Isolation (Self-Imposed)

She doesn't want me. It was an unbearable thought which pervaded Maria's dreams, tainting every stray thought, every whimsical notion and half-forgotten memory, with the faint odour of bitterness and misery.

The next morning, she woke up early, feeling like she hadn't slept at all. Even the cold brightness of dawn light on her face only served to remind her of the cruelty of hope, the futility of love, and the wretched joke that her life had become. She was tempted to close her eyes, roll over, and wallow in sorrow for a while longer, but she knew that she had to get up and make preparations for yet another day at the Magic Academy. For her mother's sake, if nothing else. Her mother, who had sacrificed so much for her. Even though they had grown distant, after her father had left, she loved her very much. She couldn't bear to let her down.

Groggily, with an effort of will, she got out of bed, walked to the nearest bathroom – thankfully empty, as none of her housemates were up yet – and began her morning ablutions. Under normal circumstances, she would have washed and dressed quickly, twined a few of her favourite flowers in her hair – for a trainee light mage, keeping cut flowers alive for as long as possible was good practice, a basic exercise designed to teach fine control and efficient use of magic – and rushed to the kitchens to bake some delicious treats for her Katarina to enjoy later. Today, she moved slowly and mechanically, without her usual enthusiasm. After she'd washed herself, she put on clean clothes – old clothes, nothing that reminded her of Katarina – and dragged a brush through her hair until she'd arranged it in a semblance of tidiness.

Yesterday's flowers lay wilting on her bedside table. Maria gazed at them for some time. She considered giving each of them an invigorating burst of light magic, trying to restore them to full health and perkiness, but seeing them lying there, so listless and forlorn, she couldn't bear to. Just let them die, she told herself, it's the kindest thing to do.

Because she still had more than an hour before the start of lessons and she couldn't be bothered to do any baking or gather fresh flowers like she normally would, she spent a lot of time alone with her thoughts and regrets. She realised that Katarina wasn't just the woman she loved, the object of her romantic desires and fantasies: she was also her best friend, who had rescued her from being constantly victimized, whose presence made the humdrum tedium of school life bearable, despite everyone else who still looked at her with jealousy and scorn. Even if they couldn't be together as she wanted, even if friendship was as much as she could hope for – even if the woman who held her heart decided to marry Prince Jeord or someone else – Maria didn't think she could bear to be without her.

In her mind's eye, she imagined what life would be like without Katarina. Long, dreary days stretched out ahead of her, with nothing to look forward to but more isolation and quiet self-study, without love, or friendship, or anything else to make her struggles seem worthwhile. It was such a dreadful prospect that Maria had to restrain herself from immediately dashing to her patroness's suite of apartments, hammering on the door until someone answered, and then begging to be forgiven for her harsh words. She would have pleaded with Katarina for another chance to be her friend: just a friend and nothing more. Only pride held her back.

However, as she plodded towards her first lesson of the day, she found herself wondering if pride was worth feeling like this. Katarina had hurt her and she wasn't ready to forgive her, but… "What good is pride if you're all alone?" she asked herself.

The first lesson was one which she normally shared with Katarina, sitting beside her and helping her with her schoolwork. Today, she chose to sit alone, at a desk by herself, as she had done during her first few weeks at the Magic Academy, before – for whatever reason – her dearest friend had befriended her.

When Katarina arrived, she glanced at Maria for a moment. Perhaps she looked a little disappointed. But took the opportunity to sit with Prince Jeord and his cronies instead, a fact which the prince was smugly delighted by.

For the rest of the lesson, Maria struggled to concentrate on her work. Towards the end of the lesson, the teacher reprimanded her for the unusually poor quality of what she had written. "What has got into you today, Miss Campbell?" he asked. "I know that you're capable of much better than this."

Eyes downcast, she muttered apologies. Many of her classmates, including some of her former bullies, were delighted to see her getting a telling off. A few months ago, Maria would probably have burst into tears if an authority figure had spoken harshly to her. Now, she remained quiet and still, and thought she might have paled slightly, but she didn't burst into tears or otherwise make a fool of herself. She accepted her admonishment with as much dignity as she could muster. Some of her audience looked disappointed at that.

At the end of the lesson, Katarina and Prince Jeord walked off arm-in-arm, the perfect image of a happily betrothed couple, so that no one looking at them who didn't already know would have been able to tell that until recently they had been 'on the outs'. Seeing them like that made Maria sink even deeper into despondency. As they passed by where she was sitting, Jeord smirked triumphantly at her, as if gloating over his victory.

On her way to the next lesson, while she was wandering between one classroom and the next, she was startled out of a reverie when someone pounced on her and dragged her into a nearby broom cupboard. "I told you what I would do to you if you hurt her," Katarina's most obsessive admirer growled in her ear, menacingly close to her.

"Sienna, is that you?" Maria asked, annoyed. "Wouldn't it be better for us to have this conversation somewhere else – literally anywhere else – than inside a broom cupboard? What will people think?"

"They already think you're gayer than an entire aviary full of twittering songbirds, so what difference does it make? I'm sure they'll be pleased to see you finally coming out of the closet. Literally, I mean."

"And what about you, Lady Sienna Nelson?" Maria reminded her. "What will they think of you?"

"If I had any respect for them whatsoever, I might care what they say about me," Sienna said defiantly. "But I don't."

In the dark, Maria felt strands of loose hair whipping past her face as the other girl tossed her head like a proud horse. "Look, this is neither the time nor the place for us to be having a conversation. I need to get to my next lesson. As do you, I have no doubt."

"What did you do to Katarina?" Sienna asked in a voice which brooked no argument.

"I didn't hurt her," Maria said adamantly. "Quite the reverse, in fact."

"Oh? Confessed your feelings for her, did you?" Although it was too dark to see, it was easy to imagine the sly smile stealing over Sienna's features. In a sugary-sweet voice, as though explaining something to a small child, she continued, "I thought this might happen. You see, there are some girls who like boys, some who like girls, and some who like both. And then there's Katarina, who only loves Jeord. She's always loved him with such single-minded intensity that I'm not sure she has the capacity to love anyone else. Still, never mind, eh?" She patted Maria on the back, parodying the usual comforting gesture. "At least you tried. Better to have loved and lost, and so on."

"Indeed. May I go now?"

"What exactly happened? She rejected you, and then what?" Sienna pressed her. "Was the thought of getting naked and ashamed with you so horrifying that she decided Jeord wasn't so bad after all?" She laughed derisively. "So much for your plan."

"You were the one who told me that Prince Jeord had hurt her so badly that she couldn't bear to look at him anymore," Maria pointed out.

"Did I say that? Perhaps I did, or something similar." Sienna heaved a sigh. "I suppose she must have changed her mind. A lady is allowed to do that, so they say. If she's happy with her handsome prince, well… who are we to protest?"

Maria groaned. "I don't understand you."

"No, you don't. I'm a woman of mystery. I've been told that it's one of my most attractive qualities."

"I'm sure it is," said Maria, rolling her eyes. "Well, now that's all settled, I'd better–"

"Why is Katarina back together with Jeord?" Sienna interrupted her.

"That has nothing to do with me. She told me that was part of her plan, that it would only be until the end of the school year, to quell the rumours which have been spread about her, and to prevent anyone else from getting hurt." Thinking back to yesterday's conversation, she couldn't remember Katarina's exact words. Even at the time, she'd had her doubts, but her patroness had seemed utterly convinced by her own cleverness and the practicability of her plan. "She said that she had offered to be his friend again, but no more than that: to play the role of his loving future bride in public, while prying eyes are watching them both, all the while planning to run away at the end of the school year."

Sienna made a doubtful humming noise. "She said that, did she? I wonder if she has told him that. I suspect not."

"What can we do?" Maria asked her.

"Nothing, of course. At last, Katarina has the life she always wanted. The man of her dreams is as attentive and possessive of her as she always hoped he would become. This is the happy ending to the fairy tale of her life. How cruel would we have to be to take it away from her?"

"I don't believe that she is happy with him. In fact, I'm sure she's not."

Sienna uttered a gasp of feigned outrage. "Miss Campbell! How can you be so heartless!"

"I just told you," Maria said irritably.

"Oh? And you think that you could make her happy?"

"I'm determined to try."

"Sounds good to me," said Sienna. "I'll help, of course."

"Why would you help me? Don't you want Katarina for yourself?"

"Better you than Jeord. You don't know what it was like…" Katarina's former best friend sighed regretfully. "All those years, I watched her give him all of her love, but he didn't care. How many times did I hold her in my arms while she wept because her precious Jeord didn't love her, she feared that he would never love her, and she'd convinced herself that she was unworthy of his love. It was only after she found the strength to leave him that he seemed to feel anything at all for her. Now that she's returned to him, how long will it be before he tires of her again? Not long, I'm sure. He doesn't deserve her!"

"And I do?" Maria raised an eyebrow.

"You could do. I'm willing to give you a chance."

"Well, if you want to help me, the first thing you can do is open this door and let me go to my next lesson, please."

"Yes, I can do that!" Sienna announced, pushing open the door. "I must say, this 'fairy godmother' business is a lot easier than it sounds!"

Fortunately, when Maria emerged from the cupboard, blinking in the light, there was no one in the corridor to witness her embarrassment, or who might have been listening in to their private conversation. However, by the time she got to her next lesson, she was more than ten minutes late, for which she received another verbal reprimand and the threat of disciplinary action. "Today of all days, I hoped that you would have the decency to turn up on time!" the class teacher ranted at her as if this were a regular occurrence. "What must the second-year pupils think?"

Just then, she remembered that she had previously been told that several prominent second-year pupils, including the prime minister's son, Nicol Ascart, and the president of the student council, Sirius Deek, had been invited to this lesson to give speeches about some of their own experiences and discoveries while at the Magic Academy. They at least seemed to take no pleasure in her discomfort; indeed, Sirius smiled kindly at her.

Since this wasn't a lesson which she shared with Katarina, she sat down in her usual seat and spent the next couple of hours acting like the model student she usually was, listening intently to the second-year pupils as they offered advice and described the projects they'd worked on in the past, and completing her written work as assiduously as she ever did. By the time the bell rang to signal the beginning of the lunch period, the teacher seemed to have forgotten her earlier late arrival. However, her fellow students hadn't.

Like sharks scenting blood in the water, several young noblewomen shadowed her after the end of the lesson, waited until she'd got some food from the school canteen, and then followed her outside to the courtyard where there was a bench upon which she usually sat while she ate her lunch. Before she could sit down, they crowded around her, jeering and mocking her as they had done all those months ago, before Katarina had befriended her. Maria recognized Lady Edith Cochrane among them, but the names of the others were unknown to her.

"When Professor Fogg shouted at you, I thought you were going to soil yourself!" one of them screeched at her.

"I suppose the teachers must have tired of your oral services by now. Perhaps you should start spreading your legs for them instead?"

"Do you think she doesn't already?" Another one laughed raucously. "Hah!"

Maria wasn't listening to them. She was worried about the spots of darkness which had appeared in her vision ever since they had started following her. There were large rounded droplets of purest black, swimming on the surface of her eye as if alive. Was this a sign of illness? Had she caught a disease which had damaged her eyesight, somehow? Was she going blind?

She tried to recall what she had read in the medical textbooks she had studied while trying to develop her healing powers. Apparently, if there were specks of debris floating in her eyes, she might see them as dark spots, but she'd got the impression that they were usually much smaller than what she was seeing now. More seriously, if holes were torn in the central part of the retina, whoever was so afflicted would see them only as patches of darkness. But they were supposed to be stationary, not constantly moving like the blobs of shadow she saw now. She blinked furiously, trying to clear away whatever was obstructing her vision. But it made no difference.

"Oho! The blinking has started!" cried one of her tormentors. "You know what that means!" She smirked knowingly. "Are you going to cry now, you drippy little coward?"

The crowd of petty tyrants eagerly waited to see if Maria would burst into tears. Instead, trying to make sense of what she was seeing, she watched the droplets of darkness toing and froing, seeming to spread and multiply. She wondered if she should seek medical attention as a matter of urgency. Whatever this was, it was beyond her ability to deal with.

Finally, one of the bullies she didn't recognize, whom she could barely see was wearing opulent jewellery and an expensive dress, stamped her foot, and yelled, "Are you even listening to us?"

"Perhaps when you say something worth listening to, then I will listen, Lady whatever-your-name is," Maria replied, summoning all the royal hauteur which Katarina had taught her in her 'queen training' sessions.

"How dare you speak to me in this way! I am Lady Mirabelle Courtenay, descended from hundreds of years of nobility, whereas you are a filthy commoner, descended from peasants who spent their entire lives grubbing in the dirt. How dare you speak to me at all!"

"I'm sure your ancestors worked very hard and sacrificed a great deal so that your family would be rich and powerful. They made sure that you would have a good life and never go hungry or want for anything," said Maria. She remembered how, earlier in the day, Sienna had proudly declared that she didn't care what the majority of people thought of her because she had no respect for them. Despite how little she liked Katarina's former best friend at times, she found herself admiring and wishing to emulate her attitude of brazen defiance. "They didn't do it so that you could bluster, and threaten, and prance around like a posturing fool. If they could see you now, they would be ashamed."

With a snarl, Lady Mirabelle used her magic, gathering a handful of flames. She glanced smirkingly at Maria, expecting her to be afraid.

Deliberately, Maria took a step back, "Are you planning to kill me or mutilate me so badly that I will be unable to use my magic? Otherwise, there is nothing you can do to me. Hurt me as much as you like, I'll be able to heal it with my light magic, and you'll be expelled from the academy for attacking a fellow student." She was bluffing, to an extent. As a relatively inexperienced light mage, she knew that there were a lot of injuries – even some relatively minor injuries – which she would struggle to heal properly, but she didn't want her bullies to know that. "But if you intend to kill or permanently cripple me, I don't see why I shouldn't defend myself." She summoned a blaze of white light to her hands, so bright that her tormentors suddenly found it difficult to look directly at her. "What are you going to do?"

Lady Mirabelle's flames went out. She lowered her nerveless hands, looking much less confident than she had a moment ago. "You're not worth it," she said with a sneer. "Come on, ladies, let's leave the uppity peasant to her…" Her voice trailed off. It appeared that she was struggling to think of a way to end that sentence. "Everyone knows she's got no friends!" she announced. "Let's leave her alone, like she always will be!"

"Yes, please go," said Maria. "It was nice out here before you arrived."

Mirabelle and her cronies beat a hasty retreat, scattering in all directions. Even as they did so, in an effort to save face, they continued to sneer and shout insults at Maria, calling her a 'crazy freak' and a 'psycho lesbian bitch'. She ignored them.

The dark spots in her eyes had faded as soon as her bullies had run away, for which she was glad, but she still wondered if she should visit the school infirmary, just in case. If she told the matron that 'blobs of shadow' had appeared in her vision, making it difficult to see anything, would she be believed, or would it be assumed that she was making up nonsense stories in order to get out of lessons? Especially now that she could see clearly again, she wasn't sure that her concerns would be listened to. Perhaps later, if the darkness comes back, she told herself, sitting down to eat her lunch.

More than ten minutes later, after she had finished eating, she saw Katarina leave the school building and stride briskly towards her. She wasn't sure what to do. It would be rude and cowardly of her to suddenly get up and leave, but she wasn't sure that she was ready to talk with… with the woman who had been her dearest friend.

She was unable to come to a decision in time. Katarina stood before her, looking concerned. "I heard that you were being bullied again," she said. "Did I hear wrong? Or have you dealt with it already?"

Briefly, Maria considered the possibility that Katarina might have purposely orchestrated this latest bullying attempt so that she could pose as her heroic rescuer once again. It seemed unlikely. She knew that her patroness was both competent and very dramatic: if she had been in charge of the bullies, they would have been utterly terrifying, like something out of a twisted morality tale about demons persecuting a poor sinner. At minimum, they would have been much more persistent and difficult to deal with. Also, Katarina would have made sure that she was already in position, ready to leap out and stage her daring rescue at the best possible opportunity, rather than turning up almost a quarter of an hour too late. More likely, she had overheard the malicious gossip of some of the other girls when they were boasting about how they or their friends were going to put the 'uppity peasant' in her place.

"I dealt with it, thanks to you," she said, extending the hand of reconciliation.

Katarina warily took her hand, holding on to it as if it were a frightened bird which might soon fly away from her. "Scared them off, did you? If you have successfully defended yourself from those who saw you as easy prey, that was your triumph, nothing to do with me. I'm so proud of you, Maria."

"You taught me how to stand up for myself, which was what I really needed. I will always be grateful to you for that," she said. "Is Prince Jeord waiting for you?"

"I told him that if you were being bullied, I was going to help you," said Katarina with a dismissive gesture. "He did not seem pleased with that, but neither did he argue. It is not as if he doesn't allow me to have any other friends."

"Will you sit with me?" asked Maria, patting the space on the bench next to her.

"Have you forgiven me already? I don't expect you to. I made a mistake, I know that I hurt you, and I am sorry," said Katarina.

"I was angry and hurt, but I very quickly realised that being without you was much worse. So, what other choice do I have but to forgive you?"

"That sounds like a bad precedent to set. Do you always forgive so easily?"

"You know that I do," said Maria, thinking back to a few months before, when her noble lady friend had chastised a group of her former bullies after she had too quickly forgiven them. "Besides, I feel ashamed of my own behaviour. It was selfish of me to insist on seeing you so late at night, when I was tired and overwrought. What your maid, Miss Shelley, must think of me, I wouldn't like to speculate. And… some of the things I said to you were unnecessarily harsh. I am sorry for hurting you."

"I could say exactly the same," said Katarina with a rueful quirk of her lips. "But let us not talk about that now. I am glad to have my best friend back." She spread her arms wide, offering Maria a hug, which she accepted. If their embrace was much more cautious and tentative than previous such embraces had been, neither of them complained.

"I missed you," said Maria, in a small voice. Hearing that, her patroness squeezed her a little tighter.

A minute later, when they split apart, Katarina sat down next to her and said, in a cheery voice, "Let us discuss… inconsequential things. Tell me about the weather. What did you have for lunch? Have you been reading anything interesting recently?"

"Which of those questions would you like me to answer first?" Maria asked her.

"Well…"

For the rest of the lunch hour, which wasn't long, they sat side by side, quietly chatting about unimportant matters. A few times, the young light mage laughed at her dearest friend's witticisms. She forgot her earlier worries about her eyesight. They were happy together.

Finally, when the bell rang as a warning that afternoon lessons were about to start, Maria took Katarina's hand in hers, whispering in her ear, "I will see you later, for our usual 'queen training' session. Is that all right?"

"I thought you didn't want to do 'queen training' anymore?" said Katarina, inflecting it like a question.

"I don't. But I think we need to have a serious conversation, in private. There are things we must discuss."

"Very well," said Katarina with a nod. "I will eagerly await your arrival at my apartment later on this afternoon."

Maria gave her a quick peck on the cheek, then hurried off to her lesson. She only narrowly managed to avoid getting yet another reprimand from a teacher that day. Even so, it was worth it, she thought.

Author's Note:
I want to thank hyrushoten (on AO3) for giving me some constructive criticism which resulted in my heavily editing this chapter into its current form. Basically, when I originally wrote this chapter, I was keen for the Maria/Katarina romance to move on forward, which he told me was "too much, too soon." Having taken his advice to heart, I'm trying to go for more of a slow burn.