11. Finding Yourself

(Savato93's AN: My GOD, this chapter took a long time to write…)

(My AN: Okay, so no one tried to answer my question about which state our MC came from... Come on... Also, this is where I decided to add her into my head-canon, since Savato93 already stopped updating it since 2013. Who's her, you ask? You'll see in this chapter. And no, it's not Eirin, in case you wonder.)

XXXXX

Okay, that's twice now that that mystery woman in my head has executed me. Is this going to be a thing that happens every time I have a lucid dream?

More importantly… why the hell am I freezing?

Then the pain hit me. It felt like my entire body was burning… which is a very bizarre and uncomfortable sensation combined with aforementioned freezing. Summoning what little strength I have, I managed to force my eyes open.

Bad idea. Everything I can see is significantly brighter and sharper than I'm used to, even with my glasses. The drastic increase in clarity stings my eyes, and I blinked a few times to try and adjust them.

"Finally awake, I see." The shadow of a woman appeared over my head, obscuring the floodlights on the ceiling.

"You." My throat was painfully dry, and my voice came out as more of a squeak than a hiss. "What did you do to me, you bitch?"

"Now, that's no way to treat your doctor," Eirin replied. "In all honesty, I've done you a favor."

I fixed the Lunarian with such a poisonous glare, she took several steps back. "All I asked for was to be healed. That's all. But you couldn't just settle for that, could you?" I cough. "You had to go and do… and do…"

"Well… the best way I can think of putting it is simply telling you to…look down."

Confused, I craned my neck down. What that hell am I supposed to be looking at? I can't see anything past these tits…

Wait.

"No. No. Nonono… WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?" I screamed. It was at that point that I realized my voice wasn't lighter because of a dry throat; it had actually gone up several octaves. I tried to move, but Eirin had me strapped down, leaving me to struggle helplessly.

"I was testing a drug I worked on in my spare time, one that would get rid of imperfect genes in a person's DNA and replace them with my own. In the process, I kinda… forgot about the sex chromosomes, so your XY accidentally got overwritten by my XX."

"You just couldn't take 'no' for an answer, could you!?" I shouted. I ignored the burning pain filling my entire body, suppressing it to little more than an uncomfortable itch. "I didn't want to be made into a fucking superhuman. I just wanted to be healed. That's what doctors are supposed to do, right? Because if I remember correctly, doctors make an oath never to endanger the lives of their patients!"

"Your words would hold some weight to a normal doctor, but I'm a Lunarian. We have no analogue for the Hippocratic Oath. Besides, I can reverse the effects with a sample of your original DNA. I got the information I wanted from this experiment already, so if you're so opposed to your new body I can change you back."

"That doesn't change the fact that you did this to me in the first place!" I began to yank at the restraints. "Just because you can fix this, it doesn't mean I'm going to forget about you going against your word!"

"See, this is what I hate about humans," Eirin sighed. "You're so quick to find fault in everything around you, completely ignoring the positives. So what if you're a girl now? I've made your life so much better! You'll never be ill again…"

"For the last time, I didn't want you to do this to me!" I screamed.

"And what could you have done to stop me? I am infinitely older and more intelligent than you; while your ancestors were still swinging through trees, I was guiding my people to shape the universe to our will. We don't even need the Hourai Elixir, as we are naturally undying. Immortal, infallible, beautiful… you should be honored to be reborn in my image."

Her words, her tone, even her expression as she said those words; all of those things caused me to go from pissed to absolutely murderous in an instant. With a loud snap, I tore out of the straps holding my right arm down and grabbed Eirin's hair. Pulling the Lunarian closer, I ripped my other arm free and punched her in the face. She jerked back as I let go, clutching a profusely-bleeding nose. With her distracted, I reached down, tore the leather straps off my legs, and pushed myself off the berth. I hit the cold tiled floor of the room, my legs weak from lack of use.

"Well, I suppose I should have anticipated this sort of reaction," Eirin glared at me through her fingers, blood dripping down her hands and face. "This ward will need to be cleaned up later."

That bitch! She's just ruined any chance I have of returning to a normal life back in America, and that's ALL she has to say!? All traces of intelligent thought in my mind evaporated, consumed by raw fury. Fighting past my trembling knees, I forced myself to stand up and charged Eirin. She attempted to raise an arm to shield herself, but the motion seemed sluggish, as if she was moving through water. Spotting the motion, I went over her raised arm. Our skulls met with a loud crack, and Eirin stumbled back, her cap falling to the ground. I myself was unfazed, having bashed skulls with many people in my life.

Eirin quickly regained her balance and finally began to fight back, throwing a right hook in retaliation. Again, the movement appeared slower than it should have been. Twisting my hip, I grabbed Eirin's outstretched arm and yanked with all my strength in the opposite direction. A loud snap, accompanied by Eirin's cry of pain, confirmed that the humanoid arm was not meant to bend in the direction I'd just made it bend. While still clutching her now-broken arm, I gripped the back of her head with my left hand and, swiping her feet out from under her, let both of us fall backwards.

The blinding pain of the back of my head hitting the tile floor was disorienting, and spots began to creep up in the corners of my vision, but those things didn't prevent me from hearing the sudden snap next to my right ear on impact. Shaking the spots out of my vision, I looked over to Eirin. What I saw nearly made me vomit on the spot.

Eirin had impacted the floor with the bottom of her chin, and the hand I'd grabbed her with had slipped down her body by mere inches during the fall. The end result was Eirin's head resting at an unnatural angle with her neck. Her Adam's apple jutted from her throat, and she had stopped breathing. All the hatred, the rage, the mindless fury—all of it vanished in an instant. Taking its place was shock, panic, and complete horror. Above it all, was a single thought:

What have I done?

I crawled away from the Lunarian's body. I only managed to move a few feet before the bile in my gut rising past the tipping point. With nothing in my stomach to force up, though, all that came out were dry, painful heaves that left my chest burning. The cold, sterile air and freezing tile floor of the ward bit into my burning skin, creating an unbearable sensation that just couldn't be described as 'pain.' I opened my mouth to scream, but I could only begin to retch once more as my stomach tried to turn itself inside-out.

This repeated for about half a minute before, finally, mercifully, my body gave out on me. I slumped to the ground and blacked out.

XXXXX

Eirin groaned as she came to her senses. "Ugh… Yukari was right. HELL of a temper, this one." She rolled over and sat up. Glancing over, she noticed the girl on the floor a few feet away, having passed out from what looked like a severe panic attack.

Sighing, Eirin produced a pager and hit a button. Almost instantly, a rabbit-eared girl popped into existence with a loud crack of displaced air. "Look, princess, if you're going to join some clan, the least you can do is… is…"

It took a moment for Reisen Undongein Inaba to realize she'd been teleported mid-lecture. She eyed Eirin with an annoyed expression. "Could you please give me a warning before you portal me away to do whatever it is you called me for…? Er, what did you call me for, anyway?"

Eirin pointed at the unconscious girl sprawled out on the floor. "Girl woke up and went berserk, managed to snap my neck before shock and fatigue took her out."

"Well, ah, who is this, then?"

"Yukari's latest outsider," Eirin answered. "He came to me for treatment a few days ago, and I decided to try a new drug on him. He insisted I don't, but there's not much one can do about it if they're asleep."

Reisen narrowed her eyes. "You just don't understand how to take NO for an answer, do you?"

"Funny." Eirin scratched her chin absently. "That's the exactly what he… or rather, what she said after she woke up."

"Of course she did."

"What's with that tone, Reisen…? Wait, who are you texting?"

Suddenly, Eirin's phone rang. She brought it out and answered. "Hello?"

"What have I told you about running experiments on humans!?"

Eirin's head jerked back as Kaguya Houraisan screamed in her ear. "It was only an outsider, Princess. I've honestly done him a favor in the long run—"

"I don't care! You've almost certainly traumatized him, or her, whatever he is now. Have you never felt 'empathy' even once in your infinite life, Yagokoro?"

"Well, what do you want me to do about it? Bring the outsider home with me?"

"Yes."

Eirin blinked. "Princess, I'm not sure that's a good idea…"

"I didn't ask whether it was a good idea or not! You will bring the outsider to Eientei, to me. No questions. Do you understand, Eirin?"

The Lunarian's response was scarcely louder than a grumble. "…Yes, princess."

"Good. Get to it." The phone went dead.

Fuming, Eirin pitched the phone back to Reisen. As the rabbit fumbled to catch it, Eirin pulled a handgun out of Hammerspace and shot the rabbit in the foot.

Reisen dropped to the floor. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?" she screamed, clutching her bleeding foot.

"That was for being a snitch. Now get up and help me bring this girl to Eientei."

Whimpering, Reisen limped out of the room (leaving a trail of blood as she left) and returned with a wheelchair and a hospital gown. Together with Eirin, she pulled the girl off the floor and propped her up on a table so the gown could be slid onto her unconscious body. That done, the girl was settled into the wheelchair and rolled out of the ward.

XXXXX

"…Hey… Wake up…"

I wrapped myself deeper in the flannel sheets. "Hold on… just let me sleep a little longer…" Man, that was one incredibly bizarre dream… just wait 'til the guys at the Station Wagon hear about this…

"Hmm… How 'bout NO!" I felt something shove me in the back, sending me over the side of the bed. Suddenly forced into consciousness, I wiggled frantically in my cloth cocoon until I broke free.

This… did NOT look like my room. Plain yellow walls, wooden floors… and the strange girl rounding the bed to face me. Wrapped in an extravagant oriental gown, she had long, straight, jet-black hair and deep chocolate eyes.

And then the memories came flooding back.

"Oh my god! Eirin!" I bolted to my feet. "Where is she? I she okay? I'm sorry, I never meant to get her killed! I was just so angry, I wasn't thinking, I just…"

Kaguya grabbed me by the shoulder and gently shook me, snapping me out of my hysteria. "It's alright. Eirin's fine. She and I are immortal, remember?"

"Immortal…? Oh… right…" I mumbled. "Is she… mad at me?"

"Not really. If anything, she's more upset with me because I forced her to bring you here to Eientei."

"Oh…" I hung my head… bringing two large mounds of flesh into my view, covered by a teal robe. "Fucking…" I mumbled something unintelligible.

Kaguya leaned in. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"A mirror, I need a fucking mirror." Kaguya looked hurt, but pointed to a wardrobe mirror on the far side of the room. Without a sound, I stepped in front of it.

I didn't even recognize the face looking back at me in the mirror. Fearing what I would see, I tore off the hospital gown covering my body.

It was as if I'd hooked up with Eirin and we had a kid together. The only features that were remotely familiar to me were my sandy brown hair (which hadn't exactly changed in length, looking very odd in contrast to everything else) and blue eyes. Above all of the horrific conversion of all my masculine body features, it was the eyes that caught my attention the most. They were dull, lacking any sort of lively spark in them. They were the eyes of a broken spirit; lost, hurt, and afraid, consumed by weariness.

They were my eyes. And they scared me.

Kaguya stepped forward. "Are you alright?"

My head whipped around. "What do you think?" My voice was a sharp whisper.

Kaguya calmly raised her hands up. "I understand your pain. I've lived a very, very long time; trust me when I say I've pretty much seen it all."

"No, you don't understand," I hissed. "Just because you've seen it happen to somebody else, that doesn't mean you'd know what it's like to have it happen to you!"

Kaguya opened and closed her mouth several times, searching for the right words to say to me. "…I guess you're right. I've never been in your kind of predicament. But the point is, I have seen others who suffered like you have. Do you want to know the one thing they had in common? They all moved on. It took time, yes, but sooner or later they came to accept their changed life for what it was. If you just try, you can."

"You think I can get over becoming a girl just like that?" I snapped my fingers. "I've lived as a man for all nineteen fucking years of my life. If you expect me to come to terms with an entirely new way of life at the drop of a hat, you can forget it."

"Of course not. I don't expect you to get over it instantly (Eirin probably would, but between you and me she just doesn't like you). But you'll never be able to get over it at all if you don't at least make an effort."

I moved back to the bed I'd woken up in and slumped down. "What's the point? I'm probably going to be trapped here for the rest of my life, however long that is, and all the people close to me will never even remember I exist. I've got nothing to live for…"

"Look kid, I can only play therapist and tolerate your moping for so long before it starts rubbing off on me!" Kaguya exclaimed in English, with a heavy Japanese accent. "Get a hold of yourself!"

I froze. "…You… you speak English?"

"Of course I do. The majority of the online gaming population speaks English; I'd be missing on a lot of fun if I didn't go bilingual. I figured you'd be a little more comfortable speaking to someone in your native tongue."

"It's not helping. All you're doing is reminding me of everything in my life that's been taken away from me. "

Kaguya spoke to me with a quiet and calm voice. "You may say you have nothing to live for, but that doesn't mean you can't find something worth living for. If you'd just let me, I could help you to cope with everything Gensokyo has done to you. I'm not asking you to change all at once, but you don't have to do it alone."

I was silent. Kaguya took a deep breath. "You say I don't know your pain. But I do. I was exiled from the moon because I drank the Hourai Elixir. The cover story is that it was to protect me from assassination- the Lunar Capital was in deep political turmoil at the time—but the fact is, I asked Eirin to make the elixir for me. I didn't think about the consequences my selfish actions would have, and I was cast away from the only home I'd known for millennia for it.

"I was mad—unfairly so. Eirin tried to console me, warned me not to let my anger get the best of me, but I didn't listen to her. Instead, I took it out on complete strangers… Fujiwara no Mokou's father among them. People back then thought I was just another commoner, blessed with otherworldly beauty. As an aristocrat, seeking the hand of a commoner was already a bad idea in the eyes of nobility, and the senior Fujiwara was never that popular to begin with. Being demanded one of the five Impossible Requests (all of which were in my possession) by a commoner, and subsequently failing, was one of the greatest insults he could have suffered, and his social status plummeted as a result.

"Now, it's not common knowledge, but Mokou was an unwanted child. She was already mistreated before I turned down the hand of her father, and things could only get worse from there when his public image imploded. Locked away in her house, she was helpless to defend herself as her father began to take out all of his anger and pain on her. The abuse escalated in severity over time, continuing all the way up until his suicide. Unwanted, abused, orphaned; I destroyed Mokou's life out of selfish anger, and she has every reason to hate me for it.

"I'm telling you this because I don't want the same thing to happen to you. I'm trying to give you a chance to accept what has happened, before your sorrows cause the destruction of an innocent person's life, like mine did. But you have to let me help you. Do you understand?"

Kaguya's story struck a chord in my heart. I may have seemed blunt and uncaring to the people in my life, but that was just because I have trouble expressing emotion; deep down, I genuinely cared for others. I never meant to cause anybody harm. It was true, I was absolutely mortified by my unwilling transformation, but I didn't want other people to suffer because of it. If I had to accept,

Finally, I looked up to face Kaguya. "What am I going to do?"

"You stay here, at Eientei. Learn how to live like us women. I won't force anything; in order for any of what we teach you to stick, you have to learn at your own pace, and you need to be comfortable with it."

"What about everybody else? Reimu, Yukari, Sanae? Will they know where I am?"

"You just let me worry about that," Kaguya said. "For now, though, let's start the rehabilitation. First thing's first, a name change is in order. What's your real name?"

"Luke."

"Okay, that probably won't do. From what little I know of Western culture, there are a few boys' names that a girl can get away with having, like Charlie or Sam (though that's usually short for 'Samantha' or something). Luke, though, is not one of those names. For your sake, the change doesn't have to be drastic. It can be something simple."

"What about Lucy?"

"That's perfect." Kaguya glanced at a clock behind me. "Well, would you look at the time. It's almost midnight."

"Oh, really?" I glanced back. Kaguya was right—it was 20 'til. "Huh…"

A sudden wave of exhaustion hit me. Wobbling on my hands and knees, I put myself back into the bed I'd been sitting on. "Great… thanks for reminding me… now I can't…" I yawned. "…fuck."

Chuckling, Kaguya picked the bedsheets up from the floor and tossed them over me. "I'll leave you to get some shut-eye. See you in the morning."

I didn't respond, already fast asleep. Kaguya silently flicked the lights off and left the room, closing the door behind her.