A/N

*****Please Read*****

There was some concern that was raised over Regina's actions in the past chapter. There is still a long way to go in this story, but I want to provide some context.

For me fanfiction (both reading and writing) is used as a way to process various aspects of my life. In this particular case, it is being used to process some pretty deep trauma.

I thought long and hard about the last chapter, and almost scrapped the part about Regina marrying Leo. However, this is an important journey for me, and in fact, this particular story has existed in my mind for years before I was able to reach a place where I could write it down. And the reality is, I needed to remain true to the story in my head, because that is the only way I will be able to complete this journey.

I am of the opinion that it is not the severity of the wrongdoing that determines its worthiness of being forgiven. Everyone is worthy of forgiveness under two specific conditions: 1. They put in the work to earn it, whatever that means for the situation, and 2. The person they wronged is willing to give it to them.

For my own sanity and mental health, I need that to be true, so that is how I am going to write this story.

Make no mistake about it, this story is SQ endgame. It always has been and they will end up together. However, it won't be easy and it won't be pretty, and Regina is going to work to earn to her way back into Emma's life. I totally get it if some of you cannot get on board with that. I respect it, which is why I am telling you here the type of story I am telling, so you don't invest further in a story you don't believe in.

For all of you that are taking this journey with me, thank you so much. Your support has meant and continues to mean the world to me.

-Sarah

A/N 2

One minor correction: Regina and Emma's relationship in the past ended up lasting longer than I had originally envisioned, and they broke up in 2005, not 2003. Therefore, it has been 15 years since they last saw each other, not 17.

When Regina awoke, Mal was still sitting in the chair by the bed, looking down at her with worry. Embarrassed, she looked away, but Mal caught her face and forced her to look at her.

"What is it?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

Mal barely tried to contain the eye roll at that. "This better not be your nonsense about people seeing you crying."

"You've seen me cry before."

"I have. So why don't you tell me what's bothering you?"

Regina pulled her face away from Mal's grip and stood up. "It's nothing, Mal. Really. I've just never told anyone that story before and hearing it out loud…."

Mal nodded. "It was pretty brutal," she said bluntly.

"Do you hate me?"

"I think you hate yourself enough without my help," Mal responded. "Besides, I'm not the one you wronged here."

Fair enough.

"I never thought I would feel bad for the Swan, that's for sure."

A short laugh, bitter and hard, escaped Regina, despite her black mood. "Miracles never cease, do they?"

"No, I suppose they don't."

"What did ever happen between you and Emma to make you hate her so much?"

Mal looked genuinely surprised. "I don't hate Emma, Regina. We've just a couple of unpleasant altercations in which she told me exactly what my place in your life was. I may find her a bit loud and obnoxious, but truth be told, I admire her."

"Especially now," her mind added, but she did not speak the words out loud.

Regina rubbed her temples and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her face was gray and there were dark circles under her eyes, despite having just woken up from a nap. Her eyes and nose were still swollen and red from the crying.

"You do look a fright," Mal said.

"Shut up, Dragon," Regina said automatically and ducked when Mal threw a pillow at her. Most people assumed that Mal was short for Mallory, but Regina was one of the few that knew her parents had been huge Disney fans that had named her Maleficent after the legendary dragon fairy from Sleeping Beauty.

"You're never going to let that go, will you?"

"You never should have told me."

"I was drunk! And believe me, I regret it." But Mal was relieved to see a smile return to Regina's face even if it did look somewhat forced.

"You know we need to talk about this, Regina."

Regina shook her head. "There's nothing to talk about," she insisted.

"Regina…"

"I'm serious. First of all, I had no business telling you. It isn't my story to tell, it's Emma's. I betrayed her yet again."

Mal opened her mouth to protest, then closed it as she thought about that. Regina had a point.

"What's second of all?"

"What?"

"You said, 'first of all'. What is second of all?"

"Second of all, no amount of discussion is going to change what I did. You're trying to make me feel better about it, but not only will that never happen, it should never happen."

"Regina, you've tortured yourself for 15 years. I've been by your side the entire time, and until 2 days ago, I don't think I have seen you happy once since the day Swan left. When will it be enough?'

"Enough isn't the point, Mal. There is no level of suffering that is acceptable or unacceptable in this situation. Despite what you think, I am not 'torturing' myself, as you put it, as some sort of penance."

"Well, what do you call it, then?"

"It's simple Mal. I can't be happy without Emma. And I can't have Emma. Ergo, I will be unhappy for the rest of my life, just as I have been for the past 15 years."

Again, Mal fought the urge to roll her eyes. "That's a bit dramatic, don't you think? Besides, why can't you have Emma?"

Regina snorted. "Besides the obvious, I am assuming?"

"Yes, Regina, besides what you consider obvious."

Regina sighed impatiently and pushed her hand through her dark hair. Her headache was building and suddenly all she wanted was for this conversation to be over and for Mal to leave her alone until they left the next day.

"Well other than what we discussed earlier, which is way more than enough, by the way, I…."

"Yes?" Mal asked impatiently when Regina's voice trailed off.

"I think she might be seeing someone."

Mal blinked in surprise. The idea that Swan was seeing someone wasn't out of the realm of possibility, she supposed. But she considered herself pretty observant and from her perspective, no one that looked at someone at another person the way Emma had looked at Regina during the last couple of days could possibly have interest in anyone else. She frowned.

"What makes you say that?"

Regina mumbled something Mal couldn't hear.

"What?"

"I said, she slept here last night," Regina spoke up, ignoring the way Mal's eyebrows shot up. "She kept saying someone's name in her sleep."

"Well, what did she say when you asked her about it? I'm assuming you did ask her."

"I did. She asked me why I cared if she was seeing someone."

Mal broke into a hearty laugh at that. "And you think I dislike the girl," she said. "If for no other reason than she puts you in your place, I can't help but to like her."

Regina scowled. "She also said she wasn't seeing anyone, but I don't know if I believe her."

"Hmm." Mal considered the possibility for a moment before throwing it away. "No. Swan may not be my favorite person in the world, but I have never known deception to be in her nature. To be frank, it's far more in your nature than hers. What was the name?"

"Lucas. I don't know if that is a first or last name, though."

Lucas. Mal turned the name over in her head. She was sure she had seen it or heard it somewhere, but she couldn't place it. Suddenly, she snapped her fingers.

"Come with me," she said.

"That is not going to happen." Regina sat back down on the bed and resumed rubbing her temples where her headache pounded in her ears. "Just go away. Tell Captain Jones I have taken ill, and I will have to cancel the remainder of my appearances until we leave tomorrow. Actually, see if there is any way to depart this afternoon."

"I said, come with me!" Mal's tone left no room for argument. "Listen to me, Regina. What happened was awful and I know you feel like shit. I am afraid to think about how Emma feels. But I am not going to sit here and watch you feel sorry for yourself. I think I know who this Lucas person is, so wash your face, change your clothes and come with me."

Regina's mouth dropped open. She wanted to argue, but her head was hurting too much, and truth be told, her curiosity about this "Lucas" was killing her. As much as she told herself to leave it, and more importantly Emma, alone, she knew she was going to do this. She did as she was told and followed Mal out the door.

They walked until they reached the Quarterdeck, located inside the second Hangar Bay of the ship. Triumphantly, Mal pointed at a mural on the wall. It was an In Memorium display, depicting 9 people. Regina slowly studied each face and name, until she came to the second to last one.

Seaman Apprentice Ruby Lucas.

Her breath caught as she stared at the picture. This girl was special, she knew it instantaneously. Even in the painting, her eyes reflected humor and intelligence. There was no telling who she was, but Regina knew instantly this was the person Emma was dreaming about the night before.

"Sad, isn't it? She was only 19 years old." The voice came from behind her and Regina turned around to see Mary Margaret standing there. From the look on her face, Regina could tell she knew.

"Miss Blanchard."

"Call me Mary Margaret. You know, I came looking for you to tell you to leave Emma the hell alone."

Regina nodded and opened her mouth to speak, but Mary Margaret wasn't done.

"But," she continued, "despite my better judgement, I am not going to do that."

Regina stared in shock. "Why not?"

"Well for one, Emma would kill me. Besides, something tells me you wouldn't listen to me anyway."

"I would, Mary Margaret. I have no desire to hurt Emma more than I already have. I should have requested another tour guide as soon as I saw her."

"Yes, you should have. And I am not going to ask why you didn't because I suspect that I know. But that brings me to the real reason I am not going to warn you off of Emma."

"Why we are not going to warn you off of Emma," a voice interjected. Regina wasn't even remotely surprised to see David join them.

"And what's that?"

"I've known Emma a long time. I can't explain why, but I don't think she wants you to leave her alone. Believe me, I don't agree with her. If it were up to me, I would tell you to leave and never come back. But the judgement that you deserve in this case is not mine to give. It's Emma's."

"So instead of warning you to stay away, we will say this," David said. "Emma is an important member of my staff, but more importantly, she is like a daughter to me. I know that sounds strange, but it is true. As any father would, I am warning you that if you hurt her, you will pay."

"Understood." Regina didn't know why, but she believed him.

"Good. Now, about Ruby Lucas."

"Yes, who is she?"

"Ruby was one of Emma's junior Sailors. I guess you could call her Emma's protégé. I never met the girl, but the other chiefs said Emma kind of took her under her wing and was teaching her all she could about ship life. Apparently, she came from a rough background, and Emma saw something of herself in her."

Regina nodded. This all sounded well within character for Emma. "What happened to her?"

"Do you know about the fire on the Storybrooke?"

"Just what I saw on the news."

"Ok. 18 months ago, a fire broke out in a Hazmat storage room, about 3 frames away from the junior female berthing where Ruby stayed. Ruby worked night shift and she should have been at work, but Emma saw she wasn't feeling well and told her to go lie down in her rack for a while to see if that helped."

Regina closed her eyes. The horror of what she was about to hear was building inside of her, and suddenly she wanted to beg Mary Margaret to stop telling her the story. She forced herself to keep listening.

"I was in the chief's mess with Emma when the fire broke out. We didn't know each other back then, but I remember seeing her when the announcement came out on the PA system. When she heard the compartment number, she ran out of there like a bat out of hell.

"Evidently, Ruby was alone in that section of the berthing, the other side has an easy route to an escape hatch and they got out pretty quickly. Emma tried to get to her, but the smoke was too thick to see, and a section of racks fell down in front of her. When she tried to climb over them, she fell and hurt her ankle."

"How did she get out?" Regina whispered, and when the other woman did not answer, her eyes grew wide.

"You followed her, didn't you? You got her out."

Mary Margaret's eyes filled. "I had to pull her out kicking and screaming. She was yelling and hitting me and telling me to put her down. She was so sure she could save Lucas, but she couldn't have. Every single person that assessed the damage in that compartment said there was no way that anyone could have gotten over those racks."

"That poor girl," Regina whispered, but whether she was talking about Ruby or Emma, even she did not know for sure.

"Emma is my best friend, but I think part of her will never forgive me for pulling her out. We don't talk about it anymore, but it's always there in every conversation we have. She would have preferred I left her to die, and truthfully until earlier today, I never truly understood why."

Regina could feel the conflicting emotions inside of her, threatening to overwhelm her. Gratitude towards the brunette, crushing guilt at her part in Emma's willingness to sacrifice her life, pity for the poor girl that had died, but most of all horror at the thought of a world that existed without Emma in it. She turned away, trying to contain the tears that were threatening yet again to spill over.

"You were complaining of a migraine earlier and the sun is really bright out here. Here, these will help." Mal held out a pair of dark sunglasses and Regina slipped them on gratefully. She turned back to Mary Margaret.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Don't," Mary Margaret started to say, but Regina shook her head firmly.

"No. Emma may be conflicted about what you did, and perhaps on some level you are too. But I am not. Thank you." She took the brunette's hand in her own and hoped to convey how grateful she truly was in that gesture.

"You love her, don't you?"

Mal was sure she was going to deny it, but evidently, she had underestimated just how vulnerable Regina felt at that moment.

"I do. I have no right to, and it is wrong on so many levels, but God help me, I really do."

Despite her fury at what she had put Emma through, Mary Margaret couldn't help but feel a bit of pity for the woman in front of her.

"You have a visitor, Chief," Petty Officer French called back to Emma's desk from her position at the shop door.

"Tell Senior Blanchard I will be right there."

"It's not Senior Blanchard."

Emma furrowed her brow. "it's not? Then who-?" She was cut off by Regina pulling her into her arms and squeezing her tight.

"What the-?" She nodded towards the privacy curtain that surrounded her desk and French pulled it closed, not bothering to hide her grin.

She shoved Regina off her. "What the hell, Regina?! I work here, you can't just show up and hug me in front of my Sailors like that!"

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again, I promise. I just needed to feel that you were really here."

"That I'm really here?" Realization dawned on Emma. "The fire. How did you-? Never mind, I already know the answer. I am going to kill Mary Margaret."

"Don't, please. I'm really sorry. "

Emma nodded, the fury she had felt at the brunette's sudden arrival dissipating into the familiar dull ache in her chest that had been her companion for as long as she could remember.

"Well, I'm here. I'm real. You can go now."

"Can I say something first?"

Against her better instincts, Emma said, "Go ahead."

"I always thought that if I ever had the chance to see you again, I would tell you how much I missed you and would do anything not to lose you again."

"You did tell me that, Regina."

"I did. And I shouldn't have, because you deserve a life without having to see a reminder of what was taken from you. Trying to get back in your life was selfish. I just couldn't bear the thought missing a chance to live without the constant pain of you being gone. But that changed today."

"Why?"

"Because today, for just a brief moment in my mind, I lived in a world in which you were really gone. And that was worse than anything I experienced in the last 15 years. The shame, the guilt, the loneliness. I will bear it all and I promise I will stay away from you and you won't ever have to think of me for the rest of your life. But please, please don't risk your life again. A world without you in it-" Regina couldn't even finish the thought.

Emma just stared at her, stunned. Much as she had done the first day on the boat, Regina reached up a hand towards Emma's face before letting it drop without touching her, then turned to leave.

"Good bye, Emma."