I know it's late! I mean, it's actually late here, so it might even be morning for some of you. And we're back with Athelstan as he continues to work through these new feelings he's been having. And things don't go well at first. Eep.
I really wanted to show the progression of his changing feelings, since we never really get a good look at how he reacts to things in the show.
More notes are at the bottom.
Enjoy!
Conflicted
Not five days later, more people than it seemed possible had come to fit inside the Great Hall, anxious to hear Earl Ragnar's announcement. Word had spread like wildfire, so to speak, and more food was prepared to accommodate the new arrivals. Gyda and Lilith were each given responsibilities from Aslaug to have everything be ready, and that left Athelstan to watch Ubbe and Hvitserk. It was an easy task for him to undertake, even if keeping the boys from being in the way became more difficult as more people arrived. Even as he did this, he remained in close proximity of Lilith and Gyda, always watching them even if they were busy helping their step-mother.
Nearly half the people who came were boys who were now the same age as Lilith and Gyda, and also men who were close to Athelstan's age. They all filtered into the Great Hall with expectations in their eyes, and it was all to clear what they thought the announcement would be. Athelstan never heard any of their whispers, but he saw them all looking at him and then looking at Lilith and Gyda. He knew it didn't matter what any of them thought, but it still bothered him.
With it being January, and with winter settling in around them more every day, the midday snows were getting worse. Athelstan knew many of the people staying the Great Hall would not be leaving any time soon, and though he couldn't admit it to anyone, that bothered him most of all.
The day came when everyone was gathered, and the food was freely given to anyone who needed it. Aslaug nudged Athelstan away from the long house when she saw how much he wanted to go to the Great Hall where Ragnar was waiting.
"You go on," she said to him as she rubbed her growing belly. "I must find Ubbe and Hvitserk, but you should go. I know Gyda and Lilith are already over there."
Athelstan sighed softly, absently laying his hand over her belly, and she lay her hand over his. "Are you sure you don't want me to help you look for Ubbe? He does like to wander through the market even when it's snowing."
Aslaug smiled a little. "Then that is where I will look first. Go on," she nodded. "We will be along shortly."
He bowed his head after a minute, pulling his cloak over his shoulders and turning to leave the long house. He stepped across the way to the Great Hall, finding it already filled to the brim and looking around for a place to sit. He spotted Gyda talking to a tall, blond boy who's hair was nearly as long as hers. The boy was handsome from what Athelstan saw, and when Gyda spotted him, she lifted her cup to him with a smile on her face.
Before he could find Lilith, Torstein stood up from his stool next to the fire, two cups and a pitcher of ale in his hands.
"Priest!" he shouted happily. "Come sit with me. We will have a front row seat to Earl Ragnar's announcement."
It was easy to find a bench next to Torstein, taking the cup given to him and taking a good swig of ale before he looked around for Lilith again. Though he couldn't see above the heads preventing him from seeing far, he saw her the instant she appeared almost out of nowhere, glowing how she usually did now. She saw him looking at her and smiled as she bowed her head. Athelstan felt the grin on his face before he looked at Torstein and noticed how his friend was doing the same thing.
"Oh, no, my friend," Torstein said and bowed his head almost in sorrow.
"What?" Athelstan asked.
Torstein shook his head. "If you don't already know, then I cannot help you, Priest." He laughed softly and changed the subject easily. "So Ragnar thinks you're nearly ready to go back to England. It's sure to be a strange and interesting journey with you there."
Athelstan laughed himself. "That's what I told him. He said he's having a new ax forged for me, and it should be ready soon."
"An ax?" Torstein questioned. Athelstan nodded obviously. "Not a sword?"
Athelstan shook his head. "I did not want a sword," he declared. "And Ragnar agreed. I'm much better at an ax than I am with a sword, and it's a better weapon in battle because — "
"Why?" Torstein teased.
"It has better range!" Athelstan exclaimed.
Torstein chuckled loudly, shaking his head as he disagreed.
The doors to the Great Hall burst open again, allowing in new occupants who turned out to be Helga and Floki. Many people in the Hall greeted them warmly, raising their cups and laughing. Torstein jumped to his feet the minute they were close, embracing Floki like the old friend he was.
"It's so good to see you, Floki," Torstein gushed. "Helga!"
"You're standing the way of the fire again, Torstein," Floki complained. "As usual."
Helga and Torstein embraced while Floki poured himself a drink and then looked in Athelstan's direction.
"Hello, Priest!" Floki said in a not so sarcastic tone
"You know I'm not a Priest anymore,"Athelstan taunted back.
Torstein and Floki both almost lost their drink as they 'oohed' and 'awed,' obviously impressed with the words Athelstan had used.
Lilith appeared at his side literally a second later, materializing out of nothing as he looked up at her before she sat over his lap with a cup of her own. He laughed as he looked up at her.
"Why do you still say such things?" he taunted Floki as Helga sat on his other side and took his cup from him.
Lilith greeted her with her own cup, and Helga smiled her knowing smile, looking at Athelstan and then Lilith again.
Floki smirked over his cup, gazing around the Hall before he spoke to no one in particular. "So where is he?" he inquired. "Where is our Earl?"
By this time, Ragnar was already standing behind Floki with Ubbe in his arms, so when Torstein smiled, Athelstan did as well, looking up at Lilith again.
"Behind you," Torstein said to Floki.
The boat builder turned to face Ragnar, laughing as he drank. "Hey, Ubbe!"
The little boy laughed as he clutched his father's shoulders. "Hello, Floki."
Ragnar smiled as well, but his smile was the small kind he always made when he was only partially content. Athelstan knew he didn't like having all these people in the Great Hall even if he'd called them to be here. He would be happier once it was over, and he could eat, because that's what he really wanted.
"We've kind of missed you, Floki," Ragnar said after glancing at Lilith and Athelstan. "After you sent word about the boats, I thought you might come into town sooner."
Floki's eyes glinted over his cup. "Well, I wanted to keep busy, Ragnar," he insisted. "And I've been working like a dwarf, building the last boats for us to go west. Nothing could stop me, not even the ice or the snow. It was important work."
Ragnar rolled his eyes, looking at Ubbe and holding him closer. "So busy," he said sarcastically. "And yet he still has so much time to complain. He's not the only one, is he, Ubbe?"
The little boy shook his head even as he smiled.
"Well, that's why we're all here, are we not?" Floki asked where only they could hear him. "We're all anxious to hear where we will be raiding this summer. Aren't we, Torstein?"
"We are," Torstein confirmed. "Every year for the last four years, people have been wondering when you would order a new raid west, and every year, Ragnar, you disappoint them. They could not be more anxious than they are now."
Floki grinned mischievously. "I've even heard people say that Earl Ragnar is becoming like Earl Haraldson," he postulated.
Ragnar glanced at Athelstan, probably remembering what they'd spoken about the week before and grinning before he put Ubbe down to face Floki again. "Well, let me put their minds at ease then," he said and stepped up to the platform where Aslaug was now sitting with a small smile on her face.
"Welcome, Everyone!" he called over everyone in the Hall. "As many of you know, it has taken a long time to prepare ourselves. To build our ships, and to replace the young men we lost to the plague. But now? Now we are ready! And this summer, we will finally go west again!"
The Hall erupted in cheers and laughter and shouting, and Ragnar stepped down from the platform, moving through the crowd so everyone would see and hear him.
"We will return to England, for that land was so generous to us the last time," he said, and the people laughed. "But this time, we shall not go alone. For King Horik and Jarl Borg have agreed to join us on our journey. And perhaps, we will not have to return so quickly, but stay in their land for a while, explore it. Maybe even winter there. Who knows?"
He moved around to the other side of the fire where Siggy was standing, but he didn't address her directly, instead talking to another woman close to her. "But I tell you," he said, "these are interesting times. The world is changing, and we must change with it." Then he looked at Siggy. "We must act together," he determined. "For everyone's sake."
Ragnar stepped around to be at the platform again, smiling at the people who now all smiled at him. "And now that I have put your minds to rest, who is hungry?"
Cups were raised in agreement, and voices called out his name in reverence. Athelstan felt almost all the tension of the people around him fade, and he knew they would all be celebrating into the night with this news.
Lilith didn't move from his lap, extending her arm and calling for Ubbe, who came to her without hesitating. "Hello, Little Man," she greeted and lifted him to her knee. "Are you ready to eat?"
He nodded, and she looked Athelstan as he observed the two of them together. "What is it?" she asked him.
Athelstan shook his head. "Nothing," he assured her. "I just love seeing you with the boys. You're always so good with them."
She laughed softly, kissing his cheek like she always did now. "Well, I did have a good teacher. And I love these boys. Why would I not want to care for them as I do?"
He leaned up and kissed her cheek as well, allowing the scent on her skin to fill his senses in a way he never had before. Probably half a minute passed before he leaned back and looked up at her. When she looked at him, he saw something different in her eyes for a split second before she shook her head at him.
"Do not get drunk tonight," she requested, but it came out more like a gentle demand. "This is a special occasion, but tomorrow, everything will be as it was yesterday. Still so much to do. Hmm?"
Athelstan nodded, agreeing. "I won't get drunk tonight. I promise."
She smiled victoriously, holding Ubbe closer before she stood up and left to go find her little brother something to eat.
Athelstan watched, absently biting his lip before he took a long swig of his ale and turned back to look at Helga and Torstein who were watching him closely.
"What?" he asked them.
Helga just smiled, rising with her own cup and moving to do the same thing Lilith was doing. Torstein just laughed, drinking all his ale and pouring himself more before he gestured for Athelstan to hand over his cup to do the same with it.
Despite Torstein's best efforts, Athelstan only drank a little more after that, preferring to eat so he wouldn't become inebriated. Aslaug bid some of her handmaidens to serve her so he could enjoy the festivities, but Athelstan really only seemed to find a few corners and observe the people around him. Gyda kept talking to the boy she'd been with before, drinking and laughing like she always did when she was happy. Lilith carried Ubbe around the hall, showing him the different foods prepared and allowing him to pick out what he wanted, also doing the same for herself. Many of the men around them also watched her, but she remained oblivious, which suddenly felt like a blessing in disguise. Ragnar also caught the eye of one of the female servants, obviously flirting with her even if he was sitting next to his wife.
That exchange was nothing short of what Athelstan expected, and it didn't look like Aslaug was happy about it either. Athelstan thought maybe it would be a good idea for him to intervene, but he decided against it, finding a table away from the main crowd and sitting with his cup.
"There you are," Lilith exclaimed, sitting across from him with Ubbe still in her arms but also with Gyda and the boy beside her. "Athelstan, this is Gunnar. He is Gyda's . . . boyfriend," she said and laughed.
Gyda glared at her sister but then looked at Athelstan. "He is more than that, Lili," she chided. She held out her arm and showed Athelstan the golden bracelet she wore. "He gave this to me. Isn't it beautiful?"
Athelstan took Gyda's hand, admiring the bracelet and its jewels before he smiled. "It is very beautiful, Gyda. You have a good eye, Gunnar," he said and reached for the boy's hand.
Gunnar didn't reciprocate immediately, but Gyda jabbed him with her elbow and he extended his hand to Athelstan. "Thank you," he said, and it sounded like he had to fight his instincts to do so.
"So," Athelstan said, "are you and Gyda together? Is that why you came today? To tell her father."
The boy blushed, glancing at Gyda and grinning slightly. "I came with my younger brother for him to receive his arm ring. Seeing Gyda was an unexpected pleasure."
Lilith snickered then, covering her mouth and getting another glare from Gyda. "I am sorry," she giggled, moving around to sit beside Athelstan with Ubbe still in her lap. "Gunnar is always saying things like that, and Gyda hates it when he does so."
Curiously, Athelstan leaned over the table with his hands folded together. "So how old is your brother, Gunnar?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could.
"He's nearly fourteen, but we have another brother and sister who are younger than we are. We only moved to town almost four years ago, so I used the money I had saved to give something nice to the Earl's daughters. My father said it would help us in the future."
Athelstan caught the plurality of Gunnar's words instantly, looking at Lilith as she watched with wide eyes. "You only said he gave Gyda a bracelet," he recalled. "You never said anything about him giving you anything."
She shrugged but didn't speak, hiding her face behind Ubbe's head.
"Well," Athelstan nearly demanded. "Did he give you something?"
Still, she said nothing, but after half a minute, she sat up and looked at him. "Yes, he gave me a necklace," she admitted. "But I have not worn it. And I told him that when he gave it to me. I did not ask him to give me anything, and I did not like having to tell him I did not plan to wear it."
"And why not?" he questioned a little too loudly.
She stared at him, silent even as she opened her mouth but couldn't speak. She didn't say anything else, rising quickly with Ubbe and leaving before anymore could be said.
The quiet between him and Gyda and Gunnar was awkward after that, and he couldn't look up because he didn't want to see Gyda's expression, so he stood up to leave.
"It was nice to meet you, Gunnar," he said as politely as he could and then leaving quickly.
The loudness of the gathering died down slowly as the sun set, and more ale was poured as the fires were replenished to keep the Great Hall warm. Aslaug carried Hvitserk across the way to the long house where it appeared Lilith had disappeared to with Ubbe. Gyda went with her step-mother, leaving the men to continue celebrating. Ragnar stayed in the Great Hall, again catching the attention of the same servant girl.
The games and antics increased as the ale continued, and Athelstan began to forget his promise to Lilith, almost feeling drunk as he also tried to forget his behavior from before. Again, he had reacted in such a way he didn't understand. It shouldn't have mattered if someone else gave Lilith a gift. He'd been doing it all her life. What difference did it make for someone else to do it?
After Aslaug came to collect her own drunk husband, Athelstan put his cup away and left the fire, sitting off by himself to try and clear his head.
Not even when the monks at the monastery had given things to Lilith had Athelstan ever felt this way. He hadn't felt this way when Leif had given Lilith anything. He hadn't even felt this way when Ragnar had lavished gifts on her the first year of his earldom. Why did it matter now that other boys were giving Lilith gifts? If she only accepted them and never allowed more than that to occur, why did it make Athelstan feel like this? He had nothing to compare these feelings to, so what was he supposed to do to resolve them?
Instead of sleeping in the back of the long house where everyone else did, Athelstan found a chair and sat in front of the fire, only resting his eyes for a few hours because he found he couldn't sleep at all. It was dawn before he realized, and he set out all the parchment he needed for Ubbe's reading lesson. He also found a book for Gyda to read to Hvitserk while they waited for breakfast to be ready. Lilith usually helped him with Ubbe's lessons, so he didn't exactly know what to have ready for her, if she would even talk to him.
Aslaug was the first one up, carrying Hvitserk as Ubbe tugged her along. She smiled when she saw Athelstan with his quill. "You're up early," she said and let Ubbe run to him.
Athelstan caught the little boy before he spoke. "I had trouble sleeping," he admitted. "I decided to get an early start, since there were so many people in the Great Hall still."
She sat at his side, keeping Hvitserk in her lap. "Why did you have trouble sleeping?" she asked him.
He shrugged. "No reason. I guess the announcement has me anxious."
When she didn't reply, he looked at her, seeing the knowing look on her face. Athelstan sighed, putting his quill down.
"Athelstan," she said softly, taking his shoulder and shaking him gently. "I think I know anguish when I see it. And Lilith told me about what happened yesterday. Is that what's bothering you?"
He bowed his head. "I don't know what's wrong with me," he told her. "I did not mean to react the way that I did, but it seems I have no control over it anymore. Is she all right?"
"She is," Aslaug assured him. "She is resilient and understanding. But she was confused. I told her sometimes people do or say things, and they do not know the reasons behind them. Sometimes, the gods' will is difficult to know, but all we can do is trust them to do what is right. Perhaps they are trying to tell you something, Athelstan. And Lilith. And sometimes it takes time to understand what it is they are trying to say."
Athelstan only sighed, not disagreeing but still uncertain what he was meant to do with how he was feeling.
Ubbe looked up at Athelstan, grasping onto his hand. "I think the gods made you and Lili for each other," he announced, and Athelstan laughed softly.
Aslaug laughed as well, reaching out to caress her son's cheek. "And sometimes, it is the innocence of a child that allows you to see and hear exactly what you need to understand everything," she chuckled.
She looked up at Athelstan, seeing him still out of sorts and sighing softly. "For now, you will do what you were preparing yourself to do. And I will see about breakfast. This does not need to be a bad day. It can still be a good day. Hmm?"
He watched her stand up, and she tilted her head slightly before he nodded.
"Yes, Princess."
She smiled and left him with the boys, and with that, he decided to focus on what was in front of him. The rest would take care of itself.
When Gyda and Lilith emerged from the back of the long house, neither one of them said anything to Athelstan as they sat at the table with him and began filling their plates with food that had since been brought in by the servants. Athelstan didn't prompt either of them, keeping Ubbe and Hvitserk with him so they would eat as well. He found he wasn't very hungry at all.
By the time Ragnar came in to eat, stretching and yawning, Aslaug had already prepared his plate for him and was eating in front of the girls at Athelstan's side. It took him no time for him to notice how quiet it was.
"You would think the day after I make the biggest announcement we've had in years that my own children would have more to talk about," he commented. "At the very least about this boy that Gyda has found for herself. What is the matter?"
Athelstan lifted his eyes slowly, finding Ragnar to be looking at him, and when he glanced in Lilith and Gyda's direction, he expected them to say something. When they didn't, Aslaug spoke up.
"Nothing is the matter, Husband," she assured him. "It was a busy day for us all, and today is for recovering from that. As you well know. Even Ubbe and Hvitserk are tired."
Ragnar didn't take his eyes from Athelstan, eating his food and then looking at Gyda and Lilith. He didn't have a response for her words, so he offered none, taking a long gulp of his ale and looking at his plate.
Somehow, they managed to work through Ubbe and Hvitserk's lessons without any mishaps, which surprised Athelstan. Gyda helped Hvitserk with his reading, only glancing up at Athelstan as he sat with Ubbe and then glancing at Lilith as she wrote in her journal silently. She didn't look up or acknowledge either of them even when it seemed like she knew they were trying to get her attention. Finally, Gyda had enough, speaking to them both as she closed the book in front of her.
"All right, this is ridiculous, the both of you," she called over them. "It wasn't a big deal. You will eventually have to look at one another and speak to one another at some point. We all live in the same place."
Lilith stopped writing, sighing and lifting her head. She looked at Gyda, not speaking for half a minute before she looked at Athelstan. Almost immediately, he knew she was angry with him. He opened his mouth to speak, but she stopped him.
"We have been through this before, Athelstan," she reminded him. "Over the same thing, and for the same reasons. And if it happens again, we will talk about it. But right now, I don't believe I could say anything to you without feeling guilty afterward. Now, if you will both excuse me, I am busy."
She stood up before either of them could stop her, leaving the table and disappearing into the back where they usually had supper.
Athelstan could do nothing to hide his embarrassment, keeping his head down and then nudging Ubbe away so he could rise and leave. He didn't say anything to Gyda, stepping outside before he let out the breath he'd been holding in. The cold air almost took his breath away, but he didn't turn to go back inside. He couldn't even be in the same space with Lilith if she couldn't talk to him or even barely look at him, and that terrified him.
The sun came out as he sat just outside the doors to the long house, watching as people filtered in and out of the Great Hall. He was about to stand up when he saw Siggy approaching the Hall with Rollo, whom Athelstan hadn't actually laid eyes on in years. He watched them go inside the Hall, and then after a few minutes, Gyda came out with Ubbe and Hvitserk, followed by Lilith and Aslaug.
Athelstan noticed that Lilith was wearing her cloak, and he hurried to stop her.
"Lili, wait," he pleaded, and she turned to face him.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I don't know why I reacted like that. And it's not for the same reasons as before."
She sighed softly, glancing at Aslaug who squeezed her shoulder and then followed Gyda into the Great Hall. Once her step-mother was gone, she looked up at him.
"I'm sorry," he said again. "I didn't mean it. I don't know what's happening to me, and I didn't mean to take it out on you. I swear. Please."
He tried to take her hands in his, realizing she was carrying her journal, and instead of allowing him to do that, she clutched the book to her and lifted her other hand to his tunic, nearly gripping it in her fist.
"I don't know what is going on with you either," she said, and he sighed, bowing his head. "But you need to find out. Because I do not believe I can do this anymore. And that scares me. It scares me so much, Athelstan."
He lifted his hand to hers, trying again to hold on to her, but she stepped away before he could.
"I am going to Floki's," she said. "I need to speak to Helga."
"I'll come with you," he said, moving to follow her.
"No," she said and shook her head. "You should stay here and figure this out on your own. I cannot help you do that, Athelstan. You must do it for yourself. I will return for breakfast tomorrow."
She walked away without giving him a chance to say anything else, letting go of his hand and not looking back.
Athelstan wasn't sure how long he stood in the middle of the road between the long house and the Great Hall. It could have been minutes or hours. Gyda found him there and pulled him out of the way, taking him to the long house where Aslaug was keeping up with Ubbe and Hvitserk. She never spoke, sitting him down with the boys and pushing his parchments back in front of him and then sitting across from him to pick up her book back from that morning.
He didn't remember anything he showed Ubbe, nor anything he read to him. A plate of food was set down beside him sometime around noon, but he barely touched it. At least until his stomach made it known that he hadn't eaten since the day before, and he had to eat something. Ragnar wasn't anywhere to be seen, but Athelstan didn't know what he would say or how he would explain what was happening. For the first time in years, he had no one to talk to about this, and he didn't know what to do except what was asked of him.
The sun set earlier than it had the day before, but only because the clouds returned and a new snow fell, making it very clear that Lilith wouldn't be coming back that night. The Great Hall had finally cleared by the time Athelstan found his way there, discovering Ragnar there with Torstein.
He had hoped to speak to Ragnar alone, turning to leave when the man he needed to speak to saw him there.
"Athelstan," Ragnar called. "What is it?"
He turned back slowly. "It's nothing. I was hoping to speak to you alone, but it's all right. We can talk later."
He began to leave again when Ragnar spoke again.
"I know what is going on with you," he shouted across the Hall.
Athelstan stopped, keeping his head down and clenching his fists as tight as he could without hurting himself.
Ragnar stood up, moving across the Hall in only a few strides and arriving at Athelstan's side before he spoke again. "I should clarify a little," he said softly. He took Athelstan's shoulder, squeezing gently. "There is nothing wrong with you, my friend. At least not anything that can be cured by medicine or prayer. You are right saying we need to talk, but I am sensing that you are not ready to hear what I have to tell you. I know something has happened between you and Lilith, and I know you must understand this on your own. You simply need to ask yourself who you would be without her in your life, and when you know the answer, then we will be ready to talk. Hmm?"
Athelstan couldn't speak, staring at Ragnar slack jawed even as his friend grinned and draped his arm over his shoulders.
"Come," he said. "Come and drink with me and Torstein. You need a drink."
There was no other argument to give, and so he followed Ragnar back to where Torstein was already drinking deep into his cup.
That night, Athelstan slept in a bed by himself for what felt like the first time in nearly seven years. He'd done it many times since arriving here, of course, but he had never gone longer than a night or two before Lilith would climb into bed with him, mostly for warmth in the winter or because she couldn't sleep. When they had begun going to Floki's and spending the night in the smaller hut, he'd often fallen asleep with her in his arms, and after Aslaug had bid them all to sleep in pairs this past winter, he had begun slipping into bed after she had already been asleep.
For the first time in his life, Athelstan was alone, and he had no one to blame except himself. He didn't know what was wrong with him, and he didn't know how to fix the mess he'd made. He thought about what Ragnar had said, and he thought over it all night.
Who was he without Lilith?
Athelstan honestly didn't know. He'd been a child when he'd been placed in the monastery, barely five years old. Only two years had gone by when Lilith had also been left there, and from that day on, he had easily devoted himself to taking care of her. It was all he knew. He didn't know how to imagine his life with her, and he never wanted to. No one else had ever succeeded in separating him from her, and now all his words promising her that he would never hurt her came back to haunt him.
He thought of the last time he'd heard her really laugh and the last time he'd seen her smile, and it hadn't been at the feast the day before. It all just kind of blurred together until the only thing he knew was her smile and her laugh. And the way her eyes smiled when she was happy. The way her hair always seemed to come unbraided when she was training with Torstein. Even when she was disheveled and bandaged, she was beautiful.
There was nothing wrong with him. That was what Ragnar had said. And if there was nothing wrong with him, then why could he not understand why he was behaving this way? What was it he was supposed to see and know in order to understand?
Halfway through the night, while Athelstan lay there staring at the ceiling and not sleeping like he needed to, Ubbe climbed into bed with him, snuggling up against his chest and falling back to sleep without saying anything. He thought about how Lilith had carried her little brother around almost all day the day of the feast, and it made him happier than words could describe. She was so good with the boys now. Athelstan knew she would be a good mother some day.
He didn't sleep even after Ubbe climbed into his bed, but he turned that over in his head as well. If he felt that Lilith would be a good mother one day, did that mean he would be a good father? He'd never had to ask himself that before now, and he knew it was because she was in his life. Was that what it was? Was that all that mattered? He loved Lilith. Wasn't that enough?
Those words passed through Athelstan's head almost three times before he realized it was different than all the other times he'd thought it or even said it. It was different because he was different, and he saw her differently than he ever had. She wasn't only his anymore. She was her own now, and it made her even more astonishing than she'd ever been before. The way she spoke to him and the way she looked at him and the way she touched him. It was all different. He realized he had been doing it as well. Somehow, in the middle of all of this, it had just happened.
Athelstan loved Lilith. He realized he was in love with her. And he probably had been for a while now.
Had she seen? Was that why his behavior had upset her so much? She was so young and so innocent. Could she really have seen it? Did anyone else?
By morning, Athelstan knew what he wanted to say to Lilith the next time he saw her. But he would only speak to her if she spoke first. He wanted her to decide how this happened, and he hoped she would see that he was at least willing to accept whatever she decided to do. He owed her that much after the way he had behaved.
The mood was lighter at the breakfast table, even though Ubbe and Hvitserk were ready to eat before everyone was sat down. Gyda was about to go down to the water front where Floki had been working on the boats when Lilith came through the doors of the long house with Helga at her side. They sat at the table across from Athelstan and Gyda, both smiling as they greeted everyone.
"Good morning," Helga said in her usual cheerful voice. "Gyda. Athelstan. How are you?"
He bowed his head. "I am well. And you?"
"Oh, I am, and for the gods, I must thank them for the sun shining and a bountiful breakfast. If only Floki would take a break from his building, he would agree with me. We should all thank the gods for this beautiful day."
"We should," he agreed, glancing at Lilith and seeing the anger on her face gone. She looked like she had slept, which was more than he could say for himself. She glanced at him, but it was too soon to see if she was ready to speak to him. So he would wait.
Helga left after breakfast, saying she was helping Floki to make the sails for the new boats. Athelstan thought Lilith would go with her, but when she stayed, it gave him hope that things would regain some semblance of normal soon.
Gyda helped with the reading that morning, and Ubbe demanded most of Athelstan's attention with his new writing lessons. Lilith did as she had done the day before, writing in her journal, but today, whenever Ubbe asked her to show him a shape or a name, she did so with a little smile on her face. Hvitserk also called to her from the book Gyda read to him, touching her cheek and smiling at her.
"I missed you, Lili."
She took his hand in hers and kissed it gently. "I missed you too, Hvitserk."
It was quiet for several minutes after that until Lilith stood up from Gyda's side with her journal. Athelstan thought she was leaving again, sighing heavily and looking down at his hands that he realized were now trembling. There was no way to hide his surprise when she sat down next to him and opened her journal to show it to him.
"Helga and I discovered a new plant on the hillside yesterday," she said as normally as she ever had. "Can I show you?"
He stammered on for a couple of seconds before he nodded. "Of course," he said.
She smiled and laid the book on the table, flipping the pages slowly until she came to what she wanted to show him. He watched her as she did so, understanding and smiling to himself.
For the next few weeks, it felt like everything went back to normal, or at least as normal as it could be with more men and boys coming the Great Hall to speak to Ragnar about this problem or that problem. It was all done away from the long house where everyone else lived and did their lessons and began making clothes and armor to accompany the men who would go on the raid to England. Lilith spent many mornings at the loom with Gyda and Aslaug, leaving Athelstan to oversee Ubbe and Hvitserk in their reading and writing.
Ragnar never had any news to tell them at the end of the day when he returned to the long house. He did a great deal of staring in Lilith's direction, as well as Gyda's, but no words were ever spoken. It was a little strange. Athelstan thought about asking what was happening more than a dozen times, but he could never think of the words. So he said nothing.
It began to warm up slowly, and that meant it was time to start training again. Instead of going off into the woods, Torstein began his lessons with Lilith where everyone else usually trained with their swords, axes and shields. For the first time, Athelstan had no qualms with this arrangement. Lilith was finally able to do nearly everything the men around her could do, and most of the women who trained were in awe of her. He didn't have to worry about anything happening to her, not even when she began going off on her own to fish at Floki's. He knew she would always be back the next day. And she was always happy to see him, so he never complained.
Ragnar became insistent on showing Athelstan to use a sword, and they started early every morning to do what they could since it would be summer soon.
"With a sword, you can incapacitate your opponent with one slice," Ragnar told him, doing just that but with a blunt sword they always used for practicing.
Athelstan gripped his new sword, blocking Ragnar's bow but not quick enough to stop the man from recovering and lunging forward with his sword in both hands. Athelstan stumbled backward, but he kept his footing, holding the hilt tighter.
"If you do it like that, you might not be able to stand when they're done with you. Keep your sword up," Ragnar commanded. "Watch."
His teacher moved so fast that Athelstan could barely keep up, but slowly, the knife throwing and the archery training seeped into his sword-fighting, and he could focus. Ragnar lunged again, parrying until he could almost hit Athelstan in the face, only for his blow to blocked by Athelstan's sword. The smile on Ragnar's face couldn't be denied.
"Very good," he laughed. "That is how you should do it. Perhaps those lessons with Torstein have not been a waste after all."
Athelstan laughed, gripping his sword tighter.
"You seem better now than you were before," Ragnar commented, hoping to distract him and failing as their blades kissed and sang in the morning air.
"Better?" Athelstan asked.
"Yes," Ragnar nodded. "Not so mopey, and not so lost. I must say, I like you better this way. It seems you have been able to work things out for yourself without needing to speak to me. Is that true?"
Athelstan blocked another blow, gripping the hilt tighter and making a swing of his own that nearly caught Ragnar's head. "It's true," he declared.
Ragnar smiled even as he pushed the blade from his face. "So you know yourself now, hmm?"
Athelstan nodded. "I do."
"Good," Ragnar said and "hmm'd", raising his sword and starting again.
After they had trained for another hour and were both out of breath from being in the hot sun, there was another matter for them to discuss, as it concerned someone they were both vested in the well-being of. It turned out not to be who Athelstan expected.
"I've had several men approach me in the last few weeks about this one," Ragnar said as they rested away from the others who still practiced with swords, axes and shields. "Surprisingly, many of them believed they would also need your permission to proceed with their request. Concerning the marriage of one of my daughters."
Curious, Athelstan leaned against the wall behind him. "Why would anyone think they need my permission to marry Gyda? She's your daughter, not mine."
Ragnar hesitated, thinking of the right words. "But she is not my only daughter," he said, adding, "in the eyes of the law, that is. You'll remember you brought me another daughter many years ago."
The curious grin on Athelstan's face fell instantly, and he turned his gaze off toward Floki's hut away from the port where Lilith still fished every few days by herself. He looked at Ragnar, and the older man confirmed his fears.
"Yes, my friend. I have several, what would you call them, suitors asking for her hand, and many of them believe they will need your permission to proceed."
Athelstan tried to feign ignorance. "Why would they think that? I'm not her father. I'm not even her brother."
"But you did grow with her. You brought her here and asked me to take her in, and I did that. She saved my own daughter's life, and for that, she will always have a place in my family. But they see you with her and think you still care for her. And while the custom is different, I am Earl. I would arrange it immediately if it were Gyda, but alas, it is not Gyda."
Nothing was said for another minute as Athelstan turned Ragnar's words over in his mind. Technically, Lilith was old enough to make her own decisions. She was nineteen, but she was still so innocent, despite everything she had been through as a child. Athelstan felt he had been making up for being so blind to what had happened to her at the monastery since they had come to Kattegat, and he didn't know if anyone else would understand her the way he did.
Ragnar reached out and took his shoulder, squeezing gently. "Do not worry, Athelstan. I see the way you look at her, and I see how she is around you. She loves Gyda, her brothers and this place, Aslaug and me because we are her family now as well. But you are her entire world. Even with your disagreements, I would not feel right giving her away to anyone but you. But it is your decision if that is what you want. You only have to speak it to me, and that will be the end of it."
Athelstan shook his head. "It's not that. I have watched her grow up since she was an infant. I feel like I am all she knows, and I couldn't rob her of experiencing something different. And at the same time, I — I couldn't live with myself if I never told her that all I want is to protect her from the world like I should have done when she was younger. It's complicated."
"Those are usually the best kinds of situations to find yourself in, my friend." Ragnar paused, glancing around before he spoke again. "It's not because of the priest thing, is it? If you are no longer a priest."
"Of course not," Athelstan assured him, bowing his head. Then he amended it to say, "Well, it's not completely that. I did take a vow of celibacy once. I struggle with what it would mean to break that vow for the sake of a girl I've known longer than I've had that vow. It's not like I was anticipating you showing up and changing our whole lives."
Ragnar smiled at that, obviously proud of his interference.
Athelstan knew he had watched him for the last several years, and it was obvious that at one point, the care he had afforded Lilith had turned into something deeper and something that had changed him for the better. He was less conflicted between Christianity and paganism, but some of his old habits still prevented him from moving forward.
"At least tell me you will speak with her," Ragnar urged. "This is a decision that cannot be made lightly, and if you so choose, I will support you both no matter what anyone says. But it would be best to decide this before King Horik arrives with his boats. Then we will all have something to celebrate before we leave."
Athelstan sighed heavily. "I'll talk to her," he agreed.
Ragnar nodded, still smiling.
It was a long walk to Floki's hut, and Athelstan debated with himself whether to go before it was dark. But the longer he waited, the more he knew he would eventually talk himself out of it. So he packed his cloak and some water before setting off toward the boatbuilder's home where he knew Lilith still fished as she usually did every few days.
The birds sang along the way, keeping Athelstan about his way, and he tried to remind himself that he wasn't going to Lilith to talk her into anything. He had to remind himself that he would simply tell her what Ragnar had told him, and he would let her decide what she wanted to do. He knew it wouldn't be easy seeing her face when she learned these things. He didn't know if she would be happy or sad. Would she be indifferent? Or would she look at him and ask him the one thing he was afraid she would — whether he thought she should marry someone else? Did he? He wasn't sure anymore.
As the gentle sound of the waves coming in reached his ears, he saw the stretch of beach and the little alcove before he saw Lilith standing where she usually did. Of course she was in the water like she always was, her hair soaking wet and her spear aimed at unsuspecting prey. No matter how many times Athelstan saw her this way, it never ceased to amaze him that she could always catch the fish without using a spear. She didn't really need a spear or even fishing line. But she never did that around anyone but him, not since she'd explained to him how she did it.
Helga saw him first as she dug clams from the sand, waving at him with her usual smile.
"Athelstan! How is training going?"
He waited until he was close enough to not shout. "Better than before. I just came to talk to Lili. I see she's currently involved though."
"Oh, you should go on to her," Helga encouraged. "It will be dark soon, and we'll have plenty to eat from her bounty. Go on."
She nudged him on, continuing on in her digging, and Athelstan took another deep breath, tugging at his cloak and making his way to where Lilith was fishing.
The spear made a whoosh sound in the water just before she looked up, spotting him and smiling before she gathered up her basket and hurried toward him.
"Athelstan!"
He caught her just as she reached him, and though she carried more than he did, she was still as light as ever. He always imagined she walked on clouds to be so weightless, and he felt like sometimes he weighed her down by keeping her with him. Then she kissed his cheek and embraced him, and it was like he was weightless.
"You're just in time," she declared. "We're having fish tonight, like we do now every night I fish at Floki's. You will join us. Helga has missed you, I think. And I have missed you. Don't tell Floki, but I think he has missed you as well. That probably has more to do with me than with you."
Athelstan couldn't deny her anything, just as he'd never been able to, and he followed her pull up to the hut where Floki was already making a fire for the food.
The boat builder didn't exactly sneer when he saw Athelstan, but for Lilith's sake, he didn't spit, like he'd grown prone to doing when she wasn't around. Athelstan still struggled to recall when the enmity had grown between them, but he didn't want to do anything now but talk to Lilith. If he had to endure another night of eating in Floki's hut to do that, then he would.
"Of course you are here, Athelstan," Floki said after a minute. "Wherever Lilith goes, you are sure to follow. Like a lost dog. So I suppose I must feed you as I always do."
It was the last thing he said before he returned inside for more food to cook. Lilith set her basket and spear down, taking Athelstan by the hand and pulling him to where they usually slept when they had stayed here.
"Don't mind him," she insisted. "He was complaining earlier about King Horik, and he is in a bad mood. Come. I have to change before we cook. Did you finish practicing with Ragnar already?" she asked as she left him at the entrance to the smaller hut to duck inside.
"We finished early," he admitted. It was now or never. "Lili, I need to talk to you about something. About something Ragnar said to me. Something important."
"About what?"
He glanced back, catching a glimpse of her throwing off her wet dress and quickly looking away. "About you. It's why I'm here now. I know we've had a few disagreements of late, but this is something apparently only I can talk to you about. If I can help, then I want to help."
She became quiet as she changed. Athelstan forced himself to stay facing forward, especially since he wanted to get all the words right before she had the chance to answer him. After another minute, she emerged, wearing a heavier crimson dress and pulling her hair back into a braid.
"What did Ragnar say?" she asked immediately.
He looked around for somewhere else to go, because the last thing he wanted was for Floki to hear any of this and think of it as some other imagined betrayal that he'd been doing lately. "We should go somewhere a little more private."
When he held out his hand, she didn't hesitate, thankfully, slipping hers inside it and allowing him to pull her off further into the foliage away from the beach.
"I just want to start by saying that this isn't how I wanted this conversation to go," he said as they walked. "But it was brought to my attention in a rather obvious way, and I have to do this now before someone else does." He stopped when he thought they were far enough away from the hut, turning to her and having her face him. "So let me finish before you say anything, all right?"
The smile on her face had faded completely, and her cheeks had turned almost white. She clutched his hands as he did the same to hers, but then he sat her down so the plants around them mostly covered them from anyone watching.
"It's all right, I promise," he said, doing his best to reassure her. "But Ragnar has told me today that . . . many of the men in town have come to him asking to marry you. He said many of them believe they will need my permission to do so, and he told me why. Everyone here still sees you like you're mine, and it's only my word that will give you away. And I suppose to them, it's true. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this knowledge." He paused, watching her face as she listened. She could usually tell when he was being serious, and she always heeded his words like he asked. This time, it was clearly something she wasn't expecting.
When he didn't continue, she spoke softly. "And what did you tell him when he said this?" she asked.
"I told him I would talk to you," he admitted. "You're an adult, Lili. You can make your own choices. But you are technically an Earl's daughter, so not just anyone can ask to marry you. And Ragnar also said he would do whatever you asked."
She looked at him, her eyes peering into him like she could see right through him. "And what do you think I should do?"
He took another deep breath and reached for her hands again, holding them in both of his. "I want you to do whatever you want," he said softly, trying to be as gentle as he could. "It's not really up to me. It's your decision, Lili. Whatever you want is what we'll do. Just like you wanted."
She didn't speak for almost another minute, looking at their hands and then lifting her eyes to his. "And if I don't want to marry anyone from town?" she asked. "Or if I want someone from another town. How would those men react if I did that?"
Athelstan leaned in closer, lowering his voice to a near-whisper. "You can choose to do whatever you want, Lili. You can choose whomever you want. It doesn't have to be anyone from town. It can be anyone you want." In his heart, he said, it can even be me.
Lilith looked at him like she'd heard him, and he sat up instantly, putting a small distance between them without meaning to. She lifted her hand to his face, touching his cheek so softly he barely felt it. He captured it with his, stopping her when she opened her mouth to speak.
"Don't decide anything now," he pleaded. "Think about what you've learned, like I've always taught you. You don't have to decide now. We should head back before Helga comes looking for us."
She didn't hesitate when he stood up and then pulled her to her feet. She didn't stop him from taking her back to the hut, and she said nothing when he left her at the fire to duck inside and put his cloak away.
Athelstan wanted to kick himself. He didn't want to force Lilith to make any decisions, especially after what they'd just been through, and now, he'd just made it seem like she had to do this before she had any time to think it through. And for all he knew, he had actually said his thoughts where she could hear them. How was he supposed to do this without influencing her?
"I don't know how courtship is done in England," Helga said, suddenly behind him with vegetables for supper. "But here, we have a much more direct approach to expressing ourselves to the ones we love. You love her, do you not?"
Athelstan didn't realize how transparent he'd been lately. First, Ragnar revealed that others could see how he looked at Lilith. Now he didn't even have to say anything to Helga, and she knew how he felt. He'd been struggling with this for long enough that the people who watched him could see it on his face and hear it in his words. Maybe Lilith already knew and only wanted him to say it out loud. Maybe that's all he needed to do.
Helga stepped closer, touching his arm and encouraging him further like she always did. "Do you not?" she asked again.
He nodded without saying anything, swallowing his own insecurities, and she smiled, kissing his cheek.
"And she loves you. No matter what your God or ours made you promise before, I am certain they would not begrudge you this one thing. To have a full heart and a full life. And so, you must tell her."
So it was decided. Now he only had to find the words.
Despite eating fish nearly every night they stayed at Floki's, this night, there was something different about it. It was still fish, and it still tasted the same, but somehow, the company made all the difference for Athelstan. He helped Helga with the vegetables, and Lilith helped Floki cook the fish and clams. They sat around the fire with their food without speaking for a long time before Helga prompted Athelstan to speak.
"Athelstan, tell us how the training goes. Are you doing well?"
He sighed softly, remembering how easily Ragnar had overpowered him just that morning, but he was getting better. "Ragnar says I am. He believes I'll be ready when we go to England in the summer."
Floki actually snorted, covering it up with a giggle. Both Helga and Lilith chided him with a look before Lilith spoke.
"Ragnar would not overestimate your progress, Athelstan," she assured him. "If he says you're doing well, then you are. You learn things much quicker than you give yourself credit for. That is where I learned it from."
He blushed slightly in the warm glow of the fire, finishing his first piece of fish. "I'm better with a shield now than when we started, but Ragnar wants me better trained in the ax and sword before we leave. I hope I'm up to the task."
Helga smiled. "You are being taught by a great warrior," she encouraged. "And so you will also be when the time comes. You must trust him."
Athelstan bowed his head, taking in what she said and nodding his agreement.
"In any case," Floki said, "a warrior's greatest honor is to die in battle. So maybe you will be so fortunate, hmm, Priest?"
Athelstan only shook his head, eating another piece of fish as Lilith moved to his side with her plate. She sat on his lap like she'd done that night so many weeks ago, smiling at him as she draped her arm around him.
"Well, you know what I think, Floki," she challenged. "If a priest can unlearn half of the things Athelstan has, and relearn so many new things in the time he has, then I will always put my faith in him." She looked at Athelstan, lifting her cup to his and smiling when he met her in the middle with his. "I will always put my faith in you, Athelstan."
Without thinking, he leaned up to kiss her cheek, only for her to turn her face to his the moment his lips met hers. She pulled away quickly, the astonished expression on her face enough to make him move away himself. He stood up, not knowing where he would go but knowing he had to leave.
"Athelstan!"
Her voice faded as he hurried away, almost to the small dock down the embankment from the hut before he stopped and stood over the very end. Instantly, he felt like a fool. How could he have ever done something like that to her? He wasn't sure how he'd wanted this to go, but it wasn't like this.
"Athelstan!"
He shut his eyes as he heard her footsteps hurrying to him, only turning when she reached him and made him look at her.
"I'm sorry, Lili," he whispered, trying to keep his head down. "I never wanted it to happen like this. I wanted you to make your own choice. I didn't mean to — "
She stopped him, pressing her fingers to his lips. "Don't apologize," she pleaded. "It's all right."
He took her hands in his, facing her. "How is it all right?" he demanded. "I came to help you. To tell you what was said to me. I did not come here to force you to make a decision. One that you might not even wish for. How is that all right?"
She leaned in on his last word, kissing him much more deliberately than he had. Instead of pulling away, he stepped in closer, cradling her face and feeling her warmth bleed in from her body to his. The last time he'd kissed anyone had been right before Lagertha had left. No other opportunity had presented itself since then, and he hadn't sought one out.
This kiss felt completely different than the last one, especially since he wasn't mourning the loss of a friend or feeling out of balance with the task of keeping his family safe. He didn't just feel Lilith clinging to his hand with hers or her lips and then her tongue on his. It shook him to his core. And it felt right.
Lilith leaned away gently, laying her forehead over his mouth. "If you would just be quiet," she whispered, "I will tell you." She lifted her head, looking at him in the moonlight. "Come. I know where we can go."
She pulled him away from the dock quietly, and he went willingly.
Well, that was a close one, yeah? I hope it doesn't feel like things are happening too fast, but there's so much more that's going to happen. Like a lot.
Also, it was interesting to see how Athelstan would really react to other boys and men showing interest in Lilith. I don't think he was jealous. I really think he would be terrified of it.
The next chapter will be in Lilith's perspective, and it's one of the last short chapters before they get even longer than this one, so I'll try to post it a little sooner than usual.
Everybody have a good night, or morning! Until next time!