JUST COFFEE
It took all of my focus to get all the girls home safe, it was easy to distract myself when Jess was getting sick and needed some help getting into bed. But when I was in the car home, I felt the panic swelling in my chest. I could feel that this wasn't going to be one that I could brush off, so I quickly put on my hazards and pulled over to the side of the road, tearing myself out of the car.
I couldn't breathe, my heart was racing too fast, my eyes were blurry with tears and I rocked myself back and forth on the shoulder of the road, hiding by the front bumper of my car. I tried desperately to remember this was only a panic attack, that I was safe.
But that wasn't true. My world had just expanded so far beyond what my more analytical brain ever considered possible. And while it wasn't a true confirmation, what happened tonight… I forced myself off that train of thought when I started feeling lightheaded.
My bumper, the trees, the metal guard rail, the tire of my truck, the road.
Gasoline, rain, dirt, pine
I was getting my breathing under control.
I touched the gravel underneath me, focusing on the texture, then the cool metal of my trucks bumper, then the pleather of my boots.
I heard my engine, I heard the wind.
I was finally calming down, eyes closed, leaning back on my bumper. My heart rate fell to a healthy pace.
My eyes opened slowly, and I scrubbed at my face with my sleeve. I had to convince myself, it was simply more evidence. not proof.
But the feeling of him pulling off me and bolting still stung, and I felt ridiculous for it. This infatuation was getting too intense, but I had no idea how to stop it, how to pull back. I barely knew about him, knew him.
I stood slowly and sniffed hard, dusting off my butt and trying to clear my runny nose.
The rest of the ride home was spent in the post-panic-attack apathy that always gripped me like a vice. And I got to the front door of my apartment building, thinking about stairs, I took off my boots. I dragged myself up the four flights, and into the apartment. Calling my arrival to kain before I collapsed into bed, still dressed.
I pulled into a parking spot on campus on monday, taking a breath to feel ready. I highly doubted he would want to see me today after what happened at the party, and I couldn't decide if I was unhappy about that or not. I'd felt like shit the next morning, and was blearily attempting to remember it all. I focused all day on simple tasks, the shower, the laundry, my homework, making dinner. I was trying so hard not to spiral into bizarre conspiracies. Not to let myself start another panic attack. It went in a blur that I barely processed, and I could see Kain just assumed I had a wild time the night before.
I grabbed my bag and slung it onto my back, starting my route to English class. Jess still looked hungover when I bumped into her, and I tried to mask my very bizarre mood with simple smiles and laughs in the right spots. By lunch I was calm, if he was here, I would hunt him down.
I stepped into the cafe, immediately looking for him, this all was too powerful, too involved. I marched over to his table, all of his siblings looking up at me in surprise, the blonde curled her lip at me in a sneer, and I tried to fight the chill that shot down my back.
"Can we talk?" I addressed Edward now, who had his mouth set into a hard line, looking annoyed, possibly even angry. I didn't care.
He sighed and stood, and I led him to the pillar that we'd hidden behind before.
"Eva, I…" He looked frustrated, looked like he was trying to find the words.
"What happened saturday…I can't...that can't happen, again."
I felt my chest twinge, but stood my ground, looking into his eyes.
"Because you're...dangerous?" He seemed to...fluster? And I could swear I heard him growl unhappily. But he then met my eyes, his own dark with something deep and sad.
"Yes…"
I was silent then, trying to think of an answer, I felt him tense after a moment, his fists clenching.
"Being unable to read you is slowly becoming my sisyphean curse."
I looked up then.
"What about going out for coffee? Just, coffee."
"Just...coffee?"
"You could bring your classwork to work on, we could just...sit and talk…I have...questions." I straightened my back. "Public Cafe, nice and crowded, broad daylight."
He stared at me for a tense, immeasurable moment, his eyes narrowing as they searched my eyes, my face for something other than simple determination.
"Would you like my phone number?"
"Um, yes, please. Trade?"
We traded phones, putting our contacts in quietly. When we traded back, I stared at the name and number in the new contact on my screen, feeling my stomach flutter again.
"I'll text you to decide a date and time...see you in Bio." He nodded stiffly, shrugging off back to the cafe, seeming hunched with his leather messenger bag.
I set his ringtone to something other than the default, wanting to make sure I got every message he sent. We were both quiet in Bio, awkward, unsure of what to say to the other I presumed, at least in this particular space.
His first text lit up my phone as I was washing the dishes, I immediately stripped the dish gloves off and shoved up my sleeves to grab it, sitting down.
'Hello.'
Well at least it wasn't a dick pic.
'Hi Edward. So, time and place, r u free tomorrow after school?'
'Yes, I will be available.'
Oh dear god he texted like a boomer.
'Alright, u know any good local cafes?'
I got a google maps link in response.
'Is this suitable?'
I tapped the link and scrolled through the photos, it was actually cute, lots of raw wood and plants, geometric artwork and modern furniture, with what looked like lots of cozy little corners.
'Looks great ?￢ﾀﾙ
lets see what he did with emoji's. I was bloody fascinated by this wonderful, terrifying man.
It took him a moment, but I got a response.
'Alright then, I will meet you there at 6:30 pm tomorrow. Goodnight, Eva. ?￢ﾀﾝ
oh no he was cute.
'lol, goodnight Edward. ️'
I held my phone to my chest, exhaling a sigh and slumping slightly. This was getting bad, just texting him had my heart pounding. I shook my head wildly and finished the dishes, but I had a little more pep in my step when I was getting ready for bed.
I woke up to the sound of Edwards ringtone again, surprised and half asleep, I pawed for my phone on my nightstand, squinting at the bright screen when it hurt my eyes.
'Good morning, Eva.'
I stared at it for a moment. He was sending me...good morning texts? I couldn't help the smile that touched my face as I replied, my chest warm and fluttering.
'Good morning to you too, Edward'
It took everything in me not to actually squeal. I sat up and lightly smacked my face repetitively. He was dangerous! You are Twenty-One years old! Not Thirteen! Get a fucking grip bitch, and anyway, once you get to know him, he'll probably be like every other macho, cis-het man you've ever met. You are infatuated!
I groaned to myself, pulling my hands down my face. I moved to text the group chat, having been keeping them updated on, well, almost everything that was happening. They knew about our coffee date, but not about monsters or the kiss at the party.
The kiss...I touched my lip absently, remembering everything I felt in the moment our lips touched, the desire to melt into his arms…
Again, I was just infatuated...wasn't I?
The entire school day crawled, but break and Bio were a bit of a relief. I told my group on our way to the cafe that I'd be right back, I wanted to see him, talk to him. When we got into the cafe, I looked to him from the doorway until he looked up at me, which was nearly instantly. He stood without a motion from me and came to me nearly immediately.
"Yes?" He cocked an eyebrow, giving me some distance. He was trying to read me again, I could see the frustration building in his face.
"Yesterday, you said you had questions...for me."
I nodded, and he still seemed frustrated.
"I have questions for you, I know you have questions for me, and I have rules." I tried to stand confidently, pushing my jaw up and out.
"...Rules?" His voice got low, annoyed, his eyes squinting. I knew he wouldn't like that.
"Yes." I nodded to a table against the side wall, moving to go sit there so fewer people could try to eavesdrop. He sat slowly, frustration was becoming annoyance now.
"Rule number one: No asking me about my theories, at all."
I ticked it off on my index finger, and he frowned deeply, eyebrows knitting together with upset.
"What? But-"
"I don't have anything better than X-Files conspiracy theories right now, so you won't hear anything new. You wanted me to stop trying, didn't you?" I lied, but followed with a cocked brow and a pointed stare, repeating his own words back to him.
His lip curled slightly, but he sighed and settled again, voice lower with thinly veiled bitterness.
"Number two: Every question you ask me, you have to answer, same for me. If the other person answers, you have to."
He kept his lips pursed as I counted that one with my middle finger.
"Number 3: either of us can veto any question the other asks, no clarification on why, either. No questions asked." I was trying to give him an out, should I ask something he couldn't answer without danger.
That one made him puff up again for a second, but just a second before he seemed to understand how that might help him later.
I held up the number three firmly with my fingers, staring at him, waiting for an answer. He thought about it for another minute, before his face and posture relaxed.
"Alright, those rules seem fair."
"Thank you, that's all." I chirped and stood then, this whole faking it till you made it thing seemed to be working with the confidence, so I just kept doing that.
"See you in Bio."
He watched me leave, staring, I could feel his eyes on my back until I sat down with the girls, seeing him sit down with his siblings. The blonde, Rosalie, was staring daggers at him, almost sneering. He was ignoring her completely. Looking at the smaller sister instead.
The girls were disappointed when I told them what I'd just done, just, confirming plans.
In Bio he was quiet, focusing on the lecture, taking notes silently. I was curious, but understood, save it for a better time, right? The last of the day continued it's snails pace, I was almost vibrating in entomology, Becca snickering at me the whole time.
I booked it to my car as soon as class was dismissed, heading straight to the cafe as fast as I dared on the city streets. I made it there at 6:24, and quickly checked my hair and makeup in my rearview mirror. I'd worn something simple and cute, just leggings, a chunky ochre sweater and my boots. When I got in, I scanned the cafe for Edward, trying to see if he was already here. I nearly missed him in a back right corner, his coloring making him blend in almost too well. He wore an Ivory turtleneck and dark jeans, and he looked up to meet my eyes when I spotted him and started in his direction.
"You actually,...showed." I was shocked, but, happy? I blinked at him, feeling my face flush.
"Well, yes, I said I would.."
I settled in my seat across from him, the orange and gold lights around us made his skin glow warmly. I noticed his eyes were brighter than yesterday as well, in this light, and smiled inwardly.
"So, what first?"
I settled my elbows on the table, crossing my arms to hold them and settled forward, giving him a small smile.
He looked down for a moment before finally settling back, leaning against the back of his chair.
"What's your favorite color?"
"Tiffany blue, or seafoam green, depends on the day."
"That's specific."
"I like specificity, your turn." He raised an eyebrow at me, a smile nearly crossing his lips.
"Emerald green."
I had to think about my question, but then perked.
"Ah, what are the top five movies you would actively re-watch for fun?"
He thought about that one a moment, seeming to relax more and more into his seat.
"The Godfather, Hunt for Red October, Dead Poets Society,...Clockwork Orange and the first Matrix."
I was honestly surprised by a couple of those, but made a face at Clockwork orange, he'd caught it.
"What's wrong with Clockwork?" I scoffed and wrinkled my nose.
"It starts with a totally unnecessary rape scene, like I get he was trying to be disturbing with it but if that's all he can come up with, eugh."
He snickered, motioning to me then.
"Hm, Silence of the lambs, V/H/S/, Cabin in the Woods, Paranormal Activity, the first one-" He raised an eyebrow and I pointed at him.
"Hey, don't "at" me, I saw it in theaters when it first released and it changed the horror game, fuck Blair Witch."
He raised his hands in surrender, finally smiling.
"Hm… and Grave Encounters."
"All horror movies, are you still coasting on Halloween?" He grinned, as if this amused and mildly surprised him.
"No." I huffed a little. "I love horror movies, but not like, Saw, you know, Gore Porn?" I made a face. "Gimme some actual tension you know? Gimme a build up!"
He nodded in appreciation at my answer.
This kept up for the full hour I had with him here, tossing questions back and forth, he seemed to want to know every mundane thing about me, colors, smells, did I have any pets, but he never seemed bored with my answers. I followed back with questions to learn more about his personality, desperate to find something to kill this infatuation, but it was only getting worse. He had a taste for the classics, but enjoyed neue metal and punk, alternative, he was like me, he pretty much enjoyed all genres of music but country.
By the time we were packing up to go, we both had more questions for the next day, and we stood together, suddenly bursting our intimate little bubble. It felt awkward, how do we say goodbye? He smiled softly and nodded at me.
"I'll...see you tomorrow."
I watched him leave, but caught his sleeve suddenly.
"Can...can we make this a daily thing? Just," he finished my sentence for me with a wider smile.
"Coffee. I would… like that. Goodnight Eva." I let him go then, and my stomach turned. This was bad, but...it was just coffee."
We met up after school nearly every day after that, still firing questions, and then when we ran out of those, it was scenarios. Often we would trail off into debates or conversations on a topic brought up by the other. It became easier and easier to talk to him, and he seemed to get more and more comfortable around me. Neither of us brought up the Halloween party or theories. He was charming, and protective of his family, he had a bit of a temper, but he controlled it well. His laugh, when it was real, unstrained, was a beautiful sound, low and warm and almost...goofy. It was one of the things I learned about him that made him so much more...human, than I'd considered him before. One day in late november I had set down my latte firmly when I thought of something to ask him.
"Ah! I have one for you! Okay, rank these from one to five, who's the greatest Diva? Aretha Franklin, Whitney Houston, Cher, Mariah Carey, and Madonna." He looked at me in disbelief, slumping back into his chair and screwing up his face.
"Oh come on! You can't ask me to choose!"
"Rank em, now."
He tilted his head back and blew out a frustrated sigh, then finally tipped his head back down to squint his eyes at me.
"Aretha, Whitney, Mariah, Madonna, Cher."
"EH- Incorrect sir!" I snorted at him in disbelief.
"Whitney is definitely number one, why would you think otherwise?"
"Aretha paved the way for Whitney! She was the original!" He poked the table in argument, and I laughed,
"But Mariah over Cher?"
We argued again, trying to defend our sides of the argument, but it only ended in laughter from both of us, the next topic coming easily.
When I glanced at my watch and saw it was nearly nine I grimaced. "Shit, I gotta go, I promised Kain I'd make dinner tonight-" I moved to quickly gather my things, I wasn't expecting him to be leaning against the table when I stood, starting slightly. He chuckled and pushed my glasses up my nose carefully.
"I wanted to ask you, will you be going to California over winter break?" I blinked up at him and thought.
"No, I'm staying here so Kain isn't alone over the Holidays." I tugged on my coat, zipping it up.
"Would you...like to continue to meet? We could both work on our thesis proposals." His voice was quiet, and his eyes flickered like embers when I met them with my own. It had been a common thing, him hypnotizing me on accident, and he seemed to do it on purpose now, much to my chagrin.
"I..yeah, I would. That sounds great actually, Kain can't really edit mine." I smiled at him, trying to ignore my own blush and urge to giggle like a school girl at him.
"Alright, I'll see you then." He grinned back at me, expression light. I bit my lip as a bold thought overtook me, he was leaned down just enough for me to reach.
I stepped forward, not letting myself think about it, pressing a quick peck to his cool cheekbone and just as quickly turning to leave.
"Night, Edward."
He didn't follow after me, seeming frozen, I glanced back at him and his face was locked into one of shock, but his hand touched the cheekbone I'd kissed very slightly.
Don't even think about it.
It was nearly killing me, the goal I had of becoming annoyed with him eventually had failed spectacularly, the more I knew about him, the more I liked him. It was nearly a lost cause at this point, but he certainly wasn't moving forward, and I could only think about the way he'd said we couldn't...that what had happened on Halloween couldn't happen again.
That thought killed my bubbly mood pretty fast, my chest twisting unhappily. I regretted it now, my earlier boldness, I was approaching a breaking point and I knew it. There was no way we could just, do this forever. I felt my eyes well up as I had to remind myself, over and over.
It was just coffee.
As we worked together through the month, this thought haunted me consistantly. I stopped flirting, trying to treat him simply as a trusted colleague, but he was so good at making me laugh at this point I knew I was fighting a losing battle. The way he looked at me made my body warm, the way his hand would brush mine when we were reviewing text. My heart ached for the feeling of peace I'd gotten when my lips had touched his.
The girls noticed my falling mood, especially right after Christmas, I had gotten him a small gift, but he'd canceled on the day I was going to give it to him. he'd been cancelling more and more, recently, and I was scared he'd caught on to the fact that I had caught feelings.
The girls had had enough of my moping, New years eve was approaching and Jess had been trolling for the best New Years party. I was going to try to turn it down, but looking at three proved I didn't exactly have a choice.
"Look, boo, theres nothing better for unrequited caught feelings than getting blackout and looking hot." Angela assured, patting my shoulder.
"We need to boost your confidence! You're coming with us and you're wearing what I pick out." Jessica was adamant, and as hard as I tried to argue, the girls had me sat down and being made up, Jess had gotten me a spaghetti strap, cowl neck sequined mini dress in gold. I kept tugging the skirt down as I stumbled along in the ridiculous matching shoes.
It was going to be a long night, I sighed.