Chapter 20

King Cresta Joisür once again knocked on Tahiri Veila's bedroom door. "Miss Veila, please open the door."

Through the wood of the door, he sounded calm, although Tahiri feared that he was still angry at her for spying on him and then attacking him. He had probably come to kick her off Latru or lay down whatever punishment he saw fit for her. But Tahiri was not in the mood to be lectured or yelled at; she had had enough of that from Luke Skywalker. In fact, she was too upset to deal with anyone at the moment. She decided to remain silent and hope the King would leave.

No such luck. "I had hoped that we could have a face-to-face conversation, but I suppose this will have to suffice." Cresta paused for a second before continuing, "I wanted to apologize for my outburst earlier."

Tahiri thought she must have misheard. He was apologizing to her? What did he have to apologize for? His anger in the forest had been a justified response to her actions and words. In that moment, she wanted to ask him why, but part of her was still wary. Perhaps his apology was a ploy to get her to open the door.

"I can understand why you are suspicious of me, and my actions tonight have done me no favors. I was hoping you would forgive me so that we may move past this."

Cresta's subsequent pause indicated that he was waiting for Tahiri to reply. She decided there would be no harm in responding through the closed door. "You have every right to be mad at me. Everything that happened tonight is my fault." Silence followed, and Tahiri was afraid that she may have fallen into a trap. Perhaps the King had been waiting for her to confirm that she was in the room so that he could launch some kind of attack against her.

But then he said, "You weren't entirely wrong about one thing. You accused me of ignoring the suffering of the rest of the galaxy. While I'm not unsympathetic to it, I have willfully stood by and watched it happen. Every time I receive news, I am tempted to reach out and offer whatever assistance my world can provide. And every time, I tell myself that, for the good of my people, I must do nothing. That thought gives me some small comfort, although I still feel guilty about it."

Despite her skepticism, Tahiri found herself moved by Cresta's confession. She stood up from her bed and began to walk towards the door, ignoring the small voice in her head that was warning her not to fall into his trap. Stopping a few feet from the door, she responded, "There's nothing wrong with looking out for your people. I don't blame you for that. And I don't expect you to help other people. It's not like you can actually make a difference." Too late, she realized how that sounded. "I mean," she floundered, "of course you can make a difference. You just don't have a lot of… I'm sorry, that came out wrong." She squeezed her eyes shut, silently ridiculing herself and waiting for Cresta to yell at her.

To her surprise, she heard him laugh. "It's quite all right. I know what you meant."

Tahiri breathed a sigh of relief and gave a soft laugh of her own. When Cresta did not say anything for a few seconds, she asked timidly, "So, are you still mad at me?"

"Not anymore. But I kindly ask that you refrain from spying on me in the future."

She nodded, even though he could not see her. "I promise. Thank you."

"No, thank you. I'm glad we were able to sort this out." Cresta paused briefly before finishing, "Well, good night, Miss Veila. Tomorrow should be a very exciting day." This was followed by the soft sound of footsteps.

Deciding quickly, Tahiri opened the door. Cresta had already begun walking away from her room, but he paused and turned around to face her. He had a gentle smile on his face. Tahiri suddenly found herself unable to put her thoughts into words. Knowing she had to say something, she asked, "Would you like to sit down for a minute?"

Cresta's smile widened and he answered, "I would like nothing more." As Tahiri held the door open, he entered the room and strode over to one of the purple armchairs. He did not sit down, however, until Tahiri had sat down in the other chair.

Once they had both settled in, Tahiri asked, "How do you stay so positive all the time?"

Cresta's eyebrows rose in surprise at this question. "I do not know," he answered. "I've been accustomed to that mindset for so long, that it has become second-nature to me." He stared into space as he puzzled it over. "I suppose it helps me to think about everything I have to be thankful for."

Tahiri took a moment to consider his response and try to think of things that she was thankful for. None came to mind. Returning her attention to the King, she asked, "Like what?"

He shrugged, "Well, my family, for starters. They are happy and healthy." He looked around, as though taking in the entire room. "I have a home – a comfortable one, at that. And… my kingdom is prospering. My people are happy. And that's enough to make me happy."

That did not help Tahiri. She did not have a family, and nearly everyone she knew was not happy with her. She did not have any place that she considered home, not even the Jedi Temple. And she certainly did not have a kingdom. "What if you had none of those things? How would you manage to stay positive?"

Cresta's smile inverted itself, and Tahiri was afraid she may have made him too uncomfortable. But he answered anyway, albeit with less confidence. "Well, I, uh, I would still be alive and healthy. I suppose that counts for something."

"What if that isn't enough for you?"

He arched an eyebrow. "We're not talking about me anymore, are we?" When Tahiri shook her head in response, he asked, "Do you really have nothing to be thankful for?" Forlornly, she shook her head again. "You don't have a family?"

"I don't really remember my parents," Tahiri answered. "They died when I was three. I was raised by Tusken Raiders until I was nine. That's when the Jedi found me and began to train me."

"Ah, my condolences. Surely, then, you must have friends?"

Tahiri thought about that for a moment. She did not consider herself to be close enough to anyone to call them friends. The Solos were the closest thing she had to friends, but she was no longer sure if they wanted to be friends with her anymore. Finally, she replied, "No, not really."

A few seconds later, Cresta hesitantly responded, "Don't take this the wrong way, but… have you tried making friends?"

Tahiri's first reaction was to be affronted by that question. Why wouldn't I try making friends? But, upon further consideration, she realized that it was actually a good question. Now that I think about it, I haven't tried making friends. Not since I left Caedus, at least. Then again, there's a reason for that. No one wants to be my friend after what I did. Anyone who does is only doing so out of pity, which is not what I want.

No, her lack of trying was definitely not the problem. But she could not explain that to the King without revealing her crimes to him. So, she simply stated, "It's complicated."

Cresta gave her a quizzical look. "It is a simple 'yes' or 'no' question. How is it complicated?"

Tahiri took a moment to form an answer that would not give too much away. "I made a big mistake a few years ago, and people don't want to be friends with me."

"Well, that cannot be true. Of all the people in the galaxy, there must be someone who could be your friend. Perhaps you haven't been looking hard enough."

"That's not the problem," she replied, although she inwardly conceded that Cresta had a point. Still, she did not have the luxury of being able to travel the galaxy searching for a friend. For one thing, it was a big galaxy. For another, the Alliance would not allow her to roam freely after what she had done. "Again, it's complicated."

"Oh, we have plenty of time on our hands," the King pointed out. "Perhaps if you explained it to me, I could be of more help."

"I don't want to talk about it," snapped Tahiri, looking away from him. She had not meant to sound so rude, but she was past the point of wanting the conversation to continue. She had asked Cresta for advice, he had given it, and it had turned out to be of no use to her.

Cresta raised his hands either in a motion of surrender or to urge Tahiri to remain calm; perhaps both. "Then I will not inquire further," he said.

Tahiri was surprised; she had not expected him to give up so easily. "Thank you."

"But, if I may…"

She failed to suppress her grimace. It appeared he had not given up after all.

He continued, "I know what it's like to feel alone." Surprised, Tahiri turned to face him, but he had already turned away from her and was staring into space. "When the people who cared about you are gone, the universe feels like a cold and empty place, so much so that it feels like a totally different place in which you are hopelessly lost. When everyone around you feels like a stranger, you retreat into a shell from which you fear to emerge. You watch their lives go on without you, so you believe that you must have no worth. And the longer you feel this way, the worse it becomes until, eventually, you can no longer live with your pain."

Tahiri's mouth hung agape as the King accurately described everything that she was feeling. Hearing him say it aloud made it seem much more real than it had before. Through the tears welling up in her eyes, she stared at him in wonder.

"When I became King," Cresta explained, "I had just lost my entire family, and no one believed I could rule. Every day, I was overwhelmed by my responsibilities, and it seemed like I could do nothing right. Meanwhile, my people were suffering more and more every day, and there was nothing I could do to help them. I confess that, more than once, I considered ending my own life to relieve myself and, perhaps, my people of my failures." A shadow seemed to fall over his face as he said this.

Tahiri tried to imagine what it must have been like for him, as a young boy, suddenly losing everything and having the weight of an entire world thrust upon him. Her own troubles, which were almost too much for her to handle, paled in comparison. Yet, somehow, he had overcome his challenges and now led a happy life, as well as a happy kingdom. She asked, "How did you get through all that?"

A warm smile brightened Cresta's face. "I found someone who still believed in me – my best friend, Tyllia. We had known each other for as long as we could remember. As children, we played together. We would run off into the mountains, even though our parents forbade it. We claimed the largest tree we could find as our own secret hideout." He laughed softly at the memory. "We were nearly inseparable, even when we had the occasional disagreement. There was never any rift between us. It was as though the universe had seen fit to bind us together.

"After I became King, it became harder and harder for us to find time together. But, whenever we were together, I could forget my troubles, if only for a brief time. As things started to get worse, I descended into despair, and it was only her words of encouragement that kept me going. Soon enough, our friendship grew into something more." His smile grew wider. "One day, when we were both twelve, we shared our first kiss beneath our tree. My memory is not what it used to be, but that I still remember vividly." He paused to allow himself to reminisce.

Tahiri, meanwhile, thought back to her first kiss with Anakin Solo. It had been during the Yuuzhan Vong War when she was fourteen. They had been sent to Yag'Dhul to warn the native Givin of an impending Vong invasion. Unfortunately, the Givin had been skeptical of their claims and held them captive aboard Yag-prime, a space station orbiting the planet. While they were being interrogated, the invasion force had arrived. Together, they fought the Vong back until the Givin began to decompress the station to vent the invaders into space. Tahiri and Anakin had been forced to seek refuge together in a cramped storage locker. Fearing that they were about to run out of air, they confessed their long-unspoken feelings for each other and shared their first – and only – kiss. Tahiri remembered it fondly, despite the crazy circumstances that had led to it.

Cresta continued, "That was the moment I knew that we were in love with each other. After that, things began to look up – not only for me, but for the entire kingdom. You could call it luck or coincidence, or even the Force, but I believe that our love spurred a change in me that allowed me to rule with confidence. Our love saved this world. The moment we were both old enough, we were married beneath the tree where we had fallen in love." His smile faded, and the shadow once again fell over his face. "Now, Tyllia is buried beneath that tree… and, one day, I shall join her."

Tahiri knew that this was supposed to be a happy story, but all it did was make her wonder what her life with Anakin would have been like had he survived. Certainly, Tahiri would never have joined Darth Caedus; she would still be a Jedi instead of one of the most hated beings in the galaxy. But what else would have been different? Would she and Anakin have gotten married? Would the Skywalkers and Solos have become her family? Would she have had children, or even grandchildren? Would she have grown old with her one true love? What other wonderful possibilities could never be?

"I'm sorry, I did not mean to upset you."

The unexpected voice of Cresta jolted Tahiri out of her reverie and she saw that he was looking at her with a concerned expression. It was only then that she realized she had been crying. Wiping away her tears, she cleared her throat and replied, "It's not your fault, I just… hearing you talk about your wife like that made me think of…" She had no idea what possessed her to begin telling the King about her tragic love life. She did not want him to pity her like so many others did, and it was really none of his business. Most of all, she did not know him well enough to trust him with such a personal story. Yet, after hearing him open up just now about his own struggles and his own love, she felt strangely comfortable doing just that.

"When I was brought to the Jedi Academy," she explained, "I became close friends with a boy named Anakin Solo. We trained together, went on missions together…" Some of their more interesting adventures came to mind, prompting Tahiri to smile fondly and add, "Saved each other's lives a few times. When we were teenagers, we fought together in the Yuuzhan Vong War. During one battle, when we thought we weren't going to survive… I guess, over time, I started to see him differently. I don't know if I really knew how I felt about him until that battle. We told each other how we really felt about each other. And then… we kissed." She smiled sheepishly, a little embarrassed by her admission. Cresta smiled broadly and gave a soft chuckle, which made Tahiri chuckle, as well.

Once she had regained her composure, her smile vanished in anticipation of the next chapter of her story. "Not long after that, we were sent on a mission to Myrkr. The Vong had created creatures called voxyn, which they genetically engineered to kill Jedi. Our mission was to destroy the voxyn and the lab where they were being created. Anakin was wounded, and he…" Tahiri paused while she mustered the strength to finish the sentence. "He sacrificed himself to blow up the lab."

Cresta's face seemed to droop as he processed this. "Oh. Oh, I am sorry. I cannot imagine losing Tyllia at such a young age. I do not believe I would have been able to go on living." He gave her a weak smile. "You must have great strength in you, Miss Veila."

She scoffed. "I wouldn't say that. If I really were strong, I would have moved on. Instead, I…" She cut herself off before she could reveal anything more.

The King did not seem to notice, however. He merely responded, "Well, how could you move on? You have lost the love of your life. The pain stays with you, does it not? You can hide it, but it is always there, hidden beneath the surface. To live with that pain, particularly for as long as you have, that must take strength."

Tahiri considered this. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps she had been stronger than she thought. But that still did not excuse what she had done as Darth Caedus' apprentice. It had been her grief that had allowed him to trick her into thinking she could change what had happened on Myrkr. She had committed terrible acts for him in exchange for the promise that he would teach her the flow-walking technique. Rather than accept her grief as a part of her, she had let it drive her to the dark side of the Force. Where was the strength in that?

"You disagree?"

Tahiri was surprised to hear Cresta say that. Had he somehow been able to tell what she was thinking? Or perhaps her feelings were written all over her face.

The King eyed her appraisingly. "There is more to the story, isn't there? Something happened after Anakin's death, something you… feel guilty about?"

She felt the heat rising in her face. "What makes you say that?"

"I told you, I am very good at reading people."

Tahiri was not sure if she believed that. But the fact remained, King Cresta could tell that she felt guilty about something, and if she continued to hide it from him, he would become suspicious of her. Would he then try to force the truth out of her? Would his kindness fade and be replaced with the anger he had shown in the forest? She had only just begun to trust him; she did not want to throw that away. In the interest of keeping that trust, perhaps being honest with him was the right thing to do.

But if she told him the truth, would the end result not be the same? Once he knew what Tahiri had done, he would never trust her again. Or maybe he would forgive her. After all, he had forgiven the Republic for what they had done to his kingdom during the Clone Wars. What Tahiri had done was worse, she believed, but it had not affected Latru, so she supposed she had that in her favor. It was a small hope, but it was still hope.

So, she told Cresta everything, beginning with the day Jacen Solo had first flow-walked with her, showing her that she could be reunited with Anakin. She went on to explain how she had spied for him, tortured for him, murdered for him, betrayed the Jedi Order – and her friends – for him. And she tearfully explained why she had done all those things; that she had been too weak to move on from her loss, that she had been foolish enough to believe the lies Caedus had fed her, that she had been clinging to a childish fantasy. She told him about the moment she had discovered the truth of Caedus' deception, how Ben Skywalker had convinced her to renounce him, and how she and Luke Skywalker had managed to cut a deal with Chancellor Dain to keep her from being arrested. Finally, she summarized what her life had been like since then. She described the contempt and pity she faced on a daily basis, her inability to contribute to the war effort, and her feelings of worthlessness and unbelonging.

Cresta did not interrupt Tahiri as she told her story, even when she paused to dry her eyes or take a breath between sobs. However, he did fix her with an expression of wide-eyed, open-mouthed shock. She feared that her hopes of forgiveness had been dashed, but still she continued to speak. When she was finished, she sat crying and waiting for the King to pass judgement on her. For several moments, he did not react; he simply continued to stare at her. Finally, he stood up and took two steps forward so that he stood over her. She closed her eyes and braced herself for whatever he was about to do.

To her surprise, she felt a pair of large, wrinkled, calloused hands engulf her own small, smooth ones. She opened her eyes and found herself gazing into Cresta's blue orbs. He had knelt in front of her so that their eyelines were level. And he was smiling. It was not his usual, joyful smile, but rather a gentle, sympathetic one. "You have made mistakes," he said, "But you have atoned for them. That makes you a good person."

A good person. Those three words echoed in Tahiri's head. No one had called her a good person in so long – not even herself. Now, hearing it from someone who had only just met her yet knew everything she had done, Tahiri felt like it was true. For the first time, she felt like the girl she had once been long before tragedy had befallen her. An unexpected wave of emotion rolled over her, causing her to break down in tears once again. In between sobs, she managed to say the words, "Thank you."

Cresta's smile broadened and his face seemed to emanate warmth. For a moment, he cast his eyes downward in thought. Haltingly, he said, "I believe you deserve a fresh start, Miss Veila. In fact, uh, perhaps you might find it here, on Latru."

It took Tahiri a second to understand what he may have been suggesting. As soon as it hit her, her smile vanished. In case she had misunderstood him, she asked, "What do you mean?"

The King cleared his throat. "The galaxy will always remember you for your misdeeds. People will always judge you harshly for them. But, here, no one knows who you are or what you've done. Perhaps you should take advantage of that clean slate. You are very welcome to stay here if you wish. I would be happy to help you begin a new life in whatever capacity you wish."

Tahiri stared at him in amazement. "You really mean it? I could live here?"

He nodded. "I understand this is a rather difficult decision. Why don't you sleep on it and give me your answer tomorrow?" With a grunt of effort, he stood up and left the room, wishing her good night before closing the door behind him.

Tahiri's mind whirled. She had a chance to start over completely. She could, at last, escape the ghosts of her past. She could escape the war, the Alliance, and everyone who hated her. She could live on Latru and enjoy its peace and prosperity. Perhaps she could even make new friends who would not judge her for her past actions.

But then she thought about the prospect of leaving behind everything she had ever known – the Jedi, the Temple, her friends, the Solos. Despite the bitterness between them, she wasn't sure she was ready to leave them behind. And what did she have on Latru? Nothing. No home, no friends, no family, no job. Did she really want to start over from nothing?

She puzzled the dilemma over in her head for the next several hours until she drifted off to sleep.

Thank you for reading this chapter! If you have any comments or questions, please leave them in your reviews or private messages.