Chapter 9: Hi my name is Clarke and I'm fucked up

The weekend came and went, and Lexa was now in her fifth period class of the day. It was the same class she shared with Clarke, but the blonde was nowhere to be seen. She decided she was going to break their weeklong silence and finally talk to the girl.

After their kiss she was a little bit embarrassed but now she wasn't, she knew her relationship was complicated, and she understood why she backed out. It didn't mean they couldn't be friends.

Of course, she only came to this conclusion after an online session with Dr. A who told her that sometimes having a friend beats having a girlfriend and she agreed. She started her sessions again not because anything was wrong but the day, she dreaded most was coming up and she needed the extra support.

After class she decided to sit with everyone at the lunch table again which didn't include Clarke because she hadn't seen her at all today.

"Where's blondie?" She heard her sister asks the others.

"She's not here today." Octavia said, from the looks of it there seemed to be more to the story.

"Is she ok?" Lexa asks

"She's fine, just taking a day off." Clearly Octavia knew something, but it wasn't Lexa place to pry, she just hoped the girl was ok.

"Hey Lexa, I heard you might be interested in a job." Raven said, pointing her fork at the girl.

"I've been looking for the last couple days mostly at restaurants and retail."

"Well you're search ends now; I have a job for you. Only if you want it."

"What is it?" Lexa asks.

"Well Anya told me your handy at fixing cars and the shop I work at is hiring. It's nothing crazy just some receptionist work like greeting people let them know prices. But Sinclair is cool he'll probably let you assist with fixing the occasional car."

"That sounds better waiting tables, where should I come to apply?"

"The job is yours, I put a word in for you." Raven winked.

"Thanks Raven, I really appreciate it!"

"You should be thanking me, I'm the one that told her you like fixing cars." Anya huffed.

"Babe shut it. Your very welcome Lexa."

Raven and Anya officially started seeing each other romantically, the two had immediately clicked and Lexa was happy for her big sister.

After school she rode with Raven to meet the owner of the shop she would be working at. It would be after school so she doesn't have to sign up for work release so that was nice.

"Welcome to Sinclair's auto shop! Most of us just call it the shop though."

"You never told me what you do here."

"Well I am a women of many talents Lexa." Raven smirked. "But mostly I fix and install Bluetooth systems, GSP's, pretty much anything on the technological side of things."

"Sounds cool." Lexa says as they walk through the shop.

She used to fix cars with her dad when they lived in Seattle and she really enjoyed it, so she was excited to be here.

"Sinclair this is my friend Lexa, I was telling you about her." A man no more than 40 turned around from the car he was fixing and greeted them, he seemed nice at first glance as he greeted them with a big smile.

"Right, Lexa it's nice to meet you. I've been trying to fill this position for a while, we don't get many new people around here."

"I'm really grateful for the opportunity so thank you for giving me a chance."

"It's no problem, just don't let me down kid."

"I won't." Lexa says seriously.

"Can you start Wednesday?" Sinclair asks, still fixing the car.

"Yes sir, I can."

"Good, I'll see you then. We'll fill out the proper papers and everything then."

"I'll be here." Lexa smiled.

"Come on, I'll take you home." Raven says. "Me and Anya are watching a movie tonight at your house wanna join?"

"An interrupt you romantic evening? No thanks." This was the first time she had been invited to hang out with the pair they wouldn't stop kissing each other so she went upstairs to her room.

"Your dad's joining us too so there will be no funny business, I can't speak for what could happen after the movie tho— "

"I'll stop you right there, I don't need to know."

"So, are you in?" Raven says ignoring the girls last comment.

"What are we watching?"

"It's come to my attention your sisters never seen Scott Pilgrim vs. The world, so I have to fix that."

"Scott what?" Lexa asks confusingly.

"You guys are unbelievable, me Clarke and O love that movie it's so great!"

"I guess we'll find out tonight then."

"Clarke we're going to be late." Abby yelled; for the last 15 minutes Clarke has been stalling.

"You could always leave without me." Clarke murmured. After everything that happened last night Clarke was now sporting stitches and a bandage on her hand.

The glass cut her pretty deep after she punched the mirror, so she had to go into her mother's office last night to get it fixed.

They didn't talk much after, but Clarke finally agreed to go to her appointment, even though she still wasn't thrilled about it.

"I promise it won't be so bad." Abby smiled. "Now let's go."

They arrived at the office far too quickly for Clarke's liking but unfortunately for her the town was small and everything was close together.

As they walked up to the door Clarke could feel the pit in her stomach growing more and more by the second. Almost as if she could sense it Abby grabbed her hand and squeezed it lightly.

"It'll be fine." She flashed a reassuring smile before opening the door.

The office was small but nice littered with mental health posters all over the walls which made Clarke want to crawl in a hole. She wasn't oblivious, she knew she had some issues, even some diagnosed ones but she didn't want to be here.

"Hi, you must be Abby." A man with tanned skin and short dark hair a greeted them. "We talked on the phone, but now that I see you, I think we've probably ran into each other at the hospital before."

"It's definitely possible I'm usually there running around somewhere." Abby laughed.

"Well it's nice to formally meet you. I'm Dr. Jackson, and you must be Clarke." Jackson smiled but Clarke didn't reply.

"You'll have to excuse her she isn't exactly thrilled to be here." Abby nudged her daughter.

"That's alright! How about we go and talk while your mother fills out some forms." Jackson motioned for Clarke to follow into his office.

"I'll be right out here Clarke." Abby said and Clarke nodded a reply.

The room was filled with only a brown leather couch and a Leather chair to match, there were some random accessories and a desk as well. Clarke noted how plain the room was compared to the waiting room before sitting down.

"So, Clarke I know your not to thrilled to be here but even though Psychotherapy can seem daunting when given a chance it can be a really effective way of treatment. I know you were diagnosed with Depression about 6 months ago, can you tell me what you were feeling leading up to your diagnosis?"

Clarke didn't want to talk about it; she didn't want to be here and even the idea of not saying anything crossed her mind but that would only make things worse. Even though she knew she needed to be here but talking about this never made her feel better.

"Before I got diagnosed, I was struggling with a lot of different things I guess." Clarke mumbled.

"Can you tell me about those things?"

"I guess just dealing with a lot of stress about school and relationships, I was running for class president for the next school term so there was a lot of pressure. There would be days where I felt… hopeless is the only way I could describe it, there were days where that feeling would last."

"When did you finally decide you needed to see someone about this?"

"I really wouldn't say I decided it was more of my parent's decision." Clarke sighed, leaning farther into the couch. "There were a couple days where I wasn't sleeping well, and my mood was just... I don't even know how to describe it. I remember being on spring break and I didn't even want to talk to anyone. I pretty much locked myself in a room for a week and I think that's when they knew something more was happening." Clarke thought back to that time, about how her parents kept trying to talk to her, about how she would ignore all of Octavia calls and when she finally did talk to them she told them she was just having problems with Luna, which wasn't the case at that time.

"Did feeling those things scare you?"

"It was… hard because I couldn't understand why I was feeling them. I've always struggled with trying to control my anger and now it felt like I couldn't control any of my emotions."

"Is your anger something you feel like you've gained control over since your diagnosis?"

Clarke tensed up at the question, she definitely didn't have control over her anger. If anything, it's spun out of control worse than before.

"How about we discuss something a little lighter." Jackson proposed clearly sensing Clarke's discomfort. "Do you have any hobbies or past times you feel help you relax when your angry?"

"I draw." Clarke admits.

"Drawing is good, it's always good to have an artistic release for me I would say knitting helps."

"Really?" Clarke asked surprisingly which make Jackson laugh.

"I know I probably don't seem like the knitting type, but it keeps me calm and relaxed, so I enjoy it."

"I also do fight training, that helps with the anger a little." Clarke murmurs.

"I see you've got an injured hand is that from your training?"

Clarke looked down at her hand studying the bandages wrapped around it, she wished this were from training instead it was from her being stupid.

"No, I didn't get this from training." Clarke sighed. "I punched a mirror last night after my parents told I had to come here."

"Why do you think you reacted that way?"

"Because I was upset."

"Do you always harm yourself when your upset?"

"Sometimes." Clarke whispered.

"Does harming yourself make you feel better?"

"No, it just- it makes me feel something other than mad I guess."

"I know when you're in the moment that may seem like your only option, but I promise you Clarke it's not. You're already halfway there with your drawing and your training but we can find other methods that can help you control your anger as well."

"Ok."

"Perfect now let's take a step away in a different direction. Your mom tells me you are dealing with a breakup, do you want to talk about that for a second?"

"What exactly did my mom already tell you."

"The least information possible, I never ask for too much details. I know you have your doubts about being here Clarke but in the end, it is your choice of what you want to tell me while you're here."

"She didn't tell you about what happened a few months ago?"

"She did but I'm leaving that up to you to discuss."

"Maybe I'll talk about it but, - just not today."

"I'm okay with that, how about we start with your relationship. Can you tell me about it?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Whatever you're comfortable with sharing, did you guys have any issues?"

"In the beginning everything was perfect, we never had issues and if we did, we always worked them out. But after a few of months things took a turn and we were having more issues."

"Like what?"

"Well she started getting jealous over everything I did. She never wanted me to go out without her because she thought people would try to hit on me. She would always turn things back on me whenever she was feeling insecure and it was a lot to handle."

"Was she ever harmful to you?"

"If you mean physically then no."

"Sometimes emotional abuse can be just as severe, when you say she would turn situations back to you can you give me an example?"

"Like if she was jealous over other people looking at me, she would say it was my fault for wearing revealing clothes and try to make me feel bad."

"And did it?"

"It made me feel insecure in my body definitely, but it also made me mad and confused because I didn't know how to make her feel like she didn't need to be jealous."

"Did you ever stop doing certain things out of fear she would get upset?"

"In the beginning I did, I would have most of my skin covered and I wouldn't go anywhere she didn't want me to. But then there was one day I did go somewhere she didn't want me to, and she decided to do something that ruined us forever."

"And what was that?"

"She cheated on me and the person she did it with told the whole school. When I heard the rumor, I confronted Luna and she said it was a lie and that she just gave her a ride one night."

"Did you believe she was telling you the truth?"

"I didn't know what to believe so I ignored it completely. I told Luna I believed her, and we dated a month after that before we broke up. She would always reassure me that the girl was lying to spite me but deep down I knew that wasn't the case"

"When you say you ignored it do you think you were trying to convince yourself it wasn't true?"

"I thought it would be easier if I believed her, but I was clearly wrong."

"After the breakup did you two cut off all communication?"

"Not exactly, we started hooking up which made things worse I think."

"Worse how?"

"There was a lot of pettiness and back and forth. We would always try to make each other jealous and she did that by using the girl she cheated with."

"What kind of things did you do that you knew would make her jealous?"

"I did what I knew she hated like wearing relieving clothes and talking to other people at parties or school."

"Reflecting back on it now, do you think you were trying to make her jealous, or was it an attempt to make her feel the way you did when she cheated on you?"

"I wanted her to feel bad, as bad as she made me feel, I guess. I wanted her to cry the way I did for months but in the end, it never made me feel better. And I hated myself for trying to stoop to her level."

"Sometimes we view revenge as tipping the scales so that they're even, it's easier to view getting even as the only option when you don't want to walk away from an unhealthy situation.

"I tried to walk away; I wasn't strong enough."

"I think you are strong enough Clarke, it's just up to you to believe that. You can't get stronger by hiding things though, there are somethings where the tough choice is your only choice and you have to take it. Whether that's a breakup or a life choice or just picking a school to go to. In the end only you can choose how you want to live your life. The easy isn't always the best way, facing our problems head on and working through them is more effective."

"So, do you think what I did a few months ago was taking the easy way out?" Clarke asks, fiddling with her bandage.

"I think maybe you thought it was." Jackson replies.

"Well I wasn't going to do it." Clarke mutters. "I know what it looks like, but I wasn't."

"Is this something you're ready to discuss with me?"

"I don't know."

"Then maybe this is a good place for us to stop for the day, I want you to think about that situation. The feelings and actions that led up to it and when ready we can talk about it, ok?"

"Ok."

"Now let's go talk to your mother and we'll sort your next appointment, if you still want to come back."

"I don't think I'll have much choice."

"Well you could've not talked to me today so maybe a part of you knows this could be good." Jackson smiled.

"Maybe."

When they reentered the waiting room Abby was waiting just like she said she would be.

"Abby I was just telling Clarke we'd discuss scheduling her next appointment, if possible, I'd love to see her tomorrow after school since our session was shorter today. After that we can find one day of the week that would suit her best."

"That sounds good." Abby replied, waiting for Clarke to groan or roll her eyes but it never came.

"Well then I'll see you tomorrow Clarke." Jackson smiled.

"Thank you, Dr. Jackson." Clarke replied before going to wait in the car. She would admit coming here wasn't as terrible as she thought it would be but talking about everything especially what happened a few months ago was something she hoped she'd never do. Not because she didn't want to move from it but because it scared the hell out of her knowing that it happened.

"Ready to go?" Abby asks, snapping Clarke out of her thoughts.

"Yes."

"So, this is based off a video game?" Lexa asks.

They were 30 minutes into Scott Pilgrim and so far, she was actually liking it, her dad on the other hand not so much.

"Yes, or maybe a comic book I'm not sure." Raven answered.

"Why exactly would someone name their band sex bob om?" Gustus asks seriously.

"Dad, someone is having video game style fights with his new girlfriends seven evil exes and that's your question?" Anya replies turning to look at the man.

"This movie is quite strange Raven." Gustus mumbles.

"Come on Gus, just wait for The Clash at Demon head to perform they're so much better." Raven responded.

After the movie Raven and Anya disappeared into her room and Gustus to bed leaving Lexa bored in her room.

It was getting late so if anything, she could just go to sleep if she got too bored but instead, she decided to reactivate her Instagram. After getting sober she decided social media wasn't something she needed. But alas that was a year ago and she kinda missed following her favorite celebrities' lives.

When she logged back in, she had a shit ton of notifications, some likes, some messages from her old friends and some follow requests one being from Clarke.

She clicked on her page and was instantly bombarded with pictures of the girl's artwork with the occasional selfie. The girl was extremely talented when it came to art and from the looks of her Instagram, she didn't stick to just one style.

Lexa accepted the follow and followed the girl back liking a few of her pictures in the process. In a last-minute attempt to see more pictures of the blonde she decided to look through her tagged photo's.

Most of them were her and Octavia with Raven added in the mix occasionally, scrolling down further she noticed a picture of her, and Luna covered in paint laughing as someone snapped the photo.

They looked extremely happy which is a far cry of how she's seen them interact, if anything it reminds her of how a good situation can go so wrong.

She didn't have much experience with love back in Seattle, mostly she only entertained the idea of random hookups. There were a few time's where she had a girlfriend, but it was never anything serious.

Honestly, she was almost convinced it wasn't possible for her to have love in her life, especially when her mom died. Nothing seemed possible after that, but she was slowly learning realizing maybe that's not the case.