Chapter 8

Ani sat in her room pondering.

Obi-Wan had left abruptly several days ago and had yet to return. She learned through the Jedi temple gossip train that he was on an unofficial mission to Mandalore to aid Duchess Satine. Yoda confirmed the gossip earlier when he came by to check on her. What Yoda didn't tell her was what her next assignment was going to be. She suspected from Yoda's behavior that Obi-Wan told him something about her visions. Something damning enough that Yoda and the council were not re-deploying her as they had planned too. The fact that he sent Obi-Wan away also troubled her. She wondered if Yoda had sent him away because of her. That he had somehow sensed…

And that was the other topic that she needed to talk to someone about. The feelings that she could neither deny nor admit to herself. Having too many days to sit in her room thinking she knew she needed someone else's perspective. Someone who wasn't a Jedi.

XOXOXO

"Ani I'm so glad you suggested this," smiled Padme as the two woman dug into the food that Ani had picked up on her way to Padme's apartment. She eyed the massive pile of take-out and wondered how much the petite woman planned on eating.

Ani returned Padme's smile, and was tempted to once again hide behind small talk. But they had already circled around when the next scheduled rains were occurring on Coruscant, what holo-novel they had last read and Padme's belated congratulations on her gaining her knighthood. She was actually surprised that Padme hadn't brought up Obi-Wan's death and resurrection – she had been hoping for the opening. But the other woman conspicuously did not mention her former Master.

"I needed a nice evening like this, I… I have been struggling," she admitted.

Padme only nodded, waiting for her to go on.

"My last mission…. We got lost in deep space and I ended up having some kind of experience with the force. I don't remember everything that happened. But, I was shown visions of a possible future."

She stopped talking, and looked at Padme waiting for the other woman to dismiss her experience as Mace and Obi-Wan had. But Padme seemed surprised by, but not dismissive of her confession. It encouraged her to continue.

"I don't remember all of it. But there were pieces. Things that I saw. Things that have me feeling very confused."

She stopped there.

"How so Ani?" Padme probed softly. Ani could sense that while Padme was curious she was asking more for her benefit, to help her. Ani didn't know if she could get up the nerve to answer. But Padme didn't push, she just studied her for a moment than stood up. She watched as the other woman walked to her kitchen and came back with a bottle of blossom wine and two glasses. She poured both of them and handed one to Ani before sitting down again.

"I drove here," Ani protested, but Padme promised her that her guest room was freshly prepared and she was up for a night of girl chat if Ani was. Ani only nodded and drank the glass down rather quickly.

Then she braced herself to broach the topic that she prayed Padme would not mock her for.

"How do you know if you love someone? How do you know if it's real and not just a manipulation?"

Padme studied her for a long time, looking like she was trying to find an answer but didn't have one. Ani had assumed Padme would – she was so graceful Ani had assumed there must have been some torrid love affair in her past. But the other woman only seemed confused by her question.

Ani sighed, she might just have to tell her everything if she wanted her advice.

"Like I said, I think I had visions of potential futures…." She stopped talking again. This was incredibly hard to say aloud. "I think, in one of them. I… I was…." For force sake she couldn't say it. Couldn't speak it.

"You were what Ani?" Padme asked, pouring her another glass of blossom wine.

"I think I was kissing Obi-Wan in one of the visions."

She drank the whole glass down before she dared look up at Padme again. She waited for the scandalized gasp. But Padme did not appear scandalized at all. Instead she sat there, with an infuriatingly knowing smile on her face.

"I never thought of Obi-Wan that way before. But I saw those visions, and then I got back here and found out he had died. And then he wasn't dead. And…"

She tried to stop her babbling, but except for a rare glass of champagne with the chancellor, she never drank and she could feel her inhibitions lowering. And she could feel everything that she had held in starting to tumble out.

"I think I have feelings for Obi-Wan… but maybe it's just the visions and my grief confusing me. And even if I did truly, like him, in that way, we're Jedi. We could never act on it and I'd have to live the rest of my life feeling this way. Like there's a great emotion inside of me that I can't…" oh force, now she was crying. "It hurt so much when I lost him."

Padme stood up from her seat and walked over to her and pulled her into an embrace. "I'm so sorry Ani," she whispered. She pulled Ani up by the arm and led her into the living room, sitting her down on a comfy couch before grabbing the food and wine and positioning them on the caf table in front of them.

A few hours and the full bottle of blossom wine later she found herself in Padme's spare bedroom. Playing Padme's question in her mind. Why can't Jedi be in love?

Ani did not have a reason that satisfied Padme. And she realized in her heart that she didn't have a reason that seemed satisfactory to herself either. Not that it mattered. Even if Obi-Wan did feel the same, which incredulously Padme seemed to think he did, he would never act on it.

XOXOXO

Ani woke up, marveling at the softness of the bed beneath her. It was luxurious against her skin and she let herself sleep a little longer, hoping the mild throbbing in her head would be relieved when she woke up next. But a few minutes later, or perhaps an hour, the smells of fresh caf drifed into the room and Ani decided she better pull herself out of bed. She took off the pajamas Padme lent her and pulled her Jedi robes back on.

"Breakfast," said Padme by way of greeting, gesturing to a plate of food on the tablet and the half filled caf machine on the counter. Ani could not help but notice that Padme looked like she felt.

"Thank you," she said softly, grabbing a cup of caf before sitting down beside Padme at the table.

In the morning's light she felt a bit embarrassed about everything she had told Padme. Thankfully the other woman seemed to sense her discomfort and instead of making small talk turned on the holo-news to watch.

Ani ignored the reporter's dribble about tooka kittens and felt her eyes drawn to the text scrolling along the bottom of the screen: The Duchess of Mandalore assassinated.

Ani felt all the blood drain from her face. If Satine had been killed…..

"I have to go," she said, running out the door before Padme could protest.

XOXOXO

While speeding back to the Jedi temple Ani's first thought was she would borrow a ship from the GAR and head directly to Mandalore. Thankfully it occurred to her that perhaps she should at least try to comm Obi-Wan first before doing anything that stupid. She was glad that she had. For he answered the call right away, settling the familiar fear in her heart.

Obi-Wan seemed quite distant on the comm, trouble lines marking his face. He did not seem unhappy to hear from her per se but he just looked so tired. "I'm okay Ani," he reassured her and she felt bad that he was the one trying to comfort her. So when he reassured her he was on his way back to Coruscant and would find her when he arrived she nodded in relief and ended the call.

XOXOXOX

Ani was never good at waiting.

She paced around her rooms, trying to find something to distract herself but never succeeding. Finally after waiting what felt like it should have been more than long enough for him to return to Coruscant she went to find Obi-Wan. She knew she shouldn't go bother him, that he might need his space and yet she couldn't force herself to stay away.

Unfortunately she found his room empty. Instead of heading back to her own she let herself in and began to tidy the place up. Then she looked through his cupboards until she found his favourite tea and kettle, getting both ready to brew when he got back home.

XOXOXO

"Ani?"

Her first instinct was to roll over, pull the blankets over her head and to keep sleeping. Then feeling an absence of blankets and bed she realized where she was and who was talking to her. She blushed as she slowly sat up from where she had fallen asleep on Obi-Wan's couch.

Her master was looking down at her with a look that would have been amused if it wasn't covered by a deep sadness. His pain hurt her as if it was her own. She stood up to hug him, but at the same time he sat down on the couch, beside the spot where she had been a moment ago.

"Obi-Wan, I'm so sorry about Satine," she said as she awkwardly looked down at him before sitting back down.

Obi-Wan nodded but he didn't say anything.

She didn't know what to say to him. She remembered how empty words had seemed when she thought she lost him. So she sat there awkwardly wondering if she should take his hand or…

"Tea," she declared suddenly, jumping up to turn on the kettle that he been patiently waiting on the kitchen counter. Of course Obi-Wan had an old fashioned kettle that took forever for the water to heat. So she stood at the kitchen counter awkwardly while Obi-Wan remained sitting on the couch looking at his hands.

"I'm sorry Ani," he finally said and she was shocked by the words.

"Why Obi-Wan?" she asked, pouring the hot water into the tea pot, suddenly overly interested in the tea leaves.

"For letting you think I was dead."

He did not elaborate and Ani had a horrible thought that perhaps Obi-Wan had been the one to realize how she felt and that is why he had left so quickly. She shrugged the thought away. It did not matter now. All that mattered was helping Obi-Wan through his loss.

"You're forgiven Obi-Wan. I understand that it was a mission and we are Jedi. Let me be here for you now. I know that it's hard to lose someone you loved."

She knew it only too well.

Obi-Wan nodded sadly. "I did love her," he admitted.

Ani felt something break in her just a little at his confession of love for the Duchess, but she would not stoop to being jealous of a dead woman. But she needed something to distract her from the thought, so she picked up the tea and started to pour it into there glasses.

"That tea needs to steep longer," Obi-Wan remarked and she stopped pouring at his words. "And we should talk Ani," he added, gesturing for her to sit down on the couch next to him. She looked at the spot, looked at Obi-Wan and then nodded and sat down next to him. If he knew how she felt and he gave her some lecture about knowing when to let go…

"It hurts knowing that you won't get to speak to someone anymore, to see them anymore," Obi-Wan started and Ani nodded, dreading his next words. "I know that," she mumbled, somehow hoping her interruption might stave off a lecture.

Obi-Wan surprised her. He stopped talking and just looked at her. He studied her face for a moment before taking her hand. "I'm so sorry I did this to you Ani. That I made you believe I was dead."

She looked at their joined hands and suddenly felt bold. Padme's just tell him echoing in her mind.

"How close were you and Satine?" she asked instead, then blushed, hoping Obi-Wan didn't think she was trying to compare his grief with her own. Hoping he didn't hear the unasked question - Did you love her as much as I love you? He was quiet for a moment and she was about to tell him not to answer when he surprised her.

"Master Jinn and I protected her for nearly a year when I was a padawan. Always together and running from danger. We grew very close, and I think it was love. At the time I told myself that if she asked I would leave the order for her. But she never asked me Ani. And we never acted on our feelings. And now she's gone."

Obi-Wan was strangely silent and Ani felt her heart breaking for him.

"Do you regret it?" she asked.

"No. I'm happy with the way my life has turned out. But when someone is gone it makes you wonder. Why do we put ourselves through all this self-denial when it still hurts to lose them in the end?"

Ani looked at Obi-Wan in surprise. He was looking back at her and the words almost died on her lips but she had to ask.

"Do you wish you had acted on your feelings?"

It came out a rough whisper and something flickered in his eyes at her question. Then he looked back down and pulled his hand away from hers.

"The tea," he mumbled.

"You said it needed to steep," she corrected him before he could stand up.

He didn't say anything. He just sat there next to her for the longest time. Then finally he turned and looked back in her eyes.

"Ani I…."

He didn't need to say anything else, she could feel his emotions fully then, unguarded in the force, their bond pulling her towards him. "I feel the same," she whispered, still finding it hard to believe that Obi-Wan was struggling with the same emotion's she was.

"Ani, this isn't a good idea," he breathed out slowly, but at the same time he leaned slightly towards her and reached up to pull her hair out of her face.

"But we're already too attached," she admitted breathlessly as he touched his forehead to her own, his eyes studying her lips. She was the one to finally bridge the gap between them. He pulled back from her, a look in his eyes. She knew he was giving her a chance to change her mind. But she didn't, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him back to her.

And the tea had plenty of time to steep.

End Chapter 8