Part 1
It feels like a tear in my heart
Like a part of me missing
And I just can't feel it
I've tried and I've tried
And I've tried
She sat on the couch, watching as her children happily played in front of her without a care in the world. They didn't know what was happening, how their parents marriage was on the rocks. The constant fighting that consumed their daily lives.
Meredith had made sure that her kids were never around when they fought. They didn't deserve to see that like she had growing up. She watched her parents fight day after day until it ripped them apart and she couldn't bear the thought of her children witnessing the same thing.
Tears on my face I can't take it
If lonely's a taste, then it's all that I'm tasting
Do you hear my cry?
I cry, oh
Derek had gone back to D.C., per Meredith's orders. She was tired of the fighting and mentally didn't think she could do it for much longer. She loved Derek, more than she had ever loved anyone but this was a battle she felt like she was losing.
His career was always more important than hers and he never let her forget that. Time and time again, she was put on the back burner while his career took off. It was supposed to be different after she gave birth to their second child. He had promised her it would be different, only to go and break that promise like she should have known he would.
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me in your arms?
Not having him beside her in bed at night was the hardest; only after she made sure her kids were asleep would she cry. Cry for what her life had become. Cry for the thousands of miles that separated them that wouldn't help save their marriage. Cry for all the times her children would ask where their daddy was and when he was coming home. Cry for not knowing what to tell them.
She needed to stay strong for their kids. She didn't have time to fall apart when they needed her.
Just wrap me in your arms, in your arms
I don't wanna be nowhere else
Take me from the dark, from the dark
I ain't gonna make it myself
Put your arms around me
Put your arms around me
Let your love surround me
I am lost
I am lost
"Come on guys," she whispered softly. "Time for bed." She got up off the couch, picking Bailey up as she reached out, taking Zola's hand into hers. They went upstairs, grabbing a book off the shelf as Zola got herself nestled into bed. They read the book as Zola started to drift off the sleep.
Even after the story had ended, Meredith sat there stroking her fingers through Zola's hair as her little girl yawned sleepily.
"Mommy, when is Daddy coming home? I miss him," Zola whispered.
Meredith sighed, not wanting to lie to her daughter but not really having an answer for her. She didn't know when Derek was coming home. If ever.
"I don't know, Zozo, hopefully soon." Meredith whispered. "Get some sleep, I love you."
"Love you too, Mommy," Zola whispered back.
If I ain't got you here
If I ain't got you, I ain't got nothing at all
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me in your arms?
in your arms?
She walked out of the room, shutting the door behind her before walking to the nursery next door. She knew Bailey needed sleep but she couldn't bring herself to put him down. Instead, she grabbed the blanket out of the crib, taking a seat in the rocking chair as she held her son against her.
He was keeping her sane, occupied, distracted that it had now been two days since she had heard from Derek. There wasn't anything she could do. She tried to call but it went straight to voicemail.
Yeah, Yeah
Yeah, I feel like it's just me, like it's just me
What it gon' take? What it gon' be?
I don't even know
(It's not just you)
But I'm lonely
Feeling like I don't even know me, I don't even know me
(I feel it too)
Gotta have you gotta see you
(You're the only thing I ever think about
The only one that I can't live without)
I gotta see you
(I need you need you to hold me now)
Maybe this was it? And in all honesty, she wasn't sure how she felt. Maybe he didn't want to work on things? Maybe he had given up easier than she had. She was willing to work on things, she needed to work on things (you can put "needed" in italics if you want). Meredith couldn't sit back and watch her marriage fall apart.
Hurtful things had been said, time and time again before he left. She knew she had told him to go but she never thought he actually would. Or that he wouldn't answer her calls.
She saw red the moment he called the White House in front of her. It angered her, more than she would have liked to admit.
If I ain't got you
If I ain't got you
I ain't got nothing
I ain't got nothing
If I ain't got you
I ain't got you
If I ain't got you
I'm lonely
If I ain't with you I'm lonely
I'm lonely
I need you
I need you
She got up, placing Bailey into his crib as she adjusted the blanket on top of him. She turned the nightlight on before leaving the room. She headed to the kitchen, pouring a glass of wine as she sat at the counter.
She pulled her cell phone out her pocket, debating on calling him again. Was it even worth it? Or would it just be another tearful voicemail like they had been?
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me in your arms?
She pressed send, listening as it rang, hoping he would pick up. Silence came over the line.
"Hello?" Meredith whispered. "Derek?"
She could hear rustling, before someone spoke.
"I'm sorry, Dr. Shepherd can't come to the phone right now." The woman laughed.
"Who is this?" Meredith asked, her stomach dropping. No one responded, making Meredith even more upset. "Who the hell is this?" She asked again.
The sound of the dial tone filled her ears. She sat there for a moment, unable to move. Her worst fear had been confirmed. He had moved on and her marriage was officially over.
Feel like it's just me, like it's just me
What it gon' take? What it gon' be?
I don't even know, I don't even know
But I'm lonely, lonely
Feel like I don't even know me
Feels like I don't even know me
I don't even know me
Can you hold me? Can you hold me? Can you hold me in your arms?