12 Thermodynamics

In French class Lynn doesn't move away from me anymore. Instead, she sits just a couple of inches to my left. We smile at each other without saying a word, but Mrs. Morrison has a surprise in store for us today. We are going to watch a movie in French, something old and full of famous French actors. Most of our classmates celebrate. I'm not sure what to think. It could be fun, I guess, except after she turns off the lights I remember that I'm extremely close to Lynn, in a dark room. As soon as that happens, I'm overpowered by a sudden desire to touch her, but I know that if I do that things will get out of control. A class full of witnesses might not be the best place for making out.

The sliver of air between us sizzles with an invisible electric current that seems to run from me to her on phantom wires, trying to pull us even closer, daring us to defy conventions and the scrutiny of our peers. I cross my arms and my hands clamp into fists as I will myself not to move but I turn to Lynn. She looks back at me, her body in an identical pose, fists just as tightly clenched as mine. We smile ruefully. The air between us shimmers. I can smell her, inhale her scent, and I cannot think of anything else. This is insane. What is the movie about? Who cares….. I cannot stand it any longer. I'm ready for a desperate gambit; I just hope it doesn't backfire. I lay my left hand on the table, open, palm up, right in front of her tensely crossed arms. I'm sure she knows what I want, but she looks at me, hesitant.

"You said we're breaking all the rules, right? Well, if we are going to hell let's do it in style." I hiss. She looks at me, surprised, and with a cheeky smile she puts her right hand over mine. Her skin is smooth and strong, but still supple. It's cooler than a human's, but not by much. My skin tingles, the current has intensified, but now I can at least explore her hand with mine. Fingers intertwine, then unlace and caress each other. We face the movie, only exchanging rare glances, but even so I'm only aware of how our hands interact. As my fingers dance against hers, my heartbeat goes for odd, syncopated rhythms. Her hand doesn't warm up like a human's would, but it's still wonderful to hold it. It's the longest hour of my life, and yet it's also one of the best.

Outside class, we are still unwilling to part, but we have to. Before we do, Lynn slowly lifts a hand to my face, as if giving me an opportunity to refuse her, not that I ever would. She strokes the side of my jaw, very gently. She looks tense, as if she's afraid to break me, but I lean into her touch and smile at her. She grins back before departing.

"Dude, you are awesome." A guys tells me as soon as she has left.

"Thanks, Ben." Ben Davies is on my soccer team but usually he's just a sub. We are both in the next class and we walk there together. I think Angela will be there as well. I cannot concentrate and when the teacher calls me with a question I fluff it bad. Who knew that certain forms of torture could be so enjoyable? And the whole school is talking about us. Normally, I would be terrified, but my chest is swelling with pride instead. Lynn is worth it.

When the teacher dismisses us and we head out, she is already waiting for me. She looks unsure, like she's worried I might not be happy to see her so soon, but as usual we smile when we see each other. Most people around us rubberneck to watch us, others pretend not to notice. We walk back to the car hand in hand, where her family is surrounded by admirers of Rosalie's sweet ride. It's an open-top sports car, dark red.

In the BMW Lynn pretends to concentrate on the road for a bit. I know she doesn't have to.

"That movie was really something, wasn't it?" I blurt out, blushing.

She chuckles.

"Yes, in a sense. Actually, what was it about?"

"I don't have a clue. I'm not even sure it was really in French. I just heard an indistinct buzz."

"Yes," she quips mirthfully. "I don't even know whether it was in color or black and white." She adds shaking her head. I have a hearty laugh.

"There is something I wanted to ask you…." She says with a cheeky smile now, only half turned toward me. "Do you really need to go to Seattle this weekend or was it just an excuse to fend off your admirers?" I think she cares about my answer more than she lets on.

"It doesn't have to be this Saturday but I do want to go to Seattle. I need a real bookstore. I'm running out of reading material. The scheduling was a convenient way to turn them down without hurting their feelings."

She chews her lips for a bit.

"What if I had asked you to the dance, would you have accepted?" She waits for my reply feigning nonchalance again. I don't buy it.

"I would have told you that I'd be happy to spend time with you, anytime and almost anywhere, but not at that dance."

"Why not?" She is clearly relieved, bordering on ecstatic really, but also curious.

"It's night club themed. The music will be awful. I wouldn't really call it music, actually."

She laughs. Mike told me she was nicknamed the ice queen because she didn't date and because she never even smiles. She has changed too.

"Yes, you're right. It's awful. Amazing, we do have many things in common."

"You like Clair de Lune, don't you?"

"Yes. But let's talk music later. There was something else I wanted to ask you. Keep in mind that you are totally free to refuse."

"Ask away." I narrow my eyes at her, pretend-wary.

"This Saturday the weather will be sunny, so I would rather not go to any public place. Would you like to spend the day with me? Just the two of us… You know there are risks involved."

She looks down, afraid to influence my decision, brooding.

"I won't complain if you decide not to." She adds in a coarse voice.

"Nonsense. I'll be happy to be alone with you. You saved me, now my life belongs to you. You can do with it whatever you want." I blurt out, marveling at my own candor.

Conflicting emotions pull her features in different directions.

"Is it just gratitude?" She says, trying to smile. Her voice is tight.

"We talked about this. My gratitude already gave you the thanks you deserve. I'm here, and I want to see you on Saturday, because I want to be with you before you disappear and crush my heart."

She smiles at first, but then she looks sad. When I realize that it sort of confirms my fears, I feel like somebody stabbed me in the chest. Now I feel blue as well. I should try to distract her and myself.

"So what did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking we could go hiking." She tries to affect a shy smile but can't quite pull it off. She ends up grinning instead.

"Sounds great. I love hiking. So, does that mean you will show me what you look like in direct sunlight?" That would be interesting.

She nods. I barely notice we are already parked behind my beat up truck.

"So where are we going? I suppose we will avoid regular trails… since you don't want to be seen."

"There is a place I like. It's very beautiful and nobody knows about it. It's like my sanctuary, in a sense. I've never even showed it to my family. I could take you if you want, but you should really let your father know you'll be with me. Or tell some of your friends."

"Why?" I look at her, puzzled. She tries to remain impassive, but she's torn.

"I want you to trust me, but there are risks. My self-control will be tested if we are alone for so long, in close contact. I could use an extra reason to bring you back alive…." She looks disgusted, possibly with herself.

"It would be more cautious of you to turn me down, Brandon…" She wants to warn me, but I know she is also scared I will finally listen to her.

"I will tell my friends I was with you afterwards, if you don't mind. I don't want you to get in trouble over me. Or to involve your family." I do my best to simper, probably end up resembling a serial killer instead. She shakes her head and looks down, but her lips smile.

"My father knows I like you, though. Just so you know." I wink. "Anyways, going to this secret spot of yours sounds fun, but I can't do anything too strenuous this weekend. My chest still hurts from the game."

"The hike I'll take you on is pretty easy. It's a few miles but it's fairly flat."

"Okay. I'll be fine then. Do you mind driving? My truck is so noisy…"

"And slow. Of course I'll drive."

"You're coming to school tomorrow, right?" I ask her, suddenly worried. Her possible absence already feels like a worm gnawing on my gut.

"Yes, I am. Your father will be here soon. I should go."

Our eyes lock. Every separation is physically painful and we prolong the moment, dithering, wordlessly looking at each other. Finally I sigh and clamber out of the car. As I turn for one last look she leans across the passenger's seat and smiles mischievously.

"Tomorrow it's my turn."

"I'm sorry, what?" What is she talking about?

"It's my turn to ask questions."

"Unlike you, I'm nothing special."

"I'll be the judge of that."

She has one more laugh as she drives away. A few seconds later dad's cruiser parks behind my vehicle. I put together a simple dinner for both of us, involving his beloved steaks and plenty of vegetables. In between mouthfuls he suddenly asks me something.

"I noticed you didn't use the truck today. Did somebody give you a ride?"

"Yes," I reply, my eyes on the table, my cheeks reddening.

"Who? Maybe a certain girl?" He looks serious, and then bursts out laughing.

"It was her! Good for you, son."

"Thanks dad," I huff as I hurry to finish my meal, answer a couple more questions with monosyllables, and eventually escape to my room. Well, that's the plan, but before I can bail Billy arrives for another baseball game. This time he has Jacob and Rebecca in tow. I'm surprised; I thought she hated sports.

I sit with them for a bit, but soon excuse myself. Rebecca, as expected not that interested in the game, asks me to play some music for her. On one of our hikes I told her I play the guitar a little. It almost looks like she wants to be more than a friend, but that's odd; she knows I'm seeing Lynn. I must be overthinking it. Maybe she's curious about the kind of music a nerdy white boy likes.

Upstairs, my room is pretty messy but whatever; I wasn't expecting guests. I pick up my classical and sit in the only chair. She perches on the edge of the bed. I don't have an amp for the electric yet.

"If you were expecting some heavy metal I'll have to disappoint you. I just play classical or indie stuff and I'm not very good." I look at her, giving her a chance to change her mind.

"Quit dawdling, man. Play me something."

I don't feel like playing Clair de Lune, and I doubt she would appreciate it. So I play a couple of indie songs, humming some of the vocal melodies. I just look at the fretboard, unaccustomed to having an audience. After the pop songs I go into a loose jam on the chords of Blue Moon. Rebecca claps.

While I'm wondering what to play next, she moves behind me and I feel her strong hands on my neck, starting to give me a light massage. Her strong, supple fingers expertly knead the muscles in my back. Her skin is cold at first, but soon warms up. I feel my body relax involuntarily. She comes closer, her breasts pressing against my back. It would be so easy to turn around, where her eyes, and her lips, would be only a few inches from mine. Her probing strokes leaves no doubt as to how she would react. The heat radiating from her body transfers to mine and it reminds me that, not in so many words, I've already made a different kind of promise, one I have no intention of breaking.

"Becca, what are you doing?" I frown, but she can't see my expression. She pushes harder against me.

"Your shoulders are a bit stiff. I thought I'd help you out. Don't you like it? Can't you feel our warmth our bodies generate when pressed together? Doesn't it make you feel good?"

I stand up, ignoring her protests, and move a couple steps away before turning around to face her.

"It is very nice, but that's not the point…. Come on, we have known each other since we were children. You and Jacob are like family. Besides, you know I'm dating Lynn Cullen. Trust me, you do not want to make her angry." I feel uncomfortable. I certainly had never seen this coming.

"And, actually, didn't you and Jacob tell me that due to your, erm, special talents, you will know it immediately when you find your soulmate, or something like that? Imprinting you called it, right?"

She pouts at me.

"It doesn't mean we can't have fun before we meet this fated mate, if that ever happens. That's what the elders told us but none of us has imprinted yet. Also, I'm not afraid of the Cullens, and I respect their ways, but are you sure you want to be involved with Lynn? Don't you need something warmer?" She inches closer to me, forcing me to step back against my desk. "Something softer…."

Her arm reaches for me but I avoid it and put the guitar away, now a little mad.

"There are different kinds of warmth. Her body is colder than ours, I'll grant you that, but her heart, whether it beats or not, is a different story. Let's go back downstairs, Becca. I really like you and I hope we will always be friends but I can't be what you want me to, I'm sorry."

I glare at her and hope she doesn't see how much of an effort those words cost me, but I've made my choice a long time ago and it won't change. Still, this kind of temptation is not easy to resist.

Rebecca's still pouting but she follows my lead and we go back downstairs to sit and chat with my dad and Jacob until the end of the game. She remains quiet, thoughtful. Jacob must have known her intentions and he can see things didn't work out. Occasionally he ribs her a little, subtle enough that my dad wouldn't notice. By the time they all leave she has regained her usual good humor and just hints that I don't know what I'm missing out on as I bid them goodbye.

Back in my room I manage to get some homework done, but it's getting late and dad reminds me I have school tomorrow on the way to his bedroom. In bed I still lie awake for a bit. I can't help thinking about Rebecca. Things could have been very good between us, under different circumstances. It's all pointless daydreaming; she might be a better match for me, in the short term at least, but Lynn is the only girl I need. The heart wants what it wants, no matter the consequences.