A/N: Thank you for all of your kind words on this fic. As many of you have noted, this is a hard and painful fic. It's a long road to recovery and there's a lot to work through before Kagome is in the place she needs to be for her own happily ever after, but she'll get there.
After all, she has Sesshomaru at her side!
Thank you again for everyone who has reviewed this fic, truly. I wasn't sure how well received it would be and I appreciate every single comment you each have taken the time to leave—and I'm so glad to hear that it's touching and helping some of you.
It should have felt awkward or embarrassing to have Sesshomaru there while Kagome made her way into the water. The hot spring was deeper than she'd thought and had built in benches into its rocky surface to allow guests to sit if they so chose.
And yet, she didn't feel awkward or embarrassed, though he was only a few feet away, sitting on one of the rocks as he kept himself turned away to afford her what little pride he could.
Instead, she felt like crying again.
It wasn't because of Sesshomaru; if anything, his presence gave her some semblance of sanity when she might not have even had that much.
Bathing had once been her favorite thing to do to relax and now, suddenly, it was more than she could handle.
The way the water lapped at her bare skin felt too much like hands against her body, touching her in places she didn't want to be touched.
Why didn't I keep my clothes on? She wanted to wail; she felt too vulnerable, too exposed. Too naked in ways that went far beyond the lack of clothing.
She sagged into the water, too drained to keep her body upright. Falling down, however, only made the water lap around her with more fervor.
It's just water, she tried to tell herself. It's just water, it's only water, there's no one here but Sesshomaru and me, it's just the water—
Her teeth began chattering though the water itself more than warm enough to offset any chill the air might have otherwise brought but at least the water had stopped lapping at her.
Twice in one day. She couldn't stop her trembles nor her own feeling of humiliation. Am I ever going to feel normal again? Or is this who I am now?
She sniffed but she could no sooner stop the tears that began to fall any more than she could have stopped the sun from setting before her eyes.
Suddenly the water began lapping at her skin again and she screamed at the sensation.
A moment later, she felt warmth encompass her as Sesshomaru pulled her into his embrace. He hadn't even stopped to remove any of his clothing, but had entered the water, boots and all, to pull her into his arms.
The unexpected gesture only made her cry harder.
"Why are you being so nice?" she sobbed against him, digging her fists into his back, uncaring that she was pulling on his hair in the process.
He gently tucked her against him, resting his head against her own as he settled her onto his lap. "Because you are worthy," he told her quietly, soothing her with gentle hands rubbing across her back as he had before.
She didn't feel worthy.
She felt broken.
There has to be some reason he's helping me, she thought to herself, burying her face against his chest as she sobbed. She couldn't seem to stop crying.
And yet she couldn't pull away. Kagome curled in tighter, nearly wrapping herself around him as he held her in the water. He was warm—warmer than the water, actually, and she needed the comfort he gave so easily.
His touch comforted her, though she couldn't explain why.
"You are safe, Kagome," he murmured quietly.
His kind words only made her cry harder.
I don't deserve this.
She sniffled as she tried to pull back but she had no energy to do so. Crying had taken every iota she had left within her and, after a moment, she sagged against him again.
He didn't try to prevent her from leaving his embrace, even though he easily could have, nor did he seemed bothered to continue to hold her. He didn't insist that she stop crying nor did he make her feel guilt for her emotional breakdown, either.
Instead, he continued to hold her close enough that she felt the warmth of his body against hers through his wet clothing but not so tightly that she couldn't leave if she wanted to.
She didn't understand why he was so nice but as he gently rumbled soothingly to her, she began crying all over again.
"I'm sorry," she said and once she started talking, she couldn't stop herself from repeating the words over and over again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I really am. I'm so sorry, Sesshomaru—"
She didn't even know why she was apologizing. For crying? For depending on him? For her own pain?
Maybe it was all of those and maybe it was none of them. She didn't know, but suddenly she wished once again that he'd left her alone.
Alone was something she'd become accustomed to. She could retreat from the pain that seemed to be everywhere she looked within herself before but now that he'd jolted her back to awareness, she couldn't seem to find that place of numbness where her pain couldn't touch her.
It's not fair, she wailed to herself. I wish Sesshomaru had never helped me. I wish he would stop helping me. I just want to be alone!
She should have felt guilty for feeling that way, but she couldn't. As comforting as his presence was, she wished with all she had that it hadn't been necessary.
All she wanted was to curl up and be left alone, something Sesshomaru refused to allow her at every turn.
"Why did you have to get involved, Sesshomaru?" she choked out, clutching him closer to her even as she wanted to push him away. "Why did you have to show up and get involved? Why couldn't you just leave me there?"
She kept asking him that question, though she didn't know why she did. Was she expecting his answer to change?
Maybe she was. Maybe she kept asking because she was waiting for the moment when he would abandon her to herself, too, as InuYasha had, and it would devastate her if he left as soon as she could stand on her own again.
I never want to feel alone again, she thought, but she couldn't bring herself to speak the confession aloud.
"Because you needed me to," he answered her quietly, surprising her. It was different from any answer he'd given her before.
Different enough, in fact, that she managed to pull herself free just enough to look up at him. She could only imagine the picture she must make, with swollen red eyes and a runny nose, but she needed to see his expression.
It was...inexplicably tender.
She didn't understand why he was looking at her that way. It didn't make sense, nor did she feel worthy of such tenderness, either.
She tried and failed to come up with a reason as to why his expression seemed so tender, but as though he noticed her scrutiny, the expression suddenly fell away.
He simply looked calm and she immediately began to doubt what she'd seen. Within a few moments, she rationalized away the expression.
She'd simply confused the expression, seeing what she'd wanted to see rather than what was really there. She wanted someone to care about her and so she'd projected those feelings onto him.
I couldn't have picked a worse target, she thought, tucking her face back into his chest to hide her own humiliation. She felt even worse than as she had moments before and before she realized it, she was tensing in his arms.
"Come," he said after a moment. "You must finish your bath, Kagome."
She froze as the realization hit her that she was naked in his arms.
She fell out of his embrace as soon as she processed his words with more apologies. She knew the barely healed scars that covered her from her attack—both inside and out—and knew he wouldn't have enjoyed looking.
Even if he'd found a human woman attractive, and she didn't believe that he would.
No, he was helping her out of some misguided sense of duty and honor.
The thought only made her feel worse. She paid him no attention at all as she quickly scrubbed and rinsed herself. She'd initially been surprised that the hot spring had no bathing set up nearby to clean herself until Sesshomaru had advised her that of the unique setup of the bathing area that allowed the waters to be regularly cleaned.
She intended on leaving the water without touching her hair, suddenly too exhausted to bother cleaning it, but to her surprise, she felt gentle claws at her scalp, cleaning her hair for her.
"Sesshomaru—" she began in shock.
"Shh," he murmured. He paused and then continued a little hesitantly, "Unless this bothers you?"
She shook her head. She was too tired to protest the kindness she didn't deserve. It would be easier if she gave in and so she did, though his kindness made her feel all the more unworthy.
She withdrew further within herself, wanting to protect herself against any more pain, and absently followed her directions as he cleaned her hair for her and then led her out of the water to dry her off and help her dress.
She simply couldn't draw forth the energy to do anything about it.