Chapter 21: The Truth I Seek

April, I like you even more than that.

I have feelings for you. I can't explain those feelings, but they make me uncomfortable whenever I see you smiling at other boys-

"Argh!"

I groaned loudly in frustration as I slammed a pillow against my face, yelling gibberish into it as I turned side to side on my bed. Never had I been so haunted by something that I lost sleep because of it. Yet, here I was, unable to get a wink of sleep because of Baldi's words. And worse than that, the moment I just woke up from my slumber, I was immediately reminded of them. I had tried to get back to sleep, but I wasn't able to. I had tried browsing through social media on my phone, but I couldn't focus on anything. I had tried every way possible to occupy myself, but nothing worked. All my effort was in vain. There was nothing I could do to get them out of my head, so I had no choice but to endure them.

The sun had risen high in the sky, so I glanced over the digital clock on my nightstand and found out that it was nine in the morning. Thank goodness that today was Saturday. I really didn't have any strength to go to school now. I would rather miss class than go to school in this state.

They make me afraid of losing you so much that I've been hesitant to let you stay close to other guys.

Baldi's words rang in my mind once more, but instead of getting frustrated and messing up my bed, I just lay still and sighed exasperatedly.

I got what I wanted yesterday – I finally knew the true reason Baldi had been so overprotective, but little did I know that it created more unsolved questions, instead of ending things like I had expected. I wished I hadn't run away last night. I probably should have stayed and listened to what he had to say, because if I had done so, maybe we could have talked it through.

However, the more I thought about it, the more puzzling this whole thing got. What was the actual solution to this? This wasn't a Math problem that had the correct answer set in stone. This was ten times more complicated than any Math problem I had come across, and in fact, I wasn't sure if this situation had a solution to it. What could we do to move on with our life without feeling the uncomfortable air engulfing us whenever we're around each other? Pretend that this never happened? Accept his feelings? I was certain that the second option wasn't the answer here, as I had yet to decide how I felt about Baldi. Who was he in my eyes? Was he a friend or something more?

That wasn't important right now. I should probably get over my fear and talk it through with him. Yeah, it would be awkward as hell, but it would better than avoiding each other and making things more complicated – not that it would be possible to avoid him when we were literally living under the same roof. Besides, the more I left this unsolved, the more difficult it would be to bring it up. It was best to get this done with as soon as possible.

Having made that decision, I sat up and got out of bed right away. Today was weekend, so Baldi was probably in the dining room like usual.

… Okay, maybe not.

To my surprise, there was no sight of him in the dining room or in the kitchen. He wasn't in the living room either, so I suspected that he was either still sleeping or in his office working, though I really doubted that he was sleeping – he was an early bird, unlike me, and I could never understand how in the world he could always wake up before eight a.m, even if there was no reason for him to wake up early that day. This meant the only place he could be at right now was his office.

But still, I found it rather strange. Throughout the time I had lived with him, he had never worked right after breakfast. Usually, whenever I walked into the dining room on weekend morning, I would always see him sitting there at the table, checking his phone or reading a book, and he wouldn't start working until at least ten a.m or so – he still had to enjoy his weekend morning somehow. Another thing that struck me as odd was that there was no food on the table. It wasn't as if I was a princess who demanded that breakfast be ready when she woke up, but on days I decided to sleep in, Baldi would make breakfast for me and sit there, waiting for me to come downstairs. Perhaps this situation made him feel so embarrassed that he tried to finish breakfast before I woke up and hid himself in his office. If so, then I had another reason to regret running away last night.

But really, all that was in my mind at that moment was "run". This was… so surreal, so impossible that I couldn't wrap my head around it. Never had I imagined a scenario where Baldi confessed that he had romantic feelings for me, a mere teenage girl who was just his childhood friend, nothing more. Yet, here he was, pouring his heart out to me and admitted that he didn't want to let boys come close to me because he was afraid I would choose them over him. I pinched my cheek to check whether this was a dream, and turned out that it wasn't. But if this was real and Baldi actually had feelings for me, then when exactly did he start developing those feelings?

Speaking of which, maybe I should think about my own feelings too, because I would have to either accept or reject his confession when we talked face-to-face. There should be no "in-between" or "I don't know" answer. I must be clear and straightforward.

To start off, Jesse said in order to check whether I really liked him romantically, I should ask myself if I always tried to find opportunities to be near him.

And the answer was… I did?

Ever since I became close to him, I had always enjoyed spending time with him. Having found out his nice and friendly side, I wasn't afraid to be near him, and in fact, I… looked forward to more. Every time I had to leave, I got a little upset, as it was pretty difficult to have a private meeting with him. Now that I was living with him, there was no need to worry about it anymore. I got to see him as long as we were both at home. I enjoyed sitting next to him as we watched a movie together. I liked surprising him with a hug from the back, as well as midnight snacks when he stayed up late to work. I loved taking care of him and doing the best I could to make sure that he was living happily and healthily.

Did that mean that I like him?

No, no, that wasn't it. That was just how friends and siblings showed their support for each other. That couldn't be romantic feelings, but a part of me wasn't convinced yet, so I tried to find something else to confirm it. Let's see… Jesse did say I should also imagine him being close to other girls and see if I got jealous.

I was about to do so before I realized I didn't actually need to imagine – he was surrounded by girls all the time, so I just needed to recall the time I caught a girl flirting with him about, what, just four days ago?

…

Nah, no jealousy detected-

Get away from him.

Startled by the words ringing in my mind, I jumped. At first, I thought it was just my imagination acting up, but after calming down, I remembered something – that was actually what I had thought when I was watching how that girl was clinging onto Baldi and giving him bedroom eyes, despite how much he was trying to ignore her and tell her it was inappropriate. I could also remember how hard I was clutching the notebooks in my hand while trying to suppress the urge to just walk between them, push that girl aside and pull Baldi away.

No, that couldn't be it. That wasn't jealousy. That was just me getting angry that other girls were crossing his boundaries-

Hurry up, damn it.

Another thought crossed my mind, and I was brought back to a day three weeks ago, when a different girl walked up to Baldi to ask him some questions about that day's lesson. Most of the time, when I didn't have anything to ask Baldi, I would just head out of the classroom, but I somehow had a bad feeling about this girl in particular, so I purposely walked as slowly as possible to observe her behaviors. Even though she wasn't invading his boundaries like the previous girl was doing, she definitely didn't look like someone who merely had questions about the lesson. There was something flirtatious about the way she tried to touch his hand, as well as how she constantly tried to make eye contact with him. And the way she smiled and giggled, there was nothing innocent or cute about it, despite how much she tried to make it seem so. After a long while, I finally realized she was actually trying to attract his attention by acting like a good student who was interested in the lesson, and I somehow had the fear that she might really succeed I was afraid that he would fall for her tricks and became interested in her. That was when I started to get uneasy, internally urging her to hurry up and becoming frustrated when she showed no sign that she was done talking to him.

And just like that, memories of similar situations flooded back to me…

Get your hands off him.

Keep your distance from him.

Don't you dare try to hold his hand.

… and everything seemed to be going against me. Nothing could help me prove that I wasn't romantically interested in him.

Did that mean I liked him more than a friend?

Okay, I really needed to stop thinking about this. The more I pondered it, the more I would find new things to question.

However, the other part of me had other plans. It didn't want to leave things at that and was determined to make me admit I had feelings for him. Sighing, I tried brush it off – though it was very difficult – and looked for ingredients to make pancakes, starting with the flour. Baldi must have eaten, so I probably didn't need to make anything for him. And speaking of Baldi, even though I had yet to be convinced that he was in his office, I made up my mind to believe it for now. Where else could he be? He could only in his office, right?

Right?

…

After three whole hours, I confirmed that the answer was a big "no".

The whole morning, I had cleaned the house, played games and cooked lunch, and Baldi had yet to be seen. We always had lunch together at twelve, and when I glanced at the clock on the wall, I found out I had been sitting at the dining table for more than half an hour just to wait for Baldi to come down to eat. Having lost my patience, I sat up from the chair and walked upstairs, not wasting a single second to head to his office. I understood that it wasn't easy to face the one you're interested in after a confession that had gone wrong, but he wasn't seriously going to skip meals because of it, was he? He did know it was impossible to avoid me or wait for me to leave the house, right?

Standing in front of his office, I took in a deep breath, gathering my courage before knocking on the door.

"Baldi, lunch's ready."

I waited for a few seconds but received no response.

"Baldi, lunch's ready."

No response once more.

"Baldi," I called again, this time in a rather impatient way. "If you're too busy, I can bring your food to you, if you want."

When I received no answer yet again, I began to get worried. Was he so afraid of facing me that he didn't dare reply? Why was he so quiet in there?

I'm sorry, Baldi.

I internally apologized to him as I gripped the doorknob and opened it slightly. Taking in another deep breath, I then looked inside to see that… there was no one. His room hadn't changed one bit and his stuff was still neatly placed at where they belonged, yet he was nowhere in sight.

"Baldi?"

Something hit my mind, and in one swift turn, I rushed to his bedroom and swung the door open, not bothering to knock anymore. To my dismay, he wasn't in his room either. That was when I started finding every way possible to confirm that he had gone out somewhere and would surely be back at a certain time. I checked my text messages. I returned to my room and messed it up, not caring if I would have to spend entire day reorganizing it afterward. I checked the fridge, the couch, the TV, his desk… literally everywhere possible to try to find any note that he might have left behind for me. I was panicking and my body was tired from running all over the house, yet I was still unable to find a single clue, so I grabbed my phone and tried calling him. This was my last chance to find out where on earth he was.

I dialed. No one picked up.

I dialed again. No one picked up.

I dialed again. No one picked up.

I dialed again… and again… and again… and no one picked up.

After the umpteenth time, I let my phone drop from my hand and onto the couch. It was now nine in the evening and the food I had prepared for lunch had gone cold, completely untouched. Having no appetite, I just ate a very poorly made sandwich, both for lunch and dinner, before idling around and wondering about Baldi's whereabouts. I had no energy to do anything at all, I didn't even have any desire to play games or watch TV. I felt helpless. I had waited a whole day and got no calls, no messages from him, nothing to confirm that he would return. I didn't mind him going somewhere for a day, a week or even a month, but I just needed something, anything at all, to let me know he was safe and sound.

"You're worrying me, Baldi. Where are you?"

I began talking to myself. I must look like an insane person, but it was better than trying to deal with the scary silence in the house right now. I feared that if I didn't do so, I might actually go crazy.

"Baldi, if you're too scared to talk to me, at least leave me a note or something. Don't just disappear like this."

"This is your house. You're seriously not going to abandon it just because of this, right?"

"Please… come back. I'm sorry I ran away last night."

"Please don't get the impression that I'm pushing you away. You're not going out with another girl to get over me, are you?"

"On second thought, I won't blame you if you're doing so. You must've felt rejected because I ran away. I understand."

"You can do whatever you want. You can date whoever you want. Who am I to stop you?"

"You deserve someone who will give you a clear answer right from the beginning, not someone who keeps denying their feelings for you, like me."

I would have tried to protest and convinced myself that the last part wasn't true, just like what I had been doing this morning, but I was too exhausted to do so, both physically and mentally. I no longer had any strength to keep arguing with myself and refusing to accept the truth. The answer had been there the whole time, yet I had been avoiding it until now.

I had developed feelings for him since a long time ago. Exactly how long, I would never know. But I did know that it was long enough for me to be afraid of losing him.

"Baldi, I'm such a silly girl, aren't I? I only admit my feelings now. If I'd been honest last night, this wouldn't have happened. I messed up bad, I know."

"There are so many girls out there who are brave, straightforward and worthy of your feelings, why did you choose me?"

"I'm nothing special. Why me, out of all the amazing women you could've chosen?"

"I'm serious, Baldi. You can literally make any woman fall for you. Look at all the girls at school who are crazy about you. Maybe I'm scared of seeing you with them because I know they have all the amazing qualities that make them the better choice. They're beautiful. They're smart. They're talented. They're all wonderful girls. And then look at me. I'm just a plain, troublesome teenager. Why me, Baldi? Why?"

"I beg you, Baldi. Come back and explain everything to me. My head hurts."

"Hey, now that I think about it, what if I'm just hallucinating? What if this is just a sick joke my mind invented to force me to admit my feelings for you? If that's actually true, then that will explain why you chose me. That's right – it's simply impossible."

I went on rambling, talking to the gloomy atmosphere surrounding me before falling asleep, too weary to keep my eyes open for any longer.

"April…"

A voice pulled me out of my slumber, eliciting a mumble from me.

"Hmm?"

"April, wake up."

"Why…?" I groaned tiredly, still not yet awake. "Baldi hasn't come back yet, so if I wake up, I'll continue to struggle with my feelings. I'd rather sleep until he's back."

"April, it's me, Baldi. I'm home."

"Oh, you're home. That's good-"

As if I hadn't just woken up literally five seconds ago, my eyes shot open and I sat up in one swift movement. I looked to the side and there Baldi was, staring at me with wide eyes.

I should be happy. I should greet him with a bright smile and a tight hug. But instead, I was outraged.

"BALDI!" I shouted at the top of my lungs as I gripped his shoulders. "Where have you been? Why didn't you answer my calls? Do you know how worried I am-"

"April, calm down! Calm down…"

He held my arm tightly as his other hand patted my back, his warmth spreading all over my body and made my heartbeat slow down to its original pace. I breathed in, breathed out until my body wasn't shaking anymore.

"I'm sorry, I'm just…" My voice was quiet as I spoke. "I- I've been so worried for you. Where have you been?"

He averted his gaze, not daring to make eye contact. "I… I was too afraid to face you yesterday, so I spent the whole day outside the house. I stayed at school to work for as long as I could and stayed at a hotel for the night."

"Why didn't you answer my calls?"

"I was frightened the night before yesterday, so I forgot to charge my phone. By the time I realized that, my phone was already dead." He paused for a few seconds before continuing. "I'm so sorry, April. It's just that… I thought you hated me, so I was scared to come home. I- I didn't know I made you so worried."

We both fell silent as an uncomfortable silence began to engulf us. I wanted to break it, but something was stuck in my throat. I found myself struggling to talk as emotions rushed through me. While I was relieved to know that he was okay, I was extremely upset over the fact that he just suddenly vanished without letting me know where he was. But I was to blame as well – if I hadn't run away, he wouldn't have thought that I hated him. I took in a deep breath before I mustered out.

"Idiot…"

He looked up from the ground to look at me.

"Baldi… You're an idiot… I won't blame you for feeling afraid, but you didn't need to scare me by disappear without a single word like that. And how- how can I ever hate you? H- How can this m- make me hate you?"

Tears were starting to form at the corner of my eyes, so I tried to hold them in as much as possible. Even though it was very difficult, I couldn't cry now, not yet. I needed to say it, or else I would regret it for the rest of my life. Biting my lips, I forced the words out of my mouth.

"I don't hate you. I- I like you! I like you too, Baldi!"

I was too afraid to look at him, but I could feel his gaze on me. In fact, I could feel him widening his eyes.

"I- I've been denying my feelings for you for such a long time, so when you told me you like me more than a friend, I- I couldn't think straight. The idea of us together, it's… it's just not something I'd dare to imagine…"

My eyes were still glued to the floor as I felt my face burning up, my heartbeat increasing as each second went by. But before long, a hand was placed on my cheek, making me turn back to see Baldi's beautiful dark eyes staring into mine.

"Are you being honest, April?"

Seeing the gleam in his eyes, I couldn't help smiling as I nodded, taking his hand into mine. "Yes, I am, Baldi. I'm not saying it just to be done with this. I truly have feelings for you."

A blissful smile bloomed on his lips before he pulled me into a warm embrace.

"I'm… I'm so glad to hear that, April." His voice was almost a whisper as he wrapped his arms around me. "No word can describe how happy I am right now."

My stunned expression was soon replaced by another smile as I returned the hug, pulling him close to me.

"I'm happy too, Baldi."