Chapter 21

Time seemed to be going both slower and faster the closer the time came for Lexa to come back. Clarke had convinced her mother to let her go, with lots of help from Kane, and planned on having Bellamy and Raven accompany her, as well as Octavia and Lincoln. As part of the deal to be in the coalition, Skaikru would be bringing tech to trade with the other clans. Others on Sinclair's team had already left to help set up radio towers and Raven would be going to help teach how to use the radios she had built, Bellamy coming as her guard, or at least that was the excuse they were going to use. She had been busy; there were enough radios for each clan to have several. Some of the clans would need to be convinced to let Skaikru come onto their land to help set up the necessary equipment to make the radios long-range instead of short, but that would come if and when Skaikru had earned their trust.

Abby was responsible for a lot of the trust that they had already gained. The grounder patient-prisoners remembered and shared how Abby Griffin had still fought to treat and help them even after Pike had taken power. Patients were slowly trickling in for medical help and Abby had left several times when Nyko had sought her out for a patient that couldn't be brought to them. She was gaining a strong reputation throughout the land as a powerful healer. She and Kane would be coming to Polis at some point, but no definite plans were made. They needed to remain for now to ensure peace and continue to build relationships with fellow clans. Trikru were frequent visitors, sometimes seeking help for medical or tech, sometimes just visiting. Things weren't perfect and there was still some occasional hostility, but overall they were all moving in the right direction.

There were still no sightings of Mark Johnson. Some wondered if a clan had taken him in, either not knowing who he was or planning to use him to get to Skaikru, but most dismissed this. Johnson would not have sought out grounders for protection and what had happened to Wanheda made it unlikely anyone would risk taking him in on purpose. Others believed he had been killed, by grounders who didn't know who he was, some wild beast, or exposure. Clarke doubted either of those things had happened: she couldn't let herself hope that he was dead and she didn't believe someone with that hate in him would last long trying to convince his enemy that he was someone else. No, she believed he was out there somewhere. Maybe alone, maybe with a band of outcasts who didn't ask too many questions. Even being with outcasts was unlikely as Johnson had almost no knowledge of Trigedasleng and his accent would identify him as Skaikru immediately.

There had also been no sightings of Murphy, though this didn't surprise Clarke. She hoped he was with Emory and building a life. He could pass as a grounder at this point and had a chance to blend in. She hoped she would see him again, though. She wanted to know he was okay and living the life with Emory that he had desired.

One order of business that would have to be dealt with in Polis was Pike. She wasn't looking forward to that and had almost hoped that she wouldn't have to confront him, but she knew that wouldn't be an option. He had been held in the Polis prison for over three months now. She almost hoped that he had finally been forced to confront the truth: there was no war coming from the grounders. Regardless of whether he held onto his delusions or not, his punishment for his actions, both against the Trikru village and Clarke, needed to be meted out.

Indra had started coming by to see Octavia. While she could no longer take her on as an official Second, her role as Clarke's guard superseding her role as Second, she continued mentoring her and, by proximity, Clarke. She had already respected Clarke, even if she was apprehensive of her, but she was finding that the Sky Princess impressed her. Not as much as Octavia, of course, but she found herself in awe of the young leader. When she had walked into med bay with Lexa and saw the shape Clarke was in, Indra had prepared herself for the inevitable fallout from Clarke's death. She couldn't imagine the girl ever waking up, little less being functional again. She had memories of warriors being spoon-fed while they drooled on themselves, images of Clarke taking their place in her thoughts, before their loved ones finally did the merciful thing and ended their misery. But now that image was replaced by one of Clarke almost being able to take Octavia on, holding a bow and arrow and hitting the correct tree, if not the target. Laughing and talking. Indra liked very few people, but Clarke had somehow found her way into her heart, though she would never admit it to anyone, least of all the Sky Girl.

Preparations for Lexa's return started a few days before her expected arrival. Supplies were packed, arrangements made. The cabin was deep cleaned, though that was done by Clarke more as busy work. Trikru had supplied a horse for Clarke, Octavia and Lincoln already had their own, while a vehicle would be used for Bellamy and Raven.

Clarke tossed and turned all night the night before Lexa was to arrive. She was both excited and terrified. She knew it was unlikely, but what if the time away had soured Lexa on her? She had grown more confident, better at pushing down her insecurities, but they were out in full force tonight. All the what ifs that led to even more horrifying possibilities that were about as likely as the sun not rising, but Clarke couldn't stop them from coming.

"Clarke, go to sleep," Raven mumbled from her cot, slight annoyance in her voice, "Tossing and turning all night won't make Lexa get here any faster."

Clarke sighed and tried to calm her mind, tried to hold still, but it didn't last long.

"Clarke…," Raven said, a bit more frustrated.

"Sorry, I just can't sleep," Clarke said. Something in her voice caused Raven to get up. She wasn't very fast without her brace, but she managed to get up and shuffle over to the bed, practically throwing herself down on it when she got there. She threw an arm over her eyes and let out a yawn.

"Dude, what's got you so anxious?" she said, adjusting to lay on her side.

"It's nothing," Clarke said, knowing her mind was trying to panic her over nothing.

"Well, nothing is keeping you awake, which is keeping me awake," Raven said with a hint of annoyance. She looked at Clarke, imploring her to either say what was wrong or go to sleep.

Clarke sighed, rubbing her face. She looked at Raven, "I'm just being stupid."

"Probably," Raven said with a smile.

Clarke returned the smile before sighing again. Maybe telling Raven would help her see how ridiculous her thoughts were, "What if things are…different when Lexa comes back?"

Raven furrowed her brow, "Different how?"

"I don't know. What if she's had time to think? What if…," she didn't want to voice that fear, choosing to frown at the ceiling.

"She doesn't want you anymore?" Raven filled in for her. Was she that obvious? She turned to face towards Raven, her frown deepening.

"Seriously, Clarke? Lexa loves you. Did you know she refused to leave your side the whole time you were in medical? I assumed she would find out what happened, maybe sit for a bit, and then head out, but she wouldn't leave until she knew you were okay. She was so worried, though she tried to hide it," she said, frowning as she thought both about that time and how she had still felt about Lexa back then. Still occasionally felt.

"I don't get it," Raven said, "I don't quite understand how it happened, but I know that she loves you and nothing could change that."

Clarke sighed, "I'm not quite sure how it happened, either, but I can't help thinking that time away might make her…I don't know, realize that I'm too much work?"

"Clarke, if she were ever going to realize that, she would have done it before capturing you and bringing you to Polis," Raven said, bracing her head on her hand, her frown deepening. "I know she said she did that because you were Wanheda or whatever and she didn't want to risk someone else getting ahold of you and using your power to challenge the coalition, but I don't think that's why she did it."

Clarke smiled softly, "No, that's not why she did it."

"Then why did she?" Raven asked.

Clarke chuckled, "I think she had a death wish. I hated her so much; they had to hold me back when they brought me in and I realized who had ordered my capture. I don't know how I got away with yelling that I was going to kill her or spitting on her."

Raven's eyes widened, "You did that? Clarke, they literally could have killed you for that!"

Clarke smiled again, "Yeah, they could have. At that point, I really didn't care if they did. I was so messed up and just full of rage."

Raven thought for a while. That was the response she would have expected from Clarke when she saw Lexa again, which was why it had been so confusing that she was suddenly vowing allegiance to her and living with her in Polis.

"When did that change?" Raven asked quietly, happy that she seemed to finally be getting the story.

Clarke frowned again, looking down for a minute, before meeting Raven's eyes, "I knew I couldn't go around yelling my plans to kill her, so I stayed in my room, refusing to see anyone. She let me do that for a week before trying to reason with me. She wanted me to bow in front of her as a sign of allegiance from Skaikru, but there was no way in hell I was going to do that," Clarke smiled at the memory, not because it made her happy, but because it reminded her of how far they'd come. "I sought out Roan. He had been banished and then locked back up after he delivered me, so I knew he didn't like her much, either. I asked him to kill her, but he said he would never be allowed close enough, so he gave me a knife so I could do it," she wasn't smiling while she finished.

Raven gasped. She knew that Clarke obviously didn't succeed, "But you changed your mind and decided to work with her, right? Or you didn't get the opportunity and then she grew on you?"

Clarke chuckled again, "I got the opportunity that same day. Lexa came in the room alone. I held the knife to her throat, I nearly did it," her frown deepened as Raven's face grew more shocked, "and she would have let me. She could have stopped me long before I ever got close to hurting her. She could have called for her guards, but she wouldn't have even needed to; she could have taken the knife away from me and I wouldn't have stood a chance. Instead, she stood there and let me do it. Told me she never meant to turn me into that, and let me make the choice to kill her or not. Obviously, I didn't. She told me she would be returning me to my people, that I was free to go, but I knew that we needed to work together again, so I agreed to play my role and bow before her, but that I wasn't loyal to her; it was just for show to protect my people."

Raven still couldn't hide her shock, though that sounded more like the Clarke she knew. She couldn't help but feel the fear of how easily Clarke could have been killed; no one would have even blamed Lexa for eliminating someone who so clearly wanted to kill her, not to mention the power Lexa would have gained for killing Wanheda. That's what most of them had assumed would happen when they found out that Lexa had captured Clarke and then invited Skaikru to Polis. There was a lot of fear that it was just a trap so they could witness the Commander killing Wanheda and taking her power. But that wasn't Lexa's motivation for capturing Clarke, Raven realized.

"Clarke, I think Lexa's loved you for a very long time. Probably since the moment she met you," she said quietly.

Clarke smiled softly, "Maybe."

"No, not maybe," Raven said with a smile, "Clarke, she had every reason from the beginning to wipe us out. She had been trying to, up until she met you. And you're wondering if a month away is suddenly going to change that?" There was exasperation in Raven's voice when she finished, turning over onto her back, "Seriously, Clarke."

Clarke sighed again, "Probably not."

"Go to sleep, Clarke. I'm staying on the bed; it's way comfier than the cot. If you don't stop tossing and turning, I'll lay on you so you can't move," Raven glared at her until she couldn't hold it, smiling.

Clarke laughed. "Fine. I'll try," she dramatically threw her arms over her eyes. She did manage to hold still, though it took her significantly longer than Raven to fall asleep. She woke up from a nightmare about being in the dropship, only Lexa was there watching, disgust towards her written all over her face. She tried to call out to Lexa in the dream, but Lexa turned and walked away. She woke up breathing heavy and crying, Raven trying to comfort her. She flung her arms around Raven and just cried. Raven asked if she wanted to talk about it after she'd calmed down, she hadn't had one that bad in a while, but she just shook her head.

It was close enough to an appropriate wake up time that they both got up and got ready.

"Are you nervous about going to Polis?" Clarke asked, trying to calm her own nerves.

"A little. I haven't left camp much since…well, forever," Raven said, shrugging. Clarke could tell her leg still ached a lot, but Raven had gotten good at pushing through the pain. She wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not, but Clarke felt that Raven coming to Polis would be good her.

Clarke was a ball of nervous energy inside, but outside she looked calm, if not a bit too quiet. She spent the morning with Miller, Monty, Jasper, and Harper. They confessed they were a little jealous that they didn't get to go, but the had so many things they were doing in Arkadia. She tried to listen and pay attention, but her mind was focused on listening for the announcement that grounders were approaching. She did have to admit she would miss Arkadia, just a little. Having Bellamy, Raven, Octavia, and Lincoln accompany her definitely helped with that, but these were still her people and she would miss them. She knew she'd be back, but she'd be lying if she said she wasn't looking forward to being in Polis again.

Just after lunch, Clarke had decided that her fears might not be too outlandish after all. Maybe Lexa had decided not to come. Maybe she had gotten the date wrong, though she knew from Indra that that wasn't the case. Then darker thoughts crept in. Maybe Lexa had been attacked on the way here. The thought of Lexa lying somewhere hurt or…worse…made her breathing and heart rate pick up. What if Azgeda wasn't as controlled as they thought? What if some random bandits had gotten the jump on them? So many terrifying thoughts entered her head that she was working herself into a full panic.

Octavia walked over to her and gave her a questioning look, but Clarke was too scared to speak her fears, too scared she might actually bring them into being. Octavia sat next to her, shoulder to shoulder, as they sat outside the cabin, trying to comfort her with her presence.

Then there was a shout at the gate: grounders approaching! Then the announcement that it was the Commander.