfast with the rest of the family, there were now on his car on their way to school.

-"So…tonight" Kagome started.

–"what about it?" he asked turning just a little to let her know that he was paying attention to her.

–"is the new moon…" she let her sentence hanging again

–"so it is…" he said acting like if he didn't know what she wanted to get at

–"yeah… have you already made plans with…her…?" she asked reluctantly, and he had to turn all the way to face her, one perfect eyebrow raised quizzically.

–"Her?" he had to ask

–"you know… her…" she didn't want to say her name, the day was too good to ruin it like that. "you told me that you spend your moonless night with her, will you do that same this time?" he couldn't stop it, his mouth hung open forming an o once he understood what she was referring to, he and his stupid lies, bet that had been bothering her for a long time now. He could not allow that misunderstanding to continue, even if he had been the one to cause it in the first place.

–"I thought you knew me better than that, Kagome." He complained with fake disappointment

–"excuse me?" she said now seated with her back on the door so to face him completely

–"what you heard. Aren't you supposed to know by now when I'm lying? Thought you said you could read me like a book?"

–"sorry, it seems that I have lost some of my abilities here… not that you can blame me for it, you are the one who have changed a lot and…"she suddenly stopped, not waiting to say something that ruined what they have accomplished so far, that didn't mean he didn't know exactly what she was getting at, he had been an idiot… "What is that supposed to mean, anyways? … No, don't answer that. Just tell me, do you or do you not?" she pressed.

–"I don't, Kagome." He said and turned just in time to see a small smile form in her face, with his free hand he reached for hers intertwining his fingers with hers and brought it to his lips pressing a kiss to her knuckles before he confessed "I've never spent one of those nights with her, I've never spent a night with her for that matter. I have been by myself the past new moons. All and every single one of them since you were gone." He said looking her in the eye taking advantage of the red light they had stopped at. She squeezed the hand that still hold hers and the look on her face turned sad

–"I'm sorry, I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I shouldn't have gone, or at least I should have come back sooner…" she said apologetically

–"you don't have to be, you deserved it, and is not as if you actually knew what was happening. I made sure that nobody told you anything because I wanted you to live that experience to the fullest, without having to worry over something you could have done nothing about."

–"still. If I had stayed then, you and she wouldn't have grown so close. It should have been me."

They were now at the school's parking lot, Inuyasha took his time parking while he organized his thoughts, he knew they would had this conversation sooner or later, he was actually surprised that it took that long for it to happen. He needed to convey to her his feeling about this, and he needed to do it right.

–"listen" he started with a sigh "even if you would have stayed here, it wouldn't have changed a thing. It would have still been her… hey look at me…" he asked when she turned her face to see out through the window, obviously misunderstanding his words, when she didn't turn he reached for her face placing both of his hands on her checks to make her look at him –"It would have been her because I rather risk her life, I rather risk the life of any other person but yours. I wasn't me then, Kagome. I lost control and ripped anything that I had in front on me until they subdued me. I didn't recognize anyone, not even my own mother. There was a reason why my father took me up to the mountains. It wasn't nice, and I wouldn't had wanted you there to see me like that even if you hadn't left. In fact, in those months all I could think of was how grateful I was because you were gone, even if that ripped me apart, because that way I couldn't to hurt you." In the middle of his explanation she had let loose all the tears she had been holding back, and by the end of it she had threw herself to his chest looking her arms around his neck.

–"I'm sorry, Inuyasha" she kept repeating against his neck "I'm sorry you had to go through this, sorry you had to live it alone."

–"sssh, you don't have to be sorry, there is nothing to be done about it. So stop crying, would you?" he asked her cleaning the tears from her face with his thumbs. "Besides, if you're really sorry you can make up to me now."

–"I will, I promise" she said cleaning her face with her hands.

–"good. You can start with it tonight." She nodded and somehow smile at that. He was happy to have confessed at least one of the many lies he had told her in the past months, it felt nice come clear with her again.

–"you haven't told me about what actually happened…"he her whispered sometime later on their way to classes. "During those months I mean… I have only gotten bit and pieces from the others, but none of them know really what happen either… I would like… I would like to know… if you want to share it with me…" did he want that? Did he want her to share the weight of those horrible months with him? When he didn't answer she continued "I don't want you to think that I think or feel different about you because of it. And I don't like not knowing what happen. And you can call me an idiot or whatever but, I don't like that she shares that with you…it kind of give her some advantage with you over me, and…sorry…I being stupid, right?" she stop midway looking ashamed for what she had said. He didn't know how to feel about her sudden revelation.

–"are you jealous of her?" he let the question slip from his mouth "I assure you, there is nothing to be jealous about, Kagome. You are better not knowing that side of me, I assure you." She turned to see him with that look in her eyes that he knew all too well, the one she got when she was mad at him for bad mouthing himself.

–"there is no side of you that I could possibly hate." she said, her tone serious. "And of course I'm jealous! Whatever happened in those months, made you changed your mind about her and you end up choosing her over me! Do you have any idea how wronged I've been feeling because of that?" she suddenly screamed. Against his best judgment, and in spite of feeling that he should in fact feel mad at her for this, he laughed, only her could managed to reduce such a big matter into something that ridiculous, from all the things she should be worried about she could only think of him picking her cousin over her "don't laugh! I know that I'm being ridiculous myself already, no need to embarrassing me more!" she complained.

–"I'm sorry. Really. I don't know why I'm surprise really, only you could come with something like this." He said hugging her, to make sure she didn't misunderstood his words. "I'll tell you, I promise. Once I feel ready. Though, I'm warning you, it's not pretty. And I rather have you ignoring all about it"

–"I want to know. No… in fact I need to know." she said hugging him back.

–"okay then. I tell you. But not now. Right now we have classes to get to." Satisfied with his answer she nodded and they resumed their walk to their classroom.

so... how was it? I hope everything is clear, and there are no doubts regarding his decition to be away from her. Sorry if it felt that I left it incomplete (I kind of feel it is), but as I mention it was getting too long. Good thing is that you won't have to wait too long for another chapter! probably tomorrow I post another one.

That was ot for today. I would really love to hear your comments. Bye!