Author's Note: Before reading this chapter you might want to check out "Severus Snape and the Marauders" on YouTube. It's a very well done short that I enjoyed so much I'm making it canon for this story and some of those events will come up in this chapter. It's not totally necessary but it may make this better to read. Also, because I made the Battle for Hogwarts happen early in the school year I have changed Teddy Lupin's birthday is in November rather than April.
Chapter 10: Mending Fences
It was midafternoon on a cold day in December. It was the last day of the holiday break and the sun was nowhere to be seen behind the clouds. Severus apparated in front of the 12 Grimmauld Place dwellings. Being the last day of the holiday break, he deeply hoped that Harry Potter was not going to be there. Quickly, he completed the incantation that made the cleverly disguised home appear between two other residences. He didn't have to wonder why they still went through all of the trouble. For a werewolf privacy was of the utmost importance.
The man's jaw was clenched tightly and his expression grim as he briskly knocked on the heavy wooden door. It only took a moment before the door opened to reveal a very tired and disheveled looking Remus Lupin. Dark circles were under his eyes and his expression was one of both confusion and exhaustion.
"Hello, Severus," he said slowly. "What are you doing here?"
"Good afternoon, Remus," was Severus' reply. He attempted to be cheerful but the words came out as icy as usual. "I apologize for turning up unannounced. I hope I haven't come at a bad time."
"Not at all," he responded. "I have just finished putting down Teddy for a nap."
"May I come in," Severus asked awkwardly while shifting his weight to his other foot.
"Of course," said Remus politely while opening the door all the way to allow the other man through. "We can have a seat in the kitchen. Would you like a cup of tea? I would be happy to put the kettle on."
Severus nodded and said, "That would be nice." He was still feeling the chill from the wind outside.
Entering the house, Severus was surprised to see that the old dark wallpaper had been exchanged for light blue wallpaper with thin dark blue stripes. The lighting had been updated giving the space a brighter and more welcoming feel. Following Remus into the kitchen, Severus saw that the interior of the kitchen had also been updated. The cabinets were a sterile white and the walls were painted a sunny yellow. So far it seemed like everything about the residence had been changed. Nothing looked as Severus remembered. He took a seat at one side of the long kitchen table that seemed to be the only thing he recognized in the small space. He sat the basket he had been carrying down in front of him. It was a large worn looking wooden picnic basket with a covered top that opened on both ends.
"I see that you all have done some renovations to the house," Severus said in attempt to make conversation.
"Yes, it was Hermione and Molly that felt that the place needed to be updated and made a more 'healthy environment' if I was going to continue living here with Teddy. Kreacher is… well, adjusting. Oddly enough he dotes on Teddy despite not being too fond of me. Harry's offered him his freedom numerous times but he won't accept," Remus answered.
Unsure of what to say, but needing to respond, Severus said, "It seems logical to make accommodations for the baby. How old is your son now?"
"He just turned one in November. Takes after his mother and for that I am forever thankful. I don't know if you have heard but he is a Metamorphmagus like her. His hair is an angry red right at the moment from him fighting his nap while it was a peculiar shade of green all morning. I wonder how his appearance will settle as he gains more control of his gifts," Remus said in a very comfortable and fond way.
"Indeed," said the other man who could not relate in any way whatsoever. "It must have come as such a relief that your condition wasn't passed on to the boy," it was said with a gentle kindness and not the usual hatred or scorn that Severus used to speak with when referring to Remus' lycanthropy.
"You can't possibly imagine. It's almost a week from the full moon and I am so thankful he doesn't have to go through what I do." Remus answered quietly. After finishing putting the kettle on the stove he turned back towards the kitchen table and took a seat across from Severus. "So," he asked "what's in the basket?"
"Something to help," Severus replied simply while pushing the basket over to Remus.
Remus lifted one end of the basket to reveal twelve quart sized jars filled with a dark liquid, the Wolfsbane Potion. His eyes widened and his mouth fell open as he lifted a jar out of the basket. "How? Wh… wh... why?" he stuttered as he sat the jar on the table.
"Consider it a peace offering. There is enough there to last you a year. I truly hope it helps you. Brixton Winchester sends her warm regards. She brewed one double batch of the potion while I brewed the other. I can assure you the quality of her potion is just as good as my own brew." Severus said while awkwardly glancing around the room.
"A peace offering?" Remus repeated, "What for? Harry has cleared your name for what happened with Dumbledore."
Severus swallowed hard at the mention of his dark, although well intentioned, deeds. "No, Remus. This is meant to atone for other things. I know that if it weren't for my wrongdoings you may still have your job at Hogwarts that would help you provide better for your son. Please don't think that I have forgotten my own pettiness and what it has cost you. I know how exceedingly difficult it is for werewolves to get work."
"No," he responded quickly. "You didn't make that year easy on me, but it was my own forgetfulness that cost me that job and endangered precious lives. I do not blame you for my lack of employment. No matter, thanks to Harry we will always have a roof over our heads. He's Teddy's godfather, you know, and very proud of the title."
Disregarding the comments about Harry, Severus tried to stay on topic, "Well, I confess, I did my best to have the nature of your condition found out. I was carrying old grudges and should have put the wellbeing of the Order and of the school first instead of ancient bad blood."
Remus looked down and twiddled his thumbs a bit. It took a moment but he finally said, "Severus, I have done very little to mend the fence over the years. There was a fair bit of wrongdoings, as you put it, on my end as well, especially during our time at school."
Severus was feeling very uncomfortable. This entire conversation was not in his comfort zone in any capacity. After the disastrous events the day before, he had considered not even visiting Remus. However, the words of both Brixton and Dumbledore's portrait rang in his ears. He allowed them to push him towards continuing the conversation. So he said, "That, actually, is what I hoped to come here and discuss."
"Really?" Remus asked as his eyebrows rose in surprise.
Doing his best to keep his tone from becoming snarky, he replied, "Yes. It's been brought to my attention that despite no longer having to pose as a faithful Death Eater I am still behaving like my old self."
"You mean distant, cold, and full of angst?" Remus asked as a boyish look filled his eyes.
"Precisely," Severus said while having to actively try not to grit his teeth. "I have been harboring old grudges against Potter and the lot of you for such a very long time. Seeing as how I cannot speak to the dead it seemed only reasonable to come and speak to you. I know it seems foolish, but I never did get over the events that happened at school or that night we all met at the pub," he paused, embarrassed, and finally put to words what he had only ever said to Dumbledore and Brixton Winchester, "I never stopped loving her, you know."
"Lily? Severus, that was years ago," for the third time a look of sheer surprise spread over Remus' face.
"I know exactly how long ago it was almost to the day. I don't need reminding," this was said through clenched teeth despite his best efforts.
"I'm sorry," Remus paused before speaking again, "I'm sorry, Severus. I truly am. I wasn't trying to mock your feelings; I was just surprised is all."
Still irritated, Severus snapped, "Well how long do you think it will take to get over your wife? I didn't know there was an expiration date on either love or grief." It was a low blow and even he knew it. He instantly regretted saying it as soon as he saw the look on Remus' face
"That's different…." Remus said softly and somewhat deflated.
"It's only 'different' because she returned your love. If she hadn't then you still might have continued loving her all the same. I shouldn't have said that about Tonks but you don't know what it's like. None of you ever did."
At that moment the kettle began to whistle loudly and Remus jumped up as though startled. He quietly went over to fill a large blue teapot and gathered the sugar and milk. He sat everything down between himself and Severus. Remus stared at the other man for a very long moment before saying, "I think I understand you a great deal more than you might imagine."
"What do you mean?" asked Severus who had all but given up on the conversation being fruitful by this point.
"I know what it's like to feel undeserving of love, or friendship for that matter, I just got luckier than you is all." He began pouring the tea and passed a cup over to Severus.
"Why do you say that I feel undeserving? What would you know about how I feel or don't?" this time it was Severus' eyebrows that rose slightly.
Remus sighed and said, "I didn't realize it back then. You know, back when we were at school. However, as an adult I realized that it takes a very hurt and lonely person to turn to the dark arts at such a young age. I know Lily was your only friend at school and I can't imagine how it must have felt to have that all taken away in an instant. You were no blood purity fanatical. You were just a kid who had been through a lot more than you should have at a young age. That part of it I can relate to. Not wanting to be alone. That's why I never stood up to James and Sirius properly… the way should have. I was scared that I would lose my best friends. I know I have never said this to you outright but I'm really sorry for never defending you like I should have. I'm especially sorry that I didn't stop them the night at the pub. I was a coward for that."
Severus didn't know what to say so he took a long sip from his cup and adjusted his cloak. After a while he said, "Thank you."
Remus nodded and drank from his own cup. It was quiet in the kitchen for several minutes as the two men just drank their tea. It seemed neither one of them quite knew what to say. Finally, Remus said "James was my friend and I miss him very much, but he was a bully and I should have done more. After two wars I learned that it is not enough to simply not join in. You have to try to stop cruelness every chance you get or the world just gets smaller and darker. If you have spent all these years being angry and cruel because James got Lily then you have allowed him to turn you into exactly what it was you hated in him."
The words cut through Severus like a knife. He could in no way deny being angry or cruel. He had never really seen himself as a bully at Hogwarts so much as demanding but having it laid out in such blunt terms it was undeniable. "I can't argue with that. I was already headed the wrong direction and instead of letting my friendship with Lily save me I let her love of Potter send me over the edge. I suspected that he only wanted her so that he could take what mattered to me the most away and I let that eat me up inside for so long. It was only after having to kill Dumbledore that I realized that I had been the fool all along. That I had set things in motion to make myself a pawn in a very evil game."
Remus sat his now empty cup down and filled it back up again before saying, "I understand though that that is what Dumbledore asked of you. That that is what he truly wanted."
"Yes, but it was in that moment that I somehow saw that everything was my fault all along. If I hadn't been so drawn to the dark arts I might not have ever pushed Lily away. I never even told her how I felt about her. Even if she never could have loved me back maybe I could have found some peace in life if I had let her talk me out of my poor choices. Then I might not have had to kill the second friend I ever made." Severus had never said those words out loud and had rarely thought them to himself. I should never reveal the best of you, Severus? Dumbledore's words filled his head and he fought back a shudder.
"I can't imagine." Remus said tersely.
"It's unbearable. I know it's what he wanted. He believed it was the only way, but it was the last thing that I wanted." Severus stared into his empty cup feeling very raw and vulnerable. After a long pause he said, "I was never good at making friends and I shouldn't have put the weight of my happiness on Lily's shoulders. It was wrong and selfish of me. Much like a lot of my actions have been over the years. It took killing my only friend and nearly dying to realize that. I am trying to do better though. I am trying to be better. While I can't say my old ways are entirely gone, I haven't berated or smacked any of my students this year so far." As the words fell from his lips a flash of what he had been doing with one particular student crossed his mind briefly before he pushed the thought away.
"That's good," said Remus in the kindest of tones, "Maybe if you can manage to forgive me then we can one day soon call each other friends."
This was an unexpected turn of events for Severus. He was taken aback and just stared into Remus' icy eyes with his mouth slightly open. His immediate reaction was to reject the offer and excuse himself. However, he was doing his best to go against his nature and be a better man. At any rate, had only been offered friendship without any strings attached once before and that moved him. Even Dumbledore hadn't given him that. "I'm not the best at being anyone's friend, but I would like to try," he said quietly. "I'm sorry for hexing you that night."
"What other choice did we really leave you, man? It was four on one. Yet, you bested us all," Remus said with a small smile.
"Well, Peter never was the most formidable of foes. If he hadn't lived as a bloody rat for two decades I would have killed him myself for betraying Lily." The two men shared a deep laugh that somehow lifted the mood of the room entirely. Afterwards Severus asked quietly, "Did he make her happy? Was he good to her?"
Looking Severus directly in the eyes, Remus said, "Yes. She was tremendously happy. She brought out the absolute best in James and he was on his way to becoming a better person himself before he died. She made an impact on him."
"It is a comfort knowing she was happy," Severus said quietly and looked out the window to see that more snow had begun to fall. Lily had always loved the snow, he thought.
"Might I ask a favor of you, Severus?" asked Remus tentatively.
"Well, if we are going to attempt being friends then I suppose that's as good a start as any," replied Severus.
Remus cleared his throat and said, "If you are trying to make amends to people you have wronged it would mean an awful lot to me if you could try to start with Neville Longbottom. He's a very good person and he's been petrified of you since his first year. You're even his boggart, you know."
Severus groaned and brought a hand up to squeeze the bridge of his nose, "No, I didn't know. I will tell you that this whole process has been… difficult to say the least. It started with one conversation and that led to another that led to another and I've reached my fill of sharing my deepest feelings with people. I think that this has been plenty for at least a year."
"Well, good thing the year's almost up, huh?" laughed Remus. "But, I am serious. Neville was a very sheepish boy that grew into an absolute hero. You should have seen the way he stood up to Voldemort there at the end. I'm sure that he deserves at the very least an apology for all your mockery."
"Fine, you are probably right. He has been on the receiving end of a lot of my misplaced anger. I actually needed to talk to him anyway. He is training with Professor Sprout to take over her job by next year. I hear he is very gifted in Herbology. I had already intended to ask him to triple the school's Wolfsbane supplies so that I can keep you stocked in your much needed potion. I think that he would find it a special project and that way it will end up costing the school next to nothing for me or Miss Winchester to keep brewing you large batches of the stuff. I had hoped to help better your circumstances," Severus said with a hint of excitement in his usually otherwise emotionless voice.
Remus' brow furrowed in confusion and he began pulling more jars out of the basket that still sat on the table. He picked up each one and held it to the light as though looking for some difference between jars. Finally, he said, "Yes, Brixton. You mentioned her before and I didn't really think much of it I was so taken aback by the large quantity of such an expensive and valuable potion. What does she have to do with any of this? Wolfsbane isn't even taught at Hogwarts unless I am mistaken."
Severus was thankful for his years of experience in hiding his emotions otherwise he would have probably just fled the kitchen altogether. He was a natural at avoiding conversations he didn't want to be part of. Instead, he said, "That is true. However, she is a highly gifted potions brewer. The best I've ever seen. She is better than I was or even Lily and we both were pretty talented ourselves. Longbottom isn't the only one training to be a professor at Hogwarts. Miss Winchester is working with me extensively with the intentions of taking over my position next year. If she does well, which I already feel confident that she will, I will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts next year."
"Hmm," said Remus, "I hadn't pictured her going into potions. I would have thought her to be an Auror or something of the like."
"I agree that she would do well at that if she put her mind to it," replied Severus, "but she seems to fancy the quiet of the dungeons and insists that potion brewing is her absolute passion. I won't be the one to stand in her way of it."
"Well," answered the other man, "I think you will do well in the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. I always thought you could teach it from a perspective that very few others could. You also could potentially help steer students away from the same dark path you once walked. It would be a great service to the children for you teach them in that."
"Thank you, Remus. I appreciate your hospitality. I think I should be going now. I don't have any experience with babies but I imagine you might like some time to yourself before he wakes up." Severus said his eyes fixed on the door.
"Actually, Severus… it has been really nice talking to you. I can't thank you enough for the Wolfsbane Potions. They will be a godsend. It gets lonely here with just Teddy and I. Maybe you could pay me a visit again soon?" he asked.
"Yes, that would be nice. Especially since we seem to have cleared the air as they say. It would be pleasant if we might just visit without all the melodrama. I've never been good at making friends, but I suppose you have already seen the worst of me." Severus said feeling a little guilty that he had harbored such a grudge against the man despite their years working in the Order together.
Remus gave Severus a smile and said, "We all have demons and it seems like you are doing your best to vanquish yours. That is a difficult thing to do and it says a lot about your character."
The two men said their goodbyes and it wasn't long before Severus found himself outside in the snow. He lifted the hood of his cloak and decided that he needed a good walk after such an intense and emotional conversation. He wasn't good at casual conversation to begin with, so this was far more than the man had bargained for. He hadn't expected such an easy reconciliation. He had expected Remus to be standoffish at best. He hadn't in his wildest dreams expected the offer of friendship. Leaving 12 Grimmauld Place Severus felt much lighter and as though he had shaken off some dark spirit that had been plaguing him for years. It was a good feeling and it gave him hope.