The next morning when Rose woke up and Kurt went in the room to get her, she squealed with delight. She immediately threw her hands up for him to pick her up. After he changed her, he carried her into the table and put her in her high chair. By then, Aliza was awake. He repeated the process and put Aliza in her chair next to Rose.
"Why-yah! Da-da! Why-ya! Da-da!" Rose started to smack her hands on her high chair tray.
"I think you have your answer," Kurt said. "'Why-ya' is Aliza."
Sebastian turned the heat down on the eggs he was cooking and came over to the table. He kissed Aliza on the cheek and put her bottle on her tray. He leaned over and kissed Rose on the cheek. "Yes, I agree. It's great to have Aliza and Daddy back home. I'm happy too."
She clapped. "Why-ya! Da-da!"
Kurt got up to grab a couple of jars of baby food. He opened the spinach first. He started to sing and Rose opened her mouth and ate the whole jar. He fed her bananas afterwards.
When he went over to the sink to remove the label and rinse the containers, Sebastian tickled him. "Show off," he teased.
Kurt turned and kissed him on the lips. "I'll teach you how to do the song right. You're good at choreography. You'll catch on fast, I'm sure."
Sebastian rolled his eyes and very quietly said, "Smart ass."
Kurt leaned in and spoke directly into Sebastian's ear. "I think you meant sexy ass."
"That too." He grabbed Kurt's waist and turned him to face him and kissed him.
Rose started clapping.
"We have an audience," Sebastian said.
Kurt shook his head, tipped his chin up, and feigned haughtiness. "No, my dear, we have a fan."
"Da-da. Pa-pa."
"I stand corrected." He kissed Kurt again and turned back to stove and plated the omelettes he had made for them.
Kurt carried them to the table while Sebastian washed the pan quickly. They sat down and ate together while the girls drank their formula.
"I think we need to go shopping," Kurt said. "Surely there's some kind of baby-friendly decorations we could get."
"And if not, we can just get some poinsettias for the table."
"We can look at Target. They have nice decorations usually."
"Sure. Let's get them dressed up and take them out. We could stop by my grandparents and drop off a poinsettia. My grandma loves them and it won't matter if she already has one or ten, she'll like one more. We can get the ottoman too."
"Lunch at Ikea?"
"Sounds like a plan."
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"Mmm, it smells good in here. I'm glad you thought to stick that stuff in the Crock-Pot before we left," Sebastian said. "Now, we can focus on assembling this."
Kurt had the back end of the ottoman box. "In here or the living room?"
"Here against the door for now because we have to go grab the coffee table and pull it out to make room for this."
They put the girls in the playard and got started. They stopped when Rose got fussy. They sat down, fed the girls, and ate. When they finished, they put some baby music on and danced around with the girls and sang for a little while. They put them back in the playard and finished the ottoman assembly in time for story time.
After they put the girls down to sleep, Kurt said, "Why don't you shower first? I need to call my dad."
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Kurt texted Burt asking him to call when he had a chance. He called right back.
"Hey, kiddo."
"Hey. So…"
"Yeah. So, I had a talk with Carole. She was upset that you left, but she was upset when you were here – just in a different way. You were right. She thought you would cave under the pressure of being a single parent and that you'd move back in with us and she'd get to have Aliza here all the time. She envisioned this halfway point between raising her herself and you raising her on your own – like you said you thought Finn would have done."
"Okay. So where does that leave us? Honestly, I want to stay here at home. This is my home now. I know it probably seems weird to you, but I'm where I want to be. Aliza is happy. I'm happy. Sebastian is willing to let me repay him later for Amaline watching Aliza this next semester as long as you can deal with running the shop short-handed for the next few weeks. I am sorry about that, but back when I agreed to it, things were fine with Carole watching her and I didn't foresee Carole being so upset by being around her. Aliza's picking up on that stress and she can't relax."
"I get it. I'll work part-time over the holiday to ease the workload at the shop. Will you be coming back for Christmas?"
"Carole's obviously not feeling like celebrating. Nothing's been decorated. Why don't you figure out what she wants and let me know? You could come here for a meal again."
"I'll see what I can figure out."
"Sorry you're stuck in the middle. I had no intention of leaving you short-handed."
"I know you didn't. I just wish I understood why you did this. You've been hell-bent on getting out of Ohio and performing since the first time your mom took you to a live show and you learned how movies were made. Why would you take on raising a baby?"
"If I had some amazing, definitive answer, I would give it to you, but I don't. What I can tell you is that I love her so much. I don't see her as anything but my daughter. It's just like with a regular adoption I would imagine. She's mine. The only thing that ever concerns me is how other kids will treat her for not having a mother and for having a gay father. I like being her dad. I just hope one day you'll love her too. Just because she doesn't have my DNA doesn't make her any less my daughter."
"I'm sorry, Kurt."
"You're under too much stress. I'm not angry with you."
"You're too generous towards me sometimes, though. I'm going to give you the money to pay for the nanny. I said I would cover a certain amount of your expenses, but when you found a way to cut them, I pulled my support. That was wrong of me. It's not like we weren't footing the cost of the gas for Carole to drive down there. And there were weeks when she just gave one of her shifts to someone else and took the loss in pay. I don't want you to feel bad about that. She made an agreement to watch her, so she kept it. Paying for Aliza's nanny isn't any more than paying for an apartment for you would have been. I'll deposit the money in your account at the beginning of each month so you can pay her."
"You're serious?"
"I am. I shouldn't have made it harder on you."
"So, is this just a one-semester arrangement or will you continue to pay Amaline?"
Burt paused. "You're making this sound a lot more long-term than I was thinking about actually."
"Oh, well, we haven't gotten to the second reason I wanted to talk to you."
"Which is?"
"I'm in love with Sebastian. I told him so when I got home last night. He's my boyfriend now."
"I see." He was obviously miffed.
"What's that tone supposed to mean?"
"It means the same thing that I said a few minutes ago. I just never imagined you settling down and playing house at 19."
"I'm not PLAYING house. I've been 20 for three months and I'm living with my boyfriend and our two daughters. This isn't a game. I love him and he loves me."
"I get it. I'm just not ready for it."
"Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's a permanent situation, so please do what you need to in order to get yourself READY for it."
Burt sighed. "I don't appreciate the snide tone of voice, but I get that I'm in the wrong. I'll work on it. Maybe I should go with Carole to see someone."
"When you choose someone, make sure you get an iron-clad confidentiality statement signed by whoever you two see. I don't want to find your life details and mine on the front of some gossip rag trying to tarnish your political career."
"That's true. I'll see what I can find. You're right though about her not going to see just anyone. I think that's a big part of the problem. Keeping the fact that Aliza is Finn's daughter a secret is hurting her the most. She envisioned having a grandchild so much differently than this. It's because her family doesn't accept you. If they did, she could take Aliza to the family events and show her off like her cousins have gotten to do with their grandkids. She had just never considered how this would play out. If Finn was still around, she would have had to deal with the same thing once you had a kid of your own. Finn's kids would have been welcomed and yours would have been shunned. Like you said, she's just never really dealt with the prejudice first-hand. You were at Dalton by the time they moved in. You weren't sharing how bad things were with me before that. I didn't have anything to tell her until things blew up big. She's not been around to see much of it other than that. The punks stopped the vandalism when we moved to the new house. Maybe they quit because Finn lived with us. Who knows? Plus, she didn't realize until last Christmas how a good portion of her family was going to react. That first Christmas, we just didn't participate in her family's stuff because were busy packing up both of our places and moving into the new house. She just told them ahead of time that she wouldn't make it to anything because she was using her days off to pack and move. It wasn't until last Christmas when some of them suggested that just she and Finn should come to their family Christmas gathering that she realized they were going to be like that. I went to New York to see you and she and Finn went to spend time with them. So, this is completely new to her. There's just a lot to deal with. But I know without a doubt that she loves you and she loves Aliza. I'll talk to her some more and let you know about Christmas."
"I would prefer to bring Sebastian and Rose if we visit at some point. They're part of my family now too. I know this all seems sudden to you because you're really busy all the time. You didn't see us together until Thanksgiving. By then, I had already been living here for two months and I spent half my time here the month before that. I feel comfortable with him in a way that I've only ever felt around Sam. I'm asking you to do some soul searching. Please, find a place in your heart for the three people I love."
"When you put it that way, I'd be a jackass not to. I need to get over myself. I've struggled with some anger issues since the chemotherapy. I really will find someone reputable and trustworthy to go see. I'll let you know about Christmas. I'm glad you're happy, Kurt. That's all I've ever wanted for you."
"I know, Dad. I really do know that. And I haven't given up my dream. Sebastian still wants to go to Columbia. I still want to go to New York. Just not yet. Aliza needs to be old enough to go to school. I can't afford childcare and rent in New York City while I'm in school."
"Okay, bud. I'm going to go. I love you."
"I love you too, Dad."
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When Kurt looked out his door, he saw that the bathroom door was open. He went ahead and showered. When he finished, he went to look for Sebastian and found him in the living room reading a book. He looked up when Kurt came through the dining area. He smiled and patted the sofa. Kurt sat down next to him and put his feet up next to Sebastian's on the new ottoman. He sat quietly, letting Sebastian continue to read. A few minutes later, Sebastian moved his bookmark, closed the book, and put it to the other side.
"Hey, handsome."
Kurt leaned towards him and kissed him on the temple. "Good book?"
"So far."
"I finished the one I picked up at the library before I went to my parents'. I went in my room and read when Aliza went down at 9 until her midnight feeding."
Sebastian reached for his hand. "I'm really glad you're here."
"Me too. My dad and I talked quite a bit. I was right in my guess as to what the actual issues are. He's going to get them in to see someone for some counseling. I told him about us."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. I got him to answer a few things. I hope he actually thinks about what I said. He's going to talk to Carole about either us going there for some sort of Christmas something or whether they would want to come here for a Christmas meal. He's going to let me know. What traditions does your family have?"
"Well, we went to my grandparents' on Christmas Eve for dinner and presents. They were always just small fun gifts. You know, the kind of gift where someone just thought of you when they saw it. I got things like funny socks or a funny t-shirt. I got a couple of different superhero items. Sometimes, I'd get a small Lego set. I remember getting a 500-piece puzzle once when I was young enough to feel like it was a big deal. We didn't make lists or spend much money. And I'd always get a new book. They'd sit around and talk about whatever while I'd play with what I'd gotten. At some point, I'd curl up in the big chair in the living room and read my new book. There was no fuss or stress. My grandparents just had the fire going and some instrumental Christmas music playing while the four of them sat around. They'd usually end up playing games too. When I got older, I joined in on that. They go out to see my uncle and his family for New Year's. My uncle flies them out there for a week."
"It sounds really nice, actually. And it's nice that they get to see your uncle and his family too."
"So, you'll come with us, right?"
"Yes."
Sebastian squeezed his hand. "On Christmas Day, we stayed home. My mom made a big brunch at lunchtime. I started getting Lego sets when I was four I think. They bought me a really complicated set every year. Of course, complicated at four is different than complicated at 18, but it would take hours, sometimes all day, to put it together. I told you I was a nerd."
"I'm not the least bit bothered by that. Go on."
"We'd watch movies while I'd build whatever it was that I got. That's it really. My parents snuggled up like we are now, and we just spent the day together. There was nothing complicated or stressful."
"Sounds nice. Ours was pretty similar except that I would get some kind of craft or art thing and I'd spend all day doing it. I also helped my mom make our brunch. After she died, I did my best to make a brunch on my own, but it took a few years before it came anywhere near what she made." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "The last time I told anyone this, it went really badly."
"What?"
"I don't believe in God. I consider myself agnostic because atheism seems to be really fervent in its assertion that there is no God. I'm very much apathetic about the whole thing. I have conflicting views about organized religion, so having the zeal to assert that I am right makes me feel too much like a religious person."
"Okay, so you're agnostic. Why did that upset someone?"
"Not just someone – pretty much everyone in Glee Club. I think that set me apart from everyone else more than my clothing or homosexuality had at that point. They were offended, really offended, that I didn't believe in God."
"Oh, well it doesn't bother me. I think I'm probably culturally Christian just because my parents continued to follow traditions that their parents had. But as far as personal religious beliefs go, I have none. I've never been to church. I've never done more than ten minutes of research into why there are many different kinds of churches. Once I saw that it was over sometimes very minute differences of opinion on the interpretation of a text that's ancient, I lost interest. I think I just lumped it into a 'sorting hat' mentality. Each house, or denomination in this case, thinks it's the best and goes about boasting about how it is better than the others or trying to prove the others wrong – neither of which appeals to me, so I just dropped it."
"Since neither of us believe in the religious aspect of the holiday, what about continuing the brunch and activity type gift tradition with you and the girls, but doing it on New Year's Day? That would prevent the difficulty of trying to have our own traditions while still being open to how my parents want to celebrate and still going to your grandparents' the night before Christmas."
"So, my grandparents' on Christmas Eve, whatever your parents want on Christmas Day? And then a we make a big brunch, play with the girls, watch movies, and just be together on New Year's Day – just the four of us?"
"Is that okay with you? I know you were looking for a small tree this afternoon when the girls got fussy and we decided to call it a day, but we could put some garland up along the top of the windows in here and hang any sentimental ornaments up on it. They'd be safe from small hands for a long time that way. I'd like to decorate in small ways, but just for the winter if that wouldn't bother you. Like candelabras in the windowsills and we could get up on a ladder and put white icicle lights on the high windows above the cabinets in the kitchen. It gets dark so early in the winter, the white lights in the rooms would help keep things cheery."
"That works for me."
"I'm morally opposed to Santa and the Elf on the Shelf. I would never tell Aliza that someone is watching her all the time. That is just creepy and borderline abusive to me. It's one thing to see shows where Santa delivers toys to everyone or to good kids. We can talk to them about it before we let them watch them, but I can't tell her that some person she doesn't know gets to decide whether she's been 'good enough' to deserve a gift."
"I hadn't gotten to the point of thinking about that. I don't honestly remember my parents making a big deal out of Santa. I do distinctly remember being told that other people's beliefs should never be made fun of, and if I had a different opinion, I should keep it to myself. And if I had questions, I should ask my parents, not someone else."
"That seems like a good thing to pass on when they're getting ready to start school."
"Unless you're opposed, whenever we go to your parents', we can bring the rest of your stuff here. This is your home too now. You can bring your books, your sewing stuff, and all of your clothes here."
"I'll need to get some boxes. We'll need to take both CRVs or we could take the truck and my CRV. With the girls and their stuff, we won't have room for anything else with just one vehicle. And I will need my sewing stuff for next semester since I'm taking a costuming class."
"Then that's settled. Amaline is still coming this week. We could go with one vehicle while she's here and not have to struggle with the girls."
"That will work." Kurt pulled Sebastian's hand up to his lips and kissed his knuckles. "Where are all of the Legos?"
Sebastian chuckled. "Under my bed. The girls can have them when they get big enough not to put them in their mouths. I even have the instruction booklets."
"My dad got me a lot of Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars. I had a really cool racetrack set and extra pieces to go to it. I used to make really cool layouts in the basement, but I don't have any of them anymore. I kept a few of the cars, but I gave all of the other stuff to one of the guys that works in my dad's shop to give to his boys two Christmases ago when we moved to the new house. Maybe we can put one of the Lego sets together on New Year's. The girls can watch and play in their highchairs or the playard. And in a few years, we can start them with your easy ones and let them build too."
"Sure. I got a really cool one last year. We'll buy one for ourselves this year if you want."
"I've never built much with them. I just had a few small bucket sets. No specialty pieces. We can just build something you already have."
"You can look through them one day while the girls are napping."
"Okay. Do you want to read more? I can read one of your books."
"Sure. Just go in my room and pick a book if you want. Or we can listen to music and snuggle."
Kurt got up. "I'll go pick a book. We can do all three if you pick something instrumental while I'm gone."
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An hour later, they both still reading.
Kurt broke the silence. "We got talking about holidays, and I forgot to tell you that my dad is going to pay Amaline."
"That's a surprise."
"It was. I honestly think your offer to loan me the money is what made him think about his stance. When he realized that you were willing to do something he hadn't considered doing, I think he felt bad. I told him that I wanted you and Rose included for Christmas because you're my family too."
"You told him that?"
"I did. I love you and Rose. I told him that this is my home and I want to be here because I'm comfortable here."
Sebastian's eyes lit up when he heard Kurt speak so confidently.
"I'm actually still kind of tired. Would you mind if we lie down and snuggle and listen to the music in the dark? The monitor is right there. We can hear them when they wake up."
A few minutes later, they were snuggled up together facing each, their legs covered with the throw.
Kurt reached out towards Sebastian, but paused. "Can I touch your face?"
"Yeah."
Kurt traced around his whole face, starting at his forehead and moving counterclockwise with his thumb. When he got to his chin, he moved his thumb up and ran it across Sebastian's lips. He moved from there to gently tracing his eyebrows, his eyelids, and down the slope of his nose. He moved back to his chin and finished the loop around his face. "How about your hair?"
"Yes, please."
He ran his hand through the short hair right above Sebastian's ear. "I'm sorry I insulted your hair. It's actually very nice. I was just being a bitch to you because I felt threatened."
"You already apologized. I forgave you. That feels really good. I like it a lot. We stopped hurting each other ages ago. Just leave it in the past, okay? I like where we are right now – here in our home where you are spoiling me by touching me very attentively. It's really relaxing while simultaneously arousing."
Kurt was emboldened by Sebastian's words and he moved his hand up towards the top of Sebastian's scalp and began to massage slightly as he moved his hand towards the back of head, which caused Sebastian to moan.
"Oh, that feels amazing. I had no idea how much I would like that."
"I didn't know how much I would like playing with someone's hair." Kurt scooted forward just enough that he could kiss Sebastian comfortably while continuing to play with his hair. Sebastian responded by wrapping his arm around Kurt's back keeping him close and pressing into the kiss. "You can touch me too, if you want."
"I do want to. Trust me." He pressed his forehead to Kurt's. "But I have something else to tell you."
"Okay." He slipped his hand down to Sebastian's shoulder.
"Well, I was going to tell you how I felt when you came back at the end of break. I missed you so much, but I didn't want to be the cause of you backing out on your word to your dad. I did some research and found a company that helps people deal with the issues involved in cleaning out the homes of deceased relatives. They send a grief counselor and a couple of people to do the actual sorting. The stuff I don't want to keep will be removed and sold at an auction in town. And I hired a contractor to do some painting and other work this next week. It was all going to be done when you got back, and I was going to ask you to be my boyfriend then, but you came back and you asked me first. When you came back, I was going to have us go shopping together and pick stuff out for the room. The girls are getting bigger and I thought we could leave them in the room together to sleep, but we can turn my room into a playroom for them since they're going to outgrow being kept in the playard at some point. The contractor is going to build a Murphy bed for the room you're in. That way we can fit my drawing table and desk in there with your desk and your art and sewing stuff and still be able to use the room as a guest room, if we need to."
"Oh, wow. You've been doing a lot of planning."
Sebastian kissed him. "I have. It was going to be a surprise, but I wanted to wait to do the shopping with you. But since you're home early we can do it sooner. The company is going to be here tomorrow morning to start the project."
"Okay."
"I can show you the paint color I chose and if you don't like it, I can call first thing in the morning before they mix it up and we can change it."
"What did you pick?"
"It's called Studio Mauve. It's this color that was popular in the 1920s."
"That's a really nice color. It goes with black, charcoal, deep brown, crimson, and a lot of things besides orange or red, which don't really strike me as bedroom colors anyway."
"So, you're familiar with it obviously. The room has a whole wall of built-in shelving. It runs behind the closet in here. You probably never thought about it, but the coat closet isn't as deep as the half-bath and the walk-in pantry at the end of it, but the wall is flat on this side. The space behind the coat closet is the built-in shelving in the bedroom. I was thinking about it today. I'm going to have the contractor bevel the edges and round the corners on the wood table top on the coffee table. We can put it some thin rubber grip feet on the bottom and put it on the floor in the playroom. Once they're older, we can put some short legs on it and they can sit up to it on the floor and build stuff on it and play games."
"The contractor should be able to just shorten the legs that are on it now and we can just keep them until later and put them back on."
"An even better idea. Are you okay with all of this? I don't want to freak you out and I don't know…"
"I'm not freaked out. I'm not going anywhere." He kissed Sebastian. "I don't know how to explain it. My dad wanted me to explain it, but I couldn't. I know that a lot of things went wrong for me to end up with Aliza and things went wrong for you to end up with Rose. But this between us, it's like this thing I never knew I wanted, but now that I have it, I never want to let it go. I love all three of you. I'm not deluded into thinking that everything will be smooth sailing. We have two babies we have to potty train and teach everything else."
Sebastian play groaned. "Potty training, ugh. I get what you're saying though. I would easily say that I want my parents to be alive because I miss them terribly. But I would also still want this somehow, with you. I think as long as we keep communicating and talking all the time like we do that we'll be fine. I'm not expecting you to be perfect or me to be perfect, even though that second part is harder for me."
"I think we have the same innate sense of requiring more of ourselves than we do of other people. And I can't blame it on my dad's parenting skills or anything. He wasn't overly demanding in a way that caused me to have some warped sense of needing to be perfect for him to love me. It wasn't like that at all. I've just always been really hard on myself."
"I'll play armchair psychiatrist, or I guess sofa psychiatrist…"
Kurt snickered.
"I'd wager that it has to do with control. You're a very organized, detail-oriented, scheduled person. I think that may come from how out-of-control other parts of your life were. Your mom died when you were really too young to understand. And when we've talked before you said you picked up the slack around the house. I think you could control yourself and your home environment when you couldn't control how other people treated you and it just sort of became part of you. You set really high standards for yourself, but with everything that went on you were really beaten down and I think you let Blaine in and dropped your guard. You started being what he wanted to in order to keep him. At least that's what I got from our conversations. I don't want you to ever do that with me. If we disagree, we can talk about it. We can make pros and cons lists. We can try things both ways and actually see what works best. I don't want you to ever feel like you have to give in or give up something important to you in order for me to love you. If you ever feel like I'm slipping away, just tell me. I may get caught up in a project and not realize how much time I'm spending on it, but I never want you to feel like you're not doing enough to keep me. You are enough."
"You'll do the same, right? You'll tell me?" Kurt tried, but failed to keep himself from crying.
"Of course."
"I didn't wan to talk about him anymore, but I think I need to share this so you understand my fear better."
"Okay."
"I had been in New York for two weeks when he came to see me two weeks earlier than his original flight had been booked. He confessed, but only after I pressed him to tell me why he was being so moody and emotional. He told me that he needed me and I wasn't there. He blamed me and I accepted the blame. It took me a long time to recover from that because I had let everyone else's happiness supersede my own. I accepted the fact that I was barely tolerable, that I was lucky to have any friends at all, and that Blaine was amazing. It wasn't until I started to see a counselor at NYADA that I regained any sense of self-worth. Beating Rachel at Midnight Madness, which is a story for another time – that helped keep me off the bottom of the social rung at NYADA and boosted my confidence. Doing well in my classes made a big difference as well, allowing me to see that I was good enough to be there."
"Two weeks? What a child! People get sick and don't have sex for two weeks to avoid getting their partner sick. His hands weren't chopped off. He was 18. He could have gone to a sex toy shop."
Kurt burst out laughing, even though he was crying still.
"And even if he hadn't seen you for two months or two years, there are no reasons to cheat on someone. Break up. Be single first. Then, go out and sleep around, or whatever. Cheating is only ever the cheater's fault. "
"That was the conclusion I did eventually come to."
"I'm glad you got help." Sebastian didn't say anything for a couple of minutes, giving Kurt time to add anything else if he wanted to.
Instead, Kurt scooted even closer and buried his face in Sebastian's neck. He held Kurt while he cried and rubbed his hand up and down Kurt's back. Eventually Kurt stopped crying and just let Sebastian hold him until he had completely relaxed.
"Thank you." He scooted back a bit.
"Anytime."
"I'm sorry I cried all over you."
"I'm not. You feel better now, right?"
"Yeah."
"Good. I won't cheat on you." Sebastian pulled him tighter against his chest.
Kurt nodded his head and burrowed into Sebastian's embrace. "I'm trusting you not to." He relaxed in Sebastian's arms. They lay for a while, content in each other's arms. "What would you like me to do tomorrow? How can I best support you?"
"Just love me."
"I do and I will."