It was 6 o-clokc in the morning, and Ronald Wesley lit a cigarette in the soft dawn lighting. It was soft because it had just shaved. He inhaled the stinky smoke velvetly, like velvet does. Ron, a true Kpop fan, was up for his pre-breakfast dance sessionOH

What was that?

Ron shivered when he thought he heard a chipmunk or vole possibly being sneaky. But then he looked to his right and saw NOT a snekky vole, but actually just a regular vole, smoking right next to him. Its body was also smoking hot.

"OY Blimey this vole is hittin a smoke a th' same' toime a me,eh? ~!" cried Ron in a desperate plea for attention. It was hot. I mean I thought it was

The dirt-scent from Ron's nostrils carried over on the wind, all the way through the window of the girls(womens) dorm, and Hermoine smelt it and dealt it and smelted some gold.

DISCLAIM(JUMP)ER- everyone is a fully grown adult they just all were held back several grades bc hogwarts threw away all of their education funds to build that strip mall in the greT HALLso everyone failed their exambs. Theyre probably like 18.

So, since Hermione was busy smelting and Ron was busy smoking, that only leaves one guy.

Gordon Ramsay. My big fat husband.

God Ramsay was a shy boy, about 47 years of age, blonde and angry but soft of heart and jowl. Ramsay was doing quite the opposite of dumb old Weasel-ee. He was smoking a WORM scented cigarette. Post sex. Who knows with whomb? Maybe a victorias Egret m0del

"I enjoy model trains." Ron chimed in.

So Godron ramsay diddled in the smoker's bathroom before washing his HANDS and going right into the walk-in, which was conveniently attached to the bathrooms. He looked at a tomato and sighed."Tomatoes are NOT supposed to be refrigerated" He pleaded and sighed. He prayed to his god about it for a while. Nothing came of it. "Iguess there's nothing I can do about it" He then cried a LOT.

Professor Scrooge McDuck, hearing soft sobs coming from the walk-in/bathroom hallway, came into full view, with no pants on as usual.

"QUACK QUACK QUACK WACK WAK WAK WAK WAK WAK WAK" but in humans language he actually said, "Excuse me, but I heard you praying to your god quietly. It occurs to me htat my god is the real god and you will either be saved when you die or go to hell. So if u don't want 2 go to hell, take this."

Professor McDuck handed (winged) him a moist paper towel (probably moist with duck shit and fly larvae) and inside of it was a fish decal. A Christian one. Gordon gasped for a few minutes while his body, mind and soul took in the sight. "That's it!" He thought and said out lout too. "I kno what will save the struggling PF Changs restaurant franchise location located at the strip mall in hogwarts' The Great Hall." He said more words. "JESUS AND GOD AND CHRIST?" chime-quacked mc dougan. "NO U BLOODY STINK FART DUCK ASS" Ramsay cried. "FISH MATE, FIIIIISH!"

":0" said McDuck.

Gordon also became a lifelong christian and thanks Scrooge McDuck every day for transforming his life :')

That's petty.

For seven fortnights in a row, GR (gordonramsay52_666_quack christ) prepared the house elves of the kitchen of PF Chang's to make fish. They toiled day and night, night and day, evenings, holidays, weekends. Weekdays, workdays, workaday, Sundays the lor'd s day, EVEN BOXING DAY...and unboxing videos. also bank holidays, all in the name of FISH.

Fish like this - *))) Its cute right?

Dobby, naturally a hipster and all-around difficult bastard baby-man small small toe-like creature, smelly even, much like smegma or chagrin if that had a smell. HE was really opposed to the fish.

Dobby specifically could not stand seafood. He HATED trips to Red Lobster. (Harry found that out one fateful night when he tried to surprise Dobby on a fun date location only to get a stern slap in the eyes (his scar hurt) and a blood-curdling " I HATE FISH AND I HATE YOU AND I FUCKIG HATE THIS DATE YOU CRAP-LORD") Nearly Penis-Headless Nick however, well, to put it simply, he LOVED and still to this day loves fish! FISh of all kinds… maybeeeeee a snapper? Yes. a flounder perhaps? Tasty. Salmon? Yes please! And don't even get him started on TunA! He's such a fun guy I love him. He has these quirks that you don't find out about until you really get to know him, but once you do, he always keeps you guessing!

The moment that GR hatched his plan for fish restront 2k20, Dobby felt his butthole rise deeply, until it rose so high that it became his esophagus. It ruptured, and caused a whole scene where EMTs had to come to Hogwarts and caused Horgwarts to become bankrupt even harder bc Dobby refused to pay the medical bill for the ambulance. He also woke up mid-treatment in the ambulance, shrilly for 8 minutes straight, and refused medical treatment and now has permanent butthole esophagus-related amnesia because of it. Reflux. Yipes! Nick was there. Nick the student, not the ghost Nick with almost no p3ni$ top.

But, weather Dobby liked it or not (he did not), PF Changs was about to be the #1 fish and chips joint in all of Russia. Even Diners Drive in s and Dives was there once, and they tried the golden shower on the menu. (that's the one where 18 year-old Harry Potter comes out of the kitchen and pees on you while you eat dinner.) Perfect for a cold winter's night! It gets cold a HELL in Russia

ALSO btw Harry and Ron and Herm and Hag and the gang all gave up on that stupid patronavirus thing, that was for children. Child's play. They're 18.

Hagrid's new thing was ghost hunting with Zak Bagans but honestly let's not get into that right now. What we really need to get back to is how Harry and Dobby's romance is going. And how Harry's scaah (scar) always seemed to be burning in the presence of Dobby? Hmm. weird.

That is weird. So what happened last night, was this:

Harry was waiting, sighing, wishing that for just once, someone would invite HAM over. And him. The entire boy's dormitory in Gyrffindoer was out together for a lad's night, drinking, boozing, probing, farding and cumming, biscuit-making, crapping, making further biscuits, setting world records for how big of a turd they could lay, you know, LAD stuff. But they left Harry out because he was just plain annoying and a wannabe baby's diaper. And he was plain. Even Ron was invited to the gathering. And he's the worst. Oh, and the worst part? Ham WAS there.

But just then, Harry got a test. I mean text.

He got all excited, thinking that Dobby was sure to be sending him a twiggy-straggly dick pic with hay for pubes and a mole for a penis head, but the animal, a mole. Not the small dot type. And not Mexican mole sauce. But god wouldn't that be delicious? Mmmm yum, such a treat when suck suck time 'appens. I love an 'ol mole suck. Thtas DIsgusting

He eagerly looked down at his phone, which was resting gently on his thigh muscles, which were toned and oiled for a night at home alone. It wasn't Dobby, his boyfriend (OMG)

It was a dumb ass fucking photo from Ron, who was clearly inebriated, and it was just a blurry pic of his own foot. He captioned it, "Holy brump, I brumped my peddler, Agrid" How embarrassing, that text was meant for Hagrid you see, but he sent it to Harry instead. He must have gotten confused with the H NAMES in his drunken state of the art state. Now harry knew FOR SURE that he wasn't invited to this fun get together as some would call it. Eh, no skin of his arse. "Eh, no skin off my arse" Harry sighed-farded through sobs and gasps and some other fards. Harry was actually realy envious of his friend or should i say frenemy R0LAnd. He couldn't damn near believe that rond got to hang out with the populars and Harry dindint. Like how lame could harry possibly be if even RONALD got picked to be on the dodgeball team b4 him or at all.

Well, as Haryr was thinking on that particular subject HARD, he soon became as distracted as a fly on a wall of a house with wainscoting on HGTV, which is to say, VERY distracted. And what, pray tell, was distraction him?

Well, he had smelled something. Something yellow. NOT PEE.

"Ron, I wonder what that smell is?" Harry texted Ron which was pointless and stupid as shit. OH he also sighed I forgot to mention. Ron didint respond. Just as Harry was sniffing the air with pure glee and delight, HONK!

He heard a honk.

A real one.

Not a faker like what happens out his butt.

This was true goose culture

HONK

There it was again.

"Hm. A honk, and a yellow smell. I'd better investigate." sighed Hary through another fard, this one had some cum. EW god sorry.

SICK. but sadly, true

Some scuffling was happening around the corner, kind of similar to the sound of a kid scuffing their shoe on the gymnasium floor at 2pm, time for PE. With a gross gym teacher named miss PENA who didn't qualify to teach AnY class WHATSOEVER especially not gym. Or JIm slim jim

Harry looked around, but didnt see any kids in PE class in his room. He did find a slim jim though and started eating it, even though it had rat droppings marbled throughout the meat stick.

"DO U LIKE IT?! I MADE YOU THIS FUCKING SNACK HARRY POTTER. IT IS SLIM JIM AND IT IS NOT VEGAN OR GLUTEN FREE SO YOU'LL PROBABLY HAVE A MILD ALLERGIC REACTION TO IT GIVEN THAT YOU ARE LACTOSE INTOLERANT AND ALSO GLUTEN INTOLERANT AND ALSO GLUE INTOLERANT, THER'S GLUE STICKING IT ALL TOGETHER." (He was also glute intolerant, he hated a man with a muscular rear. Hence why dobbe and he will be wed) Shouted Dobby, the house elf.

Harry had already eated the whole meat stick and was already having teh rumblies in his tumble. But he ignored them...for now…

"Dob, my f-f-f- fuhhh fuh-f-f- FRIEND, since you're here, do you want to maybe, order a pizza and watch my favoirte Tele (telly) (british) show on the teleleleleleelelelleviosion?" Harry was trying his hardest to sigh, but for some reason he kept stuttering, which was making it hard to sigh, in all honesty.

Space

Suddenly, Hary's big, juicy, swollen scar on his forehead (and a matching one on his rear that we just found out about) was itching and burning and even a little pus-y (like with pus. Not a little pussy, that's different.)

"Here. I made this for you. Should help with the nasty scar burn you have." Dobby said in a normal tone, respectfully but with chagrin. He handed Harry a tube of cream that had "Scaah Cream: Epiduo" scrawled on it in messy, ugly dumb handwriting. It was actualy just some sambal. Dobby had a knack for syringing spicy sauces into skin treatment cream tubes and other vessels like bottles or smaller tubes. He had grown up doing it with his mum. He pictured in his fat house elf head…"PUT THAT SPICY DIARRHEA POISON IN THAT TUBE YOU WORTHLESS SON OF MINE OOOOOH I DARE NOT CALL YOU MY SON. YOU ARE A MERE SHIT SACK THAT CAME OUT OF ME BOWELS ONE NIGHT' (this is actually how house elves are bornd) He thought all that. "FUCK MOTHER KICK ME ARSE YOUUUUUUUUUUU I LOVE MY MOTHER PLEASE CALL ME A SHIT SACK AGIN ILL IRON ME HANDS AND TURDS WHILE ME AT IT" dobby turned red. In the face! He couldnot BELIVE he has just scrame that out loud in front of his harry boyfriend, Harry. Dobby has some major trauma. Can somebody say mommy issues? No. i cant.

MOVING ON

Anyone?

Well, hArry McPotter, as he was asking to be called these days (he was embarrassed by his asshole father, and didn't want to share a surname with the likes of him.) can someone say daddy issues? He disregarded this outburst from Dob-B because he didn't want to invade his privacy. He looked over and saw Dobby panty raiding him, though, so it's not like privacy mattered to that fuck. In Harry's panty drawer Dobby found: a string bikini bottom, 3 black lacy thongs, string, a Sting album, candy panties that were meant for dobbys eye only ANYWAY., crotchless panties, silly panties, sad panties,cheeky briefs, panties that looked like Gerard Way. Also a whole bag of assorted boxer briefs with various stains on the buttcrack and taint and sphincter and rear end regions. Those stains were brown, green, red, clay-colored, dark red, pink and pitch black? Yes. It was dobby's fav game to guess what cause all those different colored stains on those manly boxer briefs. OOohhh! Just thinking about it gave him chills! Because he immediately became violently ill and therefore had a fever and chills. Bc it was so gross and diseased. Boys (men) are gross. Dobby knew this well.

Harry turned a blind eye, and his third eye and three blind mice and his Third Eye Blind album and Blind Guardian album all away from this panty raiding tom-foolery fusion. He got whiplash. Instead, he plopped down on his foopah in front of the TV. he did his 5 min ab routine while he waited to dobby to finish being a literal freak of the universe and god and, well, need I say more,? Yes.

Harry had started to get really really sweaty and soggy. Not from his 5-minute ab routine followed by a short leg circuit, but because he had egregiously bad diarrhea forming in his colon and lower intestine, getting ready to rocket out his butt alongside that orange treE that was still in there. The orange tree was full grown and produced a bountiful harvest this year :)

It was probably the rat feces stick he ate earlier that also contained wheat, dairy, and glue (and in turn, the rat feces fertilized the tree). which was, in turn, causing his thunderous intestinal distress. He was sweating, and trying really hard but failing to keep his farts and leaky poop water inside his lower colon area. Sqeaker farts left and right, I tell ya. Snacker approached.

"HARRY I SAW THAT YOU HAD A SEWAGE LEAK COMING FROM YOUR DORM ROOM SO I CAME TO CHECK IT OUT" Snacker was a plumber, and also had volume control issues.

Snacker stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Dobby, making sick all over Harry's panty set. Not bc he was sick , but bc that's a mating ritual for him. Snacker stood, shocked at what he saw.

All at once, one of five scenarios that could have played out, did.

Zak Bagans' ghost and Hagrid, hot on the trial of a polterghost that they thought, followed the stream of Potter Diahreha, FINKIMG it was tbe ghost ectoplasm. They had their EVPs out and it was saying words like "Cuprt" and "Peter Griffin" and "stumptown" and "beer".

"Bro they're trying to tell us about Peter Griffin drinkong BEER DUDE" they comtinured to go that way.

Same time, thinking that it's weed smell, ron and herm follow the same trail bc it smells dank af.

Also, same time, Benny Frankuto caught a whiff of a freshly popped whiffer and also the scent of what he believed to be his sick horse that ran away. It was Majesty, the horse that he met at horse girl camp. He horse-napped her and smuggled her into the dorms, and fed her only fish, which is why she's sick and ran away.

On that note, Draco makfory also followed suit, thinking he smelled a weak and stinky nerd to beat up. He also thought maybe he could get some tail. He didn't know what tail smelled like yet but he pretenderld too.

DumBleDoor, who just straight up is attracted to the scent of poop, felt a magnetic pull suddenly towards the men's dorm, HE DIDINT WHY.

also Gordon Ramsay thought it was fish amd also came into Harry's room.

Scrooge wasn't present. He thought it was the smell of the devil and d3cided to do 17 exorcisms and the stations of the christ 8 times for good measure. He also went to confession bc he dated hermione that ome time. And she's a harlot in the lord's eyes.

So what they all, in unison, saw, in turn, was a scene where…

DOBBY THE BOUSE ELF WAS PANTY RAIDING HARRY POTTER SEXUALLY AND IN A BOYFRIEND KIND OF WAY, and also

THEY ALL SAW HARRYS ASS WEEPING BROWN.

His hair was wet and sticking to his forhead like when you play outside with your friends, and his rosacea was showing. He had an inflamed scar smeared with sambal also.

His asshole was so raw and ripe that it birthed a calf. The calf scraped along the orange tree trunk on th3 way out and only had a couple of scrapes though. As far as births go, this one was actually successful. Burt anyway. He named the calf Burt Orange Albus Jr Potter and it nuzzled him and suckled his teet. Harry licked the placenta off of Burt.

He also kept a steady stream of pus-diahhrea and income. His asshole wasn't stable, but man were his finances!

Harry lost consciousness, but glimpsed all of his peers gawking and cucking at the scene before passing out.

He sighed in his unconciousness.

It was a big day for him.

He grew his first varicose vein that day :')

END CHAPTET

"In Spanish 'to give birth' is 'dar luz' which means 'to give light'. How beautiful is that?" -Unknown