Chapter 9

Jason was sitting in Clay's cage surrounded by all of his things. It still didn't feel real to him. Clay couldn't be dead, his son couldn't be dead. It would have felt more real if it happened in the field. They would have been there for it, they could have helped him and tried to save his life. But this, killing himself, it didn't feel real. The military had ruled it an accidental drowning, but that was only out of respect to Clay and what he had been through. What they had been unable to stop and prevent. Thanks to the Upper Brass not doing their jobs and getting the ones responsible for the attacks against Clay and the social media page, Clay had been drugged and raped. If that wasn't bad enough, it was recorded and uploaded to the social media page where it went viral. It was all over the darknet, permanently out there in the world for any pervert to see.

Jason couldn't wrap his head around Clay taking his own life. He knew that experiencing rape was traumatic and he knew it would be harder on Clay because of him being on the spectrum. Still though, he would have come to him. He would have called and told him what happened. He just couldn't picture Clay not reaching out to him. He couldn't picture Clay just giving up and ending his life because of it. He knew from Clay's phone he had received thousands of emails from the social media page and text messages from people. All of them were disgusting and abusive. Yet, Jason couldn't imagine Clay just giving up. He was stronger than that. He was too stubborn to just roll over and give up. This was making zero sense to Jason and he knew he would never be able to move on until he figured it out. Until he knew why Clay had done this. The problem was, the only person he could ask was Clay and it was far too late for that question.

Jason's suffering solitude was disrupted by the door to the room opening. The guys all walked into the room and Cerberus instantly was going over to Clay's cage and laying down with a whine. Cerberus loved Brock, but there was a special connection that he shared with Clay. There were plenty of times since Clay had started with them where Cerberus would sleep in Clay's hammock instead of with Brock. Brock had chosen Cerberus, but it seemed like Cerberus chose Clay.

"He might never recover from losing Clay." Brock said sadly as he went and sat down on one of the stools they had at the table.

"Don't think any of us are." Trent said sadly.

Vic stood there leaning against his cage. He had to make it look good that he was hurting just as much as them. He knew they would be upset by Clay's death, but he also knew eventually they would get over it. They would see how much better the team was without Clay and they would be stronger than ever.

"I can't believe he did this." Sonny said, sounding completely broken.

"He was in a lot of pain Son. He wouldn't have been thinking straight." Trent said, gently.

He was shocked just as much as the guys, but at the same time, the pain Clay had to have been going through, it could crush the strongest of men. They all knew guys who ended their lives, hell they had buried Swaney not that long ago from it. When a person reaches that level of pain, the whole world gets smaller and dark and the only way out they see is death. Clay could have easily been sitting on the small bridge for hours before he just jumped in. There was no suicide note, Clay most likely wasn't planning on killing himself, but in the moment he let go and allowed himself to fall off the bridge into the water. It showed the amount of pain that Clay had been in.

"When I find who did this to him. I'm gonna kill em. I don't care what happens, he doesn't get to live." Sonny said, with a deadly rage to his voice.

The guys could all agree with him on that one. They all wanted to get their hands on whoever raped him and whoever recorded it to post on the internet. They had driven Clay to killing himself and they were going to pay with their lives. The door opened again and this time it was Blackburn that walked in.

"I have Clay's official will." Blackburn said, sadly as he went and handed it over to Jason, who was still in Clay's cage. "He also left letters." Blackburn handed a letter to Sonny, Ray, Brock, Trent, Full Metal and then turned to hand one to Jason.

Vic was not surprised that he didn't get a letter. He knew Clay wouldn't be looking to say goodbye to him if something happened to him. No one opened their letter, it was something they would do in private. They just tucked them away in their pocket to read later.

"This also came in the mail for him." Blackburn said, as he handed Jason another envelope.

Jason opened it and pulled out the items that were inside of it. There were two name tags for his uniform, official ID and new dog tags. All with Clay's new legal name. Jason stood up and went over to the table and placed the items down on it for the guys to see. The guys could all see clear as day Clay's new name, Clay Hayes.

"We talked about him changing it a few months ago. I filled out the adoption forms, all he had to do was sign it when he was ready. He was worried about what it would do to work. He didn't want to jeopardize my career by people calling favoritism. I told him he was my son regardless of what paper was signed or what people said. That it was up to him. I didn't know he signed them." Jason explained with a deep pain to his voice.

He had no idea that Clay had signed the adoption forms, but the only way for him to have changed his name within the military, it had to be legal. He was probably going to surprise him with it.

"I'm so sorry Jason." Blackburn said with deep remorse to his voice.

Jason let out a shaky breath as he opened the envelope with Clay's will. He knew this was something he had to do. They needed to get all of the technical stuff out of the way so they could just grieve. It was Clay's last wishes and Jason was going to make sure he fulfilled them for him. Jason pulled the paper out of the envelope and began to read.

"Dear Bravo, let me start by saying I am sorry to have to do this to you. I know I was supposed to be the last one to die, but if you are reading this then I didn't uphold my end of the promise. For that I am truly sorry. I've done my best to make this simple and quick for all of you. I don't really have much. Any personal items that I own can be divided up amongst the family for whoever wants them. Feel free to donate what you think. Please include Yoder within the division of my personal property. He's my brother and he deserves to have a say.

Now for some of the more complicated matters that I have tried my best to get the process started should the worse happen to me. My book sales will continue to come in even after my death. Within this envelope you will have all of the paperwork you need already filled out with my information, all you will need to do is file the proper paperwork. All profit from my book sales will be equally divided up between Jameelah and Ray Jr, indefinitely. It will be automatically placed within a trust in each of their names for it to be used for their education."

Jason paused to look at Ray. He could see the tears building up in his eyes. They never expected for Clay to have much of a will, but it seemed like Clay had taken the time to think it through and to get some of the paperwork already started.

"I had no idea." That was all Ray could get out as his voice cut out, thick from emotion.

"He loved them. They were a niece and nephew to him, he loved every second he could spend with them." Jason said, as he could feel the pain building once again. To know that Jameelah and Ray Jr would never get to see Clay again. They would never get to spend time with him again. They would never get to learn one of the many things he had to teach them. They were robbed of that.

"He was a great uncle to them." Ray agreed.

Jason let out a shaky breath before he continued again. "The house is bought and paid for and I am leaving it to Jason. I have already signed the transfer deed, it just needs your signature. I bought it to plan for the future. I bought that specific house though, because it was a slice of heaven. It was peaceful and that is something that you need more than any one of us. Keep it in the family for many future generations to come. My truck is to be signed over to Emma, it's paid for so she won't have to worry about it. Tell her if she ever drives it without wearing a seatbelt or drunk, I'll know and haunt her forever." Jason gave a small chuckle to that, because it was just so Clay. The relationship he had with Emma and Mickey were close, but especially Emma. They were currently at Clay's house. Jason knew he should be there, but he needed to come in today and have a few moments alone.

With another slow breath he continued. "I have no debt, it's all been paid off. Within the documents you will find all of my banking information, everything you will need for the estate. As well as two additional trust forms that need to be completed. With the exception of what I have stated above, I am leaving everything to Emma and Mickey, to be split equally between the two. All money will be deposited within their individual trust. The trusts are educational trusts so funds can be used for their tuition. Once they turn twenty-one if they wish to not go to Post-Secondary or their schooling has already been completed. Any remaining amount will then be transferred over to their personal bank account.

With all of the technicalities out of the way, it's time to discuss the most important aspect, my spot. I know it will take some time for you to grieve, to start to heal from my death. But when that time comes and you are ready, I would like to ask for you to consider giving my spot to Yoder. He's my brother, he was mine before I was yours. He'll be feeling the loss just as strongly as you and he could really use the home and family that Bravo has always given to me. He won't let you down and he will make a great Bravo One, when the time comes. He loves being a number two, but he has everything it takes to make a great number one and he will do it because it's what is best for the family. Trust me on this one, my instincts are rarely wrong.

I am so sorry for putting you and this family through this. I love each and everyone one of you. You are my brothers, my family, my dad, I could not have asked for a better family. For a better home. I know it hurts and I am sorry for the pain that you are going through. But know that where I am is safe. I'm in a place where there is no pain, no bullets, no death, I am in the safest place in this universe and I will be here to give you a hug when your time comes, but it better be decades from now or I am going to be pissed. I will carry you with me for the rest of time, and I will always be there for you. If you find yourself down range all alone, I'll be there watching your six. You will never be alone, and I will always have your back. It has been an honor to serve with you all. Until we meet again. Bravo Six over and out."

Jason couldn't stop the tears that were going down his face as he had read Clay's will. That last section had cut them all deep. Jason looked up and saw everyone had tears either in their eyes or going down their face, including Blackburn. This was a loss that they would always feel. Jason thought losing Nate was bad, but losing Clay was a hundred times worse. Clay had made them a family. He had made them the team that they were today and now with him gone, Jason had no idea what would happen to them. They would never be the same and unlike when they got Clay, they wouldn't become better. Jason had a feeling they would fracture, the Bravo team everyone knew, died with Clay.

XXX

Full Metal sat in his truck in the base parking lot with Clay's letter in his hand. He wasn't expecting to get one. He didn't know when they were written, but he suspected they hadn't been written that long ago. Clay had updated his will to include his new house and his book sales, this wasn't something done without thought. Still, he never expected for Clay to leave him a letter, they weren't exactly close. He had given Clay his space, being a brother to him without feeling like he was being watched. Full Metal had seen the way all of the guys tended to be cautious when it came to Clay's safety. They were a bunch of mother hens and it used to drive Full Metal crazy. He couldn't understand why they got so protective of him. Why they always were worried about him in the field. Clay was talented, one of the most talented operatives he had ever had the pleasure of working with and knowing.

When Clay had gotten blown up in Manilla, Full Metal had seen just the toll it had taken on the guys. They were devastated, only made worse by them not being able to see Clay until their tour was done. The month that Clay spent in the hospital and didn't reach out to them or call them back was devastating to each and every single one of them. The only time they finally took a breath was when Clay had called them after they had gotten the people responsible. They could finally see their boy and see that he was going to be ok. A weight had been lifted at that point and it was clear to everyone how desperately they needed it.

Full Metal could have easily gone back to Alpha and been Alpha One. But running with Bravo had shown him something he never thought he would see. Bravo was stronger than ever because of Clay. Clay was the heart of Bravo. He was the one that kept them together. Clay had healed them and made them a true family. He had even done the impossible and tamed Sonny Quinn. Clay was a precious jewel and when given the choice of going back to Alpha or rolling with Bravo, Full Metal picked Bravo. He picked Bravo, so he could help protect Clay and by extension protect Bravo where it truly mattered, their hearts.

He never thought he would get close to Clay and in reality he wasn't. They liked each other, they respected each other, but Full Metal was more like Sonny and Trent. He was always down for a drink and a good time. Clay preferred to stay in and read. He used big fancy words and he could rub elbows with big powerful political figures like it was nothing. Clay had come from nothing and he had built a life for himself that would make everyone proud. Clay could have easily been a senator if he wanted to be. He had a bright future in and out of the teams. Clay had gotten under Full Metal's skin. He had somehow wormed his way into his heart and now he had to feel the loss. It was never easy to lose a brother, but this time around it hurt worse than the others. Full Metal let out a breath before he opened Clay's letter.

Scott,

I am sure you were surprised to get a letter from me. I don't know the situation surrounding my death, but I do know the repercussions that my death will have on the team. You have always been strong, unshakable despite the obstacles that came your way or the environment that you found yourself in. That strength has always been an aspect of the team that I have come to rely on, come to find comfort in. Afterall, the situation couldn't be that bad if you weren't freaking out yet. I'm thankful that at the time of this letter, we have yet to be in a situation that caused you to panic. I am not sure how well that would end. I don't need to write a letter to you telling you how much I have appreciated you, you already know I do. You knew it every time you saw me reading and you left me alone, unlike the guys. You gave me the space to be myself and to grow without hoverboarding over me. That's what makes you a good man and a good leader.

I'm worried about the effect that my death will have on the guys, specifically Dad and Sonny. I know you will keep an eye on them, and I know you will do your best to make sure they are safe and recover from this loss. I want you to know that I appreciate everything you will do for them. I appreciate you being there for them to continue to keep them safe. I wish I could have their back still, but it is easier knowing that your hawkeyes will be. Please don't let them fall into the loss, don't let Sonny go backwards and just get drunk with strippers every night. Don't let Dad lock himself up in the house and never going out with the guys. It's going to be on you to make sure they start to heal. It's not fair to you, I know, but I know you can handle the weight. I know you will make sure they don't self-destruct.

You're a good man Scott. I hope you get everything that you want out of this world. I hope you get to have grandchildren and see them grow up. I wish you all of the best. Be safe, love the people you have in your life, see the beauty in the world and most importantly, never change who you are for anything or anyone.

Thank-you for everything.

-Clay

"Oh you little bastard." Full Metal said, as he wiped the tears that had escaped down his cheeks.

He didn't think Clay's death would hit him the same and yet one letter had him in tears. Clay was a great loss to the teams and to this world. Full Metal was going to do his best to honor Clay's wishes and be there for the team, especially Jason. He was going to make sure Bravo didn't get destroyed by his death. It was the least he could do.

XXX

Trent sat down on his back deck with a beer looking out at the ocean in the far distance. It was barely the afternoon and he was already drinking a beer, normally he would make himself wait until at least four or five at night, but today he just didn't care. His kid brother was dead and buried, he deserved a fucking beer. Trent had pride himself on being the best medic within DEVGRU. He worked endless hours studying, taking courses and reading every medical book he could get his hands on just so he would be prepared for anything to come his way. And the one time his brother needed him, he wasn't there to save him. Trent knew logically there was nothing he could have done to save Clay. Clay had died when they weren't even in the country, there was no way he could have helped him. Yet the guilt was strong. He was the family's medic, it was on him to keep them alive, to get them to the hospital so they could be fixed up. He was the one to help manage their pain, get them through physio, help them when they were sick. It was his responsibility, but also who he was. He was the caretaker, a role he easily and willingly took on and he had failed not only Clay, but all of his brothers.

Trent never thought Clay would ever take his own life. He knew it was hard for the guys to accept, to understand why. Trent was in a different position then them, because he was a medic. He understood better then any of them the damage a brutal rape like the one Clay went through had on his body. The pain he would have felt when he woke up. The drugs in his system would have made him sick. He would have woken up sick, exhausted, in pain and feeling like complete shit. He would have been confused, and devastated once he discovered the truth of what happened to him. That was just physical though, the pain Clay was in mentally and emotionally was stronger then any physical pain he was going through.

Trent knew that Clay would have been traumatised and tortured every time his phone went off with a new email or text message. He had read close to a hundred of them and he himself felt a deep pain for Clay. They were horrific and graphic and each of them were telling Clay how much he must have enjoyed what happened to him. The mental and emotional trauma after being raped was always worse than the physical damage done. Trent understood that fully and Clay would not be the last man to take his own life because the mental trauma was too great. Trent couldn't be mad at Clay over it; all he could do was hope that Clay found some peace now.

Trent picked up Clay's letter and got ready to read Clay's last words to him. It wouldn't be easy, but it was something he needed to do.

Trent,

I think it's important to thank-you before anything else is said. Because of you I have gotten to live more days. You were the one that kept me alive after getting hypothermia, pneumonia, a beating, you got me through TB and helped me figure out what medications that I can take and what ones I can't. You were the first true medic I have ever had the pleasure and honor working with and I can never repay you enough for all of the hours you put in to ensure I would be ok. I was able to have more time on this earth because of your efforts. I don't know what the situation will be surrounding my death, but I want you to know that no matter what the situation is, it's not your fault. I know you would have done everything you could to keep me alive. My death is not on you, it's on whoever killed me. Or myself if I did something stupid trying to save someone.

I love you, you are one of my big brothers I couldn't have made it as far as I have without you. I want you to have an amazing life. I want you to find love and settle down with a wife who loves you and your career. I want you to go and explore the world, see all the beauty within it. You see so much death and suffering, more so then we do because you're a medic. You see the world differently than us. It's why you need to see the beauty it has to offer too. I know you don't like taking vacations and leaving the team without a medic, I get it, but you can't just focus on our health. You have to focus on your own mental health as well, and part of that is taking the time you need to reset so you can come back to the team stronger than ever.

You're a wonderful man, an amazing brother, you helped me become the man that I am and I will forever be grateful to you. Keep fighting, keep learning and keep living.

-Clay.

Trent gave a sad smile as his tears rolled down his cheeks. Leave it to Clay to try and make him feel better. He wished he could have saved Clay from this pain. He knew eventually he would have to let the guilt go and move forward, that day wasn't today though. Today was for drinking and then tomorrow he would make sure he was living his life in a way that would make Clay proud. He would honor Clay and his memories by keeping his brothers safe and maybe, just maybe, he would take a vacation.

XXX

Brock sat on his couch that night with Cerberus curled up next to him, head in Brock's lap. Ever since Clay had been missing Cerberus had been beside himself. He was constantly looking for Clay, trying to sniff him out. Now that Clay was gone Cerberus was feeling that loss. Brock could already tell that Cerberus was not going to be getting over Clay's death any time soon, possibly never. He didn't want to eat this morning, he didn't want to go for a walk. Brock had managed to get him to go outside long enough to go to the bathroom, but that was it. Brock had never gone through this before. When Nate had died, they weren't that close, so Cerberus wasn't that affected by it. This time though, Cerberus and Clay were very close. Clay had often spent time with Cerberus when Brock needed to go away overnight or the weekend. Clay would go on runs with them, even when Clay got his house he would keep Cerberus overnight just so Cerb could play on the beach. Brock had said it before and it still stayed true. Cerberus had picked Clay as his human and now he was heartbroken.

Brock was heartbroken as well. Clay was his little brother, his first little brother. Up until Clay, he was the youngest. Brock never thought he would make a very good big brother, he never thought he would need a little brother. Clay had proved him wrong. Brock was surprised how easily he fell into the role of a big brother, but when it came to Clay, he found himself wanting to be there for him. He wanted to help protect him both physically and emotionally. When he got sick, he felt helpless. All he wanted to do was help him feel better. Clay had this gift of making you feel things that you never thought you could. He had a way of bringing that deep love into your life. He was Bravo's heart, their glue to hold the family together. Brock wished he could have had the chance to speak with Clay. He would have told him that he loved him, that he would be there for him. If Clay needed to run away and hide from the world, Brock would have driven him anywhere in this world. He would have let him have Cerb so he didn't feel so alone. Brock couldn't help but feel like out of all of their brothers, he would have been the one to get through to Clay. He would have been able to talk him down and get him to keep fighting. To get Clay to see that his brothers would fight if he didn't have the strength to. They could have gotten through this, they could have gotten him through this. Cerberus whined and Brock looked down at him and ran his hand over Cerb's head.

"I know Boy, I miss him too."

Brock reached over and picked up Clay's letter. He knew he needed to read it, but he just wasn't sure he could handle it. At the same time, there wasn't ever going to be a time where he would be ready for it. With a deep breath, Brock opened the letter and began to read.

Brock and Cerb,

Let me start by saying that my life was made brighter with you both in it. I always wanted a dog, a pet, but I was never able to have one. Cerb, you were my first dog and I knew without a doubt that I could never have anyone but you. I was honored and blessed to have you in my life. You were always there for me when I needed a cuddle. You always pushed me when I was exhausted to run one more mile. I will miss you so much boy and I am so sorry you will have to feel this pain. If I could, I would take it away. Be there for Brock for me. Make sure you take care of him, because he's going to need some cuddles from you.

Brock, thank-you for being you. When I think of all the times you have been a silent support in my life, I can't thank-you enough. All the times I was going through something, you would always be there for me. Sometimes we would talk and sometimes we would never say anything. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it, how much it meant to me. I will forever cherish the moments we shared. Never stop being who you are, because who you are is so special and the team needs that. I love you both so much. Take care of each other and I will see you both again one day.

-Clay

Brock didn't even bother with wiping the tears away from his cheeks. He didn't have to be strong for anyone right now. He could allow himself to feel this pain and he had every intention of doing just that. Brock looked down at Cerberus as he whined, it was as if Cerb was crying with him. Brock knew they would get through this together, but he feared that Cerberus would never recover from this. Bravo may have lost two brothers this week, Clay and Cerb. Brock just hoped they would both make it through this and they could honor Clay and his memory. All they could do was take it one day at a time and just hope the world wouldn't look so dark one day.

XXX

Ray made his way into his apartment. He made sure he was quiet because the kids hadn't slept very well since they were told about Clay's death. Ray Jr was so young he wouldn't remember Clay, but Jameelah would always carry the loss. Ray saw Naima sitting on the couch and she held her finger up to her mouth to signal that the children were asleep. Ray went over and sat down beside his wife. Naima instantly had her arm around Ray's and placed her head on his shoulder. She noticed the unopened letter in Ray's hands and she knew that Clay had left it for him.

"How were the guys?" Naima asked, softly.

"Rough. We got Clay's will today. He started a trust for RJ and Jameelah. All of his book sales will automatically be deposited into them. They get them indefinitely."

"Oh my god. I had no idea." Naima asked, just as shocked as Ray had been.

"I didn't either. He left the house to Jason to be passed on to Emma or Mickey. Emma got his truck and then everything else was left to Mickey and Emma, his whole estate will be placed in trust funds for them."

"That's amazing. He loved all of the kids and he made sure they would be taken care of. What else did it say?"

"He wants Yoder to take his place on the team. I don't know if Jase will do it or not. A few months back, something none of us knew about, Jason filled out adoption forms for Clay. Clay didn't sign them right away; he was worried about how that would affect Jason's career. He didn't want people calling favoritism on him. Clay signed them, but didn't tell Jase. His new name tag and dog tags came in today too. He would have been Petty Officer Clay Hayes." Ray said, with tears building in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry. I feel so bad for Jason, the pain of losing a child. I can't even imagine." Naima said, full of sadness towards Jason's loss.

"I can't even." Ray said, unable to finish the sentence.

He looked down at the letter in his hand and he was afraid to read it. He had no idea when Clay had written it and he was worried about what it could say. They had a bit of a bumpy road out on tour and Ray didn't think he could handle it if this was written during that time. He still couldn't believe that he was gone. He had so much potential for the world and now it was just gone, ripped away from all of them. Ray knew Clay was in a great deal of pain, but at the same time he felt angry towards him. He wished Clay was here so he could scream at him and tell him how selfish he was being. You don't just get to give up and leave your brothers behind to deal with the mess. Clay knew better then anyone how it felt to lose a brother to suicide and he had done the exact same thing to them. It was bullshit and Ray honestly didn't think he could ever forgive him.

Ray handed the letter over to Naima, who took it slightly confused.

"I don't want to read it."

"I know it's hard baby, but he left it to you for a reason."

"I don't care. I'm too angry with him to read it. He received so many medals for valor and he took the cowards way out. He betrayed the brotherhood, he betrayed this family by taking his own life. He committed the ultimate sin and now we get to deal with the fallout. We get to take on the pain, our children do. And what does the military do? They promote him. He kills himself and they promote him, what kind of message does that send?" Ray said no longer hiding the anger he felt towards Clay and his actions.

"He was in pain Ray. He wasn't thinking clearly. You know that." Naima said gently.

"That doesn't justify what he did. He swore he wasn't like Ash, but he turned out to be exactly like him, a coward. I'm not signing those trust papers, our children don't need blood money. They deserve better than that."

"Baby." Naima started, but Ray cut her off.

"I don't want to hear it Naima. He knew better than this. He knew what mess he would be leaving behind for us to clean up. He knew he could have fought, that we would have fought with him. He chose to take the cowards way out and kill himself. He broke our children's heart, there is no forgiving that. There's no forgiving this."

Naima just simply gave a nod. She knew there was no point in arguing with Ray right now. He was too hurt and angry at the situation. She would have to give him time. She wouldn't throw the letter out, she would keep it tucked away safe in a drawer until he was ready to read it. Until he had some time to heal from this loss. Until then she would be patient with him and allow him the time to heal however he decided to do it.

XXX

Sonny sat in one of the booths along the wall drinking a beer at the strip club. He still couldn't believe that Clay was gone. That his best friend, his little brother, was gone. He wasn't going to be able to tease him about reading when they were watching the game. He wouldn't be able to look over at Clay's cage and see him cleaning something. He wouldn't be able to know that when shit hit the fan overseas, Clay working overwatch always had their backs. You could count on him hitting the targets that truly mattered. Ray was great, don't get him wrong, but Clay, he had a gift and they all knew it. Sonny had seen him run backwards and make a kill shot with a single bullet as he did it. The kid had aim like no one he had ever seen before, himself included. One time Sonny had even made a bet with Clay that he couldn't throw knives as well as he could shoot. The result was Sonny having to go into work in his combat boots and a pink bikini. Sonny still couldn't believe it. The fucker didn't miss a single one, all bullseyes. They came to find out when Clay was a kid after his grandparents died, he would throw things at a tree to try and keep himself from dying of boredom. The end result, he had wicked superhuman aim.

Sonny let out a shaky breath before he downed his shot of whiskey. He knew Clay had written him a letter, but he was scared to read it. It made it feel so final. These words that he had written would be the last words Clay ever spoke to him. Sonny wasn't ready for it to be the last. He wanted to go into work tomorrow and see Clay's smiling face. He wanted to joke around with him and run the training course with him. He just wanted to go to work tomorrow and see his best friend. Sonny still couldn't believe that him and Clay had gotten so close. In the beginning he wasn't so sure about Clay. Yes he wanted his skills, but Clay as a person, that took a bit of getting used to.

Clay had proved himself in the field and then when on tour after that helo crash, Sonny was surprised to see how much he was worried about Clay. Only when they did get to them, Clay was taking care of business and had gotten everyone in shelter, organized and had been keeping Jason safe. He had proved himself that day to not only just Bravo, but Alpha as well. Sonny had been so relieved to see Clay was alive and well after the crash. He had taken charge and showed Sonny just what type of person he was. From then on they had started to get close and now Sonny was a whole new person just because he had known Clay. Clay had made him a better man, a better brother and a better operative. And now he was gone and Sonny didn't know how to handle his death. It was hitting him harder than anyone else he had lost. It was just a tragedy, his death was a tragedy to this world. Sonny wished he could find every single asshole that had sent Clay a text message; that had commented on the video. That he could find the ones responsible for the rape and video, he would kill them. Each and every single one of them he would kill em. That is what they deserved and worse for what they had done to a beautiful and gentle soul.

"What has you looking so sad hot stuff?"

Sonny looked over and saw Candy sitting down next to him. He had known her since he started coming here a good ten years ago. She used to be a stripper, but now she was a manager and Sonny was proud of her. She had worked her way up and now she was a proud single mom that was making good money. The American dream right there.

"I just buried my best friend yesterday." Sonny said, sadly.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart." Candy said, with sympathy as she went and started to rub a hand up and down Sonny's back.

"He was a great guy. Better than me. And now he's gone." A few tears escaped Sonny's eyes and Candy could tell he was hurting a great deal.

"Did he leave that for you?" Candy said, with a nod to the letter on the table next to the whiskey glass.

"Ya. Left one with everyone on the team. His last words to me are in that envelope."

"I can't tell you that I understand how you feel, I've never had to go through the heartbreak that you have had to. But I think you should read it. He was your best friend, I bet you anything he made sure his last words to you were words that he knew you would need to hear right now."

"Probably right about that."

Clay knew him better than anyone, better than himself half the time. He would have made sure to tell Sonny exactly what he needed to so he could heal from his death. That is what made Clay so great, he was always thinking about other people and how he could help them. As much as Sonny wished he could toss the letter away and pretend like none of this ever happened, he knew he couldn't. He couldn't disrespect Clay like that by not even reading the letter he had taken the time to write. Sonny let out a slow breath before he reached out and picked up the letter.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?" Candy asked, gently.

"Naw, stay. Please."

Sonny didn't think he could do this alone. Candy gave him a warm smile, as she kept her hand on his back. Sonny opened the letter and began to read Clay's final words to him.

Sup Percy

Sonny couldn't help but laugh at that. "Fucking asshole."

I knew I could make you smile one last time. I'm not going to get all soft on ya and tell you how much I love you. How much your friendship has meant to me. You already know all of that. I am sorry for dying and putting this hurt in your life. Don't blame yourself, because there is nothing you could have done, no matter the situation surrounding my death.

Now, always make sure you have a twenty tucked into your boot when you go to the bar or the strip club. If you are alone, only let Candy have access to your bank card, she won't steal from you. After four whiskeys you have to drink a glass of water so you don't throw up in the morning. Your spare house key is behind the third brick five rows up to the right of your front door. Don't forget to put it back when you use it, otherwise the next time you forget your keys in your truck you'll be locked out. Don't drink wine after you've been drinking whiskey, it makes you sick and miserable the next day. Leave yourself a note on the bottle so you don't drink it when you get home from the bar or club. There's no living with you the next day when you do that.

You cannot run thirty miles, no matter how much you think you can. I always lie to you and tell you we ran thirty when we only ran twenty. You are not designed to run thirty miles, you can barely do twenty. Your Spanish is worse than you think it is. Often you say one thing, but it is actually something completely different. I usually cover for you and tell them you were dropped on your head as a baby. Your gun cleaning kit is in your cage on the left hand side in the second drawer. It's not on the right side where you keep swearing it is every time you go to use it. And yes, I do move it every time just to fuck with you.

I'm going to ask you to do something that is going to be hard for you to do at first and it's not going to seem fair of me to ask this of you. I'm going to ask that you don't go backwards. You've come so far, you were even able to have a stable relationship, you Sonny Quinn dated someone. You have so much to offer the world and a woman, more then just sex and horrible jokes. You deserve to come home to someone and not just that empty house of yours. I want you to keep moving forward and find happiness and love. That's the best way you can honor my memory and our friendship. I know it won't be right away, you are probably already at the strip club reading this letter. I know you'll be a mess for a good month, but afterwards I need you to start healing and moving forward. You are too good of a man, you deserve more than just being a drunken man whore when you are Stateside. Be the man you were born to be. That's how you can honor me.

I love you. You are my favorite brother, don't tell the guys that. You are the best friend I have ever had and I am a better person for knowing you and being blessed for having you in my life. I'll keep a cold one ready for you, but it better be piss warm by the time your cowboy ass gets up here.

-Clay AKA Blondie, Wonderboy, Bam-Bam, GQ, Little Buddy, Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Goldilocks, Captain America. To name a few.

Sonny couldn't help but chuckle slightly. It was perfect. Clay always knew what to say to him and this time was no exception. He didn't get all touchy feely, they never needed to. Clay knew exactly how much he loved him and Sonny always knew how much Clay loved him. They never needed words for that. Clay's letter was perfect. He said what he needed to say while keeping it light and brotherly. It was a letter that Sonny knew he would be committing to memory and reading whenever he needed to feel like Clay was there with him. He would make him proud, he would keep moving forward, not tonight, but soon he would be the man that Clay would want him to be. Sonny reached over and picked up his beer and raised it up towards the ceiling.

"Till we meet again Little Buddy."

XXX

Jason made his way into the house and towards the living room. He still couldn't believe Clay had left him the house. He didn't know if he could live here, at the same time though, he couldn't sell it. Even if Clay hadn't left the house to him, he couldn't bring himself to sell it. This was Clay's home, something he had worked hard to obtain, something he wanted to have within his family's future. He couldn't just sell it, but he wasn't sure he could stomach living here. It was hard enough trying to live in the house that him and Alana had purchased after her death. He had done it though, but the thought of living here, sleeping here, sent a knife deep into his heart at just the thought of it. Everywhere he looked it reminded him of Clay, of his son. He knew some people would find a warm comfort to that, but to Jason it was too painful and nowhere near comforting.

Jason saw Emma sitting on the couch watching a video on her phone, she had tears going down her face. Jason made his way over to her and threw an arm around her shoulders. He saw that she was watching a video of her and Clay from the night they went to the drag show.

"I took this when we headed out to his truck. We had such an amazing time that night. We all danced and joked around. Yoder and Ali both gave me their numbers and Ali and me have been texting almost every day since then. They were all talking about coming up to New York one weekend now that Clay was teaching Green Team. We were going to have some fun and check out some of the clubs together. Clay and me had talked about taking a trip this summer to Paris. We were going to check out the art museums and the art district." Emma looked over at her dad, with tears going down her face as she continued. "I don't understand why he would do this. Why didn't he just get in his truck and drive away until he could breathe again?"

Jason had made the decision to tell Mickey that Clay's death was an accident, but he had decided to tell Emma the truth. Now he was starting to regret telling her that her big brother had been raped and killed himself. He didn't want to lie to her, but this might have been the time he should have. Jason pulled Emma into his chest as he spoke.

"Sometimes baby, you get so consumed with pain that you don't think clearly. I don't think he meant to kill himself. There wasn't a note left, I think he went to the bridge to try and get away from the noise like he's done so many times in the past and he just let go. I don't think he was planning on it happening."

Jason truly believed that. He didn't think Clay's intentions were to kill himself. He believed that Clay was sitting on that railing and in a moment he just let go and fell.

"I miss him so much."

"I know, me too. Me too baby."

There wasn't anything Jason could do other than to hold onto Emma. She was hurting just as much as he was. He knew her and Clay were close, he was more than happy to allow it to happen. They were both his children and it made him feel better knowing that Clay would be there for them should his time come. Now that closeness was causing Emma a deep pain that Jason couldn't take away. There was nothing he could do or say that would make her feel better, because there was nothing he could tell himself to make himself feel better. This was one of those things where words did nothing. There was nothing that could be done or said to ease this pain, only time could do that, and that was something Jason seriously doubted.

It was just after eleven that night when Jason found himself sitting outside with a beer in front of a fire. Emma and Mickey had finally fallen asleep about an hour ago and Jason could finally have some time alone. He knew he should be going to sleep himself, he was exhausted after barely sleeping this past week, but he couldn't bring himself to lay down. So Jason had started a fire and grabbed a beer so he could sit outside under the stars and finally read Clay's letter. He was not prepared for it, but he knew there was nothing he could do to be prepared for something like this. All he could do was read it and hope it didn't do more damage than good.

Dad

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've written all of the guys' letters, but I couldn't seem to bring myself to write yours. I'm sorry if the writing is a bit messy, I can't stop shaking. I'm crying as I am trying to write this, which is insane because I'm just going to see you tomorrow.

As a team leader, you have been more than I could have asked for. You are the first team leader that has ever allowed me to truly grow as an operative. You never told me to shut up when I asked you questions. You never wrote me up for insubordination when I spoke up without permission. Even though you could have done it a hundred times. I appreciate everything you have done for me in terms of being a team leader. You allowed me to grow and explore my potential without any boundaries. It was more than I could have hoped for.

As my Dad, fuck, I don't understand how it happened. When I joined Green Team I was expecting DEVGRU to be just like the other Seal Teams. I figured it would be a group of guys working together. Some you might be friends with, but for the most part you just do your job and then go home. I never thought I would have a family. After what happened when I was younger and then how my grandparents died, I had accepted that I would never have a family. I would never have people I could rely on and be just myself with. Then I got Brian and Yoder and I figured that was it, that was enough. Then I got lucky enough to be picked by you. Bravo became my family, but then a miracle happened and I got to become a part of your own personal family. I got to have a sister and a little brother, both of whom I love with all of my heart. And I got you, a really amazing dad. I gave up hope a long time ago that I would ever truly belong somewhere. That I would ever have a dad in my life. You gave me the best gift in the world and I can never thank you enough for that. For touching my life the way you have.

I'm so sorry for whatever I did to die. I don't know what it is going to be that does me in, but I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for causing you this pain. For causing Emma and Mickey this pain. I never wanted to hurt you guys, especially you Dad. I hope you aren't mad at me. I hope you can forgive me. I'm going to miss you. I'm going to miss the way you just naturally make me feel safe whenever you are around. I'm going to miss sitting by the fire with you. I'm going to miss the sound of your voice and your hugs. You once said that you felt like I was your son in another life. I hope that is true, because it would mean in the next life that we share, I'll be your son again and I'll get to see you. I love you so much, with all of my heart. I will carry you wherever I go.

-Clay

Jason put his head in his hands as the tears poured down his face. Clay's letter was harder to read then he expected it would be. He knew Clay loved him and the kids, but to hear just how much he did. How much he appreciated them, it was hard. All of this was so hard and Jason honestly didn't think he was going to be able to come out on the other side of this. His son was gone, he didn't know how he was supposed to move on and heal from that. He just wanted him back. He just wanted to be able to wrap his arms around him and hold onto Clay until he was ready to face the world again. He would have let him hide out for as long as he wanted to. He wanted him here so he could protect him and keep him safe until he was ready to be on his own again. He just wanted his son back and it was the one thing he couldn't have. Jason couldn't help but feel like he failed. He failed as a team leader, but worse, he failed as a father. He couldn't keep his son safe and now his son was dead and there was nothing Jason could do to change it or make it better. There was a hole in his heart and it was never going to be filled.