B-Listers
Chapter 9 : Welcome to the New World
That night, a single tear would roll down Jerma's face as he read the bulletin board. They didn't get the room. For the foreseeable future the four of them would be living in what was politely termed as basic quarters. He could already smell the cold stone floors, dimly lit desks, and beds bent to the shapes of their predecessors backs. He could already hear the winning team celebrating from afar. It was the team of some guy named Darwin and they were throwing a party at their new pad. Even the A-listers were attending. Apparently it was record time for the rookie egg quest. Even the Field Team Leader was impressed. The purpose was to inspire teamwork in the newcomers, but as the commander put, the newcomers inspired Astera instead. The bastards. So Jerma did the only thing he could do. Bite the bullet and check the place out.
Unfortunately, he was right on the money. Torches on the walls barely lit the room. There were two sets of bunk beds, their cushions hard and dusty. In the middle of the already cramped space was a pockmarked wooden table covered with obscene graffiti. And the singular window had a lovely view of the adjacent building, which just so happened to be the luxurious quarters their rivals won. But basic quarters wasn't without it's advantages. For one thing, the space was so small it would be a breeze to clean. And the bunk beds had these tiny little makeshift curtains carefully nailed to their sides. A modest modicum of privacy. Necessity drove invention after all. And in the corner, a chest full of free weapons. Jerma was awestruck. It was a miracle. How they fit the huge armaments in that comparatively tiny chest was beyond his imagination. But while he was pondering the chest's seemingly endless capacity, the musty door slammed open. It was Goren.
''Fuck,'' Goren sighed.
''I know,'' Jerma agreed.
Tammy wasn't going to like this.
Meanwhile at Darwin's party, Ash and Tammy were already dealing with their misery; by drowning it in booze.
''This stuff is horrible!''
''Hey ifit getsyadrunk it's working fiiiiine.'' Tammy said before breathing in the rest of her tankard. Sure, they were at the house party of their defeat, but at least there was a bar and the drinks were free.
''So whahappen back there Ash? You messedup that rathiann reall goood...''—Tammy's breath reeked of it already. And it's only been fifteen minutes.
''I don't know, I guess I couldn't hold it in.''
''Nonono neeever hold it innn...''
''And I'm really sorry about that! I didn't mean to get so-''
''Naaahhhh it's fine, you're fiiine.''—Tammy suddenly caught the hiccups.
''I mean, you guys carried me all the way back so I'm grateful and-''
''Assshhhhhhh''
''It won't happen again. Sorry. I used to have anger problems and I guess I just-''
''Aaashhh!''—
''What?''
Tammy put her hands on his face and squeezed just a little bit.
''Howw the hell are you cuter than real girlllsss"-hic-Put us alll to shaame why don't you!''
Ash blushed.
''Doon't start that-hic-shit!''—Tammy lifted her tankard only to find it mostly empty as she shook the remaining few drops into her mouth.
''HEY! CAAAATT!'' She yelled at the calico palico tending the bar. He let out a small meow. One that said, ''Hey, please don't call me that, I have a name you know.''
''ONE MORE ROUND FOR THE BABES, EHH?''—Tammy put her arm around her cute friend and lifted her empty cup to the ceiling.
The bartender was incredulous. He had never in his short life seen a hunter drink so much alcohol in one sitting. Maybe some humans really do drink that much. But then again, maybe he shouldn't encourage her behavior. Her racist slurs were already rubbing him the wrong way. It was all too common to encounter the C word in his line of work but this girl was pushing it. After spending a few moments deciding how he felt about the whole situation, the palico responded with a meow. A meow that said ''Listen, I get that this is a party alright? I've been there, but enough's enough. That's your your last drink. Period.''
''Kiiiittttyyyy...'' She protested before the bartender interrupted her with another meow. A much shorter, more staccato meow. One that meant ''And fuck outta here with that racist nonsense! What year is it, anyway? You best be silent less you finna catch these paws, bitch!''
''Uh-oh,'' Ash understood perfectly.
''Comee heere whoooo's a goood kiittyy...'' Unfortunately, Tammy did not.
In an instant Tammy went from trying to pet a cat to fighting for her life. The barkeep leapt over the bar and went straight for her throat. They crashed backwards, breaking her wooden stool. It wasn't As they grappled with each other on the mahogany floor of the luxury suite, a crowd had gathered around them to spectate the fight. Ash tried to stop them, but the party goers were determined to let them have space to play it out. And the chanting had already started.
''Fight! Fight! Fight!''
The palico had her in a chokehold. Desperate for air, she rolled them both over, crashing into the buffet table. The aptonoth roast, the exciteshrooms, and even the lobster spilled over both of them in a cacophony of color and flavor. In the corner of the room an unimportant handler dressed in yellow cried out in despair. Tammy, still losing breath, attempted to stand up. It wasn't easy, but with the power of alcohol she found the strength inside herself to get on her feet. Now the problem was getting out of the chokehold. Suddenly she flashed back to basic training.
''Okay, class, let's talk mounting.''—The instructor drew a simple diagram on the chalkboard.
''Let's say you've mounted a Rathalos and hypothetically he deicdes to fling himself into a cave wall. Do you : A, switch position or B, brace for impact?''
''Brace for impact!'' A random student answered.
''Nope, you're just going to get mashed into the wall!''
''Man this stuff is useless! In a real fight you're not going to be thinking about any of this crap!'' Another student piped up.
''Hey! Trust me, this stuff is handy. One day you're going to be mounted on a monster and you won't have to consciously think about it if I do my job right! You'll have a quick flashback and instinctively know what to do!''
After Tammy finished her quick flashback, she instinctively knew what to do. She held onto the bartender's paws around her neck as tight as she could. Then she smashed herself backwards into the wall. Or rather, through an antique cabinet and into the wall. After feeling the paws of her opponent slack from her neck, she turned around to look at her handiwork. The bartender lay there mashed into the cabinet between the broken plates and broken shelves, defeated. The palico let out one last meow before passing out. A meow that simply said ''fuck you''.
A moment of silence. Then, cheers and applause. It was the best party Astera's seen in a while. Ash tended to Tammy's wounds while the palicos wheeled the unconscious barkeep away on a cart. Darwin, watching from the second floor, couldn't wipe the smirk off his face.
''Hey. Hey Jerma.'' Goren whispered from his top bunk. Barely audible over the party music blasting next door.
''Hey. Heyyyyy.''
''What?''
''You sleeping yet?''
''What do you think?''
''Ah well, I guess that was dumb. But I can't sleep.''
''I noticed,''—Jerma kept his eyes shut. A futile attempt at rest. Should have picked a farther bed, he thought to himself.
''Looks like you can't sleep either,'' Goren said. It was true. It was impossible to sleep like this. What with the hard, crusty beds and the party next door. It sounded like some kind of fight broke out just now too. And after a long pause Jerma finally replied.
''I don't have one.''
''What do you mean you don't have one?''
''I mean I don't have one. I'm just a janitor, man, I'm literally only here because there's nowhere else to go. All the menial jobs are taken! By cats!''
''Hey, you can't say that! You know that's—''
''I know, I know I've worked with these bastards before. They think they own the place and now they expect me not to call them cats I mean look at them! What else are they?''
''Palicos? Maybe? I don't like where this is going Jerma, you need to get woke.''
''You are interrupting my bedtime to literally tell me to get woke?''
''Well now that you say it, the irony is kind of funny.''
''Irony? You know what's ironic? Our team literally kills the dragon and we get the bunk beds, how's that for irony?'' Jerma said, exhausted after the day's efforts.
''You know, now that you mention it, that is kind of interesting.'' Goren mused.
''Right? Isn't that harder than getting the eggs? Where's our penthouse and champagne?''
''I don't know, it wasn't part of the mission? Maybe? I guess?''
''All the research commission does is hunt monsters.''—Jerma rolled over to the other side of his bed before continuing.
''Listen, the plan is tomorrow we're going to see if there was a bounty on that Rathian's head, at least we can get paid for that and buy some new matresses! Are these things filled with rocks?''
''For someone trying to go to sleep you sure talk a lot.'' The timid young hunter quipped.
''Yeah but you started it!''
Suddenly there was knocking on the door. The atmosphere turned heavy. Were they too loud? After all, the walls in this building were paper thin. Nevertheless, Jerma stood up from his bottom bunk bed to greet their visitor.
''Captain Erling! Good evening, sir!''
''That's alright, Flurgen, at ease, at ease...'' Erling said, giving the sleepy B-lister a reassuring pat on the back. His hands were a bit heavy and he smelled of something Jerma couldn't put his finger on.
''What brings you here sir? It's really—''
''We're sorry! It was Tammy! She made us do it!'' Goren interrupted before losing balance and slamming himself on the stone floor from his top bunk.
''No, no you're not in trouble. I just wanted to... confirm.. some information. How was the egg quest?''
''We failed,'' Jerma replied, ''That doesn't mean we get fired right?''
''No. Again, to be clear, you are not in trouble.''—Erling walked further into the room and closed the door before sitting down at the cramped table in the middle of the room. He then produced a notebook from his satchel.
''Has your team encountered the Rathian in any way today?'' The Captain spoke in a low voice.
''Yes, sir.''
''Have you engaged it in combat?''
''Yes, sir.'' Jerma replied. This was it, they were going to be rewarded.
''Ah, I see,''—Erling flipped through his notes— ''And according to our observations, the Rathian has not been spotted for several hours now, since the quest. I'm guessing you may have injured it somehow?''
''Yes, sir! We killed it!'' Jerma beamed. Finally, something going their way.
''You are aware you were meant to just bring the eggs home, correct?''
''Yes, sir. I don't understand, what's the prob—''
''You WEREN'T MEANT TO KILL IT!''—Erling pounded the creaky table with a heavy fist.
''It was tagged for research! You can't just go in the Ancient Forest killing whatever living being you find without a direct assignment! Do you think this is a game? Do you realize what you've done?!'' The captain struggled to keep his voice to a shouting whisper as to not awaken the recruits in the adjacent rooms. Jerma started to sweat. They were in trouble after all.
''Sir, we—'' The captain interrupted before Jerma could finish.
''What perplexes me is why you even did it? In all my years I've never seen anyone kill the Rathian during the first egg quest! It's clearly not the correct strategy! No wonder your team failed to secure victory! And furthermore, how did you even do it? You weren't even issued weapons yet!''
''We're sorry! It was Tammy! She made us do it!'' Goren said, quivering in fear.
Erling sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
''Okay, listen closely. That Rathian was a very important part of the Ancient Forest ecosystem. Without her...'' The captain paused, as if searching for the right thing to say.
''Have you boys ever heard of the food chain?''
The boys nodded.
''The reason we are here, the reason we have specific assignments is that the food chain here is incredibly delicate. Especially with us being here, the entire ecosystem rests on a knife's edge, do you follow?''
The boys nodded again.
''Right, so lets use our imaginations. What happens when we remove an important predator from the ecosystem?''
''Their prey multiplies? To the point of overpopulation?'' Goren gave up the obvious answer.
''Yes, very good. So? In the Ancient Forest what would a big monster like a Rathian like to eat?''
''Smaller monsters?'' Goren replied once again.
''Correct again! Now what do those smaller monsters eat?''
''I don't know...maybe aptonoths? Jagras? Local vegetation? Fish?''
''And what do we eat?''
Goren's eyes widened.
''Oh no.''
Meanwhile, at the luxury suite, Tammy was close to the drunkest she'd ever been. Definitely in the top twenty. She was behind the bar serving everyone their drinks in place of the original palico bartender. And the party was pumping. The fight gave everyone there a huge surge of adrenaline. It was an insane banger of a party. Even Ash was loosening up. He was behind the bar as well, helping Tammy with the more complicated orders.
''Ayo Tammayyy! One more round of Astera's finest beer for me and the homies!''
''Shoore thanng brrothaa!'' The Farcaster heiress slurred as she splashed a half dozen mugs full of draft beer. This was almost the best party ever. Until Ash Lee tapped her on the shoulder.
''Asshshh whazzaaapp?'' She said.
''Tammy, there's someone here wants to talk to you.'' Ash whispered into her ear. It sounded serious.
''Taalk about wha~?''
''It's Darwin, from the winning team! He says that was his palico you beat up!''
''Waiittt, whaa?''
''Just.. just come with me!''—Ash pulled Tammy by the sleeve, leading her outside. On the deck, there he stood.
Darwin was a tall man with beady eyes, as if he needed glasses but never wore them. He was skinny with the exception of a slight beer belly, and he spoke with a very low pitched voice.
''So,'' he said, ''you're the famous Tammy Farcaster.''
''Yuupp that's meee''
''You beat up Danny.''
''Who's Danny?''
''Danny is my partner. The one you so carelessly beat the shit out of.''
''Whhooo?'' Tammy asked. The whole situation was starting to sober her up a little.
''The bartender, Tammy! Danny was the bartender!''
''Yes, Danny was the bartender.'' Darwin confirmed in a chilling tone.
''Not only that, but you've damaged our suite! It's going to cost a fortune to repair all this!'' Darwin said, stifling a smile.
''That heirloom cabinet from the first fleet alone is going to cost a hundred thousand zenny!''
''We don't have that kind of money!'' protested Ash.
''Oh yes you do. Or rather, Farcaster does. Don't you?''
''You ain't getting a single fucking coin you piece of shit!'' Tammy snapped back at him. She was sober enough to form complete thoughts now, and the only thought she had at the moment was kicking Darwin's ass to match his cat's.
''Ah, ah, ah, Farcaster.''—Darwin snapped his fingers and his three teammates came out of the shadows like thugs and grabbed Ash and Tammy by the arms.
''Well, if you don't like this arrangement, I could always just bring it up to a higher authority. I'm sure my uncle, the Research Commission Commander would be fair on you.''—Tammy and Ash looked at each other in utter disbelief.
''After all it was only violence and property damage due to racial insensitivity. You only broke my things and hurt my palico, I'm sure the consequences won't be too dire.'' Darwin chided them as he started walking circles around his prey.
''Maybe you were jealous that we won? Taking your frustrations out on your more successful rival? I can see that. Rich girl always gotta get what she wants, right, Farcaster?'' Darwin rubbed more salt in the wound.
Darwin leaned in closer. So close in fact that Tammy could smell the lobster.
''Or maybe you were desperate?'' Darwin sensed a tiny change in Tammy's expression. Bingo.
''Ooh, Farcaster has a secret!'' he said. He was right on the money and he knew it.
''Oh yes,'' Captain Erling said, after letting the conversation stew in silence for a few moments.
''We were already facing a food shortage, but now without that predator to keep monster populations down, the only way to keep our supply up is to adjust the ecosystem ourselves.''
''What does that mean?''
''That means more missions, Mr. Flurgen. More missions for everyone.''
''Alright! Isn't that good for the economy though?'' Jerma thought he had it all figured out.
''More missions also means less pay, Mr. Flurgen. We don't have the money to do this but the jobs must be done! You know nothing Jerma Flurgen''
It was true, he did know nothing.
''Luckily, we have an amazing group of new fivers this year. There's this one new A-List team that is breaking all the records you should see it! It boggles the mind! But even they can't fix the ecosystem on their own!'' Erling said before another heavy sigh.
''It looks like tough times ahead.''
''Don't worry, sir! If there's any way we can make up for our mistake let us know we'll do it!'' Goren assured Erling.
''Oh, but there is... one... way...'' Erling mused. Jerma suddenly had a bad feeling. The kind that goes up your spine and settles like lead in your stomach at the same time.
''We are running low on fertilizer for our farms. Gathering up some new fertilizer would be amazing and offset the food shortage a little bit.'' The captain said, but Jerma and Goren didn't like where this was going.
''If you boys truly want to make it up to the Research Commission, this is the most direct way to help.''
''Where can we gather fertilizer though? I don't know anything about plants...'' Goren said.
''Monster. Dung.''
''What.'' The teammates said in unison.
''Starting tomorrow.''
''WHAT?'' They said in unison again, but louder this time.
''Starting tomorrow, you'll be gathering all the monster dung you find in the Ancient Forest. It's full of nutrients! Our researchers have a new recipe for what they're calling Mega Fertilizer. And it's mostly monster dung.'' Erling said, finally relaxing. He almost had a smile on his face.
''It would be great if your team could gather enough this week to last us this next harvest cycle! Maybe about a few hundred kilograms. Just as much as you can gather! We need all the fertilizer we can get! ''—Erling stood up from the table satisfied. A solution had been found.
''Sir, a hundred kilograms?'' Jerma asked.
''A hundred minimum. Just enough for crops to feed the new fivers!''
''You can't be serious!''
''I mean you could always just replace the Rathian you killed! Just find another one and lure it there! That's the alternative!''
''But that's impossible!''
''Yes. Indeed it is. So this week you're collecting at least a hundred kilos of monster dung for fertilizer!''
Jerma and Goren looked at each other, the light gone from their eyes. So much for the new world.
''Don't worry, you boys will be compensated!''
Perhaps they thought too soon!
''I'll get you a meal voucher for every ten kilograms you bring in!''
Nevermind.
''Why don't you tell your friend, Farcaster?'' Darwin said.
''What's going on, Tammy?''—Ash had no idea at all what Darwin was alluding to. But finally, Tammy broke.
''I'm disowned.'' She said, in a defeated whisper.
''Tammy?''
''Louder for the people in the back, Tammy!''
''I've been disowned! There! Happy now, you dick? I can't pay you back! You can choke on it you piece of sh—'' Tammy had her arm twisted by one of Darwin's goons.
''Oh no, you'll still pay it back. I'm going to need hmm let's see...'' Darwin said, thinking to himself a little before choosing his next words. Then, he leaned in
''Alright, One Million Zenny by the end of this week, or I'm telling my dad you're a violent racist and get you kicked out of here, plus I'll tell everyone you're no longer heiress to the Farcaster fortune!''—Darwin's lobster breath wafted all over Tammy's face.
''You can't do that! I have nowhere else to go! Why else am I in the new world?''—In a shocking turn of events, tears started welling up in Tammy's eyes.
''You'll never get away with this you little creep!'' Ash retorted before painfully having her arm twisted a little further as well.
''Hmm, I think I will though.''—Darwin snapped his fingers, and somehow his goons knew exactly what to do. They dragged Tammy and Ash to the edge of the deck where the stairs leading down to the marketplace were.
''Welcome to the New World, bitch.'' Darwin said as the goons threw Ash and Tammy down the long, long staircase.
/
Authors notes : Yo it's been a while. Fatalis just came out it's hard as heck. If anyone's still reading this I love you also I'm sorry. Btw any suggestions what weapon I should give Jerma?
- pelican