Wednesday, February 9, 1977
"Hey, Macdonald!" Mary turned to see Sirius bounding toward her, and she leaned casually against the wall of the corridor as she waited for him to catch up.
"Hello," she said brightly once he had finally reached her. "You didn't walk your boyfriend to Ancient Runes today?"
"Don't be jealous, Macdonald," Sirius said, grinning and shoving his hands into his pockets. "And to answer your question, I went as far as the second floor corridor and then told James I had some business to take care of." He shook his hair out of his face and took a step closer to her, lowering his voice even though they were alone in the corridor. "I have a proposition for you."
"Are you going to try to seduce me right here in the corridor?" Mary murmured, leaning in closer to him and smiling slyly. "Because I have to admit, I wouldn't exactly be opposed." She slid a hand under his shirt and slowly ran her fingers over the taut muscles of his stomach and chest.
"That wasn't my intention, but I'm not exactly opposed to the idea either," Sirius said quietly, grabbing her free hand and leading her into an abandoned classroom, then shutting the door behind them.
Eventually Sirius pulled away, breathing heavily and looking pleased but slightly disheveled.
"All right," he said, "that will have to hold us over until later. I need your help with something."
"I thought I was helping," Mary breathed, pulling him toward her once more and kissing his neck lightly.
"No, I need your help with something non-sexual," Sirius explained, closing his eyes and tightening his grip on her waist despite his protests. "But you're making it very hard."
He glanced at Mary and smirked almost immediately after the words were out of his mouth, and they both laughed softly at the sexual innuendo.
"Okay," she said, releasing him and taking a step back. "Okay. I'll stop for now. What do you need help with?"
Sirius removed his hand from Mary's waist reluctantly and took several deep breaths. When he had regained some of his composure, he began, "Right, I need your help with a prank. You know the really ugly statue near the loo on the fourth floor?"
Mary nodded, perplexed.
"We're going to move it up to the dormitory and put it by Peter's bed, then hide it under James's Invisibility Cloak. When he falls asleep I'm going to take off the Cloak, and if all goes according to plan, when he wakes up it's going to scare the shit out of him." Sirius grinned and eyed her expectantly. "Oh, and I'd like us to shag on his bed."
Mary laughed softly and shook her head. "I think I've been hanging around you too much, because this doesn't even seem like a strange request. I'm in. I just have two questions: why are you asking me to help you rather than James and Remus, and what on earth did Peter do to deserve this?"
"I knew I could count on you, Macdonald," Sirius said cheerfully, slinging an arm around her and steering her toward the door. "I didn't ask James and Remus because I figured it would be easiest to do when Peter's in class. I suppose I could manage it on my own, but it would be more of a hassle, and then you'd be left with nothing to do during your free period."
"Thanks for thinking of me," Mary said.
"You're quite welcome. As for the second question, Peter is being punished because he smoked my last cigarette and didn't replace the pack, and he made two rather rude comments about the Cannons in one afternoon." Sirius scowled, as if the memory of Peter's wrongdoing still rankled.
"Which is, of course, more than the acceptable number of rude comments about the Cannons allowed in that amount of time," Mary replied, grinning.
"Naturally," Sirius agreed. "Also, he's just fun to prank. If he doesn't scream like a little girl and/or fall out of bed when he sees that statue, I'll be shocked." He smiled dreamily, playing out the scene in his head.
"Wish I could be there to see that," Mary remarked, amused. "You'll have to reenact it for me."
"I'll do my best," Sirius assured her. "I have a hard time getting my voice to go that high, though." They had reached the fourth floor, so Sirius explained the plan as they approached the statue. "I'm going to move the statue, and you can go ahead of me and make sure the coast is clear."
"What do I do if someone's coming?" Mary asked. "Is there some ridiculous code word or something?"
"Oh, absolutely," Sirius replied. "Every ridiculous plan needs a ridiculous code word. Hmmm." He thought for a moment, tapping a finger against his cheek as he considered the matter. "How about Veraminta?"
"Lovely," Mary said, rolling her eyes before setting off down the corridor. Once she was safely out of sight, Sirius consulted the Marauder's Map to determine the safest route to the common room, then pointed his wand at the statue. The statue slowly raised a few inches off the ground and Sirius sent it ahead of him, careful to keep it from bumping into walls.
It took nearly fifteen minutes and some careful maneuvering to get the statue through the portrait hole. When Jones glanced up from his homework and took in the strange scene before him, he narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
"Nothing to see here, don't mind us," Sirius said, trying to move the statue through the common room as quickly as possible without knocking over any furniture. Getting it up the staircase proved to be tricky, so Mary went ahead to help guide it through the narrow space. Finally, they burst through the dormitory door and Sirius let the statue drop unceremoniously to the floor at the foot of Peter's bed.
"Come lay on his bed with me, I want to see if the angle is right for optimal scaring," Sirius said, hopping onto Peter's bed and stretching out before scrutinizing the statue. Mary joined him, watching in amusement as he turned his head and squinted his eyes, then flipped onto his back and peered at the statue from upside down.
"What do you think, weirdo? Is the statue in the right place, or do you want to see how it looks if you stand on your head?"
Sirius took one last look at the statue, then pulled himself back into a seated position and shook his hair out of his eyes. "That won't be necessary. There's no way Peter could stand on his head without falling and breaking his neck," he said, grinning. "What do you think? If you woke up and saw this thing at the foot of your bed, would you wet yourself in fright?"
"Most likely," Mary said, eying the statue thoughtfully. "Why'd you choose this one, by the way? Why not a suit of armor, or maybe that hump-backed one-eyed statue on the third floor? I don't like the look of that one at all."
"Oh, it's sort of an inside joke," Sirius explained. "One night we were sneaking around under the Cloak - this was ages ago, must have been first or second year, because we all fit under the Cloak. Anyway, we came around that corner on the fourth floor kind of quick, and Peter saw that statue and fucking screamed like a little girl." He started laughing as he replayed the memory in his head, then tried to stifle the sound so he could finish his story. "Sorry, it's just-" his voice trailed off as he dissolved into laughter again. "Bloody hell, sorry, but it was literally one of the funniest things I've ever heard." He took a deep breath and got his laughter under control for the moment.
"So he screamed, and it was really loud, too, but we probably would have been okay because we had the Cloak, except we ended up getting caught because the three of us couldn't stop laughing. Remus was on the floor laughing his arse off and couldn't even stand up, so obviously the Cloak slid off him, and then we tried to fix it but were laughing too much to do it properly. Filch ended up catching us and we all got detention." He smiled fondly at the memory. "But it's been a joke between us since then. Sometimes we'll walk by the statue and one of us will imitate the scream - it never gets old. It's one of those things that you randomly think about and just start laughing about, you know? I actually did that the other day in Transfiguration, McGonagall thought I'd gone mad, but that's where I got the idea for this prank. It's been a while since anyone gave Peter shit about this, so I figured I'd bring Clarence to him."
"Clarence?" Mary repeated quizzically. You've named the statue?"
"Of course," Sirius replied, as though she had asked a ridiculous question. "Why wouldn't we?" He jumped down from the bed and retrieved the Invisibility Cloak from James's trunk and tossed it over the statue, tugging at it to ensure the entire thing was hidden from view. Satisfied, he returned to the bed, sitting down and beginning to unlace his boots.
"Are we moving on to phase 2 of Peter's punishment, then?" Mary asked, watching Sirius yank his boot from his foot and chuck it carelessly across the room.
"That's the plan," Sirius replied, tossing his other boot in the opposite direction; it bounced off the ceiling before landing on Remus's bed. "Are you going to just sit there, or are you going to help me?" He loosened his tie, then slipped it off and threw it so that it landed on the corner of one of Peter's bedposts.
"Am I helping you take off your clothes or make a mess of your room?" she asked, scooting over and unbuttoning his shirt.
"Taking off my clothes is our top priority," Sirius replied. "But feel free to make a mess, too, as long as it doesn't delay the process of taking my clothes off."
"Are we really going to do this in his bed?" Mary murmured, undoing the last button on his shirt and moving down to fumble at his belt buckle.
"Absolutely. He smoked my last cigarette, Macdonald. And he said Snape has a better chance of shagging Rosmerta than the Cannons do of winning the league." He began tugging her skirt down. "That was just uncalled for, and he deserves this. Honestly, we should make this the dirtiest, raunchiest sex we've ever had, because that would serve him right for being such a prat."
"I suppose that's fair," she said, removing her shirt and tossing it aside. "But don't you want to put the tie on the door first?"
"Nope," he said firmly, sliding off her skirt and lobbing it across the room where it came to rest in front of the door. "If he walks in and sees us defiling his bed, he deserves that too."
Afterwards Mary lay curled against him, still slightly out of breath.
"I'll help you get revenge on your mates any time," she offered, gently prodding a large mark on his neck. "You're going to look very classy walking around with this, by the way."
"You're one to talk." He pointed to an even larger mark just above her collarbone. "Although you might be able to hide that with your hair." He arranged her untidy curls so that they covered the mark.
"Your hair's almost long enough to cover yours, too," she observed. She ran her fingers through his hair; she found it irresistible, even tousled and slightly damp with sweat.
"Why would I want to cover this up?" Sirius asked. "I'm going to wear it like a badge of honor."
"Half the girls in the school will be sick with jealousy," she said with a smirk.
"I should bloody well hope so," he said, disentangling himself from her to retrieve his pack of cigarettes.
"I thought Peter smoked your last cigarette," she pointed out, raising her eyebrows. "Isn't that why I helped you relocate the school's ugliest statue, and why I've just had the best sex of my life on your mate's bed?"
"I bought more - did you really expect me to go without them? I'd fucking murder everyone," he said darkly. "I did have to buy these from Dan Dingle, which is never ideal, but beggars can't be choosers."
He lay back on the bed, looking up at her and grinning roguishly. "So that was the best sex you've ever had?"
"I mean, yeah, it blew my fucking mind, but don't let that go to your head, Black." She rested her head against his chest, letting her dark curls fan out across his skin. "Are you going to give me one of those cigarettes, or do I have to beg?"
"Oh, bloody hell," Sirius muttered, realizing that not only had he forgotten to grab his wand to light the cigarettes, but he had also neglected to crack the window. He rose again, provoking murmured protests from Mary as she was forced to move from her comfortable position, and located his wand on the floor next to his trousers. After opening the window a crack, he made to return to the bed. Unfortunately, he collided painfully with the invisible statue that he had forgotten all about.
"Bloody fucking hell," Sirius swore loudly, collapsing onto the bed and clutching his shin. "I'm going to blame Peter for that." Mary bit her lip, trying not to laugh. "You know, we might want to consider moving that to the corner of the room until everyone's gone to bed, so nobody else runs into it and breaks a toe and/or ruins the prank."
"I suppose you're right," Sirius said irritably, and he pointed his wand at the statue to move it into the corner of the room. "And you know, I'm glad Peter didn't walk in on us after all. I think it will be more effective if I tell him after he's slept in the bed." He smiled wickedly. "I'm horribly petty, aren't I?"
"You are," she agreed. "But it's all right. You have other redeeming qualities."
"Like my ability to blow your fucking mind in bed?"
She grinned. "I shouldn't have told you that. I knew it was going to go to your head."
Hours later, Mary had gone to bed after spending the evening catching up on the homework she and Sirius had put off, as well as describing her afternoon rendezvous to Lily, who was quite interested despite her statements to the contrary. Snug under her blankets, she awoke suddenly when a terrified scream pierced the silence of Gryffindor tower. Mary burst into laughter even before her eyes fluttered open.
"What's going on?" Lily asked, reaching for her wand and lighting it, then looking around in confusion. "What was that noise, and why are you laughing like a crazy person?"
"Peter must have seen Clarence," Mary replied, trying to muffle her laughter.
"What?" Lily stared at Mary as though afraid she had lost her mind. "Who's Clarence? What are you talking about?"
Mary shook her head, still laughing softly. "Never mind, go back to sleep. Ask Sirius to explain in the morning." She rolled over and drifted back to sleep, listening to Lily's muttered remarks about how everyone had gone mad, and feeling rather satisfied with her role in what had apparently been a successful prank.
Thursday, February 10, 1977
"Good morning, Macdonald, Evans. Did you sleep okay?" Sirius said cheerfully as Mary and Lily sat down to breakfast.
"You know, I did hear a very girlish scream in the middle of the night," Mary replied innocently, helping herself to pumpkin juice. "Woke me up out of a dead sleep."
James and Remus roared with laughter, and Peter turned pink and scowled at Sirius.
"You did hear it, then?" Sirius asked, looking pleased. "Excellent! I bet all of Gryffindor tower heard it, Pete. How embarrassing." He gave Peter a falsely sympathetic look, but Peter made no reply except to mutter something darkly under his breath.
"You didn't like the prank, then, Pettigrew?" Mary asked.
"You were in on it too?" Peter demanded incredulously, staring at Mary with wide eyes, then turning his gaze back to Sirius and fixing him with the same furious glare.
"I was," Mary admitted. "Sorry about that. Nothing personal, Black just asked for my help, and it was either that or do homework, so I figured why not."
"What did you do?" Lily asked, frowning in confusion.
"Oh, you know the ugly statue on the fourth floor by the bathroom? We put it in front of Pettigrew's bed and hid it so he would discover it in the middle of the night. Apparently he's terrified of it."
"I'm not terrified of it," Peter protested, but no one acknowledged his comment.
"What was worse: the statue, or the other bit?" Mary asked him.
Peter narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "What other bit? Padfoot, there's another bit?" His tone sounded more anxious than angry now.
"Oh shit, I forgot to tell him!" Sirius exclaimed, his face splitting into a huge shit-eating grin. "Wormtail, we shagged on your bed."
Peter nearly choked on his mouthful of pumpkin juice. "You what?" he spluttered, looking utterly disgusted.
"We shagged on your bed," Sirius repeated calmly. "Macdonald said it's the best she's ever had, didn't you?"
"I did," Mary agreed. "You didn't have to include that detail, though."
"No, you're right. I added that for my own selfish reasons, cause I'm just damn proud, to tell you the truth. Anyway, we did it in multiple positions. We actually had to use your pillow at one point, Pete, to get some leverage."
Peter glanced hopefully at Mary, but Sirius shook his head. "No, mate, it was under my naked, sweaty arse, sorry about that," Sirius said, not appearing a bit sorry. "It really helped me get the right angle, though, you know?" He speared a sausage and ate half of it in one bite, then continued, his mouth still full. "Or, I dunno, do you know? Maybe I should reenact it." He stood and started thrusting his hips, screwing his face up in an expression of ecstasy.
"Oh for fuck's sake, sit down, Black!" Mary commanded, shaking her head in amused exasperation.
"Sorry, was I getting you all excited?" Sirius asked, grinning and returning to his seat.
"No, you prat, Flitwick is looking right at you," Mary said, pointing up at the staff table, where Flitwick did indeed have his gaze trained directly on Sirius.
"He's probably looking for pointers," Sirius said with a shrug. "I'll show you some moves later, Professor!" Sirius called, waving at Flitwick.
"I can't believe you haven't made it official with him yet, Mary," Lily said sarcastically. "He's so charming."
"Padfoot, you are my fucking hero," James said, wiping away tears of mirth and pounding his fist on the table.
"This is the best day of my life," Remus said, resting his head on James's shoulder and shaking with silent laughter.
"You say that every time something funny happens," Peter pointed out, scowling at Remus before turning to Sirius. "Why?" he exploded. "Why me? Why are you punishing me this way?"
"Because you insulted the Cannons," Sirius answered, eating the rest of his sausage.
"When?" Peter demanded.
"The other day," Sirius said. "Remember? You said Snivellus had a better chance of shagging Rosmerta than the Cannons have of winning the league?"
"That wasn't me, mate," Peter said, staring at Sirius blankly.
"Yeah, please don't do anything disgusting on my pillow, but I'm the one who said that, not Wormtail," Remus said sheepishly. "Are you sure?" Sirius asked, eying Remus skeptically. "You barely even follow Quidditch."
"I follow it enough to know the Cannons are rubbish," Remus replied. "And I was mostly just trying to wind you up."
"Well, what about when you said anyone who supports the Cannons is a pathetic tosser, Wormtail?" Sirius continued.
"I would never say that!" Peter protested. "I value my life too much!"
"I think it was Bertram Aubrey who said that," Remus said helpfully.
"Yeah, it was," James confirmed. "Remember, we were going to hex him but McGonagall was literally standing right there, so you gave him your darkest, most brooding glare, and we vowed we'd get him next time?"
"Shit, your right," Sirius conceded. "But Wormtail definitely took my last cigarette!" He glared at Peter. "Don't deny it, you thieving prat!"
"No, Pads, that was me," James admitted.
"What?" Sirius spluttered. "But- you- what happened to no smoking during the Quidditch season?" He crossed his arms and fixed James with a stern frown.
"I know, I know," James said, managing to look somewhat guilty. "You can't tell anyone on the team; I tore Unicorn a new one when I caught her smoking on the Astronomy Tower the other day." He looked at Sirius, a pleading expression on his face. "I had a long day and just really wanted a cigarette. I shouldn't have taken your last one, though, that was kind of rude." He continued to eye James anxiously.
"It's all right, Prongs, keep your shirt on," Sirius assured him. "Or don't - that might make Evan's morning." He flashed her a cheeky grin and continued. "Just tell me next time, yeah?" He glanced at Peter. "Guess I didn't need to go to such elaborate measures to get revenge, did I?"
Peter just stared at him for a moment, apparently at a loss for words. Finally he said, "I want him out of our room."
"What, me?" Sirius asked, incredulous.
"No, you idiot, Clarence!"
"Who's Clarence?" Lily asked, but nobody answered.
"I dunno, I think he really adds something to the room's decor," Sirius remarked.
"No he bloody doesn't. He's ugly and creepy and he's blocking my trunk," Peter argued. "He better be gone by dinner time, or I'll tell McGonagall and she'll come move him."
"That's an empty threat," Sirius scoffed. "You really want to invite McGonagall to come poke around in our dormitory, with all the questionable shit we get up to in there?"
"What sort of questionable-" Lily began, but Sirius waved away her question dismissively and spoke over her.
"I'll remove Clarence from our room, Wormtail, so just relax, all right? I suppose I do owe you an apology, so I'm sorry for pranking you for something you didn't actually do, but it was incredibly entertaining for the rest of us, so I'd say it was worth it." He crossed his arms and looked at Peter. "Are we all right, mate? Or are you going to have your knickers in a bunch all day?"
Peter sighed. "Yeah, we're all right." He grinned and held up a hand. "But, we're playing chess every day for the next week, and you're not allowed to pout when I kick your arse."
Sirius drummed his fingers on the table thoughtfully. "Hmmm. Well, I'll agree to play chess, but I can't promise I won't pout. Minimal pouting is the best I can do."
Peter chuckled. "Yeah, all right."
"We should get going," Sirius said, pushing back from his chair and rising. "And while we walk to class, I can describe in detail every sex position we used yesterday, so you can form an accurate mental picture."
Peter aimed a playful shove at Sirius, but the latter dodged it and set off across the Great Hall laughing, and after a moment everyone followed, their expressions varying combinations of amusement and exasperation.