Chapter 10

Paris, December 25th, 2368 – afternoon

,

The next hours, he worked in a stupor, like on autopilot. He went seeing his patients, donning a forced smile, trying not to think beyond what his work required of him. Some of his colleagues seemed to notice his unusual behavior, and not only once someone stopped him to ask him if he was alright.

He would return a polite nod and tell them that he was fine. That he felt a little tired after Christmas Eve but that it was nothing a little sleep wouldn't cure. And to his great relief, most of his colleagues left it at that.

Until he was suddenly called back in the corridor by a familiar voice.

"Julian!"

He startled, turning in spite of himself. And noticed with dismay, that it was Michael who came jogging toward him. He'd tried to avoid the other doctor so far, not trusting himself to get through a conversation with Michael without crumpling under the memory of last night's events. But Michael wasn't stupid. He must have noticed by now how much Julian was going out of his way to not cross his path ever since he came so unexpectedly on shift this morning. Of course Michael must have noticed that something was not right. Goodness, he couldn't deal with Michael right now. He felt his heart beath up into his mouth.

"Julian," the other doctor said as he came closer, slightly panting as if he had been running. His face was drawn into a worried frown. "I…" he hesitated awkwardly as if he wasn't sure how to begin, "I was wondering, if everything is alright…?"

"W-What do you mean?" Julian gave back almost in reflex, instantly hating himself for his stammer. Too fast. He'd only make him more suspicious. He backed up a subtle step, almost unconsciously bringing more distance between them. "I'm fine," he said in a gruff voice, hoping that Michael would just let the subject drop.

But Michael didn't look as if he was going to just let the matter rest.

"I'm sorry, Michael, but there's a patient I need to tend to," Julian tried to cut the conversation short, already about to turn. But then Michael suddenly reached for his arm to hold him back and the sudden touch made a jolt course through him. Before he knew, he'd batted Michael's hand away, stumbling backwards.

Stunned, the other doctor knit his brows. If he hadn't been alarmed before, he definitely was now. "Julian? What's wrong?"

Julian stared at him defiantly. "Nothing. I'm fine."

"But you don't look fine. And anyone in this hospital can tell that you're not yourself!" Michael didn't make any attempt to near him, obviously aware that it was the last thing he needed right now. "You were supposed to have the day off. What are you doing here anyway?"

"I was summoned by Dr. Delon. It was his idea. Just ask him," Julian gave back before he knew it. His heart was thumping painfully in his chest.

"René… what happened between you two?"

It was a simple question, but the words tore into him like a knife. He couldn't breathe. For a dreadfully long moment, he just stood there, his shoulders trembling, unable to form a reply. He felt his throat constrict painfully and felt unshed tears burn behind his eyes.

"I'm telling you, I'm fine. Just leave it at that," he finally pressed out.

But Michael wouldn't back down so easily, as if he was aware that this time the matter was serious. "What did René do? You were supposed to be with Palis today, you weren't supposed to come back to work until tomorrow. And suddenly you show up unexpectedly but something's utterly wrong. You're not yourself and you look awful. You would push everyone who asks you about it away. Did you know that Palis contacted me this morning, asking me if everything was alright because you obviously were called away by an emergency last night during René's Christmas Party and she hasn't seen or heard from you since yesterday evening? She was worried sick about you."

"Just leave it!" Julian snapped more vigorously this time, feeling a strange mix of anger and panic churning in his stomach.

"What happened last night? Where have you been?" Michael held steadily, fixing him with his eyes.

"That's none of your business!" Julian shouted all of a sudden. He was standing with his back against a wall. "Just leave me alone!" Some part of him was longing to tell Michael the truth but it was deafened by the rational part in his mind that was telling him that he would never be able to go back if he told him the truth now. He'd once and for all dash every hope and dream he'd worked so hard for these last few years. He couldn't tell Michael the truth. And he had to end this conversation before Michael found out by himself.

"Julian, please…" Michael pleaded, open dismay written over his face, "…let me help you."

"No!" Julian backed up another step.

"I don't need your help. There's nothing anyone can do anyway!" he said bitterly, struggling to hold back new tears. He turned away quickly before Michael could see the moisture in his eyes. He was a mess. God, he shouldn't be here right now. In his present condition, he probably would do more harm than good. He was such a failure as a doctor. God, he was so pathetic. His voice was barely above a whisper when he finally said: "I'm just tired. It was a long night, involving lots of alcohol and I'm just not quite myself today, that's all. Just leave it." With that he turned without another word and hurried down the corridor, praying that Michael wouldn't follow because he wasn't sure he could look into his sympathetic face again without breaking into tears.

To his great relief, Michael didn't follow. When he had made sure that he was alone, he slowed his pace, and headed right for the next storage room. There he locked the door, let himself drop back against the door and slid down until he sat on the floor, knees drawn up to his chin. He took several deep breaths, forcing himself to calm down. Don't think. There were a dozen of people out there who needed him right now, he couldn't allow himself to give in to his pain just yet. So he pushed his emotions into the farthest corner of his mind – and locked them there. He needed to go on. Just as René had said. He was far from having any choice in this matter.

He stayed there for several long minutes before he found enough strength to struggle up and move again. He made a conscious effort to avoid any eye contact when he hurried down to his next patient's room, silently praying that his horror was not written all over his face.

It was already late in the afternoon when his eyes searched the chronometer for the first time. It was nearly 1700 hours. With a queasy feeling in his stomach, he thought about what he'd tell Palis. He couldn't avoid her forever and he knew that he was due for an explanation. But how on Earth should he explain to her what had happened? What a freak her father was? How should he explain to her why he had disappeared from one minute to the other? Why he hadn't even tried to find a free minute to contact her during work to tell her that he was okay? He felt even worse than before, rubbing his eyes, at a complete loss what to do…

It was when he went over to the replicator to order another cup of coffee to keep him going that someone came suddenly storming through the door of the break room. It was Magdalena. And from the look on her face, Julian knew that something must have happened. He half feared she too would make a comment about his strange behavior today but what she had to tell him was even worse.

"Julian, I've finally found you," she panted, her usual gentle face white as chalk. "You have to come. It's Palis. They just brought her in."

For a short second, Julian's mind struggled to grasp what Magdalena was telling him. What it meant that she had just been brought in. But then the information clicked into place and the cup of coffee almost slipped from his hands. He set the cup back down on the table even as he hurried after Magdalena who didn't even need to be told to lead him to her.

They rushed down to the emergency ward. Julian felt his heartbeat frantically in his chest. Blood was rushing in his ears, adrenaline pumping through his veins. He had no idea what had happened, his mind still refusing to believe what Magdalena had told him.

They arrived only minutes later. When he stormed into the emergency ward, the first thing he saw, were people gathered around a biobed, shouting orders to each other, with Palis' slender and unmoving form in their middle. He ploughed through the crowd, his only thought that he had to get to his fiancée.

But when the throng of people finally parted, what he saw made the blood freeze in his veins.

Her arms were covered in blood. She was wearing the same dress as a few hours earlier, but it was now stained a dark crimson.

His heart stopped dead in his chest. All blood drained from his face.

"W-What happened? W-What happened to her?" he heard himself shout as if from far away.

He tried to round the bed to have a closer look at what was wrong with her, but he was suddenly pulled back. It was Michael, who'd come up behind him and suddenly grasped him by his shoulders. "Julian, don't. There's nothing you can do for her. Let them do their job."

He wouldn't listen. "No, she's my fiancée!" he shouted again, suddenly overwhelmed by fear. His only thought was that he couldn't lose her. He couldn't lose her. God, what had happened?! "Let me see her. I can help her!" He struggled to free himself from Michael's grip. He only knew that he had to get to her.

But Michael was pulling him farther away from the crowd, still grasping him tightly by his shoulders. "She is your fiancée but you're in no condition to tend to her right now. They'll take care of her. She's alive, that's all that matters."

Julian felt sick. There was so much blood. How could he know that she was alive? She looked so ashen. And the blood stood out so ludicrously bright against her fair skin. Oh god, he couldn't let her die.

He felt himself being steered clear of the room. Michael was guiding him back out into the corridor, telling him that there was nothing he could do for her right now. Julian only half listened. His mind was captured in an icy horror. The second time on that day. He couldn't even think clearly. Not beyond the simple fact that his fiancée was lying in the emergency ward, her slender body blood soaked and unmoving.

"What the hell happened!?"

René Delon came running down the corridor toward them, his white lab tunic billowing out behind him. His face was ashen, his features twisted into an ugly grimace. Julian only stared at him blankly as he came closer. For the first time since he'd known him, he saw something on the older man's face he'd never seen there before: fear.

"They are tending to her right now, René," Michael quickly stepped forward and held both hands up as if to calm the older doctor.

But René didn't really listen. His eyes fixed on Julian, his face hot with fury.

"What the hell have you done to my daughter!?" René shouted as he all of a sudden backhanded Julian across the face with such a force that it knocked the young man back against the wall. A second later, another punch threw his face to the other side. Strong hands were grabbing him by his collar, shaking him violently.

"What did you do to her?!" Another punch that made stars explode in Julian's vision. And suddenly the hands that held him released their grip around his collar and Julian went down to the ground. His legs just gave way.

"René, stop it!" Michael had grabbed for the older man's shoulders, dragging René away from him. Julian coughed, and tasted blood. He wiped the blood from his nose with the back of his hand, and the sight of it made him sick to his stomach.

"That's your fault, Julian! What the hell have you done to her?" René shouted in rage. "She's your fiancée for god's sake. How could you let this happen? What did you do to her? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Julian just cowered there on the floor, unable to move. Something about René's words had struck a chord deep within him, something that now clutched at his heart, making it impossible for him to react to the older man's tirade. So he just endured it. Like a child, helpless and at the mercy of his parents. He knew that by now passers-by had stopped to see what was going on. All eyes were fixed on him and René.

"He hasn't done anything, René!" Michael held Palis' father back, even while the older man struggled to free himself from his grip. "They just brought her in. She's stable. I will tell you everything I know but you must calm down."

"She's lying in ER for god's sake," René shouted again at Julian, "and if she dies it will be your fault. And your fault alone!"

"What happened is nobody' fault! Now calm down, René!"

With a derisive sneer, the older man finally relented, jerking his arm out of Michael's grip. But he didn't make any further attempt to launch himself at Julian. Instead, he stormed back down the corridor. Even when he was out of sight, Julian couldn't move. He just sat there, staring unmoving at the floor, hugging his knees to his chest. He was shaking violently.

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry, Julian." Michael was crouching down next to him, quickly inspecting his injuries. He produced something from the pocket of his lab tunic and commanded Julian press it under his nose. Julian complied without questioning the order.

"I need to see after René, but I promise I'll be back as soon as I can!" Michael looked seriously troubled, as if he was anything but keen on leaving Julian alone in his condition. "Magdalena will take care of you. Let her tend to your injuries. I'll be with you as soon as I can."

He hadn't seen the older nurse approach. She suddenly was next to him, gently helping him to his feet. "Come on, you're shivering all over," she said to him, as she guided him to another room.

Afterwards, he couldn't remember her stopping the bleeding of his nose, but she must have as his face was clean when they stepped out into the crisp air outside the hospital. "There, you need some fresh air. Take your time. Michael will be here as soon as he can."

Julian didn't even nod. He felt numb. He was standing in front of the hospital entrance, his mind wiped clear of any thoughts. He would have kept standing there in the cold night air for who knew how long if not a sudden voice had drawn him back to the here-and-now.

"Julian!"

He turned in spite of himself.

And saw Marin running toward him.

When she came to a halt in front of him, and saw his pale and lifeless features, she wrapped her arms around him and drew him into a tight embrace.

"I'm here, Julian. I'm sorry that I couldn't come earlier. But I'm here now."

Ever so slowly, he lifted his arms to return the embrace. He clung to her, burying his face against her shoulder. And finally let go of the terrified sobs he'd managed to suppress so far.

"Ssh, everything's okay," Marin gently stroked over his hair. "What happened?"

He was too worked up to answer at first. He just couldn't stop crying. His only thought was of Palis, the blood on her body and her lifeless form before his eyes. He shook violently, tears streaming down his face as he clung to her, as if she were the only steading thing in a world that had so suddenly come apart. It was all too much. He couldn't take any more of it.

Marin was patient. She held him, murmuring gentle words, stroking his back.

"It's Palis…" he brought forth after what seemed like an eternity. "Something happened. I-I don't want to lose her. I can't bear losing her."

He felt Marin release the embrace. She was searching his face, with a frow. "Did she have an accident?" she gently tried but suddenly exclaimed when she saw him close up: "What happened to your face?!"

"I-I…" he choked, still more tears streaming down his face. He knew that he was coming apart but there was nothing he could do about it. "She was brought into ER. There was so much blood. I-I don't know what happened. She was full of blood. And she didn't move."

"Did any of the doctors say what happened?" Marin frowned.

He shook his head, sniffling. "I-I don't know. René threw me out before I could ask. He hit me, and yelled at me, and said that it was all my fault."

She bent forward in alarm. "He did what?"

"It's all my fault," he blurted. "I should have been there for her. But I wasn't and…"

She grabbed for his hands, squeezing them. "No, no, no, no, no. Stop it right there, Julian. Whatever happened is not your fault." And with a quick look around, she pulled him with her. "Come. Let's get you out of the cold first."

She must have noticed that he was shivering all over. He still wore only his medical uniform, and the sun had already set. He followed her down the stairs and over the street, into a small and cozy café on the other side. He kept his head down, trying not to meet anyone's questioning gazes. Marin steered him to a table at one side of the café, seating him with his back toward the rest of the room to allow them some privacy. Then she went over to the counter. When she came back, she held a steaming mug of hot chocolate.

"Here," she said as she sat the mug in front of him. "You're freezing." And placing a warm hand over his, she said: "Now let me get this straight. You were working at the hospital when they brought Palis in, but you don't have any idea what could have happened. Before you could ask, her father threw you out, blaming her accident on you."

He nodded.

"Okay, I'll go and check. You stay here and warm up a bit. I'll be back in a few minutes." With that she drew herself up and headed back toward the hospital.

Julian just stared numbly at the steaming mug in his hands, his mind wiped blank. He was no longer able to think, or perhaps his mind had simply shut down because if he thought about anything right now he would only realize how irreparable his world had come apart and he would break under the pressure after all that had happened to him since yesterday evening. So he kept staring at this mug, his insides all twisted and numb. He didn't know how long Marin was gone. It could have been minutes or hours, it wouldn't have made any difference. But suddenly she was back, her cheeks flushed as if she had been running.

When she sat down opposite him, she took a deep breath. She seemed to muse upon how to start.

"It was no accident," she finally said and by the look in her eyes he immediately knew that the news wouldn't be pleasant. "They… say it was a suicide attempt."

Julian's head snapped up at this. It was the last thing he'd expected to hear. He felt his head stop dead in his chest. "W-What?"

"She cut both her wrists. She was in her father's house when one of the maids found her. That's why there was so much blood on her. They immediately brought her over, fearing the worst but they were lucky. She lost a lot of blood but she's stable so far."

He'd imagined much – but certainly not with this. He felt a dark hole open up in his heart. If she had tried to take her life, it was his fault. He knew her better than anyone. He should have known that she had problems. He should have seen this coming. He should have stopped her. He should have been there for her. Why hadn't he noticed? God, he couldn't believe that he hadn't noticed. His chest tightened painfully.

As if she had read his thoughts, Marin gently took his hands in hers.

"Julian," she said, imploringly. "Just think about it. She cut her wrists. She was a medical student. Even if she completed only the first year and left medical school after that, she still has a lot of medical knowledge. Any student in their first year at medical school would have known where to place the knife to make it a quick end. But she didn't." Marin took a deep breath, fixing him with her eyes. "She cut her wrists, but in a way that made sure she would live. I don't think she intended to take her life."

Images of Palis doing this to herself popped up in his mind. His gentle, soft-hearted fiancée who wouldn't hurt a fly, taking a knife to do those gruesome things to herself. All the more, it was his fault. Why hadn't she talked to him? Why hadn't she told him what was wrong? No matter what Marin said, René was right. All this was his fault.

"I arranged you can go see her tomorrow morning," Marin said. "They said her condition was not critical. But they refused to let anyone see her right now."

"Thank you," was everything he brought forth. He closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands.

"What else did her father do to you?" It were Marin's gentle words that made him finally look at her.

"A lot of nasty things," he said, intending to make it sound like a joke but failing miserably at it.

And then he told her. He told her of the first weeks. Of how René had forced him to work double shifts. Of how he had rendered him so tired and drained that every new day had felt like an insurmountable obstacle.

He told her of how René used to humiliate him in front of others. Of how much pleasure it obviously brought the older doctor to undermine his confidence, to make him feel like a complete failure.

Of how he had promised Julian to give him a post in his hospital and make him head of surgery should he accept his offer and stay at his hospital after graduation. How he had praised his talents, at the same time yelling at him for doing things wrong in the presence of his other staff.

He told her of his accident doing horseback riding. Of René's strange believes that a doctor had to know the pain of his patients. And how an accident in his treatment had let to him lying in ICU.

And he told her of Christmas Eve. How René had invited them to spend Christmas with him and his family. How René had managed under a pretext to bring him to his study. How he had drugged him and kissed him and dragged him into his bedroom. How Julian had tried to get away from René and the pleasure it had obviously brought the older man to watch Julian struggle.

How he'd woken the next morning without recollection of what had happened between them the night before. And how it had driven him to stumble outside, running back to his apartment and contacting her because he didn't have any idea what to do.

How he hadn't been able to endure the uncertainty and run a tricorder scan on his own body. How he had run back to René and confronted him. How René had acted as if he'd done the most natural thing in the world. How he'd made Julian feel guilty for overreacting. How he'd threatened him into continuing his work at the hospital.

And he'd told her about the open fury in René's eyes when he'd heard of his daughter's accident. How he'd blamed everything on Julian. How he'd lashed out at him, hitting him in the face that it took another doctor to step in and protect him from the assault.

Only when he suddenly lapsed into silence, suddenly drained from recalling all the terrible weeks he'd spent with René, did Marin raise her voice.

"And you are sure that he didn't touch you any further?" She looked taken aback, her face a mask of disbelief and shock. As if she couldn't believe what he'd gone through the last weeks.

He swallowed. "I don't know. I think he told the truth. But I don't know. I couldn't bring myself to take the clip he offered me to testify it with my own eyes. I don't think I can bear watching myself struggle against him."

"Julian, I'm so sorry," the young woman next to him said. Her eyes were full of sadness. "I didn't know what you went through. I just wish someone had noticed earlier. I don't know why no one at the hospital said anything. They surely must have noticed your unhealthy relationship. Someone surely must have been aware of what René was doing to you."

Julian closed his eyes. His shoulders slumped. Deep down he'd always known that his relationship with René wasn't a healthy one. But he'd been full of resolution to endure whatever hard times René put him through for Palis. He'd do anything for her. He'd closed his eyes to the truth, refusing to acknowledge René's abusive behavior all these past weeks.

"I guess they did. They couldn't do much about René – but they kept telling me that it wasn't my fault. That René was the problem. There's one doctor, Michael, who always stepped in for me whenever I had trouble with René." He blinked the moisture in his eyes away. "He always suspected that something's not right. He tried to warn me. But in the end, it was all useless…"

Marin squeezed his hands in comfort. Then she took a deep breath. "Come, I'll bring you home. It's getting late and you're an awful sight."

He only nodded.

When they arrived at his apartment, Marin went straight into the kitchen to make some tea, promising him that she would stay until the next day and accompany him to see Palis in hospital. Julian was grateful for her offer. He wasn't sure what would be waiting for him, and he was scared.

He curled up on the couch while he listened to Marin working in the kitchen. For the first time in hours, he felt all the built-up tension release. His mind drifted off and he was dimly aware that she was asking him something.

But he didn't answer. Way past the edge of fatigue, he'd already fallen into a dreamless slumber.