Author's Note: Hey, guys! I took the votes from here and AO3 to determine the winner of Viewers' Choice. The poll was so back and forth last week, I had to write two versions of the chapter (and I had a blast doing so!). Thanks to all who participated! :D
Big Brother: South Park Edition
Week 4 – "The Week Where It's Viewers' Choice" (Part 2)
Kyle Broflovski
Heartbroken Mess
I didn't sleep at all last night and I threw up twice this morning, so this was definitely the worst night I've had here so far. I wish it was just noon already, so I can finally see if my life is over.
…
Wendy Testaburger
Single Sane Houseguest
Kyle and I have been spending a lot of time together lately. I like him. He's great company, and it feels nice to really get to know him again. We're lot more alike than I originally thought.
…
Early that morning, Wendy and Kyle are sitting on the bed in the HOH room, sorting through the snacks in Wendy's basket, hoping to distract themselves from the impending doom that is coming this afternoon. "Are you worried?" Wendy speaks, setting a bag of trail mix on the mattress as she stares up at him.
"Yes, I don't think I've ever been so anxious," Kyle answers blatantly. He shudders, "God, is this how Tweek feels all the time? I feel like my heart is going to fly out of my chest."
Wendy nods, pausing slightly as a haunting thought creeps up in her mind, "You don't think Token would bring everyone anyway, do you?"
"I doubt he's that evil," Kyle sighs, "But, honestly, anything is possible."
…
Kyle Broflovski
Heartbroken Mess
Token just called us to the foyer, and everyone is super anxious because we have no idea who's going to be walking through that door.
…
"Alright, everyone. It's time to reveal which one of you won Viewers' Choice," Token's cheery voice announces as he stands, in person, in front of the seven housemates, all of them looking like they'd rather be anywhere but in the Big Brother house right now, "As you know, whoever received the most votes from the viewers will be forced to spend all day handcuffed to their ex, but, tell me, what fun would it be if only one of you had to suffer through the atrocities of having an ex in the house?"
"Oh God, I do not like where he is going with this…" Craig shudders.
"That's right!" Token beams, "Cause what I didn't tell you yesterday is that any houseguest who receives one or more votes is going to have their ex visit the Big Brother house today."
"WHAT?!" Kyle cries as Wendy flashes a troubled expression next to him, the redhead's heart sinking in his chest, "But-but you said whoever they picked-"
"-would have to spend all day handcuffed to their ex, yes," Token completes, "And since everyone received votes, you all have to put up with them," Token states, pausing slightly as the houseguests start voicing their complaints beside him, "Hey, I'm being nice here; I'm only making the winning houseguest spend all day handcuffed to their ex. Aren't I the sweetest?"
"Oh God. I think I'm going to pass out," Cartman mutters, his head spinning.
"Perfect! So let me explain a little bit more how this works before I reveal the results of the poll," Token announces, sounding like he is having the time of his life, "Whoever won Viewers' Choice will be handcuffed to their ex until midnight tomorrow. The winning HOH will be given a key to unlock them at today's HOH competition, so whoever won Viewers' Choice better hope that they have a good relationship with the newest HOH, or else they could be stuck with their ex a little longer than they anticipated."
Cartman rolls his eyes, "Fantastic," he mumbles as Kyle frantically shakes beside him, hugging his thin, trembling body, "Are you done, asswipe?"
"Yes," Token answers smugly, "So, let's get to it now, shall we?" The housemates gasp as Kyle takes off running down the hallway. "What happened?" he wonders, a few of the housemates blocking his view.
"Broflovski ran," Clyde replies with a shrug.
"Damn it! Wendy, go get him," Token instructs. Wendy looks over at him and nods before starting the task. Token sighs, "Somehow I knew we were going to have a runner."
A few minutes later, Wendy returns, a distraught Kyle reluctantly trailing her. He crosses his arms and glares at Token, his eyes red as he sniffs back a tear.
"Okay, so, here we go!" Token beams as enthusiastically as possible. The housemates flinch when they hear someone ring the doorbell, "Tweek," Token states, narrowing in on the twitchiest housemate. Tweek shrieks when Token calls on him, "I haven't messed with you enough this season, so why don't you answer the door?"
"Ack! Gah! Uh, no thank you," Tweek squeaks, barely getting the words out as he holds his quivering self, "I'm good here."
"Nonsense!" Token beams, giving a hearty chuckle, "Go answer the door and unleash some fun into your housemates' lives."
"Nuh-uh," Tweek responds, frantically shaking his head as he continues to shiver.
Token sighs as Craig pats the blonde gently on the back before making a beeline to the door, "Tweek, I swear to God-CRAIG! DON'T YOU DARE ANSWER THAT DOOR FOR HIM!"
Craig rolls his eyes as he grabs the doorknob. He looks up, giving Token the finger with his free hand as he twists open the handle.
"That's right, everyone!" Token exclaims, hoping to sneak one last introduction in before the winner is revealed, "The winning victim-I mean, housemate-is…drumroll please…"
"Well, hiya, Craig!" Richard Tweak greets, giving a joyous wave to his son's boyfriend as he stands in the doorway holding a small suitcase.
Craig groans, "Oh no…"
"Look, son. It's Craig!" Mr. Tweak beams, gesturing enthusiastically at the noirette as he stares at his offspring.
Tweek sighs, already feeling the frustration building up inside him, "I know, Dad."
"Welcome Mr. Tweak, and let me be the first to congratulate your son on winning Viewers' Choice this week!" Token states once Mr. Tweak enters into the house and joins the others in the foyer. He grins as he stands next to Tweek, who looks like he is about to vomit.
"Well, I'm just happy that there's so many people out there who love gay coffee," Mr. Tweak replies, the housemates and host already struggling to understand what he's going on about, "It's like I always tell Tweek: people like people who like other people, but nothing beats the power of a good cup of joe…except we don't serve joe, that brand is too expensive," he states with a smile, Tweek's brain throbbing next to him.
"Um…right. Of course," Token says, not sure what exactly to say to that as Craig joins Tweek and his father in the center of the foyer, "Okay, Mr. Tweak, before you came into the house, I gave you a pair of handcuffs. I'm going to need you to clip one to your wrist and one to Tweek's wrist. Opposite hands cause that's the easiest way to do this," Token adds, watching as Mr. Tweak gives a nod and pulls the handcuffs out of his pocket.
Tweek groans as his father handcuffs them together; Cartman snickers into his palm behind them, "Man, what a cockblock. That sucks for you, Craig," he says, the noirette raising an eyebrow at him.
"Don't worry, son," Mr. Tweak speaks, "You can still do gay stuff with your boyfriend. You'll still have one hand free, not to mention your mouth-"
"Oh my God, Dad, stop!" Tweek pleads, turning beat red as he facepalms with his free hand, Craig frowning next to him. Craig wraps an arm around Tweek, pulling him close to his chest, careful not to drag his father with him.
"This is already going great so far, so let's bring in the exes!" Token blares, "I'm going to let them in one by one, so that they can introduce themselves. All of you other houseguests must stay in the same room as your ex until midnight, except when one of you has to go to the bathroom. Tweek, that exception goes for you and your father as well. I'm not that cruel," Token adds.
"You're not?" Craig mutters.
Token huffs into the crowd, "And don't just lock yourself in the bathroom all day to avoid them, cause then I'll take away those privileges from everyone," he states, choosing to dismiss the sass, "Now turn your attention towards the door as the lovely Heidi Turner makes her entrance!"
Everyone turns towards the door, the fatass rolling his eyes as his ex-girlfriend steps in through the doorway. She stops in place and waves both hands at the housemates, "Hi, everyone!" she beams with her best cutesy voice, "It's great to see all of you."
Cartman shakes his head and huffs, "Well, there she is: the bitch herself," he moans, "I'm surprised you're actually on time for once. Usually you're an hour late."
"Eric, come on, can't we just be civil?" Heidi wonders, doing her best to suppress her anger into a tiny, little ball as she walks towards him. Cartman cups a hand over his mouth, making bass drum noises for each individual step she takes.
"Obviously not," Kyle mutters, watching as Heidi stands between him and the fatass.
"Kyle," Heidi gives a nod, barely acknowledging his existence while she turns towards the door, "Where's your farting skank?" she huffs.
"Don't worry; she's coming," Token states, before Kyle can get a word in, "But first, here's everyone's favorite diabetic lisper…Scott Malkinson!" he boisterously announces.
One person loosely claps as Scott enters the room. "Bebe! It's great to meet you in person!" Scott beams, racing over and hugging Heidi.
"Geez, Scott. What show were you watching?" Cartman remarks.
"Uh…Scott, that's not Bebe. Bebe's the blonde who isn't vigorously latching onto their boyfriend," Token tells him.
"Oh. Sorry," Scott Malkinson says, quickly stepping away from Heidi.
"That's okay," Heidi replies, "It's not the worst hug I've ever had," she quips, shooting a glare at Cartman.
A young woman with short, blonde hair walks over to the group. She stops in place and gives a small wave to the crowd, "Hey, guys. I'm Charlene," she greets, pausing slightly when she sees everyone's blank expressions, "You know, Craig's ex?" she elaborates.
"Oh, yeah!" Clyde coos, pretending that he remembers her along with the others, "…Huh," he states, waiting until after she passes by him to lean into Craig, "Dude, you totally have a type. She looks like Tweek," he whispers, raising both of his eyebrows smugly.
"What? No, she doesn't," Craig snorts, discreetly peering at her over his shoulder, "You don't know what you're talking about."
Charlene walks up and stops beside Tweek, noticing his shirt is the same color as her sundress. "Hey, nice outfit," she compliments with a smile, "I like the color."
"Thanks," Tweek beams.
Craig turns to the side, staring back and forth between them while Clyde continues sporting the biggest shit-eating grin on the planet. "You were saying?"
Craig sighs and stares straight ahead, "I still don't see it," he grumbles.
"Oh my God!" Charlene cries, spotting the shiny, silver contraption sitting on the kitchen island, "Is that a Grindmaster 5000?!"
Clyde stands up straighter, flashing a pompous expression. Craig facepalms.
"Hi, Clyde!" Lisa Berger greets, pulling her ex into a warm hug, "It's nice to see you again. You look great," she says, pulling back from the hug and holding him at arms' length. A few feet away, Bebe swallows as she watches them, a tight knot forming in the pit of her stomach.
"Don't say shit like that; he'll get a swelled head," Cartman grunts.
Lisa chuckles and turns to the side, taking her position next to her ex.
"Ignore him, Lisa. It's good to have you back," Token says, before pausing for dramatic effect, "Now, to remind you of how nice I truly am, the person who placed last in the poll won't have to spend all day with their ex. And would you look at that? It's me!" Token reveals after taking a halfhearted glance at his phone, "What a shame I won't have to put with any more of you peoples' shenanigans today. Congratulations, Wendy!"
Wendy nods, smiling slightly, even though she can feel the tension ricocheting off the redhead standing beside her, "Oh, um…thanks?"
Clyde steps up behind Token and glances curiously over his shoulder, "Your phone says it was a three-way tie."
Token eyes widen as he quickly snaps his hand over the blabbermouth brunette. "Shh!" Token hushes. He turns, seeing all the houseguest shooting him death glares. Token rolls his eyes, "Alright, fine," he caves, "I'll let the other two last-place finishers choose if they want to see their exes or not, cause Wendy already told me earlier that she doesn't care either way if I spend the day with her. So, Clyde and Bebe, what do you guys think? You wanna spend the day with your exes?"
Clyde nods, "Yeah, I wanna spend time with Lisa," he beams.
"And I don't mind if Scott stays either," Bebe tells the host, "It'd be kinda awkward to ask him to leave seeing as he's already here…"
"Fair enough," Token replies. Kyle gulps, feeling his legs turn to jello as he looks towards the open doorway, knowing exactly what is coming next. "Well, that's it, everyone! Enjoy your day with your exes! I'll be back for the HOH competition this afternoon. Until then, try not to kill each other – or do, it might be good for ratings."
"Wait, that's it?" Kyle states, a bit of life returning to his voice as he dares to be hopeful for once, "There isn't anyone left?"
"Nope," Token states, flashing a devious smirk that most of the housemates miss entirely, "You're all free to go live your lives," he says, watching as some of the houseguests begin to disperse into other areas of the house with their exes, "Oh, Kyle? Can you get the door?"
"Uh, sure. I guess," Kyle states with a shrug.
He walks into the hallway, stopping in place when he finds himself face-to-face with Douchebag, who has just quietly entered the house. Kyle stares into her eyes, frozen in shock as he hears his heart pounding in his chest, the pair standing about ten feet away from each other.
Douchebag carefully lifts her hand up and waves, her expression soft and unmoving.
"Oh, uh, hi," Kyle greets, surprised he even has the strength to blush lightly at the greeting.
Douchebag steps towards him, causing Kyle to let out a pathetic whimper and fall backwards, passing out on the floor. "…!" Douchebag's eyes widen as she races over to Kyle in concern, kneeling over him as she stares down at his face. She reaches forward and grabs his wrist, quickly checking for a pulse.
"Uh oh. Did Broflovski pass out?" Token interjects as he steps back into the room; Douchebag nods, "I had a feeling that would happen. That's why we put down a carpet. Hang on, let's get medical on the scene," Token states, giving a huff as he shakes his head at the fainted contestant, "Unbelievable," he mutters as some of the other houseguests enter the scene to see what's transpiring.
"Now wait just a minute, Token," Cartman huffs, reluctantly hobbling after Heidi, "Are you sure Kahl's not just faking this for attention?" Douchebag shoots him a death glare; Cartman shrugs, "What? I'm just saying it's a possibility! After all, Kiel is such a drama queen. One time, when everyone at school ignored him for a day, he seriously thought that he died. It was hilarious."
"That was you, fatass!" Kyle fires from the carpet.
"Kahl, you're alive!" Cartman beams.
"I know," Kyle rolls his eyes as he slowly comes to, "You must be so sad about that."
"Actually, I'm ecstatic, but I'll pretend I'm sad for your sake."
"Progress," Clyde whispers, nudging Craig playfully in the side with his elbow. Craig nudges him back, causing Clyde to fall to the floor with a thud.
Wendy leans forward and extends her hand out to Kyle. He smiles, flushing slightly as he takes it. "Thank you," he squeaks, once Wendy successfully pulls him up. Kyle turns to the side, eyeing Douchebag, who is still watching him carefully, a worried expression spread across her face. Kyle brings his fist up to his mouth and awkwardly clears his throat.
Five minutes later, Tweek is standing in the kitchen with his father, struggling to open a jar of pickles with his one free hand, Richard giving him unhelpful tips as he does so. "Now Tweek, remember what Dr. Norris said. The key to opening a jar is to become one with it."
"Dr. Norris never said that!" Tweek cries, throwing the jar down on the kitchen counter in frustration, the sound of the impact catching Craig's attention from across the room. Tweek shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to find his center – something that Dr. Norris actually did tell him.
Craig walks into the kitchen, Charlene trailing him. "Here," Craig states, picking up the jar and tugging on the sides of the lid. Craig sweatdrops as it doesn't budge, all three sets of eyes now on him. "Shit. Hang on, I got this." Charlene raises an eyebrow next to him. After a few moments of cursing and straining, Craig sighs, setting the jar defeatedly on the counter, "Wow, there must be some serious voodoo magic shit going on here. The jar is probably cursed-" Craig pauses, stopping himself slightly when he eyes the terrified look on Tweek's face, "-But, you know, in a good way, to lock in the flavor."
Charlene rolls her eyes, picks up the jar, and twists it open in one swift motion. She hands it back to Tweek. "It's all in the wrist," she states with a smile as the couple gaze at her in astonishment. She steps back a bit, feeling rather awkward, "Uh, I'm just going to go over there now," she adds, gesturing vaguely over her shoulder.
"Ah, so it's all in the wrist, huh?" Richard states, rubbing his chin ponderously, "Just like a hand job."
"-And I lost my appetite. Thanks, Dad," Tweek grumbles, setting the jar back on the counter.
"Aww...come here, babe," Craig coos, pulling Tweek into a side hug, doing his best to ignore the set of eyes staring at them as they press their lips together.
Richard scrunches his forehead as he takes a step closer to them, examining the couple carefully, "Come on son, you gotta use more tongue than that! Really work those muscles!" he beams.
Tweek quickly pulls away from Craig, equally disturbed and pissed off by his father's comment, his face as distorted as Richard's sense of morality, "That's it; I have to do it," Tweek declares bluntly, "I have to gnaw my own arm off." Tweek turns to his left and starts biting at his shoulder.
"Tweek, no," Craig states, some emotion surprisingly present in his flat tone.
Richard raises his eyebrow curiously as he watches his son bite at his shoulder. After thirty seconds of struggling to even make a tear through his sleeve, Tweek sighs and gives up, "Damn it! I can't even get through my shirt," he cries, slouching forward in defeat, before turning to his boyfriend, "Craig, the fabric is too thick. You do it."
Craig turns towards him, gazing at his boyfriend sympathetically. He sighs, "I'm not going to gnaw your arm off, babe."
…
Fifteen minutes later, Craig and Charlene are sitting on one of the living room sofas, staring off into space, a few awkward conversations trickled in between long lapses of silence. "So…you're gay," Charlene speaks suddenly as she stares at the carpet.
"Yep," Craig answers, giving a light nod.
"And the blonde guy with the creepy father and the good fashion sense is your boyfriend?"
"Yep."
"Oh," Charlene states, staring behind Craig's shoulder and taking a glance at Tweek, who is standing across the room yelling at his father, "Honestly, I'm kinda surprised you are, considering you were always hanging out with that blonde chick."
Tweek perks up slightly at this comment. He turns to Craig, mouthing, "Who?"
"You," Craig mouths back, before redirecting his attention to Charlene, "No, that was him."
"Oh, so you've been gay for a while then, huh?" she wonders.
Craig nods, letting out a large sigh that he didn't even know he was holding, "You have no idea," he mutters. "So, uh, what about you? Are you still straight?" he asks flatly.
"Um, yeah. I have a fiancé, actually," Charlene replies, reaching into her purse and pulling out a photo. She hands it to the stoic, "See?"
Craig glances down at the photo, completely oblivious to the fact that Tweek, Richard, Lisa, and Clyde are all gathered behind the sofa, staring at the picture as well. The photo shows bubbly, smiley Charlene dressed in a baby blue sundress with her arms around a tall, black-haired, stern-looking man.
"Dude," Clyde speaks up from behind them, saying what most of the others are thinking, "he looks like Craig. Creepy…this is like an episode of The Twilight Zone."
Craig snaps his neck around and glares at the brunette, "Will you get out of here?" he barks, before quickly handing the photo back to its owner, "But I will agree, your fiancé is attractive."
"I never said that," Clyde mutters, "I just said he looked like you-oww!" Clyde cries, rubbing the spot on his bicep where Craig just punched him.
A few minutes later, Craig is standing with Tweek and Richard near the backdoor of the Big Brother house, watching as Charlene makes herself a cup of coffee with Clyde and Lisa sitting at the dining table nearby. "So, what do you think about her?" Craig asks his boyfriend.
"She seems nice," Tweek states with a grin.
"Yeah, but I still can't figure out why I dated her. There must've been some reason…"
"Eek! Is that a spider?!" Charlene shrieks, scurrying back from the island and pointing frighteningly at the creature, "Those are so poisonous! What if it's out to get me?! Eeee! I'm too young to die!" Charlene crouches down and cowers next to Tweek, who is now equally freaking out next to her, the pair hugging each other for dear life as they scream at the top of their lungs.
Clyde gets up from his seat at the table and smugly leans up against the back wall, crossing his arms as he gives a knowing smirk to his best friend, "Man, Craig. You really do have type."
…
Thirty minutes later, Bebe is sitting on one of the living room sofas, looking like she is bored out of her mind as Scott Malkinson continues blabbing on about the wonders of diabetes next to her. Finally, after what seems like hours, Scott redirects the topic to something way more tolerable, "So Bebe, what kind of things do you like?"
Bebe exhales, giving a small smile as she prepares to dive into some of her hobbies, "Well, there's-"
"-I like diabetes," Scott Malkinson answers quickly, "Well, I don't like having it, per se, but it's a huge part of my identity."
"Really?" Bebe hisses, trying her best to stay under control, "I hadn't noticed."
"JESUS CHRIST, HEIDI! WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?! I CAN'T GO FIVE SECONDS WITHOUT YOU BREATHING DOWN MY NECK!" Cartman shouts, storming onto the premises, Heidi trailing him like a little bird. Everyone in the room immediately turns to them, settling in to watch the show.
"We're supposed to stay in the same room, Eric! I'm just following what Token said!" Heidi fires.
"Just admit it, Heidi, you came here to make me suffer! Causing me distress is your bread and butter! And I just so happen to know that you don't have a gluten allergy!" Cartman barks, matter-of-factly, as he folds his arms over his chubby torso.
Heidi huffs, clenching her fists at her sides, "Why do you always think I'm out to get you? Can't you see it's over? I've moved on, Eric! I want nothing to do with you! I only came here to get my money. You really think I want to spend all afternoon with a lard ass?"
"Oh, that is it, Heidi!" Cartman yells, flames in his eyes, "Say bye-bye to your little parents! Cause the next time you see them, they'll be staring at you from your bowl of chili!" he threatens, his dark tone causing a chill to run down the other housemates' spines.
Heidi rolls her eyes, waving this off like it's a gnat, "Oh, please. You've said that ten times throughout our relationship. When are you finally going to follow through with it?" she sasses, hands on her hips, "You're always all talk and no action."
"Holy shit," Clyde mutters from his place standing behind Bebe, "She's as evil as Cartman," he states, grabbing Lisa's hand and giving it a squeeze, "Come on, Lisa. Let's get out of here before they see us." Lisa nods.
Bebe watches as Clyde leads Lisa into the hallway. She blinks twice, a strange, unfamiliar tinge of jealousy forming in the pit of her stomach as Cartman and Heidi get into a rather heated screaming match in front of her.
…
"-And that was when I decided that I wanted to enroll in culinary arts school," Lisa completes, giving a small smile as she finishes her story, sitting on one of the unoccupied beds in the boys room with Clyde a few minutes after they escaped from the living room.
Clyde nods, seemingly impressed by her thorough response. "Wow, that's awesome, Lisa. I'm really happy for you. It sounds like you've found your calling," he beams, "After I finished my Business degree, I just moved back in with my dad," he sighs, picking at his nails. He looks up as Lisa places a reassuring hand over them.
"There's nothing wrong with that, Clyde. I think it's really great that you're helping out your dad. Not everyone would be nice enough to do that."
"Yeah, I guess," Clyde snorts, biting his lip slightly, "But, I don't know, ever since I was little, I had my whole life planned out, and I guess now I'm disappointed cause it's not looking at all like I thought it would be. I mean, I'm in my early twenties, I'm still single, I'm living with my father…honestly, part of me is surprised I even graduated college."
"But you did," Lisa reminds him with a grin, "And you should be really proud of your accomplishments."
Clyde smiles as he gazes up at his friend, "Man, Lisa, why did I ever dump you?"
"Cause we were ten?" Lisa quips, giving a small laugh, before her mouth shifts to a smirk, "Besides, I'm pretty sure it was me who dumped you, Clyde. It was a stand against all boys, remember?"
Clyde laughs, "I remember. I was crying for weeks," he playfully confesses.
…
An hour later, Tweek and his father are sitting side by side at the dining room table, eating lunch together, which, in the typical Tweak manner, consists of nothing more than fifteen cups of coffee, the mugs sprawled out carelessly on the hardwood surface. Tweek sighs, twitching anxiously as he nervously fiddles with the silver handcuff clasped around his wrist.
"Son," Richard speaks up suddenly, after fifty glorious seconds of quiet, "we gotta talk about this whole gay thing."
Tweek faceplants on the table, already cringing at the awkwardness that is about to ensue, "Oh God…"
"It's just-I don't think you're putting out enough on national television, Tweek," Richard explains. Tweek lets out an elongated, distressful groan, banging his head softly on the table, "Don't get me wrong, I mean, seven times is nothing to sneeze at, especially when coffee is involved, but don't be afraid to really explore all your sexual urges," he states encouragingly to his mortified son, "Why, when I was your age, your mother and I were screwing like rabbits. I remember one time when we ran out of protection, we just took a coffee filter and-"
Tweek growls, snapping his head up to glare into his eyes, hoping to bore some sense into his father's gelatinous brain, "Dad, for the love of God, please stop."
"-and wait until you hear what we did with the coffee grinder…" Richard beams.
Tweek throws his head back as he shrieks at the ceiling, gripping onto the side of the table with his one free hand to keep himself from breaking, "THIS IS WHY I'M NOT WELL-ADJUSTED!"
Nearby, Token is in the living room, scanning the area for any potential drama when his cell phone dings in his pocket. The host retrieves it, his face filling with shock as he unlocks the screen and reads the message on his device. "Well, this changes things a bit," Token states, the loudness of his voice causing several of the housemates to peer in his direction. Token sighs as he walks over to Tweek and his father, "Tweek, I've just received word that you didn't win Viewers' Choice…it was actually Cartman, so we're going to uncuff you now."
"Really?!" Tweek squeaks, almost falling over in excitement as he springs up out of his seat, the rest of the houseguests gathering around him, "Oh, thank God!"
"…and we're going to handcuff Heidi to Cartman," Token completes, turning to the fatass behind him and flashing a shit-eating smirk.
Cartman snaps his fingers, "Goddammit!"
"That's right, fatass. Enjoy the freedom while you still can," Token gloats, before turning back to the twitchy blonde and uncuffing him with the key. Tweek rubs his wrist and takes two gigantic steps away from his father the second the handcuffs come off. Craig joins him by his side, "Tweek, since I wrongly cuffed you to your father for two hours, you can either take five hundred dollars as compensation or punch me in the stomach."
Tweek swings forward and instantly punches him in the gut; Token winces.
Craig smiles, "Good choice, babe."
"Token," Cartman states, cautiously backing away from the host as he slowly approaches him and Heidi with the handcuffs, the fatass frantically waving his hands in front of his torso, "Don't do this. It doesn't have to be this way! You can still save your parents!"
"Sorry, Cartman, but according to the public, it does," Token smirks, before leaning forward and snapping the handcuffs onto Cartman and Heidi's wrists, his stomach still throbbing from Tweek's killer punch, "Have fun," he winks.
Cartman locks eyes with Heidi and groans. He turns back towards the wall, shakes his head, and mutters under his breath as he stews in his now-broken personal bubble, "God, I hate him so much."
…
Fifteen minutes later, Kyle and Douchebag are sitting awkwardly in the boys room, the pair not having said a word to each other since the incident in the foyer. They are sitting on parallel beds, facing one another. "So, um…it's great to see you, I guess," Kyle states, feeling like he is taking a shot in the dark with his ex.
Douchebag nods, her eyes still glued to the floor.
Kyle sighs, "What happened to us, Dee?" he wonders, asking more for his own sanity than wanting a genuine answer. Douchebag shrugs.
Kyle eyes widen. He leans forward in anticipation as he sees his ex-girlfriend opening her mouth. All of a sudden, a horrendous shout blares from the living room. The pair spring up from their mattresses, "What the hell was that?!" he cries.
Douchebag and Kyle race into the living room, just in time to see Scott Malkinson getting whisked away on a hospital stretcher, all of the remaining housemates gathered in the center of the living room, watching in worry. Token tisks as he watches the medical team wheel Scott out the front walkway, the host dressed in typical summer attire: a t-shirt, shorts, and sandals. "Man, we've had a lot of incidents today."
Cartman crosses his arms, "Well, what did you expect when you invited our exes?" he huffs, still fuming from his fight with Heidi.
"Uh, is Scott going to be okay?" Kyle wonders, hoping to get up to speed with whatever the hell just happened.
"What? Oh, yeah, he'll be fine," Token answers when he narrows in on the redhead, "He just had some diabetic shock. The medical team just gave him some glucagon. Now," Token announces, clapping his hands together, "let's head to the backyard to begin the most important HOH competition to date!" he exclaims, hoping to add some pep back into the house.
…
Kyle Broflovski
Heartbroken Mess
As scary as the whole Scott situation was, I really don't want to be put on the block again. So, I just gotta put this whole Douchebag thing behind me for a moment, stay focused, and make sure I win this competition by any means necessary. Wish me luck.
…
"Hello, everyone, and welcome to today's HOH competition!" Token states once everyone has successfully gathered in the backyard in front of the swimming pool, "Wendy, as outgoing HOH, you are ineligible to compete this week," Token reminds Wendy, who is sitting off on the shaded side of the backyard in a lounge chair. Wendy smiles and gives a small wave to the cameras, "Because your exes and Tweek's father are here, this competition is going to be a little bit different than usual."
"Please tell me it's not going to be, like, a make-out competition or something," Bebe mutters.
"Um, no. That would be wrong, and Craig would kill me," Token replies, quick to dismiss the housemate's worry, "Now, for today's competition, you and your partner must stand on a single platform above the water. But, I must warn you, this platform is small, and in order for both of you to stay on it, you have to hang on to each other for dear life," Token explains with a smile, "Whoever drops last is the new HOH. This competition may last ten minutes, or it could last all night. Since I'm oh-so-nice, and to give everyone a fair shot, Cartman and Heidi will be uncuffed for this competition."
"Thank God!" Cartman cries as Token walks over and uncuffs him and Heidi with the key.
Token turns back to the group, "For this challenge, I recommend changing into bathing suits cause a lot of you are going to get wet."
"Man, Kenny would've had a field day with this," Clyde comments.
"I know, that's why we purposely waited to do this one, so he wouldn't lunge," Token casually replies, "One more thing, since Scott Malkinson went into a state of diabetic shock and we had no time to replace him, Bebe will have to compete in the competition with Clyde, which means Clyde will now have two partners and will be simultaneously competing for both himself and Bebe."
"Why don't you just do the competition with her?" Craig wonders.
"Because I'm wearing Gucci sandals."
Tweek raises his hand, "Do they even make Gucci sandals for men?"
Token shifts his eyes and clears his throat, "Moving on…I'll give everyone ten minutes to change and to take your positions on your platforms."
Ten minutes later, all of the housemates, minus the outgoing HOH Wendy, are standing on their platforms above the swimming pool as Token paces the floor below them, making sure everyone is properly situated before they begin the challenge. Token stops in front of Cartman and Heidi, who are standing six inches apart on a twelve-inch platform, and peers up at them, "Guys, if you want to win this challenge, you two are going to have to get closer," Token informs them.
"Gross!" Heidi shudders, pulling herself into a hug, "I don't want to hold Eric!"
Token cocks his eyebrow, "Well, you should've thought of that before you dated him," he quips.
Craig nose laughs as he shakes his head at the dig, "That's brutal, Token."
"Ugh, fine," Heidi caves, inching a bit closer to Cartman and looping her arm around his, "But this is only because I don't want to be the first one out."
"Speaking of being out…Tweek," Token says, turning to the blonde with a smirk, before stopping suddenly, "Wait, wrong person…Cartman," Token names instead, "even though you and Heidi have only been handcuffed together for about a half an hour, how's it been being strapped to your ex?"
"Token," Cartman begins, releasing a dramatic sigh, "I can honestly say it's been nothing short of pure torture. And actually, I think pure torture would be more pleasurable than this."
"Spoken like a true asshole," Craig quips.
Cartman snaps his neck as he turns to the stoic, "What?"
Craig smirks, "You heard what I said."
"Alright, everyone. I hope you're all comfortable because this competition starts now!" Token declares, once he successfully reaches the end of the line, "I find it interesting that all of guys have chosen to stay in their same outfits, but all of the girls have opted to change into swimsuits except Douchebag, who is still wearing her classic, over-sized sweater," he adds, matter-of-factly.
Heidi rolls her eyes at the clouds, "Cause heaven forbid she looks like a girl for two seconds."
Douchebag glares at her.
Fifteen minutes later, all six of the pairs are still standing on their platforms. Tweek and Cartman are reluctantly hanging onto their partners while the rest of their housemates seem unfazed by having to do so, minus Kyle, who is bashfully turning away from the crowd as he holds Douchebag.
Cartman laughs, sensing the Jew's discomfort. "Oop. Kyle popped a boner," he smirks.
Kyle snaps his neck around and snarls at him, "Shut up, fatass!"
"You know," Richard begins, Tweek flinching beside him as he feels another metaphorical ramble coming on, "this reminds me of the story of when I first got into the coffee business-"
Tweek, finally having had enough of his father's shenanigans and stories that never seem to go anywhere, pulls his hand back and shoves him off the platform. "Oops. Sorry, Dad!" Tweek states after Richard flails off the side of the platform like a guppy and lands face-first into the water. Tweek jumps in shortly afterwards.
"Tweek and going down first. Name a more iconic duo," Token quips from the sidelines. Tweek glares at the host as he pulls himself out of the pool.
"Hey, Bebe," Heidi chimes after a moment of quiet concentration, "I heard David broke up with you."
"Now really isn't the time to discuss this," Bebe mutters, not even bothering to make eye contact with her ex-friend, her arms still wrapped around Clyde.
"Why not?" Cartman counters, "We've got nothing else to entertain ourselves with!"
"I don't see why this even concerns you, Heidi," Bebe responds, choosing to ignore Cartman, "It's not like you ever dated him."
"True, but that's only because I didn't want to," Heidi boastfully reminds her; Bebe rolls her eyes, "He did have a massive crush on me, and he was the only person who liked me in elementary who wasn't a pathetic loser," she adds as she flashes Kyle a malicious smirk.
Kyle's eyes trail sorrowfully to the swimming pool; he sighs. Next to him, Douchebag looks like she is about to slap someone as she narrows her eyes at the brown-haired instigator. She lifts her hand up and pinches Kyle's nostrils shut.
"Dee, wh-what are you doing?" Kyle falters, his voice as nasally as Craig's. Kyle hears her body rumble, "Oh no," he mutters.
Douchebag clenches her core slightly before releasing the smelliest fart that the houseguests have ever had the misfortune of smelling and aiming it straight at Heidi. Heidi shrieks and starts frantically waving her hands in front of her face, the odor so foul that it causes her eyes to sting. Several of the other housemates immediately plug their noses, hoping to salvage what's left of their clean air. A few of them cough into their palms.
"Oh my God, it smells like death!" Heidi cries, hacking a few more times into her hand, "What? Did you eat twenty burritos beforehand?" Kyle smirks as Heidi continues to freak out about the odor, before eventually caving and hopping off the platform, so she can find some clean air.
"Goddammit, Heidi!" Cartman curses as she races into the house.
"And just like that, Heidi and Cartman are out!" Token announces, still pinching the bridge of his nose shut, "But please," he states, eyeing a beaming Douchebag, "don't do that again." Douchebag nods and shoots him the OK gesture. Kyle looks over to her while she is staring at the host, shooting a touching smile in her direction.
An hour later, both of the fallen pairs and Wendy are sitting off at the side of the house as they watch the four remaining teams go at it, Cartman looking positively miserable as he is reattached to his ex-girlfriend. Token smiles as he claps his hands together, gazing up at the competitors, the air clean and fresh around him after the help of thirty household fans positioned around the lawn, "Alright. How is everybody doing?"
Clyde grins, starry-eyed as he stands smack dab in the center of Bebe and Lisa, the two of him clinging onto him on either side, "Not gonna lie. I'm in Heaven, Token," he beams.
"Great. Now let's bring on the thunderstorm!" Token announces, an evil glint in his eyes as he dramatically shoots his arms up.
Fake thunder noises rumble from the loudspeakers above the participants. The contestants groan as a giant bucket of water tips over above them and releases its contents, the water soaking each of the remaining contestants from head to toe.
"Damn it, Token!" Craig cries, wiping some of the water droplets away from his eyes.
"Eek!" Charlene screams before turning to her partner, her hair feeling ten times heavier due to all the water, "Is he always like this?" she wonders.
Craig nods, gritting his teeth slightly as new water begins pelting down on him. "Trust me. He's usually worse," he mutters.
Charlene shivers, hugging her body as she stares down at the vast swimming pool below them, droplets of water making ripples in its smooth surface, "Um, out of curiosity, how intent are you on winning this?" she asks her partner.
Craig shrugs, "I couldn't care less honestly."
"Perfect. Wanna get eliminated?"
Craig smiles and nods, "I knew there was a reason why I dated you." They both jump down and land into the pool with a splash.
"And just like that, Craig and Charlene are out," Token narrates as Craig helps Charlene out of the pool beside him, "We're down to three: Kyle and Douchebag, Clyde and Bebe, and Clyde and Lisa. Who will win the coveted HOH?"
Kyle leans forward a bit into Douchebag's ear, vulnerable and on the verge of tears, "I need this, Dee…" he whispers, "I've been on the block twice in a row," he states, gripping onto her arm. Douchebag moves her head back slightly, looks into Kyle's pleading eyes, and nods.
A half hour later, the three remaining pairs are still standing on their platforms, the sun lowering on the horizon. "Alright, guys. We're now an hour and forty-five minutes in and no one's close to falling, so it's time to shake thing up!" Token beams, taking out a remote control and pressing the bright red button on it. The platforms begin to shake.
"Whoa!" Clyde cries as the platform starts to wobble, the trio still hanging onto each other like their lives depended on it. Both Bebe and Lisa start to slip off. Clyde darts his eyes in panic, realizing he can only save one. He quickly grabs Bebe and hugs her close to his chest. Lisa slips off and falls into the water. "Sorry, Lisa! It was natural instinct!" he apologies.
Lisa smiles as she pops her head above the water, "It's okay, Clyde!" she assures, gazing up at her partner.
"…And in a strange turn of events, Clyde has eliminated himself in favor of sparing Bebe," Token announces to the crowd.
"How is that a strange turn of events? That's exactly the kind of person Clyde is," Craig states from the sidelines, Tweek asleep on his shoulder. Clyde looks down at Craig and smiles in appreciation, giving a small sniff.
Fifteen minutes later, the two remaining partners tense up as water pelts down on them again, this time from the roof. Bebe glares down at Token, silently cursing him under her breath.
Douchebag's eyes widen as she teeters on the edge, the platform now shaking violently under them. Thinking quickly, Kyle pulls her into him, holding her protectively to his chest as the water falls down on them. "It's going to be okay, don't worry," Kyle states weakly, barely able to get the words out, "I'm never letting you go again." Douchebag gazes up at him deeply, eyes sparkling from the sun.
"Kahl, quit your Notebook-level shit and get your head in the game…or not," Cartman quickly adds with an awkward eye shift, just now recalling that he's trying to keep their alliance a secret, "You're embarrassing everyone!" Cartman cries from the sidelines.
Two hours and fifteen minutes into the competition, Token finally stops pelting the contestants with water, giving the two remaining pairs time to relax as they approach the final leg of the challenge. "Congratulations on making it this far, you guys. It's clear to me that both of you really want this," Token states, smugly holding up the HOH room key, "But only one of you can be this week's HOH. Who will win this battle of endurance?" he questions to the crowd.
Kyle groans as he shifts awkwardly on the platform, his legs growing stiff underneath him, his whole body hurting, "Dee, I don't think I'm going to last much longer. My knees are giving out and I'm getting blisters."
Douchebag gestures to her back and pats twice on it, signaling for Kyle to climb on. Kyle cocks an eyebrow, in disbelief that she is suggesting this, "Really? Are you sure?" Douchebag nods.
Kyle gets behind her, hesitantly grabbing onto her shoulders. He stops suddenly and snaps his fingers, an idea popping into his brain, "Wait. Hang on a minute." Kyle moves back and unzips his jacket, throwing it onto the lawn behind him.
Token's eyes widen as Kyle starts stripping off some of his clothes, "Whoa! Careful there, Broflovski. This is a G-rated show."
"We crossed that line a long time ago," Craig quips, his arms crossed.
"Damn. Kyle really does have a nice ass…" Clyde states, checking the redhead out next to him.
Finally, Kyle takes off his signature green hat and chucks it onto the grass before climbing onto his ex's back, piggyback style, the redhead now just sporting pants and a t-shirt. "Fartkour!" Kyle playfully exclaims, hoping his plan to make himself lighter by removing clothes will help them out in the long run.
Douchebag chuckles, Kyle blushing at this response.
Token yawns as the contestants approach the five hour and twenty-five-minute mark, most of the other houseguests asleep on the lounge chairs behind him as the night sky lingers above them, the moon softly illuminating the four remaining participants.
"God, her lower back must be killing her," Craig states, gesturing lazily to Douchebag, who is still carrying Kyle on her back. Tweek nods.
"Well, I'll admit that this challenge has gone on way longer than I thought possible. You should all be very proud of yourselves," Token says, pacing the side of the pool below them. He stares up at the remaining competitors, all of them so fatigued that their legs are shaking. Douchebag sighs and wipes some sweat from her brow. "Who knows? At the rate this is going, we could be here all night-"
"Whoa!" Bebe shrieks as she falls into the water, Clyde losing his balance shortly afterwards.
Kyle quickly slides off Douchebag's back, the pair gazing at each other in shock.
"And with that, Kyle and Douchebag have won this week's HOH competition!" Token announces, no one looking more surprised than the winners themselves as Cartman smiles discreetly from the sidelines, "Come here and get your HOH key, Broflovski! Along with this extra one!" Token adds, holding up the key that unlocks the handcuffs as well.
"Whoo!" Kyle cheers as both himself and Douchebag cannonball into the swimming pool. They swim to the side and emerge from the water.
"Here, Douchebag. You do the honors," Token states with a devious smirk, handing the HOH key to Kyle's ex. She takes it from him and puts the necklace around Kyle's neck, the redhead joyously pulling her into a hug. Wendy gazes at them from the sidelines, having a hard time masking the tinge of jealousy from her face.
…
Kyle Broflovski
Love-struck Know-it-all
It's mine! It's all mine! We won it fair and square. (proudly holds the key up) I went from being on the block twice to being the next HOH. (beams) – I love this crazy game.
…
A few minutes later, everyone trickles into the living room, several of the housemates shooting their congratulations to Kyle as they do so. Token smiles as he points towards the front door, where none other than Scott Malkinson, strapped to a wheelable IV, is standing. "Good news, everyone," Token states, clapping his hands together and turning towards the others, "Scott Malkinson is back!"
Craig stops in place and cocks his eyebrow, "How exactly is that good news?" he wonders.
"Ouch, Craig," Clyde says, cringing slightly next to him, "That dude has a family."
Tweek slowly raises his palm as he looks to the host, "Uh, shouldn't he be in the hospital?"
"Nonsense, son!" Richard cuts in, raising his hand in point, "Hospitals are for people who don't have coffee."
"God, your childhood must've been rough," Token comments.
Tweek sighs and stares at the carpet, "You have no idea," he mutters.
"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to get a beer," Clyde announces ten minutes later, once his fellow Craig and those guys group members have cleaned up, changed, and gathered on the sofas with their partners. He turns to Charlene, who is fiddling with her hair, "Would you like one?"
Charlene shakes her head, shooing the offer away with her hand as she holds her stomach. "No, thank you. I'm actually three-months pregnant."
"Is it Craig's?"
"Clyde!" Tweek shrieks as Craig glares offendedly at the brunette.
Clyde holds his hands up, "What?" he squeaks, "For all we know that could be the twist this season!"
"Um, no," Charlene speaks suddenly, after most of the others forget that she is there, "It's my fiancé's: Trent."
"Well, congratulations," Craig replies, hoping to deter the awkward points of this discussion as quickly as possible, "I'm surprised Token made you do the challenge."
Clyde cocks an eyebrow, "You can still go swimming while you're pregnant, Craig."
"How would I know that? I never had to worry about that problem," Craig states with an eye roll. Charlene laughs.
"…and here I was thinking you were just fat," Clyde states, eyeing Craig's ex, "No offense."
"None taken," Charlene responds, eyebrow raised, "But if you said that to most pregnant women, they would probably punch you in the face."
Craig smirks, nudging her playfully in the side with his elbow, "Do it. Punch him," he states, egging her on, "Token won't evict me for it."
Charlene chuckles once more, "I'm good. Thanks."
Meanwhile, Bebe and Wendy are sitting on the kitchen island pretending to listen to Scott Malkinson's latest ramble about the power of diabetes. Wendy gulps and jolts in her seat when she sees Kyle and Douchebag slip into the HOH suite across the room, the two sporting the biggest smiles of the evening. Bebe turns to the side, eyeing her best friend's expression suspiciously.
"I don't get it," Wendy whispers, fiddling with the pastel pink headband she is wearing over her black locks while Scott continues rambling in the background, growing more animated with each word he utters.
"Get what?" Bebe wonders.
Wendy snaps her neck to the side, surprised that the blonde heard her. "Um, nothing," she lies.
"Uh-huh," Bebe replies, skepticism lacing her tone as she looks her slightly-frazzled best friend over. She sighs, "Why can't you just admit it, Wendy?"
Wendy tilts her forehead, "Admit what?"
"That you're jealous of Kyle and Douchebag," Bebe states, casually picking at her nails.
"What?!" Wendy cries, her reaction so loud that it causes Scott to quit ranting for a moment, "That's insane! Why would you even think that?"
"Because you haven't stopped watching them or shut up about her and Kyle since she got here," Bebe recalls, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
Wendy huffs, rolling her eyes at the ridiculousness of Bebe's words, "It's not that, okay? I just don't think it's a good idea for him to rush right back to her. We both know she's just going to take off and break his heart again."
"Uh-huh," Bebe states, gazing up from her nails with a knowing smirk, "Whatever you say, girl."
"I mean it, Bebe, I am 100% not interested in him," Wendy states firmly, crossing her arms as she glares at the kitchen backdrop.
Bebe snorts as she stares up at the ceiling, "If you say so."
…
Five minutes later, Tweek is sitting in the corner of the living room with his father, the former looking dead inside after enduring yet another metaphor-filled story about coffee. "So, son, why didn't you call me the other day?" Richard asks; Tweek perking up at the surprising change in topic, "Your mother and I know you won the luxury competition."
"You do?" Tweek squeaks, bewildered by this news, "I-I didn't know you and Mom were watching the show. I thought you said you were only going to read the online recaps to see if, you know, I'm marketing the business and 'being gay enough' cause the show's on at the same time as Wheel of Fortune," he states with an eyeroll.
"Oh, we're not, and I do. We heard it from the Malkinson's," Richard replies, waving it off with his one free hand.
Tweek sighs as he anxiously fiddles with the carpet beneath them, "Yeah, that sounds more like you."
"Honestly, Tweek, we're both surprised that you're still here. Craig must be doing a good job of carrying you."
Tweek stops in his tracks, the statement causing a pool of anger to flow into his stomach, "Craig is not carrying me. And he can confirm that."
"Sure, he's not, Tweek," Richard states with a condescending pat on the knee, "You can believe whatever you want, son."
"Err…he's not. I'm doing this myself!" Tweek cries, feeling tears prickle in the corners of his eyes, "You know what? I don't have to justify myself to anyone, especially not to you! And if I could storm away right now, I would…but I can't cause I have to stay in the same room as you, so I'll just turn away in disgust!" he yells, dramatically swiveling on the carpet.
…
Tweek Tweak
Angry Bottom
My dad seems to think that my life is meaningless and that I'm just an extension of Craig who can't do anything on my own, and you know what? Five years ago, I would've believed him, but now? Fuck that. I'll show that asshole who's calling the shots around here! (face softens) – I love you, Craig, but it's always been clear who makes the decisions in our relationship.
…
Later that night, Cartman is pacing in the hallway, grumbling under his breath as he waits for Heidi to get out of the bathroom. Cartman stops in his tracks, eyes widening, when he sees Kyle and Douchebag heading down the corridor. Thinking quickly, Cartman runs forward, grabs the pair by the wrists, and pulls them into the storage closet, the redhead protesting when the fatass locks the door.
"Quick! Heidi's in the bathroom, so we don't have much time, but she's totally driving me nuts, yew guys," Cartman tells them, turning disheveled towards the pair, who are eyeing each other skeptically, "Kiel, you're going to have to kill her for me."
"Dude, no way."
"Well, I can't kill her. I'm too obvious a suspect!" Cartman cries, before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a rolled-up sheet of paper, "Here. I even mapped out a plan to help you do it."
Kyle takes the piece of paper, unrolls it, and stares down at the contents, weirdly impressed by Cartman's thoroughness as he scans the sheet over. "How did you put this together so quick?" Kyle asks, gazing up in wonder.
Cartman shrugs, "I work fast on the toilet."
"Ew!" Kyle cries. He immediately flings the plan onto the ground, his face full of disgust.
"Douchebag," Cartman states, turning to the other person in the room, "you're a Level 12 thief. Help me out here."
Kyle sighs, "That was Craig."
Cartman cocks his forehead, "'You sure?"
"Yeah, Craig was the thief," Kyle elaborates as Douchebag stands awkwardly beside him, "His name was Feldspar."
Cartman grumbles and shakes his head, before turning his attention back to the task at hand, "Come on, Douchebag," he pleads, clasping his hands in the classic prayer position, "you seem to really hate Heidi. I'll give you ten bucks if you kill her for me!"
"Cartman!" Kyle outbursts.
"You're right, that's obviously too much," he adds with a wave of his hand, "How about five?" Kyle rolls his eyes.
"We're out of here," Kyle declares, grabbing his ex's hand, unlocking the knob, and pulling her out the door behind him.
"That's fine, that's fine!" Cartman huffs, the fatass fuming as he stomps over to the open doorway. He leans his head out of it and glares at the departing figures, "Fuck you, Kahl, and fuck you, Dingus or Dipwad or whatever the hell your name is!" he shouts, Cartman's face falling when Heidi walks up to him, handcuffs in hand, "Oh, hey, babe. How's it going?" he sweatdrops.
Heidi narrows her eyes at him, her arms crossed firmly over her chest. She's only been here for five seconds and she's already had enough of Cartman's shenanigans, "Eric, what are you doing? You were supposed to wait for me by the bathroom, so we could re-cuff," she reminds him, holding the handcuffs up to his face. Cartman groans as she straps them on, "And please, don't ever call me babe again. That stage of our lives is dead in the ground."
"I know, I was just, um, talking to somebody," Cartman explains, loosely gesturing his thumb over his shoulder.
"Kyle?"
"NO!" Cartman outbursts, his face reddening at the suggestion, "Uh, Kelly…Kelly Frankfurter-" Cartman throws his head back and sighs, "Okay, yeah, I can't do this right now. I'm too exhausted from being bound to you."
Heidi tilts her forehead, a smirk spreading across her face, "So, you were hanging out with Kyle," Heidi speaks, "I'm not surprised. Honestly, I think you like him more than I did."
"Wha-? What the hell are you talking about, Heidi?!" Cartman practically shrieks, his voice echoing off the walls, "I don't like that filthy Jew!"
"Then why are you always spending time him and seeking him out?" she wonders.
"I'm not! Kyle's the one who never leaves me alone! He's obsessed with me," Cartman retorts, like it's obvious, "I've told him time and time again that I'm not interested, but he just keeps coming back for more!"
Heidi peers into Cartman's eyes a moment before letting out a hearty chuckle. "I don't think even you're delusional enough to believe those words. And if you are, that's really sad," she states.
Cartman snarls, clenching his fists at his sides as he steams up like a teapot, "Fuck you, Heidi! You don't even know me. You don't know what my people have been through!" he cries, crossing his arms and turning away from her in a huff. Heidi rolls her eyes.
…
Meanwhile, in the boys room, Clyde and Lisa are sitting with one another, trying their best to avoid the rest of the house drama in the process. Lisa sighs as the conversation begins to lull, a strange tenseness now forming in the air. "Clyde," she sighs, staring down at her fingernails, "I gotta be honest with you. I called Token last week and told him that I wanted to come here," she reveals.
"What?"
"I just-I just really wanted to see you," Lisa confesses, having a hard time pushing the words out, "We used to be such good friends, and I still, kind of, have a crush on you," she confesses, her face burning up.
"Oh," Clyde replies, his face lighting up like one of Butter's obnoxious Christmas sweaters, "God, I definitely wasn't expecting that," he coos. The pair sit in awkward silence as Lisa eagerly awaits his response from the bed across from him, "Look Lisa," Clyde sighs, "I really think you're a great person, and you're definitely someone very special to me, but-"
"I know," Lisa says, knowing how hard this must be for him, "Come on, Clyde, I'm not blind. I know you're still in love with your ex – and that's cool. I just needed to get this off my chest, so I know for sure that it's a lost cause. But I really hope that we can stay friends," Lisa adds with a meek and hopeful smile.
Clyde looks up, sporting his own grin, and nods, "Yeah, of course we can, Lisa," he promises, before standing up and pulling her into a warm hug.
…
Five minutes later, Kyle is sitting on his new HOH bed, still on cloud nine after his and Douchebag's impressive win. He sighs as he replays it in his mind, their win the perfect amount of skill and strategy for his liking. Kyle smiles as Douchebag approaches the open doorway. He quickly waves her in, his ex taking the hint and closing the door behind her.
"We did great at the competition, Dee. We really work together well, don't you think?" Kyle wonders, a sort of bittersweet feeling washing over him.
Douchebag sits on the bed and nods.
"Thanks for carrying me, by the way. I guess you were kinda used to it, though," Kyle rambles as he nervously traces patterns onto the comforter, "After all, you did that a lot in our relationship," he states, hoping to downplay the sudden awkwardness with a lighthearted joke. The pair sit in silence, the room clouding up with tension as thick as Cartman's stomach. Kyle turns away, immediately tearing up when he locks eyes with Douchebag. He quickly moves his hand up, trying to wipe the tears away from his face before she notices. Kyle turns back when he feels Douchebag scoot forward on the mattress. He sniffs, noticing her staring at him with concerned eyes. "I'm sorry," he apologizes, his voice shakier than usual, "I don't mean to do this. I know how hard this must be for you. It's just-today was just so surprisingly perfect between you and me, and-I don't know-I guess this whole thing just made me realize how much I really missed you."
Douchebag slowly nods, giving a small smile as she gazes at him. She cautiously leans forward, wrapping Kyle in a hug. Kyle freezes at first before giving in, melting like putty in her arms. Douchebag turns to the left and whispers in his ear, "I missed you too, Kyle," she states.
Kyle pulls back slightly, shocked that she just spoke, and that of all the things she could've said, she chose to agree with him. "Really?" he squeaks; Douchebag nods. "Oh, thank God!" Kyle praises, pulling her in once more.
The pair hug for what feels like forever before they separate. Kyle wiping the newfound, happy tears from his eyes. "So, um, how much did Token pay you to come here?" he wonders.
Douchebag holds up her hand in a zero shape. Kyle beams, the redhead soaring on cloud nine.
…
Two hours later, Cartman storms through the hallway, pulling Heidi forward by the wrist in the process. "Cartman, slow down!" Heidi pleads, her wrist feeling like it's burning underneath the cuff, "I can't feel my wrist!"
Cartman huffs, "Well, it's not my fault you can't handle my strength!"
"Strength? What strength?" Heidi states through a nose laugh as she bounces a little to keep up with him, "You mean the strength from your stomach?" she quips.
"Aye! I'm not fat, I'm buff!" Cartman retorts, red as a tomato when he reaches their destination, "It's a shame you were so caught up in yourself to ever notice!"
Cartman pounds on the HOH room door, having dragged a grumbly Heidi the entirety of the way there the second the clock struck midnight. "COME ON, KAHL, OPEN UP! THIS IS A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION 'ERE!" Cartman shouts, stepping back slightly when he hears shuffling on the other side.
Kyle yawns as he swings the door open, disheveled and sleep-deprived. "Cartman, what the hell is wrong with y-oh," Kyle realizes, once Cartman holds up his handcuffed wrist and annoyingly taps on the piece of metal. Kyle disappears inside for a moment before returning with the key. He hands it to the fatass, who quickly snatches it and frees himself from the insanity of his ex-girlfriend.
"Thank you," Cartman rudely snaps as he thrusts the key into the HOH's hands.
Kyle nods, giving another tired yawn, the redheaded too tired to fight back now, "No problem."
Cartman watches as Kyle moves slightly, Douchebag now in plain sight, fast asleep on his bed. Kyle softly shuts the door behind him as Cartman turns to the camera, shooting a dumbfoundedly jealous look into the lens. Cartman shakes his head and grunts, "Why that sneaky son of a bitch!" he cries.